Original subtitles

Oh, Pam, this is the one.

This is the bride's maid dress girl, this is fierce.

Oh, please, Gina, that looks like a hotel bedspread.

No, no. Look at this one.

- This one has class. - Class?

Pam, you will look like

you should be in a Hoochie Mama magazine, nah, nah.

Yo, wassup?

How y'all feelin'?

Yo, wassup?

How y'all feelin'?

Oh, what you got, what you got, come here.

I got ya, whoo, that's what I'm talkin' about, huh?

- Hey, what's up fellas? - What's up Tommy?

Hey, what's up, Big Tom, come on.

Man, just, just got back from listenin' to

Gina and Pam fight over a wedding dresses.

W-w-what's the fight about?

Don't Pam get a shiny new fur coat every spring?

Sportin' you know that, sportin', man.

Alright, man, we've been tripping, man.

Why us don't be arguin' over no weddings?

You know why?

'Cause we're boys. Duh!

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, what is there to argue about, you know?

I mean, if I, if I was the best man, the only thing

I had to worry about is the tux, you know

'cause I have to get mine especially made.

If I was best man, the only thing I have to worry about

is getting some new shoes 'cause, uh

me and mom's can't keep sharing.

Oh, I don't really think it matters

who gonna be the best man, you know what I mean.

I mean ain't going to be no static.

You don't really give a damn, do you, Tom?

Don't give a damn, dawg.

That's what I thought.

How about you, Cole?

Man, please go ahead, I don't know what you're talkin' about.

You know, I am glad to hear that

'cause yo, we too tight for all this.

- Y'all know that. That's right. - That's right.

Martin, I have known you, shoot

er, uh, if ain't 20 years now, man.

Oh, oh, hanging, lot of hanging, that's right.

You know what I was thinking, Martin?

I know you like two weeks longer than Tommy.

You know what, you sure have 'cause when I ran into you

you was a buckwild and junkin'.

Ah, Martin, remember, remember the time

you had that, that fight with big Tyro, right

and Cole was running. Cole ran, it was so funny, like..

What the hell you running for, Cole?

What's up with that, man?

Aye, aye, aye, remember the time

Tommy borrowed your car

and he wrecked it.

Remember that? Remember?

A-a-and he said it was a hit and run.

Oh, it was, Tommy hit a lamppost

and he ran, Tommy..

That's right, yeah, yeah.

That's right he posed on it.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right, Tommy, that cost

me a grip, man, what's up?

You remember that time, Martin

when Cole brought that woman

at your house, remember that?

How could I forget?

The whole place smelled like ham.

She wasn't even glazed, man.

That's funny, Tommy, that's pretty funny.

That's not half as funny

as the time that you kissed

Shaunte Holiday!

Oh, yeah, yeah, you, you remember

Shaunte, don't you?

That was your first girlfriend.

What the hell goin'..

Come on, Martin, everybody went there, dawg.

What do you mean everybody went there, man?

I still had love in my heart for that girl, man.

Remember that time, Martin, remember that time

when we were 12, right, and-and your turtle disappeared.

- Don't, Tommy, don't. - Snappy?

Um-hm.

Yeah, oh, you see, Martin

Snappy didn't run away.

No, no, no. See, Cole killed him.

- What? - May he rest in pieces.

You killed Snappy..

Relax, it's alri.. I know, it's alright.

All these days, Tom, I thought..

I thought Snappy's blood pressure went up.

Man, I am sorry. It was an accident, alright.

Man, I was just, I was just back driving my bike.

You know, and then Snappy just

darted out in front and..

You tell me how the hell a three-legged turtle

go on dart out in front of you.

You tell me, man.

Yeah, Cole, tell him.

It was kind of like..

You're gonna do a turtle walk?

You're gonna rub it in?

What the hell are you laughing at, Tommy?

Slobbing down my girl. What's that about?

Look, we were just six years old, man.

Six years old, man.

Let me tell you something.

It's time for a natural-born killer

and a bald-headed cheater to roll.

Stupid. Why you go make him mad?

Me, you are the one jackin' and trying to be the best man.

Man, you stole his woman.

She was on her way to Steinfield anyway.

Just get out, you just get out!

Snappy!

Snappy!

No, baby, I can't beleive..

No, baby, I know, I know.

I mean, Snappy was special.

I'm sure he was, Martin.

But you know, none of this would have happened

if you had picked your best man weeks ago.

Oh, Gina, that's easy for you to say, baby.

You got Pam as your best man.

Look, Martin, look.

Why don't we make a list of Tommy and Cole's best qualities

and whoever has the most will be your best man.

Yeah, that's right, that's ri..

'What's that, baby, you alright?'

- Yeah, I am getting it out.. - Alright.

Alright, let's, let's, let's, um...let's start with Cole.

- What are Cole's positives? - Okay, Col-Cole's positives.

Cole's...positives..

Eh, gotta pass, gotta pass on that one.

- Okay, go to another one. - Okay, we will go to Tommy..

And then we will come back to Cole.

- Alright, Tommy. - Okay.

Number one, uh..

He has good manners, he will

bring dignity to the ceremony.

That, that, that. Jot it, jot it.

Um, he is mature

he looks good in a suit.

Uh, very, very debonair, very debonair, yeah.

Um, and he is with Pam, who is my maid of honor.

Ehh...that's a negative. Going back to Cole.

- Alright, Martin, alright. - That's a negative, okay.

There must be something good about Cole.

Okay, cool, well, let me think for a second. Cole?

Cole my boy. Okay, cool, got one.

- Uh, Cole is reliable. - Yes, reliable.

Remember when he went in the snow, the blizzard

came back with a pizza.

You know, you don't get no more reliable than that.

- That's it, baby. - Okay, another one.

Give me one more. Give me one more.

Oh, he, he, he owns a gang of hats.

- Style.. Yeah. - Gang of hats.

Yeah, that's good. That's good, we can go there.

Yeah, he ain't got much, but okay.

Okay, okay. Ta-tabulation it up.

Uh...well, looking at the list, baby, it looks like

it is going to be Tommy.

No, no, no, no. Ah-ah.

Tommy lost some points with the Pam thing.

Okay, there's gotta be a better way to do this, baby.

What do you want to do, make this a contest?

- That's what you wanted to do! - Me?

Oh, no, no, don't put me in this.

Who is this up to, door steppin' and all that?

- Hey! What's up, Tom? - Hey! Hey, Gina.

- Hey, Tom. - So what's up?

Look, Martin, I am really sorry that, you know

I acted so childish this morning.

Uh...man. I didn't think about that, it's past, eh, man.

- Nobody that's there. - This is for you.

Oh, my...aah...man!

Oh, Tom.. Baby, a sports watch.

Baby, I think we got a winner.

Uh, who is interrupting the gift givin'.

Man, thank you, man.

- Hey! Hey! What's up, man. - Hey! What's happening, Cole?

Um, I just want to apologize, you know

for about what happened earlier.

Oh, man, that's past out I didn't even..

- You know, I squashed that. - Cool, cool.

'Cause I wanted you to have something.

- Another gift? - Yeah, let me get that for you.

- Alright. - Thank you.

Tell you, man, you know, beautiful friends.

Beautiful friends.

Okay, I'm anxious, I'm anxious.

Oh, man!

It's a turtle.

Snappy junior! Snappy junior, baby!

Aww. Thank you, Cole.

- You mind, take that. - I got it.

Oh, hey, Snappy junior.

- Martin, Martin. - Yeah?

That ain't moving.

Cole, did you put any holes in the box?

Turtle can breathe inside a shell

he can breathe inside the box.

- Oh, Snappy. - Uh, Cole.

Snappy dead, man.

Dead, Snappy dead.

Oh, no, not again.

They keep killing the animals that are mammals, baby.

Wake up!

- Hey, break it up. - Hey, hey, hey, Martin.

- Hey! - Sit right here, buddy.

What's happening, pet cemetary?

Sorry about that, alright, alright.

Come on, look, I got something for you.

What is it, man, huh?

Dead frog, squirrel, chimpanzee? What is it, Cole?

It ain't nothing like that, man, just go ahead

and open the gift, man, go ahead.

Martin...you want me to punch some holes in it?

Alright, alright.

I don't wanna.. Oh, Cole.

It's a picture frame, man.

Yeah, look at it. That's the picture of me and you.

Hey, check the date man, that's two weeks before

you even met this one right here, you know what I am saying.

- Look, how happy we look. - Oh-ho!

- Just cheeses. - That's right.

Thank you, Cole, this is a beautiful gift, man.

- Ah ah, uh, Martin? - Yeah.

I got something too, man.

Whoa, whoa, let me set up my picture frame.

Let me say your names.

- What you got? - Bam! Whoop!

Two Piston tickets front row, down.

Um, hey, man, oh!

Man, the Pistons and Orlando.

I'mma go see Shaq. Pity Hard work!

Yeah, yeah, playing against Grant Hill.

- That's right. - Tommy, this is the best, man.

Thank you, man. What you got, Cole?

Oh, those are, those are nice tickets, Tommy, really.

But you can take a picture of you and Shaq with your new

Hashy Flashy 2000.

Retail value, $199.95.

Tax and title, not included.

Oh!

Thank you. Man, how does this work?

You push this here, the thing and it comes over.

- Ah! - Man, this is the cam.

Now, thi-this is the best, man.

Oh, what you got, big Tom?

Alright, well, Martin..

...you are now the proud owner

of your very own, brand new, uh..

Cherise, just tell him what he's got.

It's a brand new, full color hand held TV.

I'm going to watch the "Martin Show" and "Def Jam" on this.

- That's right. - Oh-ho!

Man, I am getting all choked up, I am start gettin'..

- I'm touched, man. - Yeah.

You know what I mean? Let me tell you all something.

They say material things don't matter.

- They don't. Not really. - Damn it, they are wrong.

They are wrong!

Yeah, they do matter.

Let me hug my gifts.

I gotta go, I am getting all emotional, man.

And all choked up. Oh, I will be back.

Let me get a look at my boys.

Aah...aah...haah.

Hey, Cole, you are not gonna win

I am gonna be Martin's best man.

Man, I am his best friend so I am gonna be his best man.

You are his best friend? I'm his best friend.

No, no, no, Tommy, no, no, look, check the..

- Hey, hey, hey. - I am his best friend!

Hey, man, what is going on?

Two friends fighting over like that, man.

Especially so close to my gifts.

Now, cut it out. We're all best friends.

Now, which one of my best friends

gonna bring my gifts out to the car, huh?

And hurry it up, please, I gotta go.

Come on.

Pam! Pam, come out, girl, let me see how it looks.

'I am not coming out unless you close the blinds'

'and cover all the mirrors.'

Oh, I am not going to do all that. Come on.

Look at me! Look at me!

You.. You look so cute.

Oh, you've got to wear this style more often.

You look.. Oh, my God, seriously.

Gina, don't even try it.

I look like Celie from "The Color Purple."

I know what you are trying to do.

You just don't want anybody in the wedding party

to look better than you.

How can you think that, I can't believe

you would say something like that.

I would never do that to anybody.

Why don't you just put on the head piece

so I can see how it looks, please.

- Oh, damn. - What, what, Martin?

Tommy got the wrong size.

You know, how does he expect to be my best man

if he can't get the right damn size.

You know what, I want you to mark 10 points off on Tommy.

- No, I am not. - Mark it.

- Martin! - I want it marked.

Martin, Tommy and Cole

can't afford all these stuff.

Well, then they shouldn't have bought it.

Oh, eww!

Who is this knocking on the damn door

while I am in my robe with my baby?

- Hey, what's up? - Hey, Cole!

Oh, baby! Cole brought me laguage, antique, oh!

Nah, actually, uh...I got kicked to the curb.

- What? - Yeah.

Big Shirley threw me out after I spent all

curly fry money on you.

You fell on since last night?

Word, but you know what?

It don't bother me now knowing

I am gonna be your best man.

Oh, Cole, you know if you need a place to stay

you can always stay here.

Oh, okay, thanks a lot, Gina.

Wh-where can I put my drawers?

I'll, I'll make a space

in the dresser for you, okay.

No, no, no, you will not put

his drawers in with my drawers.

Ain't gonna be no mingling of the drawers, Gina.

Fine, fine, Martin.

Wait, who is this knockin' one more time?

Where can I rest my drawers, dawg?

Oh, Tommy, you too?

I lost my apartment.

I spent all my money your gifts.

You know what, the most improtant thing is?

- Yeah? - I am still you best man.

Martin, can I talk to you over here please.

- Sure. - Tommy, let the man go.

Now, sweetie, you do realize that

this is all your fault, right?

- My fault? - Oh, yeah.

Gina, they forced the gifts on me.

That doesn't matter, Martin.

They don't have anything because of you.

Look at what you just did to them.

Look at 'em, look at 'em.

Alright, baby, you are right.

I mean, they-they, they sticking by me.

I guess, I got to stick my them.

They-they spent all their money on me.

- I am proud of you, okay. - Proud of you.

For whatever reason.

Tommy! Cole!

Cole! Tommy!

Uh..

Tommy! Cole!

Cole! Tommy!

You can stay here for as long as you want to.

Just be out by Monday.

Check out time is00 noon

and all phone calls will be extra.

Martin.

Hey, Martin, Martin, we need some more nachos.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, can you get us some more please?

You want some more nachos, huh?

Carrying your free loading ass home.

Well, y'all I guess it is gettin' kinda late.

Hey, Martin, uh, I got, I got something to tell you.

What is it, man, what you got to tell me?

I can't go to sleep without a bedtime story.

- What? - Um, y-you-you too, Cole?

- Yeah. - I can't sleep..

Two grown ass men and you can't..

Let me tell you something, I ain't reading no bedtime story.

"I do like that, Sam, I am..

I do like green eggs and ham."

Look at them, baby, they are sleeping.

Looking like a fake ass JJ and Michael.

I am going to brush my teeth and wash off.

Alright, baby.

Oh, Cole, come on, man.

This is my bathroom, Cole, come on up out here.

Martin, Martin, Martin, don't be rude.

These are your house guests, come on, baby.

Damn that, baby.

Ah, all that cheese, oh nachos give brother gas.

- Ah! - Martin, look at Tommy.

'Ain't this a bitch.'

No, you are not shaving your skull bone

in my, in my sink, Tommy!

Huh, oh, no, no, Martin, See, I always

shave my head before I go to sleep, sorry.

Martin, look at Cole.

Cole, no, you are not clipping

your crusty ass toenails up here, man.

Just one more.

Get away from it.

Toenail out, I want you out.

- Martin! - M-Martin, what, baby?

Don't you understand, it could've hurt you.

The toenail could've hurt you.

Alright, fine, fine..

But you gotta, uh, read us a new bedtime story.

- With the toenail! - What the hell is so funny?

We got you back.

What you mean, you got me back?

We got you back on playing your two best friends

to guess each other to be the best man.

Well, Martin, that ain't right.

W-well, oh...ah!

- Get it? - Yeah!

- Get it? - Yo, wow!

Yo, wow!

Get out! You heard me, get out.

Martin, after the way you treated us

neither one of us cares who is the best man, anyway.

- That's right, Cole. - Look, it is not my fault.

Gina made me pick.

And you still haven't picked, Martin.

- You have to have a best man. - What are you saying, baby?

That I got to choose?

Yes!

You don't.. Baby, I don't..

...believe you.

Let the score go by us. I'm gonna go with Tommy!

Oh, damn it. You always liked him better.

Oh, and Cole!

- What? - Baby..

This is our Hashy-Flashy moment.

Get the camera and take pictures of me

and my two best man.

Come on, man.

You know, you are not getting your gifts back, right?

Smile!

This is for you.

I'm taken aback, man.

It's a gift, man.

- Gift, man. - I'll get that. I'll get that.

I'll get it. Just hold on a minute.

A minute.

I just know if I don't get it right

God knows, he won't be the same.

- Oh, God! - It makes..

It makes a lot of sense.

It does, man, it does.