Original subtitles

Uh, you know what, I'm gonna tell ya.

Y'all must be special.

'Cause I don't just let anybody peep the old family album.

- Right. - Gina, baby, wake up.

Damn, you see her head? She's all..

- Wake up, girl. - Oh!

- Ha-ha-ha. - What's that?

Who is the funny lookin' baby, okay?

That's me, Carl.

Eww! Please tell me your mother slapped the doctor.

Girl, please. At least I wasn't the pick outta the litter. Aha.

Oh, who are-who are these people, Martin?

Oh, that's the family portrait

taken after one of our Thanksgiving dinners.

Gina, check it out.

Back then, mom and them used to hook dinner up, you know?

Well, I'm glad those big Thanksgiving dinners

are played out. You know what I'm sayin', girl?

See, that's what I'm talking about.

- Y'all just can't cook. - Wh.. Unh-uh.

Martin, I've cooked Thanksgiving dinner for you before.

Yeah, yeah, like last year

when you forgot to kill the damn bird before you cooked it.

I ain't seen that much bloodshed since "Scarface."

I told you. No kids. No turkeys.

Okay, but if you want to hit the mall, okay, then hit it.

Okay, well, I'll let her know.

Look, baby, it's like this.

The women of the house

they're supposed to cook Thanksgiving dinner.

That's just tradition.

Calm down.

Okay? Now, some of you '90s women

have just gotten a little lazy.

Brother, please!

Women work just as hard as the men.

- Who told you that? - Yes.

You should try cooking dinner for yourself.

Oh, no, that's if you can reach the stove...short boy-ardee.

Oh, short boy-ardee, like that?

I said it. Uh-huh.

Tommy, you better check your pet, alright?

Before I go to the Taser on her fat, bam! Right on.

Boy.

Better talk to her. Right here.

Wow, you guys, this year, I thought

we could all go to the movies for Thanksgiving

and then afterwards go out to dinner.

C-can I have dinner with y'all, this year?

'Cause, uh, m-mom's is outta town

and Big Shirley's gone hunting.

Okay, well, well, cool, you family.

So, that's down, you can do that, you can do that.

You know, I remember when I was young

when my mom used to bake pies, and cakes, and cobblers

and we just sit around and talk about

what we had to be thankful for.

I guess y'all didn't talk about hair.

You know, baby, you need to cool it on him on that.

You didn't have to do that to him.

Check Tommy's choice of words.

He said his mom cooked.

Is it coming in? Is it thinking?

Is something swirling?

My daddy used to cook, and he loved it.

- Your daddy used to cook. - What's so funny?

And he loved it! Ha-ha!

You know, Tommy, I think it's very sexy

when a man can cook.

- Huh? - Very sexy.

- You know.. - Watch him.

I-I can cook, baby.

You know, I'm a damn good cook, too.

W-wait a minute. W-wait a minute.

Scoopy, whose side are you on, man?

The one rubbing all up against me right now.

Martin, uh, look, man, I'm tellin' you somethin'--

She put a net, muah-muah-muah! You just purring like a cat.

It's got nothing to do with that.

I'm tellin' ya, I just think that

we should cook for the women this year.

Are you getting light in your ass?

- No. - Then what is wrong with you?

No, all I'm sayin' is, a lot of men are great chefs, man.

Yeah-yeah. Word. Word. Like Uncle Ben.

Yo, brother cook the hell out of some rice. Don't he though?

Tommy, if we let y'all cook

Martin will never let me hear the end of it. That's out.

That's right. You are right.

I'll throw it up in your face every chance I get.

Every chance I get.

You know, Tommy, I was just looking so forward

to your, uh...stuffing.

Hey, brother, d-d-do you use stovetop

or the kind that come in the turkey already?

- Do you use stovetop-- - Look, look, look..

M-Martin, I-I think t-that we should cook here

and the women should cook at Pam's.

Oh, alright, check it out.

Why don't we put a little bet on it?

Whoever cooks the better meal wins.

And the losers have to wash dishes

every day until Christmas.

- I got it. - You got it?

I got it.

Gina, you oughta know if you go up against me.

You-you can't win.

Am I supposed to be...scared?

Alright, y'all, let's do this. Okay?

I ain't trying to lose no bet, okay?

Here we go. Tommy, what we got in the cookbook?

Alright, "Step one, remove the innards

from the abdominal cavity."

Okay.

What does that mean?

Snatch out the guts. Okay?

Okay, Martin, Martin, you do the turkey.

Okay, Cole, y-you start on the chocolate cake.

- Alright. - Let me get my tools.

Cole, I'mma need you to hold the flashlight so I can do this

'cause this is going to be a rough one.

- Martin? - Uh, yeah, yeah?

- What are you doing? - Taking precautions, Tommy.

You don't know who this turkey's been with.

Now, this is gonna be a rough one.

Cole, I need you to hold the flashlight.

Okay, put the light on it. Put the light on it.

I'm going in.

Hey, hey..

Rahh! Aah!

Uhh!

Oh!

- Ah! - Ew!

- Wipe! - Ahh, wipe.

- Here we go. Alright. - Ahh. Whew!

Alright. "Step two, season the bird."

Season the bird. Season the bird.

God, eh!

Season your little bird down.

- Martin! Martin! - Uh? Yeah?

What's up with all the pepper, man?

Oh-oh, see, Tommy, what you wanna do

you wanna make it spicy.

Okay, so the trick is you use the same amount of salt

as you do to kinda even it out, okay.

And don't let me get started on the paprika.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Then you, you know, smack it and then flip it, rub it down

and it's all good.

- Alright. Alright. - It's all good.

How's it going with that cake over there, dawg?

Oh, it's cool, man, just gotta get, get rid

of some of these eggshells.

Nah, d-don't sweat with the eggshells.

No, that's gonna settle at the bottom

and that makes for good crust. Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh! - Yeah.

Damn, brother, what you been doin'?

Taking cooking lessons behind our back?

Well, I do a little some-some.

I don't only like to talk about my cooking thing

but, yeah, I cook, I cook. Yeah, you know.

My mama always say, you know

"If you want it good, you gotta throw your drawers in it."

You know what? My grandmother would say that.

She.. "Baby, did you put your drawers in it?"

Yeah, give it a kind of scent. Give it some odor.

You gotta give it a little, little..

Tommy, hit the TV, and let's see if the, see if the game's on.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, Martin, look! Got a man wide open!

Pass it! Pass it!

Oh, damn. Bam!

- Dropped it. - See?

See? They don't listen, man. T-they did it all wrong.

Had they did it like this, you gonna have a problem.

Get down. Smack. Down!

- Down. - Down, set!

- Twenty-two! Forty-two. - Four! Four!

- Hut! - Uhh!

Hey!

'No! No! No!'

Don't spike it. We got to eat that.

- My bad. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright.

Whoa. Yeah.

That turkey got a little weight to it.

Turkey got a little weight.

I tell you, you know, we get this baby to cooking

and the grub is on.

- Alright. - It's on.

C-C-C-Cole, Cole, Cole..

What, w-w-what you doing with the candy, bro?

Uh.. Brothers, you said you wanted candied yams, am I right?

- Right on. Right on. - Right on. Right on.

I understand you got the goods we ordered?

Okay, candies. Right on.

Whoo! Let me just get this.

Now, hey, hey, all we gotta do is sit back

and wait to collect on our bet.

- Let me grease it down. - There you go.

Let me grease the turkey down a little bit.

You don't, you don't want the legs ashy.

You don't want the knees ashy.

As a matter of fact..

Cole, get me some baby oil out the room.

I'mma do that thing.

Can you believe their attitudes?

Martin expects you to cook like his mother.

You better tell that brother you are not his mother.

You know what, you're right, it's time I put my foot down.

I'm going over there right now

and calling this stupid bet off.

Hey, girl, who got your back?

That's right, Pam. I mean, come on.

What I'mma tell him is

Look, we're going out to eat this year. That's final.

Martin's mother's got him spoiled rotten.

Happy Thanksgiving, chicken-head!

No.

Well, don't just stand there, chicken-head!

Take the damn bags!

Come on up in here, Florine.

Everybody, this is

my Cousin Florine.

You sure didn't lie.

Look at the head on that one.

Is it thick-head? I say, is it thick?

Ah, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

It's really good to see you, Mama Payne.

But why are you here?

Girl, I'm here to help out with dinner

'cause you ain't about to poison my baby

with the lowdown, schemingest cooking.

I don't know what the emotional attachment is

that my son has for you.

That's why I'm here, if you wanna know why I'm here.

That's sweet.

That's really, really sweet, but you know what?

Every time I come over, you get me emotional.

We, we.. We have everything worked out, okay?

Everything is fine. It's done, alright?

Are you, are you trying to push up on me?

No!

I'm not trying to push up on anybody, okay?

It's just that we all decided

to go out for Thanksgiving dinner this year.

No, no, no!

No, no! I won't hear of it.

Now, me and cousin Florine are cooking, and that is it!

- Okay, this is Thanksgiving. - Oh, good.

I think that's a wonderful idea that you guys help us cook.

You know what? I'm so glad y'all came over.

I like her.

She's just so calm.

- Isn't she? - Yeah.

I knew that you would.

Don't put your hands on my face no more, baby.

Ooh, I tell you..

You know it ain't too late for you and my Martin.

Oh, no offense, Mama Payne

but it ain't going to happen, cap'n.

- What? What was that? - Ouch. Nothing.

- Some hip-hop slang? - No.

Some of that.. Ah! Ah! Go, get it! Ah! Ah!

- Is that it? - No.

'Cause Mama knock you out!

Uhh-tzzzz!

I'm just playing, baby.

You know, I like you, baby..

...but don't get cute.

You ain't too old to catch a skillet upside your head.

Bang!

Ooh!

Yoo-yoo-yoo-yoo! Yoo-yoo-yoo-yoo!

Come on, Florine, let's take the cooking in the kitchen.

Grab a bag. Come on, now.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Hold on, hold on, hold.. Wa-wa-wait a minute.

- What? - Something..

Something's burning.

Cole, I thought you were supposed to be

watching the turkey.

Martin, I was, I was watching the game like you.

What do you mean "watching the game?"

I can't find it.

W-watch out. Watch out. Watch out.

Oh, man!

Aw, man.

Ah-ah!

Where's-where's the rest of it?

What you mean? There it is, right there.

Oh, man! Now, wha-what are we going to do now?

What you mean, "what are we gonna do?"

There ain't nothing wrong with that turkey.

That's a good damn turkey.

Well, I likes me a little dark meat.

All you got to do is scrape it off like toast.

Look. Loo-look at that.

That comes right off just like toast. See that?

Uh-uh.. Yo, yo, fellas!

Something trying to get out of the oven, man.

- What? - Somethin'..

Everybody grab something, alright?

Whatever's in there, we're whupping its ass.

- Okay? - Yeah, yeah.

- Bring it on. - You ready?

Bring it on.

- Grr! - Oh, oh, oh, h-h-hold it.

Hold it, y'all. It's, uh, it's my cake.

I-it's my cake. It's cool.

- Alright. - Martin, help me get this.

Alright, alright. Br-bri-bring it on around.

Bring it on around. Come on. Ah!

- Be careful! Be careful! - Alright.

It, uh..

It ain't that bad.

- It ain't that bad. - Why's it growing?

- Oh! - Hey!

Yeah. Ha-ha.

Ooh, look at y'all, grown men scared of a cake.

Oh, no. I don't know, I don't know that this just any cake.

Th.. What-what the..

What the..

Who put their draws in the cake, man?

Whose drawers?

Like-like you said, man.

You said mama said

"Put the draw's up in there."

This is ridiculous.

That woman won't even let us in the kitchen.

Yeah, but what happened to "I'm gonna put my foot down?"

What happened to that?

Shut up, and keep shelling the doggone peas

you giving me a headache.

I don't know how to shell peas.

Edna, you know you always was better than me

with that cornbread.

Oh, w-w-wait a minute, Florine.

You still chucking them peas, big face?

Yeah. Yeah.

Just don't say nothin'. Just smile..

What? What did you say, Gina?

Don't mess with me, Gina, 'cause I'll take you here..

Chuck! Boom! I got ya!

Now, don't play with me, Gina.

Whoo.

Now, just pass me those peas.

Did you say pass the peas

like you used to do?

I said pass the peas like we used to do.

Ow!

Whoo!

Pam, you got such a lovely voice..

Thank you.

You know but we couldn't hear you over Gina.

Yeah, she does tend to sing over me--

Sound like somebody choking a damn cat.

Eew! Eew!

Now, how would you have sang it

if you wasn't drowned out?

Oh, let's see, now. Uh-huh.

Mama? That's alright..

We going to win, you know we gonna win.

Okay, fellas, show us what you got.

Losers.

"Losers."

You want to stop breathing over the food?

Right? Now..

I guess the only thing losers could come up with..

...is this. Bah!

'And this! Hey!'

And this.

Suave.

Now, w-what y'all got?

I don't know, Gina, I mean, all we have are, um..

- These.. - And those.

And..

...that! Okay?

Don't try it!

Don't tell us we can't cook.

Alright. Alright. Wait a minute.

The nose. I'm..

Wait a minute.

Somebody's living foul.

Somebody's living..

What? What?

Get off of them. Get off of them.

Tommy, Tommy, taste one of them.

They're my mama's biscuits.

They're my mama's biscuits.

Yes. Here, Gina. No.

They're my mama's biscuits. That's right. You cheated.

Y'all didn't do nothing but snap them raggedy-ass peas.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Looks like, uh, we won.

That's right. That's right.

Well, look, the soap is under the sink.

Get the soap. Start the brushing.

I want to hear--

Ah! Tut-tut! Tut-tut!

Not so fast, okay?

Somebody else is living foul around here.

Look, brother

I ain't never seen a turkey

with one, two, three legs!

- Three! - Wait a m.. Wait a minute.

Count it. Just count them for yourself. Count it, count it.

- Okay, you-- - Just take your time.

Okay, go ahead.

- You got one.. - One.

One.

- Two.. - Two..

- Three. - Three.

That's a wing, so three.

Well, you got four. Ain't nobody said nothing to you.

Ain't nobody saying nothing.

Hold up! Hold up! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

- Wait a minute. - Wait a minute.

Plastic silverware?

Cole, where'd you get it?

I don't know. Martin--

No-no. No. Martin can't help you now, Cole.

Where'd you get the plastic?

Hush your mouth. Don't you say.

Ah! Ah-ah. Ah-ah.

Uh, I don't, I don't know, but it wasn't a caterer.

Oh, man! I mean..

A caterer!

Y'all cheating!

Well, my mother cooked your food, Gina.

What? You don't know that.

I slaved over those peas.

Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!

- Baby. - Don't yell at me.

Listen.. Okay, sorry, honey.

Guys, listen..

- Check her. - I'm checking her!

Listen, let's all check ourselves, okay?

- Yeah, well, I'm checking me. - Alright.

The way I see it, after checking ourselves, we all cheated.

- I-- - No!

The way I see it we have a table full of food, y'all.

Let's just sit down and eat before it gets cold.

Never mind, man.

Never mind, okay?

Pam's face made me lose my appetite.

I've had about enough of that.

Wait a minute, we went through all of this

and y'all mean to tell me nobody's gonna sit down and eat?

Y'all should've listened to me from the giddy up.

We could be at the movies right now.

Okay, you want to go to the movies, I'll drive.

Only if you bring your booster seat

so you can see over the wheel.

'Cause you ain't gonna be driving me..

You know, if you gonna keep messing with me

then I'm gonna get in ya.

Hey, Diane.

How y'all doing?

'You know, you better stop messing with me..'

What the hell? Somebody done..

What happened?

They've been in the cranberry!

Even mama's biscuits.

'They done even been in the potatoes.'

'They've even been in the gravy.'

Whazzup?

Hold up.

Brother Man, no, you did not eat

all the Thanksgiving dinner, man.

Everythin' was hittin', too.

Except for them raggedy-ass peas.

Raggedy-ass peas.

That's what he said.

Please go say something. This is too much.

I-I'm going to do something, baby.

Brother Man, I mean, I mean, serious, man.

You come up through here.

You, you don't knock, you don't talk to me.

I mean, you tell me, man.

What are we supposed to eat? We hungry. We hungry!

What are we supposed to eat, Brother Man, huh? Are you crazy?

Naw, just hungry, Mart.

He's hungry. He's hungry.

But you've got our whole damn..

I'm about to go over mom's house

over on 5th street eat up some more.

Y'all can roll if ya wants to.

I'm hungry.

- Starving. - Me, too.

'Sup, cousin Flo, what you doin' here?

I came back here for my Tupperware.

Oh.

What's that y'all listening to?

Oh, that's Millie Jackson's new song, "Love Quake."

I heard that.

Let me see what you got.