Original subtitles

Martin, you're exactly where you should be.

Where Varnell Hill was two years ago.

The man is bigger than Arsenio.

Are you going to be in Hollywood anytime soon?

- Nah, nah. - Damn.

If you were in Hollywood sometime soon

you would be on my show.

I quit my job.

We all are goin' to Hollywood.

I'm going to be on the Varnell Hills show.

Beady Bead get your saddle, we heading out west.

Yo! I gotta catch up with Varnell.

His show starts in an hour.

Can we be out? Thank you, please!

- Yo, Martin, come here man. - 'What?'

Yo, let me get a $100.

I want to get this baseball cap

they got in on sale.

Cole, a $100?

Oh, yeah, that's just a

down payment for the layaway.

What's spike tryin' do?

Buy his 40 acres and a mule?

You got to do without that Captain DeBrown, I'm sorry.

- Ho! - Check it out, check it out!

- Hey, how you doin' sweetheart? - Ha-ha!

- 'Alright now, ah!' - 'Ha, ha, ha!'

- 'Yeah.' - 'Wassup?'

Hey, baby, can we be gone?

Can we, I got places to be.

- We got to go now! - Baby, baby, chill, okay?

We have plenty of time, we're on vacation, remember?

- Please! - Oh-ah-ah!

- Denzel Washington! - Where, girl?

- Right there! - 'Where?'

Shut up, hey. Shut up, shut up!

I'mma play this cool.

- I'mma play this cool. - Say "Hi", for me.

Denzel! Denzel!

It's me, Pam!

Ah!

Hey, what you doin'?

Hey, that's my car, hey!

Pam! Oh, my God!

- Pam-- - She left us!

Hey, well forget her.

We got to be out, let's go.

- 'There you go.' - Appreciate it, alright.

Oh! Woo!

Alright, check it out, alright look

look at the limo, y'all, remember

he was tellin' about the limo, look.

- Yeah, Martin. - Alright, Gina look.

This is the deal, you and uh-uh-um..

Uh-uh, Cole go in and get the seats.

Hold 'em for us, alright?

Tommy, you are with me

we've got to find Varnell, okay?

Martin, I've a really bad feeling about this.

Varnell hasn't returned any of your phone calls.

You just don't come to LA and expect to get

on the Varnell Hill show.

I'm sure there's a process

to this, you know, you had us--

Gina, Gina, Gina!

Please, baby, I don't want to raise on you, okay?

Listen, okay, the process is

he invited me and we're here, okay?

Now can we be in, support your man, that's all I ask.

You know it's really hot

and why don't you stop embarrassing me?

I'm not embarrassing you!

Yo, Tommy!

Varnell Hill's green room, boy!

We in here, we in here!

Smell that boy?

See now that's Hollywood.

No, Martin what I think

you smellin' i-is Madonna.

She's just goin' freak all into green room.

She only gettin'...all up in the green room.

Well, look here, man, I got to handle some business, right?

So I'm going to work the room you lay low, okay,

while I go smoothin' with the stars.

You know why, 'cause we in the hell!

- The hell. - That what I 'm talking about.

Woo!

Denzel, I won't hurt you.

I only wanna love you.

Wow! Burt!

What up, Burt, how you livin'?

That ain't Loni.. Okay, alright.

What's up man? What's up?

Yo, Tommy, Burt got the white man's weave.

Oh, now you got the money

to pay for it, don't you trim..

You want some of me, Michael, you-you want some of me?

Man, yo, man, you know what, I'm going to tell you like this

send your Papa Joe over here, alright, I'll show him what

a real ass whoopin' is all about.

Go on back to them.

I don't believe you the real Michael, anyway.

Real Michael got glitter on his socks back on up, bro.

- Tommy, Tommy, come here, man. - Yeah.

I'm getting ready to bust Michael up.

We got to get up outta here, man, okay?

- Let's go find Varnell, please. - Okay.

But, Martin, um, I am..

...trying to get with that one, brother.

A little of..

Okay, well, uh..

Handle your business, handle your business.

But remember, okay, you in Hollywood.

Check the neck.

What's in the neck?

Check the Adam's a-a-a-a-pple!

Alright. Bye.

Yo V, it's me Martin.

It's your boy, what's up?

Yo, V, you in here?

I know you are.

Oh!

Aah!

What's up?

Dawg! It's our boy, what up?

Uh..Marky.

- Come on, man, Martin. - Marky?

WZUP, Detroit, in the hell.

- Martin.. - Yeah, Martin.

- What's happening, man? - Wassup?

Alright, okay.

Umm, what are you doing here in Hollywood?

Well you remember, you said if I was ever in Hollywood

to stop by, huh?

Yeah.

I am here!

So when I'm on? When I'm on?

Hey man, I said it, I'm goin to do it, okay?

Now, lay up in the audience, for now.

Okay, and I'm gonna hook that up

like it ain't no thing, okay?

Hey, man, it ain't nothing but a G thing, baby.

You are right man, you, you..

- You, brother. - What did I say?

'Cause it take--

- Oh, you got a little c-- - Varnell.

- Yeah. - I peeled this grape for you.

Varnell, come back, I miss you.

Come on, Varnell, if we don't start soon, I won't get my turn.

Varnell, James is on the phone

he wants to know why you dogged him.

Hey.

Ooh, Hollywood.

Lemme get your door, bro.

I know you got the girl, hey.

Excuse me lady, alright.

Take it, good evening, hey, alright.

Oh, for me?

Little grape, come to Hollywood, get a grape.

Thank you.

Trick or treat.

Alright, man.

You might want to get you some, uh

sisters up in there, bro.

Yo!

I'm gonna be on TV.

Mama!

Alright, ah.

Ooh, baby, baby girl.

Guess who's on the show?

- Ah-ha, look at you, oh, yeah! - Oh, God, oh, my God!

Alright, when we get home, girl.

- Yaah! - Oh-ah!

Martin, that is great, you're going to be on the TV!

Goin' be on there, goin' be on there.

- Wait, wa-wait, wait a minute. - Yeah.

Umm, what're you doin' up here?

Aren't you supposed to be in the back

gettin' a make up or something?

Oh, no, I'm cool, I ain't swinging

with the make-up, okay?

I'm up here, chillin'.

Varnell told me to wait here

this is where he's gonna like pull me from

so I'm here, about chillin'.

'Stage 31 in Hollywood, California.'

'It's the "Varnell Hill Show."'

'With special guest, Michael Jackson, Madonna'

'and musical guest Jodeci.'

'And now the original Hollywood swinger himself'

'Varnell Hill!'

Whoo! Ha-ha.

Did you miss me?

Of course I did, but let me ask you somethin'.

- What's up? - What's up?

No, no, no, he did not, no, no.

Oh, oh!

Yo, yo, he stole your line man.

No, he didn't, no, no, no. Oh, I know what he's doing.

I just rapped to him backstage and stuff.

So that's probably a little call he doing out to me.

"What's up!", right back at you boy.

Yeah, it's-it's a callin' he doin' for you, right.

Welcome to the "Varnell Hill Show."

Let me ask y'all something.

Any cat people in the house tonight?

Meow!

What about them dog?

Woof, woof..

Hey, Garry, I'm going to tell you one more time.

Can we get some human beings in the audience or what?

Oh, oh, oh, oh-ah!

Oh...oh!

'Martin!'

- 'Martin!' - 'Martin.'

- Martin! - Martin.

- Martin! - Yeah, yeah.

Man, what the hell are you laughing at?

- He, yo, he's corny, man. - I know this brother, okay?

But until I get my three minutes on this show

he's Eddie Murphy and I'm Arsenio Hall.

How are you all doing, I'd like you all to meet

a very good friend of mine.

- This is it, baby. - Ladies and gentlemen..

Fred "Rerun" Berry, y'all, come on.

- Whoo! - Okay.

What you gonna say to the people, baby?

What's happenin'?

Hold on.

Hey, you there, no, no, no.

Hold on, hell, you don't come up here

I'll get both of you classy..

Hell, you don't go up here

okay, goin' up, "What's happenin'?"

Boy, you better get the pop locking up in here..

The hell's wrong with you, man?

I'm the only one who watches "What's happening?"

Snookey.

- I love you, I love you. - Baby, don't say nothin' to me.

Yeah, I'm a model, but, uh, I really want to be an actress.

- Really? - Yes.

- Good for you. - Thank you.

Good for you.

You know what, the lighting in here

is just absolutely beautiful, ain't it?

Uh, huh.

- What are you doing? - No, no, no.

Nothing, nothing, baby, I'm just.

Just admiring your neck. That's all.

I-i-it looks a little swollen.

I'm just gettin' over cold.

- A cold. - Yeah.

She gettin' over cold.

Look here, brother..

I, er, I don't know who-who you think you fooling, but, uh..

You thought you had me, didn't you RuPaul, huh, you did?

Hey, hey you know what?

All you damn, Hollywood people are sick.

And you, you need Jesus!

Uh, baby, I hate to tell you this

but there's only 10 minutes left in the show

and, uh, it doesn't look like Varnell's gonna get you.

Uh-uh, Gina, baby, please.

I'm, I'm not trying to hear all that shit.

I want you to open your eyes.

The eyes are open baby, I've been looking

looking for my time to be out there, baby.

Now, this is the time I need you to support me.

Okay, I need you there for me, girl.

Honey, I love you, okay?

- I-I love you, man-- - We both love you.

But, umm, it's not gonna happen.

- No, it's not. - Oh, please!

Oh, it's gonna happen, Gina, alright?

All I need is three minutes. That's what I came out here for.

"What's up?", Oh, he owes me, please.

Okay, here we go, man. In 5, 4, 3, 2..

Alright, man, this next group

is tearing up the charts hotter than baked clams.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up..

...for Jodeci.

Oh, yeah, y'all thought it was over, didn't you?

Whoo!

You know, girl, I think you're cheatin' on me.

Me and Jodeci think ya cheating on us, you know!

You telling me you're going out for a big gulp.

It's11 and you never come back with a gulp.

That's the strangest feelin'.

Nick Nite Patty White.

Brothers, well, um..

Right on.

Hey, yo, uh, hey Madonna

you might wanna move down, alright, thank you.

Jodeci, Jodeci, give it up.

You know, uh, the boy's a band.

Umm, me and Jodeci probably, you know

you never know when you're gonna see us

we're gonna do our thing, Jodeci and uh--

We'll be right back..

Right back. Do you miss me?

- Now then, whoo, Jodeci-- - Clear, uh-ah.

Man, what the hell is your problem, man.

- You lost your mind? - It ain't abou--

Well, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Calm down, Varnell, alright.

I mean, you promised me I would be on this show

and I figured it slipped your mind.

So a brother just jumped out "K-CI", "Jo-Jo".

I never promised you'd be on the show.

You know, they might not ever be on my show again.

That's Hollywood talk, man. Don't you get it?

- Hey, Rerun! - Yo!

How many times have I invited you to my house?

Hundreds.

And how many times have you actually been

to my house?

None.

And what would happen if you came

to my house Rerun?

I'd probably get sprayed.

You see that?

Capin' is behind, man.

That's what's going to happen, man, that's Hollywood talk.

So, so, so, so, so, you tellin' me all that was Hollywood talk

the little yam talk, the little catfish thing

we were rapping about, all that was just Hollywood talk.

Is that, is that what you're telling me?

Bingo, Amigo. Snookey!

- Oh, oh, you gonna call-- - Do work.

- Oh, no, that's wrong, Varnell! - Yup, you know what I'm saying?

- That's wrong, V, you know. - That may..

That maybe Hollywood talk to you

but we are from Detroit.

Hey, boy, Detroit is in the house.

You know, what I'm sayin'.

Detroit's in the hell, you know.

Varnell, let me tell you something.

You promised my man his three minutes.

You're going to give him his three minutes.

That's right, that's right, you're gonna

give my man his three minutes.

- Three minutes! - Three minutes!

'Three minutes!'

Baby, I love you.

Give him his three minutes.

Alright three minutes, aye.

Hey, did you think I wasn't going to

have him on for three minutes.

Of course, I was gonna have him on for three minutes.

What's three minutes, you know what I mean?

Three minutes.

Varnell!

That's all I ask is for my time.

You know, I don't never want to hurt nobody.

- I just want my time. - We're going, we're going.

- In 5, 4, 3, 2.. - Alright.

Alright, and welcome back to the Varnell Hill show.

I'm sitting here with a newcomer, up and coming

came out to Hollywood just for a little spell.

Hey, Martin, how's it been out here, man?

- Man, you know, i-it-- - Uh, we're out of time!

Hey, I'm glad you could join us this evening.

Will you miss me? I'll see you in 23.

I ain't training the monkey to talk in Hollywood.

- Or is that-- - Clear!

Somethin' they do or whatever..

So, so when I-I, uh, walked up, right, I was on the brail.

Kid, this one's over!

So, so, so, light and bright, come, come, come, come on.

You, you, you saying this, brother, you know, I mean

I mean we're not coming back after commercials.

What do you think I'm having some kind of

mental connection or something? Huh?

You know you have been a thorn in my ass!

Since this whole thing has begun, man

you better get it together or leave it alone.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Get off me, hey, get off me!

Snookey, Snookey, man, Snookey, man!

- Get off me, man! - You're the punk, boy!

Where all the Black people around here? We qualified!

And get some of my Latino friends up here.

Stan, listen, I want to come home, okay?

I'm out here in Hollywood. It ain't what I thought, okay?

Hey, Detroit's my home. I want to come home.

Cool, Stan, my man, alright, hey, I'm on the next plane.

Cool. What?

What's up, you ain't so bad without your boys.

You ain't bad, you ain't nothing.

You know, yo, Michael

I wanna tell you, you gotta beat it, man.

- You better beat it. - Tito!

Oh, no need, no, you didn't.. No, Michael, didn't swing on me.

No, you didn't swing on me.

Sick of all this..

Damn it, I'm down with your man.

How about that?

Here we go. Denzel, Denzel!

Hold it, hold it.

Hold it! Now!

I came all the way from Detroit to see you, Denzel.

Excuse me, do I know you?

Oh, no.

You're not Denzel.

I'm from Africa, I've never heard of this Denzel.

Uh, oh my God. I'm so embarrassed.

I feel so stupid, I'm sorry.

No, no, it's alright. But I was on my way to lunch.

- Would you like to join me? - Are you cra..

- Well, is this your Limo? - Yes.

- Is all of that your house? - Yes, it is.

Man, let's go.

You know, you remind me so much of the women in my country.

- Oh, really? - Oh, yes.

Your buckshots make me home sick.

May I call you Beady Beat?