Original subtitles

Oh, wassup baby?

Baby, I got it!

- You got the promotion? - Yes, Martin!

And Pam got bumped up to my old job, Martin.

Wait a minute.

Buckshot's got bumped up?

Beady B got bumped up?

Yes, Martin. Beady B Buckshot got bumped up.

W-whatever. Y-you, baby, you.

You are now looking at the new assistant director.

What? Girl, you get enough paid, you know that, hah?

Assistant director.

Is that why you're looking so sexy tonight, girl, huh?

Well, maybe you can assist me in the bedroom.

Oh, no, no.

Tonight..

... I will be directin' in the bedroom.

Oh, oh, oh, so, now that you got the promotion

I guess you're going for the raise.

- I'm going for the raise. - Ah, the raise.

Congratulations, Gina.

- Pam told us all about it. - Thank you, Tom.

Y'all gettin' paid now, huh?

Yes, yes, I'm making so much money now

I might start investing in stocks.

Hey, well, fine. I got a tip for you.

Lookin' at the back of your neck

uh, hot comb stocks away.

- Martin. - Way up!

You know what, Martin?

You're just jealous.

Face it, bro.

You've been in the same job for what..

...two years, now?

Your career is going absolutely nowhere.

Wassup?

'Mm-hmm, I said it.'

You know...

See, I was just playin' with you, okay?

But you just got real.

Now, you know I'm sensitive about my job.

You didn't have to go there.

Well, you know I'm sensitive about my buckshots.

You didn't have to go there.

Okay, okay, but there's a big difference, alright?

A good job is hard to come by

but they got Dark and Lovely on damn near every corner you pass!

- See? - Okay?

Now, lube it down, Beady B.

There ain't no excuse. Lube it down.

You come up into my place

you lucky I let you in it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Hey, hey! - Hey!

- Hey! - So..

Pam! Pam, the kitchen is fine.

I know that!

Check again.

- And Martin, Martin. - Yeah. Yeah.

You're exactly where you should be

where Varnell Hill was two years ago.

He started off with WZUP

look at him, now.

The man is bigger than our city, yo.

Well, he's in town.

I cleaned the plane he came off of last night.

Varnell Hill. Now he makes me laugh.

He was very funny when he was on WZUP

and now he's the man.

Oh, yeah. He's large now.

I mean, you know, I hear they're thinkin' of naming

a day after him.

Really? As in a holiday?

No, no, I mean like Monday, Tuesday..

...Varnell, Thursday.

Eh, man please, alright?

Varnell's wack.

He's a sellout. It ain't funny.

W-w-what's the line he always say?

"Did you miss me?"

Man, please.

I like that one.

Baby, look.

Look, don't you worry about it.

You'll be as large as Varnell.

And you got a lot going for you.

In fact, my man, my baby

is hosting the opening of the new community center tomorrow.

Girl, I, girl, I forgot about the community center.

Look at you, lookin' out for your man.

Uh, that's right. That's right.

I'm gettin' ready to blow up.

I'm headin' to the top.

And you know what? I'mma buy you that big house you want.

Look at you with the blush, huh.

Look at you.

- Tommy, Cole. - Yo, 'sup?

You got Porche.

- Oh, you knew that. - You know what I'm sayin'.

Alright, Pam. You'll be there too.

You'll have a saddle on your back

to give my kid horsey rides.

Stan, my man.

See, this is the kind of publicity

I'm talkin' about, brother.

New Jackeo.

See, these are the big boys.

- The big sponsors, huh? - Yeah, yeah.

This is a classy event, you know.

They've got free giveaways, valet parkin'..

Uh, Shawn, there's no valet parkin'.

Oh, yeah? Then who'd I give my car to?

I'll be right back.

Oh, Stan, look at all these people.

My people, Stan.

See, they're here to see me.

'Cause they know I'm finally stompin' with the big dawgs.

Sure, you're right.

So, what's up, Stan?

When do I give my speech?

When do I cut the ribbon?

Uh, Martin, now look

there's been a slight change in plan, okay?

Look, Varnell Hill is in town

and he's givin' the speech.

- Varnell Hill? - Martin, look.

I had no choice, man.

Varnell is huge.

He's so large

they're even comin' out

with a Varnell Hill Nintendo game.

No, no, no. Forget Varnell, alright?

This is Detroit. These are my people, man.

Damn it, Stan. I will be heard.

Excuse me, Stan. Alright?

Yo, wassup, people, wassup?

Ha-ha!

Where's Varnell?

Alright, look, look, look.

You might wanna sit down, Zulu lady.

- Sit down. - I'd love me some Varnell.

He's all of that.

Uh, Ms. Geri, now we done been

through this in church before, okay?

Now, excuse me

but I will fight an old lady.

I'm warnin' you.

If I don't get me some Varnell soon

I'm gon' turn this mother out.

Slow your roll, alright.

Slow your roll.

Slow your roll, 'cause damn it, I will be heard.

Thank you. That's all-

Thank you. That's all I asked.

Did you miss me?

You know, I may be one of the biggest stars in Hollywood

but it wouldn't mean a damn thing

if I couldn't bring it back to the community.

A place where I'm from.

So, don't forget to watch my TV show

go see my movies, buy them CDs, cassettes and albums.

They're available in the back

and all that in the hot wheel track.

You can best..

That's right!

Oh, consider this community center..

...open.

Oh, Varnell, where's the party tonight?

Uh, Latifah, party's right here.

Play that funky music, white boy.

Varnell..

- Varnell. - Stan.

Hey, come on over here.

You remember my main man Martin Payne?

He was an intern at the station when you left.

Uh, yeah.

As a matter of fact I do remember him.

I don't recognize him without the mop bucket.

You used to go out with that little red blonde, am I right?

Hey, man. I'll tell you what, man.

Give me a, uh, cup of coffee, no cream.

I'm sorry, brother, but I ain't no damn coffee boy, alright?

I happen to have the Number 1 morning show

in all of Detroit, brother.

- That's pretty good, man. - Look here..

Varnell, if you're gonna be here tomorrow mornin'

why don't you come on down to the station

and do Martin's show?

- Does that mean free publicity? - Free publicity.

- Hold up, Stan. - I will be there.

- Varnell.. - Uh, okay.

Hey, look, I'll see you tomorrow, huh?

- Alright, okay. - And, Martin..

- Remember one thing, huh. - Yeah.

There's two things that are important in this world.

Both of them are love.

You chill, yeah?

I'm outta here. Hey, Snooki!

There's a crowd between me and my car. Straighten it out.

- Did the brother smack me? - I guess he did.

Hey, Martin, I-I'm just gonna go get an autograph.

I'll be back in a minute, alright?

Oh, so this is it?

I get showed up by Varnell, he smacks me.

Oh, oh, the old lady wants to rub on me.

So I guess this is it.

I done hit rock bottom.

I don't know, God. I mean, wassup?

What'd I do?

I mean...does it get any worse? Does it..

Hi, can I get your autograph?

Oh..

Oh..

Well..

I love the kids. I-love-the-kids.

Oh..

And I love you too, Gary Coleman.

Girl, I can't believe I got that corner office.

Yep. The one with the big window, too.

Ah! You're burnin' me.

Sorry, here.

There you go..

And-and my own receptionist

- Do you know Kevin? - Yeah, I know Kevin.

He's cute.

You think he's gay?

I don't know, but I know his boyfriend definitely is.

Damn. Why'd good-lookin' brothers got to be gay?

Why can't...Cole be gay?

'Yeah'

'You know, Gina, this promotion'

is like the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I'm making so much more money

and I am getting treated with much respect.

- You know what I'm sayin'? - Pam, Pam, Pam. Shh, shh.

Martin's still down about his job.

Girl, he doesn't wanna hear anybody's good news right now.

- Okay? - So?

Hey, I just found a $50 bill.

I mean it was sittin' right outside the door, right?

Martin, anybody could've found this, brother

but, but I did.

Damn, life is good!

That's right, Tommy.

And you know what, brother?

It just got that much better, okay?

Because I got, right here

five tickets to anywhere you wanna go...in the US.

What, for real?

Love me, love me.

- Forget all that. - Cole.

Where'd you get the tickets from?

You busted a hook-up, alright?

Now, all you need to know is this..

Us four here, we the Warnburgs.

Alright?

- And Tommy. - Mmm.

You're our Danish nanny Ooter.

Cole, these are real tickets.

Yeah, girl. I know they are.

And check it, we could go anywhere we wanna go, right?

I say we go down South.

Uh-huh.

Visit us some rednecks.

Start a little trouble, get a little payback.

You know what I'm sayin'? Y'all with me?

Bump that. I say we go to Hawaii.

That's the place!

Oh, dear! That's right, yo.

Hawaii's part of America now, damn.

Well, chuck it. Anyway look, we gotta use these real quick.

Alright. There's a catch. We gotta do it within three weeks.

- Three weeks. - What?

Cole, I just got a promotion.

I can't take a vacation that soon.

Me neither.

Thanks for buildin' our hopes up for nothin'.

Excuse me.

You know, I think Ooter comin' down with somethin'.

Uh-uh.

Yeah, I think I'm comin' down with it too.

It's one of those seven-day Hawaiian flu.

Oopsie, Gina.

See, you all up in here.

I-I got it.

- I got it. - We got it.

- I got it. - We got it!

No, wait, all of y'all..

...need to be ashamed of yourselves.

- Lyin' like that. - Martin, baby.

I know you're still down about work and everything

but maybe a vacation will be the perfect thing for you, honey.

Yeah, well I might as well go, Gina. Alright?

I ain't got nothin' else goin' on here.

Dang, Martin.

I didn't know you were feelin' that bad.

Yeah, Pam. I mean I don't joke all the time.

Damn.

But who cares? I'm goin' to Hawaii.

And we're back

with Varnell Hill.

Did you miss me?

Yeah, brother. They-they-they miss you.

That's why I cut that last commercial short.

Okay, I was afraid people would call in

"Where's Varnell? We miss him."

"We miss him." You are funny.

Thank you.

Look, we gotta go to phones to take a call.

Caller, wassup?

Wassup?

Whass... That is funny. You are funny, man.

You.. Okay, you're gonna walk in the footsteps next, brother?

Okay, damn! Alright?

- Are you writin' my stuff down? - I wouldn't do that, man.

Okay, well it seems that way, you're jottin'.

This is doodlin', man. My creativity's got to be fed.

Alright, well, caller are you there?

'Yeah, I just wanna say I love you, Varnell.'

'And I watch your show all the time.'

Excuse me.

Okay, first of all, honey, alright.

When you're callin' to my show, say hello to the host first.

Respect the host.

'Oh, sorry. Hi Martin.'

- 'So Varnell.' - Yes.

'I saw you dedicating that youth center on the news.'

'You're a wonderful human being.'

You sound like a very wonderful human being, yourself.

Probably as beautiful as an early autumn pomegranate wine.

You see, baby, I don't do this just for the recognition..

...I do it for the children.

Woo. Ha-ha.

Woo! Ha-Ha. That was lovely.

That was beautiful.

Johnny Grant just signed you up. My, my, my.

So... Oh, man. Alright, look, look, look.

What the people wanna know is about the real Varnell.

Varnell the man, okay?

Um, what kinda car you drivin', brother?

Uh, actually, I, um, I'm not drivin' anymore, man.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

I actually have a limo.

- Oh. - Yeah, a Mercedes limo.

A Mercedes limo. You didn't have to throw that in.

You rollin' like that, huh?

Alrighty, alrighty.

Rollin' like that, rollin' like that.

Okay, well, um, y-y-you got a big house?

You got acres?

Uh, we own half the county.

So you mean all that's you.

Whatever's in the county, all that's you.

A lot of investments, we bought homes.

We bought stores, retail.

What about basketball courts?

Um, brother, we like to ba.. What about that?

Actually, we don't have an outdoor court

we have an indoor court, white bleached wood.

Larry Bird was down at the house, man.

Let me tell you somethin', that--

Why don't you have the brothers

down there to play ball?

Why Larry Bird gotta come to your house

to play ball?

Him and Jordan made that McDonalds commercial there.

Do you remember that? When they--

- That was your house? - Exactly.

- That's where it started. - Dang.

Okay, well enough about that.

Do you have a pool, brother,

you got a thing you can swim, man

splat, you got that?

Don't have a pool. You got me.

I thought I had your ass. Ha-ha.

But we got a ten mile lake out back.

- 'Lake?' - We call it Lake Varnell.

Yes, catfish is delicious.

So, what I do is I'd go out back, man.

Catch my reel, pull that out

fry it, dye it, lay it to the side

red beans and gravy..

I ain't too lazy.

So, uh, uh-uh, you got cat fish in the pool.

Brother, look, we gotta break to commercial

we'll be right back.

Ain't this something?

Alright, alright, look, maybe, maybe, okay

let me just sit down and calm down.

Okay, brother you got a..

A lake named after you with catfish.

- Delicious. - Catfish?, huh?

You got greens planted around anywhere?

- I mean if you wanna. - You got yams?

Actually, they're imported from New Orleans.

Damn.

Okay, look, I'mma cut right to the point, man.

Okay, um, I got bills.

And uh, what I got goin' on here ain't cuttin' it, brother.

I ain't gettin' it.

So, what I wanna know is

who did you hook up with?

And brother, how can I be down?

How can I get to the yams?

Man you gotta.. You don't get it, man.

You gotta get an act and you gotta work on that road.

Brother I don't have time for the road, okay.

I got bills, okay? I'm tryna get to the yams.

The yams, okay? The greens, the cat fish, okay?

- I don't have time. - You gotta have faith, man.

Alright, faith.

Faith, okay, you gotta have faith.

What's her last name?

You don't get it, do you, man?

- I don't get.. You don't get-- - Hey, man, hey!

You don't go snatchin'..

So, when we come out of commercial, man

I shoot this next question here.

Varnell, look, man, I'm sorry about that earlier.

I was just trippin'. You know brother was just trippin', man.

Hey, man. Ain't nothin' to it, really.

I'm serious, man.

Well, look, look, look.

It's just, you know, I've been doing the same thing

you've been doing, right?

And-and-and I'm still stuck here.

You know, I don't, I don't get it.

I remember the first time I was on "The Tonight Show."

Wait a minute, which one was that?

Johnny or Jay?

Oops, Johnny.

- Man, I had three minutes. - Mm-hmm.

- White hot set. - Yeah.

- Cooked like clams. - Yeah.

Once that set was over, bang, pow.

To the moon, my career took off.

Damn. Word, word.

- Straight up, you go pew. - Pew. You hear me?

Was in the green room, Bill Cosby came back

in the green room, asked me for some Jell-O puddin'.

That's somethin' else.

Listen..

Um...listen.

Uh, y-you know how you just did my show?

Yeah.

How about a brother come out and maybe be on your show?

Alright. Man, uh, when..

Are you gonna be in Hollywood any time soon?

No, no..

Damn.

You see that?

If you were in Hollywood sometime soon

you would be on my show.

- For real? - For real.

- Come on, man. Come on. - You're a real brother.

- Man, I am real. - Oh, man.

Hey, gotta get outta here, man.

Plane's 'bout to take off. I'm out.

Look here, man. Take care of yourself.

- And I mean that, man. - You be safe.

Hey man, I'll do that, man. Oh, yeah.

By the way, this lil' tinker shop you got goin'

this is all that, man. I dig.

I dig.

'Varnell.'

Did you miss me?

Martin, Martin.

I'm now ready to talk to you about that new promotional idea.

Not now, Stan, alright?

I got some things on my mind, okay?

Martin, this is foolproof. Dig it.

Martin, you are now the new WZUP stripper

for ladies night, at the Black Expo.

You know what, Stan?

You done sold me out for the last time, brother.

What do you mean, Martin?

First the community center, now this, huh?

You want me to put on some orange draws with the ass out.

Man..

Stan, I ain't takin' it no more, bother.

You gotta do this, man.

Because I give you your paycheck, man.

You will be a rump shaker.

You got that, Martin?

- Yeah, I got it, Stan. - Uh-huh.

Yeah, and you get this.

Kiss my ass, okay?

'Cause I quit, Stan.

Will you miss me?

- I say we go to Maui. - No, no, no.

Oh, look, Martin's happy again.

Baby, I knew this trip would raise your spirits.

Ain't gonna be no trip to Hawaii.

Yep, I quit my job.

We all are goin' to Hollywood.

I'm gonna be on the Varnell Hill show.

Beady B, get your saddle, we're headin' out west.