Original subtitles

Dinner's ready!

I made sushi for the entire family.

So, um, Axl, how was school today?

Uh-huh.

Did you learn anything? Or perhaps participate in shenanigans?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

The flerk goes "ba-KOOK-a-zoodle."

Okay, kids, that's enough.

We agreed,

no devices at the dinner table.

Then what's the point of eating?

I'm asking you to put away your phone.

Now tell us, what happened at school today?

They asked me to put away my phone.

I said, "No."

I can't communicate with my own son.

He's on his phone 24 hours a day, yet he's never called me once.

I'd kill for a butt dial.

Why are we the only family dealing with this?

Dwight?

Dwight!

I told ya to get your jam-jams on!

We need some way to get through to him.

What if I post one of those catchy dance videos?

Hoo, ooh, ooh. Hoo, hoo, hoo-hoo. Hoo!

Husband, ya can't dance.

Sure I can. My doctor okayed it.

Hoo, hoo-- Ooh! Oh!

Bedtime, Cubert!

Oh, bother.

I'll have to fetch him from some dam-ned alternate reality.

Bedtime, Cubert!

Oh, bother.

He's in an alternate, alternate reality.

Leela, I'm worried other people's kids

are spending too much time on their devices.

Kids. Am I right?

Yes.

I thought so.

Amen, brother.

"Screen addiction" is what they call it.

And it's destroying society!

Woo-hoo! Go Righty!

I've had precisely enough of this.

Activating Deny-Fi.

You're mean!

For the next two hours, you're all offline.

Go play outside!

There's a big, beautiful world out there.

Ugh!

Man, I can barely even control that pigeon.

This world needs an update.

I'm jonesin', guys.

I needs my net!

Yo, I got gigs!

Uploads, downloads... What do you need?

You got 5G? I need a nickel.

Man, I got 10G.

You want me to cut it with some static?

Nah, just hit us up.

Pretty scary, huh?

Hi, my name is Bender and I'm a recovering screenaholic.

If you're currently using another device

in addition to the one you're watching me on,

then you're a sick, sick bastard.

So pick up a third device and call me now.

Together, we'll get through this,

just me, you, and your credit card.

In fact, forget you!

Phone sex also available.

Screen addiction.

Every time I see it, it only gets a little easier.

Well, at least here in the hospital, they're free from their ding-dong devices.

Hey, check it out!

Bet I can get it up to 150.

Oh yeah? 170! Eat my beats!

Stop video-gaming your heart rates!

Ooh! This is the last straw.

Come on, fellow parents.

Let's go back in time and not have kids.

-Oh, yeah! -You said it.

Wait, I've got an idea.

It's a really bad idea, but it's better than his.

Hello, twerps.

Welcome to Zapp Brannigan's "Scared Screenless."

An intensive two-week program to wean you off your devices.

And to be clear,

you are the wean-ees.

I am the wean-er.

Questions?

"Why," you ask, "is the DOOP's rearest admiral

running a children's camp?"

I didn't hear anybody ask that.

It's because young people today can't meet the DOOP's fitness requirements.

In the old days, recruits came in looking like me.

Kif, tighten my girdle so they can see what I look like.

And voila, I stand before you, an adonis.

It's go time. Devices in the bag,

losers on the bus.

Here! We got one more loser.

Hey!

What'd I do? Nothin'!

You're as bad as everyone else,

only worse.

Get on the loser bus.

Well, sport,

this is our last chance to talk for a while.

-Stay safe! -Good luck, son!

Watch for greens snakes!

Love ya, Bender!

Bite my shiny metal

ass!

So, LaBarbara, with no kid around,

it's the perfect chance for--

Ladies' Night!

Don't wait up, Hermes.

-Woo-hoo! -Let's do this!

Ah, who needs them anyway?

We can have our own Ladies' Night. Right, men?

-Yes, we can! -We need it!

I call designated driver!

There's no WiFi here on Remotus.

Nevertheless, I shall hoist your devices

high atop this naturally occurring stripper pole

for one reason and one reason only,

to taunt you.

It's working.

Ugh!

I have built entire mobile game cities out of candy,

but I can't put together one stupid tent?!

How are we supposed to do this

if we can't watch a video on how to do this?

Ahh, this is roughing it.

If anyone needs me, I'll be exfoliating in my yurt.

Then Mandy said, "Make my bed? But I already have a bed."

-Get it? -Oh, that's

as cute as when Dwight said the same thing.

Hilarious.

Now, can we talk about something else?

How about if anyone mentions kids, they have to drink?

-Sure! -Bring it on!

This is fun.

I haven't been out day drinking since I had kids.

Oops!

Ha! You look like Dwight after I give him goat liver oil.

Uh-oh.

Kids, kids, kids.

Hey! Unh! Party-mobile!

Come on, Kif, no moping in the moon roof!

Well, I suppose I could stop worrying about my son for a short while.

I'll panic all day tomorrow.

That's the spirit.

Zoidberg?! You're supposed to be driving!

Ugh. God forbid the driver should get a morsel of fresh air.

Chopping firewood sounds fun until you do it.

Ow!

Right in my a-hole.

Antenna hole!

I just wish I had my phone

so I could film this for lumberjack fails.

Ow!

Campers, the trick to starting a fire is persistence.

But sometimes being a quitter works, too.

I prefer cold stew anyway.

Cold, raw stew.

Say... this might restore my dignity.

-How do I look? -Sporky.

Eat hearty, campers.

For tomorrow at dawn, we set out to hunt the wily snipe.

The wily what what?

None other.

The snipe is difficult to describe,

yet extremely real.

It's got the talons of an eagle,

the fangs of a viper, the feathers of a pillow,

and the angry red buttocks of an infected baboon.

It preys on the weary,

so get some shuteye before sunrise.

Look, sunrise!

Then the hunt has begun.

I'll be getting some shuteye.

What was that?!

I think I heard a snipe!

I think you didn't.

Because I think Zapp made it up.

Yeah. I've never once heard of a snipe.

And I'm a 12-year-old kid.

Man, the sun is sunning.

Whew!

Bender, you've got bars!

He's getting internet from the sun!

This star must be a relay on the stellar backbone.

Hey, I was Redditing!

If we got our devices back,

we could piggyback off his signal.

Ooh, I'm a hotspot-bot!

Go, Bender. Go, Bender. Go, Bender.

Aw, yeah. That's the stuff.

Now we just need Bender's password.

You mean "assword."

"Assword1"?

That's not a very secure assword.

Oh, yes!

Lumberjack fails, here I come.

Looking up "snipes" on Snopes... and...

Debunked! No such thing.

Whew. Well, that's a relief.

'Cause otherwise, I'd have screamed my head off

when I saw that snipe.

Dwight--

Zoidberg! You're going the wrong way on a one-way street!

Fine. Fine. I'll increase my driving.

Now you're going the wrong way on a two-way street.

What seems to be the problem, Constable?

You just crashed into a police station.

Damn, this cabinet was three days from being used

to store retirement paperwork.

According to Wikipedia snipes do exist!

-That was me. I just updated it!

-Ow! -Ow. Ow!

Stop pecking me, you stupid murder bird!

Uh, we call it a chicken.

I'm known by the name of Groovestick Waterfall.

And this is my old lady, Bliss Waterfall.

Peace, brother.

Brother? Ew!

It's just a figure of speech, m'kay?

-We're cousins. -Mm-hmm.

Centuries ago, our mutual ancestors split from Earth,

'cause they were, like, bummed out by science and technology.

Except a spaceship, apparently.

It was pedal-powered.

They came here to be one with nature,

and not have to work.

Generations have continued their dream

through a careful program of selective inbreeding.

Not that careful.

Here is where we make our dream trappers.

No-kill dream trappers.

To catch the snipes.

And then you kill 'em?

Nuh-uh, they die of fright, dig?

And this is where we grow all our food.

-Except the snipes. -Shut up.

Mm! Mm.

Mm.

Here, all is provided by Mother Sun and Uncle Moon.

Even fun? What do you do for fun?

Fun? What is this "fun"?

Like, what do you like to watch?

Plants growing!

-Go corn! -You got this, radish!

Seriously?

This is what we do on Earth.

Whoa!

Don't look! It'll take your souls.

It's just solitaire.

Witchcraft and dark science!

Mother Sun!

She's being eaten by the great snipe of heaven.

No, wife-goddess.

She hides because

your satanic electro-machines have angered her!

You can't blame us!

It's just an eclipse.

Don't listen to the chubby wizard.

I have a metabolic condition.

The sun is gone forever!

Our crops will wither.

Not on my watch.

Hippies, attack!

Get it off! Get it off! It's a mole!

In the name of peace, aim for the head!

Alright, hand over your devices.

I have a device, too.

Two tin cans on a string?

It's the latest in affordable tech.

The battery life is excellent,

and it smells like cream of mushroom soup.

Hello Fry, how's the soup on your end?

Tell you what, you can keep yours.

Maybe Santy Claus will call ya.

Really? I never gave him my number.

We've gotta find that dumb bus driver!

I think his name is Yurt.

No, it's Zapp.

He's useless.

I'm calling my dad!

Come on, pick up!

Wait, it's my son!

Hello, Axl?

How is camp? Are you making friends?

We're sorry. This call cannot be completed.

Please hang up and worry.

No, I need that!

My son never calls me unless it's an emergency.

Sounds like the emergency is your relationship.

Aw, yeah.

The call dropped!

I have no bars!

The WiFi's out too!

And right when I was about to get 10,000 steps!

It's 'cause the stupid sun is blocked!

That was our access point.

It's a total eclipse of the internet!

There they are! Radish at will!

Oh no!

I deserve that.

Ah, the best part of waking up...

...a box of wine and the gentle song

of children screaming in nature.

Help! We're under attack by peaceful hippies!

There's only one way to deal with every situation,

guns.

My iBlaster! It's not working!

That's 'cause it needs to connect

to a server in Des Moines, Iowa.

Damn. To the bus!

The iHatch! It's not working!

Des Moines, Iowa!

Damn this network-dependent technology

to hell!

Oh, why did I pick today to start my life of crime?

My son is in trouble. I must talk to him!

Now see here, ya mug.

There's a network outage on Remotus.

All the skells was talkin' about it in the yard.

Yes, but Zapp has a hard-wired emergency phone.

Hard-wired? To another planet?

It's connected through a subspace wormhole.

Oh, if only we had a phone on our end.

Like that phone?

Sweet skink of the clink!

It's some kind of Stone Age relic.

We had these back in my day.

You put coins in here,

you pick a number out of a book, dial it,

and ask if their refrigerator is running.

But nobody has coins anymore!

Not since suicide booths started takin' Venmo.

Eh, coins are for chumps anyway.

I'm what they called a "phone phreaker."

Yello?

Captain! Oh, I never thought I'd be happy to hear your voice.

How dare you use the emergency line.

We're having an emergency!

I'm behind a protective shield of children,

but who knows how long they'll last.

Please, let me speak to Axl, before it's too late.

Is, uh, one of you Axl?

I am! Is it my dad?

Oh, uh, hang on. One last thing.

If I don't make it, I want to be buried in my dress uniform.

And a formal girdle.

Hello? Kif?

Yoo-hoo?

All I wanted was to never speak to him again.

And now I'll never speak to him again!

Hold up, Bender's got a phone jack!

Hand me that cord.

Oh no you don't!

Finally!

What is this cable, haunted?

Hello? Dad? Can you hear me?

Saved it!

But the piece you talk into is broken.

Here, use mine!

Ah, that'll never woik.

I'm leaving you jokers behind when I bust out of this joint, see?

Who's the idiot pulling on the line?

Axl?! It's Daddy. Hello?

Dad! I'm so glad I got through to you.

I'm really scared.

You're gonna be okay. Don't hang up the can.

They're coming! I have to go.

I'm sorry I was a bad son.

Axl?!

Axl, what's happening?

Hello? Hello?

Sharpen the olive branches!

Load the hacky sack cannon!

Whoever you are, leave my son alone.

If you so much as lay a finger on him,

I'll rip your heart out with my bare hands

and make you apologize before I give it back!

Alright, I'll take my phone back now.

Who-- Who-- Who's-- Who's talking?!

Zoidberg. Who's listening?

Groovestick Waterfall,

peace-father of the Remotus commune.

Must be nice. So, how's the weather there?

If I'm honest, here we've had a mild summer.

Sorcery!

Ooh.

What wondrous visions dance upon these cheese plates?

We call it content.

We will call it "God."

You have corrupted their souls.

Taste the fury of my rain stick!

The snipe! It fooled us by existing.

Dude.

I'll avenge you, Dad.

Let's go, kids. Mission fun-complished.

I'm back, baby!

Is that you, robot?

Okay, beat it.

We need this cell for another group.

The jail ain't been built what can hold me.

Finally, I can text Axl!

Are... you... okay?

Oh, he's not replying.

Maybe I should text him six more times.

Leela! How'd you know where we are?

I don't even know where I are.

Kiffy!

Have you talked to Axl? Is he doing okay?

Yes.

We just had a beautiful conversation.