Original subtitles

ANIMAL CRACKERS

"I'm committing suicide because I'm broke and alone in the world. Tot�."

"UNPAID GAS BILL"

"STRYCHNINE"

But then you are not a mirror?

Me? No! I'm one who looks like you.

Or rather, it is you who look like me.

- Even in your voice. - You too?

Bicarbonate.

Strychnine.

Excuse me.

Wait!

Are you in a hurry to commit suicide?

Would you mind waiting a few days?

If I wait, it won't be a suicide.

- Why? - Because I would starve to death.

I kill myself exactly to avoid starvation.

I propose a deal.

Do you want to gain ten thousand lire in two days?

Come to my house and let's talk.

Meanwhile, read this letter.

"Dear Tolomeo, kisses. Your aunt Heloise.

PS. I forgot to tell you that according to the will, if you're not

married with my niece Ninetta before noon the day after tomorrow,

five million lire will be donated to the hospital for crazy animals."

"CRAZY ANIMAL SANATORIUM"

You and your husband have already seen with what affection we treat animals here.

- Certainly. - If you knew how they love us!

Look how affectionate this dog is.

You know why it yelps? For fear that I hurt my foot.

Oh, what a wonderful example!

- Don't speak, idiot! - Damn.

- And here is the hammerhead. - Please.

Here is the hammerhead.

It's depressed because it has no goal in life,

as there is no nail-fish.

Do you see this beast? Bring it here.

Who knows why, it's fixated that its wife betrays it.

But here we can help. Take it.

This patient is an ox obsessed with the idea that his wife is unfaithful,

so every night he enters through the window.

This poor dog forgot his name.

He's our amnesiac.

We have a monkey who fancies herself a great pianist,

because she alone can play with four hands.

These monkeys spend the night like this, convinced they're asleep.

We also have these monkeys who think themselves to be the clinic's doctors,

and that we are the monkeys.

This other monkey believes himself to be William Tell.

We try to treat our patients well, even when it comes to food.

Some will get drunk, but, as a punishment,

we put them to fasting, or to bread and coffee.

You see this?

It is a sleeping drug for our neurasthenics suffering from insomnia.

And this one is for hypochondriac birds.

- I see, another sleeping drug. - No, a "singing drug."

A drink we give to songbirds who no longer want to sing.

Wonderful!

You hear that? Right now they are under the influence of that drug.

Delightful!

So you can bring your horse here with full confidence.

Sure, ma'am.

- Stupid as always! - Goodbye, ma'am, thank you very much.

- Goodbye. - I'll escort you.

- Come on. - Come on.

Good morning. Sorry to have kept you. Have a seat.

You will understand how anxious we are about getting the inheritance.

I told you that everything is in order. Look.

All you have to do is wait two days, unless, of course, the Baron...

Oh! Good morning! Sit down, please, Director.

It's not dangerous.

It believes itself to be the clinic director. Better not to contradict.

- Good morning Director! - Good morning!

Good morning, Director!

- So, you said? - I said, unless the baron returns and marries the girl.

There's no danger. We know that the Baron has a very jealous mistress,

who keeps him abducted. The inheritance will be ours.

I rejoice for ye gentlemen, I regret for the other party.

As for me, I don't give a hoot.

- So, you understand now? - No.

It is the third time that I explain.

You will pretend to be me, Baron Tolomeo De' Tolomei.

But you don't have the mole!

I do have a mole ... but not in my face.

Tolomeo!

Tolomeo!

Damn! It's her! Luisa! Maria Luisa!

She woke up! Ah! Quick! Quick!

Meanwhile, get dressed. We'll fix the mole later.

Tolomeo, who are you talking to?

Quick, quick! By Jove!

- The mole is spot on. - Tolomeo, Tolomeo!

Open, open! Open right now! You are with a woman!

Open now! - Quick! Hide yourself in there!

Stand still and do not move!

Who did you talk to?

Me? .. No one. I recited verses, listen:

"Stand still and do not move, if not, you can't improve".

Oh, really? You can't fool me. We shall see!

Oh! Give me that letter! Immediately!

You're getting married!

You're getting married!

Ah, but you won't do it, or I swear I'll kill you!

But I'm not going. You know that I love you.

For the next two days you won't leave the house!

It is useless to try to escape. You will depart with me, okay?

Oh, no! Oh yes! I'm not moving, I stay here!

- No, I'm staying here. - Meanwhile, you will be my prisoner.

New Mithridates!

I'll drag you in chains to adorn the triumph of a barbarian queen.

But if I ask no better than to stay with you!

You know, I love you. I adore you. I love you so.

Lulu! Lulu?

Look at me. I'm your "Bubi".

Really? You really mean it? You swear?

- Yes, I swear. - Yes!

I'll get dressed and we go out.

Baron: take this!

Be less stupid, or I lose the inheritance.

- But I will gladly replace you! - You haven't understood anything!

It is you who has to stay at "Villa Bella" for two days.

I thought I had to stay with the lady.

Oh, no! I'll replace myself, with the lady!

Meanwhile, you leave. The day after tomorrow I'll come for the wedding.

You accept?

All right.

No!

Here are 1,000 lire in advance.

So, I'll go and replace you immediately with your beloved cousin!

Bye!

She loves to sing while playing the harp, but is incapable to sing or play,

so she'll pretend to sing while I play a disc of a famous singer.

Quick then, come on.

- Oh, God! It's the wrong side. - Turn it, fast!

Hurry!

Fabrizio, you know how long I've waited for this telegram? A whole year.

Exactly. How did you guess?

You know, Fabrizio, you really have a "second sight".

And you know who sent it? Baron Tolomeo, my nephew, who will soon be here.

How happy my niece will be! She awaits the Baron with open arms.

Ah, Ninetta, you're here.

So, we agree? You will marry me, won't you, dear?

- Maybe. - Maybe!

What do you mean "maybe"? Still thinking of that dreadful Tolomeo?

A year after he disappeared?

You know well he was around to attend to his horse competitions.

Oh, yes? Here are his horse competitions! Look, look!

Have you seen?

You don't know him, you came recently.

He's noble, majestic, handsome!

Ninetta!

I have good news.

I don't want to see him! I do not want to ever see him again!

Let him return to his women!

You see, Fabrizio? She is happy! Fully happy!

He's only coming for the inheritance! How I hate him!

Yes, it's the fire of love! It's fire!

Listen to me, dear. Seek comfort in my arms.

Leave me alone!

Oh, God! She's dying! She's dying! Water, water!

- Excuse me, Miss Ninetta? - Water! Water!

It's fire!

- Water, water! - Water, water!

- Water! - Water?

- Fire! Fire! - Fire?

- Water! Water! - Fire! Fire!

- Water, water! - Fire, fire!

- It's fire.. - Water! Water!

- Fire! - Water! - Water! Water!

- Fire! Fire! - Water! Water!

You're on fire!

Oh, you naughty girl!

Oh, Tolomeo, dear! She's so happy for your return.

Yes, I'm happy.

I waited for this moment since years.

I'm glad you came,

so that I can shout just one word in your face:

Scoundrel!

Miss, you've called the Baron Tolomeo De' Tolomei a scoundrel?

Yes, exactly!

All right, then!

And you did not notice any symptoms before the madness?

- Well, I'll tell you... - Let me talk. You know nothing.

This horse, after the death of his mare, has lost his mind.

It's dangerous to mount. He does follies! Want to see how he jumps?

No, no, thanks.

Hereditary defects among his ancestors?

- Well, I think ... - Shut up, fool!

He is the son of the famous Amphitryon.

Are you sure it's his son?

In this matter you never know...

He always has to say something, this moron!

Excuse me, could I leave here my wife too?

Ah! Slap him!

- Slap him! - Me, ma'am?

Slap him! This man is taking liberties!

- Me? No, believe me! - It was him.

No, ma'am, it was Libertine, our crab.

But I cannot allow this! I shall slap him!

But this is weird! No one is safe here! - Don't move... That's it!

One moment.

We are ruined! The damn Baron Tolomeo has come!

Calm down. Don't despair.

We must proceed with caution. Watch him and keep me informed.

Now that it's all settled, let's drink to your happiness.

I won't drink. I'll never marry him!

Well! Alright!

This is the happiest day of my life.

So the wedding is scheduled for after tomorrow at noon.

Word got out that the Baron has come for the wedding,

and the whole town is here below, to pay homage.

- May I? - Even June!

Ninetta?

Ninetta!

- They are awaiting you. - Me?

A challenge to a duel! That we have the honor to bring on the part of the Duke.

Me? A challenge? A duel? Me?

Due to slap you gave him six months ago.

- No, no, no, you can't go ... - No, no, please, let them.

How beautiful these girls are! Watch! Watch!

Look at this, and this too. What do you bring here?

- Pick one, pick one! - Melons? What a beautiful melon!

- Take, take. - Thank you. See you soon.

Thank you. Thank you. What beautiful melons!

Please tell us, Baron,

where we can meet with your seconds,

in order to set the time, place and weapons.

Decide: saber, sword or gun.

- I've decided. - Which one?

Him the saber, and me the gun.

This is no time to joke!

- Tell us where we can meet with your seconds. - Baron!

Wait a minute.

Gentlemen, one moment. Excuse me.

Agreed, then. After tomorrow.

- Baron! - Well, what do you want?

It is about that IOU.

- What IOU? - 10,000 lire. - Right!

I have no small change. Come after tomorrow.

- What time? - At any time, but after tomorrow.

- Thank you. - You're welcome. - See you soon. - Good evening.

They've all gone to bed, because tomorrow will be a hectic day.

- What? - Hectic. - Ah, hectic!

- If I may, I'll escort you to your room, Baron. - Please go ahead.

- At what time the saddle? - What?

At what time do you want the horse ready tomorrow morning?

The Baron will make a nice gallop.

Me? Perish the thought!

- Why do you say that? - Because the Baron is a great horseman.

So, what time?

For after tomorrow...

I mean... for yesterday... I mean, for the usual time!

Damned Baron! A horseman as well!

What are you saying? Are you crazy?

Understood. In the morning he will take a ride.

We'll send the crazy horse.

The Trojan horse... I mean...

- How do we make him mount it? - Quiet.

With an injection it will become a lamb first, and then a lion. Yes.

On horseback... On horseback!

Baron, the horse is ready.

Oh, my God! On horseback... On horseback! Oh, Mom, what will I do?

I do not know how to ride. I do not know how to ride.

How can I go horseback riding?

I need an idea. A horse, a horse. No, no, no!

Yes!

They come, they come!

Try to lie down, Baron.

Tolomeo. Tell the truth, dear:

you're not feeling well.

Fabrizio!

Fabrizio!

Call three or four doctors immediately.

How do we do?

What are you feeling, Baron?

- Baron Tolomeo is sick. - He needs to be "cured", huh?

I trust you go with some colleague and...

you know.

I'll take care of it.

It is an extraordinary case, you know!

Incredible!

Let's try this.

It's always the same thing!

Shall we raise him? Pull him up.

It is really an atrophy from sports!

Yet they say he's a great horseman!

But you'll see, after the cure the passion for horses will return!

And tomorrow...

Let's put him on the bed and try the system of "rational disarticulation."

Enough!

Enough!

I am healed!

Bring me the horse immediately.

The towel!

Tolomeo!

How are you? - Very good.

Oh, good!

One moment, one moment! He is charged with electricity.

Distinguished colleagues, watch.

When it comes to riding, Tolomeo is always the first.

Mother! How do I do?

Oh, the glue!

Tolomeo, hurry! We've been waiting for an hour!

Good morning! Good morning!

How darling!

Baron...

The Baron's horse.

Easy, easy.

Look!

Extraordinary! Bravo! Bravo!

Hey, you!

Take this.

Incredible!

Jump!

- What's he doing? - What a rage! Go to the roof you too!

Me on the roof? You're crazy, dear.

Go! I can't stand the triumph of that obnoxious Tolomeo!

I don't want to go and I won't go, on the roof. Look at that!

Bravo!

But enough now, come down!

Damn!

- Very good! - Bravo!

Mind you. If you aren't able to do at least this, I won't marry you!

All right! I'll try. Come on!

Run, run! The horse has become skittish! It ran away!

But, Ninetta!

Oh, poor lady!

She's been bumped off, instead of him! ???

The inheritance is ours!

Let me through.

Help!

Help!

- She's there! Save her! - Calm down.

Help!

What now?

Thank you, my savior!

Oh, but you bleed! Are you hurt?

Nothing... Trifles!

Well? You don't hate me anymore?

But I... I never hated you. Only, I believed you didn't love me.

But now, after what you've done, I feel that I really love you.

Ninetta, but then you haven't forgotten the Baron Tolomeo De' Tolomei?

No.

All right.

I don't understand. I even gave up my wedding to follow you ???

Where are you going? You won't leave this house without me!

- New Mithridates! I'll drag you in... - Stop!

I like you thus, my barbarian queen! Don't move.

I've waited years for this pose to get a good photograph.

Come here. Like this. Here, like this. Good.

Grind your teeth the way that you alone know.

Bare your claws, o my tiger, my panther, my puma!

What?

Puma!

Oh!

Are you done?

But, can I move?

Hurry!

Swine!

Tolomeo! Tolomeo, come here!

Where did he go? Tolomeo!

Get out of the way!

Tolomeo!

Damn!

So, you understand?

- But how can I hide in the wardrobe? - Oh, the patience!

- If someone finds out? - I'll take care of it. - All right then.

Whew! Wait!

- Here. - Thanks!

This time we've got it!

- So we must abduct the baron for 24 hours. - Very well.

This way the term for the wedding will expire.

Then they can marry if they want. But the inheritance, no.

Here, take this sleeping drug, and give it to the Baron tonight.

So that the hitman can act freely.

And so we'll get marr...

You know I don't allow you liberties before the success of our venture.

- But a small advance! - I don't give advances.

- At most, I could give you an IOU. - What?

A promissory note. At three months date.

I wouldn't want to have to endorse this IOU to others.

Come on, if you'll know how to do, tomorrow we'll own the legacy.

And then...

Oh, it's our little leaper turtle!

Pretty, isn't she?

So, what remains for me is to abduct the Baron!

"SLEEPING DRUG"

Here's the hitman who will kidnap the Baron during his sleep.

- Did you take the sleeping drug? - Yes.

Hitman! Hitman! Come here.

Come, I said! Don't always be afraid!

You've been doing this job for years! Come on.

So, now, go, and take action.

- Go ahead. - Come on, move.

Just a moment.

Just a moment...

Stay there!

Do you understand?

Wait here. I'll go to administer the sedative.

I've insulted you, and you remained indifferent.

I told you that I love you, and you stayed indifferent all the same.

- You don't you believe in my love! - Oh no! I do, I do.

You say it with such little enthusiasm. Want me to swear it?

No, please!

Confess! You think of another woman!

Look, right now...

Right now..

- I was thinking just of a man. - A man?

Yes, of a guy who... tomorrow morning...

will come for the wedding. Ouch!

Since when you're back you seem someone else.

No, I swear. I'm still the same.

No, you're more likeable!

Well, now I really feel that I love you.

What I don't like is your mole.

As to that, just a sign and I'll remove it.

No! Are you crazy? You know you can die by tearing off a mole?

For your love, I'll face even death!

- What were you thinking right now? - I can't tell you.

Tell me!

Don't insist, Ninetta, I can't tell you.

I want to know what you thought!

Heavens! I thought of you.

Me? Really? What were you thinking of me?

I thought: Now she'll ask what I think and I don't know what to say. There!

I was right, Baron Tolomeo returned.

Good. Tomorrow morning I'll be here for the ceremony.

Remember, madam, that the fatal term expires at noon sharp.

By that time the ceremony will be over, and the legacy will be ours.

I rejoice for you, I regret for the other party. As for me, I don't give a hoot.

- And the notarial instrument is ready? - The notarial instrument?

The... nota... rial... instru...ment...

# The notarial instrument will be ready for tomorrow.

# The notarial instrument will be ready for tomorrow.

# What - is - this - that's - in my chest?

# What is this that's in my chest?

# It forces me to always croon, un-inten-tion-ally!

# It forces me to croon!

# It's not suited to a law man!

# In the closet there's a hitman!

# Many people have the mortgage...

# The mortgage, the mortgage...

#- Oh, what egregious mistake! - Oh, how I want to sing!

#- They no longer marry! - Oh, the strange frenzy!

# Oh, I'm in a dream of love!

# My heart is burning!

# It makes me suffer...

# I'm preserving for you...

# a kiss of love...

# I cannot forget you.

Tomorrow morning I'll leave...

Forever.

Yes ..

I'll dress as a groom...

like that... as a make believe.

For pretense...

No, don't cry, my love!

I'll stay near you in my heart...

You understand?

No? You see?

Now it's you who doesn't respond.

- Good night, Baron. - Good night.

Oh, if I were the baron!

Well, bye!

Victory!

Done? Abducted?

No, it is no longer necessary. He's in my hands!

Trust me, this marriage will not take place.

You can't enter. She's getting dressed.

I'd like to see her before going... before getting married.

You'll have plenty of time for that later!

Hey!

Five minutes and I'll be with you. Five minutes! See you.

- Do we wait? - We wait!

- Everything went well? - More than well!

Instead I had a hard time getting rid of that woman!

For you. Take it.

Thank you, Baron. Ready for anything you ask.

Thank you.

Wretch! What have you done? My stovepipe with eight reflections!

- You wish? - How, "you wish"?

Reparation with arms! For the grave offense that...

Just today that I'm to marry? Go to hell! It's crazy!

Should we slap him?

- Let's consult the chivalric code! - Come on!

His reflection with eight stovepipes...

Oh, come on!

- Oh, here is! Good morning! - Good morning!

I want some flowers for Miss Ninetta at Villa Bella.

How many?

- For ten thousand lire. - Oh, Finally!

This is for you. Good day.

What are you doing here, Baron? Come with me to Villa Bella!

Well, I wanted to...

Come on, come on. All is ready for the wedding.

- I see! The mole is fake! - What are you doing? Are you crazy?

- Lout! Rascal! - Excuse me, Baron ! - Moron! Cretin! - I don't understand...

- Good morning! - Good morning!

- Hello! - Hello!

- Hello ! - Congratulations! - Thank you.

Goodbye!

- Mamma mia! - Stay calm.

I did not come to make scandals.

But at the precise moment when you get married,

I will let drop this bomb.

- A bomb! You are crazy! - This way...

- we will all blow up! - Hush, wretch!

Wait.

- Congratulations! - Thank you.

- Come away, I'll explain everything. - There's nothing to explain.

I'm staying here.

- Do as you think best. - What will you do with that bomb? Don't play with bombs!

Yet, this morning he had no mole!

- Who's there? - You don't have it! You don't have it! - I have it, I have it!

- A gift for the Baron. - How pretty!

For me? Thanks, honey.

Allow me...

How dare you? Scoundrel!

Lout!

How could I be wrong? Yet, this morning he didn't have the mole.

Well, I...

Baron, are you mocking us? Take that!

And these are our seconds!

It's no use trying to hide. Remember that I have it here.

- What? - The bomb.

The bomb?

It's a time bomb.

It will blow up at noon sharp.

- Mamma mia! - In just a few minutes.

Good heavens! Can't we set it at 1 and 65?

No hassles! If you marry, I...

But I'm not here to get married. I'm here to... You understand?

- So you insist, huh? - No! No!

- Who is that weird guy? It wouldn't be the groom? - No, no.

And Tolomeo? Where is Tolomeo?

You, look for the baron, immediately.

Just missing this mishap!

- Are you a relative? - No! I'm ravenously hungry!

And if the groom doesn't come, the refreshments won't be served.

- He can't be found? Good! - He can't be found? We made it!

- Baron! Baron! - The bomb!

- What? - The bride is waiting. Is this the time to play ball?

Here! Excuse me.

Come on, come on, Baron ! Enter!

- Oh, here he is! - Come on!

- But! There's two of them! - Two of them!

They are two!

I must be dizzy.

I have double vision.

Aha! Here he is, the impostor!

He doesn't have it. He doesn't have the mole!

Gentlemen!

This man is my fianc�!

In order to marry his cousin and get the inheritance,

he made himself be replaced by a look-alike!

Now we'll settle accounts!

Oh God, the bomb!

It won't start!

Why won't it start?

Wait, I'll try myself.

Miss Ninetta...

Yes. It's me the impostor.

And now... now that you know everything...

do you hate me?

Look what happened right on the wedding day!

The fatal term is now expired.

So, unfortunately, all the legacy goes to the clinic?

Undoubtly, since the natural son of the testatort was never found.

As is known, he was abducted from his cradle.

One moment! You said : "Was abducted from his cradle"?

I was kidnapped from the cradle! I'm a foundling. Dad was a foundling.

All my ancestors were foundlings.

Do you have the other half of this medal?

Certainly!

Now you won't escape me anymore.

Come with me, I'll drag you as my prisoner.

But then, you must also have a mole...

Oh, blessed be the mole!

I rejoice for you, I regret for the other party, as for me, I don't give a hoot!

A bomb! A bomb!

That's it.

END

Eng subs by edam17 & knappen @KG September 2013