Original subtitles

Dude.

Last night was fucking crazy.

Well put.

Can you Google how to get mayonnaise out of a chandelier? It happened.

I don't know. Well, I think, you know, Windeck.

I'm kidding, bro. That's what they're made for.

She knows those kinds of things. That's the person that... Fuck, stop yelling,

dude. My head is... I am sorry. I don't know. Totally implanted.

Oh, jeez. Do you want some? This could help with your stomach. Yeah, a little

Alka. Yeah. Alka hair of the dog.

Yeah, keep it down. You got it. It hurts so good.

Yeah. It hurts so good.

Wow. So, where were you last night, towards the end of the night? I kind of

you from it there, brother. I lost myself as well, and I'll tell you how.

You know that scuba gear that I had dad give me? Oh, shit, yeah.

Yeah, well, I figured a way that I could drink.

While underwater, breathing underwater with Scooby. Really? Yeah.

It was underwater intoxication?

Yeah. You did it? It's like going through a stargate.

We've been talking about that. Yeah.

You're floating and it's just, it's what I imagine heaven feels like. Wow.

But, yeah, it was cool. I missed out. You just did like a shit ton of cocaine.

Yeah, you did. And you had a lot of girls with you. I just kind of needed to

sail on my own for a little bit. Didn't fucking even though. You know.

My dick wasn't working with all of them. I know, yeah.

You're just pulling taffy. They don't even realize it.

Yeah, it's no fun. You know, I asked in the morning, I was like, yo, how was it?

And they were like, the shit was great. I was like, screw you. You know, I once

had an ex and two of her girlfriends in bed just, you know, doing their thing.

And I was so jerked up that I could, you know, I know the feeling. I know the

feeling. And then I'm like, come on, you know, let's go.

You know, usually I just fucking Netflix and pass out.

You know, anyway, good game last night. Fucking sick party.

Many more to come. Many more.

Yeah, I mean, fuck everything from Mompad. I think we gotta do something to

the time. You have to bring it up, like, every day.

Well, I'm gonna bring it up every day until we fucking party our sorrow. The

reason why we do this is to keep that down.

Yeah, I'm trying to get it out. Well, no, I want to keep it... I'm trying to

keep those feelings down, you know, because...

You deal with emotion better than I do.

Brother, I've been fucking the therapist, and she told me to let it

know, when it builds up, you've got to let it out.

Here we go again with this fucking shit.

Mom's ashes are near feet away from her.

Literally feet away.

Some people, the grieving process, right?

Oh, and she had a credit card.

We're all handed about a credit card. Yeah, take a card. Take a card.

She got two. We only have one.

Each. I mean, one each. Well, look, we can't use them together.

Please. Well,

well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.

What time did you boys get in? Five? Thick the clock?

It was the morning. I don't know. Technically morning.

Were you boys out partying again last night? We were grieving, Mom.

No, Father, I just really enjoy the taste of Alka -Seltzer.

Alka -Seltzer?

Oh, come on.

Alka -Seltzer? This is Alka -Seltzer.

That's fucking tequila!

And Alka -Seltzer.

God damn it.

God, what did I tell you boys about drinking?

Ever since your mother passed away, you have been on a... Getting declined.

I just don't understand you boys anymore.

You're out partying all the time.

You've been like this ever since your mother died. Partying every night, bad

attitudes. You're costing me thousands of dollars every month. Yeah, but Dad,

we're rich. It's okay.

Yeah, it's not like we're... No. We're not in the poor. Lick.

I'm the rich one. Lick. Okay?

Your name's Lick?

You're going to be like that? You're going to cop an attitude?

The old man's going to cop an attitude, too. Now, have you boys gotten a job

yet? Do you know when I was your age, I had two jobs. How do you think I was

able to afford this big house for us?

Yeah, for us.

All together us.

But look, people grieve differently.

He goes with therapists.

What, dude? Go to a rave?

Yeah, well, you know... That was last summer, dude. Now it's fucking cocaine

strippers. We've got our own... And some people get mail -order break, you know?

What? What did you just say?

I, uh... He said, uh, gotta go pan our eyes.

Give high fives? We're going to Brazil.

You have respect for Leia, alright? I love her.

And she is your new stepmom.

We love her, too.

I would respect her more if she would make me a breakfast burrito.

That's not her job.

Can she do two? Double down. Do they make burritos in the old country? I

know. Is that something they... Anything wrapped in a tortilla will work. You

lazy waste of space can't even make your own food? Do you see?

What would happen if I... Hands don't make food, Dad. Come on, they play video

games. What would you do if I wasn't here anymore?

Huh? Would you survive at all? One day?

I'm down. I sincerely... Why don't you put the goddamn fucking phone down when

I'm talking to you?

That's how we're achieving equipment now. Shut.

Shut.

Look at me.

Look at me.

I'm going to a match right now. When I come back, I want to see two resumes.

What? Where? did you get this from?

Backup phone. You always have two.

Jesus fucking Christ. What am I fucking paying for you guys for?

Two phones.

Awesome. And by the way, I only paid for one tattoo.

What is this? Your whole body is covered. What do you need?

Who's that? Can you not count? It's one tattoo.

It is. It's all connected. Where did it start? Where did it end? We crowdfunded

it. So, you know, our friend helped us.

All right, resume. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Listen

to me.

Is there any more phones?

Anything else? You got a tablet down there or something? No. All right. We're

good. I'm going to take these.

All right.

When I come back, I want to see two work resumes here. Not a resume from playing

video games or starting a band or dating a porn star or anything. I want to see

two work resumes here. You understand?

Got it. Things are going to change around here.

You understand?

Things are going to change.

Oh, my God.

But we're grows of Indians, so let's take a shit on the counter. Want to go

that game? I do. The new DLP just came out, so we have to come up with a new

map. Fuck this shit.

Oh, I feel like shit.

All right, I haven't got any other choices. I don't have to do this.

Boys, get in here!

It was the nicest I've seen you dressed since your mother's funeral.

All right, shut it.

All right, boys, I just got an email from my accountant.

This is going to stop now, okay?

Stop? Like what, wearing these sweet -ass outfits?

You go to church, you know.

You do. It's Sunday.

It's not Sunday.

We have, no, see, because we're dressed up because we have our job resumes

today. We have our job resumes today. Oh!

Our fucking resumes.

It can't be Sunday because... There's no way that you came from my loins.

If your mama was still here, I'd slap her.

Dang it. He's talking about hitting our dead mother. You told us about your job

resumes. All right, shut it.

This is John Horvathos.

Yeah.

I'm your father. You listen to me.

Alright?

Now, I warned you about this.

This was the last straw.

You maxed out all of your credit cards.

I didn't think you could max out a no limit.

But we figured it out. Yeah.

Oh,

you're mad. Wait, what?

Okay,

so... Boys, I've got a reality check for you.

Starting this Friday.

Where do I start? I hope you guys got a job this week. Because you're going to

need to pay your own rent.

As of Friday, you're moving out.

Rent? That's a musical.

Leia and I would like to enjoy ourselves.

And we need to have room to have this house to ourselves.

This is my home.

You too.

No longer live here.

What? Hand over your credit cards.

No, he's like, he's fucking with us. Is there... I'm getting pumped right now.

Where's the camera?

Action. That's funny.

Hand over your credit card.

You're serious?

This is real? Why would we... Yeah. I mean, hey, that'd be fucking great.

Ooh, take my back. I don't have mine.

It's in my other pants job.

Give me the credit card.

Give me the credit card. I know when you're lying.

Friday, you move out. You understand?

You get a job and you're going to thank me for this later.

Trust me.

I'm serious.

This Friday, you move out.

Alright?

Mr. Pond, the interior decorator is coming in and he's redoing your rooms.

I don't know if I'm going to get rid of that 90s shit. Yeah, they're kind of

old.

No, they're not your robes anymore.

Oh, and by the way, I need the car keys.

What?

I need the car keys. What, are you stupid?

Are you being serious right now? Do you not hear me?

Our car keys? Jesus. No, no, no, no, no. Click.

I pay the bills.

I pay the note on the car.

It's my car.

Give me the key.

Uh, all the settings in the cars are for when we sit in the seat. Well, I'll get

them changed at the dealership.

Wow.

So what, we're supposed to just get, like, a four -bedroom apartment in

City for a month? A four -bedroom apartment? Do you have anything about

about how much things cost at all? Fine, we'll get a one -bedroom in Malibu, but

what...

How are we... Why would you do that, Doug? Where's the main good of sleep?

listen, by the way, you need to go on Twitter and tell all your little friends

that there's no party here this weekend, okay? Mom would have never allowed

this! Oh, you... You know what?

You know what?

I told you that this wasn't going to happen.

He wore salmon for you, Cali. He wore a salmon shirt, you old bastard.

Doug, what are you going to do?

Friday. Both of you, out!

Honey, what's all this yelling about?

Are you okay?

I told the boys that they have... I don't know what

you're saying, but you're so goddamn sexy.

So what happened? What was all that yelling about?

Remember I told you last night I was going to have a talk with the boy?

I told them they've got to move out Friday.

They're killing me here.

Oh, my God. They need to be on their own. They're adults.

Please, please, just let me talk with them first, okay?

You talk to them?

Come on, I've got a bond with these kids already. I'm their mother after all,

aren't I?

Yes, you are.

Ann, come on now. I have a way with men.

You certainly do.

Look, I've got a meeting right now.

So I'm going to head over to the office, and I'll be home. We go out to dinner

tonight.

Sure. Where do you want to go?

You have a good day.

Whatever you want is great. You have a good day, and I'm going to straighten

of this out. All right.

I'm going to do whatever it takes, honey. We're going to be a big happy

Yeah.

Whatever.

It's going to be okay, Mom.

You know what?

I really hate this new wife of dad's too.

And I hate when a maid lets you get all dusty like this.

No place for a woman as lovely as you to be all covered in dust.

You know, if I had a knack for cleaning, I'd add dust to myself, but these hands

aren't meant for scrubbing.

I heard all that yelling.

Is everything okay?

Everything's fine.

Yeah. Everything's fine.

It's totally fine.

It's not nice to fight with your father like this.

Yeah.

He started it when you heard it.

He's a nice man.

To who?

He hasn't been nice since the 80s.

In my country, there is a saying.

And I want this for this family.

Lady, what did you just say?

Look, I don't know what country they ordered you from or whatever. I don't

how they do those things there, but... No, we're here, so...

Your family might do everything it needs to stay together.

Yeah, great.

Uh, brother bae, I, as hey,

a lamb pay.

Oh, shit.

Hmm.

Allo fae, I may ead lay.

Like...

My English is not very good.

I didn't understand anything you said. No, that's... That's okay.

Listen, you know, we... We've kind of got off on the wrong foot with all this.

We've been... We haven't been the nicest to you. Am I right? I mean... We're

just... There's a... Tell her about the thing.

There's something we have to do, I feel like, which will bring us closer

together. Yeah, it's...

Really, I don't know how they do things where, you know, you're whatever lovely

country you're from, right? But, um, you know, in America, you know, when you

come into a family with sons, you know, of a guy like that, I mean, there's a

tradition that we have and it kind of just makes us fall more.

Oh, I love tradition.

Good.

So, tell me, it's like a hot dog on baseball game?

No. Yeah.

It's similar -ish. Yeah.

Listen, here's how it works. We love our dad so much. He's our favorite

person. He loves you too.

Yeah, that's good.

We want to love you like we love our dad. Thank you. There's only really

one way in the family to do it. Yeah, and see, with our tradition, you know,

it's kind of like, you know how in medieval times, you know, they'd have a

person test the wine first, you know, to make sure it was good enough for the

king. You know what I'm saying?

You know what that is? Like quality control.

I, um, I'm not sure I understand.

Okay, you want to... Basically, in order for us to be whole... Yes.

uh, tradition is, uh, after you marry into the family, you have to, um, I

know how to say this, um, you have to sleep with all the sons.

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's not. I don't think this is, this is

big thing.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, I think our family got to be on the, on top. You

know what I'm saying? We keep it in the family. True.

And, you know, we want to make sure dad's getting everything that he wants

desires. You can show us. Like, surely.

He's in good hands. It's for him and the family. Really it is. It's for the

family. And you boys are here.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

So, you know, just for the sake of the family.

Yeah.

Show us what you... I never heard of those traditions. I mean, you said you

traditions. You said it. Do you or do you not love traditions?

You Americans have very weird customs.

Yes, but you want to be a part of this, right?

So, are you sure this is going to bring you and your father closer together?

Yes, yes, yes.

Very much so.

Well, it would be wrong if I didn't do my part. It would be a true travesty. We

want a proper household here.

It's weird.

It'll feel more comfortable in a little bit.

That feeling will go away soon.

What is the name of the tradition again?

It's the family christening house.

Family. Family christening house of love.

That's what it is.

Because back to the old days. Have you heard about that before?

Yeah, you've heard of it. I know you've heard of it. Yeah, everybody's heard of

it.

And you want to be a part of the family, right?

Yes, I do.

And you want to take part in the tradition?

Yes, I do.

Kiss my brother.

We have to play with our clock?

Is that wrong for your stepmom?

That's what makes it right. Put a hand on each one.

There you go.

Yeah. Let it speak to you in its own way.

You boys are nothing like your father.

Is that a good thing?

Isn't it great? Yeah.

Oh, you're smiling? She's smiling. See, she's smiling.

Oh, yeah.

That's the tradition.

That's it.

So, what else comes after this?

Well, next, you want to put down your knees here.

It's a crucial, it's a crucial step. My mouth?

Mm -hmm.

You've never put one in your mouth?

Oh, it's a hell of a thing.

Right there, all the way in your mouth. That's the family tradition right there.

Nice and deep like that. We like that.

She's getting the hang of it, brother. I believe so.

Are you boys happy? We like a lot of spit. A lot of spit.

Yeah.

There you go.

This

is

all for mom, right?

All for mom.

Okay. What do we have here, Mom? Yes, yes, yes.

You're going to be a new one.

Yes, Mom.

Oh, God, yes.

Let me see your eyes when you do that.

Keep stroking my cock, Mom.

Yeah.

There we go. There you go. Yeah.

Oh, yes.

You're doing good.

You're so

nice.

He's so big.

Oh, yes.

My dad's going to be so

happy you did this. So happy.

You think so?

He's going to marry you all over again.

Take her to phase two, brother. I believe we should.

Keep sucking his cup like that.

Bring it up to me.

This is part of it.

You have to enjoy you too, you know. You get to explore every part of you.

There we go.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Take your hand out and just fuck your mouth.

Just fuck your fucking mouth.

Yes.

Are you having fun?

Are you having fun? Yes.

Yes. Now we're in the fucking family.

That's incredible.

Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Tell my brother thank you.

Thank you. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

There we go.

Bend over. Let my brother have his way with you.

Yeah. There you go.

Yeah, talk to us in that language.

I don't even know what it is, but I fucking love it.

Fuck yourself. We are fucking nice.

I'd say she's loving the tradition now.

With tradition, we need to explore all the holes.

I'm ready for some anal.

What?

Are you sure that's American?

This is as American as it gets.

Look back at him.

There you go.

Yeah,

right.

Show me how deep you can go.

Suck him back.

Oh, fuck.

You want to try something else? Maybe she should come

clean off my dick.

Oh, fuck.

You're looking like a cuckoo.

Yeah.

Yes. Oh, shit.

Yeah.

So nice. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Back in your mouth.

That's how you teach Dad, huh? Yeah. You're fucking with us. You can't fuck

the brothers.

Teach Dad? What do you guys mean?

Nothing, nothing. It's just part of the...

Spit all over it. Spit all over it.

Yeah, you can swallow it.

Oh, that's so nice.

You know what I think it's time for?

Yeah? I think it's time. I think she's ready.

Yeah? Yeah.

We have to explore all your holes, so that means we're going to fill both of

them. At the same time, get up here. At the same time?

At the same time.

You've been doing so good so far.

There's one.

So good.

She's ready for it.

How are you doing, brother?

God.

I think it's time for medicine

My dad's such a happy wife.

I'm so happy to be with you.

Yes.

Oh, girl.

Want the other part of the sufficient?

Oh, yeah.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Dude,

should we take a selfie?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, here, let me see.

Wait, no, no, dude, we should just put the timer.

Oh, that'll be a whole bit better.

Yeah, this might be fine.

So addicted!