Original subtitles

You're ready to murder.

God damn it.

Stress wrenching, huh?

I figured you was over here wrenching because of your fine ass sister.

Which I get.

But now that I see your sorry -ass face, it ain't all grief.

You looking guilty as a motherfucker.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Right. I did something behind Quiet's back.

So? So.

I don't know what I'm gonna do about it, man. I never lied to her before. Hold

up.

You say you never lied to your girl before?

Huh.

Hey, what you doing, man?

Just checking to see if your bitch -ass got any nuts down there.

You gonna get your answer when I smoke your rusty ass.

You make a run at me, I will end you.

Coroner gonna list your cause of death as everything.

Feel me?

Bye.

Hey, good morning, quiet.

Sorry, I flipped in.

Forgot how good a pillow feels.

Is that our gun?

Don't worry about it. Get another one.

Roadkill was begging for some upgrades, so I figured I'd just jump on it.

You're in a very good mood.

It's weird.

I'm just excited to get out there and show these losers what Kwan can do.

It's quiet in John.

No, I will not be participating in Kwan.

That's fine. Kwan's in the rear view. Fuck Kwan!

Roadkill is ready to go.

The last thing we need to figure out is Boomerang Blast.

Now, do we mount it?

Do we keep it in the bag for emergencies?

The bag.

It's going to be very hard to kill someone with a gun that heavy.

I'll have you know I've killed tons of people with a gun just like this.

Dozens of dudes. I'm a freaking murder slut.

So should we? No, no.

She's not our responsibility. We just have to focus on the mission.

Right. The mission.

Damn, there are some tight buttholes in here.

Maybe they'll be killing each other soon.

You're outsiders, so what else is new?

Hey, Stretch Armstrong.

What's your sticky little wishy? Bitch ain't telling you shit.

What if it's birthday cake rules?

If I say my wish, it won't come true.

We wish for the same thing as all parents.

For a child to grow up happy, loved, and wanting for nothing.

Nothing except the end of this world and the rise of a new reality formed from

his image.

How about you?

Let me get a complexion.

I wish to feel warm again.

Well, you might if you stop lugging around those massive fucking igloos.

shit. You guys talking about wishes?

Overrated. I don't even want one. You know why? Because I'm living the fucking

dream. I told my bestie over here, I was like, I don't want the pressure.

You make the wish.

I don't want to be on the hook for it.

That's what I wish for. I wish to exterminate humanity.

Let somebody else take over for one. Now you see the shit I got to put up with.

This freak got me smelling like Ray Cologne.

I wished for the ability to fly. Pretty sick, right? I was going to wish for a

Gertie Benninger.

But you know, I've never had any complaints.

I find that hard to believe.

So what's your wish for then?

Oh, yes.

I'm dying to know.

To bring down the city walls.

Which walls?

Of which cities?

All of them.

When we win, all the walls will come down.

Damn.

Making us all look bad over here. We just think insiders and outsiders should

finally be on an even playing field.

Yeah. It's time for the outsiders to get their fair share.

I knew you two were stupid, but I didn't realize you were naive.

It'd be cute if it weren't so sad.

It's not naive to fight for a better world. Oh, listen to yourself.

Do you think you're some kind of superhero?

Not with that greasy hair. Okay, I think you look great.

And that's not objectifying, I'm just supporting.

People need walls.

It simplifies things.

You're either one or the other, inside or out.

Look, all of your wishes are fucking stupid, okay? Me, I'm gonna be

Oh, little baby wants to be invincible?

Hey, hey, why don't you wish for a diaper so you don't shit yourself in

one? Hey, uh, we got plenty of diapers if you need them.

Welcome to the much -anticipated first round of the Twisted Metal Tournament.

Twelve cards will enter my labyrinth. But alas, there are only eight exit

hidden throughout.

Be sure to snag them, because if you attempt to leave the area without it,

you'll be killed instantly.

This is warehouse district warfare.

You'll know where a path is hidden. By the pillars of red smoke.

All except for you, Johnny Quiet.

You two finished last in my qualifier.

So, I decided to spice things up a bit and give you two a small advantage for

today's bloody festivities.

This is a radar.

displaying the precise location of all eight passes.

Cheaters! And that's not all. You'll also be getting a one -minute head

This is bullshit!

Do you have a problem with the way I'm running my game, Raven?

I hope you and your vehicles are ready, my drivers, because it's time for the

tournament to begin!

A compass? One of those arrow things?

Yo, maybe it's a line that shows you what road to drive down. That'll be

Whatever it is, I don't think it's worth the target he put on our backs.

Come on, giving us an advantage is like giving a lion a submachine gun.

We're going to crush this round. And the next round, we're going to destroy.

And the round after that, better kiss it sorry as goodbye.

OK. Well, let's just focus on this round first.

OK.

I thought she should come with us.

Termite is on the mission.

She won't want to be here.

Here we go.

Roadkill, your one minute begins now.

Turn this shit up.

Okay. Looks like the closest pass.

Turn right here.

Got it.

Two turns.

Got it.

John!

John,

you good? Yeah, I have a great idea.

How about you drive and I do the map thing?

But I drove left. I know, but this is really important and I really love maps.

All right.

Ow! Jesus! Ow! Oh, fuck! What the fuck, John?

My bad.

I can't blow the tent, sir.

Stand down, Stu.

Okay, because we're running out of this stuff. Now, this isn't about

conservation. Yesterday, I really lost my cool. But you've inspired me to not

hold grudges.

So, you don't hate Grimm anymore?

Oh, no. I want to rip out his spine.

But that does nothing for my legacy.

History remembers the winner, Stubert.

And much like the one -eyed Admiral Horatio Nelson, I got my eye on the

Yeah, we could all live our lives a little more like Horatio Nelson.

Make a left, I think.

Oh, shit! You should have went right!

Jesus, John! We have the advantage! Get it together!

I'm sorry, there's so many triangles!

What was that?

Our minute's up.

There goes our hit start.

Who cares? Let's just get the pack and get out of here. Relax.

Look, even with the radar, it took us a while to find this place, so it's going

to take the others just to look.

Four of us going after one hot ticket?

Reminds me of the blowbang where I met Benjamin.

My jaw still clicks.

Well, looks like we're having a party. And what's a party without a clown?

Two clowns.

Keep your hands off the hand, you weirdo.

It's mine.

Lie,

my little penguin!

Stop him, creature!

I got it. Go, go, go, go, go.

Hands off, bitch.

I took this.

Come on, stupid.

Let's get out of here.

My bad. I messed up.

Nope. I'm not going to dwell on this.

Just show a few passes left.

What the hell is this ice made of?

Yeah. And I'm gonna take it.

I'd like to see you try.

You know, I'm not afraid to hit a girl. Good.

Because I'm not afraid to smash a pussy.

You done yet?

No. Just needed a hand.

Wait!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I fucking killed him.

secured to remain.

What the hell happened to you?

It turns out vermin can really fight. I can't believe the creepy crawler lady

got the path.

Shit, it was in my hand.

What the fuck is going on today?

It's my fault. I'm tilting.

What the hell is tilting? You make a few mistakes, then you get in your head.

No more superstitious bullshit. We're a team, right? So we fix this.

You're right. Hey, there are two more passes. One's a few blocks away.

All right, I'm taking the shortcut.

Oh, boy!

Now your superstitious bullshit's rubbing off on me.

Welcome back, Chuckie Fluke. Holy shit, who said that?

New driver detected.

Would you like me to create a new profile?

Fuck! Fine!

Start a new profile! Go!

Acknowledged. New primary driver accepted.

Please state your name. Fucking mayhem! Just come on!

Welcome aboard, fucking mayhem.

makes you extra sweaty.

Finish heating AC.

Ah, thanks!

Okay, you can turn off!

Turn off! Turn the fuck off!

Acknowledged.

Alright,

you got a name? My current designation, Finn, is number four. B is in boy, one.

Q is in quattro. Yeah, quattro's fine. You gotta move faster.

Designation updated.

Quattro.

Exterior damage sustained. Shall I initiate autonomous navigation?

No, I don't need your help. I just need to get out of here.

Shall I initiate autonomous navigation?

Fine! If you think you're so good at driving, just do it!

Ignore it.

Oh, hell yeah.

Call these losers.

Wait, this is the end?

How'd you do that?

Maps.

Check it out, Stu. We're about to win, and I didn't think about Grim even once.

Not even his dinky little bike. Still hear it buzzing in my head.

Thanks for the lift, Marcus.

Son of a bitch.

That's not in the spirit of competition.

I'm going to file a complaint.

God damn it.

That son of a bitch didn't get in our way. We would have come in first.

They, um... No, Stu.

No words.

Not trying to add any pressure, but FYI, there's one pass left.

This is our last shot.

Beat it. Do it.

It's almost time for Preacher's Baba.

And no one fucks with Baba time.

Get in that goddamn pack.

Cover me.

You look bad.

It's been a shit day. Give me that pad.

Shit.

I really should have tested this shit before now.

My milking titty. No, it got on my hand.

Where the hell did it go?

Preacher, we could really use your guidance right now.

Kill them.

He is risen!

Kill them in your name, Preacher!

Our father born to baby, hallowed be thy dick.

Huh.

Boomerang black.

Did you see the pack?

I hope we didn't blow it up.

Just take it. It's a baby. I'm trying.

It's fucking strong.

Fuck you, preacher.

backdoor visitors.

Seal her up.

Are you sure you don't want me to do it? I have thumbs.

And hands.

Harold's got it. Stu, I've been thinking.

You know everything I said before.

Forget it all.

Grudges are back on the menu. So are blood feuds and vendettas.

When it comes to killing, I just gotta leave with my heart.

You know?

Yeah.

Oh, shit. Harold dropped a torch. Don't pick it on his eye.

know how to drive i hope that we can well you know if you're down team up

in the next round saving fucking mayhem presets fucking mayhem presets safe

hey quattro could i uh could i maybe ask

for your advice interface battery at 10 entering sleep mode yeah okay yeah

Thanks for saving my ass out there, Quadro.

Acknowledged.

Is there a lost and found for human children?

I'll take the baby.

What?

The child will be safe with me.

Unless you would prefer to care for him.

No, no, you have more spray footage.

Oh, look at you. You're one for nothing with Daddy Calypso.

Congratulations on surviving the first round.

Enjoy the moment.

Things only get harder from here.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got this little animal to de -louse.

So, you guys didn't die. Good job.

Thanks, you too.

Guess I'll go clean up.

You good?

You seem... different.

I'm good.

Um... I just... Well, I killed someone

today.

Oh.

Was it your first?

Oh, I just assumed you had... Oh, a big body count?

No. I mean, I've done, like, you know, hand stuff, like stabbing and shit, but,

uh, never went all the way until today.

Wow, okay, um, uh, tell me everything. Um, who was it?

Don't laugh.

Chucky Floop.

And it was...

Kind of whatever.

Mm -hmm. I'm not laughing.

I guess I just thought that my first kill would be... I don't know.

With someone special?

Ugh, no. It's better this way. For your first, you want to kill someone you

barely care about and then never think about them again. You know?

Get out of the way.

How old were you when you had your first kill?

Well, I was a late bloomer.

There was this...

the blueberry picker in the OC that just kept hassling me, so I got him with my

hatchet. Although, he didn't die right away, so I'm not sure it officially

counts. It was just the tip.

How's the kid?

Uh, fine.

John, come.

We can't afford another day like this.

This is life and death.

It was just a bad day. I mean, shit happens.

Not like today.

I've never seen you like this.

Maybe the stress of the round got to me.

Like you said, it is life or death.

But you were fine in the qualifier with missiles falling from the sky.

So what changed?

Is it us?

Me? No.

It's me.

All me.

I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

For today.

For screwing up the radar. For being so clumsy on the smoothest fucking ice in

the world.

For coming with you and all.

I lied to you, Quiet.

I made my own wish.