Original subtitles

flash cars, and vajazzling.

But while the tans you see might be fake,

the people are all real, although some of what they do

has been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way is Essex".

- Something's happened between you and Mark.

- I'm not saying.

- Do you think they've slept with each other?

- No.

- Someone's going to get hurt and it's gonna be Lucy.

[car whooshes by]

- Thank you for tonight.

- She's had a lot of work.

Is she not like a bloke turned into a girl?

[laughs]

- No I'm actually trained in vajazzling.

- [Sam] She's professional.

- I can't walk out a loser.

- You've got to just win Mark,

I knew you was gonna win anyway.

- I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win.

[punches]

- May the best man win, Mark?

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[heavy breathing]

- Come on two more.

Quicker.

28, 29, 30, come on Mark, quicker mate.

24, come on quicker mate.

Come on, Mark. Nice and quick.

There you go.

[laughs]

You bastard.

Fuck off.

So how you feeling about the fight,

are you nervous or what?

- A little bit.

- I tell you what, mate

the nerves are getting to me

about the master of ceremonies.

- How can you be nervous?

- I've gotta stand there...

- You're fucking standing there

on a mic singing "Fly Me to the Moon"

and introducing Mark Wright to the ring,

when I've got to go down there

and have a fight in front of a thousand people.

- Yeah, I've gotta speak to everyone

in front of a thousand people,

and god knows how many people...

why are you stopping?

- Oh I'm blowing.

- [Ben] All right, Candy.

- Hi honey.

- What you doing?

- I'm putting up the amazing vajazzle party posters.

- What the fuck is a vajazzle party, tell me?

- Come on, you remember.

The little stickers on the sexy bit of your peepee area.

- Have you got one have ya?

- No I haven't got one.

I'm waiting for you to--

- You've got to practise what you preach though,

aint yah, do you know what I mean?

- Hello.

- Hello mate you all right?

- How you doing, you good mate, I'm...

- How you doing?

- God you're getting bigger every day aint ya.

- You're only half the size.

- Oh no, oh no,

I'm getting there aint I?

- You heard all about this vajazzle party?

- Yeah, you coming?

- I'm not coming, no.

I'm relaxing for your fight, aint I?

What's up with you then, you're not going?

- I'm going to have to come in here

just to have a little walk around

but I'll have an early night, I will.

- If you want to win this fight

you've got to relax, you can't be partying,

you can't be drinking, you can't be banging,

you can't be doing nothing, mate.

You don't want to get ironed out by this mug

do you know what I mean? - Oh you know what--

- You need to go there

and you need show him who's the real governor

in the club business.

- Yeah.

- I hope he bashes Kirk's face straight out.

- I don't know who's...oh Amy.

- Team Mark, shall we have team Mark T-shirts?

- No. - No.

- The last few weeks he's,

every time I've seen him

he just looks so miserable don't he.

- Miserable and moody, don't he.

- Usually he's like...

- Like yesterday he was moping like talking to me.

- But I'm not being horrible.

- I just want to push him over.

- Yeah I know, it's just like wake up.

- I know. Hello.

- Hello.

I think the whole thing is

that Lucy being quite naive about the whole situation.

- She's really naive.

- I think she needs to understand

that Mark's always gonna

like have something there for Lauren.

- But do you think then Lauren and Mark still talk?

Well obviously, I think they still talk.

- Oh yeah, definitely.

But do I think they still sleep together?

- What do you think?

- Oh god knows, I wouldn't know.

- You'll never know will you.

[knock on the door]

Ooh, do you know what,

that's Nanny Pat.

- Is it?

- Yep.

[rock music]

- The only person who can lose this fight is you.

- By thinking it.

- Yeah, he can't beat ya,

its all in the eyes,

it's just stare at him,

stare right through him.

- Intimidation.

- So right into his eyes.

All the way, don't take your eyes off him.

[grunts]

Yeah, I mean that'll knock the wind out of someone, even me.

[grunts]

[punches]

[rock music]

You definitely feel strong.

You've got a solid punch.

Just make sure that you fire it at the right time,

don't waste it.

Do it quicker.

He's a bit of a pretty boy this guy, you know.

He aint gonna wanna

get mashed up, you know.

- Yeah. I feel like I am gonna win.

At first to be honest I was having doubts

and I was like, no I aint, but I do.

[punches]

- Straight.

I promise yah for someone your size you can bang.

- Yeah.

- I promise you.

- Yeah, the girls have said that, no I'm joking.

- No, you can punch bang, yeah.

You've got to put--

- Hi Kirk.

- That's stamina for you.

- All right.

- How's it going?

- Yeah good, how you doing?

I'm half naked. - All right.

We've got something to show you though.

- What?

- Team. - Oh no!

Oh, go team Kirk.

- [Maria] Do you like them?

- We've got banners and all sorts.

- Have ya? - Yeah.

- Do you think I'm gonna win?

- [Maria And Popey] Yeah.

- Don't you think?

- What do you think?

- If he does what I've told him to do

he'll win the fight.

We've got a few little tricks up our sleeve.

- Have you got some secrets?

- We've got, I've shown him,

we've got a few little tricks

that Mark's not going to be expecting.

- What's your secret?

- I've got magic dust in my glove, magic dust in there.

- Horse shoes.

- Yeah, throw it at him.

- You've got to do it, seriously.

- Its gonna kill him if you win.

- I'm gonna kill him.

Yeah team Kirk, I love it.

- Ayy.

- What kind of look you going for?

Natural look, do you want a like, a Jordan look?

- No, natural look.

- [Amy] Cheryl Cole.

- [Sam] [laughs] Jordan look?

[laughs]

I like the natural look as well Nanny Pat.

- Yeah.

- No she doesn't.

- I'm only joking.

You're doing the Amy pout now.

So what are you hoping to look like after this?

- Well something like when I'm eighteen.

[laughs]

- Nanny Pat, new woman.

- There are. Thank you very much.

- It looks lovely.

If you don't like it tell her.

- Yeah.

Oh that's nice.

- Nice and natural.

- Yeah, that's lovely that is.

I wish I'd have had my hair done now.

- So I'm going on a date tonight.

- Oh well good for you.

- Yeah.

- She's found herself a new man.

- Yeah he's lovely, he's very good looking,

he's a model and he's a footballer, as well.

- Oh that's good, isn't it yeah?

- Yeah so--

- And who does he play for?

- Oh some-- - We don't know, do we.

- Some rubbish team probably.

- [laughs] Ohh.

- All done. All packed up.

- Are you all right, got everything?

- Yeah.

- Is the stapler in there?

- Yeah.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- I've got something to tell you...

- Mmm.

- I'm leaving.

- Right.

- But, I'm going to be going to Dubai.

- No way.

- I'm gonna offer you an opportunity.

- Okay.

- Which would mean you coming with me to Dubai

to start this business.

- Oh my god.

- I will need a decision in,

quite quickly.

- Right.

- What about?

- Mark.

- Mmm, do you think he'll be able to do anything

to keep you here?

- I don't know.

- So babe, what do you think?

- Too dressy.

- It's too Jordan.

What about honey?

- Yeah, see that's more Victoria Beckham.

- This is stunning.

I'm going to wear my Christian Louboutin shoes.

- Yeah.

- This is quite fitted, posh shoes.

- Nice length. - Nice length

a bit of cleavage showing.

- That's like nice and smart.

- Sophisticated.

- Sophisticated, sexy.

- Yeah, elegant.

- So what about what not to do tonight then?

- What not to do?

Burp at the table.

- Don't talk about Kirk.

- Don't talk about Kirk.

- Make sure you don't get food in your teeth.

- Aah, imagine that?

- That would be so embarrassing.

- A big bit of like sweet corn in your tooth.

- Sweet corn, like when you get those black bits in between.

[Sam and Amy laugh]

And things to do.

Like I think,

like soft giggling and joking.

- Yeah, like loads of flirting.

- Flirting.

- Like, oh shut up.

- Yeah.

[pop music]

- Next one through for your vajazzle.

Hiya, next one through for your vajazzle.

- Thank you.

- You look nice though.

- Thanks, so do you.

- Do I?

Oh I feel like I've been rushing round all day.

- Why.

- I aint done me hair properly or anything.

- What's happening Kirk?

- [ Kirk] How you doing bro, you all right?

- All right Kirk. - Are you good Lauren?

- Hi Mark. - How you doing Luc?

Lauren, Lucy, Lucy, Lauren.

- Nice to meet you, Lauren. - Nice to meet you.

- How you doing?

- Good man. Been, actually to be honest,

I've been training now.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I've been training,

but I've only a couple of days you know, but--

- How are you feeling?

- You know what?

I've had a good trainer

and I am feeling confident now.

- Drinking tonight or are you on the waters?

- Oh no water tonight, on a straight one.

- Are you sure?

I was going to get you a double JD or something.

- No mate I can't' be doing it, you know.

But... no literally I am,

I think you have got to go at it confident,

I've never seen you fight

so whatever goes on goes on

but its going to be a good one to see.

- What do you reckon Lauren, who's going to win?

- I've seen you fight before.

Did you win that fight before?

- Yeah you know I won, you was cheering.

[group laughs]

- No Mark.

- Anyway, I suppose we'll talk Sunday.

- Yeah, definitely, well no talking.

- No, we'll talk after, when I'm saying sorry.

- If you've got time anyway

I'll show you round the club in a minute, if you want.

- Oh good man, all right see ya.

- Nice to meet you, see you later.

- All right bye.

- She's nice.

- Yeah she is actually

but I'm feeling even more confident now.

- More confident or less confident?

- More.

- Really?

- Yeah, well I was sizing him up

and I actually think I can--

- You'll win.

- Yeah if I lose--

- Don't embarrass me and lose.

- Is that, is...ohh.

- [Amy] What's your best chat up line?

- My best chat up line?

I don't know,

if I go over to see someone

and just tell them how nice they look I suppose.

- Is that it?

- I'm not into lines and reading out of a joke book.

- Me and you are going to fall out.

- You look really happy.

Do you want me to give you a chat up line?

- Yeah come on, right now.

- What would you like me to say to you?

You want me to come up to you and--?

- No, you just what you say normally.

- I'd just be like, how you doing?

You look amazing, can I take your number?

Are you seeing anyone?

I'm not really into the spiel of,

get your coat, you've pulled.

I just think that's really cheesy.

- That is a good chat up line.

- So what's your hobbies then?

Tell me about your hobbies, do you do any sports or--

- Hobbies are anything.

- What.

- I used to play table tennis.

I used to be an Essex champion.

- You used to be Essex champion?

Are you any good at table tennis?

- You can laugh at me, but I was really good.

I was second in Essex when I was, yeah 14.

- 14?

- Yeah and then when I was 15 that's when I did,

like started to discover guys and--

- You got this distracted - makeup.

- Is that what it was?

- Big time, I got distracted.

I'm a bit of geek really.

- Yeah?

- You look at me and you're thinking,

you're probably like Essex girl,

but I'm not, I like played the clarinet.

I was in the netball team.

- We're all big on sports in our family.

- Really? - Golf, football, tennis.

- Golf, I used to be a professional caddy.

- You used to be?

[chuckles] You used to be a professional caddy.

- No I'm not making it up.

- Do you know all tips and advice and stuff?

- No, no, I used to just stand there and look good,

like really, like do my hair and make up

and try and put the other golfers off,

but that got sometimes--

- That didn't work.

- My golf uniform was all pink.

- Did you even carry the bag?

- No. Hello, drive it.

- You used to drive a buggy.

- Do you see me holding the bag?

- I don't know,

I couldn't see you being a professional golf caddy.

- He's a bit confident, Kirk ain't he?

- He is a bit. I did think that.

- I'm gonna beat him though, definitely.

- [Lauren] Hello you all right?

All right.

[kisses]

- You know Lucy don't ya?

- [ Girls] Hi.

- You been all right?

- Yeah, good. You?

- Yeah, how's the boxing going?

- Yeah it's going all right.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Busy?

- Yeah, just seen Kirk he's getting a bit lairy.

- Oh, I can imagine.

- So, you girls been vajazzled or what?

- I have.

- You have?

- Do you want to see it?

- No.

- Joking. Are you nervous?

- No, obviously I'm a little bit nervous

but I'm confident inside.

- Oh god, I'm nervous for you.

I don't want to see you get hurt obviously,

I'm really nervous as well,

but I'll be supporting you both, of course.

- Cool.

All right, well if I don't see you tonight

I'll see you Sunday I suppose.

- Okay. See you later. - I'll see you later.

- See you later. - Bye.

- That was all right.

At least we've got the position of talking terms,

which we wanted so-- - Yeah.

It's all right, so long as it's kept civil like that.

- So, Jay? - Yes?

- I've got to ask you a big favour.

- A big favour?

- You can say no.

- Already, on the second date

you're going to ask me a favour?

- Are you gonna listen to me?

- Of course, I'm listening to you.

- Right. - Come on.

- I've got to ask you a big favour.

It's only because we've got the boxing thing coming up

- Yes. Okay.

- Mark and Kirk are fighting.

I need someone to come with me.

Can you come with me?

- You want me to come with you on Sunday?

- Everyone will be jealous

that I've got a good looking guy with me.

- So you want to use me just to get at other boys?

- Did I say that?

- I'm just asking you.

- I would never do that.

I'm not shallow.

- And that's it.

- You can say no.

- Course I'll come with you on Sunday,

yeah it'll be good.

- Why, what's with the face like?

- Well I dunno, I suppose he's your ex

so I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable.

- At the end of the day,

Kirk is my ex but that's it, we're finished now.

- Good stuff.

- I like your style, Jay.

- Hello.

- You all right. - All right.

- Yeah you. - Yeah you?

- You having fun?

- Yeah, it's all right.

- You didn't get one done did you?

- Yeah I did.

- No. - Only joking.

- Oh god, vajazzle party, who knew?

- I know. I just see Mark at the bar.

- Did you?

- Yeah, he's here with Lucy.

- What's going on now between you two because?--

- We still see each other

and we still talk and that's how it is.

- Oh, I'm glad I'm not involved.

- I know. I know.

- Are you just talking and texting?

Like, are you seeing each other?

What's going on?

- Well yeah, I have seen him a little bit.

- Right.

God.

- This is what happens, we break up,

we're never actually over,

we either end up back at mine or back at his

and it always happens.

- Oh, fucking hell.

- I know.

- I'm talking to you about the same bollocks

we've talked about for nine fucking years.

Give me a hammer.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

[dramatic music]

[alarm rings]

- Faster.

Come on we've only been running for 20 minutes.

You're slacking already.

Come on.

More Mark, more energy.

Come on keep up with me, you're useless.

[dramatic music] [chickens clucking]

Oh come on Mark,

you've got a big fight coming up, no slacking.

You can't be losing this,

its more than a fight,

it's the battle of the bars, battle verses you and Kirk.

- I aint gonna lose, you know I aint gonna lose,

why are you even saying it?

[dramatic music] [chickens clucking]

- Come on liven up, you aint losing mate.

- Don't worry son, keep shouting in my ear,

I'll punch you straight into that ditch.

[dramatic music builds]

Fuckers.

- So how's that pressure honey, is that okay?

- It's amazing.

- So honey what's happened,

I haven't seen you, I've not catched up.

- I know, I've had meetings with Adam and stuff

and I really need to make a decision.

He's given me a really, really good job offer

and I don't know whether to take it or not.

- Oh honey what is it?

- To go to Dubai.

- Oh my god.

- And work with him out there

on like fashion and events and stuff.

- Aah. Don't go honey.

- Do you not think?

- Don't leave me.

Who's gonna do your massage, no I'm joking.

- I know.

- Also you've got to think what you're gonna do

What would Mark say, Lauren?

He would break his heart.

- He'd probably be really, really shocked I think

and it's like it's just--

- So Lauren, between me and you,

have you still been seeing him?

You can tell me.

- Well, what do you think?

I can't really say, but yeah like I have.

- So girls, hey my little pretty ladies.

Here we are back stage at the 5.19 show,

not very glamorous but what you do have

is each other and that is glamorous.

You look gorgeous, girls.

- Thank you.

- Absolutely gorgeous, new outfits as well.

Obviously, the pressures on now, this is it.

We've done everything we can.

It's entirely up to you to pull it off now,

which I know you will.

- Just go out there and enjoy yourselves.

Have fun because that's what it's all about today.

Good luck girls.

- [Girls] Thank you.

- [Julian] Good luck ladies.

You're going to be fabulous.

- Amy?

- Yeah.

- Come here look, I'm looking at bags.

- Oh, lovely.

- Which one?

- Oh they're beautiful.

What one do I like?

- Its for Ted, it's for the dog.

- So how can Ted carry that he's only tiny

and he's got no shoulders.

- No Ted, Ted's not holding it, Ted's going in it.

- No I think Ted's gotta go for the pink one.

- But Ted's a boy.

- Ted's a boy but I think he'd stand out in that.

- [Harry] Yeah, because he's black aint he?

- Yeah

- It'll look weird if you've got a black dog

and a black bag together.

- [Sam] Aah.

[cheers and applause]

- So how do you think Marks treating Lucy then,

with the whole Lucy, Lauren thing?

- I like Mark, Sam.

I've got a lot of respect for Mark

but everyone knows what it's all about,

the only person that don't know what it's all about is Lucy.

- Is Lucy. Yeah.

- She's like, oh you know, oh whatever.

- Lucy's been naive to the whole situation

and not realising that Mark probably is still hurt

and in love with Lauren.

- I do think he still loves her.

If I see Lauren I will tell her.

- I just think Lucy's gonna get hurt, really hurt.

- I know and you should tell her that.

- I wanna ring her and say like is everything all right.

- Yeah.

- But then its weird because I'm sort of friends with Mark.

Oh, do you know what I'll speak to her.

I'll just say

I know that you might have been a bit upset recently,

I dunno what's going on with you and Mark

but do you want someone to speak to like, I'll speak to you.

- Yeah.

- How am I looking Nan?

- Very good. That's good.

- Do you think I'll beat him?

- Oh you could do, I hope so anyhow.

- Do I look fit, do I look ready?

- Yeah.

- I've been thinking of a little saying,

do you know like the old Muhammad Ali sting like a bee one?

- Oh yeah.

- I thought of "Kirk's gonna have a fight

"with the one Mark Wright,

"but he's got no chance with left hook right?"

What do you reckon?

- Yeah. That sounds all right, yeah.

- How's the old sign getting on anyway?

- All right. Yeah, not too bad, nearly finished it.

- Ah, lovely. Nan you do make me laugh girl.

- Why?

- Just the effort you go through for your grandkids.

- I'm gonna put my boxing shorts on.

- [laughs] You can't wear your boxing shorts.

Its feels like a proper fight Nan, like a pro fight.

I mean every time I see Kirk

he's giving me a little bit of jeer

and being a bit confident

and I'm giving it back to him

and you know its all that rivalry, its gone.

The friendship's gone a little bit now

because we know we're about to have a fight.

- Right, yeah.

- He might have a little chance but I'm gonna win.

- All you've got to do is just keep moving your head

so that he don't hit you

and move around a bit more like,

you know keep well away from him.

- Yeah I will do yeah.

- So, let him get worn out first.

- With them tactics Nan I should get you in my corner.

[chuckles]

- Hello. - Hey

- You all right? - How are you?

You look lovely. - Good you?

- Have you come from work?

- Yeah.

- How is it?

- It's all right. Busy as usual.

- Thanks for coming, I just, I wanted to meet you because,

only because every time I've seen you recently

it's been at a party or we've had a drink

and I've just, we've just run past each other.

- Yeah.

- we've not been able to have a proper chat.

- No I agree.

- So how's things going then, what's happening?

- Well with me?

- You and Mark.

- Me and Mark? - Yeah.

- I just feel like I've got so many obstacles with him.

- Yeah.

- You've got Lauren on your back and its kind of,

not made a feud between you and me at all,

but it's kind of made mine and your relationship--

- It's made us feel like we can't even talk to each other

or say hello in a night club.

So how do you feel about the whole Lauren situation

with Lauren being involved all the time?

- I hate it.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I hate it, she's been horrible to me you know.

- Has she?

- She's been awful, the things she's called me.

It's the digs that she did at me at the fashion week.

And then when it came to the catwalk

everyone comes out and I'm not there.

- You're not...yeah.

I was like, I thought that was out of order.

- I've said to him a lot of times

if Lauren is what you want

then walk out of here now and go for it,

cause it doesn't bother me.

- Yeah. - I'd rather know.

- She needs to move on for you and Mark to work.

- Yeah.

- Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.

What are you laughing at?

- Go on its good.

- Right, one more.

[clears throat]

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

the night you've all been waiting for.

Why are you still laughing?

- Because it just makes me laugh.

Go on, it's a good thing.

- Do you reckon everyone's going to laugh at me

when I do it?

- No, it's a good thing, you sound good go on.

- Right you sure? Right.

If there's anything you want changed--

- Go on, just say it!

- Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

the night you've all been waiting for--

- Can I just ask something?

Last thing, are you meant to sound American?

- Why, do I sound American?

- Yeah, you proper sound American.

I don't know if that's meant to be the act,

but obviously you get American MCs and English ones.

- Well that's what I'm used to ain't it?

- Yeah, but you're English.

- Well, how do you want me to sound?

- You can't go from being American,

[imitates James] "ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls"

and then go, the first fight mate

we've got Mark Wright verses Kirk.

You can't just go into that do you know what I mean.

- All right.

This time with expression and stuff like that.

- Go on.

- Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

the night you've all been waiting for,

the juiciest boxing extravaganza.

That's how I start, yeah?

- No, that sounds good.

I like it, yeah I like it.

- Cool.

- Right, we can chill out now and watch a DVD, yeah?

- Yeah, I think so.

- So what about the rumours then?

That are apparently flying around as they do in Essex

- What you mean Julian?

- Julian yeah about, saying about Mark and Lauren.

- I just wish everyone would just back off.

I wanna see if I can trust him

and I think it's something you've got to do by yourself.

- I could sit here now and say to you

don't trust Mark if Lauren's gonna be in the picture.

I don't think that,

I think that you're gonna get hurt,

I don't want to see you to get hurt.

- Yeah, I know.

I do think it is a valid point.

I've got to see if--

- Yeah.

- Lauren's at the moment, just like creeping over us.

- Would you ever talk to Lauren?

- I don't really wanna give her that time of day because--

- Really?

- She's been so horrible to me.

- Yeah.

- And said some awful things about me.

It's like why should I give her the privilege

of having a chat about it.

The thing is I've done nothing wrong to her.

That's what annoys me. - Yeah

- Its like actually me myself, I've done nothing.

- It's not like you've gone behind both their backs

or like you're rubbing it in her face or anything like that.

- Exactly.

Because I've never stood there

and like snogged his face off in front of her

or anything like that.

- No, not at all.

- But, do you know what?

I wish Lauren would jump on a plane and go to Australia.

[laughs]

- Maybe that's what she needs an all round world ticket.

- Oh my god, I'll buy it.

- Yeah.

[Laughs]

- I'll buy it.

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Only Way is Essex"

- Personally, I think you need to just decide now,

if you're better off without him

[upbeat music]

- I'm gonna beat him up.

I'm gonna turn Mark Wright in to Mark Wrong.

[laughs]