Original subtitles

- [Narrator] This programme may contain fake boobs,

flash cars and vajazzling.

But while the tans you see might be fake,

the people are all real, although some of what

they do has been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex.

- I feel like a sticky orange.

[cork popping] [group cheering]

- You've been sacked from Lola, your bar's been burnt down.

- You've gotta promise me Lauren's 100% out of the picture.

- You've got ag from Lucy, Lauren, and Sam.

- Why don't you put me down a bit more?

[James laughing]

- You're not officially single yet.

- Do you want me to be single?

- I think you are just a bit out of order.

- You know we argue all the time, Amy.

- I've got actually nothing else to say to you.

- Can I have a kiss? - No.

- Oh nice.

- I do love you Lyd.

- I love you too.

- [Woman] Is there anything you'd like to ask me?

- When will I get married?

And when will I meet this footballer?

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is us

♪ Baby

♪ You and me now

[upbeat music]

- Imagine you're doing a squat like this.

- Right yeah.

Solid mate!

- That's it, that's it.

You got a fighting name?

'Cause I mean you know when I fight I'm Big Ben Smith,

what are you going to be called?

Crafty Kirk or something?

- I dunno, a lot of people go, "oi, tosser".

- I expect people called you a few things

over the years ain't they.

- Do you know what I mean?

Like oi, I'm like all right mate, fuck off,

do you know what I mean?

- Yeah exactly.

- So I dunno, I think, ah.

- See watch that one there.

- Tell you what as well, you know we've had that talk about

me and Amy all the time

gone and got the tattoo and that.

- Yeah yeah, what's going on with her then?

- It's, I think it's over now.

- Yeah.

- You know what?

- That didn't last long then.

- I think I'm gonna like find a girl that's more,

more down-to earth, do you know like?

- Do you know any down-to-earth girls though?

- You know what, I didn't think I ever did.

- All the girls I've ever seen you with

have been far from down-to-earth.

- Do you know what I mean?

And now I've met this girl Lauren

and I was like, she unbelievable do you know what I mean?

- Obviously you know you know about the abstinence rule yeah

I mean does she know about this abstinence rule?

- I know, you see that's what I was thinking right

should you save it for the fight.

- Well you can't you definitely can't,

not before the fight mate yeah.

- You want to keep your.

- Oh yeah mate yeah, six weeks ideally.

- No wanking or nothing?

- No nothing mate, six weeks, six weeks out.

- So I've got to record this message

for the internet dating, what am I gonna.

- This is what, this is what your life's come to now.

- Hi I'm Amy, I'm 20 years of age

I love going out, I love meeting new people

I'm very business-minded.

[laughing]

- See what happens, if not we're just gonna

have to start going out on the dating scene aren't we?

- Or turn lesbian.

Joking.

- Only joking.

- Obviously.

- This is it Arg.

- Mate it looks unreal.

- This is where we'll be boxing, right about there.

- I can't wait.

Well it's going to be exciting aint it?

It does look really good mate.

- Nerve wracking actually being here though aint it?

- Oh I don't know how you're boxing

in front of all these people.

I couldn't do it.

- I've got to do it aint I?

I want you to do me a favour, I haven't really

got time to interview all the ring card girls

and I've got some coming up to see you today

for you to interview.

- What, what, what do you mean, what?

- You know the girls who do the ring cards?

- Yeah, what I've got to choose who you want to use?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- And I trust you, you better do a good job.

Don't pick no rotters.

- What have I got to think about

what they look like and.

- The personality of them

and the way they hold up the cards.

- What personality?

All they've got to do is walk round and look good.

- Yeah but if they're walking around all nervous

like that then they're shit,

they've got to walk round with a bit of confidence.

But there's another thing I was going to ask you as well.

I need you to do the, like be the ring master.

- What the master of ceremonies.

- Yeah so show me what you're like

you know in the ring introducing people in it.

- So I just put the mic up and I'm just like

in the blue corner, weighing in at 500 pounds.

[laughing]

- Who weighs 500 pounds, that's you mate.

[laughing]

- Oh my god I've just uploaded it

and I've got loads of messages already.

Oh my god.

"Hi", from a weirdo.

"Hello, wow you are hot baby

"would you marry me, hehe, hit me back."

- Oh.

[laughing]

- 41, are these men for sure?

- We've got someone of 95 from Canada.

[laughing]

So this is what it's come to.

No it's not for me Sam.

- It's not is it?

There's a couple of guys that I met

when we was at Essex fashion week, models

and if you want we can go out for something

to eat or a drink with them.

- That'll be good, I need it don't I?

Are they good looking?

- I think yeah.

- Where are they from?

- Essex.

- So I was thinking I might have a bonfire night.

- Yeah?

- Yeah I might host it and obviously

do some food and everything.

- Yeah.

- Are you going to be bringing Lucy to the fireworks?

- Yeah yeah, Lucy will come along, obviously it will be

nice for her to come along and meet everyone.

- Right.

- She can meet Nanny. - Yeah.

- I've told her all about you anyway

so she wants to meet you as well.

- Have you, oh I hope it ain't bad.

- No, how can I say something bad about you?

[upbeat music]

- Hello. - Hello are you all right?

You look lovely.

- Oh thank you, so do you.

- Oh cheers thanks.

What are your vital statistics?

- Bust 32 double D.

- 32, 26, 34, double D.

- Bra size 30F.

- Boobs 30C.

- To be fair this aint a bad job.

Very nice.

[hip-hop music]

Next,

next please.

Just a few more times.

- Well how many times do you want?

- I've gotta judge it properly.

- You just want to see my arse don't you?

- No.

[hip hop music]

Yeah well done Bonnie that's lovely.

Cheers thanks for that.

- All right, thanks for that nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

I could do this for a living.

- So what about these two tonight then Sam

what are they, what are they gonna be like?

- Well do you know what they're actually good looking boys

but I don't know if we're gonna fancy them or not

but its just a bit of fun isn't it.

- But what about if we don't really like em.

- We need a code word or we need like a, a signal.

We can turn round and say something like

oh this lip gloss isn't very nice is it?

- Oh.

- But if we do like em you can say

the lip gloss is nice.

- Oh I really love this lip gloss, it's really nice.

- And if we don't like em

remember we just don't like our lip gloss.

- I'll just go, oh I'm just gonna get it off right now.

- Yeah.

- Right so well done I thought you done really well.

- Thank you very much.

- I'm gonna get in contact with Mark,

obviously we'd love to use you.

- Brilliant, all right, thank you very much.

- Nice to meet you, I'll see you soon.

- See you later. - See you later darling.

- Do you want another one? - Yeah go on.

- Yeah, see you later.

- See you later.

You all right Lyd?

- Arg what's going on?

- [Arg] Huh?

- What's going on?

- Nothing I'm just, Marks asked me

to audition ring girls for the boxing.

- It's not funny.

- It is funny, it's only--

- No it's not, what are you doing?

- I'm doing him a favour.

- I've been calling you all day

you've not answered your phone.

- Well my phone has been on silent.

- Well why haven't you told me where you've been?

- Because I literally didn't know I was doing it

I turned up here and Mark asked me for a favour.

- Why would you do it by yourself though?

- I dunno he asked me to.

- No you blatantly said to Mark "I want to do it by myself".

- No I didn't Lydia, stop being stupid.

- [Lydia] You did.

- There's nothing in it I promise yah.

- I've walked in and there's a girl

standing in her bikini in front of you.

- Yeah well there's nothing wrong with that.

- And 100 girls lined outside in their bikinis.

- Lyd it's just, I didn't--

- And you're standing here by yourself like Hugh Hefner.

- Hugh Hefner.

Lyd I'm just doing Mark a favour.

There's nothing in it I promise yah.

- You're turning into Mark.

- Oh fuck off.

- [Lydia] You are.

- I'm not turning into Mark at all.

- [Lydia] You are.

- Stop being stupid.

- But you liked it.

- I wouldn't say I liked it.

I've just had to give my professional opinion

and choose who I thought would be the most suitable.

- [Lydia] So what one did you choose?

- Well Bonnie was all right, I didn't mind Bonnie.

- So Bonnie's the one.

How many are you having?

- Actually Chloe was pretty decent as well.

- How many are you having then?

- Well there was eight auditioned

and I've got to choose four so.

- What about me?

Can I be one of the ring girls?

- No. - Why?

- You've got no chance. - Why?

- There's no way you're getting

your ass out in front of 1000 people.

- [Lydia] Why?

- Because I don't want that.

- Okay I won't audition.

- Right good girl, well you wouldn't get in

anyway even if you did.

- Oh thanks.

[laughing]

- Hi you all right?

- Hiya, how ya doing? - Hello hunny.

- How ya doing?

- I'm Amy.

- How you doing, you alright? - Hello, Sam.

- [Jay] Nice to meet you.

- [Sam] What are both of your names again, sorry?

- I'm Jack. - Jack.

- And Jay.

- What do you do?

- Broker.

- Oh brilliant. - Nice.

- I do sort of football slash modelling,

this year I played for a team called Farmborough.

- One that we've not heard about.

- Oh we've got a footballer? - Yeah exactly, miles away,

but last year I used to play for Wimbledon.

- We see a psychic the other day and she told us

that Amy was gonna meet a footballer.

[gasping]

- She said West Ham, but sorry that's probably not you.

- Okay.

[laughing]

- What do you do Sam?

- I do glamour modelling.

- Oh do you?

- Yeah.

- You seem quite smart, for a glamour model.

- Yeah, I am quite smart, aren't I?

I must say so myself.

- I don't do modelling, I'd like to get into

the modelling side but I'm a beautician.

- You heard of the Vajazzle?

- What, have you guys already got one?

- No, I'm actually trained in Vajazzling.

[laughing]

- [Sam] She's a professional.

- [Amy] I'm a professional.

- A professional.

- [Sam] Wait she does male ones now,

call it Pejazzle.

- The what? - Oh really?

- It's called a Pe-jazzle.

- Pejazzle.

- Yeah.

[laughing]

- Yeah.

[laughing]

- You got any plans for this weekend?

You gonna watch Mark's fight?

- Yeah we're gonna watch boxing.

- Who do you want to win?

- Kirk.

- Yeah? - You want Kirk to win.

[laughing]

- I think I want Mike to win now,

I've had a bit of a row with Kirk.

- [Sam] Oh she had a row with Kirk the other night.

- [Jay] Yeah?

- So, we've actually split up.

Done, done.

[upbeat music]

♪ My heart's beating so fast

♪ I really want to find a way to make this thing last ♪

♪ So cool it down and relax

- Right, I have major problems.

I'm getting miserable, I'm getting ew,

and I'm just, I'm not getting sex.

- Julian, I think I'm probably speaking for all of us.

- Of course. - It doesn't really help

when you're in front of us, you know.

- But who else is gonna be in front of you,

trying to tell you what to do?

- I'm just saying it probably doesn't help us.

I think, you know, if you believed in us a bit more.

- I do believe in you but you're not giving me

anything to believe in right now.

- Okay.

- I don't want to see misery, I want to see sexy.

- We'll have to smile in this song?

- Yes, you're sexy, you're--

- Because this song's about attitude.

- It's a mixture, it's attitude okay,

the routine sings for itself okay,

please girls, if you want to piss me off,

you're doing a good job of it.

I know you can fucking do it.

One more time, and give me what I need.

Don't talk, positions, ready to go please.

Five, six, seven, eight.

[upbeat music]

This is your main performance right now in GIY stage,

let me see it.

♪ Hey give up, dazzle me a little bit ♪

♪ You want too much

- C'mon timing!

[clapping]

- You local boys?

- North London.

- But where is north London?

I'm really not good at geography.

- It's kind of, north side.

- Is it like-- - What are we, what's Essex?

- We're south, are we south London?

[laughing]

- Honestly it doesn't even matter, we're so far.

- [Amy] Sam, your lip gloss is lovely.

- Thank you, doesn't it.

- But I think my lip gloss is better.

[giggling]

- You wanna go toilet quick?

- Oh yeah babe.

- Excuse us.

- I'll go check my lip gloss out.

- Yeah me too.

- Where's north London?

[laughing]

I didn't know what to say.

- Is that a trick question?

- What do you think?

- Oh I really love it, they just stared at us as well

they are so good looking though.

- I know.

- Good looking is so much.

- Who do you think are better looking,

them two or us two?

- Us two.

- [Sam] Of course.

- Obviously.

- I think we should go boxing with 'em.

- Kirk will be with Lauren,

I'll walk in there with him, he's so good looking,

he's much better looking than Kirk.

- Exactly, so he's gonna be so jealous.

- Definitely.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- How you doin', you all right?

- I'm all right how are you?

- And you look nice.

- Thank you, so do you.

- Do you want a drink?

- Yeah, please.

- What do you want?

- Could I have a glass of champagne please?

- Glass of champagne? - Yes please.

- Excuse me, could I have a glass of champagne please?

Thank you.

So I googled you the other day.

- You googled me?

- 'Cause you used to be a big model,

I didn't know how big of a model you was.

- I started when I was about 18, started doing Page 3.

- Was ya? - Yeah.

- So a lot of builders has seen ya?

- Yeah, pretty much.

- Here's your drink.

Thank you very much. - Aww thank you.

- How ya doin' Lauren?

Long time no see.

- How are you?

- I'm good, thank you very much,

how you been, still DJ-ing?

- [Lauren] Yeah.

- [Ross] I ain't seen you for ages,

some of the guys said you went 'round the world.

- [Lauren] Yeah I was in China.

- China? What's it like in China?

- Like hardly anyone speaks English,

so three weeks on your own with no one to speak to.

- That's 'cause it's China babe.

- Yeah, probably.

[laughing]

They speak Chinese funnily enough.

- [Ross] So where you playing at?

Where you playing at, House, Electro?

- Both, like R&B, hip-hop, house.

- Excellent, really nice to see you Lauren.

- And you.

- Give you a call in a week, and I'll speak to you soon.

- See you later. - Be good.

- Something I'm gonna have to get used to.

- What?

- People poaching you off me?

- No.

- So do you get noticed?

What's it like getting noticed?

Do you get noticed a lot?

- Depends where I am, but it's always younger guys.

- That's like me innit?

I don't want to be one of them guys,

do you know what I mean?

- Could you handle going out with

someone that had a profile.

- Obviously any guy in their right mind

would not like it, but it wouldn't be an issue.

- Right.

- You should bite your tongue and get on with it.

- [Lauren] You're quite jealous usually then?

- I am a jealous person, I don't know.

- But there's like a limit, there's a fine line.

- I've pushed over that border a couple of times.

- There's like that psycho line.

- You know what, I could be sitting on the line.

I could be, could have been, not no more, you know.

- Oh okay so you're a changed man now?

- I'm changed, you know, I'm changing.

- That's good to know.

- Yeah.

- Oh my God, we are releasing our song on Sunday.

- Oh my gosh.

- Who's to blame for all this then?

[laughing]

You? - He's caused all the trouble.

- Right, you see talent that you really wanna work with,

and I believe now I have a top 10 band on my hands,

but you know, Essex Fashion Week sweetie,

how are you feeling after that?

- We're just overwhelmed.

- I know the response has just been amazing.

Like, it's just so nice.

- Mark looked very cute in one of your outfits,

didn't he, without his top on.

Oh my God.

[laughing]

And you walked on at the end with him, didn't you?

- I know.

- There seemed to be chemistry there.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Why aren't you drinking tonight?

- 'Cause I've got that fight coming up with Mark,

so I've been cutting down the drink and the junk food.

- Gotta be strict.

- Well me trainer's being very strict on me,

he's also said I couldn't have no sexual, you know.

- For how long?

- From now until the fight.

- What are you gonna do?

How are you gonna cope?

- Just bite the pillow.

[laughing]

- Did you reckon Mark's done the same?

- I can't imagine him doing that.

- No, me neither.

- He's got, who's he got on the go at the moment,

he's got Sam, Lauren and Lucy before his fight.

- That could be his weak spot then, get him with that.

- Send a girl in now.

- Yeah.

- Sleep with him.

- Just send Lauren over.

- Knock him out, you know.

So are you definitely gonna come to the fight?

- Yeah, do you want me to?

- You promise?

- I'll be there to cheer you up.

- Are you gonna come are ya?

You'll have a Team Kirk shirt on?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Just over here.

- Did you want to put your tongue in there?

- Would you have liked me to have slipped my tongue?

- Yeah.

- As your new gay best friend,

I need you to be honest with me.

When you walked down the catwalk with Mark,

there's something there.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Is something else going on?

- Might be, maybe not.

- I'm an outsider ultimately, and I only see what I see,

you know, you were together and then Lucy comes along

and then I'm sure something's happened

since then between you and Mark.

Is that a "no comment"?

- I'm not saying.

- Someone's gonna get hurt, and it's gonna be Lucy.

Here's to you and Mark.

[jazzy music]

- Wait the wheel.

[laughing]

It's home time babe.

- Oh my God what have you got here?

That is terrible.

- This is Dave.

[laughing]

- His wig kept blowing off in the wind.

- He's got lip liner like me on.

- All I'm saying like, is it a boy or a girl?

She'll be saying Dave by day and Cassandra by night.

- The guy is not happening for me.

It looks like Guy Fawkes now.

What is Guy Fawkes all about?

- I don't really know, it's old fashioned.

- I think he died on November the fifth didn't he?

He did.

- I didn't learn about him.

- I'm not a historian but I think he's American.

He's American isn't he Dad?

- No.

[laughing]

He's definitely not American.

- All we got to know is that

he goes on top of that bonfire and we burn him later.

- Oi, oi.

- Watch your hands there.

- How ya doin mate?

- How ya doin, all right, you good?

- You wearing this black one?

- White, white, and I've got black gloves

and I'm tryna get this in white.

- So I might, should I do opposite

and do the black ones.

- I don't know, there's one in the corner, a pink one.

- Right, I was excited about these gloves here.

- Yeah, why don't you wear them?

- I don't know, I think I need to go for a dark colour

'cause I don't want no one seeing your blood.

- That's why I chose white, 'cause I want to see

you know, blood all over it.

- Yeah, that'll happen.

Everyone's saying I got to get a name and stuff like that.

- What are you thinking of?

- I dunno, I've only been thinking of names for you

and stuff, I couldn't really do it.

- Yeah I'm thinkin' bout Mark Right Hook.

- Oh that's a good one.

- Or Mark Left Hook Right, but I ain't got a clue.

- So you're right-handed?

- Yeah.

- Just need to know, need to cover me self.

- What are you left?

- Yeah I'm a lefty.

- What you're south paw?

- Yeah? - Are ya?

- Did you not know?

- I like boxing them, so I'll be always sweet.

- I can't walk out a loser.

- I can't lose.

- May the best man win Mark.

- Yep, I'll see you in a minute yeah.

[soft guitar music]

- Happy Fireworks day!

- Woo!

- Arg, does it remind you of deuces?

[laughing]

[firework popping]

[cheering]

[romantic music]

- [Mark] How's single life been treating you?

- Not good.

- Dating?

- Actually I did go on a date,

I saw a psychic and he went,

"you're gonna meet a footballer",

I thought, are you having me on.

Literally the next night after,

Sam set me up on a double date.

- Who you and Sam? - Don't get jealous.

- I'm not getting jealous.

- Me and Sam was on a double date

and the guy was a model slash footballer,

played for like Doncaster or some shit team like that.

- Wait, this is, they're not that shit,

they're in the championship.

- Some shit team, West Brom.

- That and West Brom in the Premiership.

[giggling]

A typical wag aren't ya.

- No of course I'm not.

No I'm not, do you really think that of me?

- That's not bad thing.

- No it's true.

- Cheryl Cole's a wag, so I don't feel bad of her.

- Is she a wag wannabe, like me?

I'm not a wag wannabe.

- You just said it.

- Oh you're making this really bad for me.

- You donut, I never said it, you said it.

- Do you know what, I want you to beat Kirk so much.

You gotta just win Mark, I need you to win anyway.

- I'm gonna win.

- You got to show em yeah,

like do it for you, but you'll do it for me now,

that what he's done for me.

- Kirk comes across like one of them boys

who's a proper man, you know,

would never cheat his bird, is that just all an act?

- Definitely, an absolute prick.

Do me proud.

- I will do, you gonna cheer for me then?

- Of course I will.

- Hey Pussycat Dolls.

Hey girls, how are you doing my darling?

- [Lucy] I'm good, how are you?

- Good actually, I've wanted to catch up with you

about fashion week actually, about your collection.

- Oh right.

- You know obviously being a fashion man

and managing a girl band you know,

we'll always need some clothes.

The stuff that I saw I really, really liked,

are you gonna do it again next year?

- Hopefully, hope so, if we get invited back.

- Must be a bit uncomfortable though

with Lauren up there as well.

- Yeah obviously I didn't enjoy

watching them walk down the catwalk together,

I'm not gonna lie.

- So how's that all going by the way?

- Me and Mark? - Yeah.

- Yeah it's going really well, it's going really well.

- There's rumours going around that something

is going on with them again, is this true?

- I would say no, I'd say no.

- Do you think they've slept with each other?

- What, since we've been seeing each other?

- [Julian] Yeah.

- No.

I'm almost 100% sure that they wouldn't be, no.

- Mkay.

- Hey sexy girl.

- So, Kirk's not here tonight, how did you feel about that?

- I'm glad he's not here,

if he was here I'd throw a drink at him.

- Would you? - Yes.

- Throw him in the bonfire with Dave.

- He would have been in that bonfire right now,

Kirk is a waste of space.

- He is yeah.

- Kirk is going out with someone 30 years older than me.

Let him get on with it.

- Oh yeah well she's had a lot of work.

- She's had a hell of a lot of work.

- She has, it's not just the boobs and the lips.

- Is she not like a bloke, turned into a girl?

[laughing]

Do you know what I mean?

- [Sam] Yeah.

- I like work but God, it's work.

- What did you just talk to Julian about?

- I just feel strange because I don't know him at all

and he's come out with like

"I've heard that there's something still

"going on with Mark and Lauren."

And I was just like "Oh I don't think so"

and he was like "Oh well, I'm worried about you and,"--

- He don't even know you.

- It's a bit strange.

- Well obviously, she still texts me sometimes

as a friendly thing and, I see her out

'cause we're always in the same place.

- You don't text her back though do you?

- Well, every now and then,

if it's a friendly thing then I might,

like she's asking me a question,

but she doesn't really text me

that much to not text back.

- It's just really strange, I'm really shocked

that he come up to and said that.

- He doesn't even know you, it's pretty annoying.

- Don't know where he would have

heard it from but, lies.

- Rumours, it's Essex.

[laughing]

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Only Way is Essex".

- There you go.

- I hope he bashes Kirk's face straight up.

- I'm gonna offer you an opportunity.

- Okay.

- [Man] Which would mean you come with me to Dubai.

- So babe, what do you think?

- Too dressy.

- It's too Jordan.

- [Lucy] Are you just talking and texting?

- Well yeah, I have seen him a little bit.

- Do you know what, I wish Lauren would

jump on a plane and go to Australia.

- [Narrator] They're real people,

and anything can go on "The Only Way is Essex".

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is us

♪ Baby

♪ You and me now

♪ The only way is us

♪ Baby

♪ You and me now