Original subtitles

- [Narrator] This programme may contain fake boobs,

flash cars and Nanny Pat's sausage plait.

But while the tans you see might be fake

the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way is Essex".

- We'll be classy Playgirl bunnies.

- Beautiful.

- You look like a penguin, mate.

- Oh, shut up.

- [Ben] I hope that that Amy bird

is gonna appreciate all this effort.

- Hopefully she does.

- [Kirk] Did I tell you to go dancing with a geezer?

- No. - Jumping up on the stage,

flutting about.

- Well, why didn't you dance with me then?

- He will never ever do better than me.

I thought he was gonna be with some amazing model,

and she is so ugly.

- Do you reckon there's gonna be a chance

of us getting back together, Lyd?

- I don't see anything.

- Huh.

[energetic music]

- Pink wax? - Here, Harry, look.

- Oh, but there's pink wax.

Nail files?

- Oh, a pink one.

How nice is that nail file?

- Anything else that you need, before we go?

- [Amy] No, that's it, babes, I think.

- Yeah? [Phone rings]

Hello?

- Hi Ame, it's Lauren calling.

- Hi, Lauren, you all right honey?

- [Lauren] Hello, yeah, you all right?

- [Amy] Yeah, fine, thank you.

- I just wanted to ask if you and Sam can model

for the Essex Fashion Week?

- [gasps] Oh my God, me and you, they want us to model.

Me and you for the Essex Fashion Week.

- That's good. - [gasps] You're joking, what!

They actually saying. - Honey, thank you so much!

- That's all right.

Also, do you know any like,

really good looking guys that would do it?

- Do I know any good looking guys?

Hmm, I've got one standing right in front of me, Lauren.

- Shut up.

- And he is looking at me a bit

like David Beckham at the minute.

He's got this blonde hair going on.

- Oh, really?

What, Harry?

- Yeah, Harry.

- Oh, wicked, that'd be good.

Harry would be really good.

- Lauren wants you to do it as well.

- Oh, bless her! - Oh my God, do it!

- [Amy] Oh, honey, thank you so much!

- Oh, what a laugh!

- Okay no worries, see you later.

- [Harry] Oh my God!

- Was she serious she wants me to do it

after everything that has happened?

- Well, she must do.

- I'm so excited. [screams]

- Harry, show me how you do it.

Go on, your catwalk. - Oh my God!

- Go on, Harry, strut your stuff.

Oh, Harry's got it, in't he?

- Yeah. [laughing]

- Harry, now face us.

Oh look! - Oh, it's the eyes!

- [Harry] Give it a bit babe.

- [laughing] Wouldn't it? - Definitely.

- [Sam] I need a spray tan for this though.

- I need a spray tan. - Oh, so do I.

- You definitely need a spray tan.

- You definitely do need one, Harry.

- You're so pale. - Pale.

- And your nose looks bigger as well.

- And my nose looks bigger.

- Amy!

[upbeat music]

- [Mark] Pick it up.

Kick it.

- [Mark] Oh, shit.

- [Mark] How's that, how's that?

Oh, got that one.

- Hold the line.

He's turned his back.

You a pussy, or what?

[whistle blows]

- Wait Josh, where'd you go?

Were you using your feet?

Smashing the life out of it.

You turning your back when you're using your feet.

You've got to liven up, get stronger.

- é\Lauren, I just want to have a catch up.

Cause, um, I've seen the post-its.

Because you met three people last week.

- Yep.

- There's one missing, for Every Unique.

- [Lauren] Yep.

- [Simon] Do you want to tell me a bit about that?

- Obviously because the last girl that came in

is been seeing Mark.

So I didn't want to get involved in it.

- I know where you're coming from,

but you've definitely got to put your emotions

to one side because it is business.

- Yeah. - So, if she is involved,

just make sure you've got your professional hat on.

You know, that's probably the way forward.

- Yeah. - All right cool.

- Okay. - Wicked.

- All right then.

- Good game, yeah? - Good game pal.

So I'm right looking forward to this Essex fashion week.

I bet there'll be top models everywhere.

- Mate, I can't wait.

- You're looking for a little bird aren't ya?

Surely, if you haven't been absolutely bitten by Lydia.

- [laughs] I don't think I'm absolutely bitten.

- Did you hear that boys?

He asked her back out and she said no.

- That's embarrassing.

[James laughs]

- [James] All I know is that there's gonna be loads

of models obviously there yeah?

- Sunbed, new outfit,

get there and you might have a chance of getting one.

- They're usually thick aren't they?

- Thick? - Yeah

- What a fashion model?

No, they're normally intelligent.

Glamour models might have a little bit

of thickness in them but, [laughs] fashion models?

Sorry Sam! [laughs]

- Oh God.

- You'd be buggered, wouldn't you,

if you walked out with a couple of models' numbers.

- Brilliant. - Ay?

- Be good, wouldn't it.

- You heard this boys, we're going to Essex Fashion Week.

Arg is gonna try and pull a model.

What do you reckon?

- [All] No chance. [laughing]

- Absolutely no chance.

- [James] What are you talking about?

- [Team Player] All right. All right. Steady.

- I'll fucking pull any bird I want.

- [All] Yeah.

- Sam it's so good for you babes.

It will be good for me.

It is even good for Harry.

Harry should... - Yeah, I think it's

good for me. - Good experience for you.

Yeah. - Harry you should be a model.

- [Harry] Really?

- I think you should have a nose job though.

- I think I should.

Not, not a major little nose.

- [Sam] If it makes you happy then you should get it.

- So also the party the other night with Kirk.

- [Sam] Yeah.

- When Arg got me on the stage.

Nothing in it.

Arg is my friend.

He was all like.

You saw him.

He started having a go at me.

Why was he so dreadful?

- He just gets so protective over you.

- So I have text him, he hasn't text me back or nothing.

- Really?

That's out of order isn't it?

- Is that out of order? - Yeah, that's pretty

out of order. - I've done nothing wrong.

He is so jel and I think it has really upset him.

And I think he unsure of himself.

And I just want to talk to him.

And I want to be with him Sam.

And he is doing this to me.

- Give it a couple of days.

If he is at the Essex Fashion Week just talk to him then.

- He's just so jel at the minute.

- Everyone is getting jel, fuckin' hell.

- Here it is now, look.

What do you reckon?

- Oh.

Corr, in'it lovely, in'it?

When it's finished it will be.

- Lovely, yeah.

I mean this is my sort of dream you know.

Owning my own bar.

I've done it so..

- Yeah, yeah, oh, I'm proud of you for doing it all.

I mean you've always wanted your own bar, in't ya.

- Yeah, always. - So.

- So hopefully, hopefully this is the first of many.

- And what colour is it gonna be?

- All purple and silver.

Mirrors everywhere.

Booths, all leather, nice booths.

Actually we are doing a nice crushed velvet

with button back crystals in the seats.

- [Nanny Pat] Yeah.

- That's gonna be a VIP area,

- That must be costing you a lot of money in'it?

- Yeah its costing a few bob.

That's gonna be a VIP area

where like just champagne only, £2,000 a table.

Put it this way, it's gonna be the best,

most exclusive bar around by a mile.

And just picturing it on the night,

hopefully I'm trying to get Sam and Amy to do the door.

So you walk straight up, big boobs.

- Ah, right.

- You know so you come in

and straight away it's that glamorous look, you know?

- [Nanny Pat] Yeah.

- All the waitresses are all ready.

That's the first thing I done.

Got all their outfits.

Corsets, little knickers, French, what are they called?

Fishnet tights.

- Well it no good for me then.

I can't come in here can I?

[all laughing]

- You must have heard about Mark and this new club?

- It'd just be good to watch,

for me to watch him fall on his arse to be honest.

The end of the day being a promoter

and running a club is a completely different thing.

- I heard that Sam and Amy are doing the door.

- Are they?

He can have them at the end of the day.

- Really. - Yeah but even though

they're your girls?

- Yeah but everyone is gonna be saying

"They're the two girls from Sugarhut."

And then everyone realises my name again.

It is good, it's like brand awareness.

He can have them. - How are you and Amy?

All right, or?

- No, you know we had like, dunno.

I thought it was going all good

and then obviously we had a fancy dress party to go to.

And I'm standing there

and she is just there grinding all up some other geezer.

Well you know what I think she has really embarrassed me.

I tried so much now, literally.

I am a flirt and I have stopped all of that, just for that.

I've showed her how much I like her, you know.

We've had that fall out.

It is up to her now.

- [Nanny Pat] Nice cup of tea here.

- Oh lovely.

- Just staying in there. - Lovely.

There will be plenty of dramas in this old bar I'd imagine.

- [James] Corr mate.

- I don't want no dramas like you

and Lydia the other night.

- If it's anything to go by the other night

there's gonna be a few dramas.

I sort of said are we getting back together

and I shouldn't of rushed into it.

- I told him to play hard to get, basically Nan,

because it works for everyone.

But he walked straight out there.

- Like you do.

- She said, no, no she did actually say that,

she says there's still feelings there and everything

but she was basically sort of saying that at the moment, no,

like, yeah, so.

- Don't go in too quick next time, just.

- Even Nanny Pat's teaching you now.

[laughs]

You know what you need to do, if you want to get over Lydia,

you need to find a new girl

and realise there is other girls out there.

You know, whatever's happened with me and Lauren.

If I have hurt her, if she has hurt me, if we've had rows,

I just want it to be all right.

You know I just want to go out

and I want to be able to smile at each other,

kiss her on the cheek, civil.

- Just to be civil. - Just to be civil.

Someone you've spent that much of your life with.

- [Nanny Pat] Yeah.

- That's it.

Someone I have spent that much of my life with

you know, I want to be friends.

You know, it's upsetting seeing us row all the time.

- Mm. - It's not nice.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Just dropping off our styles for the Fashion Show.

- Thanks.

Okay that's fine.

Thanks for the dresses.

Obviously I won't need you at the actual event

because I'll be looking after everything so.

- Yeah.

- You can go back and come

and get your dresses when it's done.

- Okay. - Only when it's done.

- So is that it?

- Yeah.

- Okay, so I've got no involvement at all.

- What do you want more involvement?

- I'd quite like to get them dressed,

sort their hair out, their make up, style them a little bit,

like I would usually do, yeah.

- But that's obviously something

we looked after anyway.

We would do that for all of them.

The other clothes, no one else has really

got a problem with that.

The other girls and stuff.

- It'd be nice to see them

before they go out, that's all.

But if it's a problem with you.

- I haven't got a problem no

because it's fine if that's what you want to do.

That's completely fine.

It's, you know, just everyone else is quite easy going.

And sort of have let me do what I want to do.

But that's fine if you want to do that

and come back, you can, I'm not gonna have a problem with it

and anything that's going on between you and Mark

and stuff I don't really care about him anymore.

Like it's quite funny but this is professional

so all that aside, - 100%.

- you know, so that's fine.

So thanks for bringing the dresses in

and then obviously if you want to,

I'm doing whatever I need to do

but if you want to be there that's fine.

I'm not gonna have a problem with it really, so.

- Okay then.

- [Lauren] Okay.

- That seems quite grown up about everything.

- Yeah. - Quite professional.

We'll just keep it professional and that's fine with me.

- Yeah. - That's all I want well.

- That's all I want, okay, great.

- Okay. - Thanks Lauren.

- [Lauren] Thanks.

[upbeat music]

- Sorry.

[energetic music]

- Yeah, what about Kate Moss then recently?

Have you read it in the papers?

- What happened? - She wants to go

from being a catwalk model to a farmer.

- Don't blame her really.

- [Sam] Really?

- I'd love to be walking down the catwalk

and then milking cows.

- [laughs] Milking cows.

- My big jackets on and no makeup.

- [Sam] Big green jacket.

- No makeup, no hair extensions, no perfume.

- [Sam] There'd be nothing. - Just smelling

of shit all the time.

- Horse manure wouldn't you?

- [Amy] Aww Sam.

- Like cow pat.

- We should leave here and work at a farm.

- No we should own a farm.

That would do really well.

But like do the farming in our underwear and stuff.

- Imagine that, milking cows.

- [laughs] Underwear.

- There she is.

Hello, how are you?

- [Adam] How is it going?

Are things all right? - Yeah good.

- How is it all going with the models?

Are they all here? - Yeah fine, all here.

And now I'm just getting the dresses in.

Matching the dresses and models up together.

How they will have their hair and makeup

but yeah, just going over everything so.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

But go on, I'll catch you in a little while, yeah?

- Excellent. - Wicked.

- All right then. - Lovely.

- Did you see X Factor the other night.

When Cheryl performed, did you see that?

- She did so good didn't she? - Didn't she.

She has just had a waxwork made hasn't she?

- Has she?

- Yeah, her one is where she done that.

If you get a waxwork done that's when you know

you've made it, surely?

- Truly, yeah.

- So how do you reckon they make it?

Do you know?

- Step into like a pile of wax.

- No they don't. [laughs]

- They could do, they could do.

- Too much clothes for me, what do you reckon?

[James laughs]

- [James] Look at this moody bollocks.

- [Mark] She looked happy didn't she?

- [James] Yeah, but that's the model look though, in't it?

The moody look.

- Yeah, I suppose so.

There's a couple models there.

Hi Girls.

I'm Mark.

- Hi, I'm Diva.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you

Hi. - Reckon you out.

- I'm James. - Nice to meet you, Diva.

- [Mark] What are you girls doing here tonight?

- Modelling. - We're modelling.

- [James] You two are modelling?

- Yeah. - There you go Arg.

You came in for two models.

Are you two girls single?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I am, yeah.

- There you go Arg.

Give them a drink and have a chat.

He is a bit shy my friend.

- [Diva] Aw, it's cute.

- What are you gonna wear?

Hopefully nothing brown. - Honey that's not nice.

No Sam.

- [Sam] What?

- I'm not feeling it.

- [Sam] Not for me?

- Sam, ugh.

- Lauren's coming.

- Hi girls, you all right?

- Hi honey.

- Havin' a good day? - You all right?

- Okay, these are Lucy's dresses that I have got you.

- Oh it's. - Oh my god

- I don't like it.

- Yeah., no, they're a bit, they are a bit odd but.

- Did she have to supply the dresses, then?

- Yeah, and once she was involved,

she demanded, "I will be involved"

so I was just like, Okay, I'm not gonna be the bitch,

I'll forget - How annoying.

- personal things. - Just get on with it, yeah.

- Exactly, and don't - This is,

this is your day, isn't it?

- [Lauren] Yeah, don't worry about it.

- You'll be fine. - All right.

- Fine babes. - So I'm really busy

but I'll see you later. - See you later.

- I really don't want to wear this.

- Candy, Kirk. - Hey honey, again.

- How you doing, all right? - Hello Mr.

- [James] You're looking good.

- [Kirk] Arg you all right mate?

- [Mark] What's been happening?

- [Kirk] Oh, mate, I don't know.

I was going good but I got some bad news.

Bloody, You're opening your club in't ya.

- Bar. Bar, yeah. - You're opening a bar.

- [Candy] What are you calling it?

- Duce's Bar and Lounge.

- Duce's Bar and Lounge?

- Don't think she's neat?

- Listen Kirky, it's no Sugarhut.

[laughing]

- Okay it's a new Chris Brown

so it kind of means I'm chucking my Duce's up to that.

- Ah right.

- So when we are busy and Kirk is taking the piss out

of me I'll be chucking up my Duces.

- You know, talking about Duce's too.

I'm pissed off because you took me bloody door whores away

from me haven't ya.

- Hey? - You owe me two girls.

- Why do I owe you two girls?

- Sam and Amy.

You took them off me.

- They wanted to work for me Kirk.

- Oh they want to work for you.

Are we going on that level.

Are we poaching each others staff and stuff like that?

- Well, you know, I threw a little hint in

if they wanted work and they chose to come and do it.

- [Candy] Do you think you'll go on Saturday?

- I can't, I've got to work in't I, you know.

- You've got to come.

- [Kirk] Ah you've shocked me.

- You've got to come. - You and me.

- I'd come to your club.

- For a grand I'll come, no I'm joking.

You know what I will.

You know what I will.

You know what, nah, all the best to you.

- It'll be fun, you know, everyone will love it.

Duces versus Sugarhut, Kirk versus Mark.

- [Kirk] Kirk versus Mark, this is it dude, yeah.

- Let's do it. - Game on mate, game on.

- You look lovely Amy.

C'mon give me a twirl, give me twirl, come on.

You look gorgeous. - I look like a ballerina.

- You look gorgeous.

You've definitely got to wear it.

- I like this one. - No, we're gonna wear it

but it's not really my thing

but I'm gonna try it.

I'm gonna go down the catwalk and strut my stuff.

- [Sam] This is nice,

you look lovely. - You're gorgeous.

Whilst you're here anyways, I wanted to talk to you

because I haven't had a chance - Okay.

- to talk to you properly about anything.

Do you know what I mean?

- Yeah. - I'm not trying to

come across that I'm jealous

of you going out with Mark,

I don't want you being with Mark, but I just feel

that we've always been friends since school.

Do you know what I mean and Mark's been my friend

and somehow you like two have just got together now.

I just feel a bit like a bit hurt

and bit upset that you didn't say anything

or like Mark didn't bring anything up.

Do you know what I mean?

- This is the thing Sam.

It's just that I didn't actually know.

I have never ever remembered you bringing up Mark.

- Because I did always use to mention it

and if you say you didn't that's fine

and obviously with Mark I have always been on and off

with him anyway. - Yeah.

- But I just feel that, I don't know,

I felt a little bit out of the loop

and I think you just upset me

a little bit. - Yeah.

You should have just called me Sam

I would have been happy to talk to you.

- I know, that's why I would rather say it

to you now obviously wearing your dresses.

[laughing] You know what I mean?

- We're gonna have our hair and makeup done now

so we'll see you after.

- We'll see you when we've finished.

So we will see you in a bit, yeah?

- [Lucy] It's nice to see you.

- Thanks honey.

- [Sam] See you in a bit.

- Bye. - Bye.

- [Sam] Go.

- [Amy] Can you see my knickers?

- [Sam] Yeah.

- [Adam] We need to get a model.

What about Mark?

- No.

- You don't want to use him? - No way.

- I think that Mark would - No I don't want to do it.

- be good on the catwalk. - End of.

- [Adam] I think it would be good if you use him.

- I don't want to use him.

Why should I?

- If you did use him, it would show

that you didn't give a fuck

and it would make you look the bigger person.

- Mm.

- [Adam] All right?

- Yeah great, this is so much fun.

- Just play with this, this will make you look good.

[hands slapping]

- Okay. - Okay.

[upbeat music]

- Lauren.

- Oh you all right, oh my god.

One of my models let me down.

Do you mind modelling?

- Modelling?

- [Lauren] Yeah.

- What on the catwalk? - I know you're a bit

shocked but anyway.

No I just want a hand on the jackets

on Adam Simon's clothes are amazing.

- [Mark] What way do I go?

- Just go back to the changing room

and one of the guys will sort you out.

- [Mark] All right. See you in a minute.

- All right then.

- Oh my, absolute pair of tits.

- [James] Is that Colin Farrell?

- He stays here, that's gotta, that's got to be him.

- No, no, why would Colin Farrell be in Essex?

- [Lauren] Go.

- All right, all right darling.

- [Man In Audience] Fit.

- She's coming home with me though,

so we'll leave that one, all right mate?

- [Man In Audience] Oh wait, you know her, sorry.

- [James] Where do you reckon Mark's gone?

- [Lucy] I dunno, Arg.

[audience cheering]

- Shut up.

[audience cheering]

- So go on, what's happening with you and Mark?

You seem proper like happy at the moment, ain't ya?

- Yeah, no, yeah, really good, it's going well.

- Early days, yeah?

- Early days.

- As long as you're happy anyway.

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

[audience clapping]

- He had to do it.

He had to do it. [laughs]

He had to do it. [laughs]

- Do you reckon he knew?

- Huh? - Do you reckon he knew?

- Don't know, he didn't tell me.

I would have known if he was modelling.

Lee must have hand picked.

- I just want to say thank you to all designers,

their dresses are amazing

and I don't want to embarrass them

but I really want them to come out.

[audience cheering]

Okay everyone, thank you.

You did brilliant, your dresses were beautiful and amazing.

Thank you so much for being a part of this.

- Did she ask you to go up there?

- Obviously not.

- Right and also we want to say thank you to all the models.

Can we have all the models come through.

[audience cheering]

- [James] You should be up there

if your dresses are up there.

- I should, you're right.

[audience cheering]

- Oh, you're joking.

[upbeat music]

- Why did he do it?

- I don't know why he did it.

- I can't believe he agreed to do it.

I can't believe there's no one physically

pushing him out there doing it

- Just wanted to say that she has been working 24/7

and I just think we need to give her

a massive round of applause.

[audience cheering]

- Hi, Lauren.

- All right. - How're you doing?

- [Lauren] Tired.

- Sit down and have a rest.

You've done really well.

- [Lauren] Ah, thanks, really hard work.

- It looks, it looks hard work.

- Yeah, what, so how's the bar going?

- I'm nervous because

if you go in there now you will think

there's no way this is being done for two days time.

- Really?

- You coming?

- Yeah, I might do.

- You had better not drink and cause dramas, aye?

- I don't drink and cause dramas.

You do things that I would never do to you.

That's the difference.

I have been with you for 9 years

and you put me through stuff.

You mixed my feelings up completely.

- Can I just say something.

- I react when I have had a drink maybe

because it's you.

- We haven't been together as a couple together

for six months, all right.

- Really? - Yeah.

- No really? - After May, Marbella.

- No, no. - So that's June.

- I broke up with you June 29th.

- No, no there's no way it was a month

after Marbella, it was only a week.

- June 29th you threw me out.

- All right, okay.

So July, August, September, October

and it's now on the way to November.

So five and a half months.

But never have I once said I'm gonna get back

with you or there's a future.

I have always said to you, you know now what's happened.

- Really? - I could never ever

You know, I would never ever

get back with you. - Really?

- Yeah, I might have said to you, you know,

I'd love it to work again because I would.

Because we had something great but

- Are you actually lying to yourself or to me?

Because since then you took me out for my birthday,

you took me to Nobo, you stayed round my flat.

A couple of weeks ago after Sugarhut you was like,

do you want to be with me or not, we went home together.

I shouldn't of done that.

- You've got to realise we've moved on.

You know you're gonna be with someone

and I'm gonna be with someone - Right, you try to make

yourself sound better.

You're not a very nice person when it comes to me.

You treat me like absolute shit.

You have no respect. - But I'm not

with you anymore. - You 're rude.

No, let me just say something.

I'm not a horrible person.

Okay, maybe I have been a bit hurt

and I reacted in a way I shouldn't have.

Good luck to you and Lucy, that's fine.

I'll see you both, I'll be civil.

That's it, rise above it, I'm a professional.

I've got my career.

I'm very, very happy and I'm a lot stronger in myself now.

- That's how I want you to be.

- And, that's fine, I appreciate us talking.

I appreciate and hope you're happy

and I'll always care about you.

I will.

- I was just coming to say I'm proud

of what you done tonight.

- Thank you and I appreciate it and I'm glad.

I'm glad you're happy

and we've both got our careers now and we are moving on.

We've grown up, that's it.

All right?

- All right. - All right then.

- See you later, well done. - Thanks.

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Only Way is Essex."

It's Halloween.

But will it be fright night for Lucy and Mark?

Can James work his magic on Lydia?

And will it be Harry or Nanny Pat who get the willies?

Who knows?

They 're real people

and anything can happen on "The Only Way is Essex."