Original subtitles

- [Narrator] This programme may contain fake boobs,

flash cars, and Nanny Pat's sausage plait.

But while the tans you see might be fake,

the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been

set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way is Essex...

- It's not fair though, is it?

- Are you jealous that he fancies me?

- For you to get on page three yourself...

That's an achievement.

- [Both] Yeah.

- Mark's seeing someone else.

[gasps]

- They met in Marbella.

They get on really well.

- Aw, Lucy.

- So my name's Lucy. - Lauren.

- I though aw, bless her,

she's really young and like, and sweet and orange.

- And orange! [laughs]

- Go away from me, you absolute scumbag.

- Okay, bye.

- What is it that's on your mind?

Is it Lydia?

- I still love her, Mark.

- When you think you love someone, set it free.

If it don't come back,

it was never love to begin with.

[upbeat music]

- [All] Boy!

- The Grinch reveals his leg.

- Hey! [laughing]

- Can you do your pose a sec?

- Oh, that's a sexy pose isn't it?

- Do you know what you look like?

- Who? - Scooby Doo.

- Fuck off. - Who is Scooby Doo's mate?

- Shaggy. - Shaggy!

- This is not something I would do fancy dress.

- Yeah, but Harry, that's very 60s.

This is all like a 60s look.

You look good, but not for the night.

- I'm not feeling this, I don't look good.

- I think you should go around Sainsburys

dressed like that though.

I'm really looking forward to the party, though.

Are you, babe? - Yeah.

- It'll be so good. - It'll be so funny.

Harry, you have really got to do your dancing.

- I know, I have just got to go for it.

So I'm gonna be on the dance floor

and I'm gonna be leg out, and then pa-chow.

- Hey!

- How long are you gonna be, Arg?

Are you gonna be in here all day, mate?

- What are you laughing at?

- You look like something out of Godfather.

- What? It's a 60s night.

- Yeah, I thought 60s was all, like, free love,

flowers, afros, and all that, and short mini skirts.

You're going there like you're gonna kill someone.

Everyone is gonna his the deck

as soon as you walk through the door.

- Mark, the 60s, Frank Sinatra, Rat Pack.

It's that sort of era.

But basically, it's a 60s night

and I am singing at it, so I have to stand out

and look the part.

- So what are you singing?

- Fly Me to the Moon, Everybody Loves Somebody.

- Ah deary me, we're all gonna cry.

- What do you mean, deary me?

Girls love that sort of stuff.

- All right, I'll let you off on this one.

- So what's going on with Lucy?

You gonna bring her along?

You've got to introduce me, huh?

- Don't know yet, probably, yeah.

She is a bit shy, though, so I dunno if she'll come.

- Well, at least let her know, she might like it.

- Yeah, she might like the old fancy dress stuff actually.

She is gonna probably be there again, that Lauren.

Have you heard anything about that?

- No, I haven't spoke to her or heard from her.

- She has told me I am her ex-boyfriend,

and she wants me to move on so, y'know, I've done it.

I could have done it a lot earlier,

but I didn't want to be out of order.

What do you reckon? - I think that's it now, Mark.

You have got to leave her and let it be.

- And you and Lydia?

- I don't know, I still haven't spoken to her.

- You ain't gonna listen to my advice anyway, ain't ya?

You always follow your heart.

- Hi, take a flyer, it's Essex Fashion Week.

I would love you to come.

Hi, can I give you a flyer for Essex Fashion Week?

Thank you, at Faces on Monday.

Get all your friends to come down.

- Yeah cheers, thank you. - Okay.

- It's your cup of tea, innit?

- I've been waiting for a night like this for ages.

- Standing up there, a bit of James Dean, Frank Sinatra.

- Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra.

James Dean was an actor.

- Was he? Oh shit, shows how much I know.

You look like a penguin, mate.

- Oh shut up!

- Do I look like a penguin?

- You do, I just think you look like a penguin.

Nah, you're alright.

When your blazer is on, you look alright.

- Don't worry about me, Mark.

I'll get in there and I'll do my thing.

- Good man, I like the spirit.

- Hopefully that Amy bird is gonna appreciate

all this effort and time and trouble

you're putting into this.

- Hopefully she does.

I am putting some bloody effort into it.

- Has she got any ideas how hard you're working?

- Hopefully, y'know, I think I might have to get

a couple of black eyes for her to realise.

- Say this is all for you, darling.

- This is for you. - Yeah, it's all for you.

- I know, so I took her to the zoo.

- To the zoo? - Yeah.

- I wouldn't have thought she was the sort of bird

that would like that sort of thing.

- She like, dressed up as well.

Like, she had bloody leopard skin tights on.

- Oh shut up, did she?

- Fluffy coat on, zebra boots on.

- Oh no leave off.

- I slipped a cheeky little kiss in.

- You don't want to put her in a cage?

- I think so, actually.

- But uh she enjoyed it, y'know?

So I think it's time now I take her

where she wants to go, y'know?

- Right, which is what?

- One of them fancy restaurants up West,

and stuff like that.

- Yeah, that's the kind of bird I thought she was,

to be honest with you, but. - Yeah?

- Do you know what, in my experience I have got to

be honest, the better you treat them, the worse they get.

- Yeah.

- You just don't want to get in the position where,

y'know, you're running around like a blue arse fly

and you're doing everything for her, because then

it's gonna give her so much power over you.

- Yeah?

- And you don't need to be put in a position

where you're getting you're melon scrambled.

[upbeat music]

- What do you think?

- Love it, it's absolutely lovely.

- Yeah?

- It's perfect, It's 60s and it looks good, though, as well.

You don't think?

- No. - Why?

- Okay, I dunno, I want to go as something with you,

I need a bit of a double act with you, I think.

- What should we go as?

- Playgirl bunnies.

- We could do, couldn't we?

- That's quite a good one, isn't it? Playgirl bunnies.

- Yeah, but then that's not original, is it?

Everyone might go as that.

- No, but we will be different Playgirl bunnies.

We will be classy Playgirl bunnies.

Harry? - Beautiful.

- What do you think is gonna happen at the party,

then, with you and Kirk?

- I will probably have a snog again.

- Really? What about, like, after the party,

anything, do you reckon?

- Sam, what are you?

- I'm just asking you! - Are you for real, Sam?

- It's just a genuine question.

Do you think you will go home with him?

- I don't know, we'll see, I hope so.

- [Ben] Come on!

[intense hip-hop music]

- Right, I'm done, I'm done.

- Up! Medic!

♪ Feeling kind of, feeling kind of claustrophobic ♪

♪ You be all up on me like a sec hand spin ♪

♪ Feeling kind of, feeling kind of claustrophobic ♪

♪ The walls are closing, are closing in ♪

- Stop, stop there, done, ow.

- So, Maegan, how do you think that sounded?

- Really good, actually, they've put in a lot of effort

and energy in to the vocals so I know

we are gonna have a, y'know, great track at the end of it.

- I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I don't know heaps about music,

but I do listen to music and I love it,

and the sound of them, I just think they sound brilliant.

- They do.

- I think they're brilliant.

- Your ear's not lying.

- Hopefully yous can perform this good at the 60s party.

- Hopefully.

- As I am the one who has booked you and

I will end up running out with embarrassment if you don't.

- Cheeky sod!

- How you doing girls, you all right?

- Hello, all right!

- How's it going? - We're good.

- Hi, I'm Adam, nice to meet you.

- Sade.

- How's it going?

How's everything for the show?

- We've been flyering up and down the High Road.

Getting loads of people, getting the word out there.

- Brilliant.

I must appreciate everything you have done so far.

I mean, you're doing a fantastic job.

You should still think about maybe doing some modelling.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, I think you should, Lauren.

- I know, I am a bit nervous about it, obviously.

- You'll be a natural.

Have you girls got anything planned coming up?

- Well, tomorrow we are gonna this 60s party thing.

You should come.

- Really? - Yeah!

- Shall I come down? - Yeah, it'll be good.

Obviously, there will be drinks while I'm getting ready.

- I can come and pick you up or you girls up?

- Thanks.

- [Mark] So you would still work with her, right?

- Yeah, I don't see why not.

I think obviously it's gonna be very, very awkward

to work with someone that's your ex-girlfriend,

but it's business though.

If I have got to work with her then that's the way it is.

- Like I said, we're in Essex, it's like a bubble.

Everyone knows everyone, everyone's got an ex-boyfriend,

everyone's got an ex-girlfriend.

We're gonna bump into each other, so...

- Hello, Mark.

- Lydia, how are you?

- I'm good, how are you?

- Lydia that's Lucy, Lucy, that's Lydia.

- How are you? - Hello Lydia, how are you?

Nice to meet you.

- Ellie, Lucy, Lucy, Ellie.

How was Marbella?

- Oh my god, it was amazing.

We had such a fun time.

- Spoken to Arg?

- No, I haven't spoken to him, actually, have you?

- Well yeah, I see him every day.

- Yeah? How is he?

- He's all right, He's finally crack on--

- You will have to tell him I said hi

- Yeah, will do.

He has been doing all the singing and that.

We've been trying to get him some gigs.

He will be singing at some 60s party

that we're all going to.

- Yeah, I heard about that.

- We're going, aren't we, Lyd?

- Yeah, I was thinking about going.

- Well, it was lovely to see you girls.

- See you later. - See you later!

- Bye.

- That's Arg's ex.

- No way. - The blonde one, yeah.

- Oh my god.

- He still loves her so much, as well.

- Everyone from Essex will be there.

- They will, won't they?

- Mark's gonna be there, isn't he?

- He'll be there with his new girlfriend, Lucy.

- What are you gonna do?

- I'm not gonna do anything.

Lauren is gonna be there.

= Oh my god, it is a hundred percent gonna kick off.

- I'm not anything to do with it.

That is between Mark and Lauren and Lucy.

[phone ringing]

- Kirk.

Hi babes, sorry, I am not gonna be able

to take you to the 60s, I am bringing someone else.

What?

- You're joking, why would he do that?

Why would he say to you, let's go to the party together?

- I am just now, that's it.

- That's bang out of order.

♪ You fell like Heaven

- Whoa whoa whoa, what's going on here?

- I'm practising .

- You told me to dress up smart.

- Yeah, give me a chance,

I'll be ready in a couple of hours.

- Look at you, you scruffy fucker!

You look like you're going down Leyton High Road

for a shopping trip.

- Yeah give me a chance, I'll be ready in a minute.

- What's happening anyway?

How are you feeling about tonight?

- I don't know, I'm a bit nervous.

- Why? - I don't know.

It's a big occasion, ain't it?

It's a big thing for me.

- Are you ready to get more nervous?

- Why?

- Someone's coming.

- What do you mean, someone's coming?

- [Mark] Someone's definitely coming.

- Who?

- Lydia.

- Yeah, alright.

- Well, I want to tell you now because I want to

prepare you, because I don't want you to flop

while you're on stage.

- You mean she's definitely coming?

- She's definitely coming.

- This is bollocks.

- [Mark] Listen, I told you now, I weren't gonna tell you

but I thought I will be a pal because

if she walks in and you don't know about it

you will end up flopping.

- Why is she even coming?

- You tell me.

She obviously wants to see you, boy.

[upbeat music]

- Are you alright?

- Yeah, are you?

- Yeah, good, you ready? - Yep.

- You look hot Mrs. Cleavage, wait.

[laughs]

- What's Kirk's deal, what's he playing at?

- Do you know, I was so upset.

- I know you are.

- It's hit me right now, but I can deal with it, Sam.

If he wants to be with someone else, then he can meet

someone else, but I am so upset, though.

- He has took you on a date,

he has took you on a date and he has kissed you.

- I can't understand it, Sam.

When he walks in with a girl tonight can you just please,

sit with me, please, cause I will so be like...

- Listen, we are gonna be here for you, like,

throughout the whole night, I promise you.

- Promise.

Love you.

- Love you

- Stop being so dramatic.

- Shut up.

Mark, do you know how big a thing this is for me?

It is not about the singing, it's about Lydia.

About whether she is gonna turn up with someone,

or how she is gonna act when she gets here,

If she is gonna say hello to me.

- She won't turn up with another bloke, no way, no way.

She'll be looking to see you.

- I have gone so red, though, I look like a tomato.

I can't believe how red I have gone.

- You'll be fine, just relax.

- I know you're in love with her, And I know you miss her,

and you have not seen her for two months.

But it's not just about her.

You're here tonight to put on a performance for yourself.

Your business, the career you want to take,

the singing, being a wedding signer.

Stop worrying about this one girl.

There are plenty of girls here tonight.

Look in the mirror, you're a good looking boy.

- I know, but I ain't seen her for two months, have I?

- If she puts in a late appearance,

do you know why she is doing it?

'Cause of you.

So that have faith in yourself.

Don't think she don't want to be here, 'cause she does.

That's why she's coming.

I'm gonna impress her, I'm gonna impress her mum.

And if you want to get her back,

this is your chance to get her back.

- I felt really weird, like...

- At the end of the day,

you're a women, she's a girl.

You look 20,000 times better than her,

so don't even worry about it. - I felt like, proper old.

- But Lauren, you're not old.

You know, you're just a women like he said,

and she's a girl.

- I thought, what was I doing?

Like what was I doing?

I was 24, I was about to get married to him.

He has found an 18 year old little girl.

- But it's good to look back and just think,

what was I doing.

Maybe he's like sort of reminiscing about you,

when he first met you all those years ago.

He's kind of gone for someone that age.

- Yeah, but she's nothing like her.

- Weirdo.

- Yeah he's probably ain't even serious,

he is probably just going it because

he wants you and is trying to make you jealous.

- That aint gonna make me jealous.

- It's gonna backfire, it's gonna just backfire.

So from a boy's point of view, like,

I reckon he's mad over you still.

- Yeah, me too.

- Get someone half decent, like, competition.

- It's gonna be too little too late

when he finally comes back.

- Actually, it makes me feel sick.

- They're behind us. - Stop worrying.

- All in sequin dresses, it's like...

- Who cares?

- Not too bad.

- It's cold.

- That is it, they are all cold, aren't they.

- Not very tasty. - Nah.

- Not like yours.

- Oh no, better when they are nice and warm aren't they.

[classy music]

- Do you know what surprises me about Kirk?

Like, I really like Kirk but I just think to myself.

Like, he's walking in-- - Hi!

- Hello.

- This is my date for tonight, this is my mum.

- We've been worried!

- Sam, Harry.

- Hello, nice to meet you.

How are you?

- We were getting worried.

- What? What was you getting worried about?

- Do you like our wigs? - About you, give us a kiss.

- You look lovely, what's wrong with you?

- I was so upset because

I though you was bringing someone else.

- No I'm not, you're the only girl for me, you know that.

- I thought you was bringing someone else.

- I thought I would introduce you to me mum.

- I got a message from Kirk

and I thought he was bringing someone else, I was so upset.

- No, It was me.

- I said to Kirk that I couldn't wait to meet you.

- Yeah, you wanted to meet her as well didn't you.

- Yeah, I've always wanted to.

- You look really good blonde like that, a proper sort.

- Do you reckon? - Yeah, I definitely would.

So you got your eyes on anyone?

Who are you gonna dance with tonight?

- I'm dancing with Mark tonight.

- Are ya?

You're proper going for it, are ya?

Are you gonna show him your vajazzle?

- Yeah, show him my vajazzle.

- You got a new one, yet?

- Yeah, Amy's got one, Amy's got one.

- Oh, where?

- I ain't showing you.

- Why can't I get one?

- No, you can't!

- Yeah, do you one as well!

- Yeah. - We'll have none of that.

♪ What I want or I'm gonna have to beg ♪

♪ I can't live without you

♪ I can't live without you

- Hello, Lucy. - How are you?

- Alright. Do you want a drink?

- Yes, please. - You look nice.

- When you're ready, what do you want?

- The ladies.

- Oh no, here we go.

- Oh shit.

- I know you don't like the confrontation.

Just don't worry, alright.

- Say hello?

- I'm not saying hello.

- You all right, Lauren?

- Alright?

- How are you? - Good.

- I interviewed you, didn't I?

- Yep.

- How did you get in tonight, have you got ID?

- Why are you saying that?

- Oh, let's just walk off.

- This is over 21s.

- Yes she is, just walk off don't, come on.

- How embarrassing. - Just walk off.

- Obviously I'm over 21 otherwise

I wouldn't be standing at the bar.

- Why do rise to it? Just walk off.

If she's gonna be immature about it again.

Let's go, come on.

- I thought it was gonna be some amazing model.

Like into fashion, and she's so ugly.

Sorry, that's really bad.

He will never ever do better than me.

♪ You're star of the show

♪ You'll always be the one

♪ To have a place in the sun

♪ Cause you got you

♪ Hey pretty baby

♪ Come and save me

- Alright? - You all right, babe?

- You had a good night? - Yeah, have you?

- No, no you fucking mugged me off.

No, no, honestly, get of me.

Do you think you can fucking mug me off?

Truthfully? Did you come up to me mates?

- No.

- Are you with your mates tonight?

- Did you come up to me? - No babe, listen.

- Do you think I should come up to you?

- Right, no, I don't think you should come up to me.

- What my friends are dancing next to me.

- This ain't nothing to me, are you with your mates now?

- Why are you showing me up?

- Cause you've fucking showed me up!

Are you with your mates?

- No, what, Sam and Harry?

- Then fucking stick with them!

- You didn't dance with me.

- Amy, yeah, but I didn't dance with you.

- Did you dance with me?

No, but did I tell you to go dance with a fucking geezer?

Jumping up on the stage and flutting about,

that ain't what I do.

- What, Agy, Argent?

- Amy, the whole thing, that ain't me.

I wouldn't stand for a girl who flirts like that.

It's embarrassing.

- Well, come and sit next to me then?

- I'm fucking standing here.

You choose to dance with another geezer, it ain't me.

It's fucking embarrassing, everyone is looking at me

saying why isn't she fucking dancing with you.

I wanna know, I am gonna leave.

You're going home with your mates, honestly.

- Well, why didn't you dance with me then?

[slow music]

- Hello, James. - Hello, Lyd.

- How are you?

- Good, you? - Yeah, I'm good.

- You look beautiful, by the way.

- Thank you.

- I'm sorry for what happened in Spain, Lyd.

- It's all right.

What you did is wrong, but I don't want you to

feel like you can't even say hello to me

when you see me out.

It's alright.

Honestly, I was hurt.

I'm still hurt now, but I got over it.

- What do you mean, you got over it?

- I think that all of my feelings have gone.

I've got no trust for you whatsoever.

I've questioned the whole relationship.

- Well, why are you questioning our relationship.

I've never ever cheated on you before.

- Yeah, well, in my eyes, once a cheat, always a cheat.

- Lydia, It wasn't like that.

It wasn't like I just cheated on you, was it?

It was like we were arguing, and we was on a break.

And you told me you didn't want to be with me

and you didn't love me anymore.

- No, I didn't! - Yeah you did, Lyd.

That's why I kissed a girl at the Ocean Club,

and I regretted it, and then...

- Yeah but we argue all the time, but you just,

you don't do things like that.

Every time we argue, I'm not gonna kiss another boy, am I?

- Yeah, I know Lyd, but I slipped up, I was drunk.

I didn't mean anything by it.

Do you reckon there is gonna be a chance

of us getting back together, Lyd?

- Do you know, I think what we had like two years,

that sort of relationship, I think that I always

used to see myself being with you,

but at the moment I don't see anything.

Sorry, have a nice night.

♪ Cause you want me to

♪ I'd spend every day where I belong ♪

♪ Right next to you

- I want to be with him Ju, but he's like,

he's trying to make it like, it's me all the time.

It's not me.

- It isn't you Amy, it's just Kirk.

He is very sensitive, that's all it is.

You've just got to get used to it a little bit,

he's just a very sensitive little boy.

Don't worry, just calm yourself down.

- I'll talk to him later, but he just makes me so angry

and everything, Ju.

- Yes, he gets angry, but once he calms down

he will realise, you know he will be alright.

Don't worry, just calm yourself down.

- Okay, thank you, I am going home now.

- Okay, take care.

[sombre music]

- What happened?

- She said she doesn't.

She just said that at this time she doesn't.

She's not really looking to get back with me at all.

- I promise you, I promise you right now,

if it's real love it will come back, I promise you.

We're in it together, yeah? - Yeah.

- Give me a cuddle.

I am here for you, you know that.

- Yeah, I know.

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Next time on The Only Way is Essex.

Could this be the end for Kirk and Amy?

Can Nanny Pat's cooking cure James's broken heart?

Will Lauren ever be able to move on from Mark?

And will Harry every stop doing the splits?

Who knows?

They're real people and anything can happen

on The Only Way is Essex.