Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] This programme contains flash cars,

big watches, and false boobs.

The tans you see might be fake but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up purely

for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex...

- [Photographer] Are your boobs real or fake?

- They are fake.

- Do you want people to have your pictures

just 'cause you've got your bangers out?

- It's time for you to find out which male models

are gonna be suitable for this event.

- [Courtney] We're going for a meeting at Universal Records.

[champaign popping]

[girls squealing]

- If you don't care about me anymore, move on.

- That's a bad answer. I'll see ya later.

- Hello, Mark.

[theme song]

The only way is up, baby,

for you and me now.

- So can I have that a ping pong ball,

'cause I gotta show you what I can do with a ping pong ball.

- I bet there's plenty you can do

with a ping pong ball, isn't there, Amy?

[laughs]

- I sure can, honey.

- And you?

- Not just a ping pong ball.

[laughs]

- Harry loves balls.

- Oh, fuck off.

[laughs]

- I was Essex county champion.

- Oh God!

- You should be in the Olympics next year.

- Oh, shut up!

- Oh, how funny.

- How funny.

- How funny.

So, are you looking forward to your date today at the zoo?

- Can't wait, honey.

- Oh, how funny.

- Be so funny.

- So you've changed your tune, then?

- Yeah, but I rather go and watch X Factor or something.

Now that's quite romantic isn't it, the zoo?

[laughs]

- I have really good aim. - Agh!

[laughs]

- Hit you in the nin. [laughs]

- Right, okay.

Essex Fashion Week, fast approaching.

We gotta make sure everything's on point.

How's it all going with the location?

- Sorted that out.

Faces Nightclub absolutely love the idea.

- Okay.

- And they've done fashion shows there before

so lights and everything I think will be amazing, as well,

'cause you gotta think about that.

- Okay.

- And space, obviously they've gotta put a catwalk

in there and stuff like that.

- Yeah.

- I've still got women's clothes ranges coming in,

so I'm really excited about that.

They're coming in today.

- Wicked.

Do you know what you're wearing?

- No.

- Gonna have to get something amazing, dunno.

- Have you got any ideas?

- I haven't got a clue yet.

[gasps of pain]

- Oh, fuck.

Oh no.

- Pain is beauty.

- Yeah, no, Mark keep's going on.

He's trying to sort me out, Amy.

He wants me to find a new bird.

- Hmm.

- Ow!

- What happened at speed dating the other night?

You met a nice girl there, didn't you?

- Mmm, yeah.

- She was having her boobs done.

She was having everything done, wasn't she?

- Mmm. Dunno, I'm still sort of getting over

my ex-girlfriend, Lydia.

- You've gotta do what you've gotta do,

no one can tell you, not even Mark.

- No. But Mark's seeing someone else.

[gasps]

- No.

- Yeah. She seems quite nice, though.

- Pretty?

- Yeah, she is pretty, yeah.

- Aww, well Mark's not gonna pull an ugly bird, is he?

[laughs]

[dial tone]

- Hi Mark, you alright?

- Hi Lucy, baby, you all right?

- Yeah, good, thank you, you?

- What you up to?

- I'm just at work.

- What you doing later?

- I've got that meeting I was telling you about,

for Essex Fashion Week.

- All right, cool. Well, if you want

I'll pick you up from there.

Save you getting the train home.

- Oh yeah, that would be really good

if you would pick me up.

- Yeah, all right, well I'm seeing you later

for a drink, so I'm looking forward to it.

- I'll see you later then, Mark.

- All right then, babe, listen, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

- All right, see you later, bye.

[gasp of pain]

- So, Arg, your back's all done.

Now we just gotta do your second crack.

- Oh God.

[laughs]

- What you got, Nan?

- Nice Shepard's pie that I've made you.

- Oh, that looks amazing.

- For your lunch.

- Homemade dinners for once.

- Look at that, beautiful.

- She knows, our grandma, doesn't she?

[laughs]

- Thanks, Nan.

- Talk to me about Lola.

- We still obviously need management,

and hopefully see how it goes from there

in record label, you know?

- You've been told by the record label

that you need to be doing gigs, right?

- Yeah.

- 'Cause at the moment, currently, our company

is very big in London, and we know

all the club owners, all the club promoters

and whatever else.

Wherever you wanna perform, we can sort that out.

- Well, be her manager. - Because you don't seem to --

- Well, I know that. I've said it to her

but she's hesitating.

- Be her manager.

- Nan, seriously, come on.

- Really, why not?

- Could I do it?

- Yes, I think he could.

- Well I know full well, me being in charge

of your band, booking things, booking gigs -

there's no one better in the game than me.

Obviously there is people who are,

you know, like Simon Cowell, people like that,

but I'm talking about at this level you're at now,

just to get yourself out there.

You should just let me do it.

- Well, I'll need to talk

to the other girls about it, definitely.

- So, when I was waxing Arg, he told me

such a big bit of gossip.

- Go on.

- I can't believe he told me.

- I love gossip.

- Mark's with a girlfriend.

- Who?

- Who do you think?

He said they met in Marlborough, they get on really well.

- Oh, Lucy.

- He asked me about her in Marlborough.

And he was like, "Oh, are you friends with her?"

- Oh whatever, she's not a friend, is she really,

for doing that to you?

- It's his choice, isn't it?

- I bet that if I went out with one his mates

he wouldn't like it.

- Yeah. Good luck.

- Good luck.

- Go!

- Go on, then!

[laughs]

- Come on!

- That's it!

- Come on, pooch! Come on!

- That's a good girl.

- Let's go!

- Come on, pooch!

- Pooch, come on!

- Yay!

[laughs]

- Come on, then!

- So is this what you're wearing for the date?

- Yes, got another jacket to go over it.

- You do look nice, but you're going out on a date.

- Yeah, but I'm going to the zoo.

Not gonna wear a whistle, am I?

- God, this is like proper first-date territory.

- I do feel like I'm at the first

day of school or something.

- Do you know, with penguins, when they mate

that's it for life, with penguins.

- Well, that's one good kisser.

- Okay, little bit of advice: no tongue straightaway.

- Oh I'm good with that, though.

- All we want, us girls, is a little bit of lip-on-lip

action, just to start with.

- Is that what you girls want, what, together,

the lip-on-lip action?

[laughs]

- And then, you slowly introduce the whole tongue thing.

- Can I put my hand on her bum?

- You can put your hand on her boob, for all I care.

- Yeah!

[claps]

[laughs]

- All right, I've spoke to the girls.

- Mmmhm.

- And we're gonna put you on a trial.

- Oh!

- Put me on a trial?

- Yeah, we're gonna put you on a trial.

Well, you've gotta be fair. That's what you

normally do with management, you have them on a trial.

- All right, yeah, whatever.

I don't want contracts signed anyway,

just in case you end up being horrific.

So --

[laughs]

I'll start getting the gigs, if it don't work,

then go and ask someone else to do it.

- You got your wish then, Nan.

We're gonna be working together.

- Yes, definitely. Oh I'm so proud of the two of you.

Let's hope you make a go of it.

No arguments.

[laughs]

- Jess, trust me, you will not be sorry.

- I hope you're right.

- No one's ever sorry when they turn me on.

You gotta be practising , 'cause you gotta

record your first songs.

- Well, obviously we are. Yeah, we've learnt the song.

- And that's another thing, if I see you're not

practising , and not resting with a cup of tea at home,

I'll be putting a ruckus right up your asshole.

- Oh, really?

[laughs]

- You're like the wildest woman here,

with that clothes you got on?

- Do you think so?

- Yeah, look! You got all these different animals on.

- I think I'm dressed for the occasion.

- Do you not think I am?

- I think you look like a zookeeper.

- You think?

- Yeah, big time.

- Look at that rhino!

- That's an elephant, you nutter.

Look, there, look, there's a rhino.

- Ohhh. - They're smaller.

Can you not tell the difference?

- I'm so blonde, babe.

- Look at the giraffes.

- Look at that zebra, it's got the same boots as me.

- They're a different colour.

- No, look at that one!

- White and black.

- No, it's not. Are you colour blind?

That's the same colour as my boots.

Look it, they're lovely.

- Where'd you think that poo's come from, what one of them?

- Ohhh, shush.

You glad you took me on a date?

- Yeah, I'm glad you said yes.

I've been waiting for ages.

- Hmm. Good.

- Do you want a balloon?

Can I have a balloon, please, mate?

Can have whatever one you want.

- Can I have one that matches my boots, please?

- This one.

- Thank you. - There you go, mate.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you.

Hold that a bit higher.

It's right embarrassing.

Everyone's looking at us.

[laughs]

Do you want me to hold it for ya?

- Yeah.

- If you hold it a bit higher --

- Why don't you put it on your wrist, Kirk?

- 'Cause I'm not twelve.

[laughs]

- Should we go look at some other animals?

- Yeah, I'm getting a bit bored of the rhino-sauruses.

- Rhinoceros. All right, let's have a look about.

[beer cap opening]

- Cheers, mate.

So, Arg, talk to me. You just don't seem yourself.

What is it that's on your mind, is it Lydia?

- Yeah.

- All right, so you need to tell me,

you need to be honest with me.

'Cause when you're saying, "Oh, I dunno if I wanna

be with her anymore."

- No. I still love her, Mark.

But I think I've left it too late.

- Listen, when you think you love someone, set it free.

If it don't come back, it was never love to begin with.

So if she don't come back, it was never love.

Then you know.

- Well come on then, tell me more about

this bird from Marlborough.

You gotta tell me about her.

- Well, you saw her, didn't ya?

- Yeah, I know she's a pretty girl,

but I never gotta talk to her.

- I dunno, I was standing at the pool party

and she just walked past me.

And I just automatically said, who's that?

And you know who I asked?

- Who?

- Sam Faiers, right.

'Cause she said hello to her.

I said, who's that?

And Sam said, oh that's a girl who used to go to my school.

- Yeah.

- And I was like, what? I was like, oh really?

- And she went, why, do you fancy her?

She said something like that

- And I was like, shit. Touchy subject.

So I had to just say no, you know.

- Then what happened? You started chatting to her?

- I started chatting to her a little bit, but she,

mate, she proper played it cool.

And it shocked me.

She was just like, you all right? And that's it.

I could get a few words out of her, and I say

see you later.

So, game on.

- So, thanks for coming in. - No worries.

- Just tell me a little bit about your clothes and stuff.

- Basically, we use very heavily embellished beaded things.

- So what celebrities have worn your dresses before?

- Paris Hilton.

- You are all set.

- Cameron Diaz.

- Very glitz, glamour.

- Cheryl Cole on the X Factor.

- Sexy, sassy.

- Jennifer Aniston.

- Sexy.

- Lindsay Lohan.

- Bright, bold.

- Sexy, but smart.

- Gorgeous.

- The Essex girls.

- Glitzy.

- Legs out, yeah. - Legs on display.

- This is Essex Fashion Week.

- So you couldn't wear any underwear, then?

- Yeah it's nicer when it's on.

- Look at this big geezer here.

- Where?

- Look at him.

- Oh, look!

- It's huge.

- Oh, look at him, Kirk.

[raps on glass]

Hello!

- Hello, mate!

- You've got the same hair.

- Did you see me in the article the other day?

- No, what for? - In the paper.

- They said that I was really orange.

I was orange like honey-roast ham.

Did you see that?

- No.

- At least I'm not as orange as him.

- No, you're not. You're nice.

He wants a kiss, give him a kiss.

- If I get my belly out, I bet he'll love it.

- He'll like your belly button, give him your belly.

- What do you think?

- I think he wants to rip your trousers off.

- Oh, look at him looking.

Lalalalala!

- He's writing to us, he's trying - look!

- Ohh!

[laughs]

- Aww.

- Give him a kiss, he's asking for a kiss.

- Come on, then.

[kissing the glass]

Oh, look!

- That's not fair, though, is it?

- Are you jealous, that he fancies me?

- I think I'm gonna have to put up a fight

with this geezer, first, don't I?

- Why don't you get in the cage and bang him out?

- 'Cause he's a big geezer, and I'll reckon he'll have me.

[knocking on door]

- Hi! - Hiya! How are you?

- Good, thanks, you?

- Good.

- Put them up here?

- Yeah.

- Sorry, my name's Lucy.

- Lauren.

[chill music]

[muffled chatting]

- Rocky, but sort of sexy.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

[muffled chatting]

- I look forward to working with you.

- Aw, you too.

- See you soon! - Thank you, thanks a lot!

- All right?

- How'd it go?

- I think on the business side, it went really really well,

but I wasn't expecting her, so.

- Who?

- Lauren.

- No way.

- I didn't even know the name,

or anything, when I turned up, so.

- Oh my god.

- I know that she's your ex-girlfriend, but.

[theme song]

- Hey look, you get to see the sea lions now.

- They're so nice, aren't they?

- Nice, isn't that?

- How lovely is it in here?

- Nice, isn't it? Bit romantic, isn't it?

- How romantic it is in here.

- Have you had a good time?

- Really good time. Thank you so much.

I was saying it, wasn't I?

- You was. You made me feel bad,

I was only trying to be nice.

- Honestly, I've been saying it for ages.

- Have you been mugging me off to your mates?

- No, I just didn't think it was a date,

but now I'm here, I think that it's lovely.

- We can do normal things after, you know?

- I should say, like, sorry for what I've done to you.

And like, I've not trusted you or nothing.

- You've gotta trust me.

- I want to. Like, more than anything.

- You sure?

- But I want you to be with me, and only me.

- I'm gonna, and you know that.

I'm gonna change now, and you're the one for me.

- Are you, are you serious about me then?

- Yeah.

- Hundred percent? You're not gonna be with no other girls?

- No. I don't wanna kiss them, either.

- Promise.

- I promise.

- Okay.

[romantic music]

- So you had a good time, yeah?

- Babe, I've had an amazing time, thank you so much.

- Got your balloon and everything, eh?

- Babe, you looked after me so much today.

- That's what I wanna do.

I wanna look after ya.

Hey look at the penguins.

- Gorgeous, honey.

- Now, we are going to put together

a shoot for you.

I would like to do a make-over on you, as well.

- Yes!

- Yes!

- Whoo! Whoo!

[laughs]

- I like what I see, but I see a] too much makeup;

it looks too slutty, skanky.

[gasping and laughter]

- But, you know, we're from Essex?

- Yeah, but the thing is though,

you don't need to look like that.

What I'm looking at, is I'm looking at you as a group.

- Yeah.

- Okay, whether you like it or not.

And you'll find this: you'll go to shoots

that I'm styling and I'll put you in stuff,

and you'll go "I wouldn't wear that."

Tough shit.

You're wearing it, because that's exactly what your job is.

You gotta remember you're a product, and I am part of that.

Can you do me favour and stand up, please?

Cool. Turn around, please.

There we go.

Cool, okay, have a seat.

So, you're all averaging a size six,

eight,

ten,

ten,

- Twelve.

Ten/twelve, yeah.

- Okay, that's fine. - Six, I wish!

Feeling naked. No man sat next to me.

I believe there was meant to be someone here

who represents or manages you.

- Yeah, my brother Mark.

He was supposed to be here.

He's on a week's trial for managing us

and he's not doing very well so far,

so that's probably gonna be --

- Well, on his first day, he's done

the worst job ever, by not turning up.

- Exactly.

- Let me give you a piece of advice,

from someone who's been in the industry,

longer than your eyelash's been stuck to your eyebrow:

Don't be late for anything.

In this industry, if you're late,

you won't get touched again.

- No. - Yeah.

- And we don't want that, do we,

at the start of your career?

- No. - Definitely not.

- No.

No.

No. - No.

Okay. Well, what else I do

apart from styling, obviously, is manage people

and talent as well.

Whatever happens, you know you can call me

if you need any help or advice. Okay?

- Thank you.

Well we definitely will need that.

- Yeah, definitely.

- Well I was on Page 3, and my dad

actually took it to work and showed his friends.

- Really?

- Well it wasn't like, "look at that!",

it was "Oh, look, my daughter's --"

- Proud, yeah.

And at first, I was like, oh my gosh, like,

I'm a parent, is this embarrassing?

And then I did it and I was like --

- But at the end of the day, Maria --

- It's something to be proud of because it's so hard.

- Most of the parents are proud,

because there's so much competition.

There's so many girls that wanna do it.

For you to get in there and actually do it,

and make the Page 3, and make the dad's mags --

- For you to get on Page 3,

is like your son, is like, playing for Chelsea.

- Yeah. Yeah. - You know?

That's an achievement.

So, anyway.

- Yeah?

- So, Mark? Looking well.

- He's got a new girlfriend, as well.

- Did you not know?

- I am, probably 110% sure that it's this Lucy girl

that I used to go to school with.

And because he commented about her in Marlborough.

So, I'm sure, so sure it's her.

- But do you think Lauren knows?

- No. We don't even know.

- Do you think I should tell her?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- I'm seeing her later.

- Are you?

- No?

- Are you seeing Lauren later?

- Yeah, more couture. Which is more what I see

about you, as well.

- Oh.

- How you doing, mate? You all right? I'm Mark.

- Hello, Mark. Julian, how are you, darling?

- Nice to meet you, mate.

- You're their manager, I believe? Or...

- Potentially.

- Potentially?

- Well, Mark, like --

- I mean this late, there's not gonna be potential --

- Seriously.

- I didn't wanna be early, 'cause I didn't

wanna come in and see everything.

- You knew full well what time we were getting here

and then you decide to come like really, really late.

- How about if I told you a got two gigs for you tonight?

And paying gigs, as well.

- Well.

- My only concern is that the girls were meeting me

for the first time, and it's important

as a manager that you're here for that

because my time is precious.

From what I've heard, they've given you

a week trial, so in my eyes, you need to be there

right at the start of the day.

You need to prove to them that you're capable

of doing the job, 'cause someone else will snap 'em up.

- Like, seriously. You're so late.

- Just remember girls, you're being a bit harsh,

it's day one. Let's speak later, and we'll sort it out.

But I've gotta go, so I'll see you all later.

- Ohh.

- You're leaving? Right, okay. - Bye.

[music]

- See I've organised this new fashion show.

It's Essex Fashion Week.

- Yeah, well I'd definitely love to get involved,

obviously like, I've got some beautiful girls, anyway.

- Yeah.

- Have you got any male models?

- Yes.

- You'd get some really good looking guys, now.

- Yeah, my boyfriend. He'll do it!

[laughs]

He's about a six foot two.

Have you invited Mark to modelling?

- Uh, no no no. I'm not gonna invite Mark.

[laughs]

- Are you, like, totally -- ?

- I am moving on, so, you know,

it's his loss at the end of the day.

- 'Cause I was with like Sam and Amy

earlier, and they said something about Mark.

And obviously, like, as a friend to you,

that I'm gonna tell you.

Apparently, like, apparently, I've never met her,

but he's got a new girlfriend.

- Oh, really?

- Oh, I feel really bad. She's called Lucy.

- Lucy?

- I don't know. I think she works in fashion.

Don't know.

[music]

- To Lucy!

[laughing]

- You alright?

- You look nice.

- Thank you.

Come on.

[laughing]

- Oh my god.

Alright, Mark?

- Maria, you alright?

- She's the one I interviewed. For the fashion thing.

I thought she was like sixteen!

[laughs]

- What do you want?

- Wine, please.

- I thought, oh, bless her, she's really young

and like, sweet and orange.

- And orange!

[laughs]

- You all right?

- I feel really awkward.

- Why was I with him? Why was I with him?

- You're very quiet, Lucy.

- Do you blame me?

- No.

- Don't worry about it.

- How can he do that?

- What do you think I should do?

Do you think I should go over there?

- I dunno.

- Seriously.

Get on with it.

Goodbye.

- Whatever you think's fine.

- What would you do?

- I don't know.

- Just go over there.

- What?

- Just go over there.

- All right, I'm gonna go over there.

I'll see you in a minute. You wanna stand here?

- Yeah, yeah.

- If he dares come to talk to me.

- Are you gonna talk now, normally?

- How could you bring another girl in here?

- I didn't know you were gonna be here.

Did I? - Really?

- It's Essex. - Is this what you're doing?

- I'm coming to explain that I'm so sorry

about what just happened.

I don't usually say that, but then again,

you're swapping numbers with a guy

on a speed-dating session.

- Really?

Really?

The lies, the cheat, the abuse, the text's.

Get back from me.

- I'm not here to argue.

- I'm not arguing.

- Your friends are here and they don't need to be involved.

I'm just coming to say, I'm trying to be a gentleman,

and just say, look, I'm sorry for what you've just seen.

I never meant it to happen, I didn't know

you were going to be here.

- But you don't mean that. You know exactly

what you're doing. You know you're hurting me.

- I know you're in here?

- Yes. - Do I?

How do I know you're in here?

- You know.

- Well let me just get something clear, right.

You said to me, it's over, you're moving on.

I asked you one question about speed-dating.

Can I go on dates, can I start seeing people?

Your answer is this: yeah, do what you want.

- Okay.

And do you know what that means? Go away from me,

you absolute scum bag.

- Shh!

- Lauren, you're my ex-girlfriend.

- Go away, then. - You should go!

- If you're gonna be childish about, do it.

- Go away, then. - Okay, bye!

- You let yourself down, big time.

[music]

- She was just nasty about it.

She just went, "Go away, I don't want to talk to you."

- That it?

- Ugh.

[sniffles]

- [Narrator] Next time, on The Only Way is Essex:

Can Lauren forget Mark, and find a new man?

Did Mark and Lucy get serious?

Can Harry get through a whole show

without saying, "Oh, shut up."

Who gets to taste Nanny Pat's toad in the hole?

Who knows? They're real people.

- Oh, shut up!

And anything can happen,

on The Only Way is Essex.

[music]