All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S01E02.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track4_[eng]

big watches and false boobs.

The tans you see might be fake
but the people are all real,

although some of what they
do has been set up purely

for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is
Essex.

- What's a vajazzle?

- I've got nothing against
Lauren

but your relationship is a joke.

- It's a bit like a rainbow
at the minute honey.

Not a rainbow but-

- No, it doesn't.

- You know about my
birthday at Sugar Hut, yeah?

- Yeah.

- [Lauren] Are you comin'?

- Erm, I don't totally know yet.

- Babe, can I ask for a favour?

- Yeah.

- Can you have a tattoo of my
name on you?

- Ahhhh no, don't know.
- [Amy] Please.

- That's a big step isn't it?
- [Amy] Oh my god please.

- I still do fancy Lauren
and I still do love her,

whether I think we're right for
each other

is a different story.

- Have you spoken to Mark or
anything?

- No, not really.

- Oh my god, did you snog him?

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Essex girl, like, isn't
it in the dictionary?

Apparently it's in the
dictionary now.

- What is?

- Essex girl.

It's actually in the
dictionary and it says-

- Glamorous.
- No.

- They right slag us off?
- They slag us off.

- Shut up, you're having me on.

I thought it meant like classy.

- No, complete opposite.

It's like stilettos, men.

- But, but the person that's
obviously done the dictionary,

who is it?

- I don't know.

- I think, I think, I'm being
serious.

Well, is he from Essex,
or is he from wherever?

'Cause if he's not-

- [Sam] Well, obviously
he's not from Essex.

- If he's from Liverpool
or from Manchester,

then obviously they're
gonna write something.

If they were from Essex,
they wouldn't write that.

Slated.

- Come on then, tell
me about you and Kirk,

what's been happening?

- I don't know, we've just gotta
see.

- Everyone can see though
how much he likes you.

He's like "Amy, give me a kiss."

- Yeah and that, yeah, but
that's--

- Do you know what I mean?

He can't keep his hands off you.

- He can't have any other
girls to do that with.

Like you say he's got me there.

That's what I think anyway.

I shouldn't be like that

but I think like that
sometimes from of him.

- But he wants you to feel
privileged,

that you're his number
one girl in the same day.

But you should turn
around and go "look no,

unless you wanna be with me
properly,

I'm not doing this."

- [Amy] Yeah.

- Childish game, I'm not
playing games with you.

That's what you should say to
him.

[buzzing]

[groaning]

- You all right?

- Yes, it bloody hurts.

- So, have you got any
plans for any other tattoos?

- I think now I'm just gonna
wait for a meaningful one,

if you know what I mean.

Girl's names and whatnot.

That's if anything gets
serious, then I'll go onto that.

- So whose name?

- The name is Amy, it's Amy, you
know.

It's a small name so
it's easily covered up.

- You wouldn't do it
like on your ring finger

or anything like that.

- I would actually do that if
I got married to the person.

- Really?

- If, if, if I knew she
was gonna be me wife

then I would put the name,
the name on that finger.

But I think, then again
that's a really big step,

bcause if I ever get remarried
I don't think my new wife

would ever think about putting

a ring on a finger with
another girl's name.

- True.

So what do you think she would
think

to you having a lady on your
leg?

- To be honest, it looks
a little bit like her.

If she likes me she should like
my tattoos

at the end of the day.

- That's very true.

- How's it looking
though, is it all right?

- Yeah, have a look.

- Oh that does look good.

[upbeat music]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- You all right, Mark.
- All right.

- Why haven't you rung me back?

- I've been busy Lauren.

What's the matter anyway, you
cool?

- Yeah I'm all right, just
a bit annoyed with you.

But um, just want to know what's
going on about my birthday.

- Um, alright, I'm gonna try and
come.

If something comes up then...
- No, no, no.

- [Mark] ...you know something
comes up,

I just don't have to let you
down.

- That, that's what I'm
saying, so don't let me down.

I need to know what time you're
gonna be there and stuff,

and I want a definite answer.

I don't want a get there
and be like is he there,

is he coming or is he not
coming?

- Okay.

- I wanna know, and you should
be able to commit to that

as you've done for the last nine
years.

- All right, I'll be there.

- So what time?

- I've gotta go.

I've just got a knock at the
door.

I'll speak to you in
a minute alright, bye.

- Oh, bye.

- Hello Mark, alright,

I've brought you some
sausage plaits, alright.

- Oh lovely me favourite. How
you doing?

- Lovely, you?

- Love you.

[music]

- Tonight we've got Lauren's
birthday.

That's our key thing tonight
but, uh...

- How many people are you
expecting?

- I'm hoping between 6 to 800,
got um

- Got a big guest list?

- Yeah, I've got Amy and Sam
doing

the guest list tonight so, uh...

- Did you get the, did
you get the tattoo done?

- Yeah I got it, I got it, I got
it,

I've not shown it yet.

- Well, show it to me first.

- Do you wanna see it?

- Yes.

- You know, it hurts.

- Oh.

- Right, I know it looks like
her.

- Oh my god.

- But it was a coincidence,
right?

- Okay, wow, that really looks
like her.

- Do you know what though?

I dunno, I dunno whether to show
her,

'cause now it's gonna look like
that.

So I'm in two minds about
showing her.

- Well, you can't not show her.

It's obviously not something
that you can

avoid talking about.

Maybe the course of true love
runs in your veins, literally.

- And you know what I've
had to say, as well.

I've had to think, I've
got to, uh, shave the legs,

because obviously it's gonna be
hairy.

So, I'm just gonna have to
shave the tattoo, aren't I?

Because otherwise I'm gonna
have a hairy bird on me leg.

- Oh, it will look like
Amy has a beard. [Laughs]

- [Laura] I've been
looking through my dresses.

I've decided what I'm going
to wear to your party.

- What are you going to wear?

- It's a really nice gold, sort
of bandage, strapless dress.

- That sounds lovely, Laura.

- Yeah, no it's really nice.

- Yeah, I can't wait I'm gonna
wear,

like, this really, sort of like
sparkly,

sort of little dress.

- Ahh nice.

- I hope it goes well, but, um,
yeah,

Mark's sister, Jess, is
singing with the band LOLA.

- Oh really?

- They're meant to be
wicked, so I can't wait.

- Okay, so that's Mark's sister?

- Yeah.

- So, what's going on
with you and Mark then?

Update me.

- Oh god. Well, he's meant to be
coming

but I'm sort of like,

in limbo at the minute
with what's he's doing.

'Cause he's too busy

and he's acting a bit like an
idiot to be honest with you.

- Oh wow.
- It's stupid.

- He needs to grow up.
- He does.

It's make or break now, like,
for about my birthday for us.

I'm putting my foot down, 'cause
I'm not having it anymore.

- Yeah, I don't blame you

and you shouldn't have
to put up with it Lauren.

I think he really needs
to wake up and realise

what he's got before its too
late.

- All this messing about,
I just, it's upsetting me

and I don't wanna be upset on my
birthday.

- Yeah, of course.

You don't need to be upset
on your birthday, Lauren.

- And I'm gonna put my foot
down and be like, look.

- You should do.

You're a strong girl, and I
think,

I think you need to be with him.

- Yeah.

- You need to tell him.
- Yeah, exactly.

- Don't put up with any rubbish
from Mark.

- No.

- [Laura] Just don't.

- So, how you been getting on,
Mark?

- Yeah alright, Nan, just busy.

- Oh good, good.

- Hm. Busy with the work and
whatever

and the promoting and the...

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Behaved yourself?

- Yeah I bet. [Laughs]

- Always do, Nan, you know that.

- I've got Lauren's
birthday party tonight.

I'm just wondering, like,
you know, what I'm gonna do.

She wants me to turn up
with her, and all that.

I think I'm getting a hint that
way, so.

- Well, you've been with her
for a long while, haven't you?

- If I was to get back with
her, I'm thinking about,

you know, making it proper
and proposing to her.

So it's not just a this
petty relationship thing.

- Well, what do you really
want though Mark, or anything?

- I don't know, Nan,
I'm confused, you know?

When we're together, we're
arguing but...

- Yeah.

- There must be something
there, 'cause you know,

I always go back and I do fancy
her.

- That's right.

You're always backwards and
forwards with her, aren't you?

It's what you feel in yourself.

- Is there any celebs on the
guest list?

- Er, let's have a little look.

I don't think so.

Let me see.

- And why are Universal here?

- Universal A & R are here
to see the band, to see Lola.

- Oh.

- [Candy] So, obviously this is
like a

showcase for them, isn't it?

- Right.

You've got a good crowd,
if they've got, if,

they're selling, if the
crowd from that guest list

is all gonna turn up,

they've got a good crowd
to perform to I guess.

- And I know that the band
have obviously brought

their own guest lists as well.

Let's hope that they've brought
down-

- A good crew.
- As many as that.

- I'm so nervous, I actually am,

I feel like I'm getting a cold.

- [Megan] It's nerves. It's
stress, yeah.

- Typical, and the biggest gig
we've got.

- We should have steamed this
morning.

- [Jess] Just think to yourself,

when you're out there tonight,

"this is the biggest
thing we've ever done.

Be sexy, be confident."

Just think like, proper think

through all the dance moves,

think about what you're singing.

Don't look anyone in the eye
because

it's just gonna put you off,
especially people you know.

And just think: "do you know
what?

We got one shot, just give it,
just absolutely go for it".

- Alright girls.
- [All] Hello.

- How's it going?

- Good, thank you.

- Are you nervous?

- [All] Very.

- Well, I saw the guest list,
I don't know if you know,

er, you've got two, Universal
A & R reps coming down here.

- Oh my God!

- [Man] So, I thought
I'd run up and tell you.

Just give it more nerves for
you.

- Oh my God.

- Enjoy it.

I'll see you all later on, ta,
ta, bye.

- Bye.

- Oh my god.
- Oh my god.

- We'll be fine.

Be confident, we can do it.

- All right, girls, seriously
performance of our lives.

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- He, um, you know how
he told us the other day

about the tattoo?

- Yeah.

- He went and got it done.

- Is this literally his attempt
to

woo her back by drawing her up
his leg?

- Yeah, [laughs] but if,

if someone had a tattoo
of me on their leg...

- Would you run a mile?

- I would run a mile.

- You'd be gone, that's it.

- Guys, you ain't seen Sam
or Amy anywhere have you?

- No man, I haven't.
- No.

- Got her on the brain much.

- No, no, they're
supposed to be in the door

and they ain't there so if you
seen 'em

can you let me know and if you
need anything I'll be about.

So just give me a call.

- We'll be your eyes and ears.

- [Kirk] Alright, thank you very
much.

[upbeat music]

- [Everyone] Happy birthday
Lauren!

[upbeat music]

- Oh babe, totally looking
forward to tonight.

I haven't been out for such a
long time.

- [Sam] I know, I'm looking
forward to it as well.

I, I reckon Kirk's definitely
gonna be

keeping an eye on you tonight,

whilst we're working on the
door.

- You think so?
- [Sam] Yeah.

You don't care about what I'm
doing.

- He might try and kiss
me in front of everyone.

- Yeah, he might try and kiss
you in front of everyone,

and then people think oh,
that must be Amy's bloke.

Mark won't even talk to us
tonight.

- I know, I think it's well out
of order.

- Yeah, he won't even say hello.

- I think Mark would love
your vajazzle. [Laughs]

- [Laughs] Oh shut up.

- Can we just get this straight

before we go out to Sugarhut
tonight?

I'm not showing Mark my
vajazzle.

- When you've had a few
drinks, I bet you 100% you go,

"Mark." [Laughs]

- [Laughs] You'll be going,
"Mark, look at her vajazzle."

It won't be me, it will be you.

- Do you reckon you're gonna
go home on your own tonight

or do you reckon you'll
be out back with Kirk?

- Oh honey, don't be silly, I
don't know.

- [Sam] Just see how it goes...

- [Amy] See how it goes.

- I feel in my element tonight,
and all.

- Why?

- Just, you know when you're
in one of those moods,

you feel fresh?
- Yeah.

- You put your new aftershave
on.

You're smelling yourself.

You look fresh.

- [Laughs]

- You just wanna get there,
don't you?

- And you walk in and you
see your ex-girlfriend there.

- And everything fucks up.

- Oh, it's devastating
me 'cause I'm proper

in a mood for a drink tonight.

Earlier in the week I said if I
go,

I'm gonna have one drink,

have a slow one and go,

but now, Bob's your uncle
and Fanny's your aunt,

I just wanna get there
and just have a boogie.

- Yeah, well don't leave me
there like, after an hour

and I'm stuck there by myself,
stranded,

like you did last time.

- Listen, if I want to slip
early...

- You're gonna slip with Lauren.

- Huh?

- You'll slip with Lauren.

- Really?

I'll have a go at you right now.

You know, I'll, I'll [mumbles]
you.

I'll give you a bullseye
if I slip, alright?

- Go on then?

- Bullseye.

- Lovely.

- [mumbles] Cheers [mumbles]

- [dance music]

- [Kirk] What-

- [Sam] Oh my God.

[Kirk] Right, a few people have
said...

Who do you think it looks like?

- [Sam] Show me that.

You're joking, it looks like
Amy!

- [Kirk] Right, see?

I feel like an idiot now.

- [Sam] No
- [Kirk] Because it does,

it does, I'm not like-

- Oh, show Amy, she'll love it.

[dance music]

- Em, right, we better
go and get ready anyway.

See you soon, and when we come
back down,

you better all be dancing.

- [Girls] Good luck!

- [Mark] Samantha Faiers, of all
people.

How you doing, babe, you all
right, Sam?

- Hello. [kiss] You
alright, babe? Hello.[kiss]

- You's alright? [kiss]

Mark, you could have
made a bit of an effort.

- [Mark] Really?

I thought I looked smart.

- No, I'm only joking.

- Your eyelashes look nice.

- Thank you.

- Very long.

[Laugh]

- Are they real?

- [Sam] No.

[Laugh]

- You gonna come watch the band,
or what?

- You are coming, Sam, aren't
you?

It's my sister's performance,
her biggest gig yet.

- No, I know, I really want to
see it.

- We going in, or what?

Come on, my sister's performing
now.

- Alright, I'm going in.

- [Amy] Love you.

See you in a minute. [kiss]

Have a good night. [kiss]

- I'll see you, babe, you look
gorgeous.

- Thank you, so do you.

[dance music]

[softer music]

- How are you, darling?

- I'm alright, you?

- [kiss] Good to see you.

Oh, I'm so busy.

- [Man] Listen, you know
why don't we go for a drink,

a couple of drinks later?

- Alright then.
- What are you doing after?

- Not got a [mumbles], should we
[mumbles]

- I'll either text you or give
you a message after, yeah?

- Hundred percent.

- [Man] Alright listen,
it was good seeing you.

- [kiss] Take care then.

- [Man] I'll see you
then, yeah, you take care,

I'll see you soon, yeah?
- [Amy] Yeah, see you soon.

[dance music]

- You actually bought, sorry
hun,

oh my god, got it all down me.

- Makes me feel sick.

Look at- [music drowns out
speaker]

[cheering]

- You alright?

- Never, ever want to see that
boy again.

You bunch of cunts.

[dramatic music]

- She's fuming.

- Just ignore it.

I know it's so hard, just
pretend he's not there.

- [Sam] Thing is, like,
it's not our problem,

is it, like?

- You walked in from doing the
guest list.

I've come to have a drink.

Like, it's not like I'm
doing anything, just talking.

What's wrong with it?

- Mark and Sam, right there.

- I'll fucking knock her
out the door and all.

- They're doing it to wind you
up.

- It's so funny!

You fucking mug!

Both of you!

[Laughing]

- You alright, Lauren?

[Laughs]

- I will never, ever deal
with that boy again now.

Ever.

- Ah, the drama in my life,

I can't deal with it sometimes.

[dramatic music]

- Lauren's gone to the toilet,

give me a kiss on the cheek.

Say hello, we ain't said hello
yet.

- What?

- I said "we haven't
said hello yet", and all.

With Lauren gone, we've got a
chance.

- Final girl only joined
about two months ago.

- Okay, so it's quite a new,
fresh thing.

- [Blonde] Yeah
- [Jess] Very sort of fresh.

This is our third gig.

- [Man] Okay, so it's really
fresh.

- Kind of, yeah.

- You guys did well, to be
honest.

Like, the voices were all
good, the harmonies were good.

I liked the, um, choreography.

- Oh God, we did that.
- That was us.

[Laughing]

- I think there's potential
there, and I just think,

you guys need to kind of just,
develop it,

and kind of realise
what it is that you are.

Like, what energy you thinking?

Like, what is Lola?

- Just sturdy but edgy.
- Yeah.

- That's what tried to
bring across tonight.

- You have management yet, or-

- Do you have managers?

- No, but we need management,
we really need management.

- Yeah.

- Well we'll talk to a few
people-

- Okay.

- [Taller Man] And then
we'll be in touch with you,

and we can start, kind of,
developing it.

- Wow, thank you, that would be
brilliant.

- [Taller Man] And see where it
can go.

Yeah?
- [Blonde] Thank you.

- [Jess] That would be
brilliant, thank you.

- Thank you so much for coming
down.

It was so nice to meet you.

- Lovely to meet you.

- Cool, thank you for having us.

- See you later.

- Bye.

- See you later.

- Oh my Gosh.

- Sam, you know what, who cares?

I'm not with Lauren.

- I know you're not with Lauren,
but like,

you always put me in these
uncomfortable situations.

Like, you say you're not with
Lauren,

and you want to talk to me.

And then when you are
together, you ignore me.

So I'm not going to fall into
these situations any more.

- Right, but that's the way I
am.

- Yeah, yeah, that's the way you
are,

but that's not, that's rude.

- But if I'm with a girlfriend-

- I was telling Amy the
other day how rude you was.

- Let me speak-- yeah but
you're not just a friend.

[Laughs]

- Did you have a good night
tonight?

- Yeah good, I was stressed.

Thank you for helping me out.

You been drinking as well?

Yeah, did you get drunk at work?

- So many good looking guys
though.

- Yeah, better than me?

- You know, I got chatted up
tonight.

- So did I.

- Left, right, and centre.

- Got a couple of numbers as
well.

- Good looking guy chatted me up
tonight,

was like "oh, should we go out
to dinner?"

- Who was he?

- Can't tell you his name.

- Do I know him?

Does he know me?

What an idiot?

- [Amy] He was like "can I take
you out?"

And I was like "oh, I don't
know."

And he was like "oh,
I've always liked you."

- Of course he's said
he's always liked you,

you've got fake boobs
and you look really nice.

Every geezer's gonna say that.

- Is that why you like me?

- No I don't, like you, I
like you because of you.

- Alright, they-

- [Kirk] Every other
geezer's gonna come up

and chat you up because
of what you look like.

You need to understand that.

- Yeah well, I'm not into that.

- Good.

I've got a surprise for you as
well.

- Oh my God.

- It's not for you, alright?

Everyone said "oh that looks
like Amy,

that looks like Amy", but it
ain't that.

So don't get freaked out.

- Show me it now.

Oh my God, she's got the same
colour nails as me as well.

She's gropey like me.

- That does hurt a little bit.

- Sorry, babe.

- You're doing it again.

Now, and again.

What you doing?

I've just said it hurts!

Amy, Amy!

- You're such as prick!

Oh, whatever.

Can I stay at yours tonight?

- Dunno, you've drunk a bit.

I can give you a lift home.

But I won't take-- I'm not
gonna let you stay around mine.

I'll feel like

"ah, she's only asked
me because she's drunk."

- Not at all.

- I know I'm gonna get
home, lie in bed on my own,

and think: "oh my God."

[laughs]

[techno music]

- [Lauren] Hi, I feel
really embarrassed at

the way you acted at my
birthday.

The way you two did that.

- Lauren, I know her.

She's a friend.

I walked in, she was doing the
guest list-

- Mark, I don't care less about
her.

I don't dislike her, she's a
nice girl,

I don't dislike her, but she's
nineteen.

- You're going mad because
I spoke to one girl,

a girl you know, a girl that is
not even a

threat to you.

But you're still going mad.

- It's my birthday.
- [Mark] Okay, you know what

- And I want you to walk over to
me and go

"you alright babe?

You want a drink?

How's your night going?"

- I just walked into the club
and

you're giving it all this.

I just walked in.

- Where's my birthday present?

Just tell the truth, what
have you got for my birthday?

Put your head down,
because you know it's true.

Embarrass yourself, go on.

- Shall I buy that random girl
over there

a birthday present?

- What have you brought
me, the girl you love,

what have you brought me for my
birthday?

Tell the truth.

- Nothing.

- Why?

- Because you're my
ex-girlfriend.

If you was my girlfriend,
you'd have a present.

- Mark, what do you want from
me?

What do you want?

- There's a chance I'm gonna
get back with you, okay?

- After the way you've just
treated me

on my birthday?

- Shh, forget that, forget Sam
Faiers.

- Go on.

- You want me to say it.

- Go on then.

- If we're gonna get back
together,

it's everything or nothing.

What I mean by that is, when
we got back together before,

petty little relationship,

"oh yeah, I'm back with
Lauren, duh duh duh"

If we're gonna get back
together,

we're gonna get back together
properly.

And I'm gonna propose, and
we're gonna tag a future.

- Mark, I'm telling you
from the bottom of my heart,

I love you, and I've
experienced a lot of things,

and I need to break away from
you,

and I don't want to be with you
anymore.

- So, from going from:

"when are we going to
get back together" or

"I love you so much" or

"please, just come back to me."

You're going to: "I don't
want to be with you."

Is that because I walked
in with a girl called Sam,

who's the girl who does the
guest list,

who's a friend.

You know what, forget this
argument, I've had enough of it.

- Are you joking?

- Nah nah, I've had
enough of this argument.

Right now, I'm gonna say one
thing.

Listen carefully, take it in,
and remember

what you're about to say.

If you don't want to ever
be with me again, ever,

walk away right now.

[rock music]

- [Narrator] Next time,
is it really all over

for Lauren and Mark?

Will Mark be tempted by sexy
Sam?

And will Kirk get to
take Amy up the aisle?

Who knows?

Anything can happen on
The Only Way is Essex.