Original subtitles

big watches and false boobs.

The tans you see might be fake but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up purely

for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex.

- What's a vajazzle?

- I've got nothing against Lauren

but your relationship is a joke.

- It's a bit like a rainbow at the minute honey.

Not a rainbow but-

- No, it doesn't.

- You know about my birthday at Sugar Hut, yeah?

- Yeah.

- [Lauren] Are you comin'?

- Erm, I don't totally know yet.

- Babe, can I ask for a favour?

- Yeah.

- Can you have a tattoo of my name on you?

- Ahhhh no, don't know. - [Amy] Please.

- That's a big step isn't it? - [Amy] Oh my god please.

- I still do fancy Lauren and I still do love her,

whether I think we're right for each other

is a different story.

- Have you spoken to Mark or anything?

- No, not really.

- Oh my god, did you snog him?

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Essex girl, like, isn't it in the dictionary?

Apparently it's in the dictionary now.

- What is?

- Essex girl.

It's actually in the dictionary and it says-

- Glamorous. - No.

- They right slag us off? - They slag us off.

- Shut up, you're having me on.

I thought it meant like classy.

- No, complete opposite.

It's like stilettos, men.

- But, but the person that's obviously done the dictionary,

who is it?

- I don't know.

- I think, I think, I'm being serious.

Well, is he from Essex, or is he from wherever?

'Cause if he's not-

- [Sam] Well, obviously he's not from Essex.

- If he's from Liverpool or from Manchester,

then obviously they're gonna write something.

If they were from Essex, they wouldn't write that.

Slated.

- Come on then, tell me about you and Kirk,

what's been happening?

- I don't know, we've just gotta see.

- Everyone can see though how much he likes you.

He's like "Amy, give me a kiss."

- Yeah and that, yeah, but that's--

- Do you know what I mean?

He can't keep his hands off you.

- He can't have any other girls to do that with.

Like you say he's got me there.

That's what I think anyway.

I shouldn't be like that

but I think like that sometimes from of him.

- But he wants you to feel privileged,

that you're his number one girl in the same day.

But you should turn around and go "look no,

unless you wanna be with me properly,

I'm not doing this."

- [Amy] Yeah.

- Childish game, I'm not playing games with you.

That's what you should say to him.

[buzzing]

[groaning]

- You all right?

- Yes, it bloody hurts.

- So, have you got any plans for any other tattoos?

- I think now I'm just gonna wait for a meaningful one,

if you know what I mean.

Girl's names and whatnot.

That's if anything gets serious, then I'll go onto that.

- So whose name?

- The name is Amy, it's Amy, you know.

It's a small name so it's easily covered up.

- You wouldn't do it like on your ring finger

or anything like that.

- I would actually do that if I got married to the person.

- Really?

- If, if, if I knew she was gonna be me wife

then I would put the name, the name on that finger.

But I think, then again that's a really big step,

bcause if I ever get remarried I don't think my new wife

would ever think about putting

a ring on a finger with another girl's name.

- True.

So what do you think she would think

to you having a lady on your leg?

- To be honest, it looks a little bit like her.

If she likes me she should like my tattoos

at the end of the day.

- That's very true.

- How's it looking though, is it all right?

- Yeah, have a look.

- Oh that does look good.

[upbeat music]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- You all right, Mark. - All right.

- Why haven't you rung me back?

- I've been busy Lauren.

What's the matter anyway, you cool?

- Yeah I'm all right, just a bit annoyed with you.

But um, just want to know what's going on about my birthday.

- Um, alright, I'm gonna try and come.

If something comes up then... - No, no, no.

- [Mark] ...you know something comes up,

I just don't have to let you down.

- That, that's what I'm saying, so don't let me down.

I need to know what time you're gonna be there and stuff,

and I want a definite answer.

I don't want a get there and be like is he there,

is he coming or is he not coming?

- Okay.

- I wanna know, and you should be able to commit to that

as you've done for the last nine years.

- All right, I'll be there.

- So what time?

- I've gotta go.

I've just got a knock at the door.

I'll speak to you in a minute alright, bye.

- Oh, bye.

- Hello Mark, alright,

I've brought you some sausage plaits, alright.

- Oh lovely me favourite. How you doing?

- Lovely, you?

- Love you.

[music]

- Tonight we've got Lauren's birthday.

That's our key thing tonight but, uh...

- How many people are you expecting?

- I'm hoping between 6 to 800, got um

- Got a big guest list?

- Yeah, I've got Amy and Sam doing

the guest list tonight so, uh...

- Did you get the, did you get the tattoo done?

- Yeah I got it, I got it, I got it,

I've not shown it yet.

- Well, show it to me first.

- Do you wanna see it?

- Yes.

- You know, it hurts.

- Oh.

- Right, I know it looks like her.

- Oh my god.

- But it was a coincidence, right?

- Okay, wow, that really looks like her.

- Do you know what though?

I dunno, I dunno whether to show her,

'cause now it's gonna look like that.

So I'm in two minds about showing her.

- Well, you can't not show her.

It's obviously not something that you can

avoid talking about.

Maybe the course of true love runs in your veins, literally.

- And you know what I've had to say, as well.

I've had to think, I've got to, uh, shave the legs,

because obviously it's gonna be hairy.

So, I'm just gonna have to shave the tattoo, aren't I?

Because otherwise I'm gonna have a hairy bird on me leg.

- Oh, it will look like Amy has a beard. [Laughs]

- [Laura] I've been looking through my dresses.

I've decided what I'm going to wear to your party.

- What are you going to wear?

- It's a really nice gold, sort of bandage, strapless dress.

- That sounds lovely, Laura.

- Yeah, no it's really nice.

- Yeah, I can't wait I'm gonna wear,

like, this really, sort of like sparkly,

sort of little dress.

- Ahh nice.

- I hope it goes well, but, um, yeah,

Mark's sister, Jess, is singing with the band LOLA.

- Oh really?

- They're meant to be wicked, so I can't wait.

- Okay, so that's Mark's sister?

- Yeah.

- So, what's going on with you and Mark then?

Update me.

- Oh god. Well, he's meant to be coming

but I'm sort of like,

in limbo at the minute with what's he's doing.

'Cause he's too busy

and he's acting a bit like an idiot to be honest with you.

- Oh wow. - It's stupid.

- He needs to grow up. - He does.

It's make or break now, like, for about my birthday for us.

I'm putting my foot down, 'cause I'm not having it anymore.

- Yeah, I don't blame you

and you shouldn't have to put up with it Lauren.

I think he really needs to wake up and realise

what he's got before its too late.

- All this messing about, I just, it's upsetting me

and I don't wanna be upset on my birthday.

- Yeah, of course.

You don't need to be upset on your birthday, Lauren.

- And I'm gonna put my foot down and be like, look.

- You should do.

You're a strong girl, and I think,

I think you need to be with him.

- Yeah.

- You need to tell him. - Yeah, exactly.

- Don't put up with any rubbish from Mark.

- No.

- [Laura] Just don't.

- So, how you been getting on, Mark?

- Yeah alright, Nan, just busy.

- Oh good, good.

- Hm. Busy with the work and whatever

and the promoting and the...

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Behaved yourself?

- Yeah I bet. [Laughs]

- Always do, Nan, you know that.

- I've got Lauren's birthday party tonight.

I'm just wondering, like, you know, what I'm gonna do.

She wants me to turn up with her, and all that.

I think I'm getting a hint that way, so.

- Well, you've been with her for a long while, haven't you?

- If I was to get back with her, I'm thinking about,

you know, making it proper and proposing to her.

So it's not just a this petty relationship thing.

- Well, what do you really want though Mark, or anything?

- I don't know, Nan, I'm confused, you know?

When we're together, we're arguing but...

- Yeah.

- There must be something there, 'cause you know,

I always go back and I do fancy her.

- That's right.

You're always backwards and forwards with her, aren't you?

It's what you feel in yourself.

- Is there any celebs on the guest list?

- Er, let's have a little look.

I don't think so.

Let me see.

- And why are Universal here?

- Universal A & R are here to see the band, to see Lola.

- Oh.

- [Candy] So, obviously this is like a

showcase for them, isn't it?

- Right.

You've got a good crowd, if they've got, if,

they're selling, if the crowd from that guest list

is all gonna turn up,

they've got a good crowd to perform to I guess.

- And I know that the band have obviously brought

their own guest lists as well.

Let's hope that they've brought down-

- A good crew. - As many as that.

- I'm so nervous, I actually am,

I feel like I'm getting a cold.

- [Megan] It's nerves. It's stress, yeah.

- Typical, and the biggest gig we've got.

- We should have steamed this morning.

- [Jess] Just think to yourself,

when you're out there tonight,

"this is the biggest thing we've ever done.

Be sexy, be confident."

Just think like, proper think

through all the dance moves,

think about what you're singing.

Don't look anyone in the eye because

it's just gonna put you off, especially people you know.

And just think: "do you know what?

We got one shot, just give it, just absolutely go for it".

- Alright girls. - [All] Hello.

- How's it going?

- Good, thank you.

- Are you nervous?

- [All] Very.

- Well, I saw the guest list, I don't know if you know,

er, you've got two, Universal A & R reps coming down here.

- Oh my God!

- [Man] So, I thought I'd run up and tell you.

Just give it more nerves for you.

- Oh my God.

- Enjoy it.

I'll see you all later on, ta, ta, bye.

- Bye.

- Oh my god. - Oh my god.

- We'll be fine.

Be confident, we can do it.

- All right, girls, seriously performance of our lives.

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- He, um, you know how he told us the other day

about the tattoo?

- Yeah.

- He went and got it done.

- Is this literally his attempt to

woo her back by drawing her up his leg?

- Yeah, [laughs] but if,

if someone had a tattoo of me on their leg...

- Would you run a mile?

- I would run a mile.

- You'd be gone, that's it.

- Guys, you ain't seen Sam or Amy anywhere have you?

- No man, I haven't. - No.

- Got her on the brain much.

- No, no, they're supposed to be in the door

and they ain't there so if you seen 'em

can you let me know and if you need anything I'll be about.

So just give me a call.

- We'll be your eyes and ears.

- [Kirk] Alright, thank you very much.

[upbeat music]

- [Everyone] Happy birthday Lauren!

[upbeat music]

- Oh babe, totally looking forward to tonight.

I haven't been out for such a long time.

- [Sam] I know, I'm looking forward to it as well.

I, I reckon Kirk's definitely gonna be

keeping an eye on you tonight,

whilst we're working on the door.

- You think so? - [Sam] Yeah.

You don't care about what I'm doing.

- He might try and kiss me in front of everyone.

- Yeah, he might try and kiss you in front of everyone,

and then people think oh, that must be Amy's bloke.

Mark won't even talk to us tonight.

- I know, I think it's well out of order.

- Yeah, he won't even say hello.

- I think Mark would love your vajazzle. [Laughs]

- [Laughs] Oh shut up.

- Can we just get this straight

before we go out to Sugarhut tonight?

I'm not showing Mark my vajazzle.

- When you've had a few drinks, I bet you 100% you go,

"Mark." [Laughs]

- [Laughs] You'll be going, "Mark, look at her vajazzle."

It won't be me, it will be you.

- Do you reckon you're gonna go home on your own tonight

or do you reckon you'll be out back with Kirk?

- Oh honey, don't be silly, I don't know.

- [Sam] Just see how it goes...

- [Amy] See how it goes.

- I feel in my element tonight, and all.

- Why?

- Just, you know when you're in one of those moods,

you feel fresh? - Yeah.

- You put your new aftershave on.

You're smelling yourself.

You look fresh.

- [Laughs]

- You just wanna get there, don't you?

- And you walk in and you see your ex-girlfriend there.

- And everything fucks up.

- Oh, it's devastating me 'cause I'm proper

in a mood for a drink tonight.

Earlier in the week I said if I go,

I'm gonna have one drink,

have a slow one and go,

but now, Bob's your uncle and Fanny's your aunt,

I just wanna get there and just have a boogie.

- Yeah, well don't leave me there like, after an hour

and I'm stuck there by myself, stranded,

like you did last time.

- Listen, if I want to slip early...

- You're gonna slip with Lauren.

- Huh?

- You'll slip with Lauren.

- Really?

I'll have a go at you right now.

You know, I'll, I'll [mumbles] you.

I'll give you a bullseye if I slip, alright?

- Go on then?

- Bullseye.

- Lovely.

- [mumbles] Cheers [mumbles]

- [dance music]

- [Kirk] What-

- [Sam] Oh my God.

[Kirk] Right, a few people have said...

Who do you think it looks like?

- [Sam] Show me that.

You're joking, it looks like Amy!

- [Kirk] Right, see?

I feel like an idiot now.

- [Sam] No - [Kirk] Because it does,

it does, I'm not like-

- Oh, show Amy, she'll love it.

[dance music]

- Em, right, we better go and get ready anyway.

See you soon, and when we come back down,

you better all be dancing.

- [Girls] Good luck!

- [Mark] Samantha Faiers, of all people.

How you doing, babe, you all right, Sam?

- Hello. [kiss] You alright, babe? Hello.[kiss]

- You's alright? [kiss]

Mark, you could have made a bit of an effort.

- [Mark] Really?

I thought I looked smart.

- No, I'm only joking.

- Your eyelashes look nice.

- Thank you.

- Very long.

[Laugh]

- Are they real?

- [Sam] No.

[Laugh]

- You gonna come watch the band, or what?

- You are coming, Sam, aren't you?

It's my sister's performance, her biggest gig yet.

- No, I know, I really want to see it.

- We going in, or what?

Come on, my sister's performing now.

- Alright, I'm going in.

- [Amy] Love you.

See you in a minute. [kiss]

Have a good night. [kiss]

- I'll see you, babe, you look gorgeous.

- Thank you, so do you.

[dance music]

[softer music]

- How are you, darling?

- I'm alright, you?

- [kiss] Good to see you.

Oh, I'm so busy.

- [Man] Listen, you know why don't we go for a drink,

a couple of drinks later?

- Alright then. - What are you doing after?

- Not got a [mumbles], should we [mumbles]

- I'll either text you or give you a message after, yeah?

- Hundred percent.

- [Man] Alright listen, it was good seeing you.

- [kiss] Take care then.

- [Man] I'll see you then, yeah, you take care,

I'll see you soon, yeah? - [Amy] Yeah, see you soon.

[dance music]

- You actually bought, sorry hun,

oh my god, got it all down me.

- Makes me feel sick.

Look at- [music drowns out speaker]

[cheering]

- You alright?

- Never, ever want to see that boy again.

You bunch of cunts.

[dramatic music]

- She's fuming.

- Just ignore it.

I know it's so hard, just pretend he's not there.

- [Sam] Thing is, like, it's not our problem,

is it, like?

- You walked in from doing the guest list.

I've come to have a drink.

Like, it's not like I'm doing anything, just talking.

What's wrong with it?

- Mark and Sam, right there.

- I'll fucking knock her out the door and all.

- They're doing it to wind you up.

- It's so funny!

You fucking mug!

Both of you!

[Laughing]

- You alright, Lauren?

[Laughs]

- I will never, ever deal with that boy again now.

Ever.

- Ah, the drama in my life,

I can't deal with it sometimes.

[dramatic music]

- Lauren's gone to the toilet,

give me a kiss on the cheek.

Say hello, we ain't said hello yet.

- What?

- I said "we haven't said hello yet", and all.

With Lauren gone, we've got a chance.

- Final girl only joined about two months ago.

- Okay, so it's quite a new, fresh thing.

- [Blonde] Yeah - [Jess] Very sort of fresh.

This is our third gig.

- [Man] Okay, so it's really fresh.

- Kind of, yeah.

- You guys did well, to be honest.

Like, the voices were all good, the harmonies were good.

I liked the, um, choreography.

- Oh God, we did that. - That was us.

[Laughing]

- I think there's potential there, and I just think,

you guys need to kind of just, develop it,

and kind of realise what it is that you are.

Like, what energy you thinking?

Like, what is Lola?

- Just sturdy but edgy. - Yeah.

- That's what tried to bring across tonight.

- You have management yet, or-

- Do you have managers?

- No, but we need management, we really need management.

- Yeah.

- Well we'll talk to a few people-

- Okay.

- [Taller Man] And then we'll be in touch with you,

and we can start, kind of, developing it.

- Wow, thank you, that would be brilliant.

- [Taller Man] And see where it can go.

Yeah? - [Blonde] Thank you.

- [Jess] That would be brilliant, thank you.

- Thank you so much for coming down.

It was so nice to meet you.

- Lovely to meet you.

- Cool, thank you for having us.

- See you later.

- Bye.

- See you later.

- Oh my Gosh.

- Sam, you know what, who cares?

I'm not with Lauren.

- I know you're not with Lauren, but like,

you always put me in these uncomfortable situations.

Like, you say you're not with Lauren,

and you want to talk to me.

And then when you are together, you ignore me.

So I'm not going to fall into these situations any more.

- Right, but that's the way I am.

- Yeah, yeah, that's the way you are,

but that's not, that's rude.

- But if I'm with a girlfriend-

- I was telling Amy the other day how rude you was.

- Let me speak-- yeah but you're not just a friend.

[Laughs]

- Did you have a good night tonight?

- Yeah good, I was stressed.

Thank you for helping me out.

You been drinking as well?

Yeah, did you get drunk at work?

- So many good looking guys though.

- Yeah, better than me?

- You know, I got chatted up tonight.

- So did I.

- Left, right, and centre.

- Got a couple of numbers as well.

- Good looking guy chatted me up tonight,

was like "oh, should we go out to dinner?"

- Who was he?

- Can't tell you his name.

- Do I know him?

Does he know me?

What an idiot?

- [Amy] He was like "can I take you out?"

And I was like "oh, I don't know."

And he was like "oh, I've always liked you."

- Of course he's said he's always liked you,

you've got fake boobs and you look really nice.

Every geezer's gonna say that.

- Is that why you like me?

- No I don't, like you, I like you because of you.

- Alright, they-

- [Kirk] Every other geezer's gonna come up

and chat you up because of what you look like.

You need to understand that.

- Yeah well, I'm not into that.

- Good.

I've got a surprise for you as well.

- Oh my God.

- It's not for you, alright?

Everyone said "oh that looks like Amy,

that looks like Amy", but it ain't that.

So don't get freaked out.

- Show me it now.

Oh my God, she's got the same colour nails as me as well.

She's gropey like me.

- That does hurt a little bit.

- Sorry, babe.

- You're doing it again.

Now, and again.

What you doing?

I've just said it hurts!

Amy, Amy!

- You're such as prick!

Oh, whatever.

Can I stay at yours tonight?

- Dunno, you've drunk a bit.

I can give you a lift home.

But I won't take-- I'm not gonna let you stay around mine.

I'll feel like

"ah, she's only asked me because she's drunk."

- Not at all.

- I know I'm gonna get home, lie in bed on my own,

and think: "oh my God."

[laughs]

[techno music]

- [Lauren] Hi, I feel really embarrassed at

the way you acted at my birthday.

The way you two did that.

- Lauren, I know her.

She's a friend.

I walked in, she was doing the guest list-

- Mark, I don't care less about her.

I don't dislike her, she's a nice girl,

I don't dislike her, but she's nineteen.

- You're going mad because I spoke to one girl,

a girl you know, a girl that is not even a

threat to you.

But you're still going mad.

- It's my birthday. - [Mark] Okay, you know what

- And I want you to walk over to me and go

"you alright babe?

You want a drink?

How's your night going?"

- I just walked into the club and

you're giving it all this.

I just walked in.

- Where's my birthday present?

Just tell the truth, what have you got for my birthday?

Put your head down, because you know it's true.

Embarrass yourself, go on.

- Shall I buy that random girl over there

a birthday present?

- What have you brought me, the girl you love,

what have you brought me for my birthday?

Tell the truth.

- Nothing.

- Why?

- Because you're my ex-girlfriend.

If you was my girlfriend, you'd have a present.

- Mark, what do you want from me?

What do you want?

- There's a chance I'm gonna get back with you, okay?

- After the way you've just treated me

on my birthday?

- Shh, forget that, forget Sam Faiers.

- Go on.

- You want me to say it.

- Go on then.

- If we're gonna get back together,

it's everything or nothing.

What I mean by that is, when we got back together before,

petty little relationship,

"oh yeah, I'm back with Lauren, duh duh duh"

If we're gonna get back together,

we're gonna get back together properly.

And I'm gonna propose, and we're gonna tag a future.

- Mark, I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart,

I love you, and I've experienced a lot of things,

and I need to break away from you,

and I don't want to be with you anymore.

- So, from going from:

"when are we going to get back together" or

"I love you so much" or

"please, just come back to me."

You're going to: "I don't want to be with you."

Is that because I walked in with a girl called Sam,

who's the girl who does the guest list,

who's a friend.

You know what, forget this argument, I've had enough of it.

- Are you joking?

- Nah nah, I've had enough of this argument.

Right now, I'm gonna say one thing.

Listen carefully, take it in, and remember

what you're about to say.

If you don't want to ever be with me again, ever,

walk away right now.

[rock music]

- [Narrator] Next time, is it really all over

for Lauren and Mark?

Will Mark be tempted by sexy Sam?

And will Kirk get to take Amy up the aisle?

Who knows?

Anything can happen on The Only Way is Essex.