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(dramatic music) (flames whoosh)

(static crackling)

- [Edgar] Believe nothing you hear,

and only half of what you see.

- That was the great Edgar Allen Poe,

and his words couldn't be more true, especially now.

Good evening everyone,

and welcome to your live podcast guide into the unknown.

Are you ready to take a journey

with me into "The Night Time World"?

(dark contemplative music)

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I will be opening up the lines in just a few minutes

to hear your voices over the night,

but as always, I have some great stories to share with you

to help us pass the time.

The first is about an ad in the back page classifieds

for, well, you'll just have to hear for yourself.

And then a few on the subject of eternal life.

That's right, my personal favorite, vampires.

Before I get to the stories, I'd like to start the night

by addressing some of the feedback and calls

from last week's show,

one on the concept of the undead,

specifically the supernatural.

I started this podcast to look at the stranger

more frightening side of life,

the things hidden by the light of day.

There's a reason why we fret at night,

why fear comes to us as we're lying in bed

waiting for sleep,

because sleep is the closest thing to death

that life has to offer us.

I believe that every time we sleep,

we're experiencing a little death,

we shut down, and our souls leave our bodies.

For where?

I don't know.

But you've told me of your out-of-body experiences,

and let me tell you, I think of death all the time.

I don't want to die.

I don't think anyone does.

Perhaps a few of you don't want to live anymore,

but how could anyone want death

without really knowing what that means?

Whether it's a quick death

or one from old age, painless or not.

The issue for me is nothing.

I'm not worried about heaven or hell.

Either would be fine, I suppose.

But what if there's just nothing?

A few years ago, I had to be put under for a procedure.

They used some great drugs.

One minute I was awake,

then they pumped that shit into me,

and the next thing I know, I'm waking up.

It was all over.

And in between, there was nothing.

I don't recall any dreams.

I don't remember anything positive or negative,

just nothing.

I see some of you want to talk about this.

Just hold tight for a moment.

What if there is no soul?

What if your brain is like a hard drive,

except that when you turn the power off,

the drive goes dead?

Everything it has on it, all those pictures,

videos, sounds, music, experiences,

are just gone, and there's nothing?

That is what I fear most.

That is what keeps me up at night.

Now, for some of you, I suppose this might sound

like a real vacation.

My mother, may she rest in peace, worked in a nursing home,

and a real shitty one at that.

Some of the stories she told me about that place

would make you question human decency.

Some would make your skin crawl.

But one in particular stuck in my memory.

There was a woman there in her 90s,

and this was several years ago, mind you.

She was physically healthy for her age,

but her mind had lost touch with reality.

She spent most of her waking hours screaming,

just terrified, screaming all the time.

Even the doctors were unable to find any answers,

and they ultimately gave up on this poor woman.

But my mother refused to give up,

and tried to comfort her however she could.

One night, my mother sat up holding this poor woman's hand,

and suddenly she went quiet.

Her eyes were glued to a spot on the ceiling,

a look of pure terror on her face.

My mother called out to her,

but the woman never acknowledged that she was there.

Suddenly the faintest whisper,

"If the gas chamber doesn't get you,

they'll shoot you dead."

You see, the woman was a Holocaust survivor

reliving her time in the camp.

The nightmares she lived through

were the only thing left in her head,

and it was a 24 hour a day horror movie.

Eternal life would be a curse

if it was anything like what that woman was experiencing,

I'm sure she would've gladly traded in those days

for a blank hard drive.

What do you think?

If you could live forever, would you want to?

Let's take a call.

The lines are open, so give me a ring if you'd like to chat.

(iPhone vibrating)

We have a call.

This is Nada, and you are on "The Night Time World".

- [Caller] I'm being made to call you.

- Okay, so I take it you're not a big fan of the show.

- [Caller] I want to die.

- All right.

Uh, one vote for not wanting eternal life,

albeit a strange one.

Thank you for calling.

- [Caller] Listen,

she is making me call you.

- Who is making you call me?

- [Caller] This isn't a story.

This is for real.

So-so you listen, and you listen carefully.

She's standing right here, and she's gonna talk to you

when it's time.

- Are you in danger?

Is she going to hurt you?

- [Caller] She won't let me die.

- And this is a problem?

- [Caller] A month ago, I placed an ad on a website

for someone to kill me and record it on video.

- Why would you do that? - [Caller] Listen!

She answered the ad.

- Okay, I'll bite.

Put her on.

- [Caller] Not yet.

She wants me to tell you why she answered the ad.

- Why would anyone answer an ad like that?

- [Caller] It's-it's, it's more like

a very bloody assisted suicide.

But this girl that answered, she's not human,

- Okay, I don't think I can help you,

and I have to take another call now.

- [Caller] She says that you don't have any other calls.

She says that she is controlling your lines

and that I'm the only person who can call in right now.

- Regardless, I have a show to do.

So best of luck to you, sir.

Well, I certainly hope that I'll be getting some calls soon,

but in the meantime, let's get into our first story.

It's called "The Back Page",

and it takes us back to a time not so long ago

when there was something called newspapers.

(dark tense music)

- That's when I found out

that the two chicks were actually two boys.

(woman laughs)

(Paul laughing)

(Paul whoops)

- No.

(Paul groans)

- Shane, come on.

Dude, I'm so fucking bad at this.

Let's just go sit at the bar.

- Bad at what?

- I literally just smiled at that girl,

and she showed me like I was a leper.

- Oh, come on Paul.

You just gotta loosen up.

And how do you expect to meet somebody

when you're staring at your lame ass lite beer all night?

You gotta turn around and face your fucking opponent.

And so what if some chick thinks you're a leopard?

You know, it's just- - Leper.

- What?

- A leper is someone with leprosy.

It's like a skin disease.

You said leopard, which is a cat.

- You got a cat?

- No, no dude.

A leopard is a cat.

What I'm trying to tell you is that girl-

- Oh my god, dude.

I don't even give a fuck about the words

coming outta your mouth right now.

What's up Catalina?

- Shane, hi.

- There's like a hundred hot girls here, dude.

One of 'em is bound to be into this hobo look

you got going on these days.

It's all a numbers game, man.

It's about presenting yourself to as many women

as physically possible.

And when I say physically, you know what I mean,

like physically, you know?

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

You don't need to mime boobs.

- Oh, I'm glad you have a vague memory

of what boobs look like.

- Fuck you.

- Fuck me?

Sorry, I think this chick's got dibs on my dick

for the night.

- Yeah, she seems real into you.

- Dude, I don't care if she's dumb as fuck.

What I care about is she has a sister,

and I think if we play our cards right-

- Hold on, wait.

You think her sister would be into me?

- You? - Yeah.

(Shane laughing)

- Dude, no.

No, you didn't let me finish.

I'm saying I think I can fuck 'em both.

Alright, fine. I'll ask.

Hey, uh, you think your sister would be into Paul?

- [Catalina] Um.

- Exactly.

Sorry, it didn't work out, bro.

- I'm just out of practice.

I mean, it's been six months since Emily, and I-

- No, tell me you did not just fucking say

that horrible word.

What's the first commandment?

- I know, I know. - No, say it.

- I'm not allowed to say the evil-

- No, say it like we chiseled it into goddam stone.

- Stone?

We wrote it with Sharpie on a pizza box.

- It was symbolism, you piece of shit. Now say it.

- All right.

Thou shalt not say thy evil swine's name aloud

for she hath ruined thine life.

- Exactly.

And what's the second command?

- Get pussy.

- Amen.

Now peace be with you.

Uh, go get 'em, tiger.

- Come on Shane, I need your help.

I mean, I'm rusty.

In fact, I'm pretty much an out of shape ball of rust.

Now-now you, you, my friend, are a well-oiled machine.

If there's a hundred hot girls here,

you've probably banged 95 of them.

- 95?

No.

Well, uh, are we counting mouth stuff?

Because if we're counting mouth stuff,

I might be pretty close, actually.

And I also believe I finger blasted this bartender,

which might explain why I can't get a fucking drink

to save my life tonight.

Oh hey, yeah.

Very nice, very nice.

Same finger I used on you.

Alright, all right, dude, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

You know, you just need something

to get you back into the swing of things, you know,

like, uh,

(snaps fingers) I got it, dude.

You need a fucking massage.

- You want me to have a spa day?

What the hell are you talking about?

- No, I'm talking about a fucking massage,

like when where you have sex with the person,

like a, like a mass-fuck.

No, that's dumb.

That's dumb.

Like a fuck-sage?

You, my friend, need a fuck-sage.

- Yeah, thanks, but I'm not trying to go to jail.

- Oh my god, Paul.

You're not gonna go to jail, you nerd.

There's a thing out there, it's called the internet,

and on it, you can do a lot of stuff, okay?

It won't make you as handsome and awesome

and as hugely donged as me,

but it'll definitely help you find a site

to get your dick sucked.

- I don't know, man.

- Relax, okay?

I've done it a couple times.

I know which sites are safe and discrete.

You're definitely not gonna get arrested.

Besides, Paul, look at me.

You need this.

- I just don't think I've completely hit rock bottom.

- Hey.

- Hi!

Um.

Back at 'cha.

- Is anyone sitting here? - No, no.

Uh, all yours.

Go ahead. - Thanks.

- So, I'm-I'm Paul.

- Casey.

- Tight.

Super tight.

I've always dug boys names on girls.

- Sorry, what?

- What the fuck are you saying?

- I don't fucking know!

So I'm-I'm Paul, by the way.

- Still Casey.

- Yeah, still tight.

So, uh.

My mom's birthday coming up!

- Happy birthday to your mom.

- Thanks, that-that's really nice of you.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna text her that you said that.

Oh, my phone's dead.

Can I borrow yours?

- No.

Um, I don't, like, give my phone out to-

- Oh yeah, yeah. - Random people I just met.

- Exactly, yeah, totally.

No, I get that.

Um, so do you, uh, live in the area, or?

- No actually, I just moved from New York.

- Oh yeah. New York!

I've never understood the whole Big Apple thing.

I mean, the city doesn't look like an apple.

Do you guys just-just walk around eating apples, or-

- [Casey] Finally!

- Hey, is this guy bothering you?

- No.

- All right, give me the names of those fucking websites.

- All right.

Paul's gonna get his dick sucked tonight!

- Who's Paul?

(soft tense music)

- "Hard day at the office?

Need to blow off some steam?

Cum", of course she spelled it that way,

"to my private studio and allow my soothing touch

to jerk your troubles away."

Well now she's not even being subtle

about the fact that she jacks off dudes.

"In call only, 300 rose donation."

(keys stroking)

(message whooshes)

(liquor pours)

Whoa, why are you yelling?

"Feeling lonely?

Experience a sensual full-body massage from me, Kate.

No Croatians/Vietnamese"?

That's-that's very specific.

How do you get,

I'm already supporting prostitution.

I don't wanna support racist prostitution.

(cellphone vibrates)

Shit.

(soft tense music)

(Paul sighs)

(Paul groans)

Hmm?

(newspaper crinkles)

"Total relaxation.

Allow me to take your body to total relaxation.

Price negotiable, will come to you.

Lilith."

(call dialing)

(phone ringing)

(Paul sighs)

Oh, thank god.

That was stupid.

You don't actually wanna buy a prostitute.

(cellphone vibrating)

What do I say?

What do I say? Fuck.

Uh, hello.

Hi, Lilith. How's it going?

Ah, yes.

Uh, oh, would you like to touch my penis for $78?

Yes, I-I do know that's an offensively small

amount of money to offer for your services.

Oh, you're sending your pimp

to stab me in the throat right now?

Sounds great.

I'll leave the porch light on for him.

(sighs) Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Hello there.

- [Lilith] You call me?

- No.

- [Lilith] You sure about that?

- Second command? - Get pussy.

Pussy, pussy.

Yes. I called you.

I want total relaxation.

- [Lilith] (chuckles) Well, okay.

Where do you live?

- 616 Hanover Lane.

- [Lilith] I'll be there in 20.

(Paul exhales)

- Fuck.

(soft tense music)

All right.

20 minutes.

I can just rest my eyes.

(tense foreboding music)

(knocking at door)

(music fades)

Fuck!

(Paul groaning)

Hey!

Who's there?

Who the fuck is there?

- [Lilith] It's Lilith.

- [Paul] Who?

- [Lilith] You called me.

The ad in the paper?

- Oh, I think you have the wrong, um,

the wrong- - The wrong?

- The wrong nothing.

You're in the right place.

- Well good.

Glad I still know how to read.

- I'm sorry, I fell asleep,

and I had no idea what was going on,

and then, honestly, I'm still kinda drunk, and I

stubbed my toe on the table.

- No worries. I'm over it.

And if I hadn't heard you whimper

like a little girl, I'd probably be driving

home right now, and not looking at your cute brown eyes.

(Paul chuckles) (soft music)

So, are your neighbors cool with us

doing this on the porch, or should we maybe

go inside your house?

- Oh, yeah.

Of course.

(bag thumps)

So.

I'm Paul.

- [Lilith] Lilith.

- Tight!

Super.

So, do you come here often?

- To your house?

- Yeah.

- No. (scoffs)

- [Paul] All right, good point.

Good point.

Makes sense, good point.

So, are you, like, doing this to pay for college,

or what?

- I'm not answering stupid questions.

- Okay.

Lilith's a pretty cool name.

Is that like your real name?

- Try again.

- [Paul] Oh, okay.

Uh, how long you been doing this?

- I don't know.

What year is it?

- What? - A while.

Longer than I feel like talking about.

- [Paul] Oh.

I-I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

I know you mean well.

You people always mean well.

- Do you not like doing this?

- Yes and no.

The job is kind of a necessary evil, though.

Hey, do you wanna go to your bedroom?

- Um.

Well.

I mean, can't we just kinda hang out and talk first?

You know, chit-chat, and-

- Yeah, sure.

Part VI is better.

- Well yeah, but this one has the cooler poster.

You know, I never expected my, uh, masseuse?

What should I call your job?

- Call me whatever you want.

Call girl, hooker.

Lady of the night.

Just don't call me whore.

That word is so Deuteronomy.

- Okay, well, I never expected a beautiful woman

like yourself to be so into horror movies.

Do you wanna watch a movie?

- Did you really invite me over here for a movie?

You know, by now, most guys would be begging me

to tear them apart.

(Paul chuckling)

- I guess I'm not most guys.

- That's okay.

We'll go at your speed.

But at some point, I'm gonna need to get

what I came here for.

These are cute.

Are you sure you're old enough to have a girl over?

- Hey, I'm 24.

- Okay, but if your parents come home soon,

I don't have to explain to them what I'm doing

to their little boy.

- Okay.

First off, every inch of this sprawling 900 square foot

estate is all mine.

No parents, no roommate, and no girlfriend.

Secondly, those action figures are worth more than my car.

In fact, depending on how things go tonight,

I might wind up having to pay you

with one of them.

(soft tense music)

(soft tense music continues)

(soft tense music continues)

- Do you really think I'm only worth

one of those toys?

Come on.

Let's do this.

- Yeah.

Definitely.

What's in this thing?

Because I should probably say this right now,

if it's sex toys, I really don't want

anything inside of me.

- It's my massage table.

Is this your bedroom?

- Yeah.

- (scoffs) You sleep on an air mattress?

- Well, my ex took a lot of stuff

when she moved out, so I'm currently in between mattresses.

- That's depressing.

- Agreed.

Should we go back to the living room?

I could've just deflated it.

- I don't wanna do it downstairs.

I wanna do it in here.

You don't want your neighbors hearing us,

you know, if things start to get a little crazy.

- Yeah.

I think I wanna get crazy.

- Oh do you?

- Yeah.

(smacking skin lightly)

- Great, now help me set up this table.

(door slams) - What the fuck?

- Let's get you outta these clothes.

- Wait. Wait!

Wait.

I need to say something first.

I just went through a really rough breakup,

and I've kind of let myself go.

Like not I need a crane to get myself

out the door, let myself go,

but I should definitely not be getting touched

by a woman like you.

I mean, at my physical peak, I was a seven at best,

and right now, I'm a solid five and a quarter,

which I'm okay with.

I really am.

But you, you,

you're a goddess.

I mean, you're basically the most gorgeous woman

who's ever talked to me, let alone laid her hands on me,

and just to be clear, I'm not delusional.

I know this isn't gonna be some "Pretty Woman"

type scenario where I woo you into falling in love with me,

because let's be honest, I'm no Richard Gere.

In fact, if anything, I'm more of a Richard Dreyfuss,

and that movie would've never worked with Dreyfuss.

(Paul sighs)

Okay.

Look.

I know the only reason you're here

is because I'm paying you to be here,

but thank you.

I need this.

And I really hope that I don't disappoint you.

- I'm not a goddess.

They'd be pretty pissed off at the comparison.

Paul, don't worry about disappointing me.

You seem like a great guy.

In fact, kinda wish we'd met under different circumstances.

But it was meant to be.

We're here.

Tonight.

Alone.

And I can sense your sadness, and your loneliness.

But I'm gonna make it all go away.

I don't care about the outside.

This?

This is just flesh.

It's what's under the flesh that I desire.

(soft tense music)

(soft tense music continues)

(soft tense music continues) (Paul breathing heavily)

It's time to relax.

(Paul breathing heavily)

(soft tense music continues)

(soft tense music continues)

(liquid spurting)

(Paul muttering)

Shh, just relax.

- What the fuck?

- Let it all go.

(Paul slumping)

(Paul breathing heavily)

(liquid spurts)

(Paul struggling)

(Paul breathing heavily)

(liquid spurts) (Paul whimpering)

(Paul whimpering)

(Paul snorting)

(mattress squeaking)

(bright playful music)

- What are you doing to me?

- [Lilith] Relax.

- Why can't I feel anything?

- I said relax!

(Paul screaming)

- What are you?

(Paul screaming)

(liquid spraying)

(Paul sputtering)

(tentacle writhing)

(Lilith groans)

(tentacle pumping)

(Paul squelches)

(tentacle pumping)

(slurping drink)

- Hey.

Hey!

(Bartender sighs)

Hey!

- Whoa, shit, whoa.

What the fuck?

What? What? Hey.

- Time to go home. - Okay.

- Like now. - Okay, okay, all right,

I'm going. I'm going,

I'm out the door. Hang on.

Hey, wait a minute.

Catalina?

Catalina, where you at?

Where you at, girl?

- Dude.

That chick left like three hours ago,

when she went to the bathroom

and you tried to make out with her sister.

- Whatever, whatever.

Her sister's hotter anyway.

It's fine.

- You're sad.

And I don't care.

(snaps fingers) Time to go.

- Well dude, I can't drive.

I'm fucking wasted.

- Yeah, I know.

And I hope that there's ice on all of the roads.

- What?

That is so mean.

- I don't care.

Come on.

- Well, you know what this is.

You over-served me.

(laughs) Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.

Look at all that.

You're a criminal.

Yeah, look away, law breaker.

Look away from this crime scene

that you have committed.

So you know what has to happen now?

You need to take me home.

- No.

- Okay.

You need to take me to a home.

Preferably your home.

You know?

Did I tell you how sexy you're looking tonight?

I've been, I've been looking at you all night,

just ogling, wow.

Look at that.

Wowza.

Just, just thinking of that time, remember?

It was you and me in the storage shed?

- Ah, gross.

No, ugh.

- You're right, that was pretty gross.

- Look.

I'll take you to Paul's house

if you promise not to touch me.

- Deal.

(crickets chirping)

(door creaking)

Hello?

Paul?

You home?

'Cause I am. (snickers)

Car was too drunk to drive,

and then that mean bartender lady,

she, uh, she said that my place was too far,

so, uh, here I am.

(soft tense music)

(light switch clicking)

What are you, too broke to afford light bulbs?

The fuck is wrong with you?

(Shane exhaling)

Oh. Paul!

I'm taking the last beer!

I'll get more in the morning,

so, uh, don't be a pussy about it.

(Shane exhaling)

All right, Paul. Last chance.

I'm coming up.

You better not be naked, dude.

I've had a weird enough night as it is,

and I don't think I could stand

seeing your dick right now.

(tense eerie music)

(Shane laughs)

Are these panties, dude?

Are you serious?

Did you get with one of those massage chicks?

Oh, I can't believe you did it.

Paul?

(dark tense music)

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck is this?

Oh Jesus.

Oh fuck me.

- Not the happy ending one would expect.

(iPhone vibrating)

Oh, I see I have a caller

who would like to discuss this tale.

This is Nada, and you're on "The Night Time World".

Is someone there?

- [Vampire 1] Sorry, I was eating.

So you just hang up on people who call you in distress?

- Who is this?

- [Vampire 1] The woman who answered this guy's ad

to kill him.

Don't hang up on me.

- Why shouldn't I?

- [Vampire 1] You talk about it,

but I live in the night time world.

I've listened to you for quite some time,

and I thought tonight was the perfect night

to finally call in and meet.

- All right.

Uh.

What about the other guy?

The one who called earlier, is he there with you?

- [Caller] She's-she's not gonna kill me.

She's-she's gonna let me,

she's gonna let me live forever.

- I see.

- [Vampire 1] Let me describe the scene here

for you and your listeners.

How's that?

- I'd rather you didn't.

- [Vampire 1] He's naked.

Very attractive.

Nice abs.

Shaved.

Even his cock and balls.

- This is not a sex line.

- [Vampire 1] A swimmer's body, I would say.

Are you?

- [Caller] Yes.

- Can we at least get to the part

where this guy's gonna live forever?

- [Vampire 1] We'll get there.

But first, I'm going to bite his cock and balls off

live on your show.

- For fuck's sake.

- [Vampire 1] Vampires are dead below the waist.

(caller screaming)

(static buzzes)

- Okay, good.

Well, I'm sorry to everyone for that.

To anyone out there who thinks that they're

gonna call in here and hijack my show,

just take your patronage elsewhere.

(static buzzing)

- [Vampire 1] I believe we got disconnected.

- How are you doing this?

- [Vampire 1] You never had a vampire

call into your show before?

Let me tell your listeners my story.

- I don't seem to have much of a choice in the matter.

- [Vampire 1] This guy here,

he's very much alive, to his dismay.

You know that's why he's crying, right?

Oh, it's not because I orally castrated him.

- Right.

It's because you're a vampire,

and you've turned him into a vampire.

We get it.

- [Vampire 1] Tell him

what you wanted me to do .

- [Caller] Flay-flay me .

- What?

- [Vampire 1] He's starting to fade.

Flay.

This crazy motherfucker wanted me to start

peeling off his skin.

Had all the tools to basically dissect him bit by bit,

and record it.

Can you believe that?

- No, actually I don't.

- [Vampire 1] I answered his ad because I'm tired

of hearing people say they want to die.

And this guy?

It's perhaps the grossest cry for attention

I have seen in a very long time.

- It's the second grossest call for attention

I've seen in a long time.

- [Vampire 1] You have a vampire story.

Did I hear right?

- Yes, I do.

- [Vampire 1] Tell it.

Keep me company, Troy.

Oops, sorry.

Nada.

Tell them like you do, and maybe I'll take

the fear away that keeps you up at night.

- Is that a threat?

- [Vampire 1] Tell me a story.

- Well, I'm afraid we may have been hacked.

I don't know how many people are watching

or listening right now, but

the show must go on.

And so, I'd like to tell you about Scarlet.

(dark tense music)

- Is that her?

(Craig sighs)

You should move now, then.

- Hey.

You gonna move?

- Give him a minute.

- Craig?

- Hold on.

I'm sorry.

She's gonna tear me apart.

- I can do it.

- No. - Why not?

- She'll slaughter you.

- Craig.

- Just, do you ever wonder how long she's been around?

How many people like me she's offed?

- She has offed- - I have a better shot.

- Shh!

Finish your sentence.

- You can either take action,

or you can wait for another little Gregory.

(Craig sighs)

- Look, man.

You're the most affected out of all of us.

And that makes you more breakable.

- She's already expecting me.

- I can do it right there in the street.

- No you won't.

You just sit there and shut up til it's over.

- [Denice] Stop!

- Then what are you waiting for?

- Calm down!

One thing at a time.

(Craig exhales)

Garlic water.

(Robert sighs)

- Good luck, man.

(crickets chirping)

(soft tense music)

(soft tense music continues)

- Craig. (laughing)

- [Craig] So good to finally meet in person.

- You look a lot handsomer in real life. (laughing)

- Thank you.

You look like-

- Do you wanna come back to mine?

- Yeah, sure.

- Are you shy?

- No.

- I'm shy, too.

(both chuckling)

(sensual electronic music)

(Craig grunts)

(sensual electronic music continues)

(music intensifying)

(Craig grunts)

(Scarlet panting)

- [Craig] What are you doing?

- Is your heart always beating that fast?

- [Craig] No.

Yeah.

I don't know.

(Scarlet laughing)

- [Scarlet] You might wanna get that checked out.

- [Craig] Never noticed before.

No one's ever-

(soft tense music)

(both panting)

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

- [Scarlet] What?

Why?

- [Craig] What?

- Why are you so nervous?

- [Craig] I'm not.

- [Scarlet] You are.

It's okay.

Just relax.

- I'm sorry, seriously, but ...

(soft tense music continues)

(soft tense music continues)

You okay?

(tense foreboding music)

(tense foreboding music continues)

(Craig groaning)

(Scarlet panting)

(Craig groaning) (soft tense music)

(Craig continues groaning)

(Craig choking)

(Craig groaning)

(Craig groans)

- Fuck.

(Craig coughing) - Shh, shh.

Shh.

(Craig choking)

- Bitch! (Scarlet laughing)

Bitch!

(Scarlet sighs)

- I don't think this is gonna work.

(Craig grunting)

(Scarlet shouting)

(Scarlet laughing)

By the end of tonight,

you're gonna beg me to kill you! (laughs)

(shouts in foreign language)

(both shout)

(Craig coughing)

(Craig coughing)

(Scarlet exhaling)

(dark tense music)

(Craig coughs)

(crickets chirping)

(soft eerie music)

(soft eerie music continues)

- Scarlet?

Scarlet. (Scarlet gasps)

- Shit.

You scared the hell out of me. (laughing)

It's lovely to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, too.

- So do you wanna come back to mine?

(dark foreboding music)

- How was that one?

My caller in the night,

did it help your work go by faster?

(iPhone vibrating)

This is Nada, and you're on "The Night Time World".

- [Vampire 1] I love it when you say that.

- Is this gonna go on all night?

- [Vampire 1] You don't like me?

I thought we had a bond,

a real connection.

You've been talking to me for years now.

- How's our boy?

- [Vampire 1] He's dead.

For a little.

He'll be up and around tomorrow night,

and every night after that forever.

- Look, even if this is all true,

and he is a vampire now, he can still die,

and so can you.

- [Vampire 1] You mean like the movies,

or the stories you tell?

Yeah, kinda sorta.

There are some things that can get to us,

but we're not afraid of crosses.

We have reflections, we don't sparkle.

We don't turn into bats or wolves or snakes or mist.

You ever wonder why in all those old Count Dracula movies,

the clothes transform into the bat too?

If I could turn into a bat,

my clothes would fall off,

and when I came back in human form,

I would be bare ass naked, which could be fun,

watching the boys lose their shit.

But now that sex has been replaced by feeding for me,

I'd rather just keep my clothes on.

We fuck by feeding.

Did you know that?

- Is that what you wanted to tell me?

- [Vampire 1] I just wanna talk.

He's sleeping with the dead now.

My work here is done.

- What about sunlight?

Does that kill you?

- [Vampire 1] Oh, you want to interview this vampire?

Let me guess.

Your next question is how old am I?

- I asked because if sunlight kills you,

then dead boy walking can just walk outside

in the morning and kill himself.

- [Vampire 1] He will not want to do that.

It's not the same kind of death.

It's way worse.

And I'm 153, but I don't look a day over 18.

Born, died, and reborn in the great state of Ohio.

Go Buckeyes.

- And now, you sleep in a coffin.

- [Vampire 1] Are you kidding me, dude?

Would you sleep in a coffin?

No, I have a great apartment with heavy curtains,

and a king-sized bed with memory foam.

- So sunlight does kill you, then?

There must be something else, too,

otherwise your kind would be overrunning the streets.

- [Vampire 1] Let me tell you about my kind.

We are less than you think,

but more than you know.

Unlike the movies and the morals that create them,

we understand population control.

Vampires just don't go around biting people

and making more vampires.

Some of our subjects are stumped.

Look, if vampires just made a vampire

with every bite, exponentially, we would overpopulate

the earth in no time, wiping out our own food supply.

We're actually an organized race,

and frankly have learned to cultivate

a symbiotic relationship with humans.

Imagine that.

- And what about this guy?

You turned him.

- [Vampire 1] Oh, there is something special

planned for him.

He's not ever going to feed.

Ever.

I 'm going to have him sealed up somewhere,

almost "Cask of Amontillado" like.

Ever read that Edgar Allen Poe story?

I love it.

Seal him in and let him hunger for eternity

because he doesn't respect the beauty of life.

When I was alive, I had cancer.

I was the oldest daughter in my family of 12.

My father died, and my mother needed me.

So when I fell ill, I wanted more life,

more time, and then one night, my prayers were answered,

and I was turned.

And guess what?

I-I didn't go on a bloodthirsty rampage

across the countryside.

No vampire hunters came for me.

I fed on livestock at first,

and then vagrants, and backwoods yokels.

I never took too much.

Not enough to turn them,

but just enough to make them

feel tired all the time.

I raised my siblings, and I put my mother

into the ground with natural causes.

- You're quite the humanitarian.

- [Vampire 1] Think what you will.

When I hear of people who want to throw their lives away,

it pisses me off.

- So that gives you the right to do whatever you want?

To torture people?

You wanted to live, and you got to live.

This guy wants to die, and you're taking that away from him.

- [Vampire 1] Tell me a story.

Another vampire story.

- Are people able to listen?

- [Vampire 1] Nada, tell me a story.

(Vampire sighs)

(dark tense music)

(dark tense music continues)

- [Vampire 2] A man once said the blood is the life.

Greater words have never been more true

from someone that does not exist.

My name no longer matters .

And my blood will be my death.

I have a sickness.

A rare blood disease.

I will be remembered as a hero

for changing the world through my work.

I will be remembered as the villain

for the exact same.

So different.

Yet there's one thing both hero and villain share.

Death.

But I'm going to defy it .

I'm going to cure it.

Lab results number 101 show a perfect bond

of my DNA and of desmodus rotundus.

The vampire bat.

Death.

I am going to defy it.

I'm going to cure it.

So in a world of heroes,

in a world of villains,

what am I?

(dark dramatic music)

Eight days.

Eight days with nothing.

Years ago, I created a cure.

Years ago, I created my curse.

A man into myth.

And like the myth, I hunger for blood.

Clean blood.

Not innocent blood.

- Hey, you got a light?

Hi?

Do you have a light?

- No.

- (scoffs) Was I an idiot for even asking?

Are you just like every asshole in the city?

- No.

- Is no the only word you know?

- No.

- So what, are you on some kind of creepy night stroll,

or do you just prefer to listen to music

from the outside?

- Music?

I prefer it when someone actually sings.

That-

- (scoffs) Apparently you need a crash course in good music,

because that was-

- Why are you talking to me?

- I don't know.

Guy walking around alone at one a.m.

Seems like something you could use.

- I don't.

- Well I do.

You wanna court me, and go find a light for this thing?

- You shouldn't smoke.

It's bad for your blood.

- Hey, I thought you said you weren't an asshole.

- [Vampire 2] A friend.

A luxury I can't have.

Not with the hunger.

(dark tense music)

(dark tense music continues)

- Nice masks.

Both of you, very nice.

(elevator dings)

(soft tense music)

- Is this the guy?

- (snickering) Fuck.

- Fuck. (laughing)

- Fucking kidding me. - Fuck.

- No fucking way. - Fuck.

- Hey!

Cute coat! (thug 1 laughing)

Get him! - Okay.

(dark tense music)

- Hey!

Do it!

(thug 1 grunts)

(blood spurts)

(thug 1 groaning)

(thug 2 grunting)

(thug 2 yelps) (blood spurting)

(thug 2 shrieks)

(thug 2 choking)

(blade clatters)

(dark tense music)

(both grunting)

(thug 3 screams)

(blade whooshes) (thug 3 grunting)

(blade clatters)

(tense dramatic rock music)

(all grunting) (blows landing)

(thug 3 yelps)

(blow landing) (thug 3 grunts)

(blade whooshes)

(blood gushes)

(thug 4 screams)

(vampire growls)

(blow lands) (thug 4 grunts)

(blow lands) (thug 4 grunts)

(thug 4 yelping)

(thug 4 yelps)

(door clattering)

- Hey, pal.

What's going on?

- Just let her go.

- I don't see that happening any time soon.

Do you have any idea, any idea,

how hard it is to catch the undead?

Do you?

- I'm alive.

- Okay, all right. Here, listen.

Werewolves, ugly, smelly, dead.

Witches?

Ugly, smelly, dead.

You, the undead, about to be dead.

- I'm alive.

- Not for long, you're not.

(dark dramatic music)

(Hunter groaning)

- I'm the only one that knows some shit.

(heads crashing) (both grunting)

(blows landing) (both grunting)

(both groaning)

(vampire crashes)

(kick lands) (both grunting)

(tense foreboding music)

- Oh see, there's a mark on me, buddy.

You see, I got these.

Sorry, can't hypnotize me.

(punches landing) (vampire grunting)

(chains rattling)

Dad gave me this knife.

He killed a lot of undead ugly motherfuckers

with this knife now.

Now, I'm gonna add you to the list.

(blade squelching) (both grunt)

Why won't you die? (vampire growling)

(Hunter grunting)

- Well, here's the thing about me dying.

(blade squelches) (Hunter yelling)

It tends to happen a lot.

(vampire roaring) (blood splatters)

(witch crying)

I'm sorry for the blood.

- That's okay.

I love the carnage.

- [Vampire 1] If you could live forever, would you?

You'll never get sick.

You'll stop aging.

You'll live until the sun finally goes nova,

and fries this globe into a cinder.

- I never thought about it that way.

- [Vampire 1] You have to consider everything.

Can you kill to survive?

There is the blood thing.

- Are we talking about turning me

into a vampire now?

- [Vampire 1] You're not a killer.

So you'll have to get creative.

I'll give you an example.

One of us that I know, she's a nurse,

and she will nip at the terminal,

anemic patients, but,

and this is the brilliant part,

she simply helps herself to blood supply

of the hospital she works in.

It's a pain because she has to keep moving around,

and she's gone to nursing school, like, eight times.

But she claims that she hasn't had to kill

a single mortal in over 50 years.

Not bad, right?

- Okay.

- [Vampire 1] What does your audience think?

This has to be good for ratings, right?

Should they vote?

Should Nada be turned or stay mortal?

What do you think, "Night Time World" listeners?

- How do I know that you won't seal me up

in a crypt for eternity?

- [Vampire 1] Because I like you.

You respect life.

I think you would seize the opportunities afforded you.

Consider the ability to pay it forward to people

who can't fight like we can.

I've killed pedophiles, serial killers,

been an avenging angel for some people.

- Judge, jury, and executioner.

- [Vampire 1] Spin it however you like.

But I'm not ashamed.

I've done some good .

- Maybe you have.

And how do you reconcile all the evil,

terrible things that you've done

with a few good deeds?

- [Vampire 1] You believe you're really talking

to a vampire?

(Nada clears throat)

- The story.

- [Vampire 1] Yes, the last story.

Tell me the last story please.

I've got to get this guy moved soon

and tend to one more thing before the night shift is over.

- This story is about justice.

Atonement.

- [Vampire 1] Is it now?

Thrill me.

One more story before bed, please?

(dark tense music)

(dark tense music continues)

(Nico gasps)

(pulse thumping)

- What the fuck?

(Nico grunting)

Hey!

Hello?

Hey!

Is anybody out there?

- Quiet down!

- What is this?

- You're pulling that bullshit?

I don't care how high you were.

Doesn't change what you did.

- Okay man, I,

officer.

I swear.

I didn't do anything.

- So you don't remember when you killed

an innocent man?

That doesn't ring any bells?

- I what?

- Officer Blake was a good man.

A friend.

And now the thug who murdered him

won't even say he remembers.

You know who does remember?

His family.

A little girl who's never gonna see her dad again.

- There's gotta be a mix-up here.

- I'll just call up his wife and kid

and tell him it was all just a big mistake.

- Hey! Hey, wait!

Wait!

Don't I get a call or a lawyer, right?

I would like my phone call.

- Right.

Turn around.

Stick your hands through the bars

and interlock your fingers.

(handcuffs clinking)

Step back to the far wall.

(door clanging)

(blow lands) (Nico yelps)

There's your phone call, asshole.

Nothing that the courts can hang on you

matches what you deserve.

(dark tense music)

(dark tense music continues)

(voice whispering)

Want another phone call?

I could lend you another quarter.

- Man, you can't do this.

I'll press charges!

- Might be a technical error

with the security footage.

Our budget being what it is.

Things like that are bound to happen.

I wouldn't get too comfortable there, boy.

I'm afraid- - How'd he die?

What'd you see?

- You tell me, freak.

You got fucked outta your mind on PCP or something.

Nearly turned him inside out.

- No.

I-I didn't do that.

And I-I've never taken PCP.

- Bath salts, PCP, whatever.

Still gonna say you don't remember?

- No, I-I remember him.

But I was,

I was shot!

I got shot!

I swear.

- That was Blake's blood you were wearing.

- No, I swear!

I was shot!

Go get the shirt!

It's still got the bullet holes!

- Keep your back to me and approach the bars.

- No, listen to me!

- Get over here!

(dark tense music)

(blow lands) (Nico screaming)

- I burned that fucking shirt, cop killer.

(dark tense music continues)

You want some more?

- Maybe I do.

- You best calm down, boy.

- You keep pulling that schoolyard bully shit,

gotta figure one day there'll be some consequences.

- Back the fuck up!

- You know I didn't kill your friend Blake.

But I did watch him bleed all that pretty blood.

(taser clicking)

(Nico crashes)

(pulse thumping)

- This is Blake.

Outside 1302 West 3rd Street.

No side of any-

(man screaming) (bullets firing)

Possible 217 in progress.

Requesting backup.

- [Dispatcher] Backup is en route.

Officer is in need of assistance.

All units respond.

- This is the police.

Make yourselves known.

- Hey! (gunshots firing)

- [911 Operator] 911, what's the nature of your emergency?

911- (cellphone beep s)

- Shit.

- [Stranger] Uninspiring, as last words go.

(dark tense music)

(skin sizzling)

(Officer Truman sighs)

- What the fuck?

(tense foreboding music)

Get back in that cell.

Now.

Don't make me do this, boy.

Get back in that cell!

(gunshots firing)

(Nico crashes)

(Officer Truman exhaling)

Fuck.

(soft tense music)

(soft tense music continues)

(dark tense music) (pulse thumping)

I'd have only taken what I needed,

but they saw fit to spill all of your blood.

It's perverse.

But you will educate them, I expect.

(both growling)

(voice whispers) (thumping fades)

(footsteps approach)

(Officer Truman sighing)

(dial tone buzzing) (buttons beeping)

(call ringing)

- [Chief] Police chief.

(dark dramatic music)

(Nico growls)

- I admit I'm hungry.

But I think I can do better

than pig's blood.

Go on, little pig.

Go hide in your house of stone.

(soft tense music continues)

- [Chief] Hello?

Anyone there?

(keys clacking)

(soft tense music continues)

(soft tense music continues)

- [Stranger] Once upon a time, there will three little pigs

who felt no obligation to share their world

with the wolf.

They called him big and bad,

and taught the other pigs to fear him

and all his kind.

They were hateful to him,

and threw his family in cages.

The next part of the story I am sure you have heard,

but you will soon learn the true ending.

One day, the wolf's anger became so strong

that not even a house of brick and stone

could thwart him.

(bat squeaks) (wings flap)

- And that brings us to the end

of another episode of "The Night Time World".

I hope that you have enjoyed our time together

as much as I have.

If so, please consider subscribing

and give us a rating on the platform

on which you are watching this.

Thank you, and we'll see you next time

on "The Night Time World".

(Nada sighs)

(static buzzing)

Hello?

- [Vampire 1 ] I was thinking as you told

that indictment story,

I've come to a decision.

- A decision about what?

- [Vampire 1] I'm not going to seal him up

and starve him.

- Good.

- [Vampire 1] He has such beautiful huge windows

in his apartment.

It's what he wanted, right?

Why am I going to waste such a gift on him?

Even if it tortures him,

punishes him for his ignorance.

- Listen, the podcast is over.

There's nobody listening, there's nobody watching.

Like, it's done.

Thank you, I-I appreciate what you tried to do tonight,

but it's time to go to bed now.

- [Vampire 1] I have one more stop before bed.

- Where?

(knocking at door)

- You gonna stay on the phone all night,

or let me in?

Another gift.

(soft tense music)

(knocking at door)

(soft tense music continues)

(soft tense music continues)

(unlocks door)

(door creaking)

Let's change your life.

(dark dramatic music)

(dark dramatic music continues)

(dark dramatic music continues)

(dark dramatic music continues)

(music ends)