All language subtitles for Jim. Breuer. Comic. Frenzy. 2015. 1080p. English

* ( heavy metal )

( audience cheering )

MAN:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please help me welcome...

Jim Breuer!

( cheers and applause )

( heavy metal
playing over sound system )

All right.

'Sup.

MAN: Breuer!

Yeah!

( cheering )

I'm proud of you, Long Island,
you made it tonight.

"I'm gonna go see Breuer,
I don't... ( muttering )..."

That's right, thank you.

( cheering )

Yeah.

Go ahead, settle in there,
settle--

Double-fister, look at you.

That's Long Island, right there.

You know what I like
about Long Island?

First of all, I play
the whole country, okay?

And they say,
"Oh, Texas got some pride."

And they do.

But nobody has pride
like Long Islanders.

( cheering )

I started stand-up comedy here
in Long Island,

I think in Elmont, yeah.

That's why I do rock guys,
my first guy was Ozzy.

And I would imitate him, like,
"This next band is really great,

ha ha ha ha!-- you guys
are gonna love these guys."

Now, here it is
a couple years later,

um, the band Metallica, right?

( imitating Hetfield )
"Yeah. Yeah! Yeah. Yeah!

"Yeah yeah, yeah yeah!

Yeah! Yeah. Yeah."

Which is--

which is really--it's stupid.

He doesn't talk like that
or act like that all day long.

"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."

"Huh? Yeah. Ooh! Yeah."

Although--Although it'd be
funny if he did, ya know?

That's a new reality show,
like, "This week we have

four of the most famous
hard rock metal guys

"and they're gonna try
to return a stool.

Let's see them walk into
the service center right now."

Yeah, like Ozzy just comes--

( imitates Ozzy Osbourne
mumbling )

"Sir, you okay?"

( mumbling )

"Aha ha ha!

All right!!!"

"Can I--can I talk
to the guy behind him?"

"Yeah! Yeah!

"Yeah! Yeah!

Cheah! Yeh."

"Do you have a receipt, sir?"

"Oooh!"

( laughs )

Angus Young is behind him,

no guitar,
just hanging out in Sears.

( mumbling )

"Awright, can I talk
to that guy?"

The lead singer of AC/DC
comes in. "Oooh!

(shrieking)
"I'd like to return the chair!

"Fire! ( imitates explosion )

"Fire!
( imitates explosion )

"Fire! Yeah! Yeah! Fire!"

( cheers and applause )

"Guys, do you have a receipt?"

"Oooh!

"We ain't got a receipt!

"Fire! ( imitates explosion )"

(mumbling)
"He doesn't have a receipt."

"Join 'em next week
when they try to put
a brand-new toilet in."

( laughs )
I'd watch that show. Anyway...

so, we go on cruises, right?

Yeah. That's humanity
at its worst.

( blows into microphone )

There's something about
being out in a boat,

just as soon as you
look at the ship you're like,

"Oh, wow.

How does that thing float?"

( laughs ) Dummies.

And then you get on a boat,
this is 5,000 people,

you're wasted
soon as you get on the boat,

like, "Have a drink!
Get wasted!"

"Oh, all right!
Thank you!"

Lookin' for your cabin
for nine hours.

"Where's Promenade deck?"

I worked on a cruise,
I did a metal cruise.

Yes. It was Motorhead...

It was the ugliest human beings
I ever seen in my life.

( laughs )

You were on there, Hammer?

( laughter )

And that's another thing.

We need to help
cruise boat workers.

They're--they're not workers.

They're not. I'm convinced
they're hostages.

They're all from,
like, Indonesia,

they all got that look
soon as you get on the boat,

"Oh, somebody help me.

"I been trapped on this boat
four generations,

"they stole me,
my whole family,

"they make me have children...

"My nephew making pizza.
He know nothing about pizza.

"Help us. Please.

Look, there's my son,
he's painting."

And none of 'em speak English.
They just have that look.

"Ah, this is your room.
Okay. Okay."

You want to scare the death
out of poor Indonesian people,

roll up on their island
in the middle of the night

and just go...
( imitates foghorn )

( imitates foghorn )

'Cause that's how they get them,
that's how they recruit them.

"Don't let him in the jungle!
Get him!"

"I got him, I got him!

"Open up the hatch,
open up the hatch!"

"Teach that one how to make
cute animals out of towels."

Right before
the ship goes out,

they do that really
unnecessary security thing.

Ya know, the captain's like,
"It's mandatory that, um,

"you look on your card
and you'll see where
the rescue section is.

"Everyone if you hear...
( imitates alarm )...

"that means the boat
is in turmoil. However,
it won't happen.

"We expect you
in an orderly fashion--"

Yeah, yeah, okay.

The objective of a boat
is to get you wasted...

beyond belief.

So yeah, you're gonna hear...
( imitates alarm )...

like, "Oh, we gotta
find our section."

( slurring )
"Everyone walk orderly."

We've all seen Titanic.

lf you're on a cruise boat
and you hear...

( imitates alarm )

...look to whoever you're with
and go,

"We had a nice run."

And don't be amongst
the thousands looking
for the security area.

Just look for
the heaviest human being,

push them overboard.

They're not gonna make it,

they're not gonna
let 'em in the boat.

"You're too big! I'm sorry!
You're gonna have to wait!"

"Come on!

"Come on! ( muttering )

Come on!"

'Cause they're gonna be floaters
in twenty seconds.

Yeah, you want to
hold on to that.

"There's that guy!"

And you can watch
all the Indonesians
swimming back to--

"Oh, finally we free!"

( imitates foghorn )

I turned, uh, 47 this year.

( cheers )

Nah. Nah, not feelin' it.

( laughter )

I'm not feelin' it.
I do not enjoy getting older.

I--it's just little things,
like I pulled a muscle...

in--like, right next
to my butthole...

I didn't even know
there was muscles there.

And I wasn't taking yoga,
kick-boxing,

or--or sprinting,

all I did was like,
"I'll go warm the car up--"

Pssshh! "Oh God!"

( laughter )

"Oh, no!"

I'm trying to massage it out,

and the kids are like,
"What are you doing, Dad?

What's wrong with your heinie?"

"Go get Mom. Go get Mom!"

"Ma, Dad did something wrong
with his heinie hole,

he's holding it
against the car."

And when you're like over forty,
it's embarrassing,

you gotta go to rehab.

You know how embarrassing it is?

"Okay, you pulled a muscle in
your rectum, so you want to...

you want to swivel your..."

( mumbling )

You're next to someone,
just "aaahhhh..."

( imitating old woman )
"It's nice to have
someone else in here.

"What happened to you?

Did you have a stroke?"

"No, I pulled a muscle
in my heinie."

"Oh. It never goes away."

( laughter )

They said I got--
because when I drive,

I get a pain from my butt

and it goes down my legs,
so the doctor--

we're so far advanced,
the rest of the world--

you know what I gotta do?

"Get a tennis ball,

"if you can't get a tennis ball,

stop at a 7-Eleven
and get an apple

"and stick it
in your rear end...

...and while you're driving,
you want to massage it--"

On my life. "--massage it,
"and you wanna stick it

right next to where
your heinie hole is..."

You know how creepy I look
at a red light?

"Hey, what's up.

Pulled a muscle
in my heinie."

( laughs )

Gettin' old is not fun, man.

I see it. I see my first--

'Cause once you start
hitting forties,

you start thinking,
"All right...

"I hope I make to,
like, eighty." Right?

Eighty's a good number,
some people say seventy,

I think eighty's a good,
like, "Yeah, I'm want to
make it to eighty."

But what we forget
is the little side things.

You know, you don't think
about stuff like a slipped disc.

You know, like you're 52,
and you're, like,

I'm gonna go up the stairs.
Oh, God!

Don't touch me.
Don't touch me!

Oh, God, don't touch me!

What's the matter?
I don't know.

I just can't move
in this position.

Is it your heiney hole again?

You know, my mom's 78.

She went blind
in one eye, right?

And so she's got liquid
coming out of that eye, right?

Ugh, it's horrible!
( pathetic groan )

She's got her little
handkerchief,

just dipping the eye.

And that's just the surface
of the problem.

You've gotta go home and you
gotta deal with your kids.

Your kids see that, like,
oh, God, no!

Dad, what's wrong
with Nana's face?

She's blind
in her one eye,

and the liquid comes out--
Oh, God, I--I can't!

Go out and play with her.

What am I supposed
too play with her, Dad?

If we touch her,
does that happen?

No.

Go play hide and seek
with her.

Hide on her left side,
she'll never find you.

Because her one eye's blind,
you bring in the doctors.

Doctors aren't the same today,
they're just matter-of-fact.

We go to the doctor,
and, like, you know,

her eye keeps seeping.

Well, here's the situation.
Um...

she had a stroke
years ago,

so the nerve endings are dead,
so the eye is dead.

So basically, um...
take the eyeball out.

I could do that in two hours
right here in the office.

( laughter )

She's got great
medical coverage.

Or we sew it halfway shut.

It's up to you.
Talk to your mother.

Ma, you wanna wear a,
uh, a pirate hat?

And I'll get you
a little hook.

It sounds cool, you know.

A little hook
and a patch.

Arrrgh!
It'll be fun.

We'll have "Pirate Day".
You in?

You wanna do this?

So she's gonna walk
around the house

with her one eye,
you know.

Like a parakeet--
that's what she looks like.

Just walking around...
( squawks )

And she's starting
to get dementia,

so she just stands there
at the window

waiting for the mailman--
( squawks )

The mailman comes,
she gets excited,
like feeding time.

Mailman! Mailman!
( squawks )

And the dementia--

there's this thing
called "sundowning",

which means,
during part of the day,

when the sun reaches
a certain point,

their minds go crazy.

So she starts getting
really obsessive after 2:00 p.m.

( squawks )

And she starts pressing
all the buttons in the house.

And I've got electric shades,

so the shades are going
up and down,

the microwave oven's on--
( imitating power surge )

My garage door--
( imitating power surges )

Which is fine and good,
but now,

you know, the kids
in the neighborhood,

they think my house
is haunted.

So at 3:00
they start gathering.

They're like, watch.
Watch what happens
to this house.

There goes the window shades.
Look, look, look!

( imitating power surges )
There goes the garage!

Look at the garage!
I told you.

( imitating power surges )

She's in the window.

The ghost, look at her.

The one-eyed ghost.
( squawks )

Mailman!

( cheers and applause )

Sorry to say this,
but I support Dr. Kevorkian.

Hey, unless you lived it,
I'm sorry.

My mom's starting
to get Alzheimer's.

She doesn't know where
she's at.

In one sentence she goes
you look great.

The next one, she's like,
I gotta walk my elephant.

It's sad to watch go down,

but, I'm not gonna lie to you,
there's times

where I just feel like
bringing her to a cliff

and go, Ma--
Everyone gather 'round.

Nana's lived a great life.

She thinks she's on a unicorn,
turn the other way.

She's in a happier place now.

Who was winning?
Pharmaceutical!

That's who was winning.

No she's in a good place,
you know.

We know what to do with an
animal when they're done.

Right? You bring it
to the vet.

You'll hold out
bringing them to the vet,

but there's a time
when you know

gotta bring 'em to the vet.

You'll hold on
to your little dog.

What's up with your dog?
Dog's laying there...

he's got an oxygen tank--
( imitating oxygen droning )

Missing chunks of fur.

Has no tail, just a stub.

Is that thing all right?
That's Mr. Fritz

Um...

Mr. Fritz was supposed to die
when he was eight year old,

because these breeds have
bad organs,

but he's our little miracle.

He's 17 years old,
aren't you?

He's got no teeth,
he can't see.

He can't chew, so we make him
spaghetti every day.

Right, Mr. Fritz?

You can pet him,
just don't touch his tumors.

He growls.

( sinister chuckle )

( imitating dog growling )
Oh, yeah, that's...

( chuckles )

He wipes his heiney
on the rug, but it's okay.

We pick him up and we
bring him outside,

and we scoop the poop
out of his heiney.

It's okay, we love him.
We love Mr. Fritz.

And you'll hold on
to Mr. Fritz

as long as you can until...
he can't hold it.

He's just sitting there,
and he's...

( flatulence )

That's when you go, okay,
um...

this is not a way to live.

We're gonna have to
bring Mr. Fritz to the vet.

( flatulence )

Oh, Lord!

It's in the heating--
in the--

I can't get in there.
That's--

( flatulence )
Oh, okay!

Bring him behind the garage

and hit him with a shovel
and dig a grave.

Mr. Fritz-- This is no way
to live for Mr. Fritz.

( flatulence )
Oh, my brand-new jeans!

Bring him to the vet.

What do you do
when a human does that?

You know, like grandpa.

Or your father's hanging out
by the kitchen table.

He doesn't even know it.
( incoherent muttering )

( flatulence )

And you walk by him,
and you just catch it.

You're like, hey, Dad--
( gags )

When humans start
dropping deuces in their pants,

you've got a decision
to make.

What are you gonna do?

You gonna bring 'em home,

or are you gonna
send 'em somewhere?

Neither choice is easy,
I'll tell you that right now.

Neither choice is easy.

I--I--I took my dad in.

Wasn't an easy one.
Okay?

Because he couldn't control
his bowel movement.

He'd go,
I gotta go to toilet.

Never mind.

( laughter )

( chuckles )

No one's prepared
to clean that.

There's no YouTube video--
This is what happens

when your family members
start dropping deuces
in their pants.

It's just you're
thrown into it.

I was on Harlem River Drive,

heading up to
the George Washington Bridge.

And as I'm on the bridge--

I got the kids in the back,

so that raises the stakes
a whole lot.

And he's next to me,
and he drops a deuce

in his pants.

And he doesn't even know it.

Hey, a beautiful day out.
Look at the river.

And it's not like--
You ever smell a diaper?

A bad diaper.
There's a warning.

You know, you're sitting there,
you're like--

( sniffing )
Ooh!

Oh, wow.

Someone has to get changed
when we get home, huh?

Did you try some
new food today?

And the baby's--
( muttering gibberish )

But when an adult--
a grown adult...

And these pipes are,
like, 80 years old,

and the diet,
and they got pills.

There's no warning.
When it comes out,

it goes right up your nostrils,

and it goes past
all your sense--

it goes right for
your gag reflex immediately.

And you don't even know
it's coming.

You're like, hey--
( retching )

I'm--I'm talking about

you can't even
keep your eyes open.

So you can't drive
and try to--

( retching )

All right, ( gags )
we're gonna slow down.

We're gonna ( gags )--
We're gonna slow down.

( gags )
You can tell he's embarrassed.

He's, like,
I gotta act like that?

( retching )

I'm sorry, it's not you.
You thought it was you?

No, ( gags )--
I'm--

Go around!

( retching )

Get going!

Dad, it's not you,
it's the air refreshener.

( retching )

I'm aller--
I'm allergic to the--

( gags )

I'm allergic
to the air refreshener.

I'm gonna write 'em
a nasty letter

and let 'em know I'm
disappointed with their pro--

( gags )
I'm disappointed
with this product!

But then the kids smell it,

and then you're in trouble.

You see 'em
in the rearview mirror just--

(laughing)

( retching )

Open--
Unlock the window, Dad!

( retching )

Someone stepped in it.
You don't smell it?

Someone-- (retches )

Someone stepped in doody, Dad.

Grandpa, did you step
in doody?

Smells like you.
( retches )
Smells like you.

Guys, lis-- listen.

It's the air refreshener.
We're all allergic--

We're allergic to it.

I'm gonna write them
a letter,

Let 'em kno--
( retches )

Let 'em know
how disappointed I am.

I got pulled over,
'cause the cop thought

I was texting, 'cause the car
was driving like a maniac.

And that's, you know,
you see the way I look.

Everyone knows the way I look.

So I always look toasted.

And I can't--I can't
unlock the window.

And he's like,
open the window!

I'm like--
( retching )

Are you drinking?
Open the--

( retching )
One second.

I open up that window,
he's like,

What the hell--
( retching violently )

( retching violently )

Yeah, and you know what?

It doesn't end in the car.

I wish it did,
but it doesn't.

Someone's gotta clean that.

Who's cleaning?
You calling your friend?

You're gonna call your friend--

Charlie, can you help me out?
With what?

( retches )
Listen...

My fa-- My father just--

Oh, dude, I'm--
I'm in Mexico.

( chuckles )

There's no hotline to call.

Like, 1-800,
what's your problem?

( retching )
Listen...

my fa--
My father, he--

Oh, God, he pooped
all in his pants.

It-- It's in his sock,
it's in my ca--

( retching )
It's in my car.

Call me when you want
to end your life, sorry!

( laughter )

There's no cleaning kits

for--for cleaning
an adult that dropped
a deuce in their pants.

No one's got gloves
and all that.
You know what you need?

On my life,
you know what I did?

I got a rake. You need
a rake 'cause you don't
want to touch that.

'Cause when you
get a visual, oh, God.

Oh, God.
So I took a rake
and I took those pants off.

Dad, step out of your shoe--
( growling, mumbling )

I took it and I made
a bonfire. All the clothes
went in the bonfire.

And then I got a hose.
I had to hose him off.

Wet-Naps ain't doing that.

A baby you put on the
changing table, lift their
butt, you clean it in there.

This is a human being,
200 pounds, can't walk.

You hose him down.

And at point blank--
( hose noises )

And just when you think
you've conquered everything,

you start seeing the water
and you go--
( fake throwing up )

( laughter )

It's like a Third World
country river forming.

Hah-hah!
It's going down the driveway,

through the
whole neighborhood.

( laughter )

You know Long Island:

"What the hell?"
( throws up )
"What is this?"

( laughter )

( throwing up )
What are you dumping
on there?

There's buzzards landing.
( groans )

( laughter )

Should the dog
be drinking this?

( lapping water )

"Mr. Fran--"
"No!"

Kids are on their bikes.
"My grandpa pooped his pants!"

( laughter )

"You see
the Willy Wonka river?"

( laughter )

It's coming for my grandpa.
Watch what happens
when you smell it.

( throwing up )

( laughter )

Thank God.
'Cause there
was one big spot.

Just think.
He was sittin'. Said,
"I gotta get that spot

from behind," right?

And it's in there
'cause he was sittin'.

So and I gotta get closer
with the hose.

Thank God the older men
get we hang.

So...I got, like, "okay."

( exhales )

"Just pretend you're
at the carnival."

( laughter )

"I really wanna win
this stuffed animal."

So, point blank,
I hit him.

( shoots )
And it's right on.

( guzzling )

Sixteen--twenty seconds
a clip, I'm keeping it
by his belly button.

( guzzling )

Then I sta-- ( laughs )

( laughter )

Then I start hitting on
an angle and make it twist.

( laughs )
( guzzling )

( laughs )

Looks like a boxer
on a speed bag.

Ping!
( hitting punching bag )

And I just remember going,
"Dad, are you all right?"

And he goes,
"You know what, it
actually feels really good."

( laughter, clapping )

"Do me a favor,
just do this me this favor."

I said, "I love you.

Whatever you want."

"Don't tell anyone."

"Yeah, okay."

( giggles )

( clapping, cheering )

Can't even make this up.

My wife,
love her to death,

um...love of my life.
Met her here in Long Island.

( cheers )

That's--that's right.

Going on 22 years now.
With that said,

she loves animals!

I'm not talkin' like,
"You're adorable,"

I mean--

Whoo!

Like that.

( laughter )

But maybe even worse.
Like she's cra--

Case in scenario,
we're leaving and as always,
we're late for something.

You gotta get three kids
in the car,
ready to go somewhere,

and as we're leaving,
I see this little mossy spot
in the garage.

Now, you know,
it's like January.

Okay? It's freezing out.
She comes walking out,
she's like, "What is that?"

Now the kids are like,
"Oh, what's going on?"

She's, "Let me--
let me Google it!
Oh, it's a--it's a cocoon

from a monarch butterfly.
We should try to save it."

"Oh, whoa whoa whoa.
If it is a cocoon,
this butterfly is stupid

because it's January and
it shouldn't deserve to live.

"I'm sorry.
Let it stay there.
Let's go.

We got to go."
"You know what? You should
respect the circle of life.

That's ridiculous."

And now the kids are like,
"We can make this a project!

We can make this a project!"

"It's not a project.
It's a cocoon!
Leave it!"

"You're so evil!"
"I'm evil?"

"'Cause I don't want
to help a stupid butterfly

that made a cocoon and if it,
let's say it does hatch,

it's gonna live four hours,
I mean what do we do--"

So now this big argument
starting like, "You don't
even respect life--"

She calls up a specialist

on butterflies.

Which--who even
knew that existed?

So she's on the phone
with a pen,

"All right, slow down,
slow down, so...
I have a bay window.

"Okay? So I'll stick it
in the bay window

on that old dry--
and then it'll hatch?

"How---okay. So I need liquid
sugar to feed the butterfly

and a toothpick to unra--
okay, I got--"

Now I'm watching this,
like, "Are you crazy?"

And I start thinking,
"Who's crazier?

"My wife going
through this,

"or the butterfly specialist
on the line,

"who's waiting around going,
'Maybe some day--Bling!

Ooh, I can save
a butterfly today!'"

( laughter )

"I've went to school
for years for this."

"Butterfly specialist,
can I help you?"

I'm in a garage:
( retching )

No help.
This butterfly--"Oh, let
me walk you through this."

There's a lady waiting
to help her.

So here we are, all right?

People coming over like, "What's
up with the box and the...

the cotton?"
"Eh, don't ask."

Kids like, "It's
the circle of life.
It's a project we're doing.

Mommy's trying
to save a butterfly."

And we stick this thing
in a bay window.

And...not gonna lie,

about a week into it,
stupid thing opens up.

And a butterfly comes out.

Now they're like,
"We're gonna name him Hermy.

See, Dad?
You give life a chance?"

And they write,
"Day seven, Hermy's
now it's coming alive."

My wife walked by like,
"I hope you're satisfied
with yourself."

Like, "It's
gonna end tragically."

"How dare you--"
( mumbles )

( sighs )
Sure enough, they stick
this thing in a bay window.

The sun comes out.
She's got the liquid thing,
she's feeding it.

She's unraveling its nose.

So it can
feed the butterfly.

And then...I'll be darned.

The freaking
wings start moving.
This is a true story.

It starts moving,
and that's--that's
when I felt like,

"Oh...you know what, man?"
A little hope.

And I felt--I felt so good
for the butterfly
and this thing took flight.

It was like,
"Ah! Hermy's flyin'!"

So now this thing's
in the living room and
we're trying to catch it

and "Get the camera!"
We're video-taping Hermy.

And he's going past
through the couch and he
lands right on the windowsill

where the cat's
waiting for him.
( munches )

( laughter )

( laughs )
A week later,

Hermy came out as
a colorful--there's your
circle of life right there.

There's your--

( laughter )

Project over.

( applause )

Hermy.
( laughs )

Two summers ago,
my wife and I and the kids,
we go on a trip.

A friend of ours called
and said, "Hey, would you
like to go to Africa with us?

On a safari."
"Wow!

Yeah! Love to do that."
"'Cause yeah, we're going
to Tanzania,

twelve-night safari."
"Awesome!"

Now I got a 7 year old,
9 year old, 11 year old.

We're gonna go to Africa.
Now, because he's
setting it up,

I don't really look
at the itinerary.

I figure he's got it.
About two weeks before we go,

I get the itinerary
and I see we're staying
in tents.

Like, "Whoa!"

So we're gonna be
in the middle of nowhere
and our home is just--

( unzips tent )

( deep voice )
"Come on in.

You'll be safe,
ha ha ha!"

Like, "Ahh, I don't--"
Then my wife's going,
"Can I see the itinerary?"

"No, just no. Not yet.

It's gonna be good though.
It's gonna be good."

So now I have
to do research.

And so I went on YouTube.
"All right.

'People getting eaten
on a safari.'"

And I'll be darned,
right away, bing!

Five million views,
"Man eaten on safari."

Like, "Oh! My Go--"
So I watch this thing.

Now I'm not gonna lie to you,
because you're watching this,

people at home are gonna
be watching this.

The video does exist.
And you're gonna look at it.

"Man getting eaten
on a safari."

I'm gonna warn you now.
The first five times
you watch the video,

it's a little rough
and confusing.

'Cause you're like,
"Wow, are those lions
really biting him?

That's his leg twisting?
Wow, that's real."

But from the sixth time on,
it's pretty funny.

( laughter )

You can't believe humans
are that dumb.

So, okay, here's the video.
It's an English guy, right?

I'm assuming he's English
'cause he's videota--
his teeth and his ears.

His ears are like.

( gargling in English accent )
"Oh, animal getting eaten
by a--lion, how brilliant,

absolutely brilliant.
What's going on here?"

( grumbles )

Looked like he was waiting
for a soccer ball.

"Is that a soccer ball?
Excuse me."

( makes kicking sound )

"The whole world
should play soccer."

( kicking noises )

"Can't use your hands,
you know."

( kicking noises )

Can't stand that sport.
Can't stand soccer.

Dumb, annoying.

( cheering )

( British accent )
"Oh, you should watch soccer."

( sports announcer voice )
"Ah, what a brilliant game
we've had here in Manchester.

It's been nil-nil
for nine straight months."

( laughter )

"No one has scored.
Some of the best
playing we've ever seen.

"The audience
is absolutely decapitating
each other's heads.

"Beer drinking festival--
oh, wait, someone's
getting--no, no, nothing.

"And the game is over.
Nope! It's not over.

We're not sure when it's over.
We'll continue playing."

And then you watch this
dumb game and all it is
it's just called "faking."

'Cause that's all it is.
Every three minutes,
this is what I see.

( getting hit )

( laughter )

"Oh, no,
Ian McGillicuddy is hurt."

"Great Britain can not afford
to lose Ian McGillicuddy.

"He is their top scorer.

"Perhaps he was kicked
from behind.

"Let's watch instant replay.

See what happened to him."

Nothing! He's faking!

( laughter )

Sorry. Africa. Sorry.

( laughter )

Huh. Whoops.

Okay.

Again, the first five times
you watch this video,

it's rough.

So this English guy

is videotaping.

( chuckles )

And the lions
are eating a zebra.

The first move he makes,
I get it.

He sticks his butt
out the window.

He sticks his body out
and he's videotaping.

"Oh, look..."

( laughter )

"They're gnawing
on his backside.

You can see the meat dangling
from their bodies.

Brilliant footage."

( laughter )

"Perhaps I can sell this
to National Geographic."

Is that a soccer ball? Okay."

And so I get this move.

I would do this because,
you know,

in case the lion looked at you.

( roars )

You have enough time
to get in the car,

roll up the window,
and then, you know...

Beep. "Yeah, what's up, lion?"

( laughter )

"I'm in the car, stupid."

( imitates horn )

( laughter )

But this guy
opens up the car door.

And now he's standing
behind the car door.

Lions are 15 feet away,
eating, snarling.

There's one point where the
one lion snarls at the other.

( snarls )

( roaring )

That would've been
enough for me.

"All right, let's go see if we
can find ostriches."

( imitates revving engine )

This guy goes,
"Oh, I must get a closer look."

( laughter )

"Ooh, yes, I can see right
inside the carcass."

And that's when the lions
are like, "Pfft."

( laughter )

"I guess we have dessert."

( laughter )

And they take him down,
start gnawing on him.

By the time the people come,
it's too late.

Now...

( laughter )

Deserved it.

( laughter )

Here's the sick part.

If you watch that video,

it goes into a documentary.

And the documentary
is really sad,

but the family sues
the safari company

for negligence.

They're negligent!

Can you imagine?

That stuff happens in America.

"I'm gonna sue you!"

That doesn't fly
outside this country.

And I give the Brits
a lot of credit,

'cause that judge came in,
difficult thing, he comes in...

"Court is in session."

( laughter )

"First of all..."

( laughter )

"Order! Order!"

"First of all, I'd like to give
my condolences

"to the tragic situation
at hand

"and why we're
in court here today.

"I cannot imagine the emotions
you must be dealing with

on a daily basis."

( laughter )

"However, we cannot
decide things on emotions.

"We can only
deal with the facts.

"And I've been reviewing
these facts

"for many months now,
and I just in my own chambers

watched the video."

"And I must say...

"the first five times
that I watched that video...

"I couldn't believe it!

"But the sixth time,
I thought it was amusing.

"I'm sorry, but he deserved it.
Case dismissed.

Who's up for soccer?"

( laughter )

"Oh, me calf."

( cheers and applause )

But we did go to Africa.
We end up going anyway.

I didn't tell my wife
we were staying in tents.

So we land in Africa,
right?

And we're going--we see lions,
buffalo, cheetah, baboons,

and it's gettin' dark and
we roll up on the tent. Whoop!

And that's when the kids and
my wife are like,

"Whoa, whoa,
wait, whoa, what's going on?"

And the safari guy goes,
"Listen, do not be worried.

"Tonight you're going
to hear lions,

"and you're going
to hear hyenas.

"They'll be all around the tent
hunting all evening.

"Whatever you do,
do not scream

"or turn on
any of your phone lights

"because then
the animals know

something's inside the tent."

( laughter )

"So what--what keeps them
from coming in the tent?"

"Just keep it zipped and
locked and you will be safe.

Enjoy the night."

( laughter )

Yeah, you look at
your wife and kids,

you're like, "Well,
all right, you heard 'em."

"I'm gonna lock up.
You guys put your jammies on."

And that feeling
of locking up,

there's no, like,
"click, click, bolt,"

it's just--
( farting zipper noise )

( fart zipper continues )

"I don't know about you guys,
I feel good about this.

Let me double check."

( zipper noise )

"Yup. We're safe.
We're safe."

( laughter )

So it's the middle
of the night, okay?

First thing I hear--
the kids are sleeping,

my wife's sleeping--
first thing I hear

is thousands of wildebeests
all over the place.

( imitating wildebeests )

And I'm sitting up in my tent.

( imitating wildebeests )

And they're getting closer.

( imitating wildebeests )

And now I hear...

( imitating lions )

( imitating lions )

When you hear that noise,

it's the most haunting noise.

You ever hear that...

( imitating lions )

'Cause you know what that means?

That means they're plotting.

That's how they speak
when they're plotting.

So right now,
somewhere outside my tent,

I've got a pride of lions
going...

( roars )

( roars )

( roaring )

So I don't panic until I hear
all the wildebeests running.

( imitating
wildebeests running )

And I hear one taken down.

( imitating
wildebeest groaning )

And the lion starts eating him.
( imitates eating )

And I went, "All right,
it's really sad."

But then I hear...

So he's over here,
and I hear...

( growling )

( roaring )

This went on for three hours.

( laughter )

You can't scream.

( roaring )

What are we gonna do?

( roaring )

"We're safe. It's locked.
We're safe."

( laughter )

So we survived the first night.

Okay.

Now, here it is.
Now's the big safari.

We come up with our jeeps,
three jeeps, the tops open up.

The tops are open
so you can stand

and check out
wild animals, right?

So the first jeep,
it's me, my wife,

and the other couple.

Middle jeep,
it's my pre-teenagers

and their pre-teenagers,
like, my ten-year-old.

And the last jeep
is my seven-year-old

who could care less
she's in Africa.

All she cares about
is she doesn't have to wear

a seat belt, that's all she--

"I don't have to wear
a seat belt."

( laughter )

"Dad, I don't have to wear
a seat belt.

"He said I don't have to wear
a seat belt.

Can we move here?"

( laughter )

Look it, look at all
the animals.

"I don't have to wear
a seat belt."

So we're passing cheetah,
wild boars, lions.

"I don't have to..."
She's not even looking.

"I don't have to wear
a seat belt."

We roll up on these--
on these elephants,

a whole big pride
of elephants, right?

And I stop and I have
a brand-new video camera.

I'm videotaping. Spent like
a thousand dollars on the thing.

It's HD. I'm staring at 'em.
I'm zooming in.

And we turn off our engines
so we can listen to them.

As we were looking,
the baby comes out.

It's, like, curious.

( huffing )

It's so young,
it can't make the noise.

( imitates weak
elephant trumpet )

( laughter )

( imitates weak
elephant trumpet )

And everyone's going,
"Are you getting this?"

"Well, yes, I'm getting it.
Of course I'm getting it.

Could someone tell our daughter
to look at the baby?"

"I don't have to wear
a seat belt."

( laughter )

And while I'm videotaping
this thing,

my wife goes, "You know,
we should be careful...

"because if the baby
gets too close,

"the mother might get mad
and they charge, right?

Don't they charge?"

I said, "No, they don't charge.
Why would you--"

And as soon as I said that,

the mother elephant was like,

"No, no, no,
your wife has a good point."

( laughter )

And it charged.

It's not coming to me, it's not
going to the middle jeep.

Hand to God, it's going for
my seven-year-old daughter,

who's not even--
doesn't even know

there's a bull elephant
running toward her.

"I don't have to wear
a seat belt."

And this thing's at full charge.

( trumpeting )

Now, I'm not gonna lie to you.

I'm just being honest.

I'm videotaping...

and you have a decision
to make here.

( laughter )

I mean, who has video
of a charging elephant

with a child
or anyone in your family?

Who has that?
No one has that video.

I YouTubed.
It's not there.

( laughter )

So I'm watching this thing run.

I'm like, "Oh, God,
should I keep this rolling?

I have to,
this is amazing footage."

( trumpeting )

I'm like,
"God, is this awesome!"

And then I realize
it's not stopping.

And that's when I went,

( groaning )
bad father, let me just...

( screams )
and I couldn't--
I couldn't even scream.

and this elephant,
swear to God,
hit the truck.

Daughter goes flyin'.
Pow--goes down.

This thing pushed it
about 20 feet,
( screeching noise )

shoved it against a tree,
looked at us,
( elephant noise )

( elephant blaring )

( elephant blaring )

( elephant blaring )

Daughter's fine.

All she's concerned about is,
she gets out, like,

"You know I have to
wear a seat belt, right?
...wear a seatbelt?"

But now everyone turns
to me and they go,
"Did you get that on video?"

I go, "No."
"Uh!"

"You didn't get that on video?
How do you not get
an elephant charging?"

I said, "I--

"I'm sorry I didn't
get the potential mauling

"of my seven-year-old daughter.

"What kind of human being
would keep that video going

"not knowing what
was gonna happen?

"I dropped the camera to make
sure she was all right--
I couldn't even scream

"'cause I was in such a panic
and I'm sorry I didn't
capture the video.

"I'm sorry I'm not
a sick human being

I didn't get it. Sorry!"

Without even hesitation
my oldest daughter goes,

"I got it."

( audience cheers )

"You wanna see your face
in freeze frame?

"Check this out."

The worst part about
the whole thing,
when it was over

you ever--you ever
almost get in an accident
or be so scared in your life

you don't realize how tense
you were until the moment's over

and your body's
naturally shaking?

When this was over,
I found myself, just,
naturally shaking.

The worst part was,

I dropped a little bit
of a deuce.

And everyone knew something
was going on with me,

like, "What's the matter
with you?"

"I might have to
go to the vet."

(cheers and applause)

You know, a couple years ago
when Hurricane Sandy hit,

it beat up where I live,
out in Jersey,

and it beat Long Island up
really bad.

That was the first time
in my life I felt vulnerable,
just as a human.

You heard about people
breaking in and fights,

and people out in line for gas,
and taking each other out.

And up until that moment,
I never feared anything.

My security system,
I'm very secure with.

I have, um, under my bed
I keep a whole case
of tennis balls.

Now, why do I keep
a case of tennis balls?

'Cause I grew up here
in Long Island where stick ball

was the greatest thing
in the world.

So, in--in my mind,
I really have this vision
of one day goin',

"I hope some dummy
breaks in my house."

You know, it's pitch black
and they're goin' through
the house, goin',

"I think--I think
he has a safe over here,
is it--"

( sound of tennis ball
being hit )

( tennis balls )

"What's goin' on?"

( tennis ball )

Me goin', "You picked
the wrong house, that's
what's goin on."

( tennis ball )

( tennis ball )

"Yeah, check your forehead,
Spalding."

( tennis ball )

However,

when a situation
like a hurricane hits
and you have no gas,

no electricity goin'
two or three weeks,

I had this vision of people
showing up at my house,

knockin' on the door,
and goin'

(knocking noise)
"I heard you got canned food
and women in the house."

"We're gonna need
more tennis balls."

I'm just being honest.

It's the first time
in my life, petrified of them,

it's the first time
I thought about getting
a firearm, okay?

I started asking around,
"Okay, man, do you got
firearms?"

I was shocked how many
of my friends had firearms.

"Oh yeah, I got firearms."

"Where?"
"Come in my basement, look at--"

( machine gun noise )

( explosion )

"You want a bazooka?"
"No, I don't want a bazooka!"

So, I started, I went
through the process,

Got... got fingerprinted,

I go, "Yeah, I'm thinking
about a gun."

He goes, "Oh, I'm glad
you did that,
take a training course,

"think about it.
You don't have to purchase,
just...

look into a training..."
And I start thinking,
"Aw, man.

"I don't know if I can have one
because I'd ruin it
for really good gun owners."

'Cause there are people
out there, like,
"You know what, man,

"you gotta respect it
and keep it locked and safe."

Because if I ever did get a gun,
I'd--I'm just being honest--

I don't even know
if I'd get bullets.

'Cause--'cause
I'd wanna wave it!

Yeah, if you cut me off,
when I got kids in the car,

you're getting a wave.
You're getting a wave.

Yeah, I'm gonna come
right alongside,

"Hey, what's up, man?
What's up?"

And then, I've got--I've got
three menstrual cycles
in my house

all at the same time.

You know what that's like?
I don't need a gun
in my house.

I got three women goin',
"Who left hair in the shower?"

"Wasn't me!"
"Yes, it was!"

"That's my shirt!"
"Who was in my panty drawers?"

"Get out of my room!"

And my wife,
I don't trust her with a gun,

like, just the cats.

I've come home,
she's had cats hanging out
of the second story window

because they pissed
in a rug.

"You don't pee
in people's rugs!"

I had this horrible vision,

like, "I found the gun
and these cats pissed
in my new plants."

( gun fire )

"No more cats.
Put 'em in the back
by Mr. Fritz. It's over."

"Wha? What are you doing?
Wha?"

"I'm sorry, that's it,
I've had enough with them."

And then I started thinking
I might even use one
to discipline my own children.

I'm just sayin'!

And don't judge me
unless you have at least
two kids.

You got one kid,
you're out of the game.

You got parents,
"Ah, our kid's difficult."

"Your kid? Step up!

"You got a mom and dad
and one and you can't
handle it?"

( air horn noise )

"Call me when you're
outnumbered."

You know, I could definitely
see myself goin' by
the pool area at my house,

goin', "Hey! Hey!"
( gun fire )

"Oh, now I have
everyone's attention?"

( crowd cheering )

"How many times has mom
asked all three of you,
'Get out of the pool,

"'jump in the shower,
start gettin' ready
for bed time?'

"Too many, that's how many.
Get outta the pool,
right now!

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to scare you, you can
go home to your family,

"Sorry.

"Mom's inside, right now,
having a complete break down,
you understand that?

I'm inside and I--I'm trying
to just get three minutes
to myself."

God forbid dad has three minutes
without having to do something.

And I sit down,
open up a bag of chips.

I'm googling who the Mets
gonna lose to today.

(laughter)

And mom starts crying.

And I said,
"Why are you crying?"

"I've asked these
kids over and over.

"I asked them politely.

"I said,
'Please get out of the pool.'

"I don't like yelling,
I'm tired of yelling.

"They don't listen to me.

"They're disrepectful.

"I believe in the Lord,
and I read the Bible.

"And I love church,
but I don't want these kids.

"I hate them.

"I shouldn't say that.

"But I know they're my kids,
but I don't want the kids.

"But this is the way they are!

"And what really bothers me,
what are you on your iPad for?

"What is so important?

"You see me struggling.

You don't even help me out, you
ever back me up with anything?"

So here I am.

(laughter)

"Get inside!
Don't run! Don't run!

"Stay down!
Keep your face in the mud.

"Don't move.
Keep your face in the mud.

"Stop crying.

"Get in the house,
help mom with the dishes.

"Don't cry.

"Stop! I barely touched you.

"I barely touched you.

"You're faking!

I'm gonna sign you up
for soccer."

(cheers and applause)

Thanks for having me,
Long Island.

(cheers and applause)

It's good to be home.

Thank you.

(cheers and applause)

*

God bless you.

Thank you.

(cheers and applause)

>> *