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1
00:00:08,758 --> 00:00:10,760
[? upbeat theme music playing]
2
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:35,660
[glass shatters]
3
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[? theme concludes]
4
00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:39,706
??
5
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,210
Hold still, Dwight.
6
00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:45,795
Who taught you how to tie a tie?
7
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,756
No one! That's the problem!
8
00:00:47,757 --> 00:00:49,006
[Dwight yelps, grunts]
9
00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:53,094
I swear, that tie is longer than
a steamrolled green snake!
10
00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:54,345
Allow me.
11
00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:58,266
[Zoidberg slurping]
12
00:00:58,349 --> 00:00:59,399
Yum.
13
00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:02,854
It's Dwight's first day
at the Young Bureaucrats Club.
14
00:01:02,937 --> 00:01:05,648
He's a real check off the old box.
15
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:06,782
[pincers snip]
16
00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,610
[Zoidberg] [slurping]
Yum again.
17
00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:10,236
[? soft music playing]
18
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,781
[engine rumbling, brakes squealing]
19
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:14,074
[kiss smacks]
20
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,076
You have no idea how proud I am
21
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:19,496
that you want to follow
in my compulsively even footsteps, son.
22
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:21,414
Eh, your fax made it pretty clear.
23
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:22,548
[door squeaking]
24
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,877
[? sneaky music playing]
25
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,010
[Dwight grunts]
26
00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:28,379
[panting]
27
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:30,556
Bye-bye!
28
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,969
[? melancholy music playing]
29
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,137
[Hermes sniffles]
30
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,264
[softly sobbing]
31
00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:39,398
[blows nose]
32
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:42,018
People! In honor of my son's first step
33
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:43,602
on the bureaucratic treadmill,
34
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,730
I'm takin' you all out for pizza.
35
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,607
[crew cheering]
36
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:49,484
One topping, no tippin'.
37
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:52,153
[? upbeat music playing]
38
00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:54,239
Welcome, old friends!
39
00:01:54,322 --> 00:01:56,324
We make-a you the nice table.
40
00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:58,159
It's great. Very flat.
41
00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:00,203
Wow. Business is booming.
42
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:04,707
Yes-a, everybody going
a-mentally ill for our pepperoni.
43
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:07,710
It's-a so tender,
you don't even gotta chew!
44
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:11,089
Oh, good! My battery was running low.
45
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,883
[teeth chattering, power winding down]
46
00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:15,343
How y'all doin'?
47
00:02:15,426 --> 00:02:18,012
Our server will be right-a with you.
48
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:21,850
[Hermes] Let's see...
pepperoni, or pepperoni?
49
00:02:21,851 --> 00:02:23,725
[server] Would you like to
hear today's special?
50
00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:24,853
It's pepperoni.
51
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:26,896
[? dramatic sting]
52
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,774
-Hi.
-Sweet coconut of the shogunate!
53
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:31,942
Why aren't you at the
Young Bureaucrats Club?!
54
00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:33,235
[? emotional music playing]
55
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:34,946
I'm sorry, Pops, but...
56
00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:37,907
I don't want to be a bureaucrat.
57
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,701
I didn't know how to tell you.
58
00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:42,078
Well, you found the worst possible way.
59
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,496
By tellin' me!
60
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,539
How will we break this
to your poor mother?
61
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:46,800
Eh, she's known for years.
62
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,209
That's right, son.
63
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,962
Never let anyone tell you what to do.
64
00:02:51,045 --> 00:02:54,299
And go and get us some refills
on them Arnold Palmers, chop chop.
65
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:55,884
I like working here.
66
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:58,303
Blecch and Blazucchi are really nice bugs.
67
00:02:58,386 --> 00:03:02,098
Dwight work-a real hard,
even during the school hours.
68
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,975
-What?!
-Don't worry, Hermes.
69
00:03:04,058 --> 00:03:05,643
I used to work in a pizza parlor,
70
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:06,777
and I turned out.
71
00:03:06,778 --> 00:03:08,812
[? dramatic breaking news music
playing on TVs]
72
00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:12,025
We interrupt this pizza menu
to bring you breaking news.
73
00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:14,986
Billionaire fast-food magnate
Fishy Joe Gilman
74
00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:17,988
has thrown his hat into the upcoming
city council election,
75
00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:19,115
District 97.
76
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:22,368
Stay tuned for our hard-hitting,
unbiased report,
77
00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:25,038
after this word from... Fishy Joe's.
78
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:26,497
It's fish-licking good!
79
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,917
[? fanciful upbeat music playing]
80
00:03:28,918 --> 00:03:31,210
[fish chorus singing]
? Force a fish stick in your mouth ?
81
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,419
? When you come to Fishy Joe's ?
82
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,755
? Where the fish is never frozen
and the 'frigerator broke ?
83
00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:37,257
? Well, they're yummy in your belly
and they're greasy and they're smelly ?
84
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:38,592
? And they're mostly made of batter ?
85
00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:39,885
? But they still have lots of bones ?
86
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,137
-[TV static]
-Yecch.
87
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,056
I don't wanna hear-a Fishy Joe,
88
00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:45,058
I don't wanna see-a Fishy Joe.
89
00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:46,476
Look! It's Fishy Joe!
90
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:47,609
[? dramatic sting]
91
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:48,895
[crowd cheering]
92
00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:54,067
For too long, District 97 has been hostile
to the international chain restaurants
93
00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:56,902
that give this and every
other neighborhood in the world
94
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,571
their unique local character.
95
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:02,533
I won't stand by as
greedy mom-and-pop joints-
96
00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:03,667
like that one-
97
00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:06,329
serve better food at lower prices.
98
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:08,748
[crowd] Boo!
99
00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:12,293
If elected, I pledge
to impose a punitive tax
100
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:13,836
on these quaint eateries,
101
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,464
and funnel it to faceless
big money interests.
102
00:04:16,547 --> 00:04:18,758
[crowd cheering]
103
00:04:18,841 --> 00:04:22,136
This year, make sure
the election results are Fishy.
104
00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:23,554
Vote Fishy Joe!
105
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:26,683
-[? dramatic music playing]
-[crowd cheering]
106
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,352
Ooh, I hate-a his face.
107
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:31,062
I'd like to shove a fish stick
108
00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:34,190
where the star of this-a
solar system don't-a shine.
109
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,192
We can't-a pay-a new tax!
110
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:39,070
We struggle for years
just to find-a pizza recipe
111
00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:41,313
that doesn't make-a human metabolism say,
112
00:04:41,322 --> 00:04:42,907
"Get it outta me!"
113
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:45,076
[Professor gumming pizza] Mm, mm!
114
00:04:45,159 --> 00:04:46,619
The struggle paid off.
115
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:49,998
You have the tenderest pepperoni
I've ever gummed.
116
00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:52,750
This Fish-a Joe gonna ruin us.
117
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:55,211
I wish-a there was a better candidate
118
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,422
or literally any other candidate.
119
00:04:57,505 --> 00:04:58,631
How about you?
120
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,675
You're literally any other candidate.
121
00:05:00,758 --> 00:05:05,680
Me? A humble alien with legislative
experience on her home planet,
122
00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:07,223
and a can-do spirit?
123
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,433
I can-a no do.
124
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:12,478
Oh, come on, that's not
the Blazucchi I barely know.
125
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,063
I don't know you either.
126
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,356
I'll do it!
127
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,026
[? victorious music playing]
128
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:20,695
I promise to make-a good government
129
00:05:20,778 --> 00:05:23,197
the same way I make-a good pizza,
130
00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:25,033
with lots-a hard work,
131
00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:27,618
and whatever kinda mushroom
is-a the cheapest.
132
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,746
[crowd cheering]
133
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:34,500
[lines grunting]
134
00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:37,337
[Linda] With the candidates
running neck and thorax...
135
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:40,715
we welcome you to the first
of 15 live debates
136
00:05:40,798 --> 00:05:42,467
between city council hopefuls
137
00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:43,926
Fishy Joe Gilman,
138
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,678
Blazucchi Nolastname,
139
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,889
and latecomer Boxy Robot.
140
00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:50,016
-[Boxy Robot beeps]
-[Linda laughs]
141
00:05:50,099 --> 00:05:51,768
You and me both. [chuckles]
142
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,103
Candidates, start your blathering.
143
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,855
Thank you, laughing lady.
144
00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:56,988
[Linda laughs]
145
00:05:57,023 --> 00:06:01,486
My husband and I infested
this-a district with a big dream,
146
00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,738
to make-a the pepperoni pizzas.
147
00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:05,365
And everybody love them!
148
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,450
[crowd cheering]
149
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:08,993
Now hang on, hang on.
150
00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:11,204
Let's talk about your pepperoni.
151
00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:13,081
It's-a very tender, yes?
152
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:15,958
Yes... suspiciously tender.
153
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,211
And you wanna know why it's so tender?
154
00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:21,756
Many people are saying it's
because it's made from...
155
00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,883
human babies!
156
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,467
-[? dramatic sting]
-[crowd gasps]
157
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:28,054
-[Boxy Robot beeps]
-Don't try to defend her.
158
00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:30,473
They're fattening up
babies in the basement
159
00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,433
and choppin' up the chubbiest ones
160
00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:35,353
to make that sweet, innocent pepperoni!
161
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:36,820
People are saying.
162
00:06:36,854 --> 00:06:38,773
-How many people?
-A lot.
163
00:06:38,856 --> 00:06:40,566
One of the biggest numbers.
164
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:42,026
This is-a crazy!
165
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,278
I don't even know how to hatch a baby!
166
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:47,865
Wow, Fishy Joe just sank his own campaign.
167
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,535
No one could believe such insane lies.
168
00:06:50,618 --> 00:06:53,413
You'd have to be a gullible,
deranged moron!
169
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:54,956
Yee-haw!
170
00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:57,083
[crowd clamoring]
171
00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:59,919
Let's go mob! Let's go mob!
172
00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:01,504
Let's go mob!
173
00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:03,089
How do ya like my mob?
174
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:07,259
-[? dramatic music playing]
-[crowd clamoring]
175
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,469
[protester] Boo!
176
00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:11,264
[over megaphone]
We demand you show us the basement!
177
00:07:11,347 --> 00:07:12,487
Here's your slice, sir.
178
00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:16,894
Sir, you seem to be yelling the loudest.
179
00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:19,063
Can you tell us why you're protesting?
180
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:21,232
First of all, I need the exercise.
181
00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:24,402
But also, they're making babies
into pepperoni!
182
00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:27,529
-[? ominous music playing]
-Down in their basement slaughterhouse.
183
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:28,580
[Bender burps]
184
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:29,664
[slurping]
185
00:07:29,665 --> 00:07:31,867
-[door bells jingle]
-We don't even a-have a basement!
186
00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:33,119
Come in and a-look!
187
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,337
See?
188
00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:37,665
No basement, no bathroom.
189
00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:40,168
Not even a ceiling in-a some places.
190
00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:41,626
-[water dripping]
-[owls hooting]
191
00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:43,421
You think you can cover up the truth
192
00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,131
with a bunch of obvious facts?
193
00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:47,633
Well, I got a mob who says otherwise!
194
00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:49,635
[? dramatic music playing]
195
00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:51,053
[Bender] Let's go mob!
196
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:53,890
How-a we gonna prove-a
we don't got a basement?
197
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:57,602
We can't even prove we don't-a
got a restaurant a-license!
198
00:07:57,685 --> 00:08:00,521
Easy! I'll just check
the city building records.
199
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,315
Do that thing I said.
200
00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:05,526
-[? suspenseful music playing]
-[wrist device beeping]
201
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:07,569
-[chimes]
-[wrist device] File not found.
202
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,864
[emotional] I tried my best!
203
00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:13,618
Huh. This building must be too old
to have its blueprints online.
204
00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:15,453
Then we're a-ruined.
205
00:08:15,536 --> 00:08:17,955
We'll have-a to go out-a from-a business.
206
00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:19,089
[Dwight sighs]
207
00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:22,376
Guess I'm doomed to join
the Young Bureaucrats.
208
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:23,836
I won't let this happen!
209
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,837
I mean, I'll let the second part happen.
210
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:27,840
Yeah, right. What are you gonna do?
211
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,467
Stamp some stupid form?
212
00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:32,803
Actually, son, we're going
on a thrillin' adventure!
213
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:35,138
Which might involve a few forms
being stamped.
214
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,189
[stamper cocking]
215
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:39,654
-[? adventurous music playing]
-Let's get this party authorized!
216
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:41,725
[sign counter beeps]
217
00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:44,106
[people chattering]
218
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,025
[whooshing]
219
00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:50,780
-[bell dings]
-Now serving 18,307.
220
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:53,157
Finally, I can get my birth certificate!
221
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,284
Uh, I believe that's us.
222
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,707
[turnstile rattling]
223
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:05,461
-Now serving 18,308.
-[bell dings]
224
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:06,963
[gasping, thuds]
225
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:11,425
[? somber music playing]
226
00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:14,095
What's the holds-up with my pizza?
227
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:16,347
I'm-a sorry, we're a-short mandibled.
228
00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:18,891
We lost our cheap child labor human.
229
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,643
I'm a cheap, childish human!
230
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,896
You haven't worked at
a pizzeria in a thousand years.
231
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,606
It requires zero skill!
232
00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:27,441
That's why I'm so good at it.
233
00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:28,943
[pizza sizzling]
234
00:09:29,026 --> 00:09:31,737
[gasping] Hot! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
235
00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:34,031
You forgot-a the holding disc!
236
00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:36,492
[gasps] My pants!
237
00:09:37,201 --> 00:09:39,787
[crying] My beautiful pants!
238
00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:41,247
So... wash 'em.
239
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:42,832
You think they'll be okay?
240
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:45,418
-I've never washed them before.
-Ew!
241
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:46,551
-Yuck!
-Blecch!
242
00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:48,254
-Why not?
-It's just...
243
00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:50,673
I couldn't bear to part with them.
244
00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:52,550
Not even for 45 minutes.
245
00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:56,178
[sniffles] They're one of the only things
I have left from my old life
246
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,888
before I got frozen.
247
00:09:57,972 --> 00:09:59,265
Aww.
248
00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:00,725
Wash your damn pants!
249
00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:03,311
[washing machine rattling]
250
00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:05,094
[spinner winding down]
251
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,446
[steam hissing]
252
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,441
There, see?
253
00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:10,860
You're good to go
for another thousand years.
254
00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,285
[fabric crunching]
255
00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:14,155
No!
256
00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:17,199
The stains was all there was!
257
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:21,287
[? epic music playing]
258
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:22,705
[scanner beeping]
259
00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:24,039
[metal cubicles clanging]
260
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,334
[bureaucrats] Whoa! Whoa!
261
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,710
Whoa!
262
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,711
-[clanging continues]
-[metal thuds]
263
00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:31,338
[center-square bureaucrat] Who goes there?
264
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:33,633
And do you have any sea-sickness medicine?
265
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,176
[laughing]
266
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:36,927
Heck, I'd drink nail polish.
267
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:38,638
I am Hermes Conrad,
268
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:40,264
Bureaucrat Grade 37.
269
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:42,975
Oh, Hermes! My eyes must be goin'.
270
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,852
I thought you were Zsa Zsa Gabor.
271
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,811
-[quietly] Who?
-[quietly] I don't know. Just laugh.
272
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,522
[both fake laughing]
273
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:49,732
That wasn't a joke.
274
00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:50,865
How can I help?
275
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:53,819
We're looking for some
ancient city building plans,
276
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:56,405
from before the Great Digitization.
277
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,782
On paper?!
278
00:10:57,865 --> 00:10:59,700
[thunder crashing]
279
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:03,162
Hmm, must've blown a fuse or somethin'.
280
00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:07,208
You may proceed to
the Labyrinth of Documentation!
281
00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:10,461
[? dramatic kettledrum music playing]
282
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:14,882
[door clatters, chains rattling]
283
00:11:17,259 --> 00:11:18,309
[heavy thud]
284
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:21,263
[bureaucrat monks chanting]
285
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:24,266
Whoa... it's a total no-man's land.
286
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,102
Sounds like my weekend.
287
00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:28,270
[laughing]
288
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,522
[chuckling]
289
00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:31,524
[sniffles, starts sobbing]
290
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:35,361
[? mysterious music playing]
291
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:41,951
I didn't know there was this
much paper in the entire world!
292
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:44,370
It's like a vast paper forest.
293
00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:45,830
What's a forest?
294
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,999
We're lookin' for some really old records.
295
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,918
Let me carbon-taste this ink.
296
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:52,545
[slurping]
297
00:11:52,628 --> 00:11:54,547
Hmm. Only a hundred years old.
298
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:55,755
We'll need to go deeper.
299
00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:57,466
[Dwight] Oh frack, a fork!
300
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,218
How do we know which way to go?
301
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:02,930
See these little black dots?
302
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,431
-They're paper mites.
-[scurrying]
303
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:05,558
Ugh!
304
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:08,561
Ah, these are bigger.
305
00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:09,770
We'll take this path.
306
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:12,982
The bigger the mites,
the longer they've been feedin'.
307
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,025
[slurping]
308
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:17,611
You want a granola bar or somethin'?
309
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:20,405
-[? mysterious music playing]
-[papers crunching]
310
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:24,034
[papers fluttering]
311
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,537
How are you supposed to find anything?
312
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:29,210
Seems like the papers
are just scattered randomly.
313
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,375
It may look that way to the uninitiated,
314
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,043
but to a seasoned bureaucrat,
315
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:36,130
this is art... borderin' on the erotic.
316
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:38,048
-Dad!
-I said bordering!
317
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:41,594
It's arranged according to a mysterious,
ancient filing system
318
00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:44,027
devised by the father
of modern bureaucracy,
319
00:12:44,054 --> 00:12:46,599
the great Bureaucrates.
320
00:12:46,682 --> 00:12:48,267
[? dramatic music plays]
321
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:51,061
A true organizational genius.
322
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,688
What happened to him?
323
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,399
He got lost in his own files and died.
324
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:58,861
And alas, the secrets
of his system died with him.
325
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:00,274
-[floor rumbling]
-Whoa.
326
00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:03,115
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
327
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,159
[? dramatic music playing]
328
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:06,326
[paper shredder whirring]
329
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:07,619
-[Hermes grunts]
-[bust clatters]
330
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,789
Careful, son! It's a Shredlacc pit.
331
00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:12,402
-[? dramatic music playing]
-[blades whirring]
332
00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:17,519
[groans] I should never
have brought you here.
333
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,673
-It's too excitin'.
-It really isn't.
334
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,550
[loud rumbling]
335
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,093
Shelfilanche!
336
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:25,346
[file cabinets crashing]
337
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,600
-We're trapped!
-Not yet, we're not.
338
00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:32,821
-[? dramatic music playing]
-[rapid clacking]
339
00:13:35,439 --> 00:13:38,025
-[Hermes grunting]
-[tape whooshing]
340
00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:39,819
Grab on, boy!
341
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:40,952
[both yelp]
342
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:48,327
[? dramatic music playing]
343
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,494
[Hermes] We're getting close.
344
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,248
I can tell because
the paper mites are getting larger.
345
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,416
-How large?
-That large.
346
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:56,125
-[? dramatic sting]
-[paper mite snarling]
347
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:57,711
[Dwight screaming]
348
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,964
Cowardly screams won't be enough, son.
349
00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:02,174
We'll have to best this bug in combat!
350
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:05,427
But that thing's gonna inflict
at least 2d12 damage.
351
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:07,220
We'll never survive without armor!
352
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:08,472
How about chain mail?
353
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:13,561
[paper mite growling]
354
00:14:13,714 --> 00:14:17,730
[protesters chanting]
We're not complacent.
355
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:19,400
Show us the basement!
356
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,945
We're not complacent.
Show us the basement!
357
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,154
Told ya it rhymed.
358
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:26,907
??
359
00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:30,828
Man, protestin' really
works up an appetite.
360
00:14:32,079 --> 00:14:34,748
Wow, you're a hungry, hungry hypocrite.
361
00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:36,375
Hey, a guy's gotta eat!
362
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,252
Actually, you don't.
363
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:41,672
[Fry sighs deeply]
364
00:14:41,755 --> 00:14:45,217
Aw. How are you dealing
with the loss of your pants?
365
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:47,011
You know how these things go.
366
00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:48,721
I'm taking it day by day.
367
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,514
So, you got new pants?
368
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:52,558
[emotional] No, it's too soon.
369
00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:55,394
[? melancholy music playing]
370
00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:03,277
Wow, that took a really long time.
371
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,410
Thank you, son.
372
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,245
That's music to a bureaucrat's ears.
373
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,866
Now, let's slay that paper mite!
374
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:12,620
[paper mite snoring]
375
00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:14,955
Huh. Guess we can just walk around it.
376
00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:16,089
No way!
377
00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:19,715
I didn't put nine hours into these
paper-clip codpieces for nothin'!
378
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:26,675
-[blade slices]
-You won't be comin' in on Monday!
379
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,218
-[grunts]
-[blade thumps]
380
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:29,352
[paper mite growls]
381
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,222
[snarling, roaring]
382
00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:34,515
-[armor clinking]
-It's hopeless!
383
00:15:34,516 --> 00:15:35,809
We have no weapon now!
384
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,312
Incorrect. In the hands of a bureaucrat,
385
00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:40,105
paperwork can be lethal.
386
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,691
[? dramatic music playing]
387
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:45,486
[papers fluttering]
388
00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:48,155
[paper mite laughing]
389
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:53,369
-[? dramatic music playing]
-[wind howling]
390
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,071
-[footsteps crunching]
-[Hermes shivering]
391
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:57,623
Why are you shiverin'?
392
00:15:57,706 --> 00:16:00,000
It's not even cold in here.
It's kinda hot.
393
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:01,834
I know, but it just looks really cold.
394
00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:03,379
Man, it's blinding!
395
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,797
I lost track of which direction
we were gettin' lost in.
396
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:08,634
This is how they say Bureaucrates died,
397
00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:11,595
lost in a whiteout of his own paperwork.
398
00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,930
-[? melancholy music playing]
-I'm sorry, Dwight.
399
00:16:13,931 --> 00:16:17,309
All I wanted was to share
my love of bureaucracy with you.
400
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,312
Instead, I'm fillin' out
our death certificates.
401
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,314
[pen scribbling]
402
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:26,151
Initial here and list the cause
of death as "stupid father."
403
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:27,569
[Dwight] It's okay, Pops.
404
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,696
At least we had a great
adventure together.
405
00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:32,992
The best thing to do now is lie down
and freeze to death quickly.
406
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:35,877
You alive?
407
00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:38,441
-[hoofbeats approaching]
-You hear somethin'?
408
00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:40,833
[? epic, heroic music playing]
409
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:42,710
Slower! Slower!
410
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:44,632
The storm's getting worse!
411
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:47,256
Get in quick before
you die of heat stroke!
412
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,215
[extension-cord whip snaps]
413
00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:50,592
I don't believe it.
414
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,220
Are you... Bureaucrates?
415
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:56,181
All questions must be
submitted in writing.
416
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:57,933
[gasps] It is you!
417
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,728
But the history books say
you were lost in a whiteout.
418
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,021
I still am!
419
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:04,773
[? epic music playing]
420
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,821
Please, make yourselves uncomfortable.
421
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,282
How may I impede you?
422
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:17,077
We seek an ancient floor plan
predating the digital records.
423
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,246
But so far, we've been unable
424
00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:21,331
to crack your legendary filing system.
425
00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:23,709
Can you at least give us a hint?
426
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:24,960
You want a hint?
427
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,462
Here's a hint.
428
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:28,047
There is no system!
429
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,550
Can we get another hint?
430
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:32,953
[hysterical] I'm a fraud!
431
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:36,388
I just kept piling things up,
deeper and deeper.
432
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:40,017
I said I'd get to it on Monday,
but Monday never came...
433
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,853
'cause my calendar was
under one of the piles!
434
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:45,898
But according to legend,
you could find anythin'.
435
00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:50,152
I could because I had a general idea
of which pile to look in.
436
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,112
But no one else stood a chance!
437
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:55,741
So you created a filing system
so unsystematic
438
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:58,409
that literally nothing
could be done without you?
439
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,789
You truly are the greatest
bureaucrat who ever lived.
440
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:02,922
[sniffles]
441
00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:05,626
Your pandering hero worship has moved me.
442
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:07,127
I thought I was a failure,
443
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:09,630
when all along I was a bottleneck!
444
00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:11,715
Oh, a huge one!
445
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:14,718
Now, this is the buildin' address
we're lookin' for.
446
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:16,553
Ah, yes.
447
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,264
I remember filing this in Column Gamma.
448
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:22,768
Hmm, uh, no.
449
00:18:22,851 --> 00:18:24,269
Uh, uh, must be this one.
450
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,314
Or, uh, maybe... this one?
451
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:31,318
[paper temple crashing]
452
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:34,998
No, it was- it was
the first one I grabbed earlier.
453
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:36,122
Here.
454
00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:37,950
You have found your treasure,
455
00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:39,785
but at great cost.
456
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:40,918
For alas,
457
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,288
there is no way out of this labyrinth.
458
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:46,875
I've been searching for 500 years.
459
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,502
Have you tried this door?
460
00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:51,130
You can't use that! It's for emergencies.
461
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,800
-[door creaking]
-[alarm softly beeping]
462
00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:56,009
Come with us, friend.
463
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:58,303
No. My place is here,
464
00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:01,640
filing a false alarm report
that no one will ever see.
465
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,724
-[soft beeping continues]
-You are as a god.
466
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:05,225
[door closes, beeping stops]
467
00:19:05,226 --> 00:19:07,645
[protesters chanting]
Show us the attic!
468
00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:09,398
Wait, we mean the basement!
469
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:11,900
[muffled chanting continues outside]
470
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,819
Look here, Fishy Jerk!
471
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:16,404
These official records
will prove once and for all
472
00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:17,906
that there is no basement!
473
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:20,033
[? dramatic sting]
474
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,368
There's a basement?
475
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,830
[Professor grunting]
476
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:25,998
[? dramatic sting]
477
00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:27,166
[group gasping]
478
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:30,544
I knew that stuff I made up was true.
479
00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:32,920
[? suspenseful music playing]
480
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:35,465
What you are about to see
may be disturbing.
481
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,050
It better be!
482
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:39,054
A secret basement has been discovered
483
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:41,180
beneath Family Brothers Pizzeria,
484
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:44,183
the once-popular eatery
rumored to make pepperoni
485
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:45,976
from tender human babies.
486
00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:49,104
Let us see what horrors lie below!
487
00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:51,522
But they didn't even
know they had a basement!
488
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:52,983
What a crock of malarkey.
489
00:19:53,066 --> 00:19:55,277
Leela, watch your language!
490
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,487
There's no baby butcher down there.
491
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,240
And, uh, let's arm ourselves just in case.
492
00:20:00,608 --> 00:20:02,950
[glass bottle shatters]
493
00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:04,001
I'm not scared.
494
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,455
Lead the way, somebody else.
495
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,130
I'll do it.
496
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:10,959
Without my pants,
life isn't worth living anyway.
497
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,093
[flames whooshing]
498
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,549
[group gasping, groaning]
499
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:14,713
Ew!
500
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,005
[softly] Get a shot of that.
501
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:17,746
What happened to your underpants?
502
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:19,134
[fire crackling]
503
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:22,054
[? suspenseful music playing]
504
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:31,063
[? suspenseful music swells]
505
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,982
[group gasps]
506
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:35,691
[Fishy Joe Gilman] There's nothin' here.
507
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:36,985
But it's filthy!
508
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:41,073
No self-respecting devil worshiper
would sacrifice babies in this dump!
509
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:45,702
Oh, my God!
510
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:47,996
Don't you mean, "Oh, my Satan"?
511
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,130
[? dramatic sting]
512
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:51,458
[Fry]
It's the ruins of Panucci's Pizza!
513
00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:53,585
Where I worked a thousand years ago.
514
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:56,338
Really? Directly under the other pizzeria?
515
00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:57,506
It makes sense.
516
00:20:57,589 --> 00:21:00,842
This address has been zoned
as a pizzeria for a millennium.
517
00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:02,846
They must have just kept building them
518
00:21:02,886 --> 00:21:05,639
one on top of another, on top of another,
519
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,266
until they built the second one,
and they were done.
520
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,311
So, my old locker must be right...
521
00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:12,445
here!
522
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,983
Ah! My spare delivery pants!
523
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:17,276
Should I put them on?
524
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,945
I think I speak for everyone when I say,
525
00:21:20,028 --> 00:21:21,947
yes, dammit, yes!
526
00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:26,868
And so, despite the overzealous
reporting of my colleague...
527
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:28,787
[Linda laughing]
528
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:31,498
...there is no baby-murdering
pepperoni operation
529
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:33,166
in this filthy basement.
530
00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:36,712
We sincerely apologize for any
excitement we may have caused.
531
00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:37,845
[static buzzing]
532
00:21:37,879 --> 00:21:39,756
Well, I'm a sleazebag,
533
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,759
and the people of District 97
deserve better.
534
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,678
-[? gentle music playing]
-Congratulations, Blazucchi.
535
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:47,472
I'm droppin' outta the race
536
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:49,808
to focus on my presidential ambitions.
537
00:21:50,225 --> 00:21:51,685
[door creaking]
538
00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:53,194
Hello...
539
00:21:53,228 --> 00:21:54,479
[all gasping]
540
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:55,613
Blecch?
541
00:21:55,647 --> 00:21:58,191
What are you a-doing in mystery basement?
542
00:21:58,275 --> 00:22:00,902
And where did you get that pepperoni?
543
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,404
Eh... [chuckles nervously]
544
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:04,281
Well, I... [sighs]
545
00:22:04,364 --> 00:22:05,741
I a-show you.
546
00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:07,034
[door creaking]
547
00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:10,495
This is-a where I get
my melt-in-you-face pepperoni.
548
00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:13,373
It's been a-dry aging
for a thousand years.
549
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:15,917
Wow, since Fry worked here!
550
00:22:16,001 --> 00:22:17,461
[? nostalgic music playing]
551
00:22:17,544 --> 00:22:20,172
[Fry] I remember it
like it was yesteryear...
552
00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:23,050
only, we didn't hang
pepperoni from the ceiling.
553
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:26,845
We just stuck it on a high shelf
to keep the laziest rats away.
554
00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:28,888
-[fly buzzing]
-The only thing hanging from the ceiling
555
00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:30,307
was fly paper.
556
00:22:30,308 --> 00:22:33,017
[Zoidberg] So where'd
the pepperoni come from?
557
00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:35,020
[? mysterious music playing]
558
00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:38,940
[mechanical whirring]
559
00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:40,317
[? dramatic sting]
560
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,070
[Bender gags] It's a log of dead flies!
561
00:22:43,403 --> 00:22:45,655
[all gagging]
562
00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:47,324
At least it's not babies.
563
00:22:47,574 --> 00:22:48,624
Uh...
564
00:22:51,995 --> 00:22:56,416
Do you, Boxy Robot, solemnly
swear to uphold the obscure
565
00:22:56,500 --> 00:23:00,128
and trivial ordinances of District 97?
566
00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:01,546
[Boxy Robot beeps]
567
00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:03,757
Well, you may not have gotten elected,
568
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:06,051
but at least your reputation is, uh...
569
00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:07,184
never mind.
570
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:10,472
So, you think you might
follow in my footsteps,
571
00:23:10,473 --> 00:23:13,224
now that you've seen how thrillin'
bureaucracy can be?
572
00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:16,019
No. I still find bureaucracy super boring.
573
00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:17,813
-[? gentle music playing]
-But...
574
00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:19,439
I think you're pretty cool.
575
00:23:20,273 --> 00:23:24,027
That's 92.5% of all I could ask for.
576
00:23:26,029 --> 00:23:28,240
Hey, it's our handsome waiter!
577
00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:29,866
And he's wearing pants!
578
00:23:29,950 --> 00:23:32,786
-[? solemn music playing]
-I swear before God almighty
579
00:23:32,869 --> 00:23:37,290
that these pants will never see
the inside of a washing machine.
580
00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:38,458
[? music stops]
581
00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:42,212
No. No, no, no, no!
582
00:23:42,295 --> 00:23:43,345
[Leela] What is it?
583
00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:45,173
Pineapple!
584
00:23:48,301 --> 00:23:50,303
??
585
00:24:30,260 --> 00:24:33,263
[? fanfare playing]
586
00:24:33,313 --> 00:24:37,863
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