Original subtitles

(Radio static)

Hank?

(Radio static continues)

Hello?

- (Hank) Hey, you! - (Abby gasps)

(Hank) You know, a lot of that white noise is leftover sound

of the birth of the universe?

Wow.

They call it, er... "cosmic microwave background radiation."

Man.

Talk about putting lipstick on a pig.

Lipstick? Like, what on a what?

Is that a thing? Is that a saying?

That's just a... it's a very romantic spin on radio static.

It wasn't a line, I'm not, like, feeding you a line here.

That's, that's... that's science.

I mean, science is beautiful and romantic,

but that's the big bang. I mean, that's fact.

Mm-hmm.

What is this place really?

It's my house. I live here.

No, you don't live here.

No, but it's in... it's been in my family for, er... ever.

(Abby) Wait, this is my birthday present?

(Hank) I, er... not the... not the house.

It's what's inside the house.

(Abby) Right. OK, OK.

(Hank) Oh, my God, you're gonna be so underwhelmed now.

(Abby) No, no I'm not. I'm relieved, actually.

(Hank) Sure. This is gonna be so brutal.

Is this my birthday present?

Well, yeah, it's, er...

...you know, it's experiential.

You can't, er... you can't put a big red bow

on the kind of night that I have in store for you.

You can't, er... you can't unwrap making a memory.

Ah! OK, I see.

So, you drag me through the woods to the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" house

and I'm supposed to what, throw myself at you?

Well, I mean, I got flowers. Did you see the flowers?

And what was your plan?

Were you gonna just kill me, or kill me and eat me afterwards?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, you got it backwards.

I'm gonna eat you first.

(Moaning)

(Growling)

(Abby) Do you bring all your girlfriends here?

All my girlfriends are still here.

I told them I'd bring them a friend.

They're going to love you, darling.

It's so dark in the attic.

No, come on.

I haven't brought anybody here.

Do you know anybody else in fucking Barlow

that would've walked through that grove?

- No. - No, just you, darling.

Just you.

That's very sweet.

I hope you brought some wine to go with that cheese.

"Peanut Noir"?

Yeah. It's from Georgia.

Oh, Georgia! Where they make all the best wines.

It worked!

Oh, wait, do your, er... the swirly, sniffy, sommelier thing?

On the peanut wine?

Yeah, but it's not... I told you it's not actually peanuts.

OK.

- It's fruit-forward. - Sure.

I smell... grapes.

- Naturally. - Yeah.

- Grapes. - Like, grape jelly.

Hints of peanut shells...

(Gasps) It's a peanut butter and jelly wine!

Fuck you, I knew you were gonna do that. You're such a fucking snob.

You're such a snob!

Is it really that bad?

You know...

I think the jar really opens it up.

It may just be the moment, but I think it's pretty great.

Well, this is good,

because the people at the peanut wine place,

they talked me into buying a case of that shit.

- No! - Oh, yeah. They were selling it hard.

- Wow, you got ripped off. - You got eleven more bottles of this.

- Definitely got ripped off. - Drink up. So drink up.

What is this?

"For Julie".

Wait, what is that? Hey, what is that?

- Who the fuck is Julie? - Wait, wait, wait. Let me see it.

That...

That's... that's been in there for, like, ten years.

I'm sorry, is this a mixtape for another girl, on my birthday?

- Eighth, like, eighth grade. - Is that what this is?

- Abby, you are not playing that. - I am, I am.

- Absolutely not. - No, I have to!

- You are not playing this. - I'm going to play...

I will take the whole fucking thing down.

- Come on. - This... is truly experiential.

(Bones cracking)

(Bones cracking)

Darby!

(Clicks tongue)

Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Where you at, girl?

Hank?

(Hank) OK, you can open your eyes now.

Hey, hey, hey!

It's a kitten!

There's a balloon attached to you! Aw!

I found him like that.

- With this balloon attached? - Yeah.

Do you want this off of you?

You're a mess.

You're a mess, Kitten.

Do you like birthday gifts that you have to care for for twenty years?

- Can they live twenty years? - Er...

Wow, that's gonna outlast our relationship.

Fuck!

Oh, sleepy baby.

God, he's just as lazy as you are.

I'd better get that thing off before he floats away.

(Horn blares)

(Brakes squeal)

(Hank) Fuck you!

"Hi, this is Abby.

"I'm not around right now, so leave a message."

(Beeping)

Hey baby, it's me. Um...

Listen, the mail's really piling up here, OK?

A bunch of bills and shit,

and I don't know what's paid or what's been paid.

You're the one who usually handles all that shit, so...

You got a bunch of birthday cards, too.

Listen, baby... if you want out of this thing,

you're gonna have to talk to me sooner or later, OK?

You can't just... disappear.

All right?

Also, this is gonna sound crazy, I know,

but ever since you left, some kind of...

...thing has been coming out of the woods every night.

Scratching on the door, trying to get into the house.

I know you're probably just rolling your eyes,

thinking it's just this thing, or that thing, but it's not, OK?

I know everything in these woods.

This is, er...

...I don't know.

I don't know. So just, er... give me a call, please, would you?

I love you.

"Hi, this is Abby.

"I'm not around right now, so leave a message."

(Beeping)

Hey, yeah, also I think that monster ate your cat.

(Grunts)

How we doing, Hank?

You see what it did to my door?

Blew a hole in it?

What?

No! Not a...

No, this shit!

Not the hole.

Yeah, that's a black bear, Hank.

Oh, for God's sake, it's not a black bear, Shane.

Well, I think that makes the most sense, don't it?

No, actually, I don't...

I don't think that makes any sense, Shane,

that a black bear would walk past all that fucking garbage,

and all this fucking cat food, just to come scratching at my door?

No.

A black bear would eat its own shit just to have something in its mouth.

You know that.

You wanna tell me what happened with that truck,

down the road this morning?

Oh.

He said you fired at him, Hank.

Yeah, well, he damn near ran me over.

He said you darted right out into the road.

Well, he's a fucking liar.

I was just... checking the mail.

You always check the mail with your shotgun, Hank?

Sometimes.

Is that it, then?

Yeah.

Thanks for stopping by, Officer.

I stopped by Jessie's last night.

Hank, they said they ain't seen ya.

Listen, this thing with Abby...

- I know it's hard on you. - What do you know?

- I know what you guys were going through. - What the fuck do you know, Shane, huh?

What do you know about it? Huh?

Are you talking to her? Did she tell you to come check on me?

I am just concerned, is all.

- We're family. - No, we're not.

We sure as fuck should've been by now, it's been a goddamn decade.

Maybe she got tired of waiting around.

Yeah.

Well, hey... Look, you know what?

If you're so, er...

If you're so concerned with me, Shane,

why don't you just tell your sister,

next time she calls and I'm going crazy...

I'm going crazy without her. I'm going around town

telling people there's a big bad wolf trying to blow our house down.

Everybody's starting to talk.

Maybe she ought to just come on home, then.

Hank, if the big bad wolf comes by again,

maybe you oughta shoot it with your camera,

instead of your twelve-gauge, and make a more convincing argument.

OK.

(♪ THE HUMMINGBIRDS: "Leave This Town")

♪ I know it's strange

♪ But it feels like it's trying to get me

♪ Every day I stick around

♪ Is just one more day in this town

♪ I've been trying to leave this town

♪ But it won't let me

♪ '89 Dodge Ram van

♪ I know that you can take me

♪ To desert lands, coyote clans

♪ And a life of mystery

♪ Where everyday's a mountain day

♪ And the sun... ♪

Hey, Hank.

Jess starts screaming, she's like, "What's going on?"

And I don't wanna say it's a spider cos I'm not a little girl, you know?

So I said it was an intruder.

And she ended up getting, like, more upset with that.

- What's up, Bubba? - Oh, hey, Hank, man!

What's going on, buddy? I was just talking about you.

I was just telling Jane here

about the time you bagged that Sherman tank lookin' fucking buck.

It was down in the Waller over in Baines Prairies,

about two seasons ago,

and I don't think she fucking believes me.

I don't believe that's English, so...

No, you wouldn't believe this thing, it was like an airplane with a dick.

It was nice.

It was a good get. What was its name?

- Val. - Valentine!

Valentine, yeah.

Where is Valentine?

He's at home. He's in the closet.

What the fuck is big Val doing in the closet?

Er... Abby don't like dead shit on her walls.

Fuck that. You should bring it here, man.

Put it... put it up on the fucking wall, that's a goddamn injustice!

We'll put him up on the wall with the other goofy shit.

Yeah, cos the other thing is they ward off evil spirits.

Where did you hear that?

It's, like, an Indian thing.

I mean, Native American.

- (Chuckles) Oh. - Or, like, Vikings or some shit.

(Coughs)

What you got there, babe?

The bare necessities.

- I'll take care of it. - What, you running out of booze?

It's nothing you should worry about. I've seen you drink the mat juice.

Yeah, it's called a "Gorilla Fart".

Wait, you drink the spill out of the bar mats?

Yeah, man, free is free. I got kids.

Wade.

It's the only drink they'll give me for free.

Jane, pour us two shots of the 1816, would you, please?

- Mmm. - Have some self-respect, Wade.

- What's that? - A little self-respect.

(Wade) Come on.

- Mmm. - That's a healthy pour.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah! - No, no, no.

That's Jane.

I'm not gonna waste 1816 on you

if you're gonna drink the shit out of the mats.

Line 'em up.

OK.

(Hank) You're not gonna do this.

(Wade) Come on.

All right.

- That's a big boy. - Yeah, it's real big.

You're a grown-up, Wade. You're a father.

And that's why I get to do this.

- OK. - Cheers.

Here's to being a proud American citizen.

(Burps)

It's not as bad as the name suggests.

That's ridiculous.

- Get him a real shot, please. - Yes, please, please.

What does it taste like?

It tastes like going blind.

(Thunder rumbling)

(Muted dialogue)

(Pounding and growling)

(Snarling)

Fuck!

(Snarling continues)

Goddammit!

(Snarling continues)

(Roaring)

(Panting)

(♪ THE PARLOR: "The Places Where We Bled")

♪ Well, I told you so

♪ And I don't hate to say

♪ You didn't see the trap set for you

♪ And it was plain as day

♪ But it's good to be alive

♪ Even when part of you is dead

♪ And we obsess over the scars

♪ Cos they're the places where we bled

♪ But this one's in your head

♪ It's in your head

♪ It's in your head

♪ A-ha

♪ A-a-a, a-ha

♪ And we obsess over the scars

♪ Cos they're the places where we bled

♪ And this one's in your head

♪ It's in your head

♪ In your head ♪

(Screaming on TV)

(Screaming on TV continues)

(Growling)

(Growling continues)

(Screams)

(Shrieking)

Shit.

Yeah, that's a... pool of blood.

I think you got it, buddy.

You know, er... cats can do this shit.

Definitely. I mean, Jess was watching a show on TV the other day

that said, like, cats are evil little fuckers.

Like, a cat owner dies and no one finds 'em,

and like, all the soft parts are gone.

It'll come and it'll, like, eat his nose, and his eyelids, and his fucking ears.

All the worst shit, so it looks like a screaming skull at the end of it.

They don't give a fuck.

And they're the same, no matter what size.

From a kitten up to, like, a Siberian tiger,

they all act exactly the same.

Like, they play and they have fun,

and they scamper, and they purr and shit,

so, like...

...a panther could've done all this.

They're on a rebound, too.

They're fucking again.

Have you ever seen a panther, Wade?

Do you know anybody who has?

No.

I mean, let me think.

No.

Did I tell you Abby's cat went missing?

That's it. That's where your monster is, right there.

Like, a barrel of toxic waste fell off of a government truck

and Abby's cat, like, jumped in it,

and now it's big, and it just wants to come home.

It ain't a cat, Wade.

How do you know, though?

Because I saw it.

Did you bring your rifle with you, Bubba?

Now, you said you saw its hand.

Did you mean its hand, or did you mean "paw"?

It looked like a hand, Wade.

(Wade) I don't know, man.

I was watching a video the other day on aliens,

and if they land here,

scientists say they're probably gonna be predators,

because they need meat to grow the brains

the size they need to be

to get the technology they need to fucking get here.

Then they showed a bunch of pictures of what aliens could look like,

and they don't look like us, man.

It's, like, "Dark Crystal" shit.

It's... like, because they come from different gravities

and they have different chemical makeups,

they're like... it could be a squid with, like, six eyes,

or it could have, like, no eyes and see with emotions.

It was a fucking nightmare, Hank.

It was a nightmare,

and it wasn't a horror movie, it was the Discovery Channel,

and it was during the fucking day.

You watch a lot of TV, Bubba.

I'm only saying that if I see something like that

come out of one of these bushes,

I'm gonna have a fucking mental breakdown, Hank.

I wouldn't worry about it, Wade.

You talk enough to clean the woods.

You're right, you're right.

Abby left.

What do you mean?

(Sighs) Abby, she... just left.

Note on the fridge.

Where'd she fucking go?

I don't know.

Miami, maybe.

That's where she went to school, maybe to see her old boyfriend.

Shit, man.

I knew something else was going on, all right,

but I didn't say anything, I'm sorry.

I'm just talking about aliens and squid creatures and shit,

- I'm an asshole. - No, no.

(Hank exhales)

Yeah. Thanks, Bubba.

Thanks.

- Do you wanna go get drunk? - Yeah, let's go and get drunk.

(♪ THE HUMMINGBIRDS: "13 Days")

♪ 13 days of sunshine

♪ Couldn't get enough of it

♪ Thought that you would be mine

♪ But there was one little thing I missed

♪ You don't like dogs

♪ And I got two

♪ But I loved you forever

♪ While we were together

♪ For 13 days

♪ 13 nights of lovin'

♪ In your house at the edge of town

♪ You kept your dishes in the oven

♪ And you never put the toilet seat down

♪ Well, you're a handsome man

♪ Who never finished school

♪ But I loved you forever

♪ While we were together...

No.

I'm not gonna sing.

Bet you'd do it for Julie.

Oh, I would do anything for Julie.

Oh!

♪ 13 days of something

♪ I never ever seen before

♪ You smudged makeup on the pillow

♪ You spilled nail polish on the floor

♪ You couldn't cut the lick

♪ Now all my money's gone... ♪

(Crashing and shrieking)

Shane!

Hank?

You still think it's a bear, Shane?

- That's a fucking bear trap. - That's a bear trap.

Careful with the lawn now, I just...

I had it caught, Shane, and it didn't chew its leg off, all right?

It pried itself free, do you believe that shit?

Hank.

(Sniffs)

- You smell that? - What?

That's bacon.

I'm not crazy, all right?

And I've seen enough of this thing to know I don't know what the hell it is.

And unless it just fell out of the goddamn sky

and landed in my back yard in the last few weeks,

I can't be the only person who's ever seen it, right?

I mean, there's gotta be reports and...

Reports of what, Hank? Monsters?

My uncle Pete swore he saw the Lake Georgia monster

when he was a kid.

He told that damn story every Christmas until the day he died.

Now, Hank, do you wanna know the problem with my uncle Pete's story?

The problem with Uncle Pete's story

is there ain't no goddamn monster in Lake Georgia.

Just humor me, Shane.

Please. Do a little digging.

- What am I digging for? - I don't know.

Police reports, you know?

Similar descriptions? I mean, you're the detective.

I am not a detective, I'm a police officer.

Look, Hank,

there ain't one goddamn town

in this whole goddamn world

that don't have someone saying they seen something they can't explain.

All right?

Every lake has a lake monster.

Every forest has a big, hairy ape.

Hell, I could ask a hundred people, in this town alone,

half of them are gonna say they seen a UFO, or a ghost.

Shit, most of them are gonna say they seen both,

even though 500 years of hard science

hasn't turned up one single scrap of evidence for either one.

Not one single scrap.

But that's what we do.

You know, we fill in the blanks of what we don't understand.

That's human nature.

We've been letting our imaginations draw faces on the noises in the dark

since we were living in caves.

And we always draw sharp teeth.

Eat your fucking food.

(Line ringing)

"Hi, this is Abby.

"I'm not around right now, so leave a message."

What is this?

- It's the peanut wine. - It's the peanut wine.

Oh, the famous peanut wine!

Is it made out of peanuts?

No, it's... no.

It's, like, a vineyard in Georgia that's also, like, a peanut farm.

Do you know the five Ss of wine tasting?

I actually do, and I know that "sniff" is your favorite.

"Sniff" is my favorite!

Oh, God, this has aged so poorly.

I mean, you can do four of the Ss, but not all of them.

- Which one can't you do? - Huh?

(Whispers) Seriously, Wade, I cannot believe you just said that.

- Wait, what? - (Gasps)

Are you pregnant?

Yes, we're pregnant.

- Oh, no! - Aw, congratulations!

- I mean, congratulations! - Oh, my God!

Congratulations! Cheers! Cheers!

(Overlapping chatter)

I just didn't wanna spoil your day, and make it all about me.

No, no! Oh, my God, this is the best gift!

Oh, my God, I'm so excited! Congratulations!

- Thank you. - That's amazing.

Now, my question is when are the two of you gonna have some kids?

Er... maybe when they come out at eight years old

so I don't have to do all the diaper shit.

Start out at a good age.

(Wade) Baby, let's not destroy their relationship tonight.

(Overlapping chatter continues)

You doing all right, Hank?

Yeah, I'm good.

- (Car horn honks) - Oh!

That's my ride.

So, er... I'm going to go start blowing all of this,

and... I'll see you later.

OK. Night, Jane.

Good night!

(Clattering)

- (Shrieking) - (Hank) Hey, hey, hey!

(Snarling)

(Roaring)

(Hank, whispering) Fuck. Oh, Jesus.

(Cocks gun)

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

(Cocks gun)

- (Meowing) - (Hank) Darby?

Darby? Is that you, girl?

Oh, Jesus, Darby, what the fuck? Come here.

(Darby moans and howls)

- (Hissing and snarling) - (Hank) Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! The fuck was that?

What the fuck was that?

Oh, Jesus!

(Sobs)

(Muted dialogue)

(♪ THE PARLOR: "Stay For Good This Time")

♪ I love when you're around me

♪ Hug and hold me tight

♪ Come a little closer, dear

♪ There's not a thing to fear

♪ Stay for good this time

♪ Summer, winter, spring or fall

♪ Clouds or rain or sun is shining

♪ Morning, noon and night

♪ Stay for good this time

♪ Oh, you knew me all too well

♪ You left me for a spell

♪ I was here all alone...

(Opens door)

♪ Oh, I'm always thinking of you

♪ Calling on the telephone

♪ Dark nights, the creeping shadows

♪ Make me think of you

♪ Don't you think of me, too?

♪ The birds leave every autumn

♪ Return again by summertime

♪ I feel like it's always August

♪ Stay for good this time

♪ Stay for good this time ♪

Hank?

You wanna put that in or no?

It's my birthday tomorrow.

I know that.

Abby, of course I know that.

Well, we need to get the house in order.

Everybody's coming over.

No, Abby, we can't have people over right now.

Why not?

Because... because I told you, that thing comes every night.

- Come on, Hank. - Abby, what? What?

The monster?

Yes. Fine.

You want me to put a fucking name on it? Then, yeah, it's a monster.

- OK. - She didn't get hit by a car, Abby.

I saw that thing pick her up and take a bite out of her

like she was a goddamn apple.

Then kill it, Hank.

You're a hunter, right?

That's what you do, you kill things.

You say it's coming tonight...

...great, when it gets here, then...

...just fucking kill it.

Can you please fix the front door?

I don't wanna have to explain that to everybody.

You put the buck back on the wall.

Yeah.

He has a name, by the way. It's Valentine.

Supposed to be good luck.

Who told you that?

Fucking Wade.

Well, he said the Indians said it.

Or the Vikings, or some shit.

What time's this thing showing up?

Any minute now.

If it shows up at all.

I thought you said it comes every night?

It does.

It has.

Every night since you left.

But now you're back, so I don't know what's gonna happen.

Hell, I'm not entirely convinced it's not you.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know.

You some kind of... shapeshifter, Abby?

You know, like, a werewolf or something?

(Hank howls)

You got me.

No, I'm serious. I'm serious.

This is good. What did you open?

It's wine.

I don't know, you tell me.

Do your... swirly, sniff test thing and see if you can get it.

I'm not really feeling like that tonight.

OK.

Where did you go, Abby?

Miami.

Yeah.

I figured.

You go down there to see your old boyfriend, huh?

The old fast-talking, city boy

who got you into all this fancy, wine shit in the first place?

Is that right?

Yeah, of course that's what you'd think.

What am I supposed to think?

I don't know, Hank.

That I went to my reunion.

Like I told you.

That I begged you to come to

but you said you didn't wanna drive all that way

just to put on a tie and stare up peoples' noses.

Well, it's cos they're snobs.

Yeah, I got it.

(Exhales) So...

...you didn't see him, then.

Is that what you're saying?

No, I did see him.

Fuck.

He was at the reunion, with his wife,

and they left early to go get their kids.

It's not really the point, Hank.

OK. OK.

Well, that explains about nine hours.

What about the other four weeks you were gone, hmm?

Stop.

Do you know I'm the only member of my family that's been on a plane?

OK.

I, I mean... What is the point of...

Barlow's enough for them. That's the point.

But it's not enough for me.

I need art, and culture,

and food that isn't brown,

and music that isn't all banjoes.

Do you know, while I was gone, I had sushi...

...and curry, and Cuban food, and...

...Tamales... from a guy on a bike, and...

I saw a jazz band play in the street,

and I drank wines that I couldn't even pronounce,

and I went to a museum, and I went to a baseball game,

and... that was all in just one city.

That was just Miami, in just one month.

Four hours from our front porch.

Well, I spent the last month trying to run my business

without my partner.

Trying to keep our dirty laundry from getting aired all over town,

thinking I was losing my fucking mind, and my best friend.

Wondering if I was ever gonna see you again.

But, hey... Tamales.

I'm glad you had such a good time.

I am sorry about all that.

Good.

- I did wanna call. - Mmm...

But I knew if I did, you'd just convince me to come back.

Or I would get so mad at you that I would never come home at all,

so... I figured I would just have to figure it out for myself.

Well... did you?

You know when I came home, after school that summer?

Yeah.

I was just gonna save some money, see my parents...

...and that was it.

I never intended to stay here.

Then why did you, Abby?

For Christ's sake, why did you stay?

Because of you, Hank.

Because of you.

You wooed me, and you swept me off my feet,

and I just, I fucking fell for it.

Goddammit, you used to look at me like I was...

You used to look at me like...

...like you couldn't believe that I existed.

Like you couldn't believe your luck, you know?

And now, you hardly look at me at all.

Look at me, Hank.

I see you... cutting eyes at other girls all the time.

No... oh, come on.

I'm not crazy.

I don't think everything's gonna be all spontaneous and new forever,

but I know you, and I know you're a hunter, and...

Maybe it was all about the pursuit all those years ago,

and now you're just looking for something else to chase.

And now it's been ten years, and I wake up, and...

...I'm a 33-year-old, unmarried, childless bar manager,

living in the only place that I ever really wanted to leave.

Hank, I think maybe you're looking around

to see if there's something else you can chase...

...and I'm thinking about all those things that I gave up just for a spot on your wall.

Everyone I know is married.

They all have kids.

And I have to hear it all the time, you know?

"What are you two doing?"

"What's he waiting for?"

I used to think that was just some small-town bullshit

I didn't care about, you know?

Getting married, having a litter of kids.

I don't know, Hank.

What are we doing?

What are you waiting for?

Cos if you're waiting for me to look like Jane again...

No.

You know, like twenty-something years old with stars in my eyes,

or if you're just looking for some other dumb doe to chase,

I really wish you'd tell me, cos it would make things a whole lot easier.

You have everything you want here.

You have me, you have the bar,

you have Wade, you have your hunting buddies...

...all these woods, and this big fucking house.

This falling-apart house.

What if I had gone back,

to the city, you know, all those years ago,

and you'd come with me...

...and we'd been living in, like,

a one bedroom walk-up all these years, you know.

You could hear our neighbors above us,

the traffic outside...

...and you didn't have any of that stuff

and you couldn't just wander into the woods any time you wanted.

You didn't have any of the things that made you you,

or... gave you purpose.

Would I be enough for you?

Cos I don't think I would.

Baby.

Hey, no...

Look at that.

Now I'm a... a 34-year-old,

unmarried, childless bar manager who lives in the sticks.

34.

Do you remember where we were tonight, ten years ago?

Yeah.

Right here.

Right in this room.

Sometimes it feels like we've lived our whole lives in this room.

I don't think your monster is coming.

(Goes up the stairs)

"For Julie".

Wait, what is that? Hey, what is that?

- Who the fuck is Julie? - Wait, wait, wait. Let me see it.

That... that...

Listen, this... this is incredible.

I mean, this is a very romantic birthday...

Oh, yeah! Talk about putting lipstick on a fucking pig.

But this tape, which is probably full of horribly embarrassing,

very dated, super emotional songs that you put on a tape for another girl.

Well, no, just one song.

I'm sorry, there's just one song on here?

Yeah, you know, when you put one song on and repeat it over and over?

- No, I don't know this. - So you don't have to rewind.

- So you do it over and over? - Oh, my God.

OK, so this tape is full of one song, over and over...

- Yeah. - ...for another girl that is not me,

but it somehow made its way here on my birthday.

This gift... you can't put a bow on it.

- Oh, don't pull that shit. - You can't unwrap this tape.

I just said that to you, come on.

This is truly experiential.

Just play the fucking tape.

I'm gonna play the tape.

♪ There is a house in New Orleans

♪ They call the Rising Sun

♪ And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy

♪ And Lord, I know I'm one

♪ My mother... ♪

♪ And we cannot be defeated

♪ They can take our bones

♪ And bury them deep under the river

♪ And we'll still be together... ♪

♪ We lost ourselves in the city lights

♪ And the long rides home and the quiet nights

♪ But we know we're the only ones

♪ We know we're the only ones... ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Abby...

- That's my girl. - My bitch.

♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

Love you!

OK, you guys have to promise not to laugh.

This is my first attempt.

- Oh, I know what that is. - Jesus Christ! What is that?

Take one and pass it down.

Is that pond water?

I call it "Sauvignon Brun", cos it's brown.

Er... it looks more like Sauvignon bleurgh!

- Hey, be nice. - (Wade) Sorry.

You made this, Abby? You made this?

Yeah!

So you, like, stomped on the grapes with your dirty feet,

is that why it's brown?

- Eugh! - Er... no.

It just, er... I didn't seal it right, so it oxidized.

You know, how, like, an apple goes brown.

- That means it's rotten. - Shut up, baby.

I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just curious.

Does anyone know the proper way to taste wine?

See.

Swirl.

Sniff.

Sip, and savor.

(Abby) That's right.

You guys remember Jonestown?

(Wade) I think about it all the time.

- Did we just do a pact? - (Jess) This is so good.

(Wade) Oh, man, we didn't even do any community outreach.

- (All laughing) - (Jess) This is so much fun, guys.

I don't even remember the last time I actually got drunk.

I do.

I think it was, like, two glasses of wine ago.

Ha-ha!

No, well, Momma got the nuggets and she told us to live it up a bit.

Yeah, yeah!

We're staying up to the crack of 12:30.

- Woah! - Party animals!

(Pam) Speak for yourself.

(Wade) I may have three glasses of wine tonight.

- (Pam) Woah! - (Wade) Yeah.

So, er... Hank, is your monster stopping by tonight?

Shane.

- Come on, man. - What? Everybody knows.

Oh, come on, there's a goddamn elephant in the room

and no one wants to talk about it.

Well, it wasn't an elephant.

- (Wade) It was a panther. - (Jess and Pam chuckle)

All right, I do have one question. Er...

Has anyone here seen a UFO?

- Yes. - I did once.

See?

Now, Pam.

- You're sure it was an alien spacecraft? - Yes.

- It couldn't have been a plane... - No.

- ...a helicopter, a weather balloon? - No.

A weather balloon? No.

Do you have any idea how vast the universe is?

I do. It's, like... like, nine football fields wide.

If you are smart enough to travel billions of light years,

why the fuck would you come to Barlow?

I mean, that's a good point. You're not wrong.

You're not wrong on that one.

I'm not wrong, because I am a police officer.

(Pam) You're a police officer?

Did you guys... did you know that?

I had heard, yeah.

And as a police officer, it is my job to use logic, and evidence,

and the powers of deduction to figure things out.

And that is why, Pam,

a zig-zagging light in the sky ain't a UFO,

a glob of dust on a photo ain't a ghost,

and, Hank, whatever the hell has been coming round your house

for the last month, it ain't a goblin, or a goddamn demon,

or anything else magical or supernatural, all right?

It's just not.

(Abby) Shane, this is not the time or the place.

I'm sorry, but for the last month, Hank has been shooting at cars,

and ranting and raving about monsters,

and now we're all just gonna sit here and pretend like it didn't happen.

I mean, we're all friends.

(Abby) Shane, just stop, it's not the time.

Some of us are family, some of us should be family,

and I'm saying all this because I love you.

Oh, is that what it is? You're doing it cos you love me?

I love you, too, buddy.

I love you, too, Shane.

You're right.

I've been an asshole lately.

Well, longer than lately, I guess,

but lately I've been more of an asshole, and I'm sorry for that.

And you're right, maybe we should've been family by now.

But you're wrong. About what I saw.

My God, the fucking ego on you.

You're a bachelor sheriff in a backwoods shithole,

and you think you got it all figured out.

Right, baby?

You're right, baby.

Hell, you're right about most things, most of the time.

You're right about this town.

This town is nothing but a speck of dust in a great, big world.

It's nothing but a speck of dust in a galaxy.

It's nothing but a speck of dust in a big, wide universe.

And if no thinking thing in its right mind is gonna go all that way

to come to Barlow...

...well, how could I ever expect you to stay here?

You're right, I...

I-I never gave enough...

thought to the things that made you happy...

...to the things you care about, or the things that make you who you are.

Or hell, maybe I ignored them sometimes.

Because, I don't know, it made me feel small, or stupid.

Just selfish shit, you know?

I always knew, with you, I'd caught something that you can't lock up...

...and then I went and tried to do it anyway.

I'm sorry.

So let's get the fuck out of here.

Let's get out of this place.

Sell the bar.

Let's get rid of this big, stupid goddamn house

that's been in my family, that's been killing everybody.

I'm never gonna fix it, you're right about that, too.

And let's move. You wanna move to Miami? Let's go.

Or Madrid, Moscow.

I'll go anywhere with you.

Anywhere.

Cos you're right about most things, but you're wrong about one thing.

You are enough for me, Abby.

Just one... one more thing.

- This is... - (Feedback whines)

Shit, sorry.

This is for you, baby.

And Julie.

(♪ Lisa Loeb's "Stay: I Missed You" playing)

♪ You say

♪ I only hear what I want to

♪ You say

♪ I talk so all the time, so

♪ And I thought what I felt was simple

♪ And I thought that I don't belong

♪ And now that I am leaving

♪ Now I know that I did something wrong

♪ Cos I missed you

♪ Yeah, I missed you

♪ And you say

♪ I only hear what I want to

♪ I don't listen hard, I don't pay attention

♪ To the distance that you're running

♪ To anyone, anywhere

♪ I don't understand if you even care

♪ I'm only hearing negative, no, no, no, bad!

♪ So I turned the radio on

♪ Turned the radio up

♪ And this woman was singing my song

♪ Lovers in love and the other's run away

♪ Lover is crying cos the other won't stay

♪ Some of us hover, only waiting for the other

♪ Who was dying since the day they were born

♪ Well, well, this is not that

♪ I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown

♪ And I thought I'd live forever but now I'm not too sure

♪ You try to tell me that I'm clever

♪ But that won't take me anyhow

♪ Or anywhere with you

♪ But you said that I was naive

♪ And I thought that I was strong

♪ I thought, "Hey, I can leave, I can leave"

♪ Oh, but now I know that I was wrong

♪ Cos I missed you

♪ Yeah, I missed you

♪ You said you'd caught me cos you want me

♪ And one day you'd let me go

♪ You'll try to give away a keeper or keep me

♪ Cos you know you're just so scared to lose

♪ And you say

♪ "Stay"...

OK.

♪ And you say

♪ I only hear what I want to ♪

Hank!

(Snarling)

(Shane) Abby, where is Hank's gun? Where is Hank's gun?

(Wade) Hank?

(Jess) Where are you going?

- You go out the back door. - (Jess) Please, hurry!

Hank!

(Hank) Come on!

Hank!

(Snarling continues)

(Screams)

(Shrieking)

- (Shane) I got it! - Oh, my God!

Hank.

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby.

Are you OK?

(Sobs)

I was supposed to... I was supposed to give this to you.

You wanna drink another case of this shit with me?

(♪ THE PARLOR: "We Will Elope")

♪ You will bear all of my fruit

♪ And you will dress all of my wounds

♪ And I won't ask of you more than to do more than to be

♪ There are feet beneath the knees

♪ And a tower in the trees

♪ And a future that believes

♪ Come like a hope, we will elope

♪ Hold out your hand to me

♪ Make me your soap, songs from your throat

♪ The berries that stained your hands

♪ And I will love you

♪ For the rest of your life

♪ I will love you

♪ And I will love you

♪ For the rest of your life

♪ I will love you

♪ And I will love you

♪ For the rest of your life

♪ I will love you

♪ For the rest of your life ♪