Original subtitles

[waves crashing]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up ♪ ♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up ♪

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style ♪

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up ♪ ♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up ♪

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style ♪

♪ I propose a toast ♪ ♪ To our fellow men ♪

♪ Faithful and true ♪ ♪ Except now and then ♪

♪ I propose a toast ♪ ♪ To our fellow men ♪

♪ Faithful and true ♪ ♪ Except now and then ♪

♪ When he sees a pretty lass ♪ ♪ He's sure to pinch your ass ♪

♪ While he's guzzling beer ♪ ♪ He's watching legs and tits and rears ♪

♪ He likes to hear the girlie squeal ♪ ♪ Every time he cops a feel ♪

♪ But of course, he'll never cheat ♪ ♪ Unless the Fräulein's in heat ♪

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up ♪ ♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up ♪

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style ♪

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up ♪ ♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up ♪

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style ♪

♪ I propose a toast ♪ ♪ To our fellow men ♪

♪ Faithful and true ♪ ♪ Except now and then ♪

♪ I propose a toast ♪ ♪ To our fellow men ♪

♪ Faithful and true ♪ ♪ Except now and then ♪

♪ When in flirting he indulges ♪

♪ His leather shorts start showing bulges ♪

♪ And he'll try for some caresses ♪

♪ Underneath the Fräulein's dresses ♪

♪ But that's as far as he'll explore ♪

♪ Unless the maiden asks for more ♪

♪ Then how can he defy her? ♪ ♪ He's honor bound to satisfy her! ♪

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up ♪ ♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up ♪

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style ♪

[Narrator] When the story starts like this,

you know you're in trouble.

[tires screeching]

[man yelling]

Holy shit!

You stupid bastard, you!

You fucking dummkopf!

- Pardon. - What?

Please forgive me.

I'm sorry. Fill it up with the cheap stuff, please.

[tires screeching]

[mooing]

Do something, make them move!

Ha, you think I can speak cow?

Hurry up or we'll miss the Professor.

- Damn it, drive around them! - [honking]

Going far?

Never mind, just please fill it!

[Sally] I said pull around the cows, not around the mountain.

[Heiner grunting]

Ugh, you're absolutely useless!

The Professor's gone by now.

[Heiner] Shucks, this never happens to James Bond.

[Sally] Quick, Heiner, there he is! Bring the rifle, hurry up!

[whimsical dramatic music]

[Heiner] Don't worry, I'll get him this time.

While you're watching,

think you could pull that car back on the road?

Well, don't just stand there, can you do it?

You're not supposed to shoot at animals.

He's not shooting at animals.

- At what, then? - At a man.

Oh, all right then, but no animals.

Come on Hilda, back to work.

[suspenseful music]

Come on, hurry, Hilda. I wanna see him shoot a man!

Hey, come on, come on.

That's it, that's--

[gunshot]

[can clanging]

Darn you, I missed!

Oh, sorry.

Why don't you try again?

[Heiner] I will.

- [Sally] Thank you, my good man. - You're welcome!

- [Professor] Please, hurry! - Ah, shut up, asshole.

- Huh, what did you say? - I said I'm almost finished.

[suspenseful music]

- [gunshot] - [Professor yells]

Hey! What's the matter? Have you got hemorrhoids?

No, I'm shot!

Please, here, here, take this.

Microfilm.

A new... discovery.

Gasoline...

made from...

[expires] cow manure.

Oh, oh. Hey, don't die.

- No, no, no! - [air hissing]

Oy, shot in the hemorrhoids, killed like a dog!

Oh, oh...

The microfilm,

No, ah! There it is!

Microfilm.

[upbeat music]

You've got to help me!

He's been shot! Murdered, murdered!

Just come-- Come and see for yourself, please!

Of course he's dead!

No mistake, I'm sure!

The corpse is driving away!

Stop! Stop! Come back here you corpse!

Will you listen? See? He's driving off!

You're full of shit! I'm not crazy.

Damn microfilm,

now he's gonna jerk my hose off!

He... God, the pump!

Stop fooling with me, Xaver.

He's pulling my hose down the road!

It's your job, Xaver, get down here!

What? For Christ sake, he hung up.

Ah, shit.

[whimsical music]

[Narrator] I knew this could only mean trouble.

Come in.

Do you mean come in or push in?

It makes no difference to me.

[in Italian] Oh, so beautiful...

What a beautiful bottom I've found.

But not now, I must milk the cows.

Oh, that's marvelous!

And after them you can milk me!

[mellow music]

You see how easily we could have killed you, Professor?

You're lucky it was a knockout dart.

I hope we've taught you a lesson.

Give us the formula now, okay?

I don't have the formula.

Well, in that case, dear Professor,

you leave us no choice.

We'll have to kill you.

Well, then you have a real problem, you see...

for if I am dead, then the formula is also dead.

You're getting me mad, Professor!

[clicking tongue]

Now, look. Tell me where the formula is.

Where's the formula? I'll break your head!

Where is it?

Oh, is she cute!

Huh?

Concentrate, man. The formula, the formula!

How can I think of formulas with a naked woman prancing about?

Knock it off, Professor, you're too old for that.

I want that formula.

I haven't got it.

- Where did you hide it? - Take care of the car, I'll handle it.

Okay.

[Sally] Dear Professor...

[Professor] Yes, luscious bite?

Herr Professor, darling.

Professor, you're my type.

Intellectual men arouse me.

Would you like me to stroke your slide rule?

Yes! Go ahead!

I will if you...

Oh, for you anything.

Mm-hmm.

And the formula? You'll tell me where it is.

Positively not.

Mm, but, Professor...

No, no!

It's just a little formula.

For me?

But it's just not with me.

Where is it?

I don't have it with me now, really.

But let's not worry about a silly little formula.

What did you do? Hide it at the station?

Hide it? With that mad fool?

[laughs] I wouldn't do that.

I am not that silly.

The formula is hidden where you'd never, ever look for it.

And I'll never tell you where.

We'll see about that.

- Lock him in the trunk. - Right.

[Professor yelling]

God damn it, where did he throw it?

Oh, oh, it could be valuable!

Here, microfilm, here, microfilm...

Come to Sandy.

Ah, it makes synthetic petrol.

If I find it, maybe it's worth a million!

All right, Sandy, you must think a little.

Where in this place would you hide?

You just wait, I'll find you.

The murderers! The formula! They want the formula!

[man yells]

They'll kill me, unless, unless... unless I get 'em first!

My god!

Stupid bloody ladder, shoot!

[grunts]

- Mein Führ... huh? - Mein who?

You want me to wash your socks?

I've done harm.

Xaver!

Xaver, I didn't mean it! Wake up!

It was a mistake, wake up!

[panting]

- Here, Xaver. - I'm washing them! I'm washing them!

- That's enough water! - Are you all right?

- Stop! Stop it, stop it! - I'm sorry.

I thought you were the murdering spies.

That water went past my mouth, up my nose and everywhere.

What do you think you are doing?

You want some whiskey for a little chaser?

Oh, I might, a little tiny taste,

but just for medicinal purposes, that's all.

Here! Here!

- Drink this. - Thank you.

- Huh, it's nice. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, give me that bottle back!

Now, come on, please don't drink the whole freaking bottle.

A man's been murdered and you finished my favorite schnapps!

Ah yes, because I just need this bottle for my evidence.

- For Christ's sake. - You don't suppose I drink this

just because I wanted a drink of whiskey, do you?

Here, hold this while I find my pencil.

Hmm, let's see. Murdered, you just said.

- Okay, but, it's awful. - Just a minute. Wait.

- It happened over there. - Just a second, I just--

- Dropped my pencil. - Where?

- On the ground, you fool! - I can't believe this.

You lose your pencil

when you're supposed to be finding clues!

Oh, oh, there's still some left.

Ooh...

[Xaver] Ah, here it is, I found it.

So did I. Hm!

- What did you find? Tell me! - Uh, uh, the formula!

- What's with this formula? - [stuttering]

say, for Pete's sake, that automatic!

Stick that heater in there before you shoot us!

Oh, it's not loaded. I'll show you it's not loaded.

- See there? - [gunshot]

[gulps]

Ah, it feels so good to be milking both of you this way.

[both moaning]

- [Kuhhirtin] Faster! Faster! - Oh, what's this?

I think there's something strange going on here.

I think I'll go and look.

It might be those crooks of Sandler's.

And what is this?

- [Tino] I'm coming, I'm coming! - Halt!

- [cow mooing] - [Tino yelling in Italian]

What's this all about?

It's a ménage à trois, idiot.

Don't swear at me, you foreigner.

I saw you both screwing that cow.

So? It's a bi-sex with a bison.

We're all consenting adults.

How about doing it inside?

At home? Behind closed doors?

We've tried, but the cow, she's too big for the door.

Aha, now you admit that you're a pervert, huh?

[curses in Italian]

We know how to deal with people like you around here.

Yeah, give me your passport.

My passport? It's missing.

Aha! You're probably a spy!

- Now, who are you spying for? - A spy, me?

[laughs]

- I'm an American-Italiano. - Yeah, yeah, that's right, mafioso.

It makes no damn difference to me, you hear?

Ah, but my friend has passport, I'll call him!

- Emil, come on out! - What's up, Tino?

- Don't ask questions. Come right here! - Come here.

- Hope he's got it, otherwise it's prison. - Yeah, sure, I'm coming now.

- And what seems to be the big problem? - I'll tell...

[funny music]

- Mm? - Nothing, nothing.

Heh, heh. I'll, I'll, I'll see you later.

[both laughing]

- How was the milking girl? - Oh, I never found out!

I was interrupted as I was about to cum!

I'll have to try again tomorrow.

When's my turn, Tino?

Take it easy, I'll find you one.

Leave it to me to find the one big enough for you, huh?

I'll let you know when I do.

[lively music]

- Here's your beer, Franz. - Thanks, Zenzi dear.

How about a little action now?

Will you quit that, Franz? I'm working, please.

Can't you get off work for a little fun?

Or let's see if we can do it here this way, huh?

Yeah, but you need a Zenzi special.

- [groaning] - [laughing]

[Narrator] Sherlock Holmes said,

"Always look through the local paper for suspects."

And there's one now.

Zenzi, hold on, wait a minute.

I want something to eat. Uh, blue plate and a beer.

- Okay, Sandy. - The boss, where is he?

- He's over there. - Oh yeah, thank you.

Huber!

Who did that?

- Sandler, what are you doing? - Shh, I'll tell you,

but you must keep it a secret.

- You must keep it a secret. - Mm-hmm, a woman.

Huber...

- We could become rich! - Rich!

Not so loud, someone could be listening.

Spies are everywhere around here.

You-- You must promise me not to tell anyone.

- Don't I always keep our secrets? - Hm.

Now, for instance, I didn't tell your wife about your mistress.

Shut your mouth!

- [Man] Fräulein, another beer, please. - Okay.

[gasping]

You're so anxious, you can get your spaghetti yourself!

This is somebody's order.

There you are, now you can place your order, mister.

I would expand this hotel,

I could get some happy hookers, too!

Now, just a second, we'd better check out some things,

but I haven't got the right equipment.

So, perhaps your projector would work.

You want my still projector?

I'm talking about a tiny little piece of microfilm.

- Fooey! - Why do you say that?

[Huber] I'm not getting mixed up with any of your dirty films.

[Sandler] I'm talking about microfilms, not beaver films.

I know how you make your money.

Now please, give me that soup plate.

I'm saying it's a little microfilm

containing a formula worth millions.

- It'll make gas from crap. - It what?

I'm telling you, from bullshit, it makes gasoline!

How so?

Huber, this product will be revolutionary.

- Think of that. - Sounds good, let me see it.

You don't expect me to show it to you here.

Here's your dinner, Sandler.

Thank you.

- Wait a minute, that's not yours. - Just put it down, thanks.

Ahem, listen, I'm going to make you a proposal, okay?

Your kid has a projector for enlargements, right?

You make it available and we're in business.

Sure, okay we can do that.

- Good. - Where is this formula?

[Sandler] Leather shorts.

- Leather shorts?! - Keep it quiet!

I've told you, spies.

I pinned it inside.

If they try to find it, they'll have bad luck.

Wait, that's my food.

[bell rings]

Why are we stopping here?

This is as nice a place as any.

Maybe we can find some women and have some fun.

We haven't got much money left, you know?

Emil, have I ever let you down? The girls will treat us.

There must be a piece for you and a piece for me.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Don't worry about it.

First, I know, I can find a way into those Bavarian bushes.

- You think you can. - What do you think?

Mm-hmm!

Oh?

Just my bag, come on, give me a coin.

Our very last mark.

Now we got nothing left.

Don't worry.

Isn't it beautiful, this lovely landscape?

[Emil] Sure, great, but what are we gonna do, eat the land?

[Tino] Don't worry, if things go as I planned,

we will soon be frolicking in that bush garden.

And just look at all those Bavarian bushes.

Yeah, nice, but we can't eat those bushes.

You'd be surprised.

Look at that, a man could find all he wants

in this wonderful country.

Hey, look what we found.

Mm?

Oh?

Empty, nothing.

Now what do you suggest?

Hey, look, some Bavarian bush right there.

Hey, need a good bush whacker?

Uh-huh, watch this.

Hey, hey, hey!

[whimsical music]

Signorina, I'd like to give

your lovely Bavarian bush a feel, okay?

Get stuffed, runt!

Oh, please, I'm enthralled by your Bavarian bush.

I must have it!

[yelling]

Sorry you flipped over me, kid, but no thanks.

- Have any more ideas, Tino? - Of course, let me think.

Oh, now I'll show you what's gonna make us rich.

[Huber] Oh, in there?

[laughing]

Laugh, go ahead.

I'll bet I could show those spies a few things.

- Is that it? - Put it in.

[Huber] Oh?

Mm...

It seems a bit complicated, do you understand it?

Do you Sandy?

Hmm, might be chemicals.

Could the pharmacist read it, or the doctor?

Hm, and our millions?

They will shrink if we cut in the doctor and the pharmacist.

Hid it in a pair of leather shorts.

But which pair of leather shorts?

I've been thinking, you know?

Ah, don't think too hard, you may strain your scrotum.

Okay baby, what's your plan?

I think best in bed, you know that.

Especially while I'm screwing.

Are you up to it, super agent?

Well, I don't mind balling,

when it's for a good purpose, Sally.

- [upbeat song starts] - [moaning]

♪ It's in the air ♪

♪ Everyone's having an affair ♪

♪ They all lose control in Tyrol ♪

♪ The wenches are doing ♪ ♪ some fabulous screwing ♪

♪ In the horny old town of Tyrol ♪

[yodeling]

♪ Yes, love is so great in Tyrol ♪

[Sally moans]

♪ It must be the town ♪

♪ Each boy and girl go down ♪

♪ They all lose control in Tyrol ♪

[Sally] I'm thinking! I'm thinking! Oh, I'm thinking!

♪ Everyone's giving head ♪

♪ In the horny old town... ♪

Hey Zenzi, what are you doing?

Shh, they're screwing.

Oh yeah?

- [Sally] It's coming! It's coming! - [Heiner] So am I.

Get away, you pervert! Stand back!

♪ Love's so great in Tyrol ♪

- [Sally moaning] - [upbeat music]

[yodeling]

- Hey, Lois! - Oh, hi, Claudia.

♪ Yes, love's the game in Tyrol ♪

What's wrong, Lois? What happened?

Oh, Claudia...

your uncle said we shouldn't meet anymore.

- [Claudia] The old fart. - You shouldn't make fun of him.

But he is an old fart

and he has no right to keep us apart.

After all, we're practically engaged.

I know how you feel. There's no place for us to meet.

Poor boy, just get the ladder

and come up to my room tonight, okay?

And what about your uncle, huh?

We don't have to worry about him,

because his friends are taking him out tonight.

All right, but if I'm ever found inside your bedroom,

then we're both in big trouble.

Oh don't worry, hun, I'll be waiting up for you.

[chuckling]

[whistling]

Well, did you get any ideas?

Uh-huh.

- What? For instance. - You'll see soon enough.

[Sandler] Claudia!

- Hey, Claudia! - [Claudia] Yes, uncle?

- Get my pipe tobacco! - [Claudia] Okay.

I'll be in the hotel, in the bar.

[Claudia] I'll bring it right down.

Uh-huh, just fits my plans.

Hurry up, it's time to go to work again.

You're thinking wore me out, I think I'll take a nap.

[dog barking]

It's miserable.

Not one decent shot of a nude woman.

It looks like the hairs on Huber's ass

and it means as much to me.

What?

But Sandler is right.

It really makes about as much sense as my bottom.

It's all Greek!

Would one of you men like to take a better look?

Not at your bottom.

I think I know.

Mm-hmm.

You were pretty close about Huber's ass.

Yeah, except it's cow shit.

Huber?

Yeah?

Bring a beer.

[whimsical music]

- [loud crack] - [dog barks]

[Claudia] Oh, finally! I thought you'd never get here.

[humming]

Look out, sweetheart, here comes a man.

[Claudia] And what a man, what a man.

[Sally] Get ready, he's coming. Now, now!

[Claudia] I am ready, come, come!

Is this what you planned, a threesome?

Oh my god, Lois, I thought he was you!

He climbed into my bed!

You expect me to believe that nonsense?

That you couldn't tell the difference

between this little piece of stinkin' garbage and me?

[Heiner groaning]

♪ Oh my darlin' ♪ ♪ Oh my darlin' ♪

[Man] We're trying to sleep! Shut up, you bastards!

[men singing drunkenly]

[grunting] I'll get you!

So long, baby, don't forget where we left off!

♪ Oh my darlin' ♪

♪ Oh my darlin' Clementine ♪

[yelling]

- Bravo, bravo! - Are you a pole vaulter?

That's the way I used to visit Anna when I was young.

[all laughing]

- That's an exit to be proud of. - Bravo!

Maybe she has time for me.

If she does, I'll show her a real man.

[shouting]

Still another one, she's got 'em all jumpin'.

- You're her uncle. - Right.

And as a guardian you're not worth a shit.

I'm pleased to meet ya!

You didn't even know they came from your niece's room.

[laughing]

Down in her roomey, room, room,

she goes bang, bang, bang, boomey, boom.

Shut up, you stupid chump.

♪ Oh my darlin' ♪

♪ Oh my darlin' ♪

Shh, you'll wake my wife up.

[low voice] ♪ Oh my darling Clementine ♪

♪ Oh my darling Clementine ♪

♪ You are lost and... ♪

What's going on here? Where's my Josef?

Your husband's going up a ladder to your niece's bedroom.

[cackling]

My husband is what? He must be crazy drunk!

Go get him, Anna!

Ooh...

[drunkenly] Ah, you're promiscuous, uh-huh?

So any man'll do.

I saw them, I saw them!

Yeah, uh-huh...

and I don't like it.

Your men just sneak in and out, huh?

Seems you don't know where to stop.

But they climbed in though the window.

What could I do?

[gasps] Josef!

How can you do this?

The town! This'll finish us here!

[giggling]

She thinks you and me...

[Anna shrieking]

Oh my god...

Geronimo!

What's happening, the ground is moving!

Somebody stop the ground!

He's an outright cad! Look at that miserable dummkopf!

Never set foot in here again!

Cover yourself, Claudia.

[upbeat music]

Yuck!

Ah yoo-hoo! [giggles]

Hey, how 'bout you and me, eh?

Know that man?

Uh-oh, he was dead! Shot in the hemorrhoids!

So help me god...

Just thinking about it, I pissed in my pants.

He was at you gas station, right?

Yeah, uh-huh.

And he gave you some film.

Yeah, but I threw it away

and he drove away without paying me.

Ah, but dead men don't drive.

Where is the film?

You want me to prove it? Huh? [hums]

I haven't got any film.

I'll show you every part of my beautiful body.

It's not there, see? You know what's inside.

Balls!

It's thrilling, it takes the breath away.

♪ If you're here there's no use in crying ♪

♪ If she's small take dead aim at the center ♪

♪ If you keep a-pushin' and tryin' ♪

♪ She'll spread out and allow you to enter ♪

Pretty thing, come to me!

I've got what you need, see?

Where is the formula?

[giggles] Okay, I'll tell you...

I've hidden it...

in a pair of leather pants, but which pair?

Or maybe I hid it in your clothes, let's see.

[loud boing]

Let's show... each other.

[Rooster] Any cock'll do!

[mellow music]

[Rooster] Will my cock do?

Ciao bambina!

[chuckling]

Oh!

Grazie!

[speaking Italian]

Mm-mm!

And what have you been doing?

- Screwing like a head. - How was it?

Eh, not too bad. Ah, but you know women...

She got temperamental at me, so...

You never quit. Wasn't once enough?

Not enough to get us this bread and bacon.

Come on!

[humming happily]

Well, I guess that's fair,

at least I'll get some food out of it.

Wow...

what a loaf of bread.

- Here you are, Emil. - Thanks.

- Here. - Oh.

Oh? Is that all?

Well, I'm the one that did the balling.

[crickets chirping]

Thanks for keeping our secret.

But of course I kept it! My millions are at--

Do you think I'm the type that would tell a secret?

- Where is my formula? I need it. - [grunting]

I left it at the drugstore laboratory...

and maybe it's not secure.

Those nasty spies, it's possible they'll kill us!

[grunting]

[Professor] Oh, you're very strong.

Uh-huh, yes!

But listen, there's muscle up here

and in my arms also, huh? I'm strong everywhere.

I'll show you, let me demonstrate.

[Professor] I'd appreciate it.

It's okay, lean forward and I'll untie you.

- Do you know where the drugstore is? - [Professor] Yeah.

You go there and wait for me.

I'll get my clothes and join you, and please wait.

Don't move an inch you understand?

You leave and they'll kill you!

Oh no, they wouldn't kill me again.

Yes! They sure would shoot you.

Shoot, yeah.

Remember...

I have the formula, that's what they're after.

Do you think you could translate a little bit of it?

Uh-huh, that's easy.

[Professor giggling]

And when you do, we'll keep it for us.

[giggles]

[suspenseful music]

Sally, look out!

[Sally] Stop him! Don't let him get away!

[groaning]

[whimsical music]

[Xaver] Halt, halt!

- Stop there in the name of the law! - Xaver! Am I glad to see you.

You're just in time, I'm escaping from the spies.

That makes no sense, you should be ashamed.

No sense? The Professor will prove it.

- Phone him at the drug store. - Why at least don't you have underwear?

You're a disgrace! You shouldn't be out in public!

I'm trying to tell you, they stole my clothes!

I'm warning you one more damn time,

if you don't get dressed quickly, I'm gonna lock you up!

I said my clothes were robbed!

You're under arrest now, Sandler. Do I make myself clear?

Perfectly, but you'll have to catch me first!

Halt, halt!

- Come back here, you. Come back! - I'll see you around. Bye!

You just wait till I get you.

♪ All the girls keep running after the hot rod ♪

♪ Around him they all like to flock ♪

♪ To the wenches he's just like a sex god ♪

♪ He rules all his chicks like a cock ♪

♪ We love the hot rod ♪

♪ He's the young fountain ♪

♪ All the wenches fight to be drenched ♪

[giggles] Look at him go!

Eh, he looks crazy. Mm.

Good morning, ma'am. Oh, uh oh.

[whimsical music]

Halt, I see you!

Stop, I said, stop!

Stop! I'm coming to get you.

[groans]

Aw, shit. Stop, Sandler!

I'm gonna get you if it's the last thing I ever do.

[yells] Ow! Goddamn it.

Oh no...

Sandy, where are you going?

That bastard, I'll bet he's been screwing in the bushes.

I'll fix him.

Son of a bitch never gives up, I'll hide in the house.

Oh no, that'll be the first place he'll look.

I'll hide behind the wood.

- [loud thump] - [gasps]

[groans]

[groaning]

Oh, Xaver, how'd you put your clothes on so fast?

Aha! Your husband is cuckoo...

and ma'am it seems to me that you're a bit mixed up

and peculiar, too.

I think I should arrest you also, ma'am.

Ah, but I made a mistake.

I thought you were that no good husband of mine.

That bastard, I'll pluck out his eyes

and bash his head in if I get my hands on him.

- Ah, he's not here then? - No, he's outside flaunting it.

Excuse me, I'd better try and stop him.

- Aha! - Oh.

- Hi, Xaver. - Oh, hi, Sandler.

Now, let me tell you what has happened.

Not now, I've gotta catch a lunatic that's running around naked.

Uh, so...

Aha! Now it's you that's freaked out, too bad.

- [gasping] - [clears throat]

Now, what was the cop doing in the house?

Can you explain that?

This time you damn stupid fool, you've really done it.

Appearing in front of the whole town naked, how dare you?

You won't believe this, but I was kidnapped by spies.

Don't tell me you were kidnapped, you philanderer.

I know what you're like,

you were up to your old tricks, you reprobate.

Scaring all the young girls by taking off all your clothes!

- No, there really are two spies! - You expect me to believe that story?

Come! Come on. Get inside, you. Get inside!

[Sandler] Ow, my ear! Let me explain, come back here!

Anna! Anna! Unlock the door, Anna!

Oh, Anna, please!

Don't go away! Don't leave me here! Come back!

Mommy, you can't leave me here!

Listen, come home!

[sobbing] Mommy, please come back!

[whimsical music]

There's a lot of leather shorts out there.

[Sally] Well, we'll have to go through them all

until we find the pair with the microfilm.

Most of them are at the inn. That should make it easier.

Where the hell is my costume?

God damn it, I know I brought it with me.

It isn't here and I needed it to mingle with the locals.

This would never happen to Brigitte Bardot.

Oh yeah?

And Sean Connery wouldn't just stand there,

he'd put his head to work and get me a costume.

Well, how about this little number Sally, huh?

I'm sure it fits.

[giggling]

I'm supposed to be waiting on tables outside, you fool you.

Pretend I'm your order and eat me up!

- You'll have to catch me. - [both giggling]

Now comes the best part, the dessert,

and the dessert is me.

And here's another piece.

That's nice, but I hope it fits.

You can make anything fit, I should know.

Oh, very funny.

[both giggling]

[humming]

- Here. - That's fine, now I'm ready to go.

Oh, but you're always ready to go, liebchen.

- Come here. - Ooh.

[both giggling]

Get ready!

[cheerful traditional music]

Let me tell you something,

you're not gonna be dancing with anybody tonight.

- Screw you! - I'm telling you!

- Uh-huh. - What do you think you're doing?

Stop it!

- Stop! - Oh, come on, Claudia.

A bush in the hand is worth two birds on the loose.

Get away, you creep!

[laughing]

- Just a little more. - Stop it, you laundry freak!

Fresh air's good for little beavers.

[upbeat traditional music]

- [applause] - [cheerful song starts]

I wonder, how do we find the formula in this crowd?

Oh, I've got the whole thing planned, see you around.

[Claudia] Come on, Sepp, let's dance.

Anything you say, honey, I've been waiting for this chance.

[giggling] Wee!

[Lois] Bullshit!

[Claudia giggling happily]

That's her, Tino! That's the girl I want for me.

There you go again, she's too hot for you.

What do you think you're doing?

I know how to stop you. You're embarrassing me, poof!

Fräulein, give me that.

[shrieking]

Hey!

[groaning]

I've heard about you, faggot.

Why don't you go back to the city where you came from?

- Fuck, you're so masculine. - I'll let you feel my arm.

[rooster singing]

[Claudia] What a cock-a-doodle-oo, wow.

And there really is a professor, it's true.

He arrived today. Where did you hide him?

In the cellar of my pharmacy.

There's nothing to worry about, he's perfectly safe down there.

- I hope so. - Hey, doctor! Hey, doctor!

Come! I'm in an awful fix.

My old lady put me behind bars.

I see you're under house arrest and you make a good prisoner.

- [laughing] - You don't say.

Oh fuck, get me outta here.

You'll see the key, it's up over the jamb.

[upbeat traditional music]

If you want a girl, you gotta dance around here.

You gotta give them the sweet talk, then you have to ram it in.

When she says no, just ram it home and she's happy.

It would have been easier to get laid at a rock festival.

Yes, but only with the peasants.

You wait for me here.

Ciao bellissima! You have gorgeous legs.

Let me feel your Bavarian bush.

[yells in pain]

[laughing]

My finger! My finger! Somebody take it off of me!

Bastard, you should be ashamed of yourself!

You see? That's what you get for being so fresh all the time.

[whimsical music playing]

[sneezes]

Christ almighty.

Where's my plate? I must find it.

- Oh, ah... - [crunching noise]

And I was so hungry, too.

You can still suck, Xaver!

[laughs loudly]

You'll be more popular, too, with the boys.

Don't make fun of me or I'll run you in.

In fact, I think you're the one who's been stealing dentures.

Say "ah."

"Ah."

That's it, "ah."

Thank you!

Say, not a bad fit for cheap teeth, hm?

[loud fart]

[Man] Hey, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

Give me my pants you goddamn pervert shithouse thief!

When I get out of here I'm gonna kick you a new asshole!

[upbeat music playing]

Huber, will you stop serving beer? You must come with us.

You've got these two, why do you want me?

Use your head, we're partners.

The Professor's waiting for us in the laboratory.

- The manure professor? - Not so loud.

Hey, shut your mouth, just remember the formula.

Be sure you keep it well hidden.

And listen, don't tell anyone where it is.

It's in my leather pants.

Come on, let's go, get moving.

Thank you for the pictures.

How would you like to have some fun baby, huh?

- Taking photographs? - No, we'll fuck.

- I'm better at it than he is. - I've got the biggest one in town.

- Mine's much longer than his. - Mine's a hell of a lot harder.

Why don't you measure us all?

Okay, but I'll only take on the largest.

How do you propose we have this contest?

Yeah, tell us!

Ah well, now boys, you just move back there,

and drop your drawers

and whichever one of you has the biggest one gets me.

Pants off!

Ouch, it's caught in my zipper.

Get buttons next time.

Wait until you see this one, honey.

Measure me, I'm ready.

- He's got a disease! - Hey, look at me!

You'll faint when you get a look at my sausage!

Wait for me! My pecker's still caught in my zipper.

Tough shit!

[Claudia] My, you're all hung like young bulls,

I'll take you all on,

but you'll have to catch me first!

- Come on, let's get her! - Let's get her!

[all shouting]

- Get the hell out of my way! - [woman screams]

- What if Anna sees you? - Mind your own business.

That dumb cunt wouldn't know where to find me anyway.

Excuse me!

Certainly. Hello, cutie, enjoy yourself!

Those guys'll fuck her blind.

Wait, that's the spies. After them!

Our pants, we've been robbed!

Okay, who's been robbed? Move on, move on!

Bugger off, Xaver! Go give out a parking ticket.

Come on! She went that a way!

Those are mine!

Get outta the way, shitkicker, you're coming with me!

- Stop that man, he's a sex fiend! - Isn't everybody in this movie?

[grunting] Let me get my panties.

[grunts] You're wasting your time...

You're not my type!

- Get in the car. - You're hurting me!

[groaning]

Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Now I've got you.

[Claudia yells]

- Oh, shit. - Oh, my ankle.

- Uh-huh! Got you, you spy! - Let go of me, you fat pig!

You won't get away this time, cutie.

- I'm gonna turn you over to the police! - Get away from me you tub of lard!

- They shoot spies, don't they? - Get off me, fatso!

Help! Rape!

Help! Rape!

You dirty old man, you stop that!

Get off that girl!

I'm gonna get mad and I'm coming!

Hey Sandy, sock it to her!

- What's the matter with you? - Hello, Anna.

Are you going crazy?

First you're running around naked

and now you're raping a girl in broad daylight!

- I'll lock you up again, now. - I'm innocent!

You march straight back to the house!

Uh, madam, madam, there's been a misunderstanding.

I think you ought to shut your mouth and mind your own business.

If you know what's good for you.

- Are you out of your mind? - Look! She's getting away! Let go!

Are you completely mad?!

Stop this car, you lousy creep!

- Wait till my uncle gets you! - Sit down.

Wait, where is she?

- Follow me. - What?

- She went that-a-way! - Let's get her!

[Sandler] She's headed for the barn!

She ran that way.

- Okay, you guys over there. - Where did the man go?

We'll get the man later, come on.

[Claudia panting]

[Claudia grunts]

Well, now that we're here...

we can spend our time resting,

unless you'd like some hanky-panky.

Hanky-panky bullshit, haven't you balled me enough?

And now you might be different, maybe.

We've had enough of you gangsters here.

I'm not a gangster,

I'm an independent agent for industry.

Oh yeah? You expect me to believe that story?

Just promise me you won't run away and I won't need to tie you.

No shit.

But I did enjoy screwing you last night.

You can only think of sex.

You weren't any good anyway.

This might make a good weapon.

Agent 69, please come in.

Agent 69, please come in!

Take that!

- What the hell? - Hey, it's raining rice.

Who's getting married?

Take that, too!

- Now it's apples. - Must be an Italian marriage.

[Sandler] I never thought our act was that bad.

And take these, too!

- Now it's raining onions! - Italian apples.

[Sandler] Oh, let's go fellas, let's get off stage.

What's happened to these young people?

No respect for their elders!

Stop already, they didn't throw anything at us at the Aria!

Okay, stop it already!

The producer said we've gotta eat these props for lunch!

[loud crashing]

[Sandler] Come on, let's go, let's go!

Super Dick, come in.

Super Dick, there are these men bugging me.

Super Dick speaking.

If it's that gas station attendant, I have his niece hostage.

So, did you listen to what's coming down?

Okay men, quickly, close the door.

Okay, agreed, but don't hurt my niece.

I'll do anything!

And tell that gangster I wanna speak to my niece,

to Claudia!

How horrible!

How about letting me speak to her on that thing there?

Please, I've got to talk to her, let me talk to her!

Okay, I'll get her.

Hello up there,

you're uncle says he wants to speak with you.

Okay, I hope you got a good look at my bush.

That's the last time you'll see it.

[Claudia] Hurry, uncle, this guy's gonna eat me for lunch!

Claudia, I'm coming with my friends, hold out!

- I really am coming. - You and your sex jokes.

I didn't mean that, I mean that we're coming to help, Claudia.

- Where is the place? - At the Gamson Elms.

- Enough! - [groans]

Okay, I'm expecting that you turn Sally loose, you hear?

And the formula with her.

Look, the microfilm belongs to us, clear?

Let's not do anything hasty, fellas.

It's worth millions.

Remember, she's gonna be your daughter in law.

Well, yeah, but this is more important.

Oh, up your bladder!

Listen to me...

you two go to the Professor and keep the formula safe.

We'll go get Claudia.

- Yeah, beautiful plan. - Yeah.

Get moving men.

I've still got a trick or two up my sleeve.

- And they think I'm stupid. - Maybe they're right.

So, let's get you cute ass inside and make a little love.

Forget last night 'cause I'll never fuck you again, never again!

[door rattling]

Come on, Claudia, knock it off.

Be a sport, honey.

Open the door, remember how sweet it was last night?

Open the gosh darn door!

Do you think this will stop me you crazy twit?

Open this darn door!

- Hey Lois, come here! - Hey, Lois! Stop! Stop!

Your sweet Claudia's being held prisoner.

Yeah, she's being held at the Gamson Elms.

- Can you get there quickly? - Hurry.

The others aren't coming, we're going back

to guard the Professor!

[all yelling]

Come along!

Ah, this is the easiest way to get there.

You're right.

- It's operating, she can sit on my lap. - What's the matter with my lap?

Look, it's my idea, so she'll sit on mine--

[Sally] See you later, alligator!

Look what's happening! We gotta try and stop her!

[Sally] Ta-ta, ta-ta! Ciao!

- Don't just stand there. - What? Oh.

- Go after her! - Stay there, stay there...

I got you.

Come on! What are you waiting for?

- Come on! Come on! - Oh shit, I'm coming.

- Get in the chair, you dumb fuck! - Oh yes, a chair!

[grunting]

[chuckles]

Now, my little chickadee...

I'm sure to grab on to you! [giggling]

Yes, naturally.

We'll catch up, yeah!

Faster, Huber! We'll catch up with her!

Who was that? Evil Knievel?

[whimsical music]

Are you ready now?

I know you love me.

- Leave me alone, you bastard! - Don't deny it.

I know you're crazy about me.

Stop pretending. Come here, Claudia.

The other girl means nothing. I'm yours alone my dearest!

Fly me to the moon!

[loud clattering]

Aw, my sweet gentle little girl...

Wait for me! We'll run away together, ouch!

- I love girls who play hard to get. - [Claudia yells]

[laughing] Got you, my little bird!

- Get away, you damn asshole! - I love you madly.

- Come on, don't be coy. - [Claudia grunting]

We'll slide down the cellar door together,

just the two of us my delicate one.

Can't you take a hint?!

Don't try to escape, Fräulein!

It won't do you any good! We'll catch you anyway!

Fat chance, you slob!

We'll get you. Come on, Huber!

We'll get you before we get to Gamson Elms!

Come back here, hey!

Hey, hey, hey! It's got me!

Hey, let go! Let go! Help!

Help! No, wait, help!

Look, she's getting away, Sandy.

Huber you've gotta help me. I'm stuck, help!

- Where do you think you're going? - Help me! Help me!

- [Sandler screaming] - Wait for me, I'm rushing!

Come back here, Sandler!

I can't come back there. Do something, idiot!

- You come here! - Oh!

[grunting]

Hurry! You gotta help me! I'm afraid of high places!

♪ There's a damsel running in the grass ♪

♪ With gigantic titties and a very gorgeous ass ♪

♪ I must light her fire ♪

♪ I'll play with her nipples till she's burning with desire ♪

♪ I'll act cool and smart and the fun will start ♪

♪ Oh-la-ree, oh-la-ra ♪

[grunting] Oh, my darling.

I know you didn't mean that.

Hey be careful with that, you'll hurt yourself.

Round and round we go, whoops!

That's not the gun you want.

And now we are one, my love.

[Claudia grunting]

♪ I'll roll her titties up and down ♪

♪ There'll be no undressing ♪

♪ I'll take off her gown and look into her eyes ♪

♪ Shove my hand right between her thighs ♪

♪ We'll be in the raw laying on the straw ♪

♪ Oh-la-ree, oh-la-ra ♪

- Come here you. Get on! - Go!

- I don't ride with motorcycles. - It sure beats walking, get on.

Okay then, get going. Move!

Help me! Help me! I'm getting airsick!

Oh good, I'm coming in for a landing.

Ah, thank god. Terra firma.

I'm coming, Sandy, don't worry!

I'll save you, hang in there! Hang in there!

What a relief, now I can get off this thing.

Now maybe I can get some help.

Hello? Huber, it's okay!

Now, let's just get this loose.

Oops! Who turned out the lights? If I could only find the button!

[echoing] Help! Is there anybody in here?

Help, help! Is there anybody in there?

If there's anybody in there, shut this damn thing off!

Oh my god, shit!

Oh, motherfucking, goddamn son of a bitch!

Why? Why did I ever buy these silly pants?

Piss on it! Next time, I'll take the fucking bus!

Hurry, Huber! Hurry!

Get ready to jerk me off!

I don't wanna go up again!

How come you didn't get off at the station?

Because, you fucking idiot, I like it here!

Now, come on! Stop asking me dumb questions!

Just get me down!

Oh, what have I done to deserve this?

- Hold on, Sandy, I'm coming, I'm coming! - Hurry, she's getting away!

Getting away? She's gone.

Forget it, nevermind.

I've had it.

Piss on it, go on home.

I'm happy. I'm happy!

With friends like you, who needs enemies?

It's very easy for you down there, but what about me up here?

But you don't care about me, I'm a bird!

I'm a big ass bird! Next, I'll lay eggs!

Cluck, cluck! Cock-a-doodle-doo!

[panting and groaning]

♪ I'll keep diddling the wench all day ♪

♪ In the hottest, most passionate lay ♪

♪ And when my blimp goes limp ♪

♪ I'll roll her over and say "Please, let me get hard again" ♪

♪ Oh-la-ree, oh-la-ra ♪

Come on, grab me quick! Huber, grab hold of my legs!

Slow down! Slow down!

Oh, what the hell, forget it. I like it up here anyway.

I'll fly to Capastrano, you go on home. Go on!

♪ Up we go into the wild blue yonder flying... ♪

Aw, huh!

I'll show her, two can play at it.

[Claudia moaning]

We'll show them they're not so great.

Come here!

Oh!

What are you-- Stop it!

- What do you think you're doing? - Come on, we'll show 'em.

[Cow] What the hell are they doing lying down?

Put me down you goddamn, motherfucking machine!

Hold it! I said put me down, goddamn it!

Huber, help!

Get me off this damn thing! I'll get killed!

Huber, stop this god damn thing!

Well, why didn't you push the stop button?

- What? - The stop button!

How the hell could I push it? For Christ's sake, you go push it!

Have you got shit for brains?

[Sandler screaming]

- Sandler you're safe? - Land, beautiful land, thank god.

- Did you break anything? - I think I broke my ass.

You shouldn't be doing things like that.

You're too old to learn to fly.

Grow up, you'll get a heart attack.

Up there everything looks lovely.

What do we do now?

The spies, I saw the spies. Come on, come on!

- I'm coming. - Let's get them, hurry.

Just what the doctor ordered, take one.

What if they have a gun?

Well, we'll stick 'em, they'll be surprised.

We'll go get Claudia and then haul ass back to the Professor.

- Let's go! - Come on!

I'll show him who's the better peasant pumper

around this freaking place!

Let's show him our speed. Hmm? How about that?

There they are, get down.

Okay, come on.

Aha!

Ah, shh.

Here, look. I'm gonna put this hat on the fork

and maybe they'll take a crack at it.

Phew.

- They didn't shoot. - They're just laying each other.

What?

- Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. - We'll stick 'em in their damn asses.

You go around there, I'll go this way.

[whimsical music]

Stop it this instant, you rapist.

[Sandler] You oughta be shot!

This shagging...

we can't put up with you acting this way!

You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

I'm mature enough to fend for myself.

So stop all this bullshit. Go fuck off.

Now, that's enough.

Hmm...

You know, she's got some good points there.

[Anna] Hmm!

And there's a second point, it's between your two legs.

And that's the thing that starts your problems.

Just like a house cat.

Well, you go around trying to hose strange dames,

prone-boning whatever you find.

Suppose you tell me what I'm guilty of?

- You know very well what I'm saying. - You have no respect.

[groaning]

It's time to shove off.

I'll be at the bar with the boys.

And, and-- And you stay in your room!

[Claudia] No.

Now, you obey me! Stay in the house!

[Claudia] No!

Yes!

[Claudia] No!

Anna, will you talk to her?

When are you going to stop this?

Your problem is you will never find a husband this way.

If you don't get your head in order, I'll stick you in a cloister.

Don't lay that on me, they wouldn't have me.

Well, you're in love with Lois.

Yeah, but there's no way he'd marry me now.

Ah, he'll forgive in a minute.

Just use a little enchantment on him.

Yes but how?

The same way I bagged your dear uncle.

You know, he didn't want me either at first.

Well then, you must tell me your secret.

[Anna] Dance and fuck.

[men laughing cheerfully]

I drink to you all, meine herren. Ja!

- There's mud in your eye! - Down the hatch!

And after we're rich, professor, maybe we'll form a sheikhdom.

Hmm, sheikdom, good idea.

And then we'll sell all the gas to the Americans.

They already buy our shit. [laughs]

And by the time the Arabs find out...

we'll all be as rich as Rockefeller!

[all laughing]

Oh boy, we'll build ourselves a harem here.

Listen Doctor, when Huber drops in for a piece of ass,

we'll grease up the goat, he'll never know the difference!

Believe me, I'm so thankful, meine herren...

You have saved me from the hands of those unscrupulous people.

Are you sure you locked up the suspects?

You bet your sweet ass.

We've got to get out and get the formula back

or the company will have us cleaning toilets again!

- Uh-huh. - Can't wait to blow this hick town.

Yeah, that's all right with me.

I'd like to get out of this sewer and back to Berlin.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

Think of something, Super Dick.

I've done everything I can possibly think of to do, you smarty.

You got any good ideas? Go and try 'em out.

Aw, you poor little boy.

Watch this and see what a woman can do.

What are you gonna do, give a little head?

[knocking] Lois! Hey, Lois!

I have something to give you.

If you let me out of here I'll give you a hand job.

[Lois] Be still and shut your big mouth.

Ha ha... I guess you didn't make a very good impression on him,

hot pants.

Kiss my ass.

You women think your bodies can get you anything, ha!

I hope in the next war the Americans have you Italians.

What are you talking about?

I do all of the work and you foul it up.

You haven't got me a piece of ass yet, have you?

Hey there! Hello, handsome.

Please, help me, I'm locked up here.

That is the one I want.

What did I tell you?

I have solved the problem, I did it, watch me.

Buongiorno, signorina!

I'm locked in here, could you get me out?

I'd be sweet to you both.

You bet your life I can do it, signorina.

Come on.

Come.

A-lay-oop!

Up we go.

A little higher.

[Sally] Do you happen to have a hacksaw with you?

- No. - How come?

Then rip the bars out.

[Tino grunting]

You don't seem to be strong enough to do it.

[in Italian] Not me, but my friend does, eh?

[grunting]

Listen Emil, it's now your turn.

Well, I've done everything I can do.

Listen to me, get up on my shoulders,

I'll lift you up.

[Emil] Yeah, sure.

[grunting]

Hurry, I'll get a hernia.

[whimsical music]

- [grunting] - [bars creaking]

Oh, my hero!

I'm Emil, what's your name?

- Sally. - [Emil] Easy does it...

Be careful Sally, there we go.

[Sally] Oh!

Ah, thank you so much.

- [Emil] You're welcome, Sally. - [Sally] Here's a kiss for you.

But... [cursing in Italian]

- What is this? An escalator? - Bye bye!

Come on!

[Tino grunting]

She's certainly ungrateful.

Yeah, maybe she wasn't the right girl after all.

[upbeat music]

♪ She's got the sweetest fanny in town ♪

♪ Her bottom is sheer perfection ♪

♪ Even the bull can't keep it down ♪

- Hi Lois, what you doing? - Go away and leave me alone.

♪ She goes ruck, ruck, ruck and a chuck-a-luck ♪

♪ She drives them crazy grinding... ♪

- You don't love me anymore. - I told you to let me alone.

We're finished.

Aw, come on, Lois, show it to me.

- Come on. That's not very nice. - Is it still there?

We're finished.

Uh-huh.

♪ She's got the sweetest fanny in town ♪

A pity.

♪ All the Dickies and Peters start jumping... ♪

[Lois] Claudia!

[Claudia] What do you want?

- What an ass. - [Claudia] Well, Lois?

You're not really leaving?

I've only been warming up the oven for you, my dear.

- How 'bout it? - That's different.

[Claudia] Come and get it!

[both laughing]

You weren't kidding, you're really ready!

[Claudia] I just loves hot sausages!

Someone told me

in people don't pay their garbage bill in Poland...

then they don't get any!

[laughing]

And also all their dogs get flat heads

from chasing parked cars! [laughing]

I feel sick, meine herren. I'm going to throw up.

Excuse me.

Just don't do it on me.

I think I'll go check on the spies.

Boy I'll be a millionaire.

You? Me!

You? We're all in!

Let me tell you...

I got a secret.

Don't tell me that nonsense.

I'm Polish, and I'll remember this, Doc.

[Claudia] Give it to me, harder.

[moaning] More sausage. Now you're...

Please excuse me.

[Claudia] Faster Lois, sock it to me.

What's this? With Claudia?

Lois!

Aw Xaver, we're only playing Doctor.

Lois!

- Shame! - Don't yell at me.

Shameless floozy.

While you're doing that, the spies could be getting out of here!

They have escaped!

While you two were fornicating,

the spies have gotten out and you didn't even look!

I'm holding you responsible!

I had 'em locked up there.

Yeah, that instrument of the devil there,

that's the cause of the whole thing.

- I'm gonna smash it! - [loud boing]

Smashed! Now, what do you think of that?

Heh, it was yours.

Mine? Don't get fresh with the law.

Go inside, go!

You too! Come on, let's go!

Move it, move it, move it! Show some respect for the law.

Nobody has any respect for the law around here.

I might as well give the alarm.

Hurry baby, the sausage isn't cooked yet.

I hope the oven's still warm.

Xaver's so dumb, it took him five minutes

to figure out what we were doing.

[both chuckle]

[Claudia] Honey, tell me something.

[Lois] Anything baby.

[Claudia] Do you always screw with your socks on?

[all cheering]

[Doc] Bottoms up!

[cheerful traditional music]

Bottoms up!

Hey! Xaver just told me the prisoners have escaped.

So? Come on, let me see.

- The Professor's in danger! - Oh my god, the formula!

He shouldn't be alone, we gotta protect him.

Hey, wait for me!

Oh fellas, wait! The act hasn't even started yet!

Forget about them sweetheart, let's ball.

- [laughing] - Why not?

[both laughing]

When am I gonna get laid?

Everybody in this movie screws everyone else except me.

Just be patient. You'll get yours, too.

I'm running out of time, we're in the eighth reel already.

Ah, you'll get a shot at it.

There, there she is.

[romantic music]

You wait here and I'll be right back.

[whimsical music]

[feet tapping]

- [speaking Italian] - Oh no, no, no! I don't want to!

Leave me alone, you nasty little midget!

[Tino] Let me feel your Bavarian bush.

- [Blonde girl] How's this. - Oh, mamma mia!

[Tino choking]

[romantic music]

Mm-hmm...

[coughing]

What is all this bullshit?

It's bullshit!

It really is!

[liquid bubbling]

It needs a little something more.

Do you happen to have some pepper?

Pepper?

That's all it needs now, is pepper?

Nein, that's only for this.

Ow!

Watch the noise, stupid.

What do you think they're doing out there?

They're guarding the drug store, jackass.

Gosh! Then the Professor must be in there.

Wait, there's nobody guarding the back door.

Doc, you go around the rear, quick!

Okay, chief.

Yes, you go!

I'm in charge here, don't you forget that.

Now we know where the Professor is hiding.

How do we get the formula?

I don't know.

I have to think.

[whimsical music]

[Heiner] I guess I know what that means.

I wish you could think on your feet like everybody else,

instead of on the flat of your back.

- Once more into the breech. - [breathing heavily] You said it.

[Professor] Ah yes, I thought of how to make

gasoline out of bullshit

when I worked for the Pentagon in Washington.

[dripping noise]

Well, I'll be a chimpanzee, it works!

Phew!

[chuckles]

It stinks in here, like a...

Like a refinery!

Yeah, we're almost finished actually.

It must boil a little longer.

Ah.

And then, of course, we must add a few more ingredients.

Isn't this very expensive?

I found that the path to riches

often requires that the seeker invest a little bit of money.

Yeah, of course, that's right.

And what'll we call it? It has to have a name.

Oh? "Horseshit regular."

Heh, heh, heh. There is also Horseshit--

- [Sandler] Oopa! - Don't touch that!

- Stupid! - Woah, woah, woah...

Hey Professor, I promise,

I promise, I'll never do it again!

[Heiner grunts] I'm tired.

Have you got an idea yet?

Oh, it's almost come.

[moaning]

[chickens clucking]

Oh...

- I've got a big idea. - [Heiner] Thank god.

[suspenseful music]

Halt! Where do you think you're going?

The Professor ordered some eggs.

Eggs, now he wants eggs?

Blegh!

Fresh eggs.

Mother, come, you can go in.

[Sally] Thank you.

[dripping noise]

Now that I'm a millionaire, I'm gonna buy a Cadillac.

It smells like money. Ha, ha!

Please, do you want to blow us all up?

Professor, I just wasn't thinking.

Pardon me, please, here are your eggs.

- Shh! Go away, lady! - Go lady, go!

I can't be bothered, wait over there, over there.

Amazing, the most plentiful thing in the world is bullshit

and we make it into gas! Isn't it marvelous?

Professor Schweinstein!

It just takes a little of this pure, um...

uh, pure, uh...

Glyphin! Gryphon!

Right, then runs it through kind of, uh, glass.

A refinery.

Menagerie.

The bullshit then makes pure gasoline.

[Sally] You crazy old farts! You're burning the formula!

The, the, the formula!

The formula, you stupid bastard!

There goes our millions!

No need to panic, meine herren. We're not defeated yet.

Und hier, meine herren, we have the first half liter of...

Super odor-line!

With this sample I can reconstruct the formula

any time I want.

- [Sandler] Bravo! - Thank you, thank you.

Oh, the bottle, catch her!

Where the hell do you think you're going? Come back here!

She's escaping!

- She's the spy. Catch her! - She's getting away, hold my muffler!

Here, here! Take this to the cleaners.

[upbeat music]

[Professor] Which way did she go?

- [Sandler] We've got to catch her! - [Pharmacist] I don't know!

- [Sally] The spies went that-a-way! - Come on, hurry!

[Professor] This is a catastrophe!

I think she went this way.

- Hey! - I'll go get Doc!

Wait a minute, that looked like the spy to me! Let's go!

Boy, when I catch her, I'm gonna break her god damn neck.

There you are!

Ah! Ah, good.

We'll head her off at the pass. Vámonos!

[Xaver] Huber, follow me!

Wait, which cleaners did you want me to take this to?

[panting]

Super Dick...

I'm afraid the formula's been completely destroyed.

You'll find in front of the drug store, a bottle.

It's a sample of the gasoline,

I'll meet you at the car, ten four.

Aha! Halt!

You stay there or I'll shoot!

[farting loudly]

Oh my god, what happened? I think I shit in my pants.

How am I gonna explain this to my wife?

[giggling and moaning]

[Claudia] Oh, Lois, what a sensuous mouth you have.

[Lois] The better to eat you with, my dear.

[Claudia] Oh, Lois, what a big screwdriver you have!

[Lois] The better to screw you with, my dear!

Oh, excuse me...

is there another way out?

Oh, thank you.

[Claudia] Oh Lois, give me more.

[moaning loudly]

[moaning intensifies]

Sounds like feeding time at the zoo.

- Good morning, uncle. - Lois, knock it off.

All you two do is hump!

[suspenseful music]

[all yelling]

[Doc] We'll make sure your balls are in a sling, thief!

Come back, you mother-grabbing formula thief!

[Pharmacist] The cleaners was closed!

I saw this one on television. Stand aside,

you've gotta be sure that the rope is low to the ground,

that's important.

Oh, I see, that's very clear, and then what?

When the spies come you pull it.

[screaming]

[Professor cursing in German]

Jesus, Sandler, what stinks?

[Professor] That's my odor-line!

[Professor] Why don't you try the Chinese laundry?

I've got it.

Good, let's get to the car, make it quick!

Goddamn it, here come the fuzz! We've gotta hide!

The boat!

- We missed them, it's your fault again. - Well, what do you propose?

Hmm, that's too much, a boat with legs.

The espionagers.

Hey, you! Come back here or I'll shoot!

Come, amore. Subito. I want to feel your Bavarian bush.

But you don't need a girl anymore for your friend.

Is not for him, it's for me!

Oh, it's for you? That's something else then.

Let's go scopare!

I've heard you Italians are mad, passionate lovers.

This is my gas per scopare!

I don't know how to scopare!

It's easy, I'll show you, cara mia.

Get in and take off you pants.

[Girl] With your crude manners, you must get slapped a lot!

[Tino] Si, but I also get scopare-d a lot.

[suspenseful music]

Here, take it.

- [Sandler] Here they come, stop 'em! - [Xaver] That car's under arrest!

[Huber] We've got 'em now, they're trapped!

[Professor] Xaver, you're the law, do something!

[Tino yelling in Italian]

- [all yelling] - [tires screeching]

Stop, stop, I said!

There goes our millions.

The rotten bastards.

We lost our millions.

Maybe it's all for the good.

I've always liked the village the way it is anyway.

All that money would cause a lot of trouble here.

Who cares!

This means I'm going to have to go out

and filter the formula again.

It's concentrated, which means that it's highly explosive.

Shit, goddamn it!

And to think we came so close! We almost had a million!

[Heiner] Super Dick and Agent 69 to Mission Control.

Microfilm has been destroyed,

returning with synthetic sample of gasoline.

Our secret is safe from competing oil companies.

Returning for bonus, ten four.

[explosion booming]

[both coughing]

And what do we do next?

Well let's see, I guess it's time for me to do a lot of thinking.

Gee whiz now.

Why not? There's nothing else to do anymore.

Leaping lizards, Sally! Wasn't that a big enough bang for you?

[Sally giggling]

[Heiner] Oh well, here we go again.