Original subtitles

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

dental school with this guy?

She just came into a surgery. He said, yes.

What can I do?

She looked him straight in the eye and said, me doctor in this chair.

And what did he say?

He said, it's Mr.

actually, madam.

Dentists are surgeons and I only do fillings of the surgical kind.

Oh, what a prat.

Well, you've got to be careful. You can be struck off for having sex with a

patient. Oh, so you've never been tempted.

What's this?

We did it once. I knew it. In the chair.

Before we were married, of course.

It was all right until she put a stiletto through my lap.

You see, you live out the fantasy, Nick. Then it's out your system. I don't go

around obsessed by sex like you.

Like me?

Isn't it funny? Because all we talk about when they're around... All talk

action, if you ask me.

Tell me about it.

Don't rise to it, Nick.

No, Nick. Save it for later.

You're not going to read that all night, are you?

No.

Not late at night.

What was that Laura said?

We'll talk.

Sorry, love, I'm just knackered.

You'll be the first to complain if I fall asleep at the reception.

Love you.

He doesn't even want to see when he's drunk.

There's no one else, is there?

I don't think so.

Maybe I'm losing my looks.

Don't be ridiculous.

You have to make the best of yourself, though.

You mean I don't?

I mean, we all have to do after seven years of marriage.

Six?

You, um, help him on his way, don't you?

How do you mean?

Well, you know.

Stockings, suspenders.

Oh, come on.

They love all that.

They either want you for what you are or they don't in my book. How can a few

straps make a difference?

You'd be surprised.

Good job I'm not trying to impress you.

You've done this before.

No, I'm just helping my wife.

Then I am impressed.

I like to see a couple with, um, shared interests.

Everything okay?

Very much so.

Sorry.

Oh, don't be.

Clyde Bevan.

You were chatting to my wife, Pam.

If ever you want to get in touch with us.

Who's that?

Just a guy I met.

Property developer.

Could come in useful.

How much rest do you have prepared to bid? 600 for all five sides.

Let's take him 120 less.

Oh, well.

Should keep him in fishing rods through his retirement.

So how many acquisitions have you done now? Four.

That's right.

You're making a new apartment if you're not careful.

Keep it up.

Oh, Michelle, let me get that.

Would you like some help?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

What you've always wanted.

Partnership.

Yeah. How do you fancy you move to London?

Maybe.

Be able to get that NG as well.

I thought maybe something like this for the blinds

and then this.

for the sofa, and then paint the walls something pastel -y, say pale grey.

What do you think?

What?

Fabrics. Oh, yeah, they look good.

And the walls?

What about them?

Maybe I should talk to them instead.

I said we should paint them a pastel shade, like grey.

Right, yeah.

Why not?

Or peach?

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. It'll be great. Let's do that.

Well, what would you do?

I've said, let's do it.

You're the one with the taste around here, anyway.

I'm sure Mummy will adore it.

Well, a flowered wallpaper, if you like, with China ducks flying across.

No, no.

You started it. The humble background was part of the attraction once, if I

remember.

Anyway, why shouldn't I have a car?

I deserve it. What are you talking about?

Just now you pulled a face.

I've worked to get what I am.

Can we please be grown up for five minutes and decide about this room?

It's been like this for nearly a year. It's driving me crazy.

I don't know why you ask my opinion.

Don't you care how we live?

You only do what you want in the end, why bother?

What?

Our survey shows the average married couple in the UK has sex three times a

week. Does it say who with?

There must be some truth in it.

I don't believe these surveys. Nobody's going to own up to not doing it, are

they? Especially men.

What about us?

Are we going to own up to not doing it?

We do it.

Want the blue moon?

More than that.

OK.

When was the last time?

Well, I don't know. I don't keep a record.

It was after Molly's engagement party.

Two months ago.

But we've been busy.

No busier than when we first married.

And my father's been ill, in case you've forgotten.

Don't you fancy me anymore?

Of course I do.

Then why?

It doesn't mean I don't fancy you just because we're not bonking every five

minutes. It happens to all couples.

What, you mean they get fed up of each other?

I'm not fed up of you.

I'm not fed up of you.

Is it because you don't want children?

No. Then why?

I just feel you never really enjoy it.

You just do it to please me.

What do you want me to do? Chase you around the house with a whip?

Of course I enjoy it.

Do you fancy other women?

No.

So this is what we've got to look forward to.

Sex every two months for the next 30 years.

You go through phases, don't you?

Like the moon.

As long as it's not a total eclipse.

I might have to find someone else if it is.

This gets so routine.

Same person day in, day out.

Don't you find that? Yeah, well, how about dry spells?

All marriages do.

Is she feeling the same?

She said the other night she might look for someone else.

What? Well, I mean, she was only joking, but...

You tell her what you want in bed.

I can never talk to her about sex. She's too prim, like her mother.

You know, her dad has a fancy woman. Really?

Goes to London once a month to watch chess.

Mother just winks at it.

I'd never go that far.

No.

Sheffield, maybe, or York.

So what does this bit do?

It should go round.

This is the man who doesn't want children.

Other people's children are fine.

You're going to get the easy bits done.

You'll be all right now.

Brilliant. I'll show you how. OK.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah, bye.

Bye. Bye.

He's doing the windows in the bathroom.

Is he?

He's very nice.

Hmm. Well, same men have a one -track mind. You can't beat them.

Try that. Oh, great!

Turns your life upside down, doesn't it, having kids?

Oh, yeah.

We were quite happy before. We're complete psychos now.

Why? Are you getting brooded?

Oh, Nick's not keen.

Well, men never are.

Too much like kids themselves.

I think that's our cue for a pint. Yeah.

Bloody hell, is this for real? I don't know. The bloke at work gave me it.

Was this VWE, man?

Very well endowed.

There's a glossary on the front.

Oh, Christ, look at him. We're going to shag it up.

This is quite tasty.

I can't believe women would do it.

Men, yeah, we'd screw anything in a pinch, but women?

Sex has to mean something, doesn't it?

You're thinking of trying it?

Come on.

Just think, though.

If it does go on, chances are somebody in here is doing it.

Do you like their new bathroom?

Yeah, I did actually.

Did you?

I wasn't sure at first, but... Yeah.

Red. Maybe we should do something like that.

Bolder.

It's quite sensuous.

Red.

He never said you were wearing lace.

It was spicy.

Did you have the long one that guy came in?

He'll fix the windows.

Did he see?

I bet you went up there, didn't you?

While I wasn't looking.

I

bet

you went up there and distracted him, didn't you?

While he was getting on with his work.

You stood over him, didn't you?

And you were stuck.

choice did he have then.

He just had to push you up against

a wall and help his way.

And you didn't even know who he was.

He couldn't be anybody.

Just someone who gave you what you wanted while

I was downstairs.

A complete stranger.

So,

you

said if I ever wanted a chance...

river -side conversions you had in mind.

Making money's my second love.

I'd be very happy to talk about that.

And what's the first?

My wife, of course.

She's very attractive.

She thought the same about you.

Don't you have a problem with that?

Why should I?

So it's like an open marriage.

That's lovely, thank you.

Enjoy.

Why is one partner not enough for you?

Well, you tell me, Nick. You've asked me here.

How did you get into it?

We decided we fancied it.

Went to a club, swapped with a couple there.

Never looked back.

Easy as that?

No.

Your marriage has to be rock solid.

You both have to want it.

You have to be open with each other. No affairs behind the other's back.

Avoid doing it with friends.

But provided all that's in place, it can freshen up a marriage no end.

Well, it's not natural when you think of it.

Monogamy. One person for the rest of your life.

No wonder people break up.

But that's the beauty of swinging.

You satisfy the need to be polygamous without destroying your marriage.

Doesn't it dehumanize you?

if anything, is maybe more human.

It's a release valve for all that sexual energy, so you can get on with your

life.

I never wanted kids, for example.

Thought they'd make me feel trapped.

Well, I do too now.

I'm very happy.

We both are.

There, that should hold now.

It's all those puddings you eat.

You've got to have some pleasure in life.

Thank you.

Everything else okay?

Yeah. Why? Do I look... No, I just thought you seemed a bit down.

Well, I've been busy at work.

Laura must have told you. Sure.

Well, as long as you don't overdo it.

I won't.

So this is where you get your ideas?

I was curious.

You don't think I'm doing it, do you? Am I not enough for you? I'm not doing it!

That's not what I asked.

You know what wife -talking's about, don't you?

No, go on, enlighten me.

It's about men getting their ends away and the wives going through with it to

keep the marriage together.

Well, perhaps I should watch Chet instead.

Anyhow, I heard different.

Oh, yes?

From a man, by any chance? From a happily married man, as it happens.

you meet him? Through this?

At that wedding.

Not that property developer.

Yeah. Well, I noticed it was him doing the talking, not his wife. No, because

she was over the other side of the room picking someone up.

Look, sooner or later, all marriages go off the boil, especially in bed.

And what do you want to do? Have affairs behind each other's backs and end up in

the divorce court?

Or have affairs together and still end up there?

It turned you on?

Fantasy, yes.

I can't believe this.

I'm trying to bring us closer together and all you can think of is going off on

some bloody great orgy. This guy's got kids.

Oh, big deal.

What do they do when mum and dad are entertaining?

Screw each other? If you'll listen. No, I'm sorry, Nick.

If this is your idea of marriage therapy, you've picked the wrong woman.

Evening. Hi.

Have you been before?

No.

And if you could just pop me an email address down there, mate.

Fancy a drink, Jim?

No. Yeah.

You get your first two free and then it's 50p a go.

But don't make any money on it. It goes to charity.

I'll have a beer.

Now, if you want to go in sauna or fun rooms, you have to get undressed.

It's out in the corner.

Change rooms down the corridor.

Put your valuables in one of these envelopes. Put your name on it and give

me or Zoe.

This is me wife, Zoe. We're running together.

This is Jim. Hi, love. You all right?

Sorry.

Pass me my fags, darling.

So,

have a good evening, Jim.

Hey, what have you been doing through there?

I thought we were going to get flashed there.

How can I when I've got my knickers on?

Take them off.

You should be the lucky.

Well, it's picking up now.

One ring.

It'll only be a single. Could be a woman.

Like the fuck it could.

Dave. Good evening.

You're wasting your time stripping off.

It's dead tonight.

It'll warm up now, I'm here.

Right on.

Did you go to a match?

I should have stayed at home and fucked wife.

Now, come on. They're not that bad.

There you are. It's a couple.

Bloody hell.

Only us?

We thought it was a couple. Well, it is. A couple of men.

It's not gay night, is it?

Might as well be.

Want a beer?

Beer. Two beers, please, Jerry.

Hey, I rang you the other night. Where were you?

Oh, Shaggin'. Anybody we know?

That's for me to know and you to find out, isn't it?

Did Jerry show you round?

Um, well, he gave me an idea, yes. Do you fancy a fun room?

Uh, no. Sure.

I'll show you where to get changed, in case you decide.

Take yourself a towel, love.

With the men's.

Men's and women's. We're all very friendly here, aren't we, Dave?

Does that mean you're offering?

In your dreams.

You get some crew buggers in some nights.

I'll be in bar.

Dead tonight, isn't it?

Yeah.

I went carousel overnight.

You know, over in Bradford.

That got going.

Yeah? I went jacuzzi with a bird.

Blonde, about 40.

We got talking.

So I put my foot against hers.

She didn't move it.

So I put my hand on her knee.

She started caressing me thigh.

I said, shall we go down corridor?

She said, okay.

And that were it.

I'll give it a go.

Where did you go?

I just... Drove around.

For four hours.

Where are you going?

Alison?

Bad luck.

We don't seem to want the same things anymore.

We've been talking about splitting up.

What?

I thought you two were really happy.

So does everyone.

It's just a front these days.

I know you mentioned the set, but... That's what a lot of it's about.

You're still not interested?

No, he's interested again.

I took your advice.

Oh, well, that's good. There is more to a relationship than sex. Look at you and

Rob.

Sure, but if things were really bad, he wouldn't even be doing that.

As long as you both enjoy it.

You are enjoying it.

Yeah. And you don't feel bad about that.

No, I don't feel bad.

And he's not beating you up or anything.

Or having an affair.

It's nothing like that.

Then what's the problem?

Sometimes I feel like I don't really know him.

It doesn't sound like grounds for divorce for me.

Avoid that one if you can.

Took my parents forever to get over theirs.

You want my advice?

If the sex is good, go with it.

That'll see you through any bad patch you might be having.

You don't get a mixed thought. No wonder it's put you off.

When you watch football, you go on the stand, not the terraces.

So where do you go?

Well, there's a club in London you could try.

It's quite good for first -timers.

London? There's a lot of travelling with this particular pastime.

And you go with your wife, but not at all.

Do you go to this place?

Oh, we're off the club scene now.

We have our own little circuit.

No anoraks there.

How much you get into that?

Let's just pass our driving test first, shall we?

Before we let ourselves loose in the Maseratis.

You've got to persuade your other half yet.

I've got to persuade myself, yeah.

What exactly did that guy say?

The property developer.

He said that it made him feel less trapped.

Got something out of his system.

Is that how you feel?

Trapped?

Sometimes, yeah.

Don't you?

It'd be good to have a release valve sometimes.

It brought them closer together.

Oh, yeah. That's what I was trying to tell you. He never wanted kids before.

Doing this changed him.

So do you think it could help us?

Cross my mind, yeah.

Why, what are you saying?

The wife's just come into the room.

She wants to know what's going on.

Is she cross?

She is at first.

But she's curious.

I walk over.

I stroke her thigh.

You like it.

Oh, yes.

She pulls me closer.

What do you do?

I move my hand inside her skirt.

But it's you I'm looking at.

It's only your body, isn't it?

Yeah. It's not your soul or anything.

And if you think about it, we both slept with people before we met.

You did?

You did, too. Not as much as you.

I only had two proper boyfriends before.

Anyway, we're married now.

Yeah, but we wouldn't be cheating on each other, would we?

But wouldn't we get jealous?

It must break couples up, surely.

We're stronger than that, aren't we?

Laura? Hi.

Is it okay if I come round?

And talk?

What happened?

Katie fell off her bike. I'm taking her to the hospital.

Where are we going?

We're going to the hospital. Just get in. I want to go.

I want to fit in.

Get in the car.

Darling, I'm driving.

You hold on to Auntie Alison, okay?

Thank God you came.

Yeah.

Enjoy the children.

So what are we going to do?

I'd quite like to try, but only if you do.

Do you want to?

I'm not sure.

Well, you need to be.

We both would.

The fantasy turns us on. Yeah.

Then why do it? Why not just stick to fantasy?

Well, we could, yeah.

Reality could be even better, though.

Aren't you curious to see what it's really like?

Yeah.

I suppose doing it now makes sense.

Why we've only each other to think of.

This is what people do, apparently. They go on for months.

Shall we? Shall we? I don't want to feel I'm being pushed into it.

Then we'll forget it. Where's that card he gave me? Throw it out. No, don't.

Why don't you give them a ring?

Get some more information.

Be a laugh.

Hello, is that the New Rules Club?

I'd like some information, please.

About your activity.

Yorkshire.

Uh -huh.

I see.

No, it's more just a general inquiry at the moment.

No, I'll call you back. Thanks very much. Bye.

Oh,

what did they say? It was a woman. She got 5 ,000 members. God, or had.

5 ,000?

There's a do every month in London. How does she sound?

Completely normal, like it was a car boot sale.

They ring you the day before to tell you the venue. They're not ringing here.

I'll give a false name. Ask her to send some bump.

Still doesn't commit us.

Looks quite civilised. I should hope so.

£50 membership and £20 on the door.

And there's one on Saturday week.

We could go take a look.

Well, we wouldn't have to do anything.

We wouldn't have to go in. We could just watch people arrive from over the road.

See what they're like and then go.

It'd be a dirty weekend in itself.

You sure?

I don't want you saying I pushed you into it, are you?

No. Let's do it.

How are things with Nick?

Improving.

Good.

We were thinking you were going away for a weekend.

Wondered if you fancied it.

Yeah. When?

Friday week.

Oh, we're going away ourselves that weekend.

Oh, where?

Norfolk. Oh.

Well, we were thinking of London, but it's not definite.

The thing is, we're taking Mick's dad, so... Oh, I see.

Never mind.

London? We're in London. I didn't ask.

God, imagine meeting them.

They could be at the New Rules Club.

Your dad could be there with his chess set.

It's nerdy, isn't it?

You've not told Molly where we're going, have you? Oh, sure.

Goodbye, flat.

We'll be back on Sunday.

It'll be the same, won't it?

And how would you be paying, Mr Hogarth?

Er, cash.

That's fine. But we would ask you to settle your room account now, if that's

right.

Sure, sure.

Oh, and there's a message for you.

I don't believe it.

What?

The Waverley Hotel, Bedford Place.

What about it?

I had a girlfriend at school. She came to London on a school trip.

She stayed here.

I used to send her love letters.

You?

So that's what it looks like.

You never mentioned that girl before.

From school.

What was her name?

Karen. Karen Davis.

What happened to her?

Don't know. Not thought about her in ages.

Were you madly in love?

Oh, yeah.

Well, you are at 17.

We were going to get married.

Really?

What did we know?

I couldn't go on the trip because my parents didn't have the money.

So we promised we'd write each day.

It was all okay to start with. She sent me these ten -page letters saying how

she missed me.

crying herself to sleep and all that.

Then one day I didn't get one.

And when the next one came, she was saying the same things, but...

When she came home, I went to meet her at Wakefield Bus Station, the big

reunion we'd been dreaming of.

And it wasn't the same.

She was, like, distant.

Then I saw this guy get off the bus.

John Sewell. He gave me this really shifty look and went off with his

and their big BMW.

And of course I found out later that got off.

So, she was the big love of your life.

Yeah.

Sad old world, isn't it?

We'd better work out an alibi.

I mean, if we do go in, what jobs will we do and everything?

No point lying.

If you say you're a brain surgeon, the first person you meet will be a brain

surgeon.

We need a code as well.

For what?

Well, just in case we do meet someone we like.

Scratch your ear or something.

Or we could ask for our least favorite drink.

So I ask for whiskey.

And I'll ask for cider.

No, Nick, I don't want to. What?

We might as well go in now we're here.

We've said we don't have to do anything.

Then why don't we spend this evening working out codes?

That was just in case.

What if one of us wants to and the other doesn't?

If you don't want to do anything, then we forget it.

What if it's the other way around?

Nick, I'm scared.

Don't we go in see what it's like then if either of us wants to back out any

time for any reason we both do Okay

Thank you very much. That will be 40 bucks.

Would you like to sign here?

Not exactly excellent tapes, is it?

Maybe they're liturgies.

I saw a guy in a place.

I saw you in a place.

Might if we join you?

Please.

Come far?

York. Oh, right, I know it. I stay there sometimes.

George Hotel.

Right. It's much better now they've done it up. Yeah.

The food's gettable as well, at last.

Yeah, well, that's right.

They took outside advice on their catering. Well, they needed to.

So, what are you doing?

I'm an accountant.

You? Print buyer.

So, I do a lot of travelling.

Hotel trade by any chance?

No. No, I'm a teacher. Oh, I'm a teacher.

What level?

Sixth form college.

Oh, I'm primary.

What do you teach?

Careers. Oh, well, that must be easy.

There are no jobs for them to go to, is there?

So,

what do you think to this new pay ride that they're offering?

Oh, don't start talking shop. I mean... Sorry, I don't know your name.

Jim.

And... Ruth. Ruth.

Andy and Val. Val. Me and Jim will start talking football.

I don't follow it, I'm afraid.

Join the club.

So, what are you into, then?

I play a bit of squash.

No, I mean, what are you into?

It's our first time.

I'm just curious, really.

We thought you were knocking back the booze.

That's how we started.

Soon get the hang of it.

What are you into?

Groups, three, bit of bondage.

Nothing heavy with the bondage. No. It's just a bit of sauce on the steak.

You need somebody you feel happy with the first time, yeah?

Shall I get another bottle or do you want a whiskey?

I want the fucking Louvre.

Dragged me all the way down here, been drinking beer all night. What do they

think we're coming for?

Swap all my jam recipes?

Cos I've only got a couple of shags in them. Someone told us back so we don't

get more than them.

We could have a couple full of them.

Ta -da!

You jammy beggar, where'd you get them?

Down the basement.

It's all out there. Is there a table down there? Yeah.

Nice, big one.

I'm off to put a shine on it.

What about legs?

Fuck legs.

I'm Graham.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

They're wondering where to go for their honeymoon.

You're swinging before you're even married. Yeah, well, that's how we met.

We don't want to give it up, do we? Yeah.

You get bored with the same person.

Do you want a dance?

I think I'll sit this one out. Thanks.

Fair enough.

Cheers.

It's worth in the basement, apparently.

Do you want to leave?

Oh, I go now.

Might meet Karen Davis down there.

You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?

I'm off to the box.

Can we join you?

So don't forget it.

It's just a silly face.

First -timer.

Did you want to leave?

You dragged me into this. I did not ask you time and time again if you were

sure. You knew what was going to happen.

What have you done to me, Nick?

I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it.

So why leave?

Couldn't handle admitting it.

I mean, we're not supposed to want it like that, are they?

You weren't jealous.

Why should I be?

I was only doing what you were.

It was the same for both of us, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, I suppose.

I think that was part of the turn -on.

At least it's got us talking about our feelings again.

It just seems wrong.

But why?

Where's the home?

We both enjoyed it. We're not cheating on each other. We're only doing what

people want to, but damned.

Oh, God, if my mother could hear us.

It'll be our secret.

No one will ever know.

So what would we do?

Well, if we tried it for a fixed time, say, two or three months,

and then look at where we are?

We could always stop before that if he didn't like it.

Absolutely.

We look after each other's feelings, Nick.

Of course.

I looked at them.

Do you know why?

If you, if you, if you take it so long.

How long were you married?

52 years.

You never had a fling with anyone else?

Like who?

You went to the golf club. There must have been women there.

All the chaps' wives there were.

Took a shine to me and all.

Some on them.

But you didn't... I was never unfaithful to your mother.

Do you ever wish you had been?

How would you have felt then if you'd found out?

No.

We put up with each other, and that was it.

My wife, Ruth.

Clive. Ruth.

Delighted to meet you. So glad you could come.

Right. Let me get you both a drink. What would you like?

Red wine, please. Yeah, red wine would be great.

Right, you are.

Probably find my boss here.

Still going on about the minimum wage.

I'm going to have to lay people off.

They've got rid of the hard left, but they've no idea how to run a business.

God knows what planet they're living on.

We meet again.

I've no champagne to offer you this time, sorry.

You don't think that's what I wanted, do you?

What? Tonight?

At the wedding.

Oh, good.

You've found each other.

I've waited a long time for this.

Getting our second wind?

I knew you were the type the last time I saw you.

Is that how you see people?

Those who do and those who don't?

We just said goodbye to a couple of old friends.

Gone abroad because of his job.

I weren't expecting to fill the void this soon, though.

How did you find Pam?

Ah, the beautiful Ruth.

Lovely hands.

Clive, can I have a word?

hard. I don't want you to go with him.

Why? He's trying to take us over.

What? I just don't want you to go with him, okay?

It's okay for you to go with his wife, though.

Ruth, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

Is he all right?

Better than me?

Exactly.

Was he better than me?

No.

If you mind me doing it, you should say.

I don't mind.

Yes, you do.

I think we should give it a rest.

It's been nearly three months, so... What if I don't want to give it a rest?

We said we'd take care of each other's feelings.

Why am I always doing things for you?

I did this in the first place for you.

Now you want to stop because it's not what you thought.

Why should I give it up? Because we've our marriage to think of.

You want to go back to that, do you?

Sex every two months.

If we're lucky.

It wouldn't be like that now.

Why wouldn't it?

I mean, how have you changed?

How do I know if we stopped it would be any different?

Maybe we should go to Stratford for a weekend.

Go to the theatre.

You don't like the theatre.

Well, whatever.

We need to talk.

It's got to stop.

It's got out of control.

It was meant to bring us closer. It's just driving us apart.

If we stopped...

Sure.

It was an experiment.

It brought things into the open and showed us what was wrong.

So we'll be closer now.

Like a normal couple.

Absolutely.

And plan for the future.

Yeah.

start talking about?

What?

Starting a family. You won't switch off.

Well, that's a bit of a leap.

We need to take stock, wouldn't we, first?

Do you love me, Nick?

Of course I do.

Do you love me like you love Karen Davis?

That was different.

Yeah. I suppose it was.

So where did you go in Norfolk?

Ah, well, I just drove around.

Well, on the coat, you know.

We should go away more often, really.

What's stopping you?

Work. Getting it together.

You don't know you're born.

Well, no, not compared with you.

You can just pack a suitcase and go. You don't have two children to worry about.

Laura. Well, she doesn't.

Everyone's always going on about wanting kids.

They haven't a clue what it's like.

They're on your back all the time.

It'll be hard.

You know where we cancelled our weekend in London?

We thought Katie was brain damaged.

What? I didn't tell you because I didn't want to spoil your fun.

I don't think they want to hear this.

No, well, you wouldn't, would you?

You'd have gone away and left her.

Palmed her off on my mother. She was not brain damaged. What do you know? You

hardly ever notice them. Yes, I do. If there'd been anything wrong, I'd have

seen it. I'm a trained medic, for God's sake. You and your bloody career.

That's all you care about.

Don't ask.

I couldn't talk to anyone.

But she's all right.

There was nothing wrong with her.

It was just me panicking.

That's what it's like with kids.

You spend half your time in a rut, the other half going out of your mind.

And you get bored too, you know.

How do you get out of it?

How does any couple?

You okay?

Sorry.

I haven't drunk with much in ages.

Sounds like you needed it. Not for me, thanks. I'm driving.

Then stay over.

I mean, your mother's sleeping the night, isn't she?

I've got those shelves to put up tomorrow, don't forget, in Katie's room.

DIY, eh?

Half a glass.

What's so funny about DIY?

It's something rude, I can tell.

DIY.

Do it yourself.

It means masturbation.

Where did you pick that up?

From our hobby.

It's not what I think, is it?

What?

We swing.

Have sex with other couples.

You?

You shocked?

How long has this been going on? A couple of months.

What made you do that?

It was Nick's idea.

He thought it would bring us closer together.

It's just a bit of fooling around, really.

I think we got it out of our systems now.

Where do you do it?

Parties? Clubs?

It's a real icebreaker when you tell people.

Do you tell people? No way.

You're the first to know. Why, do you think it's weird?

Well... What happened?

You know those snogging parties you used to go to when you were 15?

Like that. I think that's what they're trying to relive.

So, when you turn up... You have a drink, play a few games.

What, like strip poker?

Yeah, postman's knock, forfeit.

I haven't played that since I was at school.

Do you want to see a game?

No, I didn't mean... Well... Well, don't look

at me. I'm pissed.

Don't go away.

Is this a good idea?

Why not?

Now we each choose a colour. Laura.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Shake the dice.

Move your cat around the board. Take a card. Do what it says.

Nick, don't start.

Three.

Kiss the most attractive person in the room.

Excluding partners.

May I?

I think it's Laura you should ask, aren't you?

Is that the rule?

That's the rule.

Well, you'd better do it, then.

Come on, Nick.

You can do better than that.

Rob.

Three.

I'm farting three buttons on the first woman to your right.

No partners.

Well, don't say you've never wanted to.

Here it goes.

Laura. You don't have to do this. Don't be such a bore, Rob.

Remove an item of clothing next to your skin. Oh, that's not fair.

Just take a stocking off.

Two.

Kiss the man with the hairiest chest.

Is that okay, Laura?

I like his neck.

Is this happening?

Thank you.

You don't want coffee?

We're going to get off.

Right.

I'll see you at the gym.

Yeah.

Laura?

Wasn't even very good.

Was it for you?

So where now?

We can't just let it drift.

We're losing our friends, we'll lose each other next.

Is that what you want?

See you.

Look, I'll keep on ringing till you say yes.

What's going on before this?

I wanted to stop.

She didn't.

Well, that's classic.

Men and women are different, you know.

We're soon aroused and satisfied like yapping dogs.

Half a tin of power and it's all over.

They're more like sleeping dragons.

Slow to stir, but once they do... Is that what Pam's like?

I accept that she has knees I can't meet.

Well, we both get what we want in the end.

You've got an answer for everything.

It's all about appetite for you, isn't it? No.

I put my marriage first.

We both do.

That's why it's strong.

Is it?

I never said it was equal.

I said it was strong, and so it is.

Damn side's stronger than yours by the sound of it.

Just so long as she gets enough to eat, you mean.

You know, you give me the creeps.

In fact, I think this whole business stinks.

Yes, well, it's a bit late in the day to be getting moralistic, isn't it?

We don't force ourselves on anyone, that's another of the golden rules.

I should never have listened to you.

Excuse me, Nick, but that is exactly what you should have done.

Thanks for seeing me.

I know it's not easy.

I'm sorry, I'll go.

No, we need to talk, like you said.

Sit down.

I've ruined everything, haven't I?

What do you expect if you screw around like that? Laura. You can't do what we

did and then pretend it didn't happen.

It's like letting the genie out of the box. You can't put it back in. I'm

You didn't exactly put a gun to our heads. We went along with it.

No, but I started it.

You're going to have to put your marriage back together, aren't you?

Like we are.

That's the problem.

I'm not sure I want to.

Now you slept with Rob, you mean? I don't want Rob.

It's what he gave me I want. What are you talking about? It was a one -night

stand. That's not the point.

It wasn't the sex.

God knows I've been through enough of that in the last three months.

That's not the answer.

It was all the other things you did.

What other things?

Holding me.

Talking to me.

Making me feel wanted.

I'm sorry.

I just felt like I was with someone.

Instead of on my own.

For the first time in years.

That's why I was crying.

I know it was just one night, half a night, but... I got a glimmer of what I

missing.

What it could be like.

To be with someone who loved me for who I am.

And Nick's never given me anything like that.

I don't think he can.

What am I going to do?

You have to work out what you want.

Scratch me and him and there's nothing there.

Oh, come on, that's not fair. He really cares, whatever you say. But is it

enough?

I can't answer that for you.

I didn't want it to turn out like this. I really didn't.

I'm sorry.

Zoe.

You've not seen Alison, have you?

She was here earlier.

I've not seen her since.

Was she okay?

No. No, she wasn't. She was in a bad way.

Didn't she say where she was going?

No, she's not with you.

It's a QA, pal.

Wait, it's Ben.

You know what I was waiting for?

What are you doing?

What?

You're a married woman. Get off!

We don't have to see her. She's a married woman.

Get off! Christ!

Come on.

Let's have you out. Come on. See somebody's wife, for fuck's sake!

Where were you?

Doesn't matter.

Not really.

As long as you're back.

I'm only here to get my stuff.

I'm moving out.

What? I've taken a flat in Headingley. No, wait.

You can't give me what I want, Nick.

What do you want? A baby? I'll give you anything. I mean it.

I want love.

Care.

Commitment. I'll give you it.

You haven't got it in you.

Care for you is like seeing your dad.

You do your duty once a month. I see him more than that. It's almost a distance.

It's like you've been with me.

You're terrified of real care.

Giving it or taking it.

Oh, you've cared for me, have you?

With your job and your colour schemes and your tea parties for your mother.

I talk about, what, my work or my family or what I want, and you just sneer.

Then you wonder why I didn't want to make love to you.

Why didn't you say all this before?

Because of who I was, I couldn't.

I'm going to change now.

You've had months to change. No, but I will.

I'll do anything to keep you.

It doesn't work like that.

Swinging was meant to bring us closer together, remember?

And look what happened.

Because we did it all wrong.

All that stuff about us not having sex, that wasn't working because we weren't

working. We have to look at us.

I remember meeting you at Rob and Laura's wedding.

Making that speech.

You were so witty.

So alive.

They weren't going to be like my parents for their sordid little marriage and

their lies.

And then bit by bit, you just died on me.

I know you've tried hard, but it's never been enough.

I am sick of second best.

I've been offered a post in London.

A partnership?

No, but it's coming.

Why don't we go there together?

Put all this behind us.

Start again.

It's too much to throw away.

What difference is it here or London?

We're still the same people.

Well, what do you want?

You're just going to leave me?

I don't know.

Maybe I just need faith.

Let's do that, then.

You don't need to move out. I'll go to London.

We can spend a bit of time apart.

Three months, say, and then decide.

Three months?

Okay. At least then we'll be sure.

How's London?

Okay. You still see Laura?

Yeah.

We're doing all right.

So what have you decided?

I'm still not sure.

I've really missed you.

It's like our first date all over again.

Have you changed?

I feel like I have.

You tell me.

So you're ready for ten years of that?

Is that what you want?

Yeah.

And the rest of it.

Colour schemes, routine, getting on each other's nerves.

What did you say in that service?

Not to be entered in too lightly or unadvisedly.

For richer, for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

That's right.

Being there for each other even when you don't feel like it.

For better, for worse.

The romantic bits are easy. We both know it doesn't last.

Then maybe I haven't changed enough.

I've failed, haven't I?

We're just not right for each other.

Never were.

So it's not the end of the world?

Having kids when you didn't really want them would have been.

I wanted you to have a child.

I didn't want to lose you.

Still don't.

We can be friends now.

We've never really been that, have we?

You've not met anyone else?

Not been looking.

You?

One day.

I'm scared.

We'll be all right.

We haven't died these last few months on our own, have we?

We haven't gone to pieces.

Alison? You do look cosy.