Original subtitles

Sorry!

It's her ninth birthday. She's not getting hitched.

Dad, leave Ned alone!

Taya!

That is not kicking it away from the windows!

We thought Bub deserved a little pizzazz.

Pizzazz? Does a nine-year-old need a pizzazz?

A bloody three-tiered cake and canapes? It's a...

Taya!

- She's practising! - Sorry!

Don't worry about Dad. This looks perfect.

Nothing's going to stop us from having the best birthday ever.

Totally. Um, just so you know,

it's no biggie, but, uh,

Mum will be coming to the party.

Yeah, I just sort of mentioned it and, uh...

you know Mum, she took that as an invite.

Of course. Yeah, yeah.

Um, no, that's fine. She's family too.

- Mm-hm. - This is good. This is good.

This is... This is actually really great.

Um, I'm just going to...

Let's just make Taya's bed for her.

Oh, no, no, no. She's staying in a hotel.

She didn't want to put us out. Classic.

Oh, classic. She's just so classic.

I will greet her with some French champagne.

- Good idea. - Mmm.

Taya!

- Mum! - Oh, this heat!

Ah, so glad you could make it.

- Oh, darling, it's good to see you. - Oh, you too!

Amawu' s here, so make sure that you...

I get extra presents?

Her presence is the present. Remember that.

- Where's my present? - Oh, hello!

Aren't you a little bundle of energy?

Say thank you.

Oh, she should be careful with that, Lauren.

It was very expensive. It's designer.

Thanks, I guess.

Oh, I was hoping she'd put that on. It is a birthday dress.

I'll talk to her. Yeah.

- It's lovely. Thanks so much. - Nine-year-olds.

- You boys make sure you say happy birthday to Taya, alright? - Leroy!

Happy birthday, Taya!

Uncle, Uncle! Got my present?

Presents later, baby girl.

Hey, can you shove this in the kitchen for me?

Oh, my gosh, lollies! You know me so well.

Not today, Bub.

Uncle Ned spent the whole night cooking.

- Sure have. - This party already sucks!

What the hell? A girl can't have party food at her own party?

- Ix-nay on the ood-fay. - But I got all her favourite stuff.

Can you put this in the fridge for Annie

and help out with the catering? That'd be great.

Hey, look out. Cork and everything.

You can help with the hors d'oeuvres.

Hey, we're not supposed to say that word anymore.

It's sex worker now.

Enough with the jokes. Help!

Who's going to eat this shit?

The kids.

And no trouble from you, Leroy. Today has to be perfect.

Don't start.

Bub's had the hardest year of her life.

Sugar-free finger food's just going to make it worse.

I'm staying out of it. You better do the same.

We've got to do something. She's hiding away in her room.

- You could sing her a song. - I don't know.

Yeah! a special birthday song from her own maningawu.

Maybe.

Somebody's got to think about Bub.

Stop!

When we taught Lauren to swim, what did you tell me?

- Just chuck her in. - Mm.

Should've asked advice. She nearly drowned.

She nearly did, but she didn't, did she?

And she's not going to drown this time.

Sometimes you've got to sink before you swim.

Let them sink. Hm?

Dad. Dad.

- Oi! Rack off, kid! - Dad.

- Sorry. - Dad.

Dad. What is that?

- Junk food. - Don't look like junk food.

It will when it ends up in the junk.

Hey, Leroy.

How about today you let people actually taste what I've cooked?

Your kids can eat crap in their own time.

Get on board or get in the bin. This is for Bub.

- For Bub, sure. - We're her guardians, not you.

The things we do for family.

What the heck?

Are you going to eat that?

- Are you going to eat that? - Yes, why not?

Because it's disgusting.

Bub, put the dress on now.

No. It's ugly.

I don't care if you never wear it again, but you're wearing it today.

It's itchy!

Yeah, well, the things we do for family.

Listen, your friends are here. Your family's here.

Annie's come a long way.

So put the dress on, get downstairs and look alive.

- Eh! - Mm?

Tch! Come here.

Drop that. Come here.

- Ned and Lauren are unhinged. - Thank you!

Who made them king and queen of your house?

My castle's been pillaged by peacocks.

Ronelle used to keep it casual.

Everyone brought a plate. Simple!

None of the kids are going to want to eat that rubbish.

But we know what Bub wants.

Fuck, yeah, we do.

It's our time... to shine.

- The contraband! - Yeah.

Some people need saving from themselves.

- Unc, you're an evil genius. - Mm.

I'll tell my boys to spread the word.

You have to join the Fun Mum thread. All the school mums are on it.

Except Vivian. So don't tell Vivian.

But you're fun, though. You'll qualify.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Party emergency.

Principal Dana, now that I have you here,

I'm the Parents and Friends...

- Oh, yes, yes. sounds great. - Dana...

Send me an email.

Thank you. And people wonder why I didn't join the mum brigade.

Some people make motherhood their entire personality.

Hydrate.

So, what's the go? You heard from Cowboy?

No. Thank God. Ned's really invested.

He's gone like full dad-mode.

I know that look.

- What look? - That look.

Like you're about to give me detention.

Well, I should. And a caning.

Bub doesn't need all this fanfare.

She needs her dad. Her real dad.

- Bup's never asked for that. - Really?

She's never brought up the dad question, ever?

Goodness, it's hotter in here than it is out there.

No, don't... don't... don't bring that in. That's for the guests.

I'm afraid the flies are enjoying it more than the guests.

But there's still more to come.

Where's Leroy? We've still got the stuffed aubergine.

Look, to be honest, Mum, you're not helping.

Oh, darling, no-one likes a try-hard.

Why on earth are you doing all this yourself?

Clearly, your efforts aren't being appreciated.

Look!

Thanks, Mum. That's great.

Chicken liver parfait with a prune compote.

- They're lovely. They really... - Please?

Hey, look, it's the birthday girl!

What's with the dress?

Oi, cut it out! You look lovely, my girl.

You look beautiful.

Nice dress, birthday girl.

Best birthday ever?

You like the food?

- Can we do the piñata now? - Yeah, soon.

But maybe you want to say hello to everyone first, OK?

I get it, Bub, but you're nine now,

and a big part of growing up is doing things you don't want to do.

I'm proud of you, big girl.

- Now go have fun. - Go on.

Thanks, Aunty Lauren.

No-one likes my food.

I don't understand.

Is it that bad? Aren't these kids hungry?

They haven't even tried a single bite.

Well, if there's anyone who knows how to go back to the drawing board,

it's you.

Now get that tight tush back in the kitchen.

Oh!

I love it when you objectify me.

Oh, yum, lollies!

This lollypop's awesome.

Oh, where'd you get the lollies from?

What are you doing?

You're about to ruin a little girl's birthday.

You don't just breeze into my house.

- Whoa. - Go!

Get out of here now, before anyone sees you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, OK? I've got some news for you.

You couldn't call ahead? Send a text?

A friggin' smoke signal?

Look, I found him, and I've got a name.

No, don't tell me. I don't want to know.

You asked me to find him, and I found him.

You want to know who he is or not?

Where'd you get the stash, girls?

We'll never tell.

Where'd you get the lolly, little man?

Not telling!

You're a good kid.

Tell Coach Ned who's dishing out the junk food.

I'm not telling 'cause I'm not a snitching dog.

Did you see Taya?

What a picture she looked in that dress.

What are you fussing about now?

Look how stressed you are!

Let me help.

Mum, don't get all weird and judgy.

I just want it to be perfect for Taya, you know?

There's no such thing as perfect.

Even my Lexus breaks down once in a while.

I thought playing house was what you wanted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I know what a deal is.

I do deals all the time, but circumstances change.

Lauren, have you seen Leroy?

Oh. Who's this? Hey, I'm Ned.

Uh, yes, uh, this is my husband.

And Ned, this is Mr...

- Cowboy. - Cowboy. Mr Cowboy.

Yes, that's right.

Oh, like a... like a cowboy show.

That's a great idea.

The kids are going to love it. Well done.

There's a really good spot for you down here under a tree.

Yeah, yeah, the shady spot, yeah.

Got me whip and everything.

- No, no, no. Cowboy! - Cowboy show...

- What do you mean "whip"? - All the kids are waiting for you.

- Can you be a bit more discreet? - Cowboy show! There you go!

Give me those lollies.

- Howdy. - Howdy.

Should we start the show with a yarn?

Yeah!

How about a bushranger story?

Yeah!

- A scary one? - Yeah!

Finally, someone's eating my food.

- Thank you. - Mm.

- Do you like it? - Mm.

OK, so I've been looking for a couple of low-life bushrangers.

Any idea where these little turds are getting their junk food?

These fellas were up to no good.

They were stealing and dealing, and no-one wanted to snitch.

But Cowboy has his ways.

I'll put aside a box of tarts for you.

Here you go, girls.

You keep that to yourself, alright?

I found the coward bastards holed up in a cave.

Thank you!

And I had the element of surprise, so I pounced.

Enough! You're wrecking Taya's birthday.

The old fella put up one hell of a fight...

...buying time for the young buck to get away with the stash.

Kids don't like canapés!

Well, he was an old, wily one, that old one.

Your food sucks!

So I put the young buck in my sights. Take down the young one first.

Well, he might have had the physical advantage,

but what I had was persistence.

So I chased him across country.

But no matter how close I got, I was always one step behind him.

I tracked him through bush.

I was getting close.

I could smell the mongrel!

Then he vanished, in a hidden cave behind a waterfall.

But I had him cornered,

cornered in the crocodile-infested river.

Don't know about you, but me,

I don't want 66 crocodile teeth in my arse cheeks.

That's not appropriate.

Careful, Annie.

Top End heat and bubbly have a way of creeping up on you.

Champagne and I have an understanding.

So I waited. I waited a long time,

with my trusty Smith & Wesson.

So...

How's it going?

- Perfect. - Oh.

- Yeah. - Had that one loaded right up there.

- "Perfect." So perfect. - Yeah, yeah, this is perfect, isn't it?

Yeah, it looks perfect.

I'd been camped out for a week

when the dog snuck up behind me.

The son of a mongrel shot me in the back and I dropped my gun.

But when Cowboy doesn't have his pistol,

what does Cowboy use?

- A whip! - Yee-hah!

Bloody hell! What's he doing now?

He's going to take some kid's eye out.

No lollies? That's cheap.

That was riveting. I think I need a chaser.

How about we bring the birthday girl on stage?

- Taya! Taya! - Come on.

Get Cowboy out of here, would ya?

Up you get. It'll be fun!

Catch up. I didn't invite him.

It's your fault he's here.

You wanted to find Sperm Daddy.

I helped. Done my bit.

First of all, don't call him Sperm Daddy.

- That's gross. - True.

And, second of all, he found him.

Who? Sperm Daddy?

Stop saying Sperm Daddy!

- Oh, delightful. - Hi.

- Hope you're enjoying yourself. - Hello. How are you?

Food's great, isn't it?

So who is he?

Well, he hasn't told me yet,

because he's too busy being the least subtle private eye on planet Earth!

Have you played quickdraw before?

No, and I don't want to.

Oh, it's easy. I'll show you.

Are you going to sing Bub a song or what?

No. I don't know.

There's a lot of parents.

Feels judgy.

Look, we can both see she's hating it.

You can get up there and give her something to be excited about.

How much cash did you pay him?

- He doesn't accept money. - Shut up!

- You didn't pay him? - I know, Dana!

I tried. But he said I owe him a favour.

What does that mean?

How dead am I? Am I dead?

You're on your own, cudj.

What we're going to do is we're going to take five steps.

And on the fifth step, we turn around and we shoot each other.

Sounds so stupid.

Yeah, that's the spirit. Good girl.

She's really hating this, isn't she?

I would be too, in that dress.

Cake! Cake will cheer her up!

I've never seen you so stressed, Lauren.

Christ, you should thank your lucky stars

you didn't have kids in the '70s.

We couldn't pursue our careers back in those days.

It was, "You're a woman, you're at home with the little tyrant."

Of course you are. Where else would you be?

- Where are the candles? - It was expected.

But I'm just like you, more at home in an office than a playpen.

One day, I saw my husband playing with the boys on the lawn.

The boys were laughing. He was laughing.

I mean, they were just having the best time.

And it hit me.

I don't like kids. I never have.

I mean, I love my boys. Of course I do.

But I didn't like them.

My husband, though, he actually liked the little muppets.

- That's nice. - For him, maybe, but not for me.

I thought there was something wrong with me.

But I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you.

- Ready? And one... - One!

A mother-in-law knows. She knows.

Two.

Ned's just like his dad, naturally paternal.

Three!

You try to hide it, but you're just like me.

Four.

You don't like kids.

- Five. - Bang.

Ow!

Ah, I'm dead! Ugh! I'm dead.

She shot the cowboy.

I'm dead.

Enough of all of this.

Thank you for your cowboy act.

Um, how about I sing my grandbaby a song?

Go, Aunt!

Where are the lollies, Trev?

You'll never take us alive!

It was him! It was him!

- Bub? - Come here! Leroy!

Come here!

Serves you right for plating up that posh crap.

- Why is your beef with me? - What are you talking about?

Hey, Bub, it's time for the cake.

Are you alright?

Great party, bro.

♪ Happy birthday to...

Cowboy?

Cowboy!

What a shit show.

That was...

That was my fault, but I...

I'm just bad at being a mum.

So come on, then.

Tell me everything you can about this Sperm Daddy...

Taya's dad.

You sure you want to know? Once I tell you it's your burden, not mine.

Yeah, yeah. Who is he?

Does the name Jarad Kirilima mean anything to you?

That's a Tiwi name, isn't it?

That's right. Tiwi fella.

- Are you sure? - Mm-hm.

- How did you find this out? - Cowboy's got his ways.

Does he know anything about Taya?

Is that it? Anything else?

- No. - Alright. Good.

That's it. We're done.

Enough of this quid-pro-quo bullshit. I'm going to give you some money.

No, ma'am. Deal's a deal.

You still owe me a favour.

How do you even function?

You know what? Whatever.

Jarad Kirili...

Stop doing that!

I don't care that you got a little boozy.

I care that you keep saying I'm playing house.

- Who's playing? - You both are.

She's pretending to like it,

and you're pretending this isn't what you've always dreamt of.

Mum...

What? A mother can't hear what her son isn't saying?

A son who goes to all this effort, all this stress

for a child that isn't even his.

What if he had a child who was his?

Mum, you know that's not an option for us.

I still remember those two weeks when you sat on my couch, sobbing,

because of what she had said to you.

Mum, we've made a conscious choice to be a child-free couple.

Yes, well, you've always gone along with whatever Lauren wants.

What about what you want?

This is what I want!

Don't look at me like that.

It's my job to look at you like that.

How do I know the name Jarad Kirilima?

Uh, he was only the biggest hottie in high school, don't you remember?

Good at footy, right?

- School captain? - Yep.

And then he pissed off back to the islands after schoolies.

Why? Is he here?

No, no, no. He's...

Shut up!

He's Taya's dad.

Yes!

Ronelle!

- That's lovely. - Lovely?

- The Kirilimas are a good family. - Yeah, I guess.

And Taya deserves to be a part of that family, right?

Of course.

I mean, look...

Ned is...

How do I put this?

- I get it. You don't have to say it, sis. - Thank you.

Ned's a good father figure, but...

She's not his.

She's ours.

She's Jarad's.

Bub?

Fair.

Listen, Uncle Ned and I are sorry

that your party was such a shit show.

- A big shit show! - Yeah.

- A fucking shit show! - OK, that's enough.

I never had birthday parties with Mum.

She knew I never liked people looking at me.

We just used to...

It doesn't matter.

Tell me.

On my birthday, we'd just drink a Paul's Iced Coffee

in Nightcliff at sunset.

Dumb, I know.

Your mum let you drink coffee?

Only on my birthday she did, yeah.

That's not dumb.

That's deadly.

♪ See what happens when Mama stays out of it...

Forgot you had pipes, Aunt.

- You know what I'm thinking? - What?

You could be the Dolly to my Kenny.

Don't worry, darling. You'll be rid of me soon.

I'll move my flight forward.

You don't have to.

I just don't want you to get your heart broken, that's all.

I won't. You don't need to worry.

We're good here. Promise.

Sorry for not cleaning up. Thank you, thank you!

Ned, you're coming with us. Quick!

Uh, Trev.

- Bye, Mum. - Oh...

You're shitting me! Can I take some of these home?

Have what you bloody want.

But make yourself useful, would ya? Greedy.

Bye.

- Where are we going? - It's a surprise.

Oh, OK.

Yep, you're right.

We should have done this from the beginning.

Maybe give us a heads-up a little earlier next year?

Oh, what have you done to me, Bub?

I'm going to be addicted to Paul's Iced Coffee now.

This is delicious!

What's funny?

- You're just like my dad. - Oh, really?

What do you mean?

That's the only thing Mum really ever told me about Dad,

is that he loves Paul's Iced Coffee.

Well, the bloke had good taste.