All language subtitles for The Great North s05e22 Its A Beef-derful Life.eng

[all] ? The Great North! ?

? Here we live ?

-? Here we'll stay ?
-? Oh, whoo! ?

? From longest night
to longest day ?

? In The Great North! ?

[cheering]

[? suspenseful music playing]

[wind blows]

Denny, who's this chump?

Oh, what do you mean, Tanya?

He's my best friend, Beef.

Don't you remember?

We met him in season one.

-Season one?
-Well, that's what I call winter.

The first season of the year.

We all got lost
in that blizzard.

Seems like he's lost
again now, eh?

And almost dead.

-Should we move him?
-Yes.

But not physically, because,
well, we're snowflakes.

We- We can't. I'm going to move
him emotionally

because I'm his guardian
snow angel.

And I'm here
to teach him a lesson

about his place in the world.

[Tanya] How did he get under
this moose's bum, anyway?

Well, I'd love to tell you.

It's a nice long story.

Wait, no, no, no. Never mind.

You see, it all
started this morning

in the nearby town
of Lone Moose...

[Wolf] I'm just saying,

if ALF had gone
on for another season,

I really think
we'd have gotten

a lot of those
questions answered.

But all your questions
were about how ALF has sex.

Exactly! And I want
them answered.

-[phones buzzing]
-Oh, town-wide alert.

Mayor Peppers' getting
loose with these.

Yesterday he sent one
that just said "Anyone up?"

Oh, my God!

Is this text for real?

It's happening.

L.E.R.K. Lotto!

Lurk? What does that mean?

-Oh.
-[Ham] Hell yeah!

[all screaming and grunting]

Hyah!

[Beef] Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go!

-Hyah!
-Oh my God, what is happening?

-[Wolf] Whee!
-Oh! What?

[Wolf panting]

Okay. What the hell
is going on?

That text from the mayor
was a L.E.R.K. alert.

It's Lone Moose's year
in the L.E.R.K. lottery.

Every year,
once the bad weather hits,

you can count
on a couple moose

dying in hit and runs.

-Aw, sad.
-[chuckles]

Sad and delicious.

Those savory fellas

provide hundreds and hundreds

of pounds of free meat.

So Ted's Folly,

Whippleton, Death Cliff,

and Lone Moose...

Take turns as the claimants
of each year's L.E.R.K.s.

If you say L.E.R.K.
one more time without explaining it,

I'm gonna hit
my ejector seat button

and you'll never
see me again.

Oh, no, please don't
use your ejector seat.

It's L-E-R-K,

Large Edible Road Kill.

And this is Lone Moose's
year, baby.

Which means
it's Beef Tobin's year, baby!

I've never heard your dad
say "baby" like that before.

I'm extremely uncomfortable.

Calm down, baby.

Free moose meat
makes everyone a bit wild.

And we can't be late
for the M.M.P.U.L.P.

Where is that
ejector seat button?

The M.M.P.U.L.P.
is the Moose Meat

Picker Upper Lottery Pull.

Mayor Peppers selects
a name from a jar,

and that family
collects the moose.

And keeps a quarter

of the deceased bounty.

[laughs heartily]

And the rest of the meats
are spread evenly around town.

Aww, now I miss Mom.

We won the M.M.P.U.L.P.

and gotten to collect
the L.E.R.K. a few times.

This is the one area

where dad has,
dare I say it,

confidence!

I'm not what anyone
would call a town hero.

I'm not even good
at eye contact.

But when it comes
to making the town happy

by delivering a big old
bounty of raw meat,

I am, dare I say it,

the man.

Dad's a legendary lurker.

A few years ago,

someone hit a moose so hard

it got stuck in a tree

and dad got him down.

And one time,
an elk got knocked

off the road
into the icy river,

and dad retrieved
it with a lasso,

as if he was some kind
of chilly cowboy

named Shivers McGunns.

Yee-thaw, Hamuel.

Dad lost a toe that day

but held on
to the respect of the town.

I'll admit I do enjoy

occasionally being
the most popular guy

in Lone Moose.

The prom king of the meats.

-[gasps]
-[crow caws]

[Aunt Dirt] Beef! Judy!

Boy ones!

Dear lord.

I guess the end times
are upon us.

Everyone I've ever
known and loved

is probably dead.

Well, that's enough grieving, Dirtrude,
time to gear up.

[? intense music playing]

[grunts]

Well, hello, auxiliary weapons
and supply bunker.

I knew we'd meet
again someday.

-[chattering]
-[Mayor Peppers] All right.

Five minutes
till the M.M.P.U.L.P.

Oh, heya, Beef.

I just wanted to thank you

for that little thing
you did for us last week.

-What little thing?
-Remember?

When you shoveled our driveway when
we were out of town?

[card playing]
? Thank you, India ?

? Thank you, providence ?

? Thank you- ?

[Londra] Beef Tobin
for shoveling our driveway.

Wow, what a perfect

and very loud card.

I can't wait to listen
to the rest of it later.

-[chattering]
-Everyone, settle!

[man burps]

Dorothy, why are you and Jim
painted green?

We were getting ready
to watch the Packers game

when the alert came in.

We just finished
body painting each other.

Are you guys already drunk?

I plead the fifth.

-Fifth of vodka.
-[both laughing]

Okay, I'm taking your names

-out of the jar.
-[Jim] Nerd!

I know we've all
had a lean year,

with the pretzel
factory closing

and that cult settling nearby

-and stealing all of our produce-
-[cell phone ringing]

-[cell phone beeps]
-Go for Lightning.

No, it's Pepper.

Sorry. I was just
trying something.

Yeah, like Lightning McQueen.

Never mind. What's up?

Oh, no.

Thanks for letting me know.

-[cell phone beeps]
-Uh...

There's some good news
and some bad news.

The good news is the spotters

say the moose is the biggest
they've ever seen.

[crowd exclaiming]

They're estimating

two thousand pounds.

The bad news is,
the moose is hell

and gone up Absalom's Pass,

it's way off the road,

and a storm is due
to hit in about 90 minutes.

So it... it looks like
we'll have to let this one go.

-[crowd murmuring sadly]
-This is the worst day of my life.

Unless...

a certain local hero
wanted to...

put on his cape.

[Beef grunts]

-[grunting]
-[crowd cheering]

[Beef] You're welcome!

Mayor Peppers,

Lightning.

In the words
of Katnip Everdeen

from the Hungry Games:

"I volunteer to get
that dead moose meat

"for my beloved town."

[crowd gasps, murmurs]

Well, then,

ka-chow.

Oh, so the lottery moose

is now on top of him.

Maybe. You gotta hear
the rest of the story.

Don't try to fool me.

This is why I cheated on you
during our marriage.

Wait. You cheated on me?

Physically or emotionally?

Whichever is the sex one.

Oh! Well, that stings.

All right, fine.
You were right.

This is the moose that the Tobins
set out to get.

And so we return to our tale.

-[Wolf] Nope. No way.
-[Beef] What?

[Wolf] Dad, you know,
I'm your biggest fan.

Officially. I registered
the Beef Tobin fan club

as an LLC
with me as president.

-But you really should not do this.
-Nonsense.

I'm just gonna go
attach the ropes.

Then we'll haul
this bad boy roadside

and get him
onto the trailer.

After that, we return
to our village

as conquering heroes.

Dad, no.

You have got
to let this one go.

It's sweet of you
all to worry,

but it's me.

This is what I do.

So, everyone hop back
in the van, and I will,

and I think
I'm saying this correctly,

B-R-B.

Beef Right Back.

-[grunts]
-[gun cocking]

[screaming] No, no!

Please don't kill me.

I just finished Invisalign!

-Jerry?
-Aunt Dirt?

-You bitten?
-Ugh, by what?

Zombie, alien,
mushroom person?

Has anything bitten you today?

No! No!

I was supposed
to meet my sister

at Maude's for a coffee,

but it was closed,

and there was literally
no one in town.

So I came here,

and there's also no one here.

-It's like the, uh...
-Apocalypse.

Yep. Not sure
what we're fighting yet,

but we gotta gear you up.

Okay, um...

I've never used
a weapon in real life.

Not even a sawed-off shotgun?

No, but let me finish.

I have used
every single weapon

in every single
dystopian video game there is.

-I was born for this.
-Good.

Now the question is,

are you ready to form
an unexpected friendship

with a person
who is nothing like you

but will teach you more

about what it means
to be a human

than you could
have ever imagined?

Absolutely not.

I'm way too
grizzled and cynical.

Perfect. I'll slowly
win you over

with my joviality
and optimism.

Strap me up.

Okay, then.
We got to pick up something

I stashed a while back

for just such an occasion.

-[growling]
-Get down!

[groaning]

Oh, my God.

They've turned.

Into what?

Let's not stick
around to find out.

I can't believe we got lost

on the way back
from Town Hall.

Yeah, maybe we should stop
drinking these roadies.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Give me yours.
I'll get rid of it.

Hey!

-[? suspenseful music playing]
-[engine starts]

[grunts]

Dad! Be careful.

[grunting] Yeah. Yeah.

And... here I am.

Solid as a rock...

[grunts]

No, no. The town, I promised.

-[all exclaiming]
-[shouting]

Ahh!

Ah! Ahh!

-[thuds]
-[groans]

[grunting]

Oh, my God.

I'm okay.

[screams] Oof!

So that's how the moose
got on top of the man.

And now we're all caught up.

All right. Should we put him
out of his misery?

I guess I could stomp
on his neck a little bit.

Tanya, no!

Fine! I have plans, anyway.

I'm meeting up
with my sorority sisters.

We're gonna go
pick up some hotties.

-Oh.
-Well, here's my ride.

I never stopped loving you!

[sighs in exasperation]

Golly gosh, that woman still gets
my dendrites in a dither.

Okay, you can do this, Denny.

And if you do,
you get your snow halo.

Beef! Beef!

Wake up, beef!

[? ethereal music playing]

Denny? Is that you?

Ha! You remember me!

Yes, I got lost in that blizzard
with you.

In season one,
which is what I call winter.

Why am I here?

Wasn't I smushed under a moose

and on the brink of death?

Uh-huh. But right now,

you're in a bit
of a nowhere space.

That's what we in the Guardian
Snow Angel business call

"the betweenies."

A place where I can help you
learn a big lesson

that will save your life.

Wait, you're a guardian angel?

I'm many things, Beef.

I also drive Uber
three days a week.

And I'm an uncle
to four wonderful dogs.

-Congratulations.
-Thank you.

I can also hear
people's thoughts, Beef.

So I know,
right before you passed out,

you were thinking that since you
didn't get that large edible road kill,

you might as well not go back
to Lone Moose at all.

Oh, uh, yeah.

I guess I did think
everyone would be pretty mad

if I showed up back in town
just... me.

Hmm. You think
no one wants to see

Beef Tobin walk through the door without
2,000 pounds of meat?

-Pretty much.
-Huh.

What if I was to tell you,

you're already important
in the town in many ways?

Even without the meat.

Well, I guess,
I wouldn't believe you.

Well, then, let's go see
the life of Beef

-in Lone Moose, shall we?
-[snaps fingers]

[? ethereal music playing]

-Town Hall. Huh.
-See that?

The water fountain?

Uh-huh. Remember this morning?

You noticed the pressy thingy
wasn't working great.

So the water wasn't
getting up very high.

I had to practically put my mouth
on the spout.

But then you tightened
the pressy thingy.

And now, look!

[slurps]

Oh, yum. What a wonderful sip.

-[Toby caws]
-Yes, Toby.

I know we're running late.

Roy got a nice little
drinky there, didn't he?

That's all you.

Oh, uh... sure.

But that's not really
that impressive.

Well, I thought it was nice,

-but let's go see more.
-[snaps fingers]

All right, we've arrived

at the famous aisle seven

of the Val-U-Buy.

Here's where you made
a historical suggestion

about how they should
put the hamburger

and hot dog buns
on the same aisle

as the regular bread
instead of by the meats

on that weird rack.

Changed so many lives.

That's... not important.

What? Beef, really?

Look at these people.

Finding buns. Easily.

-Meh.
-All right.

Still not impressed with yourself, eh?
Let's keep going.

I gotta get that snow halo.
[snaps fingers]

How much further
to wherever this thing is?

Because I really have
to go to the bathroom.

The world's our bathroom now.

Just go in the trees, hoss.

Ooh, you gave me a nickname.

I'm growing on you.

No way.

If an alien bites you,

I'll blow you out
like a birthday candle.

Uh-uh,
you'll struggle with it.

Your trigger finger
is gonna be trembling.

-Will not.
-We'll see.

[gun cocks]

[woman] What the hell
are you doing on my land?

-Don't shoot. Let me shoot first.
-[gun cocks]

[woman] What the...

Dirt?

-Gloria?
-I had no idea it was you.

These goggles
are smudged as hell.

What are you doing out here?

Zombie apocalypse
of some sort in town.

What are you doing out here?

Oh, I live here.
That's my cave.

Got enough food and ammo in there
to last me 200 years.

God, you get more perfect

with each morsel
I find out about you.

We were headed out
to get an asset

I stashed in the woods
60 years ago.

You care for a walk?

Sure, I'll promenade.

Oh, this is perfect.

The main duo in the video game

always picks up a sidekick
along the way,

and one of them gets to have a romantic
relationship with them.

Dibs.

-[siren wailing]
-Uh-oh.

FEMA's already here.
Let's get a move on.

I don't want to live
in one of their colonies.

[Moon] The moose slipped off the road
and he didn't let it go.

He wanted to bring him back
to the town so badly.

We searched pretty far down
and couldn't find him.

That was hours ago.

If he was alive, he'd have hiked
back up by now.

Don't give up hope.

The whole town's
headed here to search.

We'll find your dad.

[grunts] You're right,
Mayor P.

He's out there.
We gotta believe.

All right, everybody.

Grab a flashlight
and a search partner.

Let's bring our boy/dad, home.

Okay, here comes a truly
epic Beef Tobin moment.

[imitates fanfare]

Whoops. I think you
dropped this, Zoya.

I thanking you.

No problem.

Wow.

I mean, just wow.

Pretty impactful, huh?

No. No!

Denny, what are you
talking about?

These moments you're showing me
are so small,

they don't matter at all.

Can't you just tell me what it is
I'm supposed to be learning?

No. It's against the rules.

They'll melt me.

Who will melt you?

I can't tell you.
They'd melt us both!

You know what?
These aren't doing it for you.

Fine. You win.

Put on your big boy dungarees

'cause I'm about to show you

the five most
important moments

of your entire
life in this town.

Great. Now we're talking.

You know, Beef,
you're being a bit rude today.

I feel like we might not
even be best friends.

Don't say that.

Okay, I won't.
I won't say that.

-Right, let's get going. Off we pop.
-[snaps fingers]

[all] Beef!

-[Wolf] Dad! Dad!
-Beef Tenderloin Tobin!

[Moon and Ham grunting]

-Hey, Ham.
-Hey, Crispin.

Can I search with you guys?

Yeah, thanks.

It's gonna be okay, Ham.

Judy, what are you doing?

My dad's lost
out here somewhere.

-Oh, can you see him?
-No.

But Lisa Loeb and Ani DiFranco

are on their way
over for wine night.

-We'll keep an eye out.
-Oh.

Okay, thanks.

I mean, I have a couple of glasses
in already,

so no guarantees.

Beef?

Where are you?

Beef!

I can't do this
life without you!

Beef!

[? ethereal music playing]

[groaning]

All right. Let the show begin.

Show me these
important moments.

[shushes] You're missing it.

There's one now.

[? soft music playing]

Nothing's happening.

-Exactly. Beautiful, eh?
-[snaps fingers]

[bell dings]

-[Londra] Heya, Beef.
-Londra.

-Dad!
-Hey, dad!

-Dad.
-Hey. How's your...

-[snaps fingers]
-Okay, Now watch this part, Dad.

-[whooping on TV]
-[all laughing]

[snaps fingers]

[snaps fingers]

-[chuckles]
-Hmm.

[snaps fingers]

[Moon fussing]

And there they are.

The most important
things you've done, Beef.

Denny... I...

I don't understand.

Those weren't accomplishments.

That was just me being me.

There you go.

I knew you'd figure it out.

Oh, I see.

The lesson
is that I've always thought

I had to be a big
Alaskan superman

to matter to Lone Moose,

but, I matter
just because I'm me?

[chuckles] Pretty corny, bud.

So what?

Beef, you put so much
pressure on yourself

to do these extreme things.

And today it almost killed me.

Exactly.

And it's the little things,
even the nothings,

that actually matter.

That's why all those people

are out there
on the mountainside,

-in a snowstorm, looking for you.
-What?

You'll see in just a minute.

-[dings]
-[gasps] A halo.

Bye, best friend.

[? dramatic music playing]

Wake up now, okay?

Huh? Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Moose on me.

[grunting]

[weakly] Help.

Help!

Damn it!

Well, at least I can die

knowing I did
the little things.

Oh, my God!

The little thing I did!

[grunting]

[? card playing]
? Thank you frailty... ?

Wait. Do you hear that?

[gasps] I know that voice.

? Thank you, thank you- ?

-[all grunting]
-Beef Tobin for shoveling

-our driveway.
-Dad! You're alive!

And suffocating!

Everybody, come on!

We gotta pull this
motherscratching moose

off my motherscratching dad!

[crowd grunting]

[all grunting]

I'm stuck, huh?

That's okay, Dad.

We'll figure it out.

Yeah, we can, uh, just have our
family dinners here.

I'm sorry I got
myself into this.

If I live,

I promise I won't try

to be a superman anymore.

I'll just be a regular man.

Don't worry, Beef.

I'm calling for help.

We're gonna need
something pretty powerful

to haul this monstrosity
off of you.

[thudding]

[Wolf] What in the ever-loving

Evelyn's Favorite Pasta
is that?

[Jerry on comms]
Attention zombies!

Everyone lay down
on the ground.

and we will begin
smushing immediately.

-Jerry?
-[hatch clanging]

Honeybee?

Well, well, well.

Looks like
there's more survivors.

Aunt Dirt,
thank God you're here.

Or should I say,
"Tank God you're here."

We need you to save Dad.

What's in it for me?

[all cheering]

And the tank can bring all of that
moose meat back into town!

[Aunt Dirt] Uh-oh. Look out!

-She's backing up.
-No, no, no.

-[squelching]
-[crowd groaning]

Yikes.

Sorry. I got a discount
on this baby

because it randomly
shifts into reverse.

It also randomly fires. But-

-[tank fires]
-[all screaming]

[loud crash]

That's my girl.

[on TV] Hello!

[all laughing]

-[knock at door]
-[Wolf] Hmm?

-Oh, hey, Mayor.
-Hey, Beef.

Since you missed out
on that moose meat,

I brought you four roadkill squirrels
from my deep freeze.

And some other folks
decided to stop by

with other dead
animal offerings.

I didn't have roadkill,

so I wrapped up
some Slim Jims.

[Wolf] Wow, Dad,
you know what they say.

"No man is a failure
if he has friends...

"who bring him
a bunch of roadkill."

I think I've officially
been in Alaska too long

'cause none of this
seems weird to me.

Dibs on the deer.

And the elk. And the bear.

Let's invite everyone in

and I'll make my famous
seven meats cake.

Great idea. I'll provide
the entertainment.

And would you look at that?

My pan flute happens to be right in
my pocket. [chuckles]

[? flute playing melody]

Oh, I can't believe
I almost forgot to stare

in wild wonder at Alaska's majesty
while whispering "hot dog."

Hot Dog.

[singing] ? Thank you, India ?

? Thank you, terror ?

? Thank you, disillusionment ?

? Thank you, frailty ?

? Thank you, consequence ?

? Thank you ?

? Thank you, silence ?

? The moment I let go of it ?

? Was the moment ?

? I got more than
I could handle ?

? The moment
I jumped off of it ?

? Was the moment
I touched down ?

? Thank you, India ?

? Thank you, providence ?

? Thank you, disillusionment ?

? Thank you, nothingness ?

? Thank you, clarity ?

? Thank you, Beef Tobin
for shoveling our driveway ?

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