Original subtitles

MUSIC: Lovely Day by Bill Withers

# When I wake up in the morning, love #

# And the sunlight hurts my eye #

# And something without warning, love #

# Bears heavy on my mind #

# Then I look at you... #

HE SIGHS

# Just one look at you #

# And I know it's gonna be #

# A lovely... #

# Da-a-a-ay. #

# Lovely day, lovely day... # Breakfast.

# A lovely day Lovely day, lovely day... #

Don't worry, Madam, I have freed the gluten

and the avocado is, of course, smashed.

Whoa, that's pretty good.

The Empress approves.

Your mother went out food shopping.

God, only been back a week and she's turned into Nigella.

Amazing what a bit of money'll do.

Hey. Be nice. She's trying.

Yeah, tell me about it. HE CHUCKLES

Couldn't you stick around for a couple of days?

Be nice to do something together. As a family.

What, a day out in the loft? A trip to the airing cupboard?

SARCASTICALLY: Ha ha.

I'll be back to sort out your money, don't worry. Thanking you.

Er, you are going to go to your mum's thing tonight?

She has been banging on about it.

Well, I won't hear the end of it otherwise, will I? Good girl.

# There's no business like showbusiness #

# There's no business I know #

There she is!

# Everything about it is appealing #

# Everything that traffic will allow... #

Cos you're beautiful.

# Something, something, something, something #

SHE SCATS

HE CHEERS

Sounding good, Donna. Next door is not going to know what's hit it.

Well, it's not quite the Palladium, but I am a professional.

RHYTHMICALLY: Ghosts roam around my home.

You all right, love? Mm. The jolly collie swallowed a lollipop.

Try turning her off and on again.

Hm, warm-ups, darling. Warm-ups.

D'you remember when you used to come and watch Mummy sing?

My little groupie. You used to wear your hair just like her.

Ooh. Little mini-me.

You used to sit at the side of the stage, lighting my cigarettes.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was illegal.

What are you staring at?

HE MURMURS

Look at us all. I mean, who would've thought me being dead

would be the best thing to happen to this family?

Should've done it ages ago. SHE LAUGHS

HE GRUNTS

You packed, then?

Er, getting there.

But you're coming tonight, though, aren't you, darlin'?

Put you a little chair out. Hold Mummy's ashtray?

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

Oh, all right. Don't sound too excited.

It's only your mum singing her heart out.

Leaving everything on the stage.

Don't know when I'm going to see you again.

She'll be back to sort out the money.

Oh, it'll be nice to see you too, Dad. Which will be here any day now.

And we'll be off to paradise, Donna.

THEY MAKE ANIMAL NOISES

Going to...go pack.

Oh, God, she still hates me. She does not.

Every time I come home, I feel like Cruella de Vil.

It's your bloody doing. Hey.

It's not my fault I had to travel the world

on a four-star luxury cruise.

I'm trying my best here.

I bought her an avocado.

Which went down a storm.

Really? Mm.

Tell you what, do your Tina Turner for her later.

River Deep. That was one of her favourites, wasn't it?

Hm. Don't think my knees will take it anymore.

Oh, trust me, you'll, er...

QUIETLY: ..bring the house down. You all right?

Huh? Yes.

Yes. Never better.

HE CHUCKLES DOORBELL RINGS

You are dead to me.

All right? I just want you to know that.

You are dead to me.

Tina... No, I don't want to hear it.

Why don't you just leave already, cos no-one wants you here anyway.

OK. Going now then, bye.

No, I don't mean it, babes!

TINA CRIES SOFTLY OK, OK.

# I've got you under my skin... #

Where do you want these, Derek?

Er, pop them in the back room, then you can start on the beer kegs.

MOCKINGLY: Oh, yes, your majesty.

Jeannie, there's a lot riding on tonight.

I do know that, Derek, thank you very much.

If we play this right,

we could be up there with the likes of Travelodge.

SHE GASPS

I feel sick and excited all at once.

Derek, I was thinking maybe I could do one of my poems later?

Have you put chocolates under the pillows? Yes. Wagon Wheels.

Good. Have you sorted out the Saniflo toilet?

Yes. Rogue tampon.

Oh, it's an epidemic.

Have you constructed fan-shaped towels on each of the beds?

Well, actually, I went for swans.

Jesus wept, Jeannie. Who do you think you are? Banksy?

Come on, chop chop. Oh.

SHE SIGHS You make more work for me.

LES: OK. Pull yourself together.

Think, man. Er...

Car boot sale?

Oh, that's never going to be enough.

Fake my own death?

A-again? No.

Run away?

HE SIGHS

I'll have to tell them the truth.

Can I keep this?

Why?

Sentimental. Hm. Bit weird.

You're a bit weird. OK, have it.

No, I don't want it anymore.

Have you spoken to Nathan yet?

Seeing as you've broken his heart, as well? Bit harsh.

Well, have you? No.

It's not over between you two, babes, you know?

I've got a fifth sense for these things. It'll happen.

Tina. Hm? Can I have my clothes back?

Oh, God, fine!

How can you be leaving a face like this?

I could kidnap you, you know? You've got stringy little arms.

Right, come here. TINA SIGHS

I'll be popping back in a couple of weeks,

and you're welcome to visit whenever you want.

I couldn't have done any of this without you.

I know. You'd have been proper shit.

EMILY CHUCKLES TINA SIGHS

We're still going to have it at your mum's thing later, though, yeah?

Emily?

I guess.

What? Come on. It's your last proper night in Sandylands.

Sorry. It's just... SHE SIGHS

..Mum and Dad are acting like it's happy families.

It's doing my head in.

Like I'm supposed to forget everything that's happened?

My life is so boring compared to yours.

I used to go and watch her sing all the time.

I'd be knackered for school the next day, but it was worth it.

And then, one day, she just...went.

You should really talk to her about this, babes.

Have you tried talking to my mum? TINA CHUCKLES SOFTLY

DONNA SCREAMS

Bang on cue.

DONNA WHIMPERS

EMILY AND TINA GASP

Help me!

MUSIC: Hungry Like The Wolf by Duran Duran

# Darken the city, night is a wire #

# Steam in the subway Earth is afire #

# Do-do-do, do-do-do... #

Women, huh?

Am I right?

One minute they're snogging your face off, the next...

HE MURMURS

HE SUCKS LOUDLY THROUGH STRAW

HE GULPS, THEN SIGHS

Sent her a couple of texts.

"Hey, let's be mates," kind of vibe, you know?

A jokey gif.

Little winking emoji.

Couple of cheeky memes.

Funny, right?

What kind of monster ignores a winking emoji?

No comment.

Out the way! Dyeing emergency. MAN GRUNTS

MUSIC: Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler

SHE PANTS

For the fourth time, you do not look like an Oompa Loompa.

PANTING: Hot Diamond, Champagne Sunrise? Huh?

DOORBELL RINGS

Let's have a look. DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, there she is.

Oh! Are you OK, luvvie?

D'you need some money? Buy yourself a magazine?

Oh, she's a bit warm, Derek.

I'm OK. Jeannie, Jeannie.

Er, is your mother in?

I'm keen to run through call times, set list, fire-exits, etc, etc.

There's a lot riding on tonight. We could be bigger than Travelodge.

Donna? Erm, she's a bit tied up.

Nevertheless, we have a contractual agreement.

Don't want to have to get the lawyers involved.

Donna, are you there? Who the bloody hell is that?

Derek Swallows, Swallows By The Sea B&B?

Your employer for the evening.

STERNLY: What do you want? Mum, it's fine.

No, it's not fine, actually. I've paid upwards of £85.

Derek... Jeannie, please, let me get a word in edgeways for once.

I expect a level of professionalism from you.

Early arrival time, a proper sound check,

and then you can help Jeannie with the beer kegs. Come on, chop chop.

Listen, you. I've met your type before.

You are a pernickety little pain in the arse,

and I won't have it.

I will be over when I say I'll be over.

Do you hear me?

MEEKLY: I do.

Now apologise, before I wring your neck

with the sleeves of that Pringle.

QUIETLY: Sorry.

And apologise to your wife, an' all.

QUIETLY: Sorry, Jeannie.

Good boy.

Shall we say seven-ish?

Hello, love. You got a sec?

I swear to God, I will throttle the next man who crosses me.

All right, Dad?

Yeah, yeah, great, yeah. Yeah. Never better.

What you got there? What you got there? Boop!

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.

CONFUSED: OK.

MUSIC: Never Tear Us Apart by INXS

# We could live #

# For a thousand years #

# But if I hurt you #

# I'd make wine from your tears #

# I told you #

# That we could fly #

# Cos we all have wings #

# But some of us don't know why... #

To the bottom, Derek, and then you can help me with the eggy salad.

Right you are, Jeannie. HE GRUNTS

Anything for you.

Oh, you bloody genius.

I might be able to get a bit more lift.

I'll never get through the bloody door!

Emily?

# The minute you walked in the joint... #

THEY IMITATE BRASS BAND

Oi! Are you seeing this, darling?

What? "What?" The hair.

She's back. Like bloody Samson.

Ooh, you should get Tina to do yours. Be like old times.

Going to knock 'em dead. Hey, Emily?

Yeah, great.

DONNA SIGHS

You're wasting your time with that one.

After all the sacrifices I made, Tina.

Do you know, I can't even hit a high C

since she took a sledgehammer to my pelvic floor?

God. Do you even realise you're speaking?

Hm, not cool enough. No.

God, I hate the youth.

All that London. They wouldn't know quality entertainment

if it kicked them up the sourdough arse.

Right. What happened to that sweet little girl

who used to love watching her mummy sing?

That's all you care about, isn't it?

Your little fan-girl daughter,

worshipping you at the side of the stage.

Just sayin', be nice to have a bit of support.

Would it? Really?

What about my support? What about ever being there for me?

How many times? I came back as often as I...

No, you didn't. You didn't, Mum.

I had to work. You left!

You left me, and you won't even admit it.

I give up with you.

I've done nothing but try since I came back.

Next time, buy your own bloody avocadoes.

I hope you and Dad's money are very happy together.

Emily... Just leave me alone, Tina.

MUSIC: A Lady Of A Certain Age by The Divine Comedy

# Back in the day You had been part of the smart set #

# You'd holidayed with kings Dined out with starlets #

# From London to New York Cap Ferrat to Capri... #

Darling, your... Your mum rang. Erm...

She can't make it.

But...she's going to send you a postcard.

How about a hot chocolate? Yeah?

Come on.

# Armed only with a cheque book and a family tree #

# You chased the sun around the Cote d'Azur #

# Until the light of youth became obscured #

# And left you on your own and in the shade... #

MUSIC: Ain't That A Kick In The Head by Dean Martin

# How lucky can one guy be... #

Mint Imperials are a hit, Derek.

Oh, we're back on the map, Jeannie. It's packed.

# Ain't that a kick in the head? #

Hm, banners look very professional. Yes.

Oh, by the way, er, Mrs Vegas arrived and I put her in room two.

Oh, God, why didn't you say?!

HE SIGHS

SHE HUMS A VOCAL WARM-UP

Oh, Jesus, what a dump.

How the mighty have fallen.

Oh, she'll come round, darlin'.

Always throwing her toys out the pram, that one.

What the hell is this?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Knockety-knock, knock, knock! HE CHUCKLES

No-one's naked, are they? HE CHUCKLES

I am. Under these clothes.

Oh, I see you've discovered my Garibaldis.

Should be a Wagon Wheel around here somewhere?

HE CHUCKLES

Ah. Bingo.

SARCASTICALLY: Ooh. You certainly know how to treat a girl.

Oh! HE LAUGHS

And, er, may I just say, it's an honour to welcome you and...

..your entourage here to the newly-christened Donna Vegas Suite.

There's something up with your loo, by the way.

Yeah, she does not like wet wipes.

ANGRILY: What?

CALMLY: Oh, not a problem, not a problem.

Erm, just to say, before the main event tonight,

AKA you,

we are showing a little promotional video,

something I put together myself, just a bit of fun,

so if you could possibly pop down around 14 past the hour?

HE CHUCKLES No pressure, up to you.

Fine. Fantastic.

And, er, as we say in the business we call show...

HE CHUCKLES Showbusiness.

"Break a leg!" HE LAUGHS

Tosser.

Still here. I know.

BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS

I was so close.

Me and Donna off to paradise, like I promised.

I've blown it.

Again.

She's not going to hang around for some washed-up loser

entombed in his own loft.

And... And Emily.

God, I've put her through so much.

I'm a dead weight.

No, no, I-I am.

They would've been better off without me.

Yeah.

Anyway, thanks for the chat, Gary.

I'm going to go now. Do what I should've done.

GLITZY MUSIC PLAYING

DEREK: Welcome to the Swallows By The Sea relaunch.

ECHOING: Relaunch, relaunch.

The performance is about to begin.

ECHOING: Begin, begin.

THEME FROM "DALLAS" PLAYS

Right. HE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

Settle down, settle down. MUSIC FADES

Welcome, willkommen and bienvenue

to this star-studded relaunch of Swallows By The Sea B&B.

I'm your humble host for the evening, Derek Swallows.

MAN LAUGHS

You've no idea how much that hurts.

Now, who's ready for Donna Vegas?

CHEERING

Good, good. But first,

shut up and watch this.

VIDEO: Welcome to Swallows By The Sea Bed and Breakfast.

Upon arrival, you'll be greeted by our world-class hospitality team,

offering a selection of exotically-flavoured waters

and complementary Kenco.

Cleanliness is close to godliness at Swallows.

With every room black-light tested,

you can be confident in the state of our pelmets.

Why not try our five-star executive breakfast,

with your own choice of egg?

And indulge yourself with one of our spa treatments.

Group facials on request.

Whatever your needs,

it's all here at Swallows By The Sea B&B.

Swallows, watching over you while you sleep.

HE SIGHS

Emily? Jesus, Dad.

What are you doing?

You're going? Now?

I had a bit of a run-in with Mum.

I heard. But don't just go, darling.

I have to, Dad. I can't just play happy families.

Well, have a little break, then come back and...

I'm not coming back.

Emily, please. Your mum'll be devastated.

Will she?

She left us, Dad, and she'll never admit it.

I agree with you, she made some big mistakes. Huge.

But I'm as much to blame.

I made it impossible for her.

You know she's only hanging around for the money? That's not true.

Well...not totally.

She's a really great person underneath...

all those sequins and that hairspray.

I wouldn't know, would I? Yeah, but you could.

She loves you, Emily.

I promise you, she's really trying.

Why do you think she's slumming it in a half-empty B&B?

The only person she wants to sing to tonight is you.

CAR HORN BEEPS

That's my cab.

Don't just walk out, love. Never did anyone any good.

Bye, Dad.

Come on then, love, there's already 20 quid on the meter.

You just got here.

A Room With A View.

A poem by Jeannie Swallows.

JEANNIE CLEARS HER THROAT

DRAMATICALLY: I fling my doors wide open.

Everyone is welcome.

WHISPERED VOICE: Come and rest thy weary head

on my soft, white pillows,

and feast,

for my buffet is continental.

SHE GASPS SHAKILY

DONNA SIGHS KNOCKING AT DOOR

DEREK: Mrs Vegas to the stage, please.

Shit.

DONNA SIGHS I can't do it.

Whoa, what do you mean?

I can't do it, Tina. DONNA SNIFFLES

She was supposed to be here.

KNOCKING AT DOOR Piss off!

OK, I'll go and have a little word with him.

KNOCKING AT DOOR I thought I told you to piss off?

SARCASTICALLY: Charming.

QUIETLY: She is not going on.

Oh, Emily!

You all right, darlin'?

Tina said you weren't going on?

What? No!

It's all part of the big build-up.

Elaine Paige does it all the time. SHE CHUCKLES

Right. Look...

I didn't want to just go without saying goodbye.

You're going? Now?

Yeah.

Probably won't be back.

Right.

Whatever you want, darlin'.

Bon voyage. SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Say hello to London for me.

Good luck in Peru.

I hope it's everything you dreamed of.

I'll send you a... DOOR CLOSES

..postcard.

Emily?

Bye, mate.

DONNA: Emily!

I'm sorry!

ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS

Bit dramatic.

You're right, I never should've left you for so long.

It just got harder and harder to come home.

Look, none of that matters.

I just want you to know that I love you,

and I'm proud of you, and...

And I want to try.

I know that's your choice, but...

I think that's it.

SHE EXHALES

I've never been very good at ad-libbing. It's OK, Mum.

Meter's still runnin'.

SHE CHUCKLES

This one's for my baby girl. APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

# When I was a little girl #

# I had a rag doll #

# The only doll I ever owned #

# Now I love you just the way I loved that rag doll #

# But only now my love has grown #

# And it gets stronger in every way #

# And it gets deeper, let me say #

# And it gets higher, day by day #

# Do I love you? My, oh my #

# River deep, mountain high #

# If I lost you, would I cry? #

# Oh, I love you, baby #

# Baby, baby, baby! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MAN: Night, Nathan. Night.

Can I help you?

I'd like to report a missing person.

Just calm down.

Calm down?! You calm down!

Oh, God! NATHAN PANTS

Nathan, mate, breathe.

NATHAN BREATHES SLOWLY

That's it, that's it.

That's it. Sit down. Put your... Put your head between your legs.

God, what does she see in you?

Does Emily know about this?

What am I saying? Of course she does.

No wonder she didn't respond to my winking emoji.

Oh, God, the levels!

She had nothing to do with this, all right? Nor did Donna.

This is on me, all of it.

What the hell do I do?

I think I'm under arrest, mate.

DONNA AND TINA SING: # Do I love you? My, oh my! #

Oh, we should duet sometime, Tina, my lovely.

Come on, Emily, you're not getting away with it.

DONNA AND TINA: # River deep, mountain... #

# High! #

Oh, voice of an angel, that one!

We could form a supergroup. THEY LAUGH

Come on. Let's crack open a bottle. Something expensive.

Emily, grab those glasses.

What are we drinking to?

How about new beginnings?

GLASSES CLINK

Guys?

What's this?

Where's Dad?

DOORBELL RINGS Dad?

Dad?!

Les.

Can I come in?

MUSIC: Don't You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds

# Hey, hey, hey, hey! #

# Ooh, whoa #

# Won't you come see about me? #

# I'll be alone, dancing #

# You know it, baby #

# Tell me your troubles and doubts... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media