Original subtitles

LES: This way, my sweet angel. Come along.

DONNA: I swear to God, if this is sexual, Les.

You're gonna love it. Tah-dah!

Why are you "tah-dah"ing?

Don't tell me you've bought this shit-pit?

Just picture it, Donna - a sea of happy young faces,

illuminated by the twinkling lights of the machines.

And what's that?

The sound of their hard cash rolling straight into our pockets -

thanking you! And there, above the door,

for the whole world to see, our name in neon.

Les Vegas Arcade.

That's your bloody name!

Well, we've gotta think about things differently now there's three of us.

No. Don't want it. Give it back.

What if I put a little stage out front?

You promised me we'd travel the world, Les -

drink cocktails with fabulous people.

Now you want me to rot here with half a can of Tango

and Pac-Man for an audience?

It's a gold mine. Trust me!

I was better off with Bobby Davro.

Donna.

Donna...

Donna? Donna?

Peru?

They're gonna love you out there.

You can be out serenading the locals,

while I'm sipping on pina coladas.

I'm telling you, when that money comes through,

we can have everything we always dreamed of -

soft white sand, swaying palm trees, matching thongs.

What do you reckon?

You had me at thongs.

DOOR CLOSES

Emily. Yeah, she'll get her 10%. Well, 6.5. Nothing's in writing.

No. Emily. She's up. So?

So - I'm meant to be kipping on the sofa.

I don't want her finding out like this. She'll give me that face.

Has she got another face?

Hurry up!

She's in the shower.

HE SIGHS

Until next time, my sweet angel.

Oh! Ow!

Help me up, you idiot.

Just...Swing your legs.

Oh! Ow!

Morning.

Morning, darling!

MUSIC: It's My Life by Talk Talk

RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS

Knock, knock, knock.

Hello, lovey. You doing a bit of yoga?

Trying to meditate.

Ooh. Room for a little-un? Oh!

I spent a fortnight at an ashram once,

right on the Ganges. They are the most hospitable people.

Bend over backwards, literally.

Welcome and Namaste.

Close your eyes.

All today's worries are drifting away.

Sorry about earlier. Catching your dad and me like that.

We're taking a deep breath in, and hold.

Nothing happened, by the way.

Now breathe out.

Well, not this morning. Mum, please. Oh, sorry!

Bloody lights on everywhere around here.

It's like Sandylands illuminations.

Les, bugger off.

Sorry for saving the planet.

Shall we just kill him and take the money?

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, he told you about the money then? What was that, 24 hours?

Oh, don't look at Mummy like that, darling. It's not about the money.

Right. Emily, I have always loved your father.

Never met anyone quite like him.

Funny, spontaneous.

He could make you feel like a million quid.

I mean, sure, we've had our ups and downs, but...

That bloody arcade.

But it feels different.

Like we're 25 again.

Honestly, Mum, it's none of my business. Hope it all works out.

Oh, thank you, darling! I really feel he's changed.

LES HUMS A TUNE

TV SWITCHED ON Oh, thanks, Dad.

Bargain Hunt waits for no man.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, I see the police are calling for you again?

Oh, is that the funny little fella that felt my thigh? Do you mind?

I'm not happy about you hanging around with that bloke.

Bloody PC Pervert. Your mother agrees with me.

I do not!

How long's it been going on for, darling?

Give Mummy all the juicy deets.

He's a policeman. How much more of a juicy deet do you want?

Who I'm friends with is none of your business.

Oh, "friends", is it? Yeah, well, I'm always

stopping over at a friend's house and borrowing his handcuffs.

Wind your neck in, Les. We've all been there, darling.

You're putting everyone at risk, Emily.

There's no point in me holing-up here

if you're gonna bring Miami Nice home for tea.

Bloody Clinging Detective.

Oh, very good. Any more?

Yeah. Jonathan Creep.

Tell me I'm wrong? Button it, Les.

She's old enough to make her own decisions.

Just play safe, darling, yeah?

It's doomed to fail. You'll end up hurting the poor lad.

Shut up, Dad. Like I'm gonna take relationship advice from you.

DOORBELL Ooh, I'll get that.

Berge-prat. There's another one.

Oh, my God. It's relentless.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God,

I can't even look at you. I'm Tina - Tina Taylor.

Emily's BFF, which I think basically means we're related.

Donna - Donna Vegas.

Yeah, I know who you are, Donna.

Is it true you once bitch-slapped a Krankie?

Both of them, darling.

SHE SQUEALS

My God, your hair is amazing. Look at the bounce on that.

Do you backcomb that? No, it's all natural, love.

Shut up! Can I touch it?

Yeah, knock yourself out. Oh!

Hi, Tina. There she is!

I'm just touching your mum's hair. Do you want a go?

I'm fine, thanks.

Right, see you later, Mum. We're off out for the day.

All aboard for Tina Taylor Tours. Honk-honk, honk-honk!

Where you going?

Where aren't we going, more like!

Goodbye, Donna.

And we're following the brolly!

MUSIC: You Spin Me Round by Dead Or Alive

# If I

# I get to know your name

# Well, if I

# Could trace your private number, baby... #

Ladies and gentlemen, all aboard for Sandylands' most popular ride.

That's if you don't count my ex-wife, Sandra.

Ding-ding-ding-ding-doo!

SIREN CHIRPS

Hands in the air. Hold on tight to your kids,

cos she's taken my two boys.

# You spin me right 'round, baby Right 'round

# Like a record, baby Right 'round, 'round, 'round... #

OK, and welcome, everybody, to Tina Taylor Tours -

AKA Emily's best day out ever. Quick head count.

One! Right then...

Now, did you know that Sandylands has 30 days a year

more sunshine than London? It's actually a micro-climate.

Really? Mm-hm. Yeah. Right, just smell that sea air for me.

SHE SNIFFS

Ah, that's gorgeous, isn't it? That's zero pollution.

It's almost too clean, unlike a certain shit-hole.

I know what you're up to.

Please can you keep it down at the back?

Tina, I've got to go back at some point. It is where I live.

Barely! What, sharing some

tin-pot studio flat with some random from Twatsville?

Oi! There's more to it than that.

You would live like a queen here.

Tell me you won't miss the sea? Tell me.

Nah. Ha! That is one point to Sandylands.

You are gonna be begging me to stay by the end of the day.

It's gonna take more than the sea, Tina.

I might actually need you to murder my dad.

What's he done now?

Well, apart from the fact I caught him and mum sneaking around

like a couple of randy teenagers.

No!

God, I can't say I blame him.

Well, then he's got the nerve to lecture me about seeing Nathan,

saying it's doomed to fail.

Take a look in the mirror, Les. Exactly!

It's none of his business. Exactly. Do you know, he's gonna be

halfway round the world soon, anyway. Exactly.

He just doesn't want you to be happy.

It's like sod that guy, babes, you know? Yeah!

Yeah. Right, gatherin' in, gatherin' in, gatherin' in.

Have we still got everybody? Yes?

Emily. Emily?

Ah. And you won't get that in London either.

You're gonna get me in trouble.

Yes, I am.

My lawnmower's in there somewhere.

HE SNIFFS

I can almost smell it.

Steady on, Jeannie!

SHE GROANS

Are you gonna be much longer, Derek?

I'm seeing shapes.

Whoa, there. Sh! Sh!

SHE GROANS

Hello.

Can I help you?

Abort, Jeannie. Abort, abort.

Leg it! No, no.

No, the other way.

Argh!

Oh, you silly woman.

HE GROANS

MUSIC: We Built This City by Starship

OK, question, do you like crazy?

Definitely not, no.

Wrong answer. I'm looking for yeses only.

I'll try again. DO YOU LIKE CRAZY?

Get in!

Care to make it interesting? Pound a hole?

That's what she said. Stop it.

You're on, mate, yeah.

Be like taking money from a little speccy baby.

Charming!

To be honest, this is probably gonna be quite boring for me.

I come here all the time.

Probably gonna end up going round twice.

Fore!

Ooh! Stand back, Tiger Woods.

I will wrap that around your head.

Tina, chill.

I'm chill, I'm chill.

Just getting my eye in.

That ball's in play, mate!

Watch out.

Where'd that go?

So I'm guessing this was a bit of an ambush?

Mm-hm. Classic Tina.

I thought so.

I tried to call. Oh, it's fine. It's really nice to see you.

Yeah, you too.

Now, if I were you, I'd probably stand...

I'm being hustled.

You can take the girl out of Sandylands.

Watch out, mate.

HE EXHALES GENTLY

Do you have to breathe?

Oh!

Lend you a hand?

Sorry about all that before. It's just...

I've always pictured her with someone better, you know?

Someone who'd come over and watch the game, have a few beers...

..fix the porch light.

Hey, maybe she'll meet someone when she comes out to see us in Peru?

Nice local lad, good with his hands,

helping us out with the new arcade.

Helping us out with what?

The new arcade, in Peru.

Told you about it this morning, didn't I?

Learned so much from the last one.

This is gonna be amazing, trust me.

I was thinking of naming it Donna World - after you.

It's what we always dreamed of, darling.

Paradise.

DOOR SLAMS

SHE EXHALES

Donna, let me in.

I'm meant to be dead.

MUSIC: Close To Me by The Cure

Bend your knees a bit. Yep.

OK. And it's all in the hips.

Ah!

Nice of you to help out the enemy.

Well, I don't want to take all your money.

Oh, that ball ain't round!

Just to say, good luck.

Thank you.

Hate to see you mess it up.

Well, that won't be happening. No pressure.

Yeah - just remember, I am a policeman.

I could have you nicked!

Oh, that was actually better.

Would you mind holding that while I walk into the sea?

SHE CHUCKLES

You know, I'd never have had you down as a copper?

You sound like my Duty Sergeant.

It's just, at school, you were always so...

Please don't say speccy.

No, quiet. Not that that's a bad thing. I was.

I don't want to sound corny, but

I just like helping people. You know?

Try and make a difference and all that. You'd make a good copper.

Hm! Are you joking?

No. Why not?

You're a good person.

Honest, law-abiding, unless you're playing crazy golf.

That's all that matters, isn't it? Integrity. Yeah.

Oh, who puts a windmill on a sodding golf course?

Oh, for...

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, well, the best thing about me, babes, is I don't get bothered.

I'm actually really glad you won. Really, really happy for you.

Enjoy it, yeah?

Can't believe you're taking this off me. Thanking you.

All right. Arrogant.

Next time I'm gonna bring my own clubs anyway so then we'll see.

Donna?

Donna, come on, let me in. Is this about the Emily thing?

Are you joking?

Well, I'm not a mind-reader.

You haven't changed one bit, Les.

You're still the same self-centred arse you always were.

What are you on about?

You want to blow that money on another arcade.

I never wanted the first one.

It's taken me years to get the smell of 2ps off my fingers.

It'll be different this time.

Ooh!

I'm letting you in on the ground floor here, Donna. Trust me.

Trust you?

You were happy to let me think that you were at the bottom of the sea

sat on a frickin' pedalo.

I can't believe you nearly had me this morning.

All that rubbish about swaying palm trees.

You like palm trees! That's not the point.

You sank our life savings into that money-pit.

Put my entire career on hold.

That arcade put a roof over your head.

A cage, more like.

That dump stole the best years of my life.

Well, I'm sorry me and Emily were such a burden.

Don't you dare bring her name into this.

Donna! DOORBELL

Donna, do not answer that door.

DOORBELL

Donna!

Oh, my God, it is you. I said it was you, didn't I, Derek?

Derek, did I not say? It's you.

Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie. Oh, it's OK.

Do you want to touch my hair, darling?

Yes, please.

Derek Swallows - Swallows by the Sea B&B.

Please don't make fun of my name.

Thought we'd pop over and say a proper hello.

Hello.

'Allo 'allo 'allo!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, sorry about before. Peering over your fence like that.

We're not perverts.

Oh, perv away, darling.

Oh! Oh! THEY LAUGH

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

We were actually looking for a lawnmower.

Les borrowed/stole it from me.

Yeah. Sounds like Les. Mm.

We're really big fans, by the way. Indeed.

Not often we get a minor celebrity in Sandylands.

A frickin' what-what?

We saw you perform a few years back.

Oh, it was a smashing cruise. World-class amenities.

What was it we called it, Derek?

The John Lewis of the sea!

THEY LAUGH

Shame everyone got a bit poorly.

Oh, dear. Both ends.

Is that for me?

Just a few essentials.

Baked Alaska, bottle of Domestos, Canesten.

Oh, no, it's very heavy. Let me.

MUSIC: I Could Be Happy by Altered Images

Excuse me?

Erm, three soft-scoops, please, with everything.

Notice anything different?

Er, no?

It's the glasses, mate. It's the massive glasses.

God, don't worry, I got you a little something too.

THEY LAUGH

Classic! Hey, maybe you'll get a little snog from lover-boy, huh?

Saw you helping him out with his schwing!

You dirty little flirt.

Oh, God, Tina. What if Dad's right?

No, no, you're not allowed to do that.

He's a policeman. Barely!

Technically, I'm a criminal.

No, no. No more thinking, all right?

I'm banning it. It's too much of this.

He's a great guy, babes.

He's honest, decent. What, and suddenly that's a bad thing?

Blokes like that don't come around very often. Trust me.

You deserve to be happy.

Ooh. Erm, I did say sauce?

You what?

I paid for sauce?

Oh, I do apologise.

And would His Majesty like sprinkles?

OK.

I mean, what are you meant to be - celibate all your life?

I know.

Blooming carpet diem, mate.

Ooh, red alert. Here come the fuzz.

SHE LAUGHS State of you!

I'm glad you're finding it funny.

Nice hat.

Aw, here, you deserve it.

I wanted a flake.

Thank you.

What? Right here! Sorry!

I make them myself.

It's very pungent.

Beef and onion. Hm.

Light that and tell me you're not hungry.

Derek's appetite's still not what it was.

We had a bit of a bad review at the B&B.

Oh, you don't have to tell me about bad reviews, darling.

String 'em up, I say.

Yes. And then kidnap his wife.

We're thinking of doing a bit of a relaunch, aren't we, Derek?

Mm, my idea. Total revamp.

Maybe have a bit of a do.

Mm. Again, my idea.

Oh, my goodness.

I've just had a thought.

You could come and sing.

Absolutely. My idea.

Let me check my diary.

KEYS JANGLE

Er, excuse me a minute.

MUSIC: Rip It Up by Orange Juice

You little... Donna, you're being unreasonable.

Get out. What you doin'?

Out, out, out.

It's my money.

Get out!

Jeannie, no.

You've already had us banned from M&S.

YELLING

Everything OK in there?

Yes, everything's fine. Just putting the rubbish out.

Why don't you come through and look for that mower?

Donna!

MUSIC: Here I Go Again by Whitesnake

# Here I go again on my own

# Goin' down the only road I've ever known...

WAYNE: Round and round we go.

Nice to see a lot of families out today. Happy, smiling faces...

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Ding-ding-ding-ding-doo!

SIREN CHIRPS

# I ain't wasting no more time. #

Honestly, she is proper amazing. She's done 'em all.

I can see.

Welcome, my child.

First, you must cross my palm with silver

or the crystal ball does contactless.

Oh, right.

Very modern.

Alexa, dim lights.

Can I take your hand, darling?

Sorry. Not done this before.

I know.

Ooh, look at that lifeline.

It's not good, is it?

Keep taking them vitamins.

I'm sensing you're at a crossroads?

There's an important decision you need to make.

Right.

Oh! And I see there's a new man in your life?

Er, well... But wait.

What?

You must take the right path or...

Or what?

I see danger. Great danger!

Turn back. You must turn back!

Oh. How did you get on?

Yeah, fine, fine. Bit weird.

Do you mind if I go next?

Oh, yeah, I'm not that bothered.

Tell you what,

why don't you two just go on ahead without me?

You know, I'm gonna be here a while. I've got very big hands.

I sense you're at a crossroads.

Ooh, I see there's a new man in your life.

Is there?

But wait, I see danger. Great danger.

SHE SCREAMS

Thank you so much, Mrs Vegas. We really appreciate it.

The shed.

It won't be in there.

Daddy's coming.

Oh. I'm sorry about that.

Maybe there's a trap door or something?

Come on, Derek, let's get you home.

We'll see ourselves out.

Oh, it's so lovely to meet you, Mrs Vegas.

Aw.

Look at you, Les.

You pathetic, petty little man.

You haven't even got a lawn, it's bloody Astroturf.

He was on it every two minutes. Bloody racket.

So? So what? Maybe that's what makes him happy.

It's always about you, isn't it, Les? What you want.

Well, I hope you and that mower enjoy Peru.

# Every breath you take

# And every move you make... #

I've really enjoyed today.

Nice to finally hang out.

You know, without one of us running off.

Look, I know this is a bit random.

You're probably going back to London soon - not too soon, I hope.

But, erm, I'd love keep in touch.

Maybe I could come up and see you?

Nathan, I do really like you.

Ooh. That's a good start. But...

Oh, God, I hate "but". Who invented that word?

I just don't think this is gonna work.

Why not?

Sorry.

I've got a lot of stuff going on.

Course. I know it's been a bit mad,

what with your dad and everything,

but you know you can always talk to me?

That's the problem. I can't.

Next in, please.

Emily?

You two together?

No.

Emily? Wait!

Women, eh?

MUSIC: Love Don't Wait by Stephen Collins

Emily?

I'm sorry, mate.

Come here, babes, eh?

SHE SOBS

Oh, darling.

You blow. That's it.

SHE SNIFFS AND SOBS

Can I help you?

I'm sorry, love. About everything.

Right. I've heard it all before, Les.

No.

I've been sat out with that mower realising how selfish I've been.

What it's been like for you.

Forget about the arcade.

All I really wanted was you and me,

together - in paradise...

..matching thongs?

There's two of us in this, Les. Always has been.

You're absolutely right, and it's gonna be different.

I can prove it, Donna.

Just might need your help a sec.

DOORBELL

Derek? Derek!

THEY GASP

HE SOBS SOFTLY

SIREN CHIRPS

Gonna have to shut it up soon, mate.

All right, one more go. Ding-ding-ding-ding-doo!

SIREN CHIRPS

Scream if you wanna go faster.

Or if your life's a bottomless pit of despair.

Here we go.

# Shot through the heart And you're to blame

# You give love a bad name Bad name

# I play my part and you play your game

# You give love a bad name Bad name

# Hey, you give love a bad name

# Paint your smile on your lips

# Blood red nails on your fingertips

# A school boy's dream You act so shy

# Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media