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1
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,880
I heard about your dad,
by the way.
2
00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:10,640
It was in all the papers.
3
00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:11,800
DOOR BANGS
Surprise!
4
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,120
Argh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
5
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,320
Shh. Calm down. It's your dad.
6
00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:18,800
You're under arrest.
HE LAUGHS
7
00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,800
It's just a little insurance thing,
no harm.
8
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:23,000
You here for business or pleasure?
9
00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:24,080
Business.
10
00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:25,880
So you've got a fake passport
sorted then?
11
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:28,520
Visa? What about
the insurance company?
12
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,800
They going to wave you off at
the airport with the cash
13
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:32,880
and a bottle of sun cream?
14
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,640
Emily, what are you doing?
It's the man!
15
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,920
What man?
The man from the insurance company!
16
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:43,640
MUSIC: Everybody Wants To Rule
The World by Tears For Fears
17
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:51,480
# Welcome to your life
18
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:54,920
# There's no turning back
19
00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:58,760
# Even while we sleep
20
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,960
# We will find you
21
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:06,560
# Acting on your best behaviour
22
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:10,400
# Turn your back on Mother Nature
23
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:13,560
# Everybody wants to rule
the world. #
24
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,320
Argh!
25
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,840
Argh! Dad!
26
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,480
Well done, you scared off breakfast.
27
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,440
Where the hell are we?
28
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,720
Probably halfway
to Peru after that storm.
29
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:30,800
You passed out.
30
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,120
We were drifting
a good few hours before I had
31
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,200
to start pedalling.
I was about to give up,
32
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:38,680
and then I was guided into
the Gulf Stream by
33
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:39,960
a friendly dolphin.
34
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,040
Beautiful creature.
35
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,400
Turned out to be a plastic bag.
36
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,880
Whelk?
Urgh. God, no.
37
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:50,800
You're going to have
to eat something, Emily.
38
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:52,680
If it comes down to it,
you can eat me.
39
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:03,920
What are we going to do?
40
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,480
First rule of survival,
darlin', stay positive.
41
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,080
No point in going around blaming
each other.
42
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,080
Even if it was you who pushed us out
to sea.
43
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:18,440
That was not a whelk.
44
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,720
ICE CREAM VAN TUNE PLAYS
45
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,280
Where you going? Emily?
46
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:28,360
At least take a spear.
47
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,640
You're a bloody idiot.
48
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,400
What?
We're still in Sandylands.
49
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,640
Well, get us a Calippo.
50
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:48,480
MUSIC: The King Of Rock 'N' Roll
by Prefab Sprout
51
00:02:56,240 --> 00:03:00,760
# La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la, la
52
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:08,280
# La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la
53
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:14,000
# All my lazy teenage boasts
54
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:17,920
# Are now high precision ghosts
55
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,360
# And they're coming 'round
the track
56
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,600
# To haunt me
57
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,600
# When she looks at me and laughs. #
58
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:33,320
Pot Noodle?
No, I do not want
a sodding Pot Noodle.
59
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,560
When are you going to start taking
this seriously, Dad?
60
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,040
You're meant to be dead. I'm sick of
chasing around town after
61
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,680
the world's least convincing corpse.
62
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,840
Nobody saw anything.
What if they had?
63
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,520
What if we were sat in
a police station, right now?
64
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,440
Do you know what?
I'm done with this.
65
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:50,240
I can't babysit you forever.
I've got my own life. In London.
66
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,280
Ooh, London.
67
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:52,720
Shut up, dad.
68
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:54,560
You packed quick.
69
00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:55,880
What?
70
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,880
That is not my bag.
71
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:00,120
LIQUID BEING POURED
72
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:04,960
Mum!
73
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:09,640
Donna!
74
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,720
I should have bloody known.
75
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:33,680
Huh.
76
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,160
Places, places.
77
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:46,800
Huh. Good morning
sir, my humblest welcome to...
78
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:48,960
..your breakfast.
79
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,440
He's gone, Derek.
80
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,160
His room, it was empty...
81
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,040
..and look.
82
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,920
Argh!
83
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,640
Argh!
No, no, no! Give me that!
84
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,120
It was nothing personal.
85
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,920
Nothing personal?
For weeks I thought you were dead.
86
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,200
Bloody fish-food.
87
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,720
God, I've seen some disgusting
things in my time,
88
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:31,000
Les, and I've been on Loose Women.
89
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,520
Look, I didn't have a choice.
90
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,480
Got myself into
a teensy bit of money trouble.
91
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:35,880
Couple of guys, not nice.
92
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,800
Surprise surprise. Let me guess,
93
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:41,280
another one of your idiot bloody
schemes? Where's my phone?
94
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,240
Pass me that bag.
I'm going to call the police.
95
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,680
Emily, tell her.
What, that you're
96
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,960
a selfish prick who let his own
family think he was dead?
97
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,880
I'm selfish?
She's the one who walked out on us.
98
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,800
I did not walk out on you, Emily.
Mummy had to work.
99
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,360
Oh, I wish I'd had a normal job,
100
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,880
but God cursed me with
a sizeable gift.
101
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:00,760
I came back as often as I could.
102
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,040
Pah. When?
103
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,960
London, last April,
Emily's birthday.
104
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,800
Bought you all that lovely
duty free.
105
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:08,760
My birthday's in June.
Ha!
106
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,640
So I was early. What do you expect
me to do, swim home?
107
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:16,240
I am the headline act on
a four-star Mediterranean cruise.
108
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:19,400
More like propping up the bar on
a cross-channel ferry.
109
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,360
Emily, darling, can you pop to
the shops
110
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,840
and buy me a ten pack of Vogue,
while I murder your father.
111
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:25,760
Mum, Mum, Mum, why have you come
back?
112
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,120
Did they make you walk the plank?
Dad.
113
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,200
I came back for you, my darling.
114
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,760
I could feel you calling out
to me in the night,
115
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:34,800
"Mummy."
116
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:38,560
I wasn't going to let you face all
this on your own.
117
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,120
Didn't see you at my memorial.
118
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,440
Yeah. Even Dad went to that.
Wait, whose side are you on?
119
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,920
I'm not on anyone's side,
you're both terrible parents.
120
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,640
Exactly.
121
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:51,080
Bet you only came back for
the house. Oh, that's it.
122
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:55,200
Shame on you, Les Vegas.
Shame on you.
123
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,160
Do you honestly think
I would've come all
124
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,120
the way back here just
to cash in on this old dump?
125
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,800
And this is the lounge.
126
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,680
CLOCK CHIMES
127
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:20,280
The thing is, a one-star review
isn't really a hate crime.
128
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,960
It's practically GBH.
Well.
129
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:28,240
He described our executive breakfast
as "somewhat lacking".
130
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,840
I'll smash his fucking face in.
131
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,160
Derek's barely eating.
132
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:35,560
Barely eating.
133
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:39,040
Look, sorry.
It's not a police matter.
134
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,520
Well, someone doesn't deserve
any cake.
135
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:46,360
Christ on a cracker. What exactly is
a "police matter" these days?
136
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,000
Your lot said the same thing about
my bloody lawnmower.
137
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:53,200
Been missing for months,
but you refused to simply pop next
138
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,000
door with a SWAT team
to retrieve it.
139
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,280
Next door?
140
00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:02,520
I'm sorry,
but I can not take it any more.
141
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,000
Derek...Derek?
142
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,240
Your body pressure! Oh.
143
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,960
PLATE SMASHES
144
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,720
He missed his morning poo.
145
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,280
DEREK SOBS
146
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:18,280
Look, maybe I could nip next door.
Talk to Emily.
147
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,440
Ask about the mower.
She's an old friend.
148
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:24,040
Such a lovely, lovely girl.
149
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,240
Mm.
Beautiful.
150
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:27,560
Mm.
151
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:31,200
We were never blessed with children.
152
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:36,400
I've got a hymen like
a fireman's trampoline.
153
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:39,680
Tea?
154
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,280
TRAY RATTLES
155
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,400
Oh!
156
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,240
And you can take your sign and all.
157
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,720
This house is not for sale.
Sorry darling.
158
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:51,960
Nice tie.
159
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,760
No, thank you very much.
Not for sale.
160
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,920
This is a bloody nightmare.
161
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,960
We need to gather up anything shiny
and hide it.
162
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,440
She'll take the lot.
Jesus, where's my watch?
163
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:05,480
There.
Oh.
164
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,960
You need to deal with this, Emily.
If she gets one sniff
165
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,280
of that insurance money,
she'll weasel her way back in
166
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,480
and leave one morning with
a suitcase full of cash.
167
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,160
Hold on,
why have I got to deal with it?
168
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,040
I can't go near her.
169
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,520
I'm like a moth to a flame
with that woman.
170
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,320
Batting my little wings,
trying to resist,
171
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,640
getting closer and closer,
and closer
172
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,200
and then...vuh!
173
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,600
She looked good though,
eh? Oh, my God,
174
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,440
it's happening already.
She's in my head.
175
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,040
Dad, will you get a grip?
176
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:38,160
I wish it was that easy.
The first night I met her,
177
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:41,120
I fell head over heels.
Promised her the world.
178
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,400
You should lock me up here
and throw away the key.
179
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:47,280
I can't trust myself around her.
I start making stupid decisions.
180
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:48,320
Start?
181
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,720
She's a ticking time bomb,
Emily. She needs to go.
182
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:54,440
God. It's gonna be like negotiating
with Miss Piggy.
183
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:58,320
Just don't look her directly
in the eyes.
184
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:02,160
# Don't tell me not to live
# Just sit and putter. #
185
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:03,960
High-kick.
# Life's candy
186
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,920
# And the sun's a ball of butter. #
Groin thrust.
187
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,040
# Don't bring around a cloud
188
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:13,160
# To rain on my parade. #
189
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,360
Big finale, cross-leg finish.
190
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,720
Humble hand on heart...
191
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:20,120
..and curtain.
192
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,200
Shit. Nathan?
193
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,960
Ooh. Nathan.
194
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,000
Emily. Surprise.
195
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:31,120
Look at you, sat there,
in your police uniform.
196
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,840
Your mum let me in.
Oh, well done, Mum.
197
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:37,520
Can you just stop saying that word,
"Mum". Makes me sound so old.
198
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:39,200
Here, feel that thigh, officer.
199
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,280
Nothing mumsy about that,
is there?
200
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:44,040
Very firm.
201
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,200
Er, sorry to disturb this lovely
moment, guys.
202
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:47,960
Nathan,
could we have a chat outside?
203
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:52,120
Ooh, lovers' tiff, is it?
204
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:53,400
Stay.
205
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,880
Look, er, I just wanted to say, erm,
206
00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,320
sorry for running off from
the pub last night.
207
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,800
Oh, don't worry, it's cool.
208
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,600
Always on duty.
Catching those bad guys.
209
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,320
Making the streets safe.
Pretty hot stuff, huh?
210
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,080
Er, sorry, Nathan,
211
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,960
do you mind if we chat later?
It's not a great time.
212
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,960
Ooh. Always wanted to do that.
213
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,640
No. I'm actually here
on police business.
214
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,080
It's about your dad, Emily.
215
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,280
Showtime. You reapeth what you
bloody well sow.
216
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,200
Don't you worry, darling,
we'll get you lawyered up to
217
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,560
the eyeballs.
You've done nothing wrong.
218
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:31,880
How did you...
Next door.
219
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,120
Actually been on to you for
a little while.
220
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,400
I think it's probably best if I
just take a look around.
221
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:38,960
Mm. I'd start in the loft if I
was you.
222
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,800
Loft? Weird place for a lawnmower.
223
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:45,560
Lawnmower?
Uh-huh. About yay-high?
Military green?
224
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,920
Mr Swallows says Les
borrowed-slash-stole it.
225
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,040
I'd still try in that loft.
226
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,960
No. Show's over, Mum.
227
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,200
Are you all right?
228
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:56,560
Well, I don't know, to be honest.
229
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,680
You can't just come into
people's houses,
230
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,000
waving your badge
around willy-nilly.
What?
231
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,520
Sorry, it's been a bit of a bad day.
232
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,120
I'll tell you what,
I'll look around for that lawnmower.
233
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:09,320
Maybe give you a call later?
Try again for that drink?
234
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,120
You'd get away with murder,
you would.
235
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,360
SHE GIGGLES
236
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,320
MUSIC: Pop Muzik by M
237
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,720
# Pop, pop, pop muzik
Pop, pop, pop muzik. #
238
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,720
Oh!
CROCKERY BREAKS
239
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,680
SHE EXHALES
240
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:32,120
Oh, we bake now,
do we, Claire Sweeney?
241
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:35,080
You seen this?
242
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,600
Wasn't Little Miss Perfect when she
was you know what
243
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,480
with a certain you know who.
244
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,040
Good job my lips are sealed.
245
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:43,280
WHISPERS: Kriss Akabusi.
WHISPERS:
Yeah.
246
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:44,920
Mum, can we have a little chat?
247
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,040
Course, darling.
Come and sit next to me.
248
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,480
Bloody gorgeous, you are.
I'm so proud.
249
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:55,720
Thanks.
250
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,360
Look, Mum, please don't take this
the wrong way.
251
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,960
Well, spit it out, darling,
252
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,960
I'm a performer,
I can take a bloody note.
253
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,800
Right, the thing is...
254
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,080
Oh, Jesus, you hate me.
255
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,800
Oh, Mum,
of course I don't hate you.
256
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,360
Look, it's nice to see you.
257
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,840
It's just things are complicated
here at the moment.
258
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,760
I get it.
I haven't seen you in over a year,
259
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,280
but obviously your father's
more important.
260
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,200
That's not true.
261
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,960
I'm sorry sweetheart,
I'm not normally such a drama queen.
262
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,880
It's just...it's just been very
difficult.
263
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,280
A widow, at my age.
264
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:30,360
Dad is upstairs.
265
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:31,520
Don't remind me.
266
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,040
You know I was writing
a one-woman show.
267
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,840
Widow Of The Waves. Very tasteful.
268
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,880
I was going to do the whole
thing in a paddling pool.
269
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:45,520
THROATY CROAKS
270
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:49,640
Are you OK?
271
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:51,280
I'm crying, Emily, all right?
272
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:53,640
You try it with a face full of
Taiwanese botox.
273
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,640
I...I can't believe you
didn't tell me.
274
00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:00,200
I'm sorry.
275
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:04,040
What sort of man fakes his
own death?
276
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,960
A self-centred arsehole?
277
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:07,320
You got that in one there.
278
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,400
Why'd he do it, darling?
279
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,720
The only thing I can think of is...
280
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:14,800
..if there was some...
281
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:17,240
..money involved.
282
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,880
Er...
You would tell Mummy,
wouldn't you?
283
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,360
Emily.
Yeah, yeah.
284
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:30,320
Right, better go and check on Dad
before he fakes his own death again.
285
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:31,400
EMILY LAUGHS
286
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,280
SHE GASPS
287
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,480
You devious little toad.
288
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,320
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
289
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,600
ANNOUNCER:
It's 1989.
It's New Year's Eve.
290
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:21,120
And this is Donna and Max.
291
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:31,400
# Sometimes I feel I've got to
292
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:34,720
# Run away
I've got to
293
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,160
# Get away
294
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:40,800
# From the pain that you drive into
the heart of me
295
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,440
# The love we share
# Whoa, whoa whoa
296
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,600
# Seems to go nowhere
297
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:50,000
# Cos I've lost my light
298
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:54,000
# For I toss and turn
I can't sleep at night. #
299
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,040
MUSIC: Eternal Flame by The Bangles
300
00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:00,160
# An eternal flame. #
301
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,440
Usual, Harry.
302
00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:05,880
You going to roll that tongue in
and buy me this drink?
303
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,280
Well, the drink, I can do.
304
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:12,120
# You belong with me
305
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,800
# Do you feel the same? #
306
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:17,240
That's a lot of onion.
307
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,520
Well, I'm a lot of woman.
308
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:25,360
# Or is this burning an eternal... #
309
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:26,520
THEY LAUGH
310
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:30,360
I'm serious,
you're too good for this place.
Oh.
311
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,200
Let's get out of Sandylands.
Tour the world.
312
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,440
Live out the rest
of our days in paradise.
313
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,280
No more playing second fiddle to
Bobby Davro.
Shh.
314
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,520
If he hears you,
he'll rip your cock off.
315
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:44,520
I don't care. You've got it all,
Donna, the looks...
316
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:45,880
Ooh, I like this one.
317
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,200
..that voice...
Go on.
318
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,680
..the sophistication.
319
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:52,280
SHE LAUGHS
320
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,680
I promise you,
321
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:57,160
stick with Les Vegas,
and the sky's the bloody limit.
322
00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,800
# I want to know what love is
323
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,120
Mm.
324
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:04,320
# I want you to show me. #
325
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:07,320
That was a lot of onion.
326
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,040
Aha. Could you move my, er...
327
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:20,200
Get out of jail free.
Put that one in your wallet.
328
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,880
You what?
Dad, you can't just hide
up here forever.
329
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:23,960
I'm meant to be up here.
330
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,200
Don't have a go at me just cos you
couldn't get rid of her.
331
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,080
Well, you're welcome to give it
a try.
332
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,280
She seemed really upset.
Can't say I blame her.
333
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,880
Crocodile tears.
That's exactly what she does.
334
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,520
Don't forget, she only came back
here to fill her pockets.
335
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,760
Er, speaking of which,
Mayfair. Cough up.
336
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,680
Right, that's it.
We need to go downstairs
and sort this out like adults.
337
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,680
I'm sick of being your go-between.
338
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:48,920
Just cos you're losing.
339
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:58,920
Oh, here she is. Guess what,
Mummy's been baking.
340
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,440
Your favourite. Cake.
341
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,840
Here. Have a spoon.
Er, Mum, Mum,
will you just stop a sec?
342
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,240
Look, we need to talk. All of us.
343
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,320
Dad...
344
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,680
Dad, stop dragging your feet.
345
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,600
Oh, hi, Les. Oh, God,
346
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,840
I've got flour all over my body,
Les.
347
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:25,080
Don't. No, Donna.
I know your game. You harpy.
348
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:26,360
Dad, sit down.
349
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:29,840
Would anyone like a cup of tea?
350
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,600
Don't drink the tea,
it might be poisoned.
351
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,320
Mum, would you mind?
Yeah.
352
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:35,520
Thanks.
353
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,560
Well, I think we can all agree that
this is an absolute shit-show.
354
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,680
Hear, hear.
This is
your shit-show, Dad.
355
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:45,840
Well, I'm just happy we're all back
together again, safe and sound.
356
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:46,960
Ha.
357
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,680
Mum, I really need you to listen.
358
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:50,760
I am listening, darling.
359
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,840
Try not to get emotional.
360
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:56,280
Moi? Zero worries there, love. Ha.
361
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:59,440
OK. Now, Dad and I have been
talking, and we both feel...
362
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,400
We want you out, Donna.
Dad!
363
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:05,680
It's OK.
I understand your father's angry.
364
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:10,280
But I'm here to roll up my sleeves
and do my bit.
365
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:13,200
I will not just walk out on
this family.
366
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,000
Well, you've done it before.
Dad, please.
367
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,600
What? Half a whiff of
a spotlight and she upped-anchor
368
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,520
and sailed away,
or have you forgotten?
369
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,560
Not everything is my fault, Les.
370
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,320
What about all those empty promises?
371
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,880
Sinking all our money into that
stupid arcade.
372
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,960
Oh, here we go,
life is not a fairy tale, Donna.
373
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,040
Don't I know it?
374
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,720
It's a living bloody nightmare
with you.
375
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,600
"It's a living bloody nightmare
with you."
376
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,440
Oh, you're a petty little man.
"Oh, you're a petty little man."
377
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,080
What are you doing?
I'm going for a drink.
What?
378
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:43,840
I woke up on a beach this morning.
I think I deserve it.
379
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,440
You can't leave me here alone
with her.
380
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,160
Emily! I'm just a little moth.
381
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,640
A little moth.
382
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:55,080
It's been nearly eight years since
we've seen each other, Les.
383
00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:58,480
Do you remember that terrible row?
384
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,680
Thrown out of our own
daughter's graduation.
385
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:05,320
When they told me you were lost
at sea,
386
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:08,280
my whole world came crashing down.
387
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,520
I never realised how much
I still cared.
388
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:13,960
I had to come home.
389
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:16,960
I begged the captain to turn
the ship around,
390
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,640
but we were halfway to Torremolinos.
391
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,440
I'd have given anything, anything,
392
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,720
to see you one last time.
393
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,560
And now, here you are...
394
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:29,960
..smack-bang in front of me.
395
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,000
Donna, I can't.
396
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,640
I've missed you, Les.
397
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:36,600
ALARM BEEPS
398
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:39,760
That'll be my muffins.
399
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:45,880
Ooh.
400
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,320
Ooh.
401
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,560
MUSIC: Don't You Want Me
by The Human League
402
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,360
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's '80s night.
403
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,200
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do!
404
00:20:58,240 --> 00:20:59,880
So please welcome to the stage
405
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,160
the man who's had more breakouts
than MacGyver,
406
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,800
you know what time it is...
407
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,600
It's Chino time!
408
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,400
Er, well, sorry for the wait
at the bar.
409
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,880
Guys, can't get the staff.
410
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,800
Eh, and you can blame whoever
grassed me up to Border Force.
411
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,480
Let's go!
412
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:22,200
# You were working as a waitress
in a cocktail bar. #
413
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,480
I wish.
414
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,640
# When I met you
415
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,320
# I picked you out,
I shook you up
416
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,520
# I turned you around. #
Turn around.
417
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:33,760
# Turned you into someone new. #
418
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,120
With you in a minute, mate.
419
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,400
# Now five years later on you've got
the world at your feet
420
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:41,520
# Success has been so easy
for you. #
421
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:42,760
Same again, cocker?
422
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:46,680
# But don't forget it's me who put
you where you are now
423
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:50,920
# And I can put you back down too. #
Not you, mate.
424
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:55,040
# Don't. Don't you want me?
425
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,840
# You know I can't believe it
when I hear that you won't see me. #
426
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,880
What you doing?
Donna frickin'
Vegas, back in Sandylands?
427
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,400
The one and only.
Is it true she
once bitch-slapped a Krankie?
428
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,360
Probably.
It's kind of her catchphrase.
429
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,480
Can I meet her?
430
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,160
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
OK, this is mental.
431
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,840
Tell me about it. It was bad enough
when there was only one of them.
432
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:13,880
Now I'm outnumbered.
433
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,320
Hey, come on.
434
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:17,440
You take a deep breath for me,
all right, darlin'.
435
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,720
Listen, you - not on your own in
all of this, OK?
436
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,520
A problem shared is
a problem shared,
437
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:27,120
and you have got your BFF,
TT right by your S-I-D-E.
438
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,880
Sorry about the wait,
girls. What can I get you?
439
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,280
Er, I quite fancy a cocktail.
440
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,520
Well. Could I tempt you...
441
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:36,680
..with one of these?
442
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:40,760
A bit more politically correct
for the modern lady.
443
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,520
So, instead of your sex on
the beach,
444
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,920
how about a chat on the sand?
445
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:49,080
Not up for a slow comfortable screw
against a wall?
446
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,160
How about a relaxed expression
447
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,000
of love between
two consenting adults...
448
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,200
..against a wall.
449
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,240
I'll just stick with
a slippery nipple.
450
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:01,080
Yes, I'm comin'.
451
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,400
Teen, do you mind helpin' yourself?
I'm run ragged here.
452
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:04,520
Yeah, all right.
453
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,760
MUSIC: Das Modell by Kraftwerk
454
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:11,040
# She's a model
and she's looking good. #
455
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,400
Oh...
456
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:18,840
# I'd like to take her home,
that's understood. #
457
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,760
Oh, that's not right, that.
458
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,760
# She plays hard to get,
she smiles from time to time. #
459
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:29,920
WATER GURGLES
460
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:30,960
Oh...
461
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,320
# It only takes a camera
to change her mind. #
462
00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:37,840
Can you wait till I'm done,
mate? Thanks.
463
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:42,480
How about I fix you a drink
464
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,880
and you can tell me all your
problems, little missy, huh?
465
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:49,880
Go on, hit me.
466
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:54,200
Well, apart from the fact I've got
a dad who's committed major fraud
467
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:55,760
and a mum who says she's back
to see me,
468
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:59,360
but actually wants to cash in on
the family home, I'm fine.
469
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,440
Jeez, I'm going to have
to full-on harness my Oprah here.
470
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,880
OK, here we go, babes.
471
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:06,880
Maybe you're looking at it
all wrong?
472
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,280
Right? Maybe this is a good thing.
473
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:10,440
This is not a good thing.
474
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:12,840
It's probably the world's worst
family reunion.
475
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:16,600
No, listen, right. Cos maybe
when your dad died, for a bit,
476
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,480
yeah, it woke your mum up. Made her
realise how important you were.
477
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:22,880
She walked out on us,
Tina. She wants fans, not family.
478
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,800
No, well, seriously, my mum always
said that
479
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,640
everything happens for
a reason, right?
480
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,240
When she first met my dad,
she saved his life.
481
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,160
Right, she was working in
Greggs, yeah?
482
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:34,480
And he walks in, just starts choking
on a steak bake and then, boom,
483
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:36,880
nine months later,
big bro Gary Taylor was born.
484
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,840
And then, boom,
nine months after that TT.
485
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:44,000
So, this could be fate,
babes. You know?
486
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:45,760
Just bringing you all
back together.
487
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,960
I've been here before.
She bursts in,
488
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,480
all air- kisses, promising that
she'll stick around, then
489
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,640
surprise-surprise,
she's gone by breakfast.
490
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:58,880
I just need to get Dad sorted
and then I can get on with my life.
491
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:00,800
What, you're going to be leaving
Sandylands?
492
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,280
Well, I have to at some
point, Tina.
493
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:04,320
Oh.
494
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:08,280
Oh, please,
can we just have a good night?
495
00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:10,400
Yeah, all right,
get your chops around this then.
496
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,160
Lovely.
497
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:17,080
MUSIC: I Want To Know What Love Is
by Foreigner
498
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,400
# I've got to take a little time
499
00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:36,520
# A little time to think
things over
500
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,280
# I better read between the lines
501
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:49,680
# In case I need it when I'm older
502
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:59,080
# Oh oo-ooh
503
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,360
# Now this mountain I must climb
504
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:13,760
# Feels like the world upon
my shoulders
505
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:17,920
# Through the clouds,
I see love shine
506
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,920
# It keeps me
warm as life grows colder
507
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:30,760
# In my life, there's been
heartache and pain
508
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:36,800
# I don't know
if I can face it again
509
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:42,200
# Can't stop now,
I've travelled so far
510
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:48,960
# To change this lonely life
511
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:53,200
# I wanna know what love is
512
00:26:55,720 --> 00:27:00,080
# I want you to show me
513
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,840
# I wanna feel what love is
514
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:12,880
# I know you can show me. #
515
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:28,560
Feel like I'm 25 again.
Few more creaks.
516
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:30,800
Oi! That's the camp bed!
517
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:36,720
Tell me the truth,
Les, why'd you do it?
518
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,480
Fake your own death, I mean?
519
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,960
You know me, Donna.
Bit of a maverick.
520
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:45,040
Bit of a plonker, more like.
521
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:48,560
Come on, knowing you, there's got to
be some sort of angle?
522
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:53,800
I wish I was that smart.
Just needed to lay low.
523
00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,080
We should get our beauty sleep.
524
00:27:58,400 --> 00:27:59,640
Night, love.
525
00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:10,800
Ahem!
526
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:14,960
Donna.
527
00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:17,520
What are you doing?
528
00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:21,400
I'm sorry, Les.
My little head's just spinning.
529
00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,360
What about all that stuff you
said earlier?
530
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:26,960
And that thing we did in the loft.
531
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,640
Twice. I mean, didn't that
mean anything?
532
00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:34,440
Course it did. My agent texted,
there's a job going,
533
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:39,040
starting tomorrow, on a ferry.
Dover to Calais.
534
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:42,000
Oh, come on,
you're better than that.
535
00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,920
I just can't live off thin air,
Les. I'm sorry.
536
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:50,360
I love you, Donna. Always have.
537
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:54,680
I know.
If only there was another way.
538
00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:58,520
Tell Emily Mummy'll be back soon.
539
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:04,240
Wait.
540
00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:06,160
Goodbye, Les.
541
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:09,840
There's money, Donna.
Enough for all of us.
542
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:13,880
We can do what we always dreamed
of. I promise.
543
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:17,360
Please. Just come home.
544
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,160
# Oh Donna
545
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:25,080
# You made me stand up
546
00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:28,640
# You made me sit down, Donna
547
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:32,360
# Sit down, Donna
548
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:35,400
# Sit down
549
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,840
# You made me stand up
550
00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:45,960
# Donna waiting by the telephone
551
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:48,800
# Donna waiting for the phone
to ring. #
552
00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:50,800
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
40997
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