Original subtitles

I heard about your dad, by the way.

It was in all the papers.

DOOR BANGS Surprise!

Argh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Shh. Calm down. It's your dad.

You're under arrest. HE LAUGHS

It's just a little insurance thing, no harm.

You here for business or pleasure?

Business.

So you've got a fake passport sorted then?

Visa? What about the insurance company?

They going to wave you off at the airport with the cash

and a bottle of sun cream?

Emily, what are you doing? It's the man!

What man? The man from the insurance company!

MUSIC: Everybody Wants To Rule The World by Tears For Fears

# Welcome to your life

# There's no turning back

# Even while we sleep

# We will find you

# Acting on your best behaviour

# Turn your back on Mother Nature

# Everybody wants to rule the world. #

Argh!

Argh! Dad!

Well done, you scared off breakfast.

Where the hell are we?

Probably halfway to Peru after that storm.

You passed out.

We were drifting a good few hours before I had

to start pedalling. I was about to give up,

and then I was guided into the Gulf Stream by

a friendly dolphin.

Beautiful creature.

Turned out to be a plastic bag.

Whelk? Urgh. God, no.

You're going to have to eat something, Emily.

If it comes down to it, you can eat me.

What are we going to do?

First rule of survival, darlin', stay positive.

No point in going around blaming each other.

Even if it was you who pushed us out to sea.

That was not a whelk.

ICE CREAM VAN TUNE PLAYS

Where you going? Emily?

At least take a spear.

You're a bloody idiot.

What? We're still in Sandylands.

Well, get us a Calippo.

MUSIC: The King Of Rock 'N' Roll by Prefab Sprout

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

# All my lazy teenage boasts

# Are now high precision ghosts

# And they're coming 'round the track

# To haunt me

# When she looks at me and laughs. #

Pot Noodle? No, I do not want a sodding Pot Noodle.

When are you going to start taking this seriously, Dad?

You're meant to be dead. I'm sick of chasing around town after

the world's least convincing corpse.

Nobody saw anything. What if they had?

What if we were sat in a police station, right now?

Do you know what? I'm done with this.

I can't babysit you forever. I've got my own life. In London.

Ooh, London.

Shut up, dad.

You packed quick.

What?

That is not my bag.

LIQUID BEING POURED

Mum!

Donna!

I should have bloody known.

Huh.

Places, places.

Huh. Good morning sir, my humblest welcome to...

..your breakfast.

He's gone, Derek.

His room, it was empty...

..and look.

Argh!

Argh! No, no, no! Give me that!

It was nothing personal.

Nothing personal? For weeks I thought you were dead.

Bloody fish-food.

God, I've seen some disgusting things in my time,

Les, and I've been on Loose Women.

Look, I didn't have a choice.

Got myself into a teensy bit of money trouble.

Couple of guys, not nice.

Surprise surprise. Let me guess,

another one of your idiot bloody schemes? Where's my phone?

Pass me that bag. I'm going to call the police.

Emily, tell her. What, that you're

a selfish prick who let his own family think he was dead?

I'm selfish? She's the one who walked out on us.

I did not walk out on you, Emily. Mummy had to work.

Oh, I wish I'd had a normal job,

but God cursed me with a sizeable gift.

I came back as often as I could.

Pah. When?

London, last April, Emily's birthday.

Bought you all that lovely duty free.

My birthday's in June. Ha!

So I was early. What do you expect me to do, swim home?

I am the headline act on a four-star Mediterranean cruise.

More like propping up the bar on a cross-channel ferry.

Emily, darling, can you pop to the shops

and buy me a ten pack of Vogue, while I murder your father.

Mum, Mum, Mum, why have you come back?

Did they make you walk the plank? Dad.

I came back for you, my darling.

I could feel you calling out to me in the night,

"Mummy."

I wasn't going to let you face all this on your own.

Didn't see you at my memorial.

Yeah. Even Dad went to that. Wait, whose side are you on?

I'm not on anyone's side, you're both terrible parents.

Exactly.

Bet you only came back for the house. Oh, that's it.

Shame on you, Les Vegas. Shame on you.

Do you honestly think I would've come all

the way back here just to cash in on this old dump?

And this is the lounge.

CLOCK CHIMES

The thing is, a one-star review isn't really a hate crime.

It's practically GBH. Well.

He described our executive breakfast as "somewhat lacking".

I'll smash his fucking face in.

Derek's barely eating.

Barely eating.

Look, sorry. It's not a police matter.

Well, someone doesn't deserve any cake.

Christ on a cracker. What exactly is a "police matter" these days?

Your lot said the same thing about my bloody lawnmower.

Been missing for months, but you refused to simply pop next

door with a SWAT team to retrieve it.

Next door?

I'm sorry, but I can not take it any more.

Derek...Derek?

Your body pressure! Oh.

PLATE SMASHES

He missed his morning poo.

DEREK SOBS

Look, maybe I could nip next door. Talk to Emily.

Ask about the mower. She's an old friend.

Such a lovely, lovely girl.

Mm. Beautiful.

Mm.

We were never blessed with children.

I've got a hymen like a fireman's trampoline.

Tea?

TRAY RATTLES

Oh!

And you can take your sign and all.

This house is not for sale. Sorry darling.

Nice tie.

No, thank you very much. Not for sale.

This is a bloody nightmare.

We need to gather up anything shiny and hide it.

She'll take the lot. Jesus, where's my watch?

There. Oh.

You need to deal with this, Emily. If she gets one sniff

of that insurance money, she'll weasel her way back in

and leave one morning with a suitcase full of cash.

Hold on, why have I got to deal with it?

I can't go near her.

I'm like a moth to a flame with that woman.

Batting my little wings, trying to resist,

getting closer and closer, and closer

and then...vuh!

She looked good though, eh? Oh, my God,

it's happening already. She's in my head.

Dad, will you get a grip?

I wish it was that easy. The first night I met her,

I fell head over heels. Promised her the world.

You should lock me up here and throw away the key.

I can't trust myself around her. I start making stupid decisions.

Start?

She's a ticking time bomb, Emily. She needs to go.

God. It's gonna be like negotiating with Miss Piggy.

Just don't look her directly in the eyes.

# Don't tell me not to live # Just sit and putter. #

High-kick. # Life's candy

# And the sun's a ball of butter. # Groin thrust.

# Don't bring around a cloud

# To rain on my parade. #

Big finale, cross-leg finish.

Humble hand on heart...

..and curtain.

Shit. Nathan?

Ooh. Nathan.

Emily. Surprise.

Look at you, sat there, in your police uniform.

Your mum let me in. Oh, well done, Mum.

Can you just stop saying that word, "Mum". Makes me sound so old.

Here, feel that thigh, officer.

Nothing mumsy about that, is there?

Very firm.

Er, sorry to disturb this lovely moment, guys.

Nathan, could we have a chat outside?

Ooh, lovers' tiff, is it?

Stay.

Look, er, I just wanted to say, erm,

sorry for running off from the pub last night.

Oh, don't worry, it's cool.

Always on duty. Catching those bad guys.

Making the streets safe. Pretty hot stuff, huh?

Er, sorry, Nathan,

do you mind if we chat later? It's not a great time.

Ooh. Always wanted to do that.

No. I'm actually here on police business.

It's about your dad, Emily.

Showtime. You reapeth what you bloody well sow.

Don't you worry, darling, we'll get you lawyered up to

the eyeballs. You've done nothing wrong.

How did you... Next door.

Actually been on to you for a little while.

I think it's probably best if I just take a look around.

Mm. I'd start in the loft if I was you.

Loft? Weird place for a lawnmower.

Lawnmower? Uh-huh. About yay-high? Military green?

Mr Swallows says Les borrowed-slash-stole it.

I'd still try in that loft.

No. Show's over, Mum.

Are you all right?

Well, I don't know, to be honest.

You can't just come into people's houses,

waving your badge around willy-nilly. What?

Sorry, it's been a bit of a bad day.

I'll tell you what, I'll look around for that lawnmower.

Maybe give you a call later? Try again for that drink?

You'd get away with murder, you would.

SHE GIGGLES

MUSIC: Pop Muzik by M

# Pop, pop, pop muzik Pop, pop, pop muzik. #

Oh! CROCKERY BREAKS

SHE EXHALES

Oh, we bake now, do we, Claire Sweeney?

You seen this?

Wasn't Little Miss Perfect when she was you know what

with a certain you know who.

Good job my lips are sealed.

WHISPERS: Kriss Akabusi. WHISPERS: Yeah.

Mum, can we have a little chat?

Course, darling. Come and sit next to me.

Bloody gorgeous, you are. I'm so proud.

Thanks.

Look, Mum, please don't take this the wrong way.

Well, spit it out, darling,

I'm a performer, I can take a bloody note.

Right, the thing is...

Oh, Jesus, you hate me.

Oh, Mum, of course I don't hate you.

Look, it's nice to see you.

It's just things are complicated here at the moment.

I get it. I haven't seen you in over a year,

but obviously your father's more important.

That's not true.

I'm sorry sweetheart, I'm not normally such a drama queen.

It's just...it's just been very difficult.

A widow, at my age.

Dad is upstairs.

Don't remind me.

You know I was writing a one-woman show.

Widow Of The Waves. Very tasteful.

I was going to do the whole thing in a paddling pool.

THROATY CROAKS

Are you OK?

I'm crying, Emily, all right?

You try it with a face full of Taiwanese botox.

I...I can't believe you didn't tell me.

I'm sorry.

What sort of man fakes his own death?

A self-centred arsehole?

You got that in one there.

Why'd he do it, darling?

The only thing I can think of is...

..if there was some...

..money involved.

Er... You would tell Mummy, wouldn't you?

Emily. Yeah, yeah.

Right, better go and check on Dad before he fakes his own death again.

EMILY LAUGHS

SHE GASPS

You devious little toad.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER: It's 1989. It's New Year's Eve.

And this is Donna and Max.

# Sometimes I feel I've got to

# Run away I've got to

# Get away

# From the pain that you drive into the heart of me

# The love we share # Whoa, whoa whoa

# Seems to go nowhere

# Cos I've lost my light

# For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night. #

MUSIC: Eternal Flame by The Bangles

# An eternal flame. #

Usual, Harry.

You going to roll that tongue in and buy me this drink?

Well, the drink, I can do.

# You belong with me

# Do you feel the same? #

That's a lot of onion.

Well, I'm a lot of woman.

# Or is this burning an eternal... #

THEY LAUGH

I'm serious, you're too good for this place. Oh.

Let's get out of Sandylands. Tour the world.

Live out the rest of our days in paradise.

No more playing second fiddle to Bobby Davro. Shh.

If he hears you, he'll rip your cock off.

I don't care. You've got it all, Donna, the looks...

Ooh, I like this one.

..that voice... Go on.

..the sophistication.

SHE LAUGHS

I promise you,

stick with Les Vegas, and the sky's the bloody limit.

# I want to know what love is

Mm.

# I want you to show me. #

That was a lot of onion.

Aha. Could you move my, er...

Get out of jail free. Put that one in your wallet.

You what? Dad, you can't just hide up here forever.

I'm meant to be up here.

Don't have a go at me just cos you couldn't get rid of her.

Well, you're welcome to give it a try.

She seemed really upset. Can't say I blame her.

Crocodile tears. That's exactly what she does.

Don't forget, she only came back here to fill her pockets.

Er, speaking of which, Mayfair. Cough up.

Right, that's it. We need to go downstairs and sort this out like adults.

I'm sick of being your go-between.

Just cos you're losing.

Oh, here she is. Guess what, Mummy's been baking.

Your favourite. Cake.

Here. Have a spoon. Er, Mum, Mum, will you just stop a sec?

Look, we need to talk. All of us.

Dad...

Dad, stop dragging your feet.

Oh, hi, Les. Oh, God,

I've got flour all over my body, Les.

Don't. No, Donna. I know your game. You harpy.

Dad, sit down.

Would anyone like a cup of tea?

Don't drink the tea, it might be poisoned.

Mum, would you mind? Yeah.

Thanks.

Well, I think we can all agree that this is an absolute shit-show.

Hear, hear. This is your shit-show, Dad.

Well, I'm just happy we're all back together again, safe and sound.

Ha.

Mum, I really need you to listen.

I am listening, darling.

Try not to get emotional.

Moi? Zero worries there, love. Ha.

OK. Now, Dad and I have been talking, and we both feel...

We want you out, Donna. Dad!

It's OK. I understand your father's angry.

But I'm here to roll up my sleeves and do my bit.

I will not just walk out on this family.

Well, you've done it before. Dad, please.

What? Half a whiff of a spotlight and she upped-anchor

and sailed away, or have you forgotten?

Not everything is my fault, Les.

What about all those empty promises?

Sinking all our money into that stupid arcade.

Oh, here we go, life is not a fairy tale, Donna.

Don't I know it?

It's a living bloody nightmare with you.

"It's a living bloody nightmare with you."

Oh, you're a petty little man. "Oh, you're a petty little man."

What are you doing? I'm going for a drink. What?

I woke up on a beach this morning. I think I deserve it.

You can't leave me here alone with her.

Emily! I'm just a little moth.

A little moth.

It's been nearly eight years since we've seen each other, Les.

Do you remember that terrible row?

Thrown out of our own daughter's graduation.

When they told me you were lost at sea,

my whole world came crashing down.

I never realised how much I still cared.

I had to come home.

I begged the captain to turn the ship around,

but we were halfway to Torremolinos.

I'd have given anything, anything,

to see you one last time.

And now, here you are...

..smack-bang in front of me.

Donna, I can't.

I've missed you, Les.

ALARM BEEPS

That'll be my muffins.

Ooh.

Ooh.

MUSIC: Don't You Want Me by The Human League

Ladies and gentlemen, it's '80s night.

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do!

So please welcome to the stage

the man who's had more breakouts than MacGyver,

you know what time it is...

It's Chino time!

Er, well, sorry for the wait at the bar.

Guys, can't get the staff.

Eh, and you can blame whoever grassed me up to Border Force.

Let's go!

# You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. #

I wish.

# When I met you

# I picked you out, I shook you up

# I turned you around. # Turn around.

# Turned you into someone new. #

With you in a minute, mate.

# Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet

# Success has been so easy for you. #

Same again, cocker?

# But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now

# And I can put you back down too. # Not you, mate.

# Don't. Don't you want me?

# You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me. #

What you doing? Donna frickin' Vegas, back in Sandylands?

The one and only. Is it true she once bitch-slapped a Krankie?

Probably. It's kind of her catchphrase.

Can I meet her?

Sorry, sorry, sorry. OK, this is mental.

Tell me about it. It was bad enough when there was only one of them.

Now I'm outnumbered.

Hey, come on.

You take a deep breath for me, all right, darlin'.

Listen, you - not on your own in all of this, OK?

A problem shared is a problem shared,

and you have got your BFF, TT right by your S-I-D-E.

Sorry about the wait, girls. What can I get you?

Er, I quite fancy a cocktail.

Well. Could I tempt you...

..with one of these?

A bit more politically correct for the modern lady.

So, instead of your sex on the beach,

how about a chat on the sand?

Not up for a slow comfortable screw against a wall?

How about a relaxed expression

of love between two consenting adults...

..against a wall.

I'll just stick with a slippery nipple.

Yes, I'm comin'.

Teen, do you mind helpin' yourself? I'm run ragged here.

Yeah, all right.

MUSIC: Das Modell by Kraftwerk

# She's a model and she's looking good. #

Oh...

# I'd like to take her home, that's understood. #

Oh, that's not right, that.

# She plays hard to get, she smiles from time to time. #

WATER GURGLES

Oh...

# It only takes a camera to change her mind. #

Can you wait till I'm done, mate? Thanks.

How about I fix you a drink

and you can tell me all your problems, little missy, huh?

Go on, hit me.

Well, apart from the fact I've got a dad who's committed major fraud

and a mum who says she's back to see me,

but actually wants to cash in on the family home, I'm fine.

Jeez, I'm going to have to full-on harness my Oprah here.

OK, here we go, babes.

Maybe you're looking at it all wrong?

Right? Maybe this is a good thing.

This is not a good thing.

It's probably the world's worst family reunion.

No, listen, right. Cos maybe when your dad died, for a bit,

yeah, it woke your mum up. Made her realise how important you were.

She walked out on us, Tina. She wants fans, not family.

No, well, seriously, my mum always said that

everything happens for a reason, right?

When she first met my dad, she saved his life.

Right, she was working in Greggs, yeah?

And he walks in, just starts choking on a steak bake and then, boom,

nine months later, big bro Gary Taylor was born.

And then, boom, nine months after that TT.

So, this could be fate, babes. You know?

Just bringing you all back together.

I've been here before. She bursts in,

all air- kisses, promising that she'll stick around, then

surprise-surprise, she's gone by breakfast.

I just need to get Dad sorted and then I can get on with my life.

What, you're going to be leaving Sandylands?

Well, I have to at some point, Tina.

Oh.

Oh, please, can we just have a good night?

Yeah, all right, get your chops around this then.

Lovely.

MUSIC: I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner

# I've got to take a little time

# A little time to think things over

# I better read between the lines

# In case I need it when I'm older

# Oh oo-ooh

# Now this mountain I must climb

# Feels like the world upon my shoulders

# Through the clouds, I see love shine

# It keeps me warm as life grows colder

# In my life, there's been heartache and pain

# I don't know if I can face it again

# Can't stop now, I've travelled so far

# To change this lonely life

# I wanna know what love is

# I want you to show me

# I wanna feel what love is

# I know you can show me. #

Feel like I'm 25 again. Few more creaks.

Oi! That's the camp bed!

Tell me the truth, Les, why'd you do it?

Fake your own death, I mean?

You know me, Donna. Bit of a maverick.

Bit of a plonker, more like.

Come on, knowing you, there's got to be some sort of angle?

I wish I was that smart. Just needed to lay low.

We should get our beauty sleep.

Night, love.

Ahem!

Donna.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, Les. My little head's just spinning.

What about all that stuff you said earlier?

And that thing we did in the loft.

Twice. I mean, didn't that mean anything?

Course it did. My agent texted, there's a job going,

starting tomorrow, on a ferry. Dover to Calais.

Oh, come on, you're better than that.

I just can't live off thin air, Les. I'm sorry.

I love you, Donna. Always have.

I know. If only there was another way.

Tell Emily Mummy'll be back soon.

Wait.

Goodbye, Les.

There's money, Donna. Enough for all of us.

We can do what we always dreamed of. I promise.

Please. Just come home.

# Oh Donna

# You made me stand up

# You made me sit down, Donna

# Sit down, Donna

# Sit down

# You made me stand up

# Donna waiting by the telephone

# Donna waiting for the phone to ring. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media