Original subtitles

Personally, and it's been a few weeks since I've been, mind,

but I'd recommend the Sand Museum

or maybe Seaweed World?

You got time for both?

Here he is.

I've put your undies on a boil wash.

But, more importantly, did we have a lovely, little sleep?

A delightful respite, thank you.

Yay.

Didn't hear a grown man crying at all?

Should I have?

No, no...

Here's your coffee.

Erm, maybe I could freshen your egg?

Oh, can we offer you a cup of Jeannie's juice?

Oh, yes, I squeeze it myself.

It's not to everyone's taste, but I can't get enough.

I'll go grab one of my jugs.

I'll help squeeze. Here you are.

Ow! SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

Why don't you take an advert out in the paper

and tell everyone you're here? You could've taken my ear out.

Why aren't you in the loft, Dad?

All right.

It's horrible.

There's also a massive spider up there with a chip on his shoulder.

Thought I'd cook you a hero's breakfast, you know,

say thanks for, erm... Getting shot?

Tasered.

Defrosted a couple of sausages.

I'm a vegan, Dad. Oh.

Gotta have some bacon.

Go on, then.

Ey!

Hey...girl.

Oh, God, no.

Hm, just as I thought.

Paint.

Shouldn't have eaten that.

God, would you just send that bloody text and get over here?

You're wasting police time.

Oh, Sandy Glands.

That's pretty good. Don't laugh at it.

That's the third one this week.

Here, write this down.

Size nine flip-flop. Single print.

So, would that be the flip or the flop?

Here, jackpot.

Might have some DNA here.

Oh, God!

What the hell are you doing?

You've contaminated the evidence. You...

Oh, don't worry. There's loads of them back here.

That's a full one.

All right, darling. Nearly there.

Bet you thought I'd forgotten.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday dear Emily

# Happy birthday to you. #

Bon appetit.

Your favourite.

I'm not eight years old.

Who put sand in your drawers?

Don't, I barely slept worrying about all this.

You need a proper plan. This is serious.

Hey, hey. It's all in hand.

Really?

Voila.

Peru.

Picture the scene.

Sun is shining.

There's a little guy playing Spanish guitar.

Couple of llamas just knocking about.

Wander down at the beach,

beautiful white sand, no dog mess.

And there,

the twinkling lights of our new arcade.

Emily World,

named after...hm...

..you.

So you've got a fake passport sorted then?

Visa?

What about the insurance company?

Are they gonna wave you off at the airport with the cash and a bottle of sun cream?

God, Dad, did you actually plan any of this?

Yes, of course. Go on, then.

All right.

Step one - fake death.

Yep, mm-hm, good. Tick that off.

Step two. Oh. So there is a step two?

Obviously. Step two...

..get the money.

Oh, that is a bloody master plan, that is. Bravo, Napoleon.

All right, you're a black cloud, you are.

This could take ages, Dad.

Months of filling in forms,

hiding, lying to the police, to everyone.

I can't be here looking after you.

I've got to go home.

Hey. Hey, one day at a time.

Relax. Oh, you're not listening, Dad.

I am.

I hear you.

I do.

How about Thailand, eh?

Picture the scene.

The sun is shining...

Bub, where're you going?

Do not slam that...

..door. DOOR SLAMS

SEAGULLS SQUAWK

It's good luck, that.

You need a cab?

No?

I was... Bit of a mad one for me last night.

What're you here for? Holiday, is it?

Make sure you do the Sand Museum,

or Seaweed World.

I mean, both if you've got the time.

Oh, insurance investigator, eh?

Uh-oh, someone's in for it.

Oh, no. Is it Les?

Of course, that makes sense.

Freak accident, no body found,

it's all very mysterious.

Of course, old Bob here knows exactly what happened to him.

He was buggered by dolphins.

HE IMITATES A DOLPHIN

Right up the blow hole!

No, no, that one's knackered.

Not been working since... Les Vegas?

That's it.

Friend of his, are you?

Bloody tragedy, that.

He was out all night,

but he only paid for an hour.

Still, I've moved on.

RADIO: We've had more reports of graffiti, over.

Received.

Whiskey, Sierra...

..bye-bye.

Little bastard.

Did she seem off to you, though?

Who? Emily.

Are you still banging on about that? It were her dad's funeral.

And you shot her. Yeah, I did. I did.

I'll tell you what I'd do.

When you've finished your shift,

go over to her house.

Knock on the door... Yeah.

..and arrest her.

And then she'll have to spend some time with you.

We could do a bit of the old good cop, bad cop.

How's that going to work?

Well, you make kissy faces while I break one of her fingers.

You are very violent, Trude.

Oh, grow up, Goldilocks.

It's a big, bad world out there.

Hey!

I mean, that's just getting personal now.

LES SCRAPES YOGHURT POT

Can you stop it?

No.

What? Where does that go?

Bin.

Do you not recycle, Dad? It's so important.

Jeez, I can't even put rubbish in a bin any more.

Remember this?

Dad, please. I'm trying to concentrate.

DOORBELL RINGS

Who's that? How the hell should I know.

Mate.

It's Tina.

What's she doing back here now?

Emily! Emily!

Emily, it's an emergency.

DOORBELL RINGS

Out the way, babe. I've drank a gallon of SlimFast.

I'm gonna wet myself, or worse.

Tina, Tina!

Tina!

Are you OK in there?

Ah, yeah, soz, babes.

I usually keep an empty bottle on the bus, you know, for emergencies.

I've finished for the day now.

We could...hang out,

get something pierced

Er, I've got a bit of stuff to sort out, really.

SQUEAK

All right, Les.

All right, Tina.

Ah! Shh, shh.

Ah! Ah!

Tina? Ah!

Tina? MUFFLED SCREAMS

Calm, calm, calm...

C-c-c-customer in the house.

What can I get you, blud?

Tens or twos?

Tens, innit?

Man's a high roller.

Whoa.

Is this about the fire in the office?

I knew there'd be a fat claim.

Wait, how much are we talking?

Cos that bin's a total write0off. Is Emily going to be rich?

This is Emily...Verma?

You're in luck, she's staying at her dad's.

Oh, yes?

I can give her a bell, if you like.

I would like that very much.

EMILY: Honestly, everything's fine.

But you do look like death,

doesn't she, Derek?

You haven't come across that lawnmower, have you?

Military green, about yea high.

Derek, she's been through a terrible time.

Listen, if you ever want to talk about anything,

we're just next door. Anything at all.

Depression, anxiety, women's issues... I'm fine, thanks.

I'm very clued up, vaginally.

Deep breaths.

Smell the coconut.

Very calming.

But why would you do it?

It's just a little insurance thing - no harm.

I can't believe you never told me.

Oh, that's tough. Oh, shut up, Dad. I only found out myself yesterday.

Can someone undo my bra a notch? Cos I'm struggling to breathe here.

Now, Tina, I need you to promise you won't tell anyone about this.

Oh, no, no, no, nah, I won't tell hardly anyone.

No-one, Tina. Are you listening? Yeah.

SENT MESSAGE SWOOSH

Why have you just texted, "You'll never guess what"?

It's about something else. It's in a group called "Les Chat".

All right, all right.

You secret's safe.

Pinky promise.

And that is unbreakable by law, that is.

So you could actually sue me,

but don't because I am already skint.

PHONE RINGS

It's the arcade.

Kenny, you OK?

Hello, Miss Verma.

I represent Willets & Willets life insurance.

I trust we're having a wonderful day.

Right, so what you've got is a dry T-zone. Oh.

You all right? It's the shitting insurance company.

Oh, well, that's good. We knew they were going to call. Did we?

Ask them if they'll do cash. My God, this is it.

He's at the arcade. Shit, what am I going to say?

Act normal.

What do you mean, normal?

Well, first off, say something.

Hello?

Er, hiya!

Sorry, I was just...

..on the loo.

All done now.

Miss Verma, I'm in town regarding your recent insurance claim.

I told him about the bin, Emily. Gonna be a fat pay out.

Sorry, mate.

I have a few routine questions.

Just dot the Is, cross those Ts.

Won't take much of your time.

Perhaps I could come by the house. He wants to come here.

WHISPERS: No! No, no.

Er, no, no.

How about the cafe by the pier?

Say, four?

Excellent, you have made my day.

Until then.

Anything?

All looks... Oh, God.

He's sprayed a cock on the side of the pier. No.

How large are we talking?

It's...a big'un!

Got your favourite, Emily, love.

Sorry to hear about Donna, Les.

Plenty more fish in the sea though, eh?

You shouldn't even be down here. Emily'll kill me.

Come on, it's time to celebrate.

Money's coming in,

everything is falling into place.

Yeah, well, let's hope you don't get caught though, Les.

Don't put a downer on it all. We won't.

Now, Madame, shall I sort your rim?

Well, you'll have to buy me dinner first.

Oh.

Miss Verma, I assume.

My card.

I took the liberty of ordering us both some tea.

Tea, great. Love tea.

So many teas, aren't there, these days?

Peppermint, lemon and ginger...

..rooibos.

Shall I be mother?

Milk?

I appreciate how much of a shock this must be for you.

Your eye? Doesn't bother me.

Oh, you mean Dad. Sorry, bit nervous.

I've not done this before.

Please don't be.

People get a little jumpy when they see the word "investigator".

Rest assured,

I won't be peeping at you from behind the bushes

with a pair of binoculars.

Or a telescope.

Sorry, that's not like me.

Sorry.

Well, just a few standard questions

and I'll be on my merry, little way.

Oh, good. I mean, take your time.

Right.

Question one.

# Take on me

# Take on me

# Take me on

# Take on me

# I'll be gone

BOTH: # In a day or two... #

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

No, no, no, Les.

I'll get it.

Oh, yeah.

TINA LAUGHS

Hello, hello, hello.

Is this some sort of a bust? Why, yes, it is.

Ooh, somebody smells nice.

Oh, erm, just a bit of Jazz.

Erm, is the lady of the house present?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

She went out, yeah.

I'm just, er...

..yeah, I'm just, erm...

..I'm plant sitting, actually.

Say hello to Kanye.

Right, erm, hello...Kanye.

Erm, has she gone into town?

Back off, Columbo, I ain't saying nothing. I pinky promised.

But if you leg it down to the seafront,

you might find her.

Mm-hm.

Go get her, lover boy.

Right, cheers.

A yes or no will be fine.

I forgot the question.

Are you Emily Verma?

All clear.

Are you getting pervert vibes off this guy?

Who? Nathan?

He's all right.

Oh...

Miss going for a stroll down the beach about now.

I do miss it.

Sand between my toes,

bit of sea air.

Come on, Tina, let's nip out.

There's hardly going to be anyone down there at this time.

Give over, Les.

We're not leaving this house - Emily said.

IMITATES: Emily said, Emily said.

All right, all right. No, fair, forget it.

We are out of booze though.

So, that's that.

Not too probing, I hope.

What? No.

Not at all.

Now for the boring bit.

A little legal jargon.

Should your claim be found to be fraudulent

or if you enter into said claim knowing fraud has been committed,

you could face up to ten years in prison.

Okey dokey?

Okey dokey.

So, if you would just sign here,

here, here and here

and here and here,

and initial here,

here and here.

Pen?

There's nothing to be concerned about,

unless of course there's something you're not telling me.

I'm joking.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

That's gone everywhere.

It's fine.

Oh, these are all ruined now.

What a clumsy... Oh, dear.

Oh, is that the...? I've got to meet a friend, sorry.

Er, let's do this again.

Er...asap.

I...I'll call you.

Emily!

Oh, shit, sorry, hi!

Ah, fancy seeing you here.

I'm just out for one of my big, old runs.

Oh, PB. Nice.

What are you up to? Oh, nothing much.

Cool, cool.

I was thinking about having a quickie. Erm, a pint.

Fancy it? No Tasers this time.

Yeah, I could do with a drink.

Oh, off we go then.

Well, I wouldn't recognise you.

Yeah, I'd lose the ski goggles though.

You reckon? Oh, I'm not sure about this, Les.

Come on, it's only an hour.

All right, half an hour tops.

Right, I'll leave Emily a note. No need. Already taken care of it.

Here you go.

Double whiskey then.

Oh, someone's thirsty.

No, help yourself.

I only really wanted a half.

EMILY EXHALES

You OK?

Is it your dad? What?

You know, the memorial and everything.

No, no, I'm fine.

Sorry again about Trude and the...buzzz.

She's lovely, but she's...

..very trigger happy.

Is everything all right with your...?

I mean, it all looks great from here.

Lovely bosom.

Oh, there that goes.

I'll get us another.

Sorry!

Gotta go, I'll call you.

Stop, please!

Cheers.

So where is Peru then?

It's sort of...over there.

You should come out and visit.

Free holibobs?

Damn right.

I'll tell you what, Lessie, babes,

you...are...a...bloody nutter, mate!

Like something out of a freaking movie.

You reckon? Yeah.

Wealthy daughter comes home after dad dies.

Meets this super spunky, hot, psychic, you know,

world-class bants,

and then, plot twist,

her dad only turns up alive.

A busy few weeks, eh?

Yeah. Mm. I can picture the ending now.

So you and Emily are in one of those old convertibles,

speeding through the desert.

Helicopters, police cars,

they're all chasing after you. What?

Yeah, cos you've been on the run for months.

And she's screaming at you, right?

Emily's like, "What are we going to do, Dad?!

"What are we going to do?!"

You're looking over at your little girl, you're like,

"I'm so sorry, darling, I'm so sorry.

"This is all my fault. I should never have got you into any of this."

But she's in way too deep now, and there's nowhere else to go.

And it's like, "Kaboom!"

Kaboom?

Yeah, cos you've driven off a cliff.

That's probably just the movie, mind.

Definitely get Gwyneth Paltrow to play me.

Bottom half Beyonce.

What about you, Les, babes?

Les?

Les.

Stop! These are my best shoes!

Nathan?

It's him, Trude!

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

DOOR OPENS

Sorry, me again.

I've just come to turn up your loo roll.

Dad.

Idiot.

So, how long will you be with us, Mr...erm...?

Indefinitely.

Oh.

Nice day for it.

Dad?

Dad, what are you doing?

Emily! Dad, we need to leave, now.

Darling, I've been thinking...

You should go...

..back home to London, to all your urban pottery stuff.

I should never have dragged you into all of this.

Dad, please, just... I'm gonna turn myself in.

What? Have you gone mad?

It won't be that bad.

Two, three years, tops.

Pretty boy like me might have his ups and downs, mind.

I could try and make a shank. Can we talk about this at home?

No, darling. I've gotta put a stop to this.

Take some responsibility, like you've always said.

But... No, no, I need to be a better dad - a proper dad -

before I end off driving us both off a cliff and then kaboom.

What? Dad, come on.

That's enough now. It's time for you to go home.

Dad... Emily, please.

Go.

Just go!

Oh, what're you doing back?

Sand Museum shut, was it?

Bit rude.

Oh, ow!

Oh, he tripped over my head!

I've got him.

I've got him!

Emily, what are you doing? It's the man.

What man? The man from the insurance company.

Emily. I am not losing you again, Dad.

Argh.

You're nicked, mate. And for the record, I do not have crabs...

..any more.

Can't believe I got him. Nice one, mate.

And...I've lost him.

Next stop, Peru, eh?

What's wrong with this bloody thing?

Is it not working?

Have you not been pedalling?

Should've recycled that. Oh!

All right, all right, all right.

Argh, well, it's stuck, innit?

Well, I know that.

Oh, please don't tell me we're adrift in this thing.

Great. Brilliant.

EMILY BREATHES HEAVILY

Let the tide do the work.

Ah, argh!

RAINFALL

Hey, it's quite ironic, this, when you think about it.

I'll drown you myself, Dad, I swear to God.

I'm just saying, it's quite amusing.

MUSIC: La Mer by Charles Trenet

Do you want a Polo?

No, I don't want a bloody Polo. No.

No, no, you're right. We should ration these.

Here, how hard do you think it is to catch a seagull?

Shut up. Shut up, shut up!

I'm just trying to be practical. You're not being practical.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media