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1
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,920
Stand back! We're going to break
the bloody door down!
2
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,600
Hang on, Trude.
3
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:26,160
Hiya. Police - can you open up,
please?
4
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,760
Don't say please.
5
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,120
Our baby's in there, I know she is.
6
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,680
Officers, if you happen to come
across a lawnmower...
7
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,800
There's someone behind that door.
8
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:37,160
RATTLING
Taser, Taser, Taser!
9
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:42,120
Can I help you?
10
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:44,640
Emmy? Emily! Morning, Miss.
11
00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:47,840
Can you confirm
you're the homeowner? Mm-hm.
12
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:50,880
Right. We have reports
of a disturbance.
13
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,560
Really? Oh, no, everything's fine.
14
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:59,080
Apologies. I have, in the heat of
the moment, Tasered your front door.
15
00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:04,640
Trude, it's Emily. You met last
night. Ah, yes, at Chino's, yes.
16
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:08,280
I observed you two exiting the scene
around 2300 hours,
17
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:11,120
and then...full intercourse?
18
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,520
Trude! No need to be coy.
19
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,240
I met a young gentleman
myself last night.
20
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,160
I see one male, large build,
circumcised.
21
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,000
Last seen escaping on foot.
22
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,160
Oh, Emily. I thought I'd lost you.
23
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,240
I thought you were locked out.
24
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:29,600
Leave her be, Derek.
Come to Jeannie.
25
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:32,520
Nuzzle, nuzzle. Jeannie, Jeannie,
Jeannie.
26
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,400
All right, madam.
27
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,680
Madam, please. It's a false alarm.
False alarm?
28
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,520
You never even looked at the bloody
lawnmower? You can back out!
29
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:42,600
Maybe she's being held hostage,
Derek.
30
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:45,360
Sweetie, blink once if you're being
held against your will.
31
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,800
Did she blink? I think she blunked.
Madam, would you mind stepping back?
32
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:54,280
If anything happens to her,
I will hunt you down.
33
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,640
Thanks for that.
34
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,400
Are you OK?
Do you want me to come in?
35
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,960
Check there are no strange men
lurking behind any doors?
36
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:07,760
Rah! Killer in the house!
IMITATES PSYCHO THEME
37
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,760
Sorry, that's not funny.
I'll be OK, thanks.
38
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:17,320
Don't suppose you fancy
going for a drink one evening?
39
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,600
I had a really good time last night.
Not just the...you know.
40
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:24,880
Did we actually? No. No.
41
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:29,120
Right, well, you were very
good at the other stuff.
42
00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,800
Bit of a pro if you ask me.
43
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,480
Sorry, no. I respect you as a woman.
44
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:41,440
Well done. Nathan, we've got a
donkey on the rampage in Fat Face.
45
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:45,280
Erm, could I have your number?
Yeah, all right.
46
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,920
RATTLING
Erm...
47
00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:52,440
OK. Yeah, I've got to go.
OK. Bye-bye.
48
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,200
Catch you later.
49
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,200
So that's him, is it? PC Pervert?
50
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,560
I've got a good mind to file
a complaint. Ach!
51
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:09,120
Ow, god!
GROANS
52
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:18,360
Do you like it? I've gone for a
little bit of an Egyptian theme.
53
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,480
SIGHS
54
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,360
Yargh!
55
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,760
Are you hungry?
I could fix you a Pot Noodle.
56
00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:34,240
It's good to see you, Emily.
It's been ages.
57
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,400
Look, I know this has all
been a bit of a shock
58
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,840
but one day we'll look back at it
and laugh. Ow!
59
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:43,000
I thought you were dead. Take more
than a pedalo to kill me off.
60
00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,480
Do you have any idea how many people
were looking for you?
61
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,400
The helicopters, the boats,
the whole bloody town?
62
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:52,520
Great turnout, hey? Hear about
Derek? He got his little dinghy out.
63
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:56,000
How did you even manage it?
Easier than you'd think.
64
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:59,200
Quick pedal out to sea,
little moonlight swim.
65
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:03,040
Spare pair of slacks in a bush -
back in time for Bake Off.
66
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,840
You're going to go to prison, Dad.
67
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,200
They're going to have to
catch me first. Ugh!
68
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:10,040
I had to do something, love.
I'm up to my eyeballs here.
69
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,760
So you did this. You're an idiot.
70
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,360
It's a really big pay-out.
We can split it.
71
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,280
All you have to do is reach out
and take your 10%.
72
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,280
Wow.
73
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,720
I swore to myself I would never
let you mess with my life again.
74
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,480
You're a complete narcissist.
Narcissist?
75
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,960
I haven't even once asked about the
memorial. Is there many going?
76
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,880
Shit, the memorial! Kenny will be
setting everything up. Ah.
77
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,360
Are you going to be saying a few
words? I'd have liked that.
78
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,520
My God, how is this happening?
All right. Breathe, breathe, Emily.
79
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,960
Daddy's here now.
That's the fucking problem!
80
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,600
Oi, language! Calm down.
81
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:49,280
I'll sort it all.
Trust in your old man.
82
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:53,320
I swear to God, as soon as these
things are off, I am out of here.
83
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,480
What are you doing? Thinking.
84
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,440
Hmm.
85
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:15,480
# Semi-conscious
Double vision
86
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,760
# Head is spinning
87
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:21,160
# Tell me how low can you go
88
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,200
# Oh, oh, pedalo... #
89
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,120
Right, guys. Could we gather round?
90
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,520
New trunks, Bob?
91
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:40,320
Yeah, well, you know, felt
appropriate. Look at us - A Team.
92
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:44,880
Let me hear you say "whoa". Whoa.
Whoa. Smashed it.
93
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,880
So, we are here today representing
my main man, Les Vegas.
94
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,800
Just wanted to...
BEATBOXES
95
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,360
..check in. Is he all right?
96
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,880
I've actually put on some banging
parties recently.
97
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,320
Did my birthday the other week,
proper mental.
98
00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:01,880
Massive tunes and my mum was sick
on her dog. Right, where are we at?
99
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,680
Bob - chairs? Done, and ready
for bums.
100
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:06,440
Terry Chino - entertainment.
101
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,400
We are here to put the fun into
the funeral. Rave into grave.
102
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,880
Right, so here's what I'm thinking
- 10 minutes of stand-up.
103
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:14,040
Little bit of blue.
Few words about Les. Boo-hoo.
104
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:17,480
Then hit them with a blast of Robbie
Williams's Angels - cue tears,
105
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,440
release the doves. Coo-coo.
106
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,720
Oh, my days! You've got the doves!
107
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:26,440
Of course we have! You know what
time it is? It's Chino time.
108
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:28,480
It's a good time, guaranteed.
109
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,920
Can you just check the list again?
110
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:41,560
Right, darling.
111
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,280
Slight problem -
112
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,280
looks like silly Mummy's forgotten
to put our names down.
113
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,720
Hey, how about some ice cream?
114
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:57,960
Let the saw do the work.
Don't force it.
115
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,560
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
116
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,360
Jeez, all right.
117
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,480
Thought you'd be a bit happier
to see me.
118
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:08,520
I am still officially dead. Right,
let's get one thing straight, Dad.
119
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,960
I'm not here for some
sodding reunion.
120
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,640
I never wanted to come back to
all this fake, tacky crap.
121
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:17,440
You used to live Sandylands!
Not Sandylands, you.
122
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,920
Look around you, Dad. It's like
a Pharaoh's man cave in here.
123
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,360
Can't wait to see what you've done
with the rest of the house.
124
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,360
Let me guess - ancient Rome?
You've been in my bedroom?
125
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:31,080
Do you know what? Do what you want.
You always have.
126
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,160
No wonder Mum left you.
127
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,200
That's a bit below the belt.
128
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,520
HESITATES
129
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:45,520
I wasn't perfect. But your mum was
no saint either, believe you me.
130
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,920
It was me that put a roof over your
head. Oh, well done.
131
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,800
Parent Of The Year award.
132
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,720
I looked after myself most of the
time while you were off
133
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:56,040
with your dickhead mates losing
money down your own dickhead arcade.
134
00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,360
How is that even possible?
I was a mess, Emily.
135
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:04,880
It was tough for me too, working
full-time, being a single mum...
136
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,680
The tears, the tantrums.
God, do you remember the Goth phase?
137
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,720
You got me through all of that.
138
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:20,040
Yeah, what about me, Dad?
You were never here for me.
139
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,080
Oh, God, why am I crying?
140
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:25,800
Come on, we were a team, you and me.
141
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:31,240
Spent whole summers together
down at that arcade. Working.
142
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:35,680
You had me manning the change
counter and glueing down 2ps
on the slot machines.
143
00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:38,720
You were the envy of every
kid around here,
144
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,720
playing Donkey Kong with the same
50p. I never wanted that.
145
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,760
Time crisis, then?
No, don't you get it?
146
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,680
I didn't want Les Vegas,
king of the fucking strip.
147
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:51,720
It's not even your real name.
Limesh Verma. That's my dad.
148
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,520
Two, two, one, two.
Two, one, two.
149
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:09,400
Check, check. RIP-P.
RIP, pedalo.
150
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:12,560
I tell you, Wayne,
everything's coming up Chino.
151
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:16,200
A gig like this, your tunes,
my talent. Now we're talking.
152
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:19,680
There's going to be fireworks.
I didn't get any fireworks, though.
153
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,960
Metaphorical fireworks, Wayne.
154
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,920
FLUTTERING
Jeez, what's that? It's the dove.
155
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,760
Probably just got
a bit of stage fright.
156
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,160
CAWS
157
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,640
That does not look like a dove.
It's a seagull.
158
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,360
A bird's a bird.
Just get the front row to squint.
159
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:40,640
That's it. That's it.
160
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:45,520
Two, two, one, two.
Two, two, one, two. Check, check.
161
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,560
What about Emily? Have you thought
about Emily? Please don't go.
162
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:56,440
Donna, please.
I don't even know how to cook.
163
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,600
Sorry about this. Just hurry up,
for God's sake.
164
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:25,280
All right, all right. It's not easy
with a dickie prostate, you know.
165
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:29,040
Can we talk about something else?
Like what? I don't know.
166
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,000
Heard from your mum? Barely.
167
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:35,720
If you do ever speak to her, can you
tell her my birthday's not in April?
168
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:42,880
Still living in London? Yep. Good.
Good for you. Got any friends?
169
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,080
Of course I've got friends,
for goodness' sake.
170
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,640
I'm living with my best mate, Tito.
Oh, you've got a dog?
171
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,480
It's a man's name,
and before you ask, he's gay, so...
172
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:56,040
Hey, that's cool. Yeah, it is.
173
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,320
I've got a studio flat.
174
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,520
Not the biggest place but it's
quite nice to be able to make toast
in bed.
175
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:05,960
When he uses the loo I just listen
to a podcast.
176
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,880
Jeez, Emily.
You need the money more than I do.
177
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,480
Listen, I've done all
the hard bit for you,
178
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,440
filled in all those boring
life insurance forms.
179
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:17,160
You're forging my signature now?
Give over!
180
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,480
It's nothing in the grand
scheme of things.
181
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,080
Still do that little heart
above the I, don't you?
182
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,080
Not since I was 12, you maniac.
183
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,640
TRICKLING
Oh, something is happening.
184
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,520
You might want to stick a podcast
on.
185
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:31,880
Oh! Oi, I'm mid flow, here. Aw!
186
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:48,120
Jeannie, your spread is coming
together. Thank you, Derek.
187
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:52,200
And the Bakewells are always a hit.
Yeah. Chipolatas look nice.
188
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:55,320
No, we're not open till four.
Listen, you.
189
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,240
We don't have any change and we
don't want our drive tarmacking,
190
00:11:58,280 --> 00:11:59,880
thank you very much.
191
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,480
Come on, no-one's going to miss
a Pringle.
192
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,560
I'm not afraid to prick a man.
193
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,560
Scroungers, hey?
194
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:26,720
It is not Chino time,
not for chipolatas.
195
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,480
No, no.
SIGHS
196
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:41,280
Bargain Hunt! Victorian codpiece...
197
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:46,240
I'll see you later, naughty
rat. There she is!
198
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,720
Shit! She's see me. Who?
Tina from school.
199
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,240
What did you invite her for?
Well, you were dead at the time.
200
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,080
She's supposed to be helping me get
ready for your sodding memorial.
201
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,120
What are you doing?
202
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,800
What? Beginner's luck.
You're a dick.
203
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,840
DOORBELL
Just hide.
204
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:12,800
Tina! Hi! You all right?
Private Booty arriving for duty.
205
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,080
What happened to you last night?
206
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,480
Naughty Nathan show you the long arm
of the law?
207
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:20,480
Did he cop a feel?
LAUGHS
208
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:25,600
I can't think of any others.
No. Nothing really happened.
209
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,200
Oh, come off it.
210
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,840
You had your tongue in his ear
when I was singing the Earth Song,
you dirty cow.
211
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:34,200
You gave him a lap dance
in the kebab house.
212
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,320
It was hilarious, I thought you were
going to get your pittas out.
213
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,200
I think you're misremembering, Tina.
214
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:43,080
Blooming heck, is that...
No!
215
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:47,400
Oh, well! Excuse the onesie,
I didn't want to crease the dress.
216
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,800
It's Dolce and Banana.
Oh, she's in!
217
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,760
Tina's in the house! You what?
218
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,680
# Tina's in the house! Woo! #
219
00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:00,720
You're mad, you are.
220
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,760
This is why we're best mates. Whoa!
221
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,960
Look at this place!
222
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,600
I'll say one thing about Les -
he had class.
223
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:17,440
He's still here, isn't he? What?
224
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:23,320
Les? Les, I know you're here.
225
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,280
Don't be scared.
226
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:28,680
I've got the gift, Emily.
I'm psychotic.
227
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:32,600
When I get a message from the great
beyond, I get a chill down my spine.
228
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,520
My nipples go freaking haywire.
229
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:38,480
Oh, is that a bar?
230
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,880
Whoa! Whoa!
231
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:47,720
We have Taboo! Do you fancy a cheeky
one? It's purely medicinal.
232
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:50,160
What? Yeah, yeah, go for it.
233
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:54,680
Tina, I'm just going to go and
check on something upstairs. Lovely!
234
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:02,720
Dad!
235
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,360
CRASHING
236
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,640
Dad, what are you doing?
Get out of there!
237
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,720
You have to get rid of her! Please,
Emily. Help your old man out.
238
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:05,160
Emily! Yeah?
239
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,920
You coming down or what?
240
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:12,000
I'm doing things with Drambuie
down here that are going to
blow your freaking mind, mate.
241
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,560
Down in a minute.
242
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,000
Shit. Just get in the loft. What?
Get in.
243
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:26,160
Take that smile off your face. I've
got to lie to an entire bloody town.
244
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,800
I'm going to be sick.
245
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,840
Listen, on the off chance -
246
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:33,760
could you take a few
snaps of your dad's memorial?
247
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,320
And if there is any cake...
I'm going. I'm going.
248
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,480
# Oh, I, I just
died in your arms tonight... #
249
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,720
And sausages on sticks. That's just
what I was about to do actually,
Derek.
250
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:09,520
We have some over there but, I mean,
anyone grazing around this area
is not going to see them.
251
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,280
Hello? Hello?
252
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,680
# Broken hearts lie all around me
253
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:33,880
# And I don't see an easy way
to get out of this... #
254
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:38,000
Just be careful that the stick
doesn't go all the way through the
sausage.
255
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:41,360
# Her diary,
it sits by the bedside table... #
256
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,240
Hey!
257
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,200
Cherry?
258
00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:51,200
# Who would've thought that
a boy like me could come to this?
259
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,000
# Whoa
260
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:57,400
# Oh, I, I just died
in your arms tonight
261
00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:01,040
# It must have been something
you said
262
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,720
# I just died in your arms tonight
263
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,160
# Oh
264
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:13,000
# I, I just died in your arms
tonight
265
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:17,000
# It must've been some kind of kiss
266
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,720
# I should've walked away
267
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,000
# I should've walked away... #
268
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,840
Sweating like a glass blower's arse,
here. You all right?
269
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,920
I've been less terrified. I'm still
not sure what I'm going to say.
270
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:43,200
It'll come to you. Just suck in your
gut and stick out that butt.
271
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,320
Showtime.
272
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,760
Does she look like she's lost
weight to you?
273
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:55,400
Sorry? Emily.
274
00:18:55,440 --> 00:19:01,520
She looks thin. My God, Derek,
do you think she's on the heroin?
275
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,440
We should test her urine. Derek.
276
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,160
She looks fine.
277
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,200
Has he moved? Who?
278
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,880
Just be careful that...
Jeannie, the vol-au-vents!
279
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,120
No! Ah! You scoundrel! Back!
280
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:30,000
It's a memorial as well!
May God smite thee down.
281
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,400
# One night, one night
282
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:38,360
# Oh, one night in heaven
283
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,040
# When you touch me... #
284
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,360
Nice trunks, Bob.
285
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,160
You're under arrest!
CHUCKLES
286
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,480
What are we arresting them for?
Joking, Trude. Sorry.
287
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:53,760
We thought we'd pop down,
pay our respects. Great.
288
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,400
Hello, hello, Nathan.
289
00:19:56,440 --> 00:20:00,640
I see one male, last seen absconding
through my bedroom window.
290
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:05,280
# Makes me feels so alive... #
291
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:09,440
OK, fade down. And cue Derek.
292
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:19,280
SQUEAKS "AMAZING GRACE"
293
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,240
POLITE APPLAUSE
294
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,800
It's Chino time.
295
00:20:55,440 --> 00:21:02,720
Now, we are all gathered here today
to say a fond farewell
296
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,360
to a very, very dear friend.
297
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:13,760
Look at that. Look at that. Hey?
298
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,320
Face only a mother could love. Hey?
299
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:20,560
In fact, when his mum used to
drop him off at school,
300
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:22,840
she used to get done for littering.
301
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:26,280
Eh? Chinos! Sorry for your loss.
302
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,920
Buffet is at four, mate.
303
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:36,520
I said to him, I said, "Oh, did you
think I asked for 12 inch pianist?"
304
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,840
TAPS MIC
305
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:45,120
Is this on? Because, you know...
That works!
306
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:53,080
Right, first up,
she's been away for eight years
307
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,280
but she's certainly
grown into her teeth.
308
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:58,480
It's Les's one and only daughter,
Emily.
309
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,520
POLITE APPLAUSE
Deep breaths, all right?
310
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,120
And if you start to panic,
just picture me naked, OK?
311
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:13,080
Thank you, thanks all for coming.
312
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:15,640
Big day, obviously. Emotional.
313
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:18,280
I mean, it's mad, isn't it?
One minute you're rowing a pedalo...
314
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,920
Do you row a pedalo? Or cycle?
God, is this it?
315
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,480
Yeah, I know, mate.
There's not even canapes.
316
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,880
Sorry. Bit nervous.
317
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:33,440
I did actually find something.
I wrote this when I was little.
318
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:39,720
Today we went down to the beach,
just my dad and me
319
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:44,080
He bought me loads of ice cream
then we both swam in the sea
320
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:49,200
He put on silly voices
and dug a massive hole...
321
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,600
Sorry.
322
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,760
And Dad and me played football
and I saved every goal...
323
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,960
SNIFFS
324
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,200
We paddled in a rockpool
325
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:03,920
And I caught a great big crab
326
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:09,200
And that's why I'm really happy
that he'll always be my...
327
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:12,160
..wanker!
GASPS
328
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:17,720
Scavengers! Scavengers! Get away!
Get away from the table!
329
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:21,040
Every bloody week. Get away,
get away!
330
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:24,440
Let's do this, Wayne.
We're losing them.
331
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,280
I've got him. Citizen's arrest.
Argh! Argh!
332
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:31,520
# And through it all she offers me
protection
333
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:36,040
# A lot of love and affection
334
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:38,920
# Whether I'm right or wrong... #
335
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,320
He's got handfuls of pork pie.
Come on, in a line, now!
336
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,280
Hoods and masks off.
I want to see faces.
337
00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,040
I will take you down,
I swear to God.
338
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:52,640
They're having none of it, Wayne.
Whoa there, My Little Pony.
339
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:56,160
I won't tell you again. Take it off.
Release the bloody seagull.
340
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,720
It's dead! Just chuck it anyway.
341
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,440
Taser, Taser, Taser!
342
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,240
GASPS
My baby!
343
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,800
My mousse!
344
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,040
Dad!
345
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,000
Dad, where are you?
346
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:50,960
Hi. What the hell are you playing
at? I was just looking at this.
347
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:54,200
The three of us together. It's a
good one of your mum, isn't it?
348
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:08,720
You know, when I first met your mum,
she was supporting
Bobby Davro down at the Palace.
349
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,640
Took me ages to pluck up
the courage to say hello.
350
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,880
Turns out he's a nice guy.
For God's sake!
351
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,440
We never planned on being parents.
352
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:28,680
Suddenly one day, I got this weird
little wrinkly thing in my hands,
353
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:30,360
screaming up at me.
354
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:36,520
I barely knew which end was which.
But we muddled through.
355
00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:42,480
I knew your mum was struggling.
356
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,640
But you can't pin talent
like that down.
357
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:52,080
So when the cruise ships came
calling, she made her choice.
358
00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:54,920
I made mine.
359
00:25:57,560 --> 00:25:59,360
I know I've messed up.
360
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:06,000
But I've always loved you, Emily.
More than anything.
361
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:12,320
Whatever I said, whatever I did...
362
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,160
..I didn't mean it.
363
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:19,280
# I just want you back... #
Dad, please! OK.
364
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,440
I'll stick a Pot Noodle on.
365
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:34,000
SOBBING
There, there, Jeannie. There, there.
366
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:40,840
Feathers in my mackerel mousse,
Derek! Feathers!
367
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:43,360
Come on, people managed
to pick around it.
368
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:50,600
BELL RINGS
369
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:54,160
Duty calls.
370
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:07,760
Welcome to Swallows By The Sea
B&B. I'm Derek Swallows.
371
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:11,880
Please don't make fun of my name.
I'd like a room, please.
372
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,520
Jeannie.
373
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:19,960
Jeannie. Jeannie!
She's just coming.
374
00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:24,360
Banana water?
375
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:29,440
Did you find out about us online?
376
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,880
Because people do exaggerate
about the smell in room three,
377
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:37,960
but if you do abuse a Saniflo
toilet, it will bite back.
378
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,880
We have a little poem, actually.
It helps people understand.
379
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:43,920
Yes, just a bit of fun.
Take it from the top, Jeannie.
380
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:48,600
Do not put anything down the loo
that does not originate from you.
381
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:52,720
Toilet paper is OK too
but other things are quite taboo.
382
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:58,520
We tried putting this oh, so nicely
as fixing it was oh, so pricey.
383
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:02,080
Ask if you want to hear it plain,
we don't want to call
the plumber again.
384
00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:04,240
THEY CHUCKLE
385
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:09,280
We do have a laugh here at Swallows
By The Sea B&B. We really do!
386
00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:11,400
LAUGHING DIES DOWN
387
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:15,800
Here's room three.
388
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,080
Here's your key, don't lose it.
389
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:25,080
And here's a copy of the poem.
It's laminated.
390
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:29,880
Are you here for business or
pleasure? Oh, business.
391
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,320
Always business.
392
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:41,160
# How low can you go?
393
00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:45,080
# Pedalo
394
00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:48,880
# How low can you go?
395
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:06,840
# Pedalo. #
396
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:08,880
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