Original subtitles

Stand back! We're going to break the bloody door down!

Hang on, Trude.

Hiya. Police - can you open up, please?

Don't say please.

Our baby's in there, I know she is.

Officers, if you happen to come across a lawnmower...

There's someone behind that door.

RATTLING Taser, Taser, Taser!

Can I help you?

Emmy? Emily! Morning, Miss.

Can you confirm you're the homeowner? Mm-hm.

Right. We have reports of a disturbance.

Really? Oh, no, everything's fine.

Apologies. I have, in the heat of the moment, Tasered your front door.

Trude, it's Emily. You met last night. Ah, yes, at Chino's, yes.

I observed you two exiting the scene around 2300 hours,

and then...full intercourse?

Trude! No need to be coy.

I met a young gentleman myself last night.

I see one male, large build, circumcised.

Last seen escaping on foot.

Oh, Emily. I thought I'd lost you.

I thought you were locked out.

Leave her be, Derek. Come to Jeannie.

Nuzzle, nuzzle. Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie.

All right, madam.

Madam, please. It's a false alarm. False alarm?

You never even looked at the bloody lawnmower? You can back out!

Maybe she's being held hostage, Derek.

Sweetie, blink once if you're being held against your will.

Did she blink? I think she blunked. Madam, would you mind stepping back?

If anything happens to her, I will hunt you down.

Thanks for that.

Are you OK? Do you want me to come in?

Check there are no strange men lurking behind any doors?

Rah! Killer in the house! IMITATES PSYCHO THEME

Sorry, that's not funny. I'll be OK, thanks.

Don't suppose you fancy going for a drink one evening?

I had a really good time last night. Not just the...you know.

Did we actually? No. No.

Right, well, you were very good at the other stuff.

Bit of a pro if you ask me.

Sorry, no. I respect you as a woman.

Well done. Nathan, we've got a donkey on the rampage in Fat Face.

Erm, could I have your number? Yeah, all right.

RATTLING Erm...

OK. Yeah, I've got to go. OK. Bye-bye.

Catch you later.

So that's him, is it? PC Pervert?

I've got a good mind to file a complaint. Ach!

Ow, god! GROANS

Do you like it? I've gone for a little bit of an Egyptian theme.

SIGHS

Yargh!

Are you hungry? I could fix you a Pot Noodle.

It's good to see you, Emily. It's been ages.

Look, I know this has all been a bit of a shock

but one day we'll look back at it and laugh. Ow!

I thought you were dead. Take more than a pedalo to kill me off.

Do you have any idea how many people were looking for you?

The helicopters, the boats, the whole bloody town?

Great turnout, hey? Hear about Derek? He got his little dinghy out.

How did you even manage it? Easier than you'd think.

Quick pedal out to sea, little moonlight swim.

Spare pair of slacks in a bush - back in time for Bake Off.

You're going to go to prison, Dad.

They're going to have to catch me first. Ugh!

I had to do something, love. I'm up to my eyeballs here.

So you did this. You're an idiot.

It's a really big pay-out. We can split it.

All you have to do is reach out and take your 10%.

Wow.

I swore to myself I would never let you mess with my life again.

You're a complete narcissist. Narcissist?

I haven't even once asked about the memorial. Is there many going?

Shit, the memorial! Kenny will be setting everything up. Ah.

Are you going to be saying a few words? I'd have liked that.

My God, how is this happening? All right. Breathe, breathe, Emily.

Daddy's here now. That's the fucking problem!

Oi, language! Calm down.

I'll sort it all. Trust in your old man.

I swear to God, as soon as these things are off, I am out of here.

What are you doing? Thinking.

Hmm.

# Semi-conscious Double vision

# Head is spinning

# Tell me how low can you go

# Oh, oh, pedalo... #

Right, guys. Could we gather round?

New trunks, Bob?

Yeah, well, you know, felt appropriate. Look at us - A Team.

Let me hear you say "whoa". Whoa. Whoa. Smashed it.

So, we are here today representing my main man, Les Vegas.

Just wanted to... BEATBOXES

..check in. Is he all right?

I've actually put on some banging parties recently.

Did my birthday the other week, proper mental.

Massive tunes and my mum was sick on her dog. Right, where are we at?

Bob - chairs? Done, and ready for bums.

Terry Chino - entertainment.

We are here to put the fun into the funeral. Rave into grave.

Right, so here's what I'm thinking - 10 minutes of stand-up.

Little bit of blue. Few words about Les. Boo-hoo.

Then hit them with a blast of Robbie Williams's Angels - cue tears,

release the doves. Coo-coo.

Oh, my days! You've got the doves!

Of course we have! You know what time it is? It's Chino time.

It's a good time, guaranteed.

Can you just check the list again?

Right, darling.

Slight problem -

looks like silly Mummy's forgotten to put our names down.

Hey, how about some ice cream?

Let the saw do the work. Don't force it.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Jeez, all right.

Thought you'd be a bit happier to see me.

I am still officially dead. Right, let's get one thing straight, Dad.

I'm not here for some sodding reunion.

I never wanted to come back to all this fake, tacky crap.

You used to live Sandylands! Not Sandylands, you.

Look around you, Dad. It's like a Pharaoh's man cave in here.

Can't wait to see what you've done with the rest of the house.

Let me guess - ancient Rome? You've been in my bedroom?

Do you know what? Do what you want. You always have.

No wonder Mum left you.

That's a bit below the belt.

HESITATES

I wasn't perfect. But your mum was no saint either, believe you me.

It was me that put a roof over your head. Oh, well done.

Parent Of The Year award.

I looked after myself most of the time while you were off

with your dickhead mates losing money down your own dickhead arcade.

How is that even possible? I was a mess, Emily.

It was tough for me too, working full-time, being a single mum...

The tears, the tantrums. God, do you remember the Goth phase?

You got me through all of that.

Yeah, what about me, Dad? You were never here for me.

Oh, God, why am I crying?

Come on, we were a team, you and me.

Spent whole summers together down at that arcade. Working.

You had me manning the change counter and glueing down 2ps on the slot machines.

You were the envy of every kid around here,

playing Donkey Kong with the same 50p. I never wanted that.

Time crisis, then? No, don't you get it?

I didn't want Les Vegas, king of the fucking strip.

It's not even your real name. Limesh Verma. That's my dad.

Two, two, one, two. Two, one, two.

Check, check. RIP-P. RIP, pedalo.

I tell you, Wayne, everything's coming up Chino.

A gig like this, your tunes, my talent. Now we're talking.

There's going to be fireworks. I didn't get any fireworks, though.

Metaphorical fireworks, Wayne.

FLUTTERING Jeez, what's that? It's the dove.

Probably just got a bit of stage fright.

CAWS

That does not look like a dove. It's a seagull.

A bird's a bird. Just get the front row to squint.

That's it. That's it.

Two, two, one, two. Two, two, one, two. Check, check.

What about Emily? Have you thought about Emily? Please don't go.

Donna, please. I don't even know how to cook.

Sorry about this. Just hurry up, for God's sake.

All right, all right. It's not easy with a dickie prostate, you know.

Can we talk about something else? Like what? I don't know.

Heard from your mum? Barely.

If you do ever speak to her, can you tell her my birthday's not in April?

Still living in London? Yep. Good. Good for you. Got any friends?

Of course I've got friends, for goodness' sake.

I'm living with my best mate, Tito. Oh, you've got a dog?

It's a man's name, and before you ask, he's gay, so...

Hey, that's cool. Yeah, it is.

I've got a studio flat.

Not the biggest place but it's quite nice to be able to make toast in bed.

When he uses the loo I just listen to a podcast.

Jeez, Emily. You need the money more than I do.

Listen, I've done all the hard bit for you,

filled in all those boring life insurance forms.

You're forging my signature now? Give over!

It's nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Still do that little heart above the I, don't you?

Not since I was 12, you maniac.

TRICKLING Oh, something is happening.

You might want to stick a podcast on.

Oh! Oi, I'm mid flow, here. Aw!

Jeannie, your spread is coming together. Thank you, Derek.

And the Bakewells are always a hit. Yeah. Chipolatas look nice.

No, we're not open till four. Listen, you.

We don't have any change and we don't want our drive tarmacking,

thank you very much.

Come on, no-one's going to miss a Pringle.

I'm not afraid to prick a man.

Scroungers, hey?

It is not Chino time, not for chipolatas.

No, no. SIGHS

Bargain Hunt! Victorian codpiece...

I'll see you later, naughty rat. There she is!

Shit! She's see me. Who? Tina from school.

What did you invite her for? Well, you were dead at the time.

She's supposed to be helping me get ready for your sodding memorial.

What are you doing?

What? Beginner's luck. You're a dick.

DOORBELL Just hide.

Tina! Hi! You all right? Private Booty arriving for duty.

What happened to you last night?

Naughty Nathan show you the long arm of the law?

Did he cop a feel? LAUGHS

I can't think of any others. No. Nothing really happened.

Oh, come off it.

You had your tongue in his ear when I was singing the Earth Song, you dirty cow.

You gave him a lap dance in the kebab house.

It was hilarious, I thought you were going to get your pittas out.

I think you're misremembering, Tina.

Blooming heck, is that... No!

Oh, well! Excuse the onesie, I didn't want to crease the dress.

It's Dolce and Banana. Oh, she's in!

Tina's in the house! You what?

# Tina's in the house! Woo! #

You're mad, you are.

This is why we're best mates. Whoa!

Look at this place!

I'll say one thing about Les - he had class.

He's still here, isn't he? What?

Les? Les, I know you're here.

Don't be scared.

I've got the gift, Emily. I'm psychotic.

When I get a message from the great beyond, I get a chill down my spine.

My nipples go freaking haywire.

Oh, is that a bar?

Whoa! Whoa!

We have Taboo! Do you fancy a cheeky one? It's purely medicinal.

What? Yeah, yeah, go for it.

Tina, I'm just going to go and check on something upstairs. Lovely!

Dad!

CRASHING

Dad, what are you doing? Get out of there!

You have to get rid of her! Please, Emily. Help your old man out.

Emily! Yeah?

You coming down or what?

I'm doing things with Drambuie down here that are going to blow your freaking mind, mate.

Down in a minute.

Shit. Just get in the loft. What? Get in.

Take that smile off your face. I've got to lie to an entire bloody town.

I'm going to be sick.

Listen, on the off chance -

could you take a few snaps of your dad's memorial?

And if there is any cake... I'm going. I'm going.

# Oh, I, I just died in your arms tonight... #

And sausages on sticks. That's just what I was about to do actually, Derek.

We have some over there but, I mean, anyone grazing around this area is not going to see them.

Hello? Hello?

# Broken hearts lie all around me

# And I don't see an easy way to get out of this... #

Just be careful that the stick doesn't go all the way through the sausage.

# Her diary, it sits by the bedside table... #

Hey!

Cherry?

# Who would've thought that a boy like me could come to this?

# Whoa

# Oh, I, I just died in your arms tonight

# It must have been something you said

# I just died in your arms tonight

# Oh

# I, I just died in your arms tonight

# It must've been some kind of kiss

# I should've walked away

# I should've walked away... #

Sweating like a glass blower's arse, here. You all right?

I've been less terrified. I'm still not sure what I'm going to say.

It'll come to you. Just suck in your gut and stick out that butt.

Showtime.

Does she look like she's lost weight to you?

Sorry? Emily.

She looks thin. My God, Derek, do you think she's on the heroin?

We should test her urine. Derek.

She looks fine.

Has he moved? Who?

Just be careful that... Jeannie, the vol-au-vents!

No! Ah! You scoundrel! Back!

It's a memorial as well! May God smite thee down.

# One night, one night

# Oh, one night in heaven

# When you touch me... #

Nice trunks, Bob.

You're under arrest! CHUCKLES

What are we arresting them for? Joking, Trude. Sorry.

We thought we'd pop down, pay our respects. Great.

Hello, hello, Nathan.

I see one male, last seen absconding through my bedroom window.

# Makes me feels so alive... #

OK, fade down. And cue Derek.

SQUEAKS "AMAZING GRACE"

POLITE APPLAUSE

It's Chino time.

Now, we are all gathered here today to say a fond farewell

to a very, very dear friend.

Look at that. Look at that. Hey?

Face only a mother could love. Hey?

In fact, when his mum used to drop him off at school,

she used to get done for littering.

Eh? Chinos! Sorry for your loss.

Buffet is at four, mate.

I said to him, I said, "Oh, did you think I asked for 12 inch pianist?"

TAPS MIC

Is this on? Because, you know... That works!

Right, first up, she's been away for eight years

but she's certainly grown into her teeth.

It's Les's one and only daughter, Emily.

POLITE APPLAUSE Deep breaths, all right?

And if you start to panic, just picture me naked, OK?

Thank you, thanks all for coming.

Big day, obviously. Emotional.

I mean, it's mad, isn't it? One minute you're rowing a pedalo...

Do you row a pedalo? Or cycle? God, is this it?

Yeah, I know, mate. There's not even canapes.

Sorry. Bit nervous.

I did actually find something. I wrote this when I was little.

Today we went down to the beach, just my dad and me

He bought me loads of ice cream then we both swam in the sea

He put on silly voices and dug a massive hole...

Sorry.

And Dad and me played football and I saved every goal...

SNIFFS

We paddled in a rockpool

And I caught a great big crab

And that's why I'm really happy that he'll always be my...

..wanker! GASPS

Scavengers! Scavengers! Get away! Get away from the table!

Every bloody week. Get away, get away!

Let's do this, Wayne. We're losing them.

I've got him. Citizen's arrest. Argh! Argh!

# And through it all she offers me protection

# A lot of love and affection

# Whether I'm right or wrong... #

He's got handfuls of pork pie. Come on, in a line, now!

Hoods and masks off. I want to see faces.

I will take you down, I swear to God.

They're having none of it, Wayne. Whoa there, My Little Pony.

I won't tell you again. Take it off. Release the bloody seagull.

It's dead! Just chuck it anyway.

Taser, Taser, Taser!

GASPS My baby!

My mousse!

Dad!

Dad, where are you?

Hi. What the hell are you playing at? I was just looking at this.

The three of us together. It's a good one of your mum, isn't it?

You know, when I first met your mum, she was supporting Bobby Davro down at the Palace.

Took me ages to pluck up the courage to say hello.

Turns out he's a nice guy. For God's sake!

We never planned on being parents.

Suddenly one day, I got this weird little wrinkly thing in my hands,

screaming up at me.

I barely knew which end was which. But we muddled through.

I knew your mum was struggling.

But you can't pin talent like that down.

So when the cruise ships came calling, she made her choice.

I made mine.

I know I've messed up.

But I've always loved you, Emily. More than anything.

Whatever I said, whatever I did...

..I didn't mean it.

# I just want you back... # Dad, please! OK.

I'll stick a Pot Noodle on.

SOBBING There, there, Jeannie. There, there.

Feathers in my mackerel mousse, Derek! Feathers!

Come on, people managed to pick around it.

BELL RINGS

Duty calls.

Welcome to Swallows By The Sea B&B. I'm Derek Swallows.

Please don't make fun of my name. I'd like a room, please.

Jeannie.

Jeannie. Jeannie! She's just coming.

Banana water?

Did you find out about us online?

Because people do exaggerate about the smell in room three,

but if you do abuse a Saniflo toilet, it will bite back.

We have a little poem, actually. It helps people understand.

Yes, just a bit of fun. Take it from the top, Jeannie.

Do not put anything down the loo that does not originate from you.

Toilet paper is OK too but other things are quite taboo.

We tried putting this oh, so nicely as fixing it was oh, so pricey.

Ask if you want to hear it plain, we don't want to call the plumber again.

THEY CHUCKLE

We do have a laugh here at Swallows By The Sea B&B. We really do!

LAUGHING DIES DOWN

Here's room three.

Here's your key, don't lose it.

And here's a copy of the poem. It's laminated.

Are you here for business or pleasure? Oh, business.

Always business.

# How low can you go?

# Pedalo

# How low can you go?

# Pedalo. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media