Original subtitles

# La la la la la la la la la la la la

# La la la la la la la la la la la la

Pat! Taking out 13.

Bit late, innit, Les?

Want to get out for that sunset. Meant to be a beauty.

Here, wouldn't mind doing my back?

Would do, but sand everywhere. Ho-ho, tell me about it!

# When she looks at me and laughs

# I remind her of the facts

# I'm the king of rock 'n' roll, completely! #

METAL DETECTOR BEEPS SOFTLY

STATION ANNOUCEMENT: Just arrived at platform two,

the 4:15 train to Sandylands.

Jesus! Never heard of trousers? Hello, hello! Welcome to Sandylands!

This you? No, this is a taxi! Ha-ha ha! Down from London, is it?

What a shit hole!

Where are we off to, then? Seaview Court.

Well, that'll be 30 English pounds. What?! Seems a lot.

Well, it's a tenner for you, tenner for the bags,

and, er, another tenner.

Urgh. All right, suit yourself.

Emily!

Emily Verma? I don't believe it!

It's me! It's Tina Taylor.

It's Tine. You're Gary Taylor's sister! Yes, you guessed it!

Wasn't he expelled for holding a dinner lady hostage?

SHE LAUGHS Classic Gaz!

They're married now. Cor blimey!

Blast from the past alert!

You've really grown into your teeth. What are you doing?

I'm trying to get a cab. Oh, don't worry about that, mate!

Last tour of the day, I'll take you.

# I'm horny, horny, horny, horny!

# So horny, I'm...

# Horny, horny, horny tonight! #

Right, welcome to Sandylands Tours. Come rain, come shine, just come!

I'm Tina Taylor, and I'm going to be your gorgeous guide for the day! OK.

Who would like a travel sweet?

Listen, I heard about your dad, by the way. It was in all the papers.

Proper mad. He'd have enjoyed the attention.

Do you know, to think one minute you can be out on a pedalo without

a care in the world and then... Donkeys!

You must be right upset.

I'm OK. We kind of drifted apart a bit, really. Aw.

Life can be a right busy bitch, can't it? Yeah.

And he was quite a selfish prick, so... Blimey!

You don't mince your beef, do you?

So, what are you up to these days, then? Oh! This and that.

Living in London still. Hold on. Beach! London, eh?

Cor blimey, you must shit avocados!

What are you doing, are you doing something proper exciting?

Just trying to get my pottery out there, you know? It's tough.

I'm doing some pretty ambitious things with clay. Oh, good for you.

Good for you. You know, people will always need an ashtray, won't they?

Dodgems!

Are you back for long? Just for the memorial. Then back to civilisation!

Right. I've just moved in with my best mate Tito, actually.

He's gay, so it's really great.

I love the gays!

My God, we had Pride here last summer.

Me and Tattoo Dave, doing Abba Gold on the back of a forklift.

Glitter everywhere! Great!

Aw, do you know, it's not going to be the same round here

without your dad.

I used to love playing down his arcade.

It's where I got a go on the cutest boy from school!

Nathan Wylde? What?!

No, seriously! Nathan Wylde!

No, I just mean, we just got on, ages ago now.

He's sweet. Oh, God no! No, no.

Danny Richards. He was bloody gorgeous, wasn't he?

Shame about that.

And it stunk. Face painting!

Hey, look at that!

£5, that's daylight robbery!

Oh, all right. Shall we do a tiger? Yeah!

Here you are, pet. Oh, right, thanks. Here, give us your number.

Tell you what, it's karaoke down Chino's tomorrow night.

We should go. Two-for-one on fish bowls. Red Bull on tap.

You're going to bloody love it!

God, Chino's! Come on, it'll be fun. Oh, I don't know.

It's not really my thing. What?

Life's too short to be a dick about it, mate! Carpet diem.

It means "seize the day". Right.

Right, are we on, then? Erm, maybe. Booyah! I'll text you tomorrow.

I've got to get this lot down Dreamboys On Ice

before all hell breaks loose.

Who's ready for more pricks than a second-hand dartboard?

# I'm horny, horny, horny, horny!

# So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny! #

Bloody hell.

LABOURED BREATHING

Jeannie, the chair. Go, go, go!

What are you doing?! Calling the police!

We've got a hose, and we're not afraid to use it!

Give her a warning shot, Derek. It's OK, it's Emily.

Les's daughter.

Oh, well get the bloody chair! Oh, my goodness! I'm so, so sorry.

Lovey, we didn't mean to startle you! Sorry, lovey.

We were just doing our bit for the old Neighbourhood Watch.

Empty house like this is catnip to a smack head. You're OK, you're OK.

Proprietor of Swallows by the Sea B&B, Derek Swallows.

Please don't make fun of my name.

Oh, we were so shocked to hear about your daddy. Oh, terrible business.

We're doing the catering for the memorial.

Jeannie does a spread, no man goes hungry.

I hope you like mackerel mousse. Quite the character, was Les.

Didn't always see eye to eye.

Lent him my lawnmower, if you do happen to come across it... Derek!

She's only just got home!

Oh, you're so beautiful, aren't you? Jeannie always wanted a little girl.

We were never blessed.

God in his infinite wisdom gave me an upside down womb

and a blast proof hymen.

Oh! Oh! Jeannie...

Jeannie, Jeannie. Jeannie!

Oh, if there's anything we can do to help, anything at all.

Yeah, just pop your head over the fence and shout, Derek Swallows!

Actually, I don't suppose you know a decent locksmith? Yeah, I do.

Dougie. Good pal of mine.

Always helping out with my sticky back door. Yes, swells in the heat.

He even managed to fix my front flap. The cats have free rein now.

I'll ring him.

Oh, I've just remembered, he's away. Are you sure?

I only just spoke to him. No, I'm absolutely positive.

Oh, I've got an idea. Why don't you come and live with us?

Stay! I mean, stay. Oh. Really? Of course!

We are a bed-and-breakfast, after all!

It's 40 quid a night and check out's at 11.

Date of birth? 17th October '94.

Place of birth? Sandylands.

Cucumber water? Oh! So it is. Hold that.

Here you go. Oh, my God. It's so camp!

My friend Tito would love this! The People's Princess. We're big fans.

Derek likes me to wear my hair just like her.

I don't know why, but I find it strangely arousing.

Room number four. Here's your key. Don't lose it!

And welcome to Swallows by the Sea! And don't forget to swallow...

your cucumber water!

We do like to have a laugh here. We do! We do!

Drink up, drink up!

Channel 48. Channel 49.

50's your Russia Today and then you're knee deep in Nigerian soaps.

Awful woman, that one!

I brought you some fresh towels, like an Alpine meadow smell.

And if you want to borrow any clothes,

I've got some undies on a boil wash. Oh, no, no. I'm fine.

Oh, you don't look fine.

It must have been terrible not knowing where your daddy was

all that time.

You get used to it. Don't trust her, man, she's playing you like a fool!

I really liked Les.

We were heartbroken when they called off the search.

Everybody got involved. Derek even got his little dinghy out.

Oh, they're related. This is loopy! Now then. Breakfast.

How do you like your eggs? Oh, actually, I'm a bit of a vegan.

Can you have a little bit of bacon? Yeah, go on, then. Right.

Towels sorted. You've got your water over there.

Just got to turn the bed down and maybe read you a little story?

Oh, actually, I'm going to hit the old hay!

Got to get up early, check in at Dad's arcade. Are you sure? Jeannie!

Give the girl a bit of space! Now, budge up. This is getting good!

TV: The man who you think is your father is not your father!

Nooo!

Look, I'm not saying that, Donna. Well, what are you saying?

It's a long time, is all, isn't it? For God's sake, Les! You'll survive.

All right, love? Just having a little talk with... Mummy.

Another go?

Giddy-up!

Of course, of course I'm pleased for you. I'll be all right.

But you know, what about Emily?

Emily...

Emily...

Emily...

Emily!

What? What's going on? It's your wake-up call!

It's 11am! You look so lovely lying there, like a windy princess.

Good morning. Rise and shine!

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

# Pull him away

# Jealous so with me

# Go there for new

# For new things there

# Singing of a famous street

# I want to love, I've all the wrong glory

# But is it Heaven or Las Vegas? #

Give me all your tokens! Oh, my God. Please don't hurt me.

What's that?

Back up. Back up, man. Back up! Kenny, it's me. Emily. Emily! Emily!

I can't believe you still work here!

I ain't giving up this sweet arse job! Unlimited gaming, £5 an hour.

Man's living like a king! Oh, by the way, I made a couple of changes.

I put the shooters in chronological order,

and I stuck a condom machine next to the Love Tester.

A few more tweaks, and we could start breaking even in here! Great!

Sorry for not getting here sooner. It's been a bit mad.

Yeah, I get it. Crazy times. But everything's under control. Thanks.

I'm really sorry for your loss, Emily. Les was a total ledge.

Is Dad's office still...? Yeah.

Still a bit of a mess, mind, since the fire. What fire?

Did you not hear? Madness.

I was just locking up, yeah,

when I saw smoke coming from under the office door.

I was like, no way! Fire! Man's got to get out.

I went for my keys, but I'd left them in the grabber

when I was screwing down the Minions.

I full-on did a super Commando roll.

Paused that video, stopped playing for my life.

Down went the claw, but no dice. I try again. Slowly, this time.

She slips. Smoke was like everywhere. Proper thick.

Even for me, and I vape big clouds.

I thought, this is it, game over for Kenny.

Next thing I knew, Les had dragged me outside, and I pissed myself.

Right. So, I'll be in the office.

All right, yeah. Nice seeing you, Emily.

It's Emily, man!

# Is like any good playing card

# Must be why I'm thinking of Las Vegas

# Why it's more brighter than the sun is to me... #

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello? Emily, it's Derek Swallows, Swallows by the Sea B&B.

Ask her what time she's coming home.

Emily, Jeannie and I are keen to confirm a dinner reservation

with us tonight. Say 6:45 for 7. Tell her it's her favourite.

Ask her what her favourite is.

Yes, well, I mean, we were thinking we'd have drinks

and nuts at 6:45 and then... Let me talk to her, Derek.

I'm talking to her. Let me talk to her.

I'm actually speaking to her right now. Sorry. Sorry, Emily, sorry.

Sorry, I'm catching up with an old friend tonight. Sorry! Bye!

Hello? DIAL TONE

Oh, she's gone.

Look what you've done, you silly woman, we're all tangled up!

Sorry I'm late, babes. Our Craig's in A&E.

Got his tackle caught up in a Dyson. My mum is in bits.

I wouldn't mind, but the same thing happened to Dad last week.

It's fine.

It's nice, isn't it? Yeah. It is, actually. Know what they say?

Red sky at night, shepherd's pie.

Right. Chino's?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's karaoke night!

So please welcome Talent Quest '88 quarterfinalist

and cleared of all outstanding charges,

it is Terry Chino and the lovely Magda!

She's been deported! Just Terry.

Welcome!

# Don't go breaking my heart

# Oh, honey, if I get restless

# You take the weight off of me... #

Soup of the day, Madame! Wow! That's very...green.

Yeah, they call it Kermit's mess.

You get your picture on the wall if you can keep down three. Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

You all right, Emily, love? You've a face like a wet towel.

Tina, did you know my dad? You what? My dad, did you know him?

Yeah, of course. He was a local legend. Everybody liked Les. Yeah.

Not sure if I did. Barely ever saw him. Christmas, the odd birthday.

You know, sometimes he'd just turn up at my flat,

always had to be this big surprise and I'd have to drop everything.

After a while, I stopped returning his calls.

I just couldn't be bothered. Babes, that's totally understandable.

So why do I miss him so fucking much now? Oh, darling!

Darling, come here. Come here.

You've done a right proper snot bubble, though.

I just can't believe he's gone, Tina.

Right, you're dribbling now, OK? All right?

And go again. Good girl. Very good. OK. Good girl.

I'll have one after I've finished this. Half a lager.

# Oh, oh, nobody knows it

# Nobody knows it

# When I was down... #

Wind it on. Thank you, thank you.

That's right, it is karaoke night tonight.

So form an orderly queue, give your names to Wayne,

and you could be stood where I'm stood.

But first, time to hit you with another beauty from yours truly.

# Especially for you

Are you taking the piss?

# And if dreams were wings, you know I would have flown... #

Listen. You've got to keep those chins up, darling. All right?

Because time? Shit beautician, great healer.

I don't know what I'm going to be like at this bloody memorial.

I've got to do a speech.

Well, if you fancy it, I'll come down with you, eh?

Give you a little shoulder pad to cry on. Really? Of course.

Right, now stick those straws in your gob

and let's get you on that bloody wall, please!

Thank you!

Mmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Mmmmm! Mmmm!

THEY GIGGLE

# ..you too... #

Bear with!

We've got a technical problem.

So remember, it is two-for-one all night

of the beautiful fishbowl cocktails.

Fill your boots. But don't, please, block the toilet.

Wayne? What? What are you doing to me? I'm on my arse up there!

Is this about Magda? No. It weren't me that got her deported.

And the fact that she asked for a cut on the door has

absolutely nothing to do with this. All right, all right.

Hey, come here, you big baby! Look, I know you liked her.

There's plenty more fish in the sea.

Eh?

It's Wayne and Terry, isn't it? Terry and Wayne.

Hey, what time is it?

Chino time. Uh-uh. What time is it?

It's Chino time! Good time guaranteed!

Now, you give me five minutes, line me up a banger.

Let's raise the roof off this place!

I am about to... I'll do a bant in my pants!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You'll never guess who's here.

It's only Nathan bloody Wylde! You are joking! I texted him.

You did what? Tina! Oh, come on, fizzy knickers!

You're telling me you couldn't do with a little game

of human Tetris, eh?

Oh, God, is here now? Uh-huh. Standing by the bar.

He literally keeps looking over. It's very weird.

She's looking, she's looking! All right, calm down!

Have a swig and give her a wink. Ah! Aaagh!

Would you stop dicking about!

Oh, God, he's coming over. OK. Relax, relax, relax. Relax, relax.

Emily! Remember me?

Nathan. Tina said you were in town.

Sorry, got a prick in my eye.

Oh! No. Erm, not like a penis.

Nathan, hi. How's it going? Yeah, OK.

Just out with some mates from work.

I say mates...

Well, I suppose it's about time we let you bloody amateurs

have a go, eh?! First up is Tina Taylor. What a surprise!

Tina, make your way to the stage! Winner!

It's Tina's time to shine, guys! I'll leave you two to it, yeah?

Erm, you've... you've got some... Oh! It's just Kermit's mess. Oh! Ha!

Kermit's mess! Like... Muppet jizz.

Sorry, I mean semen. Sorry!

Why am I talking about this?

I'd like to dedicate this number to the best shag in Sandylands,

guaranteed.

It's my BFF, it's Emily!

APPLAUSE

# Ba ya ya ya ya ya ya

# Ba ya ya

# Ba ya ya ya ya ya ya

# Ba ya ya

# There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea

# You became the light on the dark side of me

# And love remained the drug that's the high, not the pill

# And did you know that when it snows

# My eyes become large

and the light that you shine can be seen?

# Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey

# Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah

# Now that your rose is in bloom

# A light hits the gloom on the grey... #

Oh, shit.

There's no way that's 40 quid.

Well, I might have some change in here, if you... Narrgh!

Stay lucky!

Hello?

Hello?

DOOR SLAMS Surprise!

SHE SCREAMS Shush!

Calm down, it's your dad.

No, you're not real, no way.

You're meant to be dead! Sorry to disappoint you!

SHE WAILS Shh!

The neighbours will hear you! How could you?!

I thought you'd be pleased. Pleased? You know, "Daddy's alive, yay!"

If anything, it's me who should be pissed off.

Sorry? Well, I expected you ages ago.

I'm almost down to my last Pot Noodle! Oooooh!

Why have you got handcuffs on? They're a friend's. Oh. Oh, my God!

Oh, you... Don't be so pathetic, Dad. Nothing really happened.

Nothing REALLY happened! Oh, stop it! We were just...

I do not want to know. Oh, grow up! I'm an adult.

Can we get back on topic here? Why are you not dead?

Well, it's a miracle I'm not.

I got myself into a teeny-weeny bit of money trouble. How much?

It's a tiny bit. A couple of guys, not nice. How much, Dad?

Two, maybe three. Hundred? Yeah. Grand. You prick! Hey!

I'm still your father.

I figured we'd, you know, cash in on a bit of the old life insurance.

No harm, no foul. Fly off to Peru. Peru?! It doesn't have to be Peru.

What about the arcade?

Yeah, good idea. Thought about claiming on that.

Things got a bit messy. Had to put it out. The fire? You did that?

It's all right. Kenny was fine. He just got a bit wet. Grrrggghh! Shhh!

POLICE RADIO: Sierra Oscar. Next-door neighbours reported

some kind of disturbance. Please investigate. Over.

Roger that.

Right, boyo, Tasers at the ready. Time to kick some kids in the dick!

Go easy on them, Trud.

Thank goodness you're here, we heard screaming.

I received basic military training. Where do you want me?

Just stay back, please.

Emily, please hear me out. Forget it. I'm going home.

This is your home. Not for a very long time, Dad!

I forbid you to go out of that door! Get out of my way!

Emily, you are to stay in this house! Make me!

KNOCK AT DOOR Hello? Police!

Oh, my God. Nathan. Nathan? Stand back!

Going to break the bloody door down! BATTERING

# How low can you go?

# How low?

# How low can you go? #

GROANING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media.