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1
00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:21,560
# La la la la la
la la la la la la la
2
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:27,640
# La la la la la
la la la la la la la
3
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,080
Pat! Taking out 13.
4
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:37,240
Bit late, innit, Les?
5
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:40,440
Want to get out for that sunset.
Meant to be a beauty.
6
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:43,720
Here, wouldn't mind doing my back?
7
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:48,480
Would do, but sand everywhere.
Ho-ho, tell me about it!
8
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:54,600
# When she looks at me and laughs
9
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,160
# I remind her of the facts
10
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:03,720
# I'm the king of rock 'n' roll,
completely! #
11
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:24,520
METAL DETECTOR BEEPS SOFTLY
12
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,280
STATION ANNOUCEMENT:
Just arrived at platform two,
13
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,160
the 4:15 train to Sandylands.
14
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:57,040
Jesus! Never heard of trousers?
Hello, hello! Welcome to Sandylands!
15
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:03,800
This you? No, this is a taxi!
Ha-ha ha! Down from London, is it?
16
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,040
What a shit hole!
17
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:09,360
Where are we off to, then?
Seaview Court.
18
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,880
Well, that'll be 30 English pounds.
What?! Seems a lot.
19
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,360
Well, it's a tenner for you,
tenner for the bags,
20
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:18,240
and, er, another tenner.
21
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:21,320
Urgh. All right, suit yourself.
22
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:22,760
Emily!
23
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:27,160
Emily Verma? I don't believe it!
24
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,000
It's me! It's Tina Taylor.
25
00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:35,480
It's Tine. You're Gary Taylor's
sister! Yes, you guessed it!
26
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:38,600
Wasn't he expelled for holding
a dinner lady hostage?
27
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,400
SHE LAUGHS
Classic Gaz!
28
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:44,120
They're married now. Cor blimey!
29
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,760
Blast from the past alert!
30
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,560
You've really grown into your teeth.
What are you doing?
31
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,120
I'm trying to get a cab.
Oh, don't worry about that, mate!
32
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:56,160
Last tour of the day, I'll take you.
33
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,760
# I'm horny, horny, horny, horny!
34
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,520
# So horny, I'm...
35
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,280
# Horny, horny, horny tonight! #
36
00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:11,280
Right, welcome to Sandylands Tours.
Come rain, come shine, just come!
37
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:16,560
I'm Tina Taylor, and I'm going to be
your gorgeous guide for the day! OK.
38
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,080
Who would like a travel sweet?
39
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:24,200
Listen, I heard about your dad, by
the way. It was in all the papers.
40
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,680
Proper mad.
He'd have enjoyed the attention.
41
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,720
Do you know, to think one minute
you can be out on a pedalo without
42
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:34,120
a care in the world and then...
Donkeys!
43
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,200
You must be right upset.
44
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:40,840
I'm OK. We kind of drifted apart
a bit, really. Aw.
45
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:44,400
Life can be a right busy bitch,
can't it? Yeah.
46
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:48,080
And he was quite a selfish prick,
so... Blimey!
47
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,200
You don't mince your beef, do you?
48
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:56,920
So, what are you up to these days,
then? Oh! This and that.
49
00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:00,600
Living in London still.
Hold on. Beach! London, eh?
50
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:05,160
Cor blimey, you must shit avocados!
51
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,680
What are you doing, are you doing
something proper exciting?
52
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:11,280
Just trying to get my pottery
out there, you know? It's tough.
53
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:15,800
I'm doing some pretty ambitious
things with clay. Oh, good for you.
54
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:19,600
Good for you. You know, people will
always need an ashtray, won't they?
55
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,200
Dodgems!
56
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:25,720
Are you back for long? Just for the
memorial. Then back to civilisation!
57
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,760
Right. I've just moved in with
my best mate Tito, actually.
58
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,680
He's gay, so it's really great.
59
00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,760
I love the gays!
60
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,840
My God,
we had Pride here last summer.
61
00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:40,880
Me and Tattoo Dave, doing
Abba Gold on the back of a forklift.
62
00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:43,680
Glitter everywhere! Great!
63
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,120
Aw, do you know, it's not going
to be the same round here
64
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,920
without your dad.
65
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,960
I used to love
playing down his arcade.
66
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,720
It's where I got a go
on the cutest boy from school!
67
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:56,200
Nathan Wylde? What?!
68
00:04:56,240 --> 00:05:00,160
No, seriously! Nathan Wylde!
69
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,720
No, I just mean, we just got on,
ages ago now.
70
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,280
He's sweet. Oh, God no! No, no.
71
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:11,040
Danny Richards.
He was bloody gorgeous, wasn't he?
72
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,680
Shame about that.
73
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,600
And it stunk. Face painting!
74
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:28,760
Hey, look at that!
75
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:34,320
£5, that's daylight robbery!
76
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:40,520
Oh, all right.
Shall we do a tiger? Yeah!
77
00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:01,480
Here you are, pet. Oh, right,
thanks. Here, give us your number.
78
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,920
Tell you what, it's karaoke
down Chino's tomorrow night.
79
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:09,120
We should go. Two-for-one
on fish bowls. Red Bull on tap.
80
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,800
You're going to bloody love it!
81
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:13,840
God, Chino's! Come on, it'll be fun.
Oh, I don't know.
82
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:15,960
It's not really my thing. What?
83
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:19,520
Life's too short to be
a dick about it, mate! Carpet diem.
84
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,720
It means "seize the day". Right.
85
00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:26,600
Right, are we on, then? Erm, maybe.
Booyah! I'll text you tomorrow.
86
00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:28,520
I've got to get this
lot down Dreamboys On Ice
87
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,240
before all hell breaks loose.
88
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:39,280
Who's ready for more pricks
than a second-hand dartboard?
89
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:43,200
# I'm horny, horny, horny, horny!
90
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,760
# So horny,
I'm horny, horny, horny! #
91
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,240
Bloody hell.
92
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,080
LABOURED BREATHING
93
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,680
Jeannie, the chair. Go, go, go!
94
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,560
What are you doing?!
Calling the police!
95
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,600
We've got a hose,
and we're not afraid to use it!
96
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,200
Give her a warning shot, Derek.
It's OK, it's Emily.
97
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:33,680
Les's daughter.
98
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,720
Oh, well get the bloody chair!
Oh, my goodness! I'm so, so sorry.
99
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:41,280
Lovey, we didn't mean to startle
you! Sorry, lovey.
100
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:45,360
We were just doing our bit
for the old Neighbourhood Watch.
101
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:48,960
Empty house like this is catnip to
a smack head. You're OK, you're OK.
102
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:54,120
Proprietor of Swallows
by the Sea B&B, Derek Swallows.
103
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,040
Please don't make fun of my name.
104
00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,760
Oh, we were so shocked to hear about
your daddy. Oh, terrible business.
105
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,840
We're doing
the catering for the memorial.
106
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,160
Jeannie does a spread,
no man goes hungry.
107
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:09,200
I hope you like mackerel mousse.
Quite the character, was Les.
108
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,440
Didn't always see eye to eye.
109
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,760
Lent him my lawnmower, if you do
happen to come across it... Derek!
110
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,680
She's only just got home!
111
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:21,760
Oh, you're so beautiful, aren't you?
Jeannie always wanted a little girl.
112
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,280
We were never blessed.
113
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,640
God in his infinite wisdom gave me
an upside down womb
114
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,120
and a blast proof hymen.
115
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:30,680
Oh! Oh! Jeannie...
116
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,600
Jeannie, Jeannie. Jeannie!
117
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,600
Oh, if there's anything
we can do to help, anything at all.
118
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:39,360
Yeah, just pop your head over
the fence and shout, Derek Swallows!
119
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:44,480
Actually, I don't suppose you know
a decent locksmith? Yeah, I do.
120
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,200
Dougie. Good pal of mine.
121
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,720
Always helping out with my sticky
back door. Yes, swells in the heat.
122
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:53,080
He even managed to fix my front
flap. The cats have free rein now.
123
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:54,520
I'll ring him.
124
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,960
Oh, I've just remembered,
he's away. Are you sure?
125
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,400
I only just spoke to him.
No, I'm absolutely positive.
126
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:03,720
Oh, I've got an idea. Why don't you
come and live with us?
127
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,600
Stay! I mean, stay. Oh. Really?
Of course!
128
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,600
We are a bed-and-breakfast,
after all!
129
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,000
It's 40 quid a night
and check out's at 11.
130
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:19,880
Date of birth? 17th October '94.
131
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,720
Place of birth? Sandylands.
132
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:27,560
Cucumber water? Oh!
So it is. Hold that.
133
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:35,960
Here you go. Oh, my God.
It's so camp!
134
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:40,560
My friend Tito would love this! The
People's Princess. We're big fans.
135
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,240
Derek likes me
to wear my hair just like her.
136
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,280
I don't know why,
but I find it strangely arousing.
137
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:50,160
Room number four.
Here's your key. Don't lose it!
138
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:57,480
And welcome to Swallows by the Sea!
And don't forget to swallow...
139
00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:59,440
your cucumber water!
140
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:04,080
We do like to have a laugh here.
We do! We do!
141
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,480
Drink up, drink up!
142
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,040
Channel 48. Channel 49.
143
00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:22,920
50's your Russia Today and then
you're knee deep in Nigerian soaps.
144
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,880
Awful woman, that one!
145
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:29,040
I brought you some fresh towels,
like an Alpine meadow smell.
146
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,000
And if you want to borrow
any clothes,
147
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,760
I've got some undies on a boil wash.
Oh, no, no. I'm fine.
148
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,560
Oh, you don't look fine.
149
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,240
It must have been terrible
not knowing where your daddy was
150
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:39,520
all that time.
151
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:42,960
You get used to it. Don't trust her,
man, she's playing you like a fool!
152
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,880
I really liked Les.
153
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,840
We were heartbroken
when they called off the search.
154
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:53,280
Everybody got involved. Derek even
got his little dinghy out.
155
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:58,080
Oh, they're related. This is loopy!
Now then. Breakfast.
156
00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:02,160
How do you like your eggs?
Oh, actually, I'm a bit of a vegan.
157
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:07,840
Can you have a little bit of bacon?
Yeah, go on, then. Right.
158
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:11,760
Towels sorted.
You've got your water over there.
159
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,800
Just got to turn the bed down
and maybe read you a little story?
160
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,720
Oh, actually, I'm going
to hit the old hay!
161
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:20,400
Got to get up early, check in at
Dad's arcade. Are you sure? Jeannie!
162
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:25,800
Give the girl a bit of space!
Now, budge up. This is getting good!
163
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,520
TV: The man who you think
is your father is not your father!
164
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:31,920
Nooo!
165
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,720
Look, I'm not saying that, Donna.
Well, what are you saying?
166
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:50,680
It's a long time, is all, isn't it?
For God's sake, Les! You'll survive.
167
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:57,600
All right, love? Just having
a little talk with... Mummy.
168
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:58,840
Another go?
169
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,720
Giddy-up!
170
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:10,080
Of course, of course I'm
pleased for you. I'll be all right.
171
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,800
But you know, what about Emily?
172
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:14,440
Emily...
173
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,440
Emily...
174
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,400
Emily...
175
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:20,880
Emily!
176
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:24,160
What? What's going on?
It's your wake-up call!
177
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:31,720
It's 11am! You look so lovely
lying there, like a windy princess.
178
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,880
Good morning. Rise and shine!
179
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,240
TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
180
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,360
# Pull him away
181
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:14,160
# Jealous so with me
182
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:20,600
# Go there for new
183
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:24,480
# For new things there
184
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:33,680
# Singing of a famous street
185
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:39,520
# I want to love,
I've all the wrong glory
186
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:44,160
# But is it Heaven or Las Vegas? #
187
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:49,200
Give me all your tokens! Oh, my God.
Please don't hurt me.
188
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,680
What's that?
189
00:13:54,840 --> 00:14:01,400
Back up. Back up, man. Back up!
Kenny, it's me. Emily. Emily! Emily!
190
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,600
I can't believe you still work here!
191
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,920
I ain't giving up this sweet arse
job! Unlimited gaming, £5 an hour.
192
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:11,400
Man's living like a king! Oh, by the
way, I made a couple of changes.
193
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,400
I put the shooters
in chronological order,
194
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:16,400
and I stuck a condom machine
next to the Love Tester.
195
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,720
A few more tweaks, and we could
start breaking even in here! Great!
196
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,880
Sorry for not getting here sooner.
It's been a bit mad.
197
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:27,880
Yeah, I get it. Crazy times. But
everything's under control. Thanks.
198
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,960
I'm really sorry for your loss,
Emily. Les was a total ledge.
199
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:35,920
Is Dad's office still...? Yeah.
200
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:39,440
Still a bit of a mess, mind,
since the fire. What fire?
201
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,000
Did you not hear? Madness.
202
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,480
I was just locking up, yeah,
203
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:46,560
when I saw smoke coming from under
the office door.
204
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,160
I was like, no way! Fire!
Man's got to get out.
205
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,320
I went for my keys,
but I'd left them in the grabber
206
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,000
when I was screwing
down the Minions.
207
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:54,840
I full-on did a super Commando
roll.
208
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,800
Paused that video,
stopped playing for my life.
209
00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:03,040
Down went the claw, but no dice.
I try again. Slowly, this time.
210
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,960
She slips. Smoke
was like everywhere. Proper thick.
211
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,120
Even for me, and I vape big clouds.
212
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:14,440
I thought, this is it,
game over for Kenny.
213
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:18,600
Next thing I knew, Les had dragged
me outside, and I pissed myself.
214
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:22,120
Right. So, I'll be in the office.
215
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,080
All right, yeah.
Nice seeing you, Emily.
216
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,760
It's Emily, man!
217
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,840
# Is like any good playing card
218
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:41,760
# Must be why I'm
thinking of Las Vegas
219
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:47,560
# Why it's more brighter
than the sun is to me... #
220
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,360
TELEPHONE RINGS
221
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:04,080
Hello? Emily, it's Derek Swallows,
Swallows by the Sea B&B.
222
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,760
Ask her what time she's coming home.
223
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,880
Emily, Jeannie and I are keen
to confirm a dinner reservation
224
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:13,680
with us tonight. Say 6:45 for 7.
Tell her it's her favourite.
225
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,280
Ask her what her favourite is.
226
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:17,840
Yes, well, I mean,
we were thinking we'd have drinks
227
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,120
and nuts at 6:45 and then...
Let me talk to her, Derek.
228
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:21,720
I'm talking to her.
Let me talk to her.
229
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:25,160
I'm actually speaking to her right
now. Sorry. Sorry, Emily, sorry.
230
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:29,840
Sorry, I'm catching up with an old
friend tonight. Sorry! Bye!
231
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,000
Hello?
DIAL TONE
232
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,280
Oh, she's gone.
233
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:36,960
Look what you've done, you silly
woman, we're all tangled up!
234
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:56,800
Sorry I'm late, babes.
Our Craig's in A&E.
235
00:16:56,840 --> 00:17:01,000
Got his tackle caught up in a Dyson.
My mum is in bits.
236
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,920
I wouldn't mind, but the same thing
happened to Dad last week.
237
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,320
It's fine.
238
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:13,960
It's nice, isn't it? Yeah. It is,
actually. Know what they say?
239
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,440
Red sky at night, shepherd's pie.
240
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,840
Right. Chino's?
241
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,960
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's karaoke night!
242
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:36,520
So please welcome Talent Quest '88
quarterfinalist
243
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,600
and cleared of all outstanding
charges,
244
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:45,040
it is Terry Chino
and the lovely Magda!
245
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,080
She's been deported! Just Terry.
246
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,400
Welcome!
247
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,680
# Don't go breaking my heart
248
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,920
# Oh, honey, if I get restless
249
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,840
# You take the weight off of me... #
250
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:34,560
Soup of the day, Madame! Wow!
That's very...green.
251
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,520
Yeah, they call it Kermit's mess.
252
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,640
You get your picture on the wall
if you can keep down three. Yes.
253
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,960
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
254
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,520
You all right, Emily, love?
You've a face like a wet towel.
255
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:55,280
Tina, did you know my dad?
You what? My dad, did you know him?
256
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:59,320
Yeah, of course. He was a local
legend. Everybody liked Les. Yeah.
257
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:06,280
Not sure if I did. Barely ever saw
him. Christmas, the odd birthday.
258
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,080
You know, sometimes
he'd just turn up at my flat,
259
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,480
always had to be this big surprise
and I'd have to drop everything.
260
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:16,040
After a while,
I stopped returning his calls.
261
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:21,160
I just couldn't be bothered. Babes,
that's totally understandable.
262
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:28,320
So why do I miss him
so fucking much now? Oh, darling!
263
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:30,560
Darling, come here. Come here.
264
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,840
You've done a right proper snot
bubble, though.
265
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,520
I just can't believe he's gone,
Tina.
266
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:39,960
Right, you're dribbling now,
OK? All right?
267
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:46,040
And go again. Good girl.
Very good. OK. Good girl.
268
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,000
I'll have one after I've finished
this. Half a lager.
269
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,520
# Oh, oh, nobody knows it
270
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,640
# Nobody knows it
271
00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,360
# When I was down... #
272
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,800
Wind it on. Thank you, thank you.
273
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,240
That's right, it is
karaoke night tonight.
274
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,640
So form an orderly queue,
give your names to Wayne,
275
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,480
and you could be stood
where I'm stood.
276
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,680
But first, time to hit you with
another beauty from yours truly.
277
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:25,200
# Especially for you
278
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,120
Are you taking the piss?
279
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,960
# And if dreams were wings,
you know I would have flown... #
280
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,560
Listen. You've got to keep those
chins up, darling. All right?
281
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:41,000
Because time?
Shit beautician, great healer.
282
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,640
I don't know what I'm going
to be like at this bloody memorial.
283
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,080
I've got to do a speech.
284
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,520
Well, if you fancy it,
I'll come down with you, eh?
285
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,440
Give you a little shoulder pad
to cry on. Really? Of course.
286
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:54,120
Right,
now stick those straws in your gob
287
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,040
and let's get you
on that bloody wall, please!
288
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:58,800
Thank you!
289
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:02,960
Mmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
290
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,960
Mmmmm! Mmmm!
291
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,400
THEY GIGGLE
292
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,680
# ..you too... #
293
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,280
Bear with!
294
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,840
We've got a technical problem.
295
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:18,800
So remember,
it is two-for-one all night
296
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,680
of the beautiful fishbowl cocktails.
297
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:24,520
Fill your boots.
But don't, please, block the toilet.
298
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:28,400
Wayne? What? What are you doing
to me? I'm on my arse up there!
299
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:34,600
Is this about Magda? No.
It weren't me that got her deported.
300
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,640
And the fact that she
asked for a cut on the door has
301
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,680
absolutely nothing to do with this.
All right, all right.
302
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:45,160
Hey, come here, you big baby!
Look, I know you liked her.
303
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,400
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
304
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:48,760
Eh?
305
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,680
It's Wayne and Terry, isn't it?
Terry and Wayne.
306
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:59,160
Hey, what time is it?
307
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,680
Chino time. Uh-uh. What time is it?
308
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,280
It's Chino time!
Good time guaranteed!
309
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,280
Now, you give me five minutes,
line me up a banger.
310
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,800
Let's raise the roof off this place!
311
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,920
I am about to...
I'll do a bant in my pants!
312
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,160
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You'll never guess who's here.
313
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:40,560
It's only Nathan bloody Wylde!
You are joking! I texted him.
314
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:44,160
You did what? Tina!
Oh, come on, fizzy knickers!
315
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,480
You're telling me you couldn't do
with a little game
316
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:47,960
of human Tetris, eh?
317
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,520
Oh, God, is here now?
Uh-huh. Standing by the bar.
318
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,440
He literally keeps looking over.
It's very weird.
319
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:59,520
She's looking, she's looking!
All right, calm down!
320
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:04,800
Have a swig and give her a wink.
Ah! Aaagh!
321
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,480
Would you stop dicking about!
322
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:14,160
Oh, God, he's coming over. OK.
Relax, relax, relax. Relax, relax.
323
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,360
Emily! Remember me?
324
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,840
Nathan. Tina said you were in town.
325
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,800
Sorry, got a prick in my eye.
326
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,880
Oh! No. Erm, not like a penis.
327
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,880
Nathan, hi. How's it going?
Yeah, OK.
328
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:36,800
Just out with some mates from work.
329
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:40,120
I say mates...
330
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,640
Well, I suppose it's about time
we let you bloody amateurs
331
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:46,560
have a go, eh?! First up is Tina
Taylor. What a surprise!
332
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,560
Tina, make your way to the stage!
Winner!
333
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:55,400
It's Tina's time to shine, guys!
I'll leave you two to it, yeah?
334
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:04,120
Erm, you've... you've got some...
Oh! It's just Kermit's mess. Oh! Ha!
335
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:08,400
Kermit's mess! Like... Muppet jizz.
336
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,000
Sorry, I mean semen. Sorry!
337
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:14,120
Why am I talking about this?
338
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:17,800
I'd like to dedicate this number
to the best shag in Sandylands,
339
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,200
guaranteed.
340
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,880
It's my BFF, it's Emily!
341
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:24,480
APPLAUSE
342
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,880
# Ba ya ya ya ya ya ya
343
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:29,720
# Ba ya ya
344
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:33,400
# Ba ya ya ya ya ya ya
345
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:35,960
# Ba ya ya
346
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:42,200
# There used to be a greying
tower alone on the sea
347
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:48,920
# You became the light
on the dark side of me
348
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:55,280
# And love remained the drug
that's the high, not the pill
349
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:58,320
# And did you know
that when it snows
350
00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:01,120
# My eyes become large
351
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:06,960
and the light
that you shine can be seen?
352
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:13,080
# Baby, I compare you to
a kiss from a rose on the grey
353
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:18,960
# Ooh, the more I get of you,
the stranger it feels, yeah
354
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:22,640
# Now that your rose is in bloom
355
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:28,200
# A light hits the gloom
on the grey... #
356
00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:44,920
Oh, shit.
357
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,600
There's no way that's 40 quid.
358
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,720
Well, I might have some
change in here, if you... Narrgh!
359
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:09,960
Stay lucky!
360
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:19,560
Hello?
361
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,120
Hello?
362
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,000
DOOR SLAMS
Surprise!
363
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:40,360
SHE SCREAMS
Shush!
364
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,200
Calm down, it's your dad.
365
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,880
No, you're not real, no way.
366
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,080
You're meant to be dead!
Sorry to disappoint you!
367
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:48,920
SHE WAILS
Shh!
368
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,040
The neighbours will hear you!
How could you?!
369
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:55,160
I thought you'd be pleased. Pleased?
You know, "Daddy's alive, yay!"
370
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,520
If anything, it's me
who should be pissed off.
371
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,560
Sorry?
Well, I expected you ages ago.
372
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,960
I'm almost down to my last
Pot Noodle! Oooooh!
373
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:08,360
Why have you got handcuffs on?
They're a friend's. Oh. Oh, my God!
374
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:11,040
Oh, you... Don't be so pathetic,
Dad. Nothing really happened.
375
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,600
Nothing REALLY happened!
Oh, stop it! We were just...
376
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,520
I do not want to know.
Oh, grow up! I'm an adult.
377
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:18,640
Can we get back on topic here?
Why are you not dead?
378
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,920
Well, it's a miracle I'm not.
379
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:24,640
I got myself into a teeny-weeny
bit of money trouble. How much?
380
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:28,080
It's a tiny bit. A couple of guys,
not nice. How much, Dad?
381
00:27:28,120 --> 00:27:33,640
Two, maybe three. Hundred? Yeah.
Grand. You prick! Hey!
382
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:35,920
I'm still your father.
383
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,600
I figured we'd, you know, cash in
on a bit of the old life insurance.
384
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:42,680
No harm, no foul. Fly off to Peru.
Peru?! It doesn't have to be Peru.
385
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:44,400
What about the arcade?
386
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:46,720
Yeah, good idea.
Thought about claiming on that.
387
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:50,080
Things got a bit messy. Had to put
it out. The fire? You did that?
388
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:57,280
It's all right. Kenny was fine. He
just got a bit wet. Grrrggghh! Shhh!
389
00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:59,880
POLICE RADIO: Sierra Oscar.
Next-door neighbours reported
390
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:03,240
some kind of disturbance.
Please investigate. Over.
391
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:04,760
Roger that.
392
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,440
Right, boyo, Tasers at the ready.
Time to kick some kids in the dick!
393
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:09,880
Go easy on them, Trud.
394
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,200
Thank goodness you're here,
we heard screaming.
395
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,800
I received basic military training.
Where do you want me?
396
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,960
Just stay back, please.
397
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,480
Emily, please hear me out.
Forget it. I'm going home.
398
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:28,840
This is your home.
Not for a very long time, Dad!
399
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:33,560
I forbid you to go out of that door!
Get out of my way!
400
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:36,880
Emily, you are to stay in this
house! Make me!
401
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,720
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hello? Police!
402
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:47,520
Oh, my God. Nathan.
Nathan? Stand back!
403
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:51,160
Going to break the bloody door down!
BATTERING
404
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:58,080
# How low can you go?
405
00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:01,400
# How low?
406
00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:04,840
# How low can you go? #
407
00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:07,560
GROANING
408
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:13,240
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