All language subtitles for Louis CK 2025; Women Have Very High Demands – The Truth Men Are Afraid to Say Out Loud (inglés_ASR)

[Applause]

Well, thank you.

Thank you very much. Wow. Well,

well, thank you. That is very okay.

That's very nice. I uh I hope somebody

does that for you someday.

That was It's a very nice thing.

I hope you had a good day. Uh, it's

about I could all I could do about it is

hope. Uh, I had a pretty good day. I

went out shopping for some things I

needed and uh now I don't need them

because I got them. I got a white noise

machine. Do you know what those are?

White noise machine. That's a machine

that helps white people sleep at night

because uh you shouldn't be able to. I

um

I'm hungry. I'm a little hungry. I mean

I feel hungry. I think that's what

Americans shouldn't say I'm hungry. They

say I feel hungry. If you if you ate

today, you shouldn't say I'm hungry.

Hunger is a real thing. I don't I don't

have third world hunger. I have first

world hunger. I would like a donut. I

would like

Some people say, "I'm starving." That's

That's offensive. I'm starving.

I haven't eaten since 2. I'm starving.

Don't say that because some people are

starving and they don't say it. You

never see a little kid in Africa with

his ribs showing. He's like, "I am

starving right now.

I'm like literally starving to death.

It's like annoying."

I have two kids. I went to my daughter's

play the other day. Uh, I don't know if

you have kids, but there is no more

joyful feeling in the human experience

than when a child's play is over. It's

just nothing feels that good when you

can say, "I am not watching that any

longer."

Every second my daughter's on stage, I

can't breathe cuz I'm so proud of her.

But this is a this is a bad show.

They worked really hard and it didn't

make it good.

I'm glad I'm raising uh girls, though,

because boys are uh I don't like I don't

like boys. I don't I don't I don't like

That's probably a good thing to say. I

don't like boys. I don't I mean I don't

think women are better than men. Uh but

I do think that men are worse than

women. You know, we just have like I was

talking to my friend and he said his

girlfriend's mad at him. I said, "What

happened?" He goes, "Well, I guess I uh

I guess I said something and then uh and

then she got her feelings hurt."

Such a weird way to phrase it. She got

her feelings hurt. I said something and

then she Could you more remove yourself

from responsibility? She got her

feelings hurt. It's like saying, "Yeah,

I shot this guy in the face and then I

guess he got himself murdered."

I just shot He leaned into it. I didn't

know.

[Music]

I've never been murdered.

I'm going to die someday. I I accept

that. I don't know what happens

afterwards. Some people say you go to

heaven. I'm totally going to heaven. I'm

going to he by the way. This is the only

voice I know how to do. I'm totally

going to heaven. That's the only voice I

have. I can't like do impressions. Like

this. This is my impression of the

president. I'm I'm the first black

president. I'm like literally the first

black president.

Do you guys think there's a heaven? How

if you believe you're going to heaven?

Clap if you think you're going to

heaven.

You think you're going to heaven?

Yeah.

Really? How How old are you?

21.

21. And you're a lock for heaven

already. You already got

been a grown-up for 3 years. You

couldn't possibly make a mistake. Well,

good luck. I don't think, personally, I

don't think there's a heaven. I think

maybe there's a God, but there's no

heaven. I think that's the best news

you're going to get. You die and you're

like, "Hey, God." And he's like, "Yep."

And you're like, "Where's heaven?" And

he's like, "I don't know who's telling

people that,

but I'm supposed to make a universe and

then another whole amazing place for

afterwards.

You guys are greedy dicks down there.

Well, where do I go? Just stand in this

room with me now.

I don't like it. Tell me about I've been

here since 1983.

or whenever. I don't know when God

started, but

I'm not religious. I don't know if

there's a God. That's all I can say

honestly is I don't know. Some people

think that they know that there isn't.

That's a weird thing to think you can

know. Yeah, there's no God. Are you

sure? Yeah. No, there's no God. How do

you know? Cuz I didn't see him. How do

you There's a vast universe. You can see

for about a 100 yards when there's not a

building in the way. How could you

possibly Did you look everywhere? Did

you look in the downstairs bathroom?

wearing universal. No, I didn't see him

yet. I haven't seen 12 Years a Slave

yet. It doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I

just wait until he comes on Ka.

I think if there is a God, I don't know

if it's the one in the Bible cuz that's

a weird story is he's our father and

we're his children. That's it. Our

father who art in heaven. Where's our

mother?

What happened to our mom?

What did he do to our mom?

Something happened.

Somewhere in heaven, there's a porch

with a dead lady under it. And I want

this story.

Somebody's got to check the trunk of

God's car

for bleach and rope and fibers.

Well, how can we not have a mother? At

least maybe God's divorced. Maybe he has

an ex-wife. God's a single dad and he's

raising us alone and we're praying like

and he's like I'm trying it's just me up

here.

Maybe that's what's going on. Maybe

maybe your life is your time. This is

our weekend with dad. That's what life

is is your weekend and then when you die

you go to mom's house.

[Music]

It makes sense that God would be a

woman, doesn't it? Because you're you're

raised by your mom. I think the reason

we made God a man in our cultures is

because we want to make sense of the

fact that men are in charge. Cuz

otherwise it doesn't really make any

sense. Cuz women, you start with the

woman. It's the thing people like to ask

like what comes first, the chicken or

the egg? Of course it's the egg cuz you

can't just make a chicken. You can't

just go chicken.

You got to start with an egg and grow a

chicken. And then people say, "Oh, well

did the egg come from a chicken, you

idiot."

The point is

women birthed us. Women raised us. So

why aren't they running things? I think

I know why. I think it's cuz millions of

years ago, women were in charge and they

were mean. They were horrible. They made

us walk around naked and they'd laugh at

you and they'd flick your penis when you

walked by. They were awful.

[Music]

But what could you do with your mom and

her friends? Like what could you

possibly do about it? And then one guy

punched his mom and we were like, "We

can hit them." And then we did the whole

thing.

But that's that's why men are mean to

women today because we're terrified of

them. That's why we didn't we didn't

give women the vote till 1920. Women

didn't get the vote in this country.

That means American democracy is 94

years old. There are three people in my

building older than American democracy.

That's how that's how women have had a

rough time. It was so okay to beat your

wife until so recently that today we

have a kind of shirt named after it.

There's a piece of clothing in our

culture affectionately nicknamed after

beating a crap out of your wife. And for

some reason this is offensive to nobody.

I saw a woman on Good Morning America or

something. She's like I say I was

walking around the wife at my house and

the wife beat her. I'm like stop saying

it. Like it's not horrible. I just

wearing a wife beater and child murder

shorts tonight. Like it's not kid.

We have a great show. Sam Smith is here.

So stick around.

We'll be right back.

Thank you very much. Thanks uh

everybody. Uh

hello

Nice to be here. How are you doing?

Good.

Good. Good. Nice to be here. I uh I'm

broke. Anybody else broke?

You ever get so broke that the bank

starts charging you money for not having

enough money?

That's [ __ ] broke, man.

Bank called me up. They're like, "Hi,

we're calling cuz you don't have enough

money." I'm like, "I know."

She's like, "Sir, you have insufficient

funds." Well, that's a good way to put

it, too. I agree with that.

I find my funds to be grossly

insufficient.

Thanks for calling.

Why are you mad at me? I don't

understand what How is this something

I'm doing to you? She's like, "Sir, you

only have $20. That's not enough. You

can't only have $20. I'm like, look, I'm

not being broke just to [ __ ] with you. I

just really don't have

any money. I'm not trying to be a dick.

I just My life is shitty.

So, they charge me They charge me $15.

That's how much it costs to only have

$20.

But here's the [ __ ] up part. Now I

only have five.

What did I pay the 20 or the $15 for if

I don't get to have the $20

that I paid to have?

I paid the [ __ ] money. Where's my 20

bucks?

That's like going to the movies. You pay

buy your ticket and go get the [ __ ] out

of here. Go home.

But I paid for the movie. No, you paid

for a ticket, [ __ ] You didn't

pay for a movie.

[Laughter]

You ever have negative money? That's

depressing, isn't it? You look in your

bank account, $10. That's how much I

have now. 10. That means I don't even

have no money now.

I wish I did. I wish I didn't have

anything. I wish I just had nothing. But

I have less than that.

I don't have none.

I have not 10. I don't

I can't I'm If it's free, I can't

[ __ ] afford it.

Somebody could come up to me, take this

is free. [ __ ] that cost nothing. I

can't afford that. That's more than I

have.

I got to raise 10 bucks to be broke.

That's where I'm at.

That's not good.

That's bad.

Apparently, some of you are in the same

[ __ ] position.

How's your economy doing? [ __ ]

No, I'm glad you appreciate that story.

Not everybody appreciates that story. I

told that story about a week ago in

Orange County, California. All these

rich [ __ ] looking at me with

their bow tans and their golf shirts and

penny loafers.

They're all looking at me like, "Well,

yeah." like

you were financially irresponsible. You

had to pay the price. I don't frankly

see what you're angry about.

The bank has a right to acrew a fee.

Clearly,

that's how different it is to be rich

than it is to be poor. Because when

you're rich, the bank pays you for being

rich. If you have a lot of money, they

give you money because you have a lot of

money. They say you have so much money

that we should give you some because you

have a lot. You should have more. Here,

take more money. Take this guy's 15.

[ __ ] him. You should have.

Makes perfect sense.

He doesn't have enough. You have a lot.

Fine. Take it all, you [ __ ] I

don't give a [ __ ] You ever get so broke

it just becomes funny to you after a

while? You go, "Jesus Christ.

I have no [ __ ] money.

Jesus."

People call you, "Hi, we're going to

turn off the [ __ ] it. Turn it off, man.

Turn it off. I don't give a [ __ ]

When can you make a payment?" I ain't

paying anything. What am I going to

[ __ ] pay you with?

I [ __ ] sold the phone. I don't need

it now.

God damn it, man.

Shit's brutal.

I live in New York, too. And man,

there's You can't get along with no

money in New York. You got to live in

these tiny places. I have this

apartment, right? And uh we have this

Okay, here's the toilet, right? I'm on

the toilet. This is how the apartment

is. The The tub is right here, like

right next to the toilet. Then there's a

wall like right [ __ ] here. Like right

there's no You got to You get squeezed

in. And here's the worst part. I have to

put a foot in the tub

to use this toilet because

otherwise I got to go like this. Who

shits like this with their knees

together?

I'm pooping.

No, you got to [ __ ] dig in. I run a

fire. You got to get into it.

And in order to achie to achieve this

position, I have to put a foot in the

tub. Now, try putting a foot in the tub

when your pants are at your ankles. You

can't. They both want to go, right? So,

I have to take off the whole pant leg,

which means I have to take a shoe off

every time I take a [ __ ]

Every time.

And sometimes that's okay. But a lot of

times it [ __ ] isn't okay.

Sometimes I didn't plan effectively and

I'm 10 blocks from my house and I've got

to [ __ ] You know when you you can't run

cuz you'll bounce it out. So you got to

kind of collide and you're going, "Come

on.

God damn it." Then you stop

occasionally. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ]

Come on, man. God. Okay. I'm going to

make it. I'm going to make it. I'm going

to make it. I'm going to make it. I'm

going to make it. And I always get to

this point like, I'm going to make it.

I'm [ __ ] fine. I'm fine. Mind over

matter. I'm going to make it. And then I

see my house. I just see it and my eyes

tell the rest of me, "Fuck it, man. Let

go. We're here. There's no need to hold

on anymore. We've made it." Cuz my eyes

are [ __ ] [ __ ] And they don't

know the difference between the outside

and the inside of my house.

So now I got like Olympic seconds to

[ __ ] get in my house and open the

door to bathroom and I got to take a

[ __ ] shoe off. Are you

I have [ __ ] my pants 13 times.

I couldn't keep a straight face without

All right.

Oh, shut up.

Ah, you better leave now. It doesn't get

any better.

Anyway,

no, no, file. Sorry, blah, blah. Uh, so

anyway, no money. I guess I'm white

trash officially. And, uh, white trash

is a very funny expression to me because

it's the only racial expression you

could use and no one gets offended.

Nobody gives a [ __ ] when you say white

trash. Nobody gets all quiet like, "Hey

man, why are you talking like that?

That's not cool."

Nobody defends white trash. You can be

talking to the most liberal hippie in

the world. You go, "Hey, I saw this guy.

He was white trash." He'll go, "Haha,

[ __ ] that guy.

White trash. Piece of [ __ ] Let's laugh

at him because he's poor and he's

starving to death. [ __ ] loser. He

lives in a trailer cuz he can't afford a

house. Let's go [ __ ] right in his face

right now."

That's why they're funny to us cuz

they're [ __ ] poor. He wears stupid

clothes cuz they're [ __ ] free so he

can eat.

Ha [ __ ] ha.

Man, it's depressing in this country.

You ever go like You ever drive through

whole towns where everybody's life is

[ __ ] in the whole town? Everybody's just

standing in front of their house like

I don't know man.

This is a weird election, too. People

got weird, man. I was driving through

this town in upstate New York. This

guy's standing there with a sign that

says, "Honk if you love America." Now, I

love America. But I'm looking at this

guy and I'm thinking, "What the [ __ ] are

you doing, man? This is your day. You're

going to stand at this red light with

this [ __ ] sign? What is wrong with

you?" And he's looking at me cuz he's

angry that I haven't honked yet. And now

he's trying to intimidate me. He's like,

"Fucking honk, [ __ ]

Honk."

And then I decide, you know what? I'm

not honking. And you know why? Cuz [ __ ]

this guy. That's why. He doesn't get to

decide this rule for the whole [ __ ]

intersection. Just cuz he's got a magic

marker and no job. Now I have to honk or

otherwise I'm a [ __ ] commie. [ __ ]

him. What if I go up to him with a

t-shirt that says, "Lick my balls if you

love Jesus."

Come on, man. You got to do it.

You got to do it.

What are you a Jew? Lick him.

[Music]

They We were using the word and they

were more in our lives. I swear to God

they were more. They were in our

culture. There was TV movies about

[ __ ] people all the time. Tonight on

ABC, a [ __ ] boy's dream.

There was one I remember with Sean

Cassidy. I don't know if you remember

Sean Cassidy. Some of you too young, but

Sean Cassidy, he began his career as a

teen pop idol. He was a 13-year-old boy

with a very hit song called The Do Run

Run. And uh he had feathered blonde hair

and juicy lips. And uh he's on the cover

of Team Beat magazine.

And everybody likes Sean Cassie cuz he

was sexy. It's a sexy boy. I thought he

was sexy. I did. I thought he was really

sexy. I was 6 years old. But I already

had inappropriate sex feelings for

teenage boys when I was six. I was an

old soul. I was

I was a pedophile when I was six.

I used to go up to teenage boys when I

was six like, "Hey, how's it going?

That kid's weird. He's got a boner.

Anyway,

not anymore. I outgrew it. But

no,

I'm not I'm not sexually attracted to

teenage boys. I'm not I'm not. But I

don't not get it. I mean, I I get it.

I'm not like what? Like,

you can see it.

Like I was at an airport once and I'm

walking along the where were people

walking in the airport and there's these

chairs facing the aisle and there was

this family sitting there a mom and a

dad and two teenage boys and they're

like just both sitting with their phones

with their leg there weren't like these

shorts. One had cut off shorts and one

had basketball shorts and they both just

had their legs open cuz they don't give

a [ __ ] both legs just spled and then

just this just smooth, you know, just

very and and I saw it.

Didn't give me didn't do anything to me.

But I kind of wanted to stop and go,

"Hey fellas, let's let's close that [ __ ]

up. Huh? You're not getting me, but I

know you're causing a problem for

somebody in this airport.

Let's close it up."

I did not say that. Otherwise, I

wouldn't be here.

Anyway, let's return to the comfortable

subject of [ __ ] people, shall we?

So, Sean Cassidy, Sean Cassidy was a

teen singer who then grew up, he was

about 18 now. He was, you know, old and

gross. Nobody wanted to [ __ ] him. Uh so

he started to act and he had a movie on

TV called Normal People where he played

a [ __ ] man who wants to live a

normal life. It was very inspiring

actually. And at one point he goes to he

didn't do like a big [ __ ] character.

He wore thick glasses. He talked like

Elmer Fud. That was the whole thing. So

he goes up to the guy who runs the group

home he lives in and he says, "I want to

get a job." And the guy's runs it is

like, you know, Republican conservative.

So he's like, "You can't get a job.

You're a retard."

you know,

but but then there's a liberal lady who

works there and she says, "Of course he

can get a job. He's as good as anyone."

So, they let him get a job as a air

traffic controller, whatever was

available. And then

he meets a woman who's also [ __ ] who

lives at the at the group home. He falls

in love with her. It's a very nice love

story. And he says, "We want to get

married." And the guy says, she says,

"But they're in love, so they get

married." And then one day he says, "We

want to have a baby." And the liberal

lady says, "No [ __ ] way."

And they just shut them down right

there. And that's the end of the movie.

I swear to God, that's just how it ends.

And the point of the movie is just, you

know, hey, there's a limit. Like that's

I guess what the point of it was.

And that's pretty intense.

But hey, [ __ ] people were on

television. We were talking about it. We

were dealing with it. And they said the

word [ __ ] about 50,000 times in the

movie. Now we don't see the word and I

don't see them anywhere. I guess that's

my problem with it. And also the word is

not basically a bad word. It's medical

term, but it became a bad word because

it's used as an insult really. Um, not

towards [ __ ] people. Nobody does

that. Nobody calls [ __ ] people

[ __ ] to insult them. What would be

the point of that?

It'll be like going up to a chair and

saying you're a [ __ ] chair. Like what

are you doing?

No, people use it on their friends. Like

you're at a bar, your friend's like, "I

don't have any more money for beer." And

you're like, "You [ __ ] retarded." Do

you know that?

And in that moment, no one [ __ ] is

insulted. They're not. Do you know why?

Cuz they're not there. Cuz we don't

include them in our lives. They're not

at the How many of you have a [ __ ]

drinking buddy that you hang out with?

No, you take them to the zoo when

they're little and then [ __ ] them.

This is what I find confusing about this

thing is that we told many generations

of people that they were [ __ ] We

told them that that's what they are and

they lived with it and they dealt with

it and then we just decided it's a bad

word. So, did we tell them this? Did we

go back to them and explain this to

them? Listen, Nelson, I have something

to tell you.

You're not [ __ ] anymore.

You mean I'm cured? No.

No. No. No. We're not even working on

it.

Talk about their mothers.

I was watching a football game one time

and this guy scored a bunch of [ __ ]

whatever. And they were excited, so they

asked him about it afterwards and the

football player said, "My mom died last

year, but I know she was watching my

game from heaven tonight." And I wanted

to be there to say, "Leave your mother

alone.

How dare you? She's dead." I mean, when

are you done with your [ __ ] kids?

When are you finished with your [ __ ]

kids?

Even after you're dead, you still have

to go to their [ __ ] games and [ __ ]

[Applause]

Leave your mother alone.

She did her job. She raised you and it

killed her.

I mean, let her enjoy heaven. Don't you

want your mother to enjoy heaven? Isn't

that what you want your mom to be just

in heaven? Wee.

This poor woman. The angels are like,

"We're having an angel party. You want

to come with us?"

I can't. I got to watch my son's games.

He'll be very upset.

Okay, good. He can't [ __ ] hear me.

When people die, it means they did their

jobs and you should forget them. That's

what I think. Cuz it's unfair what we

put on dead people. Are you watching

over me? Yes, I'm watching all of it.

You know, like an old when you see an

old couple and they've been married for

like 60 years. You know that kind of

story? Everybody always loves that. The

kind of people that always get applause

based on the math of their lives.

How long you've been married?

60 years. A

a

isn't that automatically wonderful.

How do you know? You just know how long

it's been.

For 60 years, every morning he tells me

I'm a piece of [ __ ]

But let's just say this is a happy

couple, okay?

They love each other. They've been

married for 60 years. That's longer than

most people really want to be alive. And

they've been together that long. And now

they're just an old couple. And they

just walk together. You know when you

see two people

and it's kind of lovely. They don't need

anybody else. It's just the two of them.

This is both of them. They just walk.

They always walk somewhere nobody walks

there. It's trash.

It's trucks.

He's wearing a suit that is not a color.

She's wearing a dress that's like a

triangle. Like a kid drew it. It's just

[ __ ] a dress with fruit on it. Nobody

cares.

And they just walk every day.

It's cold. Yeah, it's cold.

You want to go to the store and get a

cracker?

Yeah, let's get a crack at this store.

[Music]

And then one day, usually he dies first,

they're walking and he goes

and she says, "Richard,

[Music]

Richard

[Laughter]

and he dies."

So now it's just her, just Rose,

and she's alone. Now she just stands in

their house.

Once in a while, somebody goes to get

Rose cuz there's a wedding. Come on,

Rose. Just [ __ ] Come on.

Come on, [ __ ] her. Come on.

[ __ ]

Just want to push her from

She li she lives 10 more years 10 years

after Richard dies. And uh and then 10

years later now she's laying in a bed.

She's dying. Somebody's there with her

on their phone.

So Rose is dying and she says, "Well, at

least now I get to be with my Richard

forever."

Where did Where did she get that idea?

Where did Where did that come from? I'

I've looked it up. No religion teaches

that when you die, you get to ruin

heaven for your dead spouse.

Why is that fair? Who gets

Brazer's been dead for 10 years. He's

been in heaven for 10 years. And

somebody comes up to him, "Hey, your

wife is coming."

What?

Just now?

Yeah. Rose just died. She'll be here in

about 20 minutes.

They just got to hose her down and tape

the wings on.

And then you're going to be together

forever.

Wait a minute. [ __ ]

You said this was heaven. Why is this?

I have a girlfriend here now. I don't

want to [ __ ]

She's the love of your life. She's not

the love of my death, [ __ ]

That's marriage. Marriage is a big deal.

Marriage is a big deal. I went to a

wedding the other day. I went to a gay

wedding. I've been to a lot of gay

weddings, which is not true.

It's not true at all. But I did go to

one,

but uh I don't go to weddings generally

because I don't like them. I hate it.

Don't invite me. Really, I think it's

rude to invite people to your wedding. I

really do. Nobody's happy to get that

[ __ ] You make it all pretty and they're

like, "Oh, [ __ ]

This is going to suck."

Here's a helpful list of places to stay.

Oh, great. I get to live in a Laquenta

in Reading, Pennsylvania

for three days

because you want to get married for a

couple of years.

Nobody wants to watch you start your

shitty thing. Nobody wants to see it.

Everybody's in a shitty thing. That's

what it is. That's what it is to be with

somebody. You're either alone or you're

in a shitty thing. That covers 100% of

human beings.

I know there I can see there's young

couples here and you're like, "No, we're

in a good one. It's really good." Yeah.

[ __ ] you. Who do you think you are? It

just didn't get so arrogant. Yeah, I

think we figured it out. No. Yeah,

you're the first ones.

Of course, it's going to get shitty.

That's part of it. It's like It's like

going to a horror movie and in the first

minute you're like, I think they're all

going to be fine.

No, they're all going to die

and you're going to hate the person you

love right now. It's the way it works.

Love plus time minus distance equals

hate. That's just the way it goes.

I'm not saying don't do it. You should

do it. It's the best thing. It's the

best part of life. Love is. But don't be

greedy and expect it to last. Don't be

amazed that a butterfly died cuz you

shot it in the face.

Just fall in love. Make a [ __ ] mess.

It goes shitty. You don't realize it

till too late. And then you cry a lot.

Move on. It's the best part of life.

It is. I've always loved love. I've

always loved That's what been my

favorite part of life is meeting

somebody and going, "Oh [ __ ]

that person." That's the best feeling.

Now, why the [ __ ] would that just oh

yeah, for years, for our whole lives,

just, oh

yeah, that's insane to expect that.

And then it rots and dies. It's just the

way it goes.

It's like if you see a person in the

park making bubbles with a big wand, you

know, with soap and sometimes they make

a really big one. He goes, "Oh,

shit." Okay, that's all.

You don't stand over liar. You don't get

mad at the soap stain.

It gets so shitty, man. It does.

Everybody has their time. Everybody has

their time.

I mean, not everybody.

There are people out there who there's

just nobody for them.

Mhm. Yep.

People like to say things like, "There's

someone for everyone." Nope.

Not at all true. And stop saying it cuz

it's mean to people who never find

anybody. There are millions of people

out there who we've all unanimously

decided they are light speed ugly and

nobody kisses them on the lips even.

Nobody touches their genitals their

entire life. They just wash it and then

they die. That's all that happens.

A and if you're feeling bad for them,

you can go find one and [ __ ] one

tomorrow. You can just solve the problem

right there

with all that kindness in your heart.

Ah, well, go [ __ ] one. Nah, I didn't

think so.

That's the one way we're all mean.

Nobody does that. Nobody [ __ ] down.

Nobody.

People [ __ ] up or across.

Some women [ __ ] down because a guy

talked them into that it was up. Some

Yeah. No, you should. I'm totally up.

Yeah, but overweight people deal with

things that none of us deal with cuz I'm

not overweight. There's people

who are discriminated against because of

their weight. I read a story once about

a woman who's 600 lb and she couldn't

get medical care cuz everything she goes

to the doctor, he just says it's cuz

she's fat. Everything. She's like, "My

knees hurt." He's like, "Yeah, my knees

hurt. Just looking at you. What do you

think was going to happen?"

She's like, "I have chest pains." He

says, "Yeah, cuz your organs are over

capacity, so they're hurting." She's

like, "I got shot in the head." He said,

"Yeah, cuz you're [ __ ] fat. Somebody

shot you in the [ __ ] head cuz you're

fat."

Here's the worst part of the story, and

this is true. This is true. She needed

an MRI.

Cuz she had something serious. She's 600

lb. She doesn't fit in the machine. You

know what they did? They sent her to the

zoo. I'm not kidding. They sent her to

the [ __ ] zoo.

That's what we do for fat people. We

need an MRI.

Hey, here's your prescription.

Go to the zoo.

Yeah, that's where you should go. You

should go to the zoo.

By the way, you know how many fat people

we have in this country? About 600

trillion billion thousands of them.

You know how many trans people there

are? About 38.

But if you're trans and you need a

restroom and it's awkward, we'll change

every restroom. But if you're fat and

you need an MRI, you go to the zoo, you

fat [ __ ]

Just go to the zoo.

You go experience that today.

What happens when she gets to the zoo?

What actually [ __ ] happens

when she arrives at the zoo?

Are you here to see the monkeys? No, I'm

here for an MRI.

Oh [ __ ] All right. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay.

Just stand in the straw over here.

Yeah. You're after the walrus who has

lymphoma.

By the way, why is there an MRI machine

at the [ __ ] zoo?

Who was developing that instead of a fat

human being MRI? Who's paying for this

[ __ ] You don't give an elephant a

[ __ ] magnetic resonance image test?

Are you [ __ ] high? That's obscene.

If an elephant is sick, you just listen.

You do this thing.

Ma thinks she going to die. Did he?

I'm saying this out of respect for

elephants, by the way, because we're

supposed to respect how they live. They

don't [ __ ] cure their diseases. This

is not their culture. This is our weird.

Let's fix it. No, he's sick. That's not

how elephants live. An elephant in the

Serengeti isn't like, I have a lump. I

have to see my oncologist.

When an elephant gets cancer, he falls

over and he takes his [ __ ] turn and

becomes food.

You don't put an elephant in a

state-of-the-art.

What if you find cancer? What are you

going to give him? Chemotherapy,

a skinny elephant with a pink baseball

hat.

Each day is a gift.

[Music]

PR. We always listen to NPR because

we're better than you.

And uh

so we're listening to NPR at breakfast

the other morning and there's this one

story where they kept using this phrase.

They kept saying 9/11 deniers. They kept

saying that 9/11 deniers. And my

daughter was like, "What is that?" And I

said, "Well, it's a group of people that

think September 11th was a conspiracy."

And she said, "Oh, I thought they were

saying 911 deniers.

Yeah, she thought they meant nine people

who just ain't buying this 11 [ __ ]

Just a uh small fringe group really.

There's only nine of them,

but they still got on NPR. They got on

the radio because they're dedicated.

They protest every day.

They're the 911 deniers.

They're outside of the White House. It

goes 10, 12, 13.

Know it.

We are the 911 deniers.

We know that 11 is a [ __ ] number

propagated on the people by the man.

Why do we have 11

when we have 13

and 14 and 15,

16,

17,

[ __ ] 18 and 19,

but we do not have a one team.

What happened to one team?

The government took one team and

replaced it with some [ __ ] called

11.

We are the nine that deny that [ __ ]

Mr. President, give us back one team.

I don't mean to offend any Chinese

people with the stereotype, but

that's right. I'm Chinese,

[ __ ]

I lived in Shanghai.

I'm Chineseer than a [ __ ]

The chopsticks and whatnot.

All right.

I'm sorry. Here's the thing.

Stereotypes are harmful.

That's the truth. But the the voices are

funny. And I I don't know how to

reconcile those two facts.

I enjoy doing the voices, but they're

offensive. So, I do them at home. I used

to do them for my kids when they were

little. They liked them. They didn't

know it was a race thing. They just

enjoyed. Daddy, do the friendly man. You

want me to be the friendly man, little

girl?

We love the friendly men.

He loves little white girls, too. Let's

have some scrambled eggs.

And then they grew up and I was like,

"Don't talk about the friendly manager.

Maybe don't talk to your teachers about

them."

My kids go to public school in New York

City and uh they Yeah. All right. Um,

send your kids there then. Teach them

that that's what life is like.

The teachers amaze me because I don't

know. This is the worst. You This is the

worst thing about this country to me is

that there's there's no more noble

profession than to be a public school

teacher. It's easily Please, please

don't. You're not going to like it.

You're not going to like where it's

going. I don't recommend clapping at any

things. You'll regret it at the end of

the thing.

In a democracy, there's no more noble

contribution you can make than to teach

in a public school. And in this country,

the people that do that, they're [ __ ]

losers.

They're just rock bottom [ __ ] losers.

And everybody knows it, but they keep

doing it. New people are teaching every

day knowing how shitty it is. They show

up. They tell them ahead of time, "Hi,

what is this job?" And they say, "Okay,

here's what we need you to do. We need

you to make children know math."

Wow. Do they want to know math? No, they

don't want to know it. You need to make

them know it against their will

while they're exploding sexually. And be

Who are these children? Just whatever

kids live near the building.

How much do I get paid? About $10 every

four years.

What if I get really good at it? What

happens? Nothing. Nothing happens.

Nobody notices and you get fired and you

die alone.

Okay, I'll try it for 25 years.

My daughter's learning about Greek

mythology and she was asking me

questions about it. She was like,

"Daddy, who's Achilles's mother?" I

said, "I don't [ __ ] know. Don't ask

me that [ __ ]

I don't know who Achilles's mother is.

Don't yell it out if you know it,

please. It's camp. Nobody cares what you

know."

She had a question about Achilles and it

was an interesting question and I'll

tell it to you but first the story of

Achilles real quick. Achilles was a

baby, he was a Greek um baby and

he didn't stay that way. But when he was

a Greek baby, his mother who was a

goddess um took him into the river

sticks which is at Hades, the land of

the dead. And she dipped him in the

water of the river sticks because there

was a magical quality to that water that

you it would make you impervious of any

harm. You couldn't be hurt. It was like

a shield, right? So she she dipped him

in that water to protect him, but she

held him by the heel. That's the

important detail. Held him by the heel,

which is an awkward way to hold a baby.

By the heel. Try holding a baby by the

heel and dipping it in a river.

You will never see that baby again.

I lose that baby in the water.

I was trying to wash him and he fell in

the river.

Sorry, Miss Achilles. I lose your baby.

You told me to hold him by the hill. He

asleep.

Achilles's mother is a Mexican nanny.

It's a lesserk known character in the

Iliad. Anyway,

his mother, she was able to hold on, of

course, because she was a goddess. She

was the goddess of grip or whatever, I

don't know. And she held on and then he

was protected except on his heel. His

heel was not protected. And so that's

what we call your Achilles heel, your

one vulnerable place. Everybody's got

their Achilles heel. Achilles's Achilles

heel was his heel.

Like literally.

Anyway, so my daughter, here was her

question. She said, "How come his mother

didn't just dip him again?

She could have just dipped him one more

time with the other leg in there.

Did she just like get You're like a sign

that says one dip per goddess?"

Did you ever color an Easter egg? It's

not that complicated. You dip it and

then you hold it differently and dip it

again.

Smart kid. I I I was proud of her. But

at the same time, I thought, who the

[ __ ] are you to judge this woman?

It bothered me. Cuz here's what the

story of Achilles teaches me. Is that if

you're a parent, it's never enough what

you do for these [ __ ]

It's just never enough. It's still going

to be your fault.

How much more do you want from a mother?

She dipped her kid in magic water and

protected 99% of his body. Is any of it

up to him?

He could have just wore a big shoe and

be careful.

But he goes out in sandals, [ __ ]

flipflops

and a sword and fights the whole planet.

I'm Achilles cuz my mother dipped me.

Finally, somebody got him in the heel

and he's like, "Mom,

thanks a lot, Mom."

I live in New York City and uh it's okay

there. I live in a nice building. I

never lived in a nice place before. When

I was growing up, I had no money. Um I

mean, my mom didn't didn't matter. I was

a child, but um I'm not used to it

because it's nice. It's like a pretty

courtyard with flowers and a fountain

with little marble boys pissing. I don't

know what is it with fountains.

Like all fountain sculptors are

pedophiles. Basically, you can't get a

fountain made without

you make me a fountain. Yes, I'll get

started right away.

Yes. Ah,

it's finished.

And it's just little boys pissing on the

face of a Greek god that looks like him

a lot. Ah, piss on me forever.

Anyway, there's one of those in the

courtyard of my building. And uh my

first week in the building about a year

ago, I went down to the courtyard for

the first time and uh I didn't look too

good. You know, it was a Sunday morning.

That's my least presentable hour.

A lot of, you know, just stains, just

like, you know, food and me and

whatever. And so I'm s I'm sitting

there.

So shut up.

Oh.

Anyway, but so there I was. I'm sitting

on the stone bench in this courtyard and

uh feeling a little out of place. You

know, there's these fancy dormmen and

stuff and then there's this guy looking

at me. I noticed he's looking at me from

across the courtyard and he's all spiffy

looking. He's got brown shoes and he's

looking at me like, hm. I could tell he

was thinking I don't live in the

building. He thinks I just wandered in

off the street and sat in a courtyard. I

can tell he's thinking of coming over

and dealing with me on his own. And I'm

sitting there thinking like, "Oh, please

do that. Yes, please. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on." And

I'm trying to look even more gross. And

I'm like pulling up my shirt, whatever.

And then I see him go, "Oh, no. That's

not going to do it all." And he comes

over to me. H.

And I'm like, I'm so excited to have

this thing.

The confrontation where I'm not wrong at

all. And he thinks I am. So he comes

over, says, "Uh, excuse me. Do you live

in this building?" And I said, "No,

cuz why not start there?"

I said, "No." He goes, "Well, then what

are you doing here?"

And I said, "I just need to rest. I'm

having a hard time."

He says, "This is private property." And

I said, "Well, I don't really believe in

that." You know, just the worst things I

could say from his point of view is

basically all the things I was saying.

And he goes, "Well, if you don't leave,

I'm going to talk to the doorman." I was

like, "Can I just stay like five more

hours?" So

he's no and he goes over to the door man

and I see him talking about me to the

door man like this and then I see the

door man going oh no that guy lives here

that's okay

and the look on his face it was just so

it was this beautiful

cocktail of anger and confusion.

It's like I had invented a new way to

hurt somebody's feelings. That's that's

how excited I was.