Original subtitles

- You are trespassing.

Halt, do not proceed any further.

Halt, do not proceed any further.

You are trespassing.

Halt, you are trespassing!

You will be arrested and charged with unlawful entry.

Do not proceed any further.

You have broken the law and you will be prosecuted!

You have trespassed onto private property.

Halt, do not proceed any further.

You are trespassing.

Stop, you are trespassing, proceed no further.

Halt, you are trespassing, proceed no further.

This is your last warning.

Stop where you are.

You're trespassing, do not proceed any further.

This is your last warning.

Stay where you are.

You're surrounded, give yourself up.

- Okay, you got me.

- You stay right there, missy, you're trespassing.

- Oh, I'm not a thief or anything.

No, I'm a writer.

See, my name is Kate Tosconi.

I write for "Contemporary Woman magazine."

I'm doing a feature on railroads.

- You mean people are still interested in trains?

You're talking about a bygone era.

- Precisely.

I mean, when it comes to trains,

my generation missed the boat.

There was a time

when a person could board a train with expectations.

There was glamor, mystery, romance.

Two strangers meet on a train.

She, a beautiful young lady on her way to Paris.

He, a gorgeous young hero, fleeing Gestapo agents.

- You sure got some imagination, Kate.

- Later, in the dining car, they clink crystal

and toast Lady Luck for bringing them together.

- Hey, you'd better be careful,

you're gonna see an old man cry.

- There's just nothing exciting about railroads anymore.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry about that.

- Game point.

- Forget it, baby, you're not gettin' my 20 bucks.

- And to think I spotted you 10 points.

- It's only a game.

- Winning's everything, Joe,

even if you have to give up your body to make a point.

- Yeah, let's just hope we score

with your money man, Tucker.

- I tell you, Joe,

law offices should be like the corner drugstore,

within arm's reach of the average guy.

- I think it's a great idea.

Let's just hope that Tucker thinks so too.

10 bucks says you can't name the judge

in the original Sacco and Vanzetti trial.

- Webster Thayer.

- Double or nothin' for the start date.

- May 31st, 1921.

40 Georges, pay up, sucker.

- I don't have it on me at the moment.

You got change for 100?

- No, and you haven't got 100.

- Double or nothin' I get to work before you do.

- You allergic to money?

- Gotcha.

- Hiya, Pop. - Hi, Kate.

Scooter gave you away. - Stool pigeon.

- Well, this is a surprise.

What brings you here?

- A friendly face and a free lunch.

- Well, your timing is perfect.

I've got an hour before my next class.

- Yeah, I got some great stuff for my article on the rails,

but most of the romance is gone.

- Well, take a bus.

- Pop, at least try to fake a little enthusiasm

for what I'm doing.

- Look, you should be writing

about something more important.

- This is important to me.

- You're wasting your talent on these superficial articles.

- Well, I'm not ready to give the great American novel

a shot yet.

- Okay.

Okay, look, how about a sandwich, huh?

- Yeah. - Today I made whole wheat,

it's probably still warm.

- You know, despite everything,

you're still the best mom a kid ever had.

So what are you lecturing on today?

- Marbury versus Madison, 1803.

Also known as the case of the midnight judges.

About the political bigwigs

who appointed their friends as judges

just before a change of administration.

- I think I'll wait for the movie.

Oh, by the way, did my service transfer my calls

from my apartment while I was gone?

- Yeah, here are your messages.

Your editor called twice.

And that playboy friend of yours, Evan Sellers,

is staying at the Lake Michigan Club.

- He's cute.

- Yeah, cute.

Chicago is full of cute people.

What have you got against guys

with a little something on the old ball, huh?

- Nothing, except they don't want a woman

with something on the old ball.

- Look, I'm serious, you keep having relationships

you know won't get anywhere.

- And that suits me just fine.

A serious relationship just gets too complicated.

- Won again, I see.

- It was double or nothing.

- I can understand subscribing to magazines as a hobby,

but why so many strange ones?

"Beverage Retailers Weekly," "Chinchilla Ranching,"

"Midwifing Journal?"

- What can I tell you, Eve, I'm a Renaissance man.

- And when they get old enough,

he sells them to doctors for their waiting rooms.

Tucker call? - Nope.

- Anything for me? - Mm-hmm.

Al Skinner from the public defender's office called twice.

He has a client with two wives and no money.

- No wonder.

- He wants you to handle it, no fee.

- Of course, call Al and tell him.

- Ah-ah, not so fast.

Whitaker and Johnson can wait.

Campbell is urgent, and the rest you decide.

- Is that it? - And your wife called.

- She's not my wife any longer.

Joe? - Yo.

- Joe, you're my attorney.

Would you please call Jessica and find out what she wants?

Now, is that it?

- No, will you marry me?

- No.

- Well, then, I guess that's it.

- Jessica just won't let go.

- Can you blame her?

- But she left him.

- Maybe she just meant to go out for cigarettes.

- Hey, Nancy. - Hi, Kate.

- Dottie, hi.

Wait till you see what I got cookin' on the train feature.

- Kate, I'm sorry, I gotta kill it.

- What?

Oh, Dottie, I have put weeks in on this feature.

I love it, it's part of me.

Romance on the rails.

- Yes, but Harvey has got other ideas.

- You've gotta be kidding.

"Mail Order Bride?"

Come on, this is the 20th century.

- It's also the age of self-help.

The ultimate in self-help is nailing yourself a husband.

I think there's a story there.

- It's repulsive.

- Strong words for a woman who has just written a feature

on female mud wrestling.

- Yeah, well, that was degrading and sick.

This is worse, it's sad.

- Have fun.

- Dottie, wait a second.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Look, I'm willing to pay my dues like anybody else,

but give me a crack at something real,

something I can feel passionate about.

- You can't feel passionate about love and marriage?

- Not on a bet. - Wait a minute.

Could you see me before you go today?

Love sells magazines, kiddo.

- All right, all right, let me make a deal with you.

Promise you'll run romance on the rails in the next issue

and I'll give your mail-order bride story my best shot.

- It's a deal. - Terrific.

Mail-order brides,

you know, I thought the stuff went out with the gold rush.

Look at this, semi-attractive female, 58, seeks man.

Looks unimportant, must have own car and like to eat.

Brother she had the guts to run her picture too.

- It's all part of date and mate.

- Mm, now, what kind of guy is gonna answer

one of these ads anyway?

- Kate, that is what you are going to tell

"Contemporary's" six million readers in June.

- June?

The month for brides, what a sick joke.

- Now I have taken the liberty of using this photograph

for your ad in "Mail Order Bride."

- What?

No, wait a second.

You want me to advertise for a husband?

Uh, no.

- Kate, just look on it as a learning experience.

It isn't any different from the research you do

for any story.

- You know, this is really going above and beyond

the call of duty.

Seems to me I'm gonna deserve a feature

on the contributors page, picture and write-up.

- I will seriously consider it.

- Yeah, well, you already have the picture,

and I have taken the liberty of drafting the copy.

- What a thorough girl. - Mm-hmm.

Tell me something,

what happens if some poor slob actually answers my ad?

Do I marry him and live happily ever after

until the story runs in the June issue?

- Oh, don't be silly, it's never gonna get that far.

- Oh, yeah, easy for you to say.

- Okay, just to keep this ad authentic,

I've used your real name.

- You wrote this, huh? - Mm-hmm.

- Attractive, single, early 20s,

want to meet anyone sincere about marriage.

Hurry, offer limited.

You bet it is.

- Ah, no more, skipper.

I gotta see a man about his two wives later.

- What's a two-letter word

for around the world in the fast lane?

- I give up.

- M-E.

- Sorry, I'm meeting someone.

Hi.

What's a six-letter word for sincere?

Ah, Robert.

By the way, that's me.

- Rita, I'm doing this

because I want Robert to find someone

and be as happy as we are.

- I know, you're trying your best.

But why are you doing this, it's none of your business.

- It is my business.

Robert is my best friend,

and he hasn't cared about anyone since his divorce.

And I am going to fix that.

- Okay, honey. - All right, see you tonight.

- See these books get back to the law library, will ya?

- Was it hit and run last night,

or did she leave her number?

- Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Did Tucker return my call?

- Sorry.

- How can you convince a man

you have the proposition of a lifetime

if he won't return your call?

- Send a telegram.

- Yeah.

- Was here before me this morning.

- Probably writing home for money.

- "Dear Kate, I am writing in response to your advertisement

"in 'Mail Order Bride.'

"It strikes me that we have a lot in common.

"I too am looking for a mate, and quick.

"I'm a Los Angeles lawyer, I have my own practice,

"and lead a celibate life."

- Go on.

- "I am in good health and have no bad habits.

"Well, none to speak of.

"If what you're reading sounds good,

"please respond at your earliest convenience.

"This too is a limited offer.

"Sincerely, Robert Fitzgerald.

"P.S. I've enclosed my photo."

- There's your angle.

L.A. lawyer locks door on singles scene,

waits for right girl with the right key.

- And that's the best in the lot.

- I think Fitzgerald's our man.

- What kind of man sends half a picture?

- Kind of man with something to hide.

- Oh, most men are hiding something.

But once they get what they want, they're all the same.

- "Singing the Blues." - Tony Bennett.

- Wrong, Guy Mitchell, you hose the deck.

- I suppose while I'm hosing down the deck,

you and Rita would like to go below and be alone.

- We were alone twice this morning,

and I'm sure we will be alone again later.

Morning, darling, mwah.

I'll make some chichi.

- Mm-hmm. - Robert?

- Yes, please.

- Don't forget to open the can first.

- Very funny, darling.

I'm in stitches, Joe.

- I've got the bet of a lifetime for you.

- What?

- The wager to end all wagers.

Here's the setup.

Two grand says you can't stay out of bed for two weeks.

- 2,000 bucks against a romp? - Uh-huh.

- What's the catch?

- Here are the conditions.

You must take someone into your life, I choose the girl,

you spend two weeks with her.

- Are you kidding?

That's a piece of cake.

- Close contact.

If you weaken, your pleasures will cost you two big ones.

- Come on, Joe, with 2,000 bucks at stake,

Bo Derek couldn't get me into bed.

- Then you accept?

- I smell a rat.

- Afraid of the challenge, huh?

- That's not it. - No discipline?

- I'm very disciplined.

- I don't think you can do it.

- I can too.

- Prove it.

- Okay.

- Right there.

- Uh-oh, I'm in trouble.

- I'll say, you're engaged.

- What?

- Oh, by the way, you and Kate have been corresponding.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

- Do we like each other?

- You'll soon find out.

She's coming to Los Angeles for two weeks

to learn about you.

- You're awfully sure of yourself.

- I know you.

You can't turn down a bet or a beautiful woman.

- When does the wager begin?

- Tomorrow night at seven when her train gets in.

- Train?

What do you expect from a mail-order bride?

- You'll love her.

- Yeah, what if she falls for me?

What if she really wants to get married?

- She knows part of the deal is it's strictly on approval.

- Like a freezer?

- Either one of you can run at any point.

- Why do I let you talk me into these things?

- 'Cause you're a sucker.

Think of it as a game.

What's the worst that can happen?

You have a few laughs, maybe you lose a couple of grand.

- All right, let me get this straight.

All I have to do is stay out of bed for two weeks,

and I win the two grand?

- It's a snap for anybody but you.

- What makes you so sure I can't do it?

- I know you.

You can't resist anything in a skirt,

especially when she looks like Kate.

- I do have some willpower.

- Robert, I've seen you in an ice cream parlor.

Matter of fact, I've already got the two grand spent

buying radar for the boat.

- Radar, what for?

You never go anywhere.

- That's not the point.

I like to know it's there.

- Not so fast, wise guy.

Let's up the stakes, put a little fire in the game.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'll bet my car against your boat.

- You know, I'd hate to take that car away from you.

- I would love to take that boat away from you.

- You're on.

- You told Kate I was celibate?

- Uh-huh.

- Then the bet's half won right there.

- You know, I just hope Kate's not like most women.

They find out a guy's celibate,

they will do anything in the book to reform him.

- The next train is arriving from Chicago.

- If that's her train, she must be coming in from Latvia.

- Robert, hi, I'm Kate.

- Welcome to L.A.

- For me?

- Yeah.

- Thanks.

- Let me help you with these.

- Okay.

They're heavy, but on wheels.

Why don't we just go 50-50?

- What is it?

- Spanish colonial.

I'm a railroad freak.

L.A.'s Union Station is a landmark.

- I guess I'm more of a friendly skies kind of guy.

- Oh, planes are just buses with wings.

They get you where you're going, but trains,

ah, they're an experience.

You are so lucky, do you realize what you've got?

- Sometimes.

- A piece of Americana, fully maintained.

This terminal is a masterpiece.

- Yeah, but who sees it?

A bunch of people with a fear of flying.

- Oh, it's so sad.

Can you imagine what it was like?

Thousands of people a day coming and going.

You know, during the war this terminal was the funnel

for servicemen from all over the country.

They'd pour into here and be shipped down to Seattle

and up to San Diego.

Can you just imagine the goodbyes

that have bounced off these walls?

- Wait, what'd you think you're doing?

Show some respect, will ya?

That's my car!

This ain't Daytona, man!

You're dead meat!

- How's your blood pressure?

- I'm sorry.

Uh-uh, no shoes in there.

- Oh, sorry.

Thank you.

- May I take your order?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

- What does that mean?

- Here's mud in your eye.

- Oh.

Mm.

- Is this your first time in L.A.?

- No, I was here years ago with my father.

I think I told you that in one of my letters.

- Right, years ago.

Sometimes my memory deserts me.

- Must be a real handicap for a lawyer.

- I manage.

- My father's a lawyer too,

but he doesn't practice, he teaches.

I think I mentioned that, didn't I?

- Yes, I believe you did.

- Trying to guess my weight?

- No, no.

So you haven't told me what you do for a living.

- Yes, I have, in my letters.

I told you that I type in an office.

I don't think you read my letters.

- Oh, yes, yes, I did.

It's just you're different from what I expected.

- Oh, you're very much like your letters, all six of them.

- Well, I guess I just have a way with words.

- I was really touched by your sincere desire

to find a woman who will let you love her with all you have.

- I'm glad you caught that.

Mm, doesn't that look good?

- Scrumptious.

- Try that. - What is it?

- Uni uzura, sea urchin with quail egg, you'll love it.

- You know, I'm really not very hungry.

- Oh, come on, try it, it's delicious.

Just let it slide down.

- Mm. - Hm.

- You know, I really should be honest with you.

See, I like meat, steak, hamburgers, everything on 'em.

But you really should know that, I told you.

- In a letter.

- Would you like to take a picture?

- No, thank you.

- Mm, yes, please, for my scrapbook.

Smile.

These gardens are so beautiful, so simple.

The Japanese believe that less is more.

- I remember you mentioned that in one of your letters.

- I think most people are lonely.

It's a condition of modern life, don't you think?

- Only when I'm paid to.

- No, seriously, wouldn't you say people are desperate

to reach out to one another?

- What is this, an interview?

- Sorry, I was just trying to get to know you better.

- We have two weeks, relax.

- How do you feel about kids?

- I love 'em on other people.

- Well, one of the reasons people get married

is to have children.

- What are the other reasons?

- Love, loneliness, lust.

Do you ever feel any?

- Yes, all three.

- But in your letters you said you were celibate.

- That's right, I said that, and it's true.

- Do you mind my asking why?

- It's not easy to talk about.

You see, I was always a very romantic kind of guy.

I was consumed with pursuing women,

it was all I ever thought about.

You can't imagine how many times I cried myself to sleep.

Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore

and I stopped thinking of women in that way.

Ever since then, my life has been peaceful, almost serene.

I even thought of joining a monastery in the Himalayas,

but I'm afraid of heights.

I think that's enough revelations for one night.

- Yeah, one more thing.

Do you snore?

- Ow.

- Look, that guy is on his knees.

- Must be out of gratitude, I gave him a big tip.

- These rooms are all alike from coast to coast.

I suppose that's to be able to make you feel comfortable.

Can you just put that over there, please, on the bed?

Thank you, I just wanna unpack a little bit,

let some of the wrinkles out.

I have a great idea.

Why don't I order some wine

and we can sit around and talk a while.

- Great.

- Terrific, I'll call room service.

- Oh, you know, on second thought, it's really kinda late,

and you must be tired from your trip,

it was really long and everything.

And to tell you the truth,

I have an early appointment in the morning,

so why don't we just, well, good night.

Whoa! - Oh, gee.

Are you all right?

- Yeah.

I'll call you tomorrow.

- Ugh, not the machine.

Dottie, Dottie, I know you're there.

Look, it's 2:00 a.m. in Chicago and I hope I woke you.

I don't like this whole setup.

I met Fitzgerald, and he's nice, he even has morals.

I just don't think it's fair to toy with him,

so I'm coming back tomorrow.

I knew you were there.

Yeah, well, some things in life

are just a little bit more important than a job.

Yeah, well, when you put it that way,

maybe I am jumping the gun.

Yes, yeah, okay, yes, I'll stay,

but you owe me for this, good night.

Oh, why couldn't he have been a creep?

- Hey, Joe?

Robert.

Listen, I'm gonna do my best here

to maintain our friendship and our business relationship.

Yeah, look, I'm prepared to offer you the opportunity

to withdraw without penalty from this wager.

No, no.

No, no, look, I am perfectly capable of abstaining from sex

for two weeks.

What do you thinK I am, some kind of maniac?

No, look, it's just a rotten thing

to do to somebody, that's all.

No, I am not afraid of losing my car.

Oh, no, no, no, no, listen, you just make sure

that you keep the Damfino shipshape for me, that's all.

Yeah, oh, and another thing.

I want a copy of all the correspondence

between Kate and me on my desk in the morning.

Yes.

Not a chance.

Good night.

- Hi, is Mr. Fitzgerald in?

- Oh, who shall I say is calling?

- His fiancee.

- No kidding.

Well, in that case, I ought to warn you,

he was in a rotten mood when he came in this morning.

- Well, I'll take my chances.

- That's the spirit.

Your fiancee is here.

Will he know what this is regarding?

- What are you doing here?

- You said you'd call, I got tired of waiting.

- That's no way to treat your fiancee.

- You're right.

I'm sorry.

- How could you do this to me?

- Would you keep out of this?

- Told you he was in a rotten mood.

My name is Eve Whister.

- Oh, Kate Tosconi.

- If you don't mind my asking,

how long have you two known each other?

- Since last night.

- But we've been corresponding.

- I'll just bet you have.

- Kate, hello.

- Hi.

- I'm Joe Kimbel.

- Joe, Robert wrote me about you, told me how hard you work.

- Oh, no harder than my partner here.

- Oh, come on, don't be modest.

According to Robert,

you're the brains behind this whole operation.

- Well, I think we've really got to be going now.

- Nice to have met you.

- Drive carefully.

- What's going on here?

- Why ask me?

- Something's fishy.

- I'll bet you lunch Robert and Kate fall in love.

- I bring my own, thank you.

- Look, I'm sorry I didn't call first,

but I don't think I committed an unpardonable sin.

- You invaded my workspace.

- Oh, I get it, a woman's place is in the home?

- Don't reduce my feelings to a cliche.

- You sure keep a neat house.

You're positive there's not a woman in your life somewhere?

Or a maid?

- Neither, just some self-respect.

I like neat, orderly surroundings.

Where are you going?

Hey, where are you going?

Hey.

It's a bedroom, it's just like any other bedroom.

There's a closet, dresser, bed.

- It's awfully plain.

- It's a bedroom, Kate.

I sleep here with my eyes closed.

- Who's this?

- It's my ex-wife.

- Oh, well, I think it's nice

that you still keep her picture by your bed.

- I keep it as a warning, actually,

so I don't make the same mistake twice.

- I see.

- I'm sorry, look,

she really doesn't have anything to do with you.

Come on, let's go downstairs and make dinner.

I'm starved.

Peel the eggplant carefully,

making certain not to bruise the flesh, we did that.

- Couldn't we just order a pizza?

- In your letters you said you love to cook.

- I do, yes, I do.

- Chop the flesh and place in mixing bowl.

- It is chopped and I am placing.

- Mm, toss in very hot oil until lightly browned.

- Okay. - Ah.

- Robert, I'm just as happy eating off paper plates.

- I'm not.

If I don't treat myself well, who will?

Kate.

- Ah.

- Get back from it.

- Thanks.

Here we go.

What is it that I made again?

- Moussaka.

- Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

So I'm no good in the kitchen.

When it says to serve the salad undressed,

I take off my clothes.

- I've got a better idea.

- Now this, I can handle.

I get the feeling that, do I make you uncomfortable?

- Well, maybe it's the way we met.

- Now I'm uncomfortable.

- I'm sorry.

- Well, you know, a woman in my position is very vulnerable.

I mean, you could send me back to Chicago at any moment.

- It's a two-way street, you know?

You can pick up and go back anytime you want to.

- Maybe we just need some more time

to adjust to one another.

- Hmm, who knows, we might even end up as good a team

as peanut butter and jelly.

I feel like some champagne, you?

It's just a quick trip.

- I would love some.

- Am I in trouble?

Is that an alarm?

- My watch, it's my watch.

I was timing the moussaka.

- Ah, the bubbly, I shall return.

Maybe next time I should wear squeaky shoes.

- You scared me.

How'd you get back so fast?

- I have a friend next door, she keeps this for emergencies.

What're you doing?

- My button came off,

so I was looking for a needle and thread.

- Next time, ask.

- Yeah.

Thank you.

- Here, hold this, let me have that needle.

Button, thread, thank you.

Up, up, get up.

- Mm, why?

- Are all Chicago girls as undomestic as you?

- Mm, just don't stick me with that thing.

- Don't worry, I'm good at this.

- I would have been just as happy with beer.

- Mm.

- Mm.

- Hm.

Let's call it a night.

- Was it something I said?

- No, it's late.

- Hey.

- Why did you do that?

- Oh, brother, I give up.

Look, I wanna ask you something and I want an honest answer.

- Sure.

- Do you find me sexually unappealing?

- No, no, of course not.

- Well, don't you think we should, you know,

find out if we're compatible before it's too late?

- I'm beginning to think that all women are alike.

You're only after one thing.

- Why did he bring me 2,000 miles?

Lord knows he doesn't need a wife.

He can cook, clean, and sew better than most women.

I want him to open up, but I can't tell him the truth.

I don't even know why I care, it's just a story.

Or is it?

- So, we'll move Perkins from three today to 10 tomorrow?

- Great.

- Not so fast there, lightning.

- Oh, man, of all days to be late.

Tucker called, he's got the afternoon free

and he wants us to come over to his place.

He wants to meet the women behind the men.

I'll call Rita.

You call Kate, she is your fiancee.

- Wait a minute,

if Tucker finds out the woman behind the man

was ordered through the mail, we're in big trouble.

- You can pull it off.

Tucker, way to go. - Ah.

- Why don't I just stay here and hold down the fort?

- We want to put 10 storefront law offices

in working class shopping centers throughout Los Angeles.

- And that way we'll be able to put a lawyer

within arm's reach of the average guy.

- Increasing 10 offices to 20 in three years' time?

You with me?

- Yes, sir, that's correct.

- I like it, and I like you.

You got a good reputation, solid.

That's important to me.

- Are you saying we can count on you?

- I have to talk to my people.

- Sounds good, huh, Mr. Tucker?

I mean, Joe and Robert wanna do for law

what the colonel did for chicken.

- Well, now, that's a very good way of putting it.

Fitzgerald, your little fiancee

is gonna make a very helpful wife.

- Hey, Mr. Tucker.

Oh!

Do you wanna play some water polo?

- Water polo?

- Uh-huh.

- Careful, dear, you don't want too much sun.

- It doesn't seem to have done Rita any harm.

Let's play polo.

- Oh, good.

- Geronimo! - Bye bye!

Whoo!

- Funny, I can never get Arch near the water.

- Well.

- Boy, that was fun.

I haven't had so much fun.

You know, you can tell a lot about a man

by looking directly at his wife.

- Oh.

- I'm impressed with you and your partner.

- All right.

- No, oh.

- Robert?

Robert?

Oh!

Don't scare me like that.

- What if I would have really been drowning?

- I would have given you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

- Let's dry off.

- Aren't you glad we came now?

- Yeah, I love it.

I feel just like a little kid.

The attention to detail is incredible.

Everything looks so real. - It's amazing.

Wait, look at this.

More hours went into the planning and crafting

of this model engine than was required in the manufacturing

of the original locomotive.

- Imagine going to all that trouble for a facsimile.

- Mister, have you seen my father?

- No, but I'll bet he's around here somewhere.

Maybe he got lost.

- You think so?

- What's your name?

- John.

- Well, John, I'll tell ya what we'll do.

We'll stay right here.

The best thing to do in a situation like this

is to stay in one place, keep a sharp eye out,

and we'll find him.

I'm Robert, that's Kate.

Keep an eye on her for me, will ya?

Thanks.

- Whoa, what's this? - Well, he wasn't over

by the ice cream stand, but.

- Yum.

- Are you somebody's mommy and daddy?

- No.

- You should be, you're nice.

Hi, Dad, you get lost?

- Did I ever.

- You were right.

- Your son was worried.

- Thanks.

Come on, John, here we go.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

They don't even have any little kids.

- You like kids, don't you?

- I'm crazy about them.

- Why didn't you and Jessica ever have any?

- She had other priorities.

- What really happened between the two of you?

- I don't wanna talk about it.

- Oh, come on, you're gonna have to tell me sooner or later.

Now's as good a time as any.

- There's nothing much to tell.

It's just the story of two people and one of them left.

- Well, that's not uncommon.

It's still painful, I'm sure.

- We were married when I was still in law school.

She put me through.

After I got established it was my turn to put her through.

We had it made.

Then she met someone else, a younger man.

Six years together over without warning.

I came home one day and the apartment was empty.

She cleaned me out.

Everything except the dust under the bed.

- That's a tough one.

- That's the way it goes.

- Yeah, so did you see her again?

- In court, when the divorce became final.

- Mm.

- I'm sorry.

- For what?

- For not telling you about this before.

- I'm glad you finally did.

- Whole experience left me a little gun-shy.

- You'll be okay.

You just need some more time.

- Kate, I want you to know my feelings for you are real.

- Robert, I don't deserve you.

- No, I don't deserve you.

- Look, I know my last outing in the kitchen was a disaster,

but let me have another chance.

Let me fix dinner for you

and we'll spend a nice quiet evening at home,

light the fire, have some wine.

- Let's go out.

- I have to make a trip to the ladies' room.

I'll be right back.

- Okay, I'll order us another round.

- No more for me.

- Ah-ah, you have a lot of catching up to do.

Hm, Herb, I'm telling ya,

I never thought it would happen again, but it did.

It did.

- That's great, Robert.

- Robert, here, drink this

before you chase away all my customers.

- Dottie, hi, don't talk, just listen.

I am pulling out.

I'm in love with Robert, and I can't keep lying to him.

All my life I have been waiting to fall in love.

It finally happens, and I can't even tell the guy.

I am so ashamed.

What's he gonna say

when he finds out what I really do for a living?

Thank you, bye.

Is this what they call four on the floor?

- Yeah, stick shift.

- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

Why don't we go inside?

I think we're a little too old to neck in parked cars.

I think I can manage to boil some water.

Do you have any instant?

- No, no instant, only real coffee.

You'll always get an honest cup of coffee

in this house, Kate.

- Robert, I have a confession to make, so listen up.

- Shoot, I'm listening.

- I haven't been completely honest.

- Few people are.

- I'm not who you think I am.

- You are who you are, that's good enough for me.

- Oh, uh, whoa. - Oh.

- Come on.

- Where we going? - To bed.

- Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

There's a lot at stake for me, Kate.

- Robert, I don't wanna own you.

I just wanna share you.

- Oh, Kate, Kate.

I could always take the bus.

- Just wait one minute and I'll be right back.

Robert.

Robert?

Robert?

Robert.

You know something, Robert, you're no damn fun.

Good morning, how'd you sleep?

- Oh.

Ah!

- Coffee.

- Ah.

Don't you have any respect for a man's privacy?

- Oh, how can you talk about privacy after last night?

Now I'm a girl with a past.

You do remember last night, don't you, Robert?

I do, oh, you were wonderful.

You really know how to make a girl feel like a woman.

- Kate!

- You noticed.

I'll pay for any of the damages.

- I'd kill for five minutes with your diary.

- Joe, you won the bet.

- Oh, yeah!

- Unfortunately, last night Kate wrecked the car.

- You're kidding.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

The stakes of our bet called for your car, my boat

in operating condition.

- I know and I'm gonna take care of it.

- So that's it, you bet on Kate.

That's disgusting.

- I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- Don't worry about it.

I'll get a friend to give you a good deal on a subcompact.

- I love her.

- What?

- I love her.

- Make an honest woman of her, marry her.

- That may not be as simple as it sounds.

- Why not?

All it takes is two little words, I do.

- I'm going home.

I have some confessing to do.

- I'll come with you. - No, thanks,

you've done enough.

- I met a guy out here.

I'm in love.

Oh, Pop, I can't wait for you to meet him.

You are gonna have so much in common, he's a lawyer too.

Thanks, Pop.

I love you.

Okay, bye-bye.

Juicy.

Sentimental.

Oh, well, boys will be boys.

- Hi.

- Well, hi.

This is a nice surprise.

I was gonna go back to the motel

and pick up some fresh clothes.

That's an even nicer surprise.

You know, the funniest thing just happened.

Joe just called

and he was apologizing profusely for something,

but he couldn't bring himself to say what for.

- I think I can explain that.

Kate, first let me say, you are a terrific lady,

and as I got to know you, I got sick.

- Oh, thanks.

- No, no, sick in the sense that I like you so much

and there I was perpetrating a scam at your expense.

- Scam?

I'm confused.

- Well, it seems Joe and I made a bet.

So betting's something we do as a hobby, you've seen us.

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah, we bet on all sorts of things.

Who won the series in 1934, silly stuff, really.

- What kind of bet?

- I knew you were gonna ask me that.

Well, actually, it seems a bet on you this time,

that's what we bet on.

And I lost, if that's any consolation.

- What kind of bet, Robert?

- Well, it's all very innocent.

You see, I was to spend two weeks with you

and not go to bed with you.

And if I could do that then I won the bet.

- And the stakes?

- Joe's sailboat against my car.

But Kate, the whole thing backfired.

- Oh, it's all falling into place now.

Here I thought you were a little shy.

At times I thought maybe you had problems with women,

but most of the time I believed you were still hurting

from what Jessica did to you.

You made a fool out of me.

- I never meant to.

- Here, I found these.

- My past, everybody has one.

- Not interested.

It just goes to prove you were lying all along.

You don't want a relationship. - That's not true.

Yes, I was lying at first, but I didn't know--

- Not interested.

- Kate, will you stop saying "not interested"

and listen to me?

I want to make amends.

- Good, start by never attempting to call, write,

or contact me in any way.

- Kate, please.

I can't let you walk out of my life like this.

I love you.

- You don't know what love is.

By the way, you didn't lose the bet last night.

You weren't up to performing.

Can you imagine the humiliation?

My body against a sailboat and a car.

- The things we get ourselves into to get that story.

- You got me into this, and what happened?

I fell for the guy.

That makes me angry.

- Give it time, love lasts longer than anger.

- I am a journalist.

I am supposed to be able to keep these things separate.

And who said anything about love?

- Look at it this way, at least you got your man

even if you didn't get your story.

- Wait a minute, what do you mean didn't get my story?

I'm still writing that article.

That screwball courtship tells a hell of a lot

about the way men and women lie to each other.

I am gonna nail that California Casanova right to the wall.

- Okay, okay, if that's what you really want.

The deadline's Tuesday, 4:00 p.m.

- Okay, look, I'm gonna skip lunch.

I'll see you back at the office.

- He must have been something in bed, huh?

- I wouldn't know, I never slept with him.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Top of the morning to you, sisters.

- Kimbel, Fitzgerald.

Oh, thank god you're alive.

It's Robert. - Oh.

- He's in Mexico with a touch of the broken heart.

Listen, fella, things could be a lot worse.

I don't know how, that's just something you say to somebody

when they're in the pits.

No, no, Kate didn't call.

Okay, cheer up, huh?

Robert?

- Mexico?

- Our mail-order Casanova splits south of the border

to nurse his wounds.

- Hot stuff.

- At least it's from the heart.

- That's very good.

- Do you understand English?

I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing here

all hungover and miserable.

I've just gone through the old Mayan cure:

hot sun, tequila, limes.

It's guaranteed to leach out whatever ails you.

In this case, it's Kate.

Ours is your basic boy meets girl, boy loses girl story.

I based the whole thing on a lie, and she left me.

It's funny how things work out.

But the old Mayan cure worked.

I think I got her out of my system.

Mm.

- The Southland can expect a beautiful day.

Clear skies all through the Basin.

Humidity, 60%.

- Hello, hello, Kate?

- Now a look at the traffic conditions

here in Los Angeles and San Diego.

- Yes?

- Got a minute? - Yeah, sure, come on in.

What?

- Well, here.

- What?

- It seems Kate's a journalist.

- What do you know about this?

How long have you known about this?

- Robert--

- You knew from the start.

- Robert, I never thought it'd get this far.

I thought you'd lose the bet on the first night, honest.

- Ooh, it's a good thing I'm of legal age.

I'd hate to have missed this story.

"A cliche single

"who wouldn't know how to handle an honest emotion

"if he had one.

"He trifles with women's affections."

Oh, I don't think she likes you.

- Wait a minute, it's not all that bad.

She called us good lawyers with strong ambitions.

- Nothing in here about your devoted secretary though, hmm.

Kimbel, Fitzgerald.

Just a moment please.

Tucker.

- Hello, Mr. Tucker, how are ya?

Yes, sir, I saw the article.

Yes, sir, I know it reflects on everyone concerned.

- Mr. Tucker, Joe Kimbel here.

Please, don't make a rash decision.

Sleep on it, please.

Yes, sir.

- No, sir.

Joe, pull down the California code, will you please,

and read me the definition of libel.

- Libel, "False and unprivileged publication

"which exposes any person

"to hatred, contempt, ridicule, or obloquy,

"or which causes him to be shunned or avoided,

"or which has a tendency to injure him in his occupation."

- I'm going to sue Kate Tosconi for $10 million.

- Oh, goody, furs for Christmas.

- My character has been defamed,

my name has been dragged through the gutters,

my very livelihood has been threatened.

- She's such a little thing too.

- My friends have turned against me.

- That's not true.

- You set me up for this, Kimbel.

- I'm sorry, Robert, I thought I was doing you a favor.

- Some favor.

Eve, I want Valley Detective

to run a thorough check on Kate.

I wanna know everything about her.

- I love a mystery.

- Your mail-order groom is a first-rate lawyer.

- Then I guess I'll have to revise my opinion of him.

I thought he was a jerk.

Now he seems to be a first-rate jerk.

- His suit claims malicious intent and reckless conduct.

- Mumbo jumbo.

Am I in trouble?

- Maybe.

It's a good thing I'm a member of the California Bar

so I can represent you.

- Thanks, Pop.

- Articles like this one you wrote are explicitly excluded

from the protective mantle of privilege

unless they were written in a fashion

consistent with responsible journalism.

- You wanna try that in English?

- Fitzgerald claims that you recklessly

exposed him to ridicule.

- I told the truth.

Can I help it if he leads a ridiculous life?

- You'll be safe from a libel judgment

as long as he can't prove there was malice in your writing

about your relationship with him.

- Well, I'm not quite sure how I feel about him.

- Well, as your attorney,

I would advise you to determine your state of mind

before you take the witness stand.

- Mm.

- I think we should offer Fitzgerald a settlement.

- He wants $10 million.

- That's just the nuisance figure.

He's starting high in the hopes of settling for a fraction.

Taste that Gorgonzola sauce, will ya?

Now, he's just a slick West Coast lawyer

with no obvious regard for feelings.

He's seeing a chance to make a fast buck.

Let's settle.

- That's not true.

Robert may be a crook in his personal affairs,

but there's a strong current of integrity

running through him professionally.

That's gotta mean something.

- Look, let's settle, this is business.

When we go to L.A.,

we'll offer him a reasonable settlement, say 20,000.

- Oh, all right, but if he settles, I'll never forgive him.

Gentlemen, this is my father and attorney, Frank Tosconi.

- Hi. - Joe Kimbel.

- Robert Fitzgerald.

- Thank you.

- Dueling tape recorders.

- I have been authorized by my attorney

to offer you a cash settlement in the amount of $20,000.

- Joe, read her the damages.

- $10 million.

- I see that he reads for you too.

Does he still write your letters?

All we ask in return

is that the suit be settled with no prejudice to me.

There will be no admission of guilt or wrongdoing.

Cat got your tongue?

Or did you lose that in the bet too?

- No guilt or wrongdoing?

You're guilty as hell.

That kiss-and-tell twaddle that you write

is libelous yellow journalism,

sneaky and ripe with innuendo.

- Every word was based on painful research, slick,

and don't you forget it.

- You didn't give a damn who you libeled

as long as you made your deadline.

You tape recorded everything, you sneak.

You're not a writer, you're a transcriber,

a leech on other people's lives, a keyhole peeper.

- Look, you may not like what I wrote,

but I have the right to speak freely,

or haven't you ever read the First Amendment?

- Don't try wrapping your garbage in the Constitution.

You invaded my privacy and spied on me.

- You invited me, remember?

- There's nothing worse than a sneak.

- Unless it's a liar.

- I don't think this is getting us anywhere.

- Shut up.

- Look, I'm prepared to write you a check

right now, 20 grand.

- I'm not settling.

- Oh, I see, shaking me down for some more?

- No, I'm suing you because you made a public mockery

of my deepest feelings.

- That's impossible, you don't have any.

- This meeting is over.

You can find your own way out.

I'm suing you because you can't cook, you can't sew,

you wrecked my car, and you went through my drawers.

I'm suing you because I went to Mexico and drank the water!

Joe.

- Now what do I do?

- Thank you, Mr. Tucker.

Yes, that sounds fair, goodbye.

He's going to hold off till after the trial.

If I win, it's a go.

- If you lose? - Back to square one.

- Valley Detective really did their homework,

listen to this.

"Tosconi is one of the most highly regarded law professors

"at the University of Chicago."

- At least she didn't lie about that.

- Kate graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Vassar,

where she majored in journalism.

- I should tell them about the trash she's writing.

They'll probably want her degree back.

- She seems to be having some sort of relationship

with a man named Evan Sellers.

- I wonder if he knows who she really is.

- Handsome, not gainfully employed--

- And not interested in a serious relationship,

which is why Kate is interested in him.

The door was open.

Would you have a couple of minutes?

- Yes, you remember Joe Kimbel.

- Sure, hi. - How are ya?

- Eve Whister. - How do you do?

- Kate offered you a settlement

which would pretty much clean her out.

But we've managed to come up with another 5,000

if you're willing to drop the suit.

- No way, Mr. Tosconi.

- But that's all there is, the well's dry.

- Kate should have thought of that

before she wrote that article.

- You're not being very reasonable.

- I'm not in a reasonable mood.

- Robert, why don't you just drop this suit?

You've already made your point.

- I don't want Kate's money.

What I do want, what I insist on, is her apology.

- No way am I going to apologize.

- I'm only your lawyer.

- Let's go.

- Your Honor, I would like to call as my first witness,

Katerina Tosconi.

- Will Miss Tosconi please take the stand?

- You're gonna wish I never got off the train that day.

- I already do.

- Raise your right hand, please.

Do you swear that the testimony you're about to give

is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

so help you God?

- I do. - Be seated.

- 10 bucks says she shows her legs to the judge.

- Mr. Fitzgerald, it is not the custom of this court

for questioning to be conducted

by means of mental telepathy.

- Excuse me, Your Honor.

It is our intention to prove

that the article in question is libelous and defamatory,

and has caused the plaintiff

to be held in public ridicule and contempt.

I would like to begin

with the question of defamation of character.

- Alleged defamation.

- Your Honor, I would like to request

that the witness refrain from practicing law

while on the stand.

- Your point is well-taken, counselor.

Miss Tosconi, would you please allow Mr. Fitzgerald

to ask his questions without harassment?

- Yes, Your Honor.

- Please continue, Mr. Fitzgerald.

- Miss Tosconi, in your malicious article,

you attacked me as not fit to be anyone's husband,

and God forbid, any child's father.

You stated that he, meaning me, is, and I quote,

"A cliche single

"who wouldn't know an honest emotion if he had one.

"He trifles with women's affections.

"He has all the sincerity of a used car salesman."

- Yes, to the best of my recollection.

- On what grounds did you call me a trifler?

- On the grounds

that you sent me a one-way ticket to paradise

with no intention of marrying me.

That's what I call trifling.

- You were out for a story.

You had no intention of marrying me either.

- I have no intention of marrying anyone.

- Perhaps we should get back to trifling,

and leave marriage aside for the moment.

- I'm with you, Your Honor.

- Miss Tosconi, you've told the court you felt trifled with,

a woman scorned.

- I say he trifled with my affections.

They are my affections,

so I ought to know when they've been trifled with.

- That's one for the mail-order bride.

- And it is my contention that to seek revenge,

you set out to maliciously malign my name.

You must have hated me to write those things.

You were so consumed with getting your story,

you really never heard what it was I was saying to you.

Kate, I believed you.

I believed you like I never believed anyone before.

You let me down.

- We let each other down.

- Continue, Mr. Fitzgerald.

- Miss Tosconi, could you tell the court

how you felt when you discovered that Mr. Kimbel and I

had indulged in a harmless wager?

- Harmless?

It was cruel and thoughtless.

- And it made you angry.

- I was hurt, disappointed.

- Angry?

- Yes, that too, angry.

- Ah, you were angry.

According to California code, malice is, and I quote,

"That state of mind arising from hatred or ill will

"toward the plaintiff."

- So?

- So, anger leads to hatred and ill will.

When you sat down to write that article,

you deliberately and with malice aforethought

set out to smear my name.

- Malice has not been proved, Your Honor.

- Then let's turn to the question of libel.

Libel is anything which, and once again I quote,

"Has the tendency to injure the plaintiff

"in his occupation."

A business venture my partner and I were in was aborted

by the investor, Mr. Archibald Tucker,

when he read Miss Tosconi's article.

He believed what he read and felt that I was incapable

of handling my personal affairs,

and that I probably was incapable

of handling my business affairs as well.

- Tucker pulled out?

Robert, I'm sorry.

- That's very touching.

I ask you once again, Miss Tosconi,

can you deny that you wrote the offending article

with actual malice in your heart?

- Yes.

- May I remind you that you're under oath?

- There is no need to remind me.

- But you admit that you were angry.

- May I talk to you privately?

- Me?

- Your Honor, I have no malice toward this man.

- I can't hear you, Miss Tosconi.

- I have no malice.

I love this man.

I wish I didn't, but I do.

- Your Honor, I'm sorry,

but I must ask the witness to speak up.

- What I said is none of your business.

- Mr. Fitzgerald, Miss Tosconi claims

that she bears you no malice.

- How can she say that?

She wrote that scurrilous, heinous, libelous article.

- Miss Tosconi has also just told this court

that she loves you.

Mr. Fitzgerald, I believe the ball is in your court.

- Your Honor, I would like to suggest

that Mr. Fitzgerald would be willing to settle

for $1 in damages and a written apology.

- That's perfectly satisfactory to us, Your Honor.

I believe that to be a fair and equitable settlement.

- Well, I don't.

- Neither do I. - Perfectly unacceptable.

- Who offered?

- Let me get a word in here.

This court has a crowded calendar.

I think that the judgment is fair, and I so rule.

- Thank You.

Tucker says it's a go.

I'll get it.

- What did she write?

- One word, "Sorry."

- Congratulations, you won.

But you really lost, both of you did.

- How's that?

- You love Kate, and she loves you.

You let her slip through your fingers.

- Kate chose to go.

- Of course she did, but you didn't ask her to stay.

Didn't you ever go to the movies as a kid?

The girl always leaves so the guy will chase her,

it's a simple plot line.

It works in real life too.

Robert, please don't make the same mistake that I once did.

I went to the Left Bank in Paris to paint,

and I fell in love with an artist model,

an alabaster beauty who gave me such a hard time,

I don't even like to think about it.

But then, women like that are the only kind worth having.

But what did I know?

- Yeah, living with Rita's like

24 hours on a roller coaster.

- We had an argument,

and I let stiff-necked pride keep me from making up,

and I lost her to a Cubist painter

who made a career of knocking off Picasso.

- Kate's train's leaving in 20 minutes.

- Thank you.

Oh, by the way, how's the boat, good shape?

- Of course. - You keep her.

- May the Lord forgive me for telling lies to that boy.

- There was no artist model?

- I've never even been to Paris.

- I like you, Frank.

10 bucks says you can't name two Italian outfielders

in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

- Make it 50.

- The bad news is, Tucker's married.

But the good news is,

I hear he's a pushover for beautiful blondes.

- Everyone knows DiMaggio, but most people don't remember

that Yogi Berra played in the outfield

as well as behind the plate.

- Who is it?

- Porter, ma'am.

Anything I can get you before we pull out?

- Nothing, thank you.

Robert, get on, get on.

Just try and get on.

- Will you marry me?

- Not on a bet.

- 10 bucks says I can talk you into it before Cucamonga.

- Cucamonga?

You're on.