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1
00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:08,742
Oh! Brain freeze!
Brain freeze!
2
00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:11,312
Hang in there.
It'll pass.
3
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,447
Going... going...
4
00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:14,682
going...
5
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,650
Okay, okay, I'm good.
6
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:22,090
Oh! Brain freeze!
Brain freeze!
7
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:24,092
I don't think "brain freeze"
8
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:26,127
is an accurate description here.
9
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:28,629
ALAN:
Oh, geez.
10
00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:30,231
It's Mom.
11
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:32,233
Aw, great.
12
00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,135
Who's that she's with?
13
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,636
CHARLIE:
I don't know,
14
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:37,138
but they haven't been
dating long.
15
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,072
How can you tell?
16
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:39,640
He's still smiling.
17
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:42,510
All right, let's get out of here
before she sees us.
18
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,278
How? They're standing
in front of the door.
19
00:00:44,312 --> 00:00:45,446
We'll go out the back.
20
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:47,281
JAKE:
Hey, look.
21
00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,683
I'm a rabid dog.
(growling)
22
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:53,821
Aw, damn it!
23
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,289
Plan B?
24
00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:57,125
Bathroom.
25
00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:58,659
But I don't
have to pee!
Go, go!
26
00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:05,299
Now what, we just wait here
until they leave?
27
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:06,634
Would you rather go out there
28
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,336
and chat with Mom
and her new boyfriend?
29
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:14,675
Hey, Evelyn, get me
a muffin, too.
30
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:17,811
Whew! Somebody's drinking
more than coffee.
31
00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:25,119
Gonna be long?
32
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,121
JAKE:
I don't know.
33
00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:30,558
(whistling "Bingo")
34
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:33,827
(continues whistling "Bingo")
35
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,231
(joins in whistling)
36
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:42,270
(Charlie and Alan
continue whistling)
37
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:45,373
JAKE:
* And Bingo was his name-o!
38
00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:51,111
All yours.
Thanks.
39
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:56,484
(whistling "Swanee")
40
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,722
(continues whistling)
41
00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:12,166
Uh, thanks.
42
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:21,209
So, listen, when you guys are
done screwing around in here,
43
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:23,311
your mother would
like to talk to you.
44
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:31,785
JAKE:
Can I come out now?
45
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,755
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
46
00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:38,326
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
47
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:41,262
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
48
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:42,963
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
49
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,733
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
50
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,836
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
51
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:53,374
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
52
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:01,715
(chuckles):
Hey!
53
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:03,317
Look who's here!
54
00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:04,385
It's Mom. Hey, Mom.
55
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:05,786
Oh, stop it, both of you.
56
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,521
I can't believe
I'm such a horrible person,
57
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,357
you have to hide
from me in public.
58
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,591
We weren't hiding.
59
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,760
Which does not
invalidate your premise.
60
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,597
Uh, Jake had, uh,
had stomach problems.
61
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,832
Don't put this on me.
62
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,735
I apologize for my children.
63
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:22,970
Oh, no problem.
64
00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:24,438
Teddy Leopold.
65
00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:25,639
Oh, hi. Uh, Alan.
66
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:26,807
This is my brother,
my son Jake.
67
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,642
How you doing?
68
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:31,779
Evelyn's told me a lot of
wonderful things about you boys.
69
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,483
Not buying it, huh?
70
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,520
I tried.
71
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:42,823
Teddy lives in Denver,
but he does a lot
of business in L.A.
72
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:45,393
So I helped him find
a little pied-à-terre
in Century City.
73
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:47,027
What's a pied-à-terre?
74
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:51,665
It's French for
"a place to play
hanky-panky with Grandma."
75
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,267
Mom!
Mom!
76
00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:56,270
Oh, relax.
It's not gonna scar him.
77
00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:58,038
Yeah, but what about us?
78
00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,807
Well, anyway, it was
nice meeting you.
79
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,576
We got to bring the kid
back to his mother's.
80
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,612
Again, you're putting it on me?
81
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,281
Nice to meet you, too.
82
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:08,582
Yeah. Bye-bye.
See you, Mom.
83
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:09,583
Bye, Mom.
84
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:10,418
Bye.
85
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:12,720
Wait, I have to pee.
86
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,688
You've peed enough.
87
00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:17,891
* Men...
88
00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:21,329
(phone ringing)
89
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,500
"Teddy Leopold."
90
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:28,068
Do we know a Teddy Leopold?
91
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,603
That's Mom's new boyfriend.
92
00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:31,572
Oh, right, of course.
93
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,542
(ringing continues)
94
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:36,577
Aren't you curious
why he's calling?
95
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,679
(ringing continues)
Not particularly.
96
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,614
What if something
happened to Mom?
97
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:44,652
Then we'll just wait for
Dorothy to bring us the broom.
98
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:46,620
Give me the phone.
99
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:50,924
Hello?
100
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,593
Uh, no, no, this is Alan.
101
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,528
Hi, Teddy. What's up?
102
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,530
Uh-huh.
103
00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:58,399
Oh...
104
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:01,502
(laughs):
Wow. That is, uh,
that is quite an offer
105
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,437
Uh, I-I'd love to.
106
00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:05,406
Hang on, I'll ask him.
107
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:06,640
Uh, Teddy has invited us...
108
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:08,576
I'm busy.
109
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,011
Do you at least want
to hear what it is?
Nope.
110
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:15,749
Charlie can't make it,
but can you still take me?
111
00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:17,985
(laughs):
Really? Gee, thanks.
112
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,488
I'll, uh,
guess I'll see you then.
113
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,656
(chuckling quietly)
114
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:30,664
(singsongy):
You're gonna be sorry.
115
00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:34,668
(singsongy):
You're gonna
be homeless.
116
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:37,137
Why do you always have
to play that card?
117
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,872
Look, Alan, I have no interest
118
00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:41,375
in hanging out
with Mom's boyfriend du jour.
119
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:42,676
Why not? He seems
like a great guy.
120
00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,978
He might be the greatest
guy in the world,
121
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:48,048
but he'll end up like
every other husband or
boyfriend she's ever had.
122
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:53,687
Either she'll dump him, he'll
dump her, or he'll die under
suspicious circumstances.
123
00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:56,156
No matter what,
you're left standing on the curb
124
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:59,126
with your fishing pole on the
first day of summer vacation,
125
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:02,596
waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron
that never comes!
126
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:07,501
Okay, this isn't
about Teddy, is it?
127
00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:11,505
Hey, hey, you want to be buddies
with this guy, go right ahead.
128
00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:13,006
I got better things to do.
129
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,475
Better than ringside seats
130
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,776
to the heavyweight
championship fight
131
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,645
at Caesar's Palace
tomorrow night?
132
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:19,447
What?
133
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,750
Ringside.
134
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,485
Ringside?
135
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:27,655
Any closer, and we'd be sitting
in the spit bucket.
136
00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:30,123
Should I call him back
137
00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:31,892
and tell him
you've changed your mind?
138
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,761
No, no. No.
139
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:36,196
He's just using us
to get closer to Mom.
140
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,932
When we were kids, it was
Disneyland and cotton candy.
141
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:41,435
Now it's ringside seats.
And a private plane.
142
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:42,636
He's got a private plane?
143
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,473
And a limo
144
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:47,508
and a penthouse suite.
145
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:50,678
Still not interested?
146
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:51,945
Nope.
147
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:54,482
Still have better
things to do?
Yep.
148
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:57,485
(laughs):
Do you realize what
a stubborn child
you sound like?
149
00:06:57,518 --> 00:07:00,187
I do.
You're not gonna
give it up, are ya?
150
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:01,722
Not a chance.
151
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,591
(sighs):
Okay, then...
152
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,192
good night.
153
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:06,660
Good night.
154
00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:13,567
(grunting)
155
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:21,975
* Men...
156
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,077
(doorbell rings)
ALAN:
Oh, boy!
157
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,546
Teddy's here!
158
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:26,814
Charlie, Teddy's here!
159
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:29,016
Oh, boy.
160
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,120
Hi, Al. You all packed?
(laughing)
161
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:35,055
Are you kidding?
I packed last night.
162
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:36,757
I was too excited to sleep.
163
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,559
Terrific.
164
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,727
Where's Charlie?
165
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,595
Uh, out on the deck.
166
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,631
Give me a minute.
I want to say hi.
167
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:44,998
Can I go sit in the limo?
168
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:46,266
Knock yourself out.
169
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,901
There's sushi.
170
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:50,037
Sushi in a car! Oh, boy!
171
00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:57,811
This is your other plans?
172
00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,580
Not all of 'em.
173
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:02,883
Later I'm gonna go
inside and watch some
girl-on-girl porn.
174
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,785
Beautiful.
175
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:08,589
Look, I still have
an extra ticket to the fight,
176
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,290
and there's plenty of room
on the plane.
177
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,526
No, thanks.
178
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,795
Did I do something
to tick you off?
179
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,965
You know, aside from
slipping it to your mother.
180
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:22,803
No, no. It's just I prefer
not to get involved
in her personal life.
181
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,038
I'm not asking you to get
involved in her personal life.
182
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,641
I'm asking you to come to Vegas
with me and see a fight.
183
00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:29,643
Yeah, but why?
184
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:32,145
I don't know,
you seem like a nice guy.
185
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,881
Don't you have
your own friends?
186
00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:36,149
Charlie,
when you get to be my age,
187
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,719
most of your friends
are either married or dead.
188
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:40,754
What's the difference?
189
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:43,523
The dead ones smell up my plane.
190
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,662
Come on, throw some clothes on,
and let's go have some fun.
191
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,701
Eh, what the hell.
192
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,769
Just do me a favor.
193
00:08:55,803 --> 00:08:57,638
Let's keep this
between us.
194
00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:00,708
I want your mother to think
that I went on a business trip.
195
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:01,909
No problem.
196
00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:04,578
My mother still thinks
I went to college.
197
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:07,748
Beautiful.
198
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,719
* Men...
199
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,954
(crowd chatter, whistles)
200
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,658
Hey, Charlie,
you need anything?
201
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:20,994
Teddy, if I was any happier,
my pants would be wet.
202
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:25,165
Hey, Teddy, uh, can we get
some gelato after the fight?
203
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:26,667
Anything you want, kid.
204
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,669
(chuckles):
Gee, thanks.
205
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,108
Hiya.
206
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,844
What's up?
207
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,180
You know, I've, uh,
I've never really been
208
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:42,716
a big fan of the
pugilistic arts, but...
209
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:46,987
I have to admit, I'm getting
kind of swept away in the
pageantry of the event.
210
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,589
Uh-huh.
211
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:54,928
I like your bling
very much.
212
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:57,164
I, uh, I tried to
pierce the ear once,
213
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,366
but it got
horribly infected.
214
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:05,205
Hey, uh, uh, you know where we
could score some good gelato?
215
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,974
Nah.
216
00:10:08,776 --> 00:10:10,644
(sighs)
217
00:10:10,678 --> 00:10:12,680
Word.
218
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:16,316
I think that might be
that Snoopy fellow.
219
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,787
Terrific.
220
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:20,754
(phone rings)
221
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,225
Hello.
222
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,393
Oh, hi, Evelyn.
223
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:30,163
Yeah. How are you, sweetheart?
224
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,065
Good, good.
225
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,301
Where am I?
226
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,703
(bell rings)
227
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:38,438
San Francisco.
228
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:42,876
I'm going into a meeting.
Uh, can I call you back?
229
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,077
REFEREE:
No shots
below the waist.
230
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:45,412
Love you, too, sweetheart.
231
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:48,248
Bye.
232
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:49,449
You're very good.
233
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:52,119
Yeah.
234
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,888
I've got five grand
on the big Russian.
235
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:57,457
Either of you fellows like
to have a piece of my action?
236
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,326
I'll take half.
237
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:00,828
Attaboy.
238
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,195
How about you, Alan?
239
00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:04,464
Oh, what the heck.
I'm in Vegas.
240
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:08,769
Put me down for $20,
no, $25.
241
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:11,271
(bell rings)
242
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,440
Make it $20.
243
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,713
(crowd cheering)
244
00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:23,450
REFEREE:
One, two, three,
245
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,386
four, five...
246
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:29,422
How do you say
"Get up" in Russian?
247
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,258
seven, eight...
248
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,026
* Men.
249
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:34,094
nine, ten.
250
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:41,902
Unbelievable, an eighteen second
fight.
251
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:45,405
Takes me longer
to start peeing.
252
00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:46,974
Yeah, thanks so much
253
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:49,076
for giving me half
your action on the guy.
254
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,378
No problem.
You want the other half?
255
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,780
No, I'm good.
256
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:53,847
(video game trills)
257
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:54,948
Oh, yeah, baby!
258
00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:56,950
20 dead presidents.
259
00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:58,285
I'm even!
260
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:01,388
Was he a preemie?
261
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:03,490
Actually, we both were.
262
00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:05,125
Our mom waits nine
months for nothing.
263
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:10,530
Hey, fellas,
I want to show you something.
264
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,899
What do you think?
265
00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:13,466
Nice.
266
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,467
Yeah. Who's it for?
267
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:15,969
Your mother.
268
00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:17,905
No, seriously.
269
00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:20,140
I know it's kind of
old-fashioned, but, uh,
270
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:22,475
I wanted to run it by you guys
before I asked her.
271
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,878
Ask her what?
272
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:27,114
Charlie, I love your mom.
273
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,481
I want to marry her.
274
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:33,286
But... but... you could
do so much better.
275
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,355
That's no way to talk
about your mother.
276
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:37,858
That's precisely the way
to talk about my mother.
277
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:39,359
Charlie,
be supportive.
278
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:41,294
I thought
I was being supportive.
279
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,330
Regardless of what
you guys think about her,
280
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,532
Evelyn is a great broad.
281
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:48,335
I want to marry her
and I would like
your blessing.
282
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:49,803
You got my
blessing, Teddy.
283
00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:52,472
Shut up and eat your gelato.
284
00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:54,975
Come on, Charlie.
Wouldn't it be great
to have a dad again?
285
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:58,511
I'm a grown man, Alan.
I don't need a father anymore.
286
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:01,348
Would any of you gentleman
like a date?
287
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:04,117
Sorry, doll, I'm taken,
but I wouldn't mind
288
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:06,186
footing the bill
for my two boys here.
289
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,121
Hi, I'm Amber.
290
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:09,322
I'm Tiffany.
291
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:13,793
Thanks, Daddy!
Thanks, Daddy!
292
00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:17,530
* Men...
293
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,236
Hey.
294
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,072
Hey.
295
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:26,139
What are you doing?
296
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,108
Nothing, nothing.
297
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,309
How was work?
298
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:31,611
You don't care
about my work.
299
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,046
What's under the pillow?
300
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,048
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
301
00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:37,918
Modern Bride?
302
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:41,488
I just read it for the articles.
303
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:43,056
Really?
304
00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:45,993
Okay, I was looking for ideas
305
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,996
because I thought it would be
nice if we had the wedding
306
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,398
for Teddy and Mom here
in the house.
307
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:54,301
Oh, my God!
308
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:59,106
You're a mind reader!
309
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:00,507
I didn't want to bring it up
310
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,910
'cause I was afraid
you might say no.
311
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,345
But I was up all night
doing research.
312
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,447
Now, I'm thinking
a sunset ceremony
313
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,050
with the guests gathered
on the beach below
314
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,185
as the bride and groom
cross onto the deck
315
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:13,520
wearing traditional
Polynesian wedding garb,
316
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:16,289
surrounded by tropical flowers
and tiki torches.
317
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,159
Okay, what about it
don't you like?
318
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,330
'Cause I was a little iffy
on the tiki torches.
319
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:27,100
You're a little iffy
in so many ways.
320
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:29,102
Okay, we can hammer out
the details later.
321
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:32,139
The thing to remember
is that we're doing this
for someone we love.
322
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:33,140
Right.
323
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:34,274
Teddy.
Teddy.
324
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,509
Okay, I'm out of here.
325
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,278
Her, Berta, did you hear
the news about Mom?
326
00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:40,447
Yeah, she joined
the Mormon church so she can get
327
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,315
a rent-controlled apartment
in Salt Lake City.
328
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,385
Oh, you mean your mom. No.
329
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,322
We're getting
a new dad.
330
00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:50,557
He's great.
His name is Teddy.
331
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,225
He took us
to a boxing match.
332
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,494
He bought us prostitutes
and gelato.
333
00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:58,098
Well, congratulations.
I'm real happy for you boys.
334
00:14:58,131 --> 00:14:59,466
Thanks.
Thanks.
335
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:02,035
I think my news
was far more interesting.
336
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:05,438
I'm going to call Teddy
and tell him our plan.
337
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:08,175
Oh, great. Ask him
how he feels about
tiki torches.
338
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,512
Hey, Teddy,
it's Charlie.
339
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,281
And Alan!
Hi, Teddy!
340
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,483
Yeah, Alan says hi.
341
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,418
Listen, we've been
thinking about
the wedding...
342
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:21,488
(whispers):
Tiki torches.
343
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:24,324
What? You're kidding.
344
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:25,558
What?
345
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:31,498
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
346
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:34,001
Wow, I don't believe it.
347
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:34,701
What?!
348
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,436
Mom turned him down.
349
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,638
That bitch!
350
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:41,508
Gee, Teddy, I don't know
what to say.
351
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:44,411
I feel terrible.
352
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,347
Well, this doesn't mean
we couldn't still
hang out, right?
353
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,516
So you'll call us?
Great, great.
354
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:52,019
Look forward to it.
All right, bye-bye.
355
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:56,523
I know that tone of voice.
We'll never hear from him.
356
00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:58,591
No tiki torches?
357
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:01,261
I don't understand.
How could Mom say no to him?
358
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,495
He was perfect for her.
359
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:04,998
Forget her.
He was perfect for us.
360
00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:09,102
I'm closing the door
to my heart, Charlie.
361
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,571
It just hurts too much.
362
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:15,575
Screw it. This isn't over.
Come on.
363
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,377
Where are we going?
364
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,179
We are going to talk
some sense into our mother.
365
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:20,513
Really?
366
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:23,383
It's hard to imagine
that turning out well.
367
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:26,686
* Men...
368
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,255
Mom?! Mom, where the hell
are you?
369
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:30,357
Maybe she's not home.
370
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,425
She's home. Her car's
in the driveway,
the alarm's not on.
371
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:33,726
Mom!
372
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,230
Boys, I gave you that key
for emergencies,
373
00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:39,166
not to barge in on me
like the Gestapo.
374
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,769
We want to talk to you
about Teddy.
375
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:46,439
Teddy? Why in the world would
you want to talk about Teddy?
376
00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:47,574
Because we love Teddy.
377
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,242
And you broke his heart.
378
00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:51,278
Hang on a second.
379
00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:53,680
You met the man for five minutes
in a coffee shop.
380
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,555
Well, it was
a good five minutes.
381
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:05,625
Evelyn, what the hell's
going on?
382
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,394
I'll be right with you,
sweetie.
383
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:09,629
Look, this is not the best time.
384
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,298
Oh, come on, Evy,
385
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,700
the Viagra's starting
to make my ears burn.
386
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,437
Who are these clowns?
387
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:20,473
Ah, Hugo, darling,
these are my sons,
388
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:21,708
Charlie and Alan.
389
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,276
Whoa. Wait a minute.
390
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:24,611
You didn't tell me
you had any kids.
391
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,479
I sure didn't sign on
for any kids.
392
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:27,580
Just give me a minute, darling.
393
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,316
I'll be right with you.
394
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:32,819
If I wanted to see any kids,
I'd go visit my own.
395
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:35,855
How old are these nuts?
396
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,525
From over here,
they look about a hundred.
397
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,429
Mom, what about Teddy?
398
00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:44,664
Can we please
399
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:47,500
have this conversation
another time?
400
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,402
No, no, no, no.
We are having it right now.
401
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:50,770
What do you want me to say?
402
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:53,406
Teddy's fine. I like Teddy,
403
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,309
but he's ready to settle down
and I'm not.
404
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:57,610
I want my freedom.
405
00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:59,646
Okay, I get freedom,
but come on.
406
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,714
Teddy's way better
than this guy.
407
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:06,753
As I said, Teddy's fine,
but there are some areas
408
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:11,558
in which he just doesn't
measure up to Hugo.
409
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:16,529
Oh, Mom!
Oh, Mom!
410
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:20,800
It's the biggest I've ever seen.
411
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:25,505
Makes it worth eating dinner
at 3:30.
412
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:28,541
But, but, but Teddy...
413
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:29,742
I don't want to hear it.
414
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,444
You have no say in this.
415
00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:32,812
This is my life.
416
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,814
And right now I don't want
to be tied down.
417
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,516
I want options.
418
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,218
(bowl hits floor)
419
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:40,753
Hugo?
420
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:45,892
Hugo?
421
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:50,730
Oh, God, no!
422
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:52,399
Quick, somebody,
give me the phone!
423
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:53,866
Come on!
Come on!
424
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,802
Here, here.
425
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:58,305
Oh, God.
426
00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:00,273
Come on. Come on. Come on.
427
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:03,543
Hello, Teddy?
428
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:10,450
Oh, I'm so glad
I caught you in.
429
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:11,884
* Men...
430
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,155
I hope you can forgive me,
Teddy.
431
00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:18,725
I just needed time
to think about it.
432
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:20,393
It's like they say,
433
00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:23,630
"You don't know what
you got till it's gone."
434
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:24,697
Yes,
435
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:29,436
yes, my darling,
I love you, too.
436
00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:31,271
Well, I'll be right over.
437
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,606
(loud kiss)
438
00:19:35,242 --> 00:19:35,942
(sighs)
439
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:41,314
Could someone please
put a sheet over him?
440
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:43,783
Mom, shouldn't
we call 911?
441
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:47,654
Well, call whoever you want.
The man is dead.
442
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,957
You're really going to leave
and go to Teddy's?
443
00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:54,694
Well, I can't very well
invite him over here.
444
00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:59,666
All right! She's going
back to Teddy!
445
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:02,502
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
a little respect.
446
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,437
Oh. Oh, yeah.
447
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,508
Okay, who's our daddy?
448
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,711
Teddy!
* Men.
30721
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