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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:05,273
(car door closes, footsteps)
2
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,541
CHARLIE:
Thank you for
transporting me home.
3
00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:09,543
You're a terrific cab driver
4
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:12,280
and I hope someday
to visit your country.
5
00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:18,319
Damn, where
is that key?
6
00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:21,355
Here, key-key-key-key-
key-key-key-key.
7
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,091
key-key-key-key.
8
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,393
Aha!
9
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,195
Hello, key.
10
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:33,134
(key rattling in lock)
11
00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,636
Oh, no...
12
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,205
wrong house.
13
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:40,708
I'm lost!
14
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:44,078
Hello?
15
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:48,182
Hi, Alan. Come on in.
16
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:51,119
Um, why don't you come in here?
17
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,587
I can't. I lost my key.
18
00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:57,125
Dah!
19
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,598
Had a few cocktails,
did we?
20
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,267
Me, too.
21
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:08,502
Listen, I need
to ask you a favor.
22
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,171
Your needs, your needs.
23
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,440
What about my needs?
24
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:15,176
Are you capable
of having a conversation?
25
00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:17,211
Capable?
26
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:20,214
I just spent 20 minutes
discussing open-toed shoes
27
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,350
with a fat man from Rangoon.
28
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:27,188
He's a Rangooni.
29
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:29,056
We'll talk in the morning.
30
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:31,058
I wouldn't
count on it.
31
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,261
Go ahead.
You talk, I'll cook.
32
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,695
It's 11:30.
What are you cooking?
33
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,264
Good question.
34
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,332
And I can give you
the answer in two words:
35
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:41,435
my famous homemade chili.
36
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,604
Since when do you make chili?
37
00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:48,776
There's a lot you don't know
about me, Alan.
38
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:51,312
I am man of many layers.
39
00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:54,148
Strata, if you will.
40
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:55,149
I see.
41
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:57,218
A thin crust, magma
42
00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,620
and a chewy
nougat center.
43
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:03,157
Okay, uh, anyway, tomorrow
I have to go to the DMV
44
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:04,392
to get my license renewed.
45
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,227
Ah, cars.
46
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:08,696
Where would we be
without cars?
47
00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:10,231
And how do we get there?
48
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,436
Run, run, you're free!
49
00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:19,139
Well, listen, the thing
is I can't take Jake
50
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:20,708
because he's got
a book report to do.
51
00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:24,278
I love Jake.
52
00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:27,215
Well, that's good, but will you
help him with his report?
53
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,283
I would like nothing better.
54
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:30,551
You want chili?
55
00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:32,220
Uh, no, no, I'm good.
56
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:34,222
But just so we're clear,
you'll help Jake?
57
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:36,524
I love Jake.
58
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:39,260
Charlie, it's very
important that...
59
00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:42,763
Relax, I'll take Jake to
the DMV to get his license.
60
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,166
Book report.
61
00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:50,137
Beans.
62
00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:52,506
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
63
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:56,176
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
64
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,718
Oh, no!
65
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:07,555
Charlie's Blackout Chili.
66
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,325
It's delicious.
67
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,893
No argument there.
68
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,562
Why is it called
"Blackout Chili"?
69
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,196
Well, sweetheart,
70
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:18,399
sometimes when
people drink,
71
00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:20,568
the do things they
wouldn't normally do.
72
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:23,837
Me, I like to walk into
a biker bar and take a swing
73
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,573
at the biggest chick there.
74
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,578
Your Uncle Charlie, on the
other hand, makes chili.
75
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,646
But what's the blackout part?
76
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,449
Ah, geez, Jake,
how many times
77
00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:36,917
have I told you not
to crap up my kitchen?
78
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:39,420
I'm not the one who...
79
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:42,356
Oh.
80
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:43,857
Still, it beats waking up
81
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,394
to find pool chalk
between your fanny cheeks.
82
00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:50,764
Where's your father?
83
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,433
He went to the DMV.
84
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,735
He said you promised to help me
with my book report.
85
00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:56,837
Really?
That doesn't sound like me.
86
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,740
I didn't think so either,
but that's what he said.
87
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:01,742
When's it due?
Monday.
88
00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,411
Okay. Today's Saturday?
89
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:04,545
Yeah.
90
00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:06,647
We got plenty of time.
91
00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:09,283
Yeah, but my dad always says
if I do my work early,
92
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,319
then I have the rest
of the weekend to have fun.
93
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:14,322
That makes no sense whatsoever.
94
00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:16,189
That's what I said.
95
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,658
Let me ask you
something.
96
00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:19,527
Do you want
to do it now?
97
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,662
No.
Then trust your instincts.
98
00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,398
Here's what you do.
99
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:27,234
You go out and have a good time,
100
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,636
let the report percolate
in your subconscious.
101
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,404
Then,
102
00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:33,574
as the deadline approaches
and that flop-sweat panic hits,
103
00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:35,476
those pages will come
shooting out of you
104
00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:38,245
like a lunch from a supermodel.
105
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,814
Well, I do like to percolate.
106
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,750
That a boy.
107
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:45,353
What are you
doing today?
108
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,220
Well, I've got to write
a new jingle
109
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,522
for a big credit card company
110
00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:51,392
and they're expecting it
on Monday, so...
111
00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:52,660
I'm going to the track.
112
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,562
* Men.
113
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:57,998
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Now serving number 38
at window "D."
114
00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:02,470
I got 42.
115
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:05,005
I made an appointment.
116
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,640
Good for you.
117
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:11,445
What's your number?
118
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:14,448
I'm 97.
119
00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,484
Ooh. Ouch.
120
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,251
You're gonna
be here forever.
121
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,021
Yeah.
122
00:05:23,791 --> 00:05:25,626
Oh, hey,
you know what?
123
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,596
I'm probably not even going
to need this Power Bar.
124
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,431
You want it?
125
00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:31,465
Thanks.
126
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,000
You're very kind.
127
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:38,005
Next time,
plan ahead.
128
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,473
Will do.
129
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,442
Got to know how
to work the system.
130
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:42,443
Again...
131
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,011
thanks.
132
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,681
Okay, I'm leaving.
133
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,016
Bye.
134
00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:49,983
If you need anything,
ask Berta.
135
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,819
Okay.
136
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,287
She won't give it to you,
but she enjoys being asked.
137
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:03,931
Turn that off.
138
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:04,932
You're coming with me.
139
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,366
Really? To the track?
140
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,301
It's got to be better
for you than TV.
141
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:11,872
Are we gonna gamble?
142
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,807
No, suckers gamble.
143
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,676
We're gonna analyze
statistics
144
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,044
with proven
scientific principles
145
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,413
and make wagers based
on the result of data.
146
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:24,485
I think I'd rather watch TV.
147
00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:26,587
Come on. Come on. Come on.
148
00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:30,524
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Now serving number 39
at window "A."
149
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:33,861
It appears my time on your
planet is almost over.
150
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:34,895
(laughs)
151
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,797
(mocks laugh)
152
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,799
Excuse me. Are you
done with your paper?
153
00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:40,734
Oh, sure. Here.
154
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,703
Thank you.
155
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,739
I didn't even have
a chance to finish the jumble.
156
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,875
Well, I'll have time.
Ooh.
157
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,544
Hey, 97, that ought
to lift your spirits.
158
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,379
I'm ebullient.
159
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:55,683
I feel like such
an idiot.
160
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,618
I didn't even know you
could make an appointment.
161
00:06:57,685 --> 00:07:00,420
Well, most people don't.
162
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:01,822
Am I right?
163
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:05,459
Lena.
164
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:08,028
Oh, uh, I'm-I'm Alan.
165
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,531
Ooh, you have a firm
handshake, Alan.
166
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,466
I like that
in a man.
167
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:16,003
Well, I'm a, I'm a chiropractor
and my hands are my instruments.
168
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,539
And I also carry a little
squishy ball in my pocket
169
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,708
to head off carpal tunnel.
170
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,676
Ooh.
171
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,114
How much can I bet?
172
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,381
How much did you bring?
173
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,551
I have to use my own money?
174
00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:33,554
Boy, you really are
your father's son, aren't you?
175
00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:36,557
Okay.
176
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,125
I have $14.
177
00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:39,927
That's not gonna
get you very far.
178
00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:44,565
Um, oh, and I have a $50 gift
certificate to Pizza Hut.
179
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:45,766
Want to buy it?
180
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,035
Sure. I'll give you 25 bucks.
181
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,570
But it's worth $50.
182
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:50,170
To who?
183
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:51,705
To Pizza Hut.
184
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,774
Well, so let the good folks
at Pizza Hut
185
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,042
place a bet for you.
186
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,044
You're just trying
to rip me off.
187
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:58,646
Yeah. I've been
staying up nights
188
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:02,650
trying to figure
out how
189
00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:04,852
Now, listen and learn.
190
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:05,953
In any financial
transaction
191
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,420
there is one question
192
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:08,756
both parties have
to ask themselves.
193
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,024
We're going to a party?
194
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,693
Will you shut up and listen?
195
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,595
I thought we were going
to the track?
196
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,096
I swear to God,
197
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,532
I'm going to throw
you out of this car.
198
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,768
Now, as I was saying,
199
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:25,472
the question is what leverage
do I have in this transaction?
200
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:26,674
The answer for you is "none."
201
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:29,877
What's leverage?
202
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,112
Oh, boy.
203
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,949
All right, a lever
is how you move things.
204
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,918
Leverage is how you move people.
205
00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:39,787
Now, if we were going
to Pizza Hut
206
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,590
and they didn't take real money
and I was starving to death,
207
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:45,759
your gift certificate
would give you leverage over me.
208
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:48,929
But alas, this
is not the case.
209
00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:52,232
Okay, I guess I'll take $40.
210
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:55,068
Now you're catching on.
But no.
211
00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,607
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Number at 40 at window "E."
212
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,541
I'm sorry, baby,
Mama's got to stay here
213
00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:03,043
till she gets
her license.
214
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,912
I'm hungry, too.
215
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,580
I don't know
how much longer.
216
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,649
You want to come in here
and wait with me?
217
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:10,584
All right,
you stay in the car
218
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:11,484
and play your
video game.
219
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,621
Mommy loves you, too.
220
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:17,825
I get such little time
with him.
221
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,259
Where's his dad?
222
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,729
Damned if I know.
223
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:24,832
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Now serving number 41
at window "B."
224
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:28,736
Oh, he is gonna miss
his piano lesson.
225
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:35,075
Listen, um, why don't you
take my number?
226
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,543
Oh, I couldn't.
227
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,278
No, no, no, I insist--
I've got somebody
228
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,614
taking care of my little
boy, so I can wait.
229
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,950
That is so sweet.
230
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:46,086
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Now serving number 42
at window "B."
231
00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:47,520
Oh, you're up.
232
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:48,288
Thank you so much.
233
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,256
Oh, it's my pleasure.
234
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:50,791
Hey, listen, maybe,
235
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,760
do you think sometime
we could maybe go out...?
236
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:53,761
Hey, Mama.
237
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,564
Baby, I thought you were
waiting in the car.
238
00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,633
Batteries are dead.
239
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:00,734
That's okay.
We're out of here.
240
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,736
You lied to me.
241
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,004
No, I didn't.
242
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:05,739
Baby, you got
a piano lesson today?
243
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,307
Yep. Gershwin.
244
00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,043
See?
245
00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:17,751
Hey, I thought you had her
at "squishy ball."
246
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:22,022
* Men.
247
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,728
So how much do I get
if my horse wins?
248
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,764
If you bet $14 at
two to one, you win $28.
249
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,565
That doesn't sound like a lot.
250
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,601
Why can't I bet
the 80-to-one horse?
251
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,637
You can, but there's dogs
with forks and napkins
252
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,339
waiting at the
finish line for him.
253
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,674
What does that mean?
254
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,242
It means the greater the odds,
255
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,877
the lousier the horse.
256
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:45,779
But he could still win, right?
257
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:49,316
Yeah, and you could still be
class valedictorian.
258
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:51,919
But that's not where
the smart money goes.
259
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,688
You can make your point
without being mean.
260
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,289
If you want me to bet
261
00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:58,325
the 80-to-one horse
for you, I will.
262
00:10:58,391 --> 00:10:59,326
Okay, fine.
263
00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:01,128
It'll be a good lesson for you.
264
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,096
You won't be such
a know-it-all when...
265
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,299
four times eight's 32,
one times is zero is zero--
266
00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:08,301
$120,000.
267
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,270
All right, two lessons.
268
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,945
It's not as much as I thought,
but I'm still rich.
269
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,280
You're not rich...
270
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,382
you lucky little peckerhead.
271
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:25,252
There's no reason
for name-calling.
272
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,622
Mr. Smart Money.
273
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,624
You want to walk home?
274
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,393
I don't have to walk home.
275
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:36,196
I could take a taxi
or a limo.
276
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:37,264
Or a hearse.
277
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,068
* Men
278
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:50,077
Mm. You were so
smart to bring this.
279
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:54,882
WOMAN:
Now serving
number 97 at window A.
280
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,717
Hey, that's me.
281
00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:00,353
You hang in there.
282
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:01,654
Thanks for everything.
283
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,090
You're welcome.
284
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,125
I was being facetious.
285
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,336
Ooh, 99.
286
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,771
Lucky you.
287
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:21,441
I'm 138.
288
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:24,144
Been here all day.
289
00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:27,280
With my kid waiting
in the car.
290
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,249
Nice try.
291
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,120
* Men
292
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:35,222
Hey, Dad, guess what?!
293
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:37,290
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
he doesn't need to know.
294
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,458
Why not?
295
00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:39,827
Think about it.
296
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,194
What's your father going to do
297
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,930
when he finds out
you've got $1,120?
298
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:45,833
Don't worry, I'm not going
to lend him any.
299
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,835
No, you clod.
300
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,302
He's going to make you
put it in the bank.
301
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:51,171
Oh, yeah.
302
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:53,907
Plus he's going to give me grief
for taking you to the track.
303
00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:56,810
Oh, so I guess that means
I've got leverage on you.
304
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,447
Hey, I can live
with the grief.
305
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:01,982
Can you live
without the money?
306
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:04,084
No, I love the money.
307
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:05,953
Okay, so here's what you do.
308
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,321
Hide it in your room someplace
no one will look.
309
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,423
Oh, I saw this movie once
where they put the money
310
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,993
in a plastic bag
and hung it in the toilet.
311
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:16,363
Bad idea. Your toilet sees
way too much action.
312
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:19,766
Okay, I'll buy a big safe.
313
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,369
Oh, brilliant-- that won't
raise any questions.
314
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:24,137
Just stick it in a shoe.
315
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:27,140
But what if I want to wear it?
316
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:30,277
Then put it in a different shoe.
317
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:34,247
But not the same pair, right?
318
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,117
Correct.
319
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:40,187
Now, you have to be careful
spending it.
320
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,955
You don't want to call
attention to yourself.
321
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,991
Okay, I'll just get
a plasma TV.
322
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:45,792
No, no, no, no,
323
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:49,229
no plasma TVs, not computers,
no expensive video games.
324
00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:51,231
Buy small stuff
that no one will notice.
325
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:52,465
Like donuts?
326
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:53,466
Perfect.
327
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,468
What about a donut machine?
328
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:58,071
Okay, you're not hearing me.
329
00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,506
I could hide it in the safe.
330
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:02,976
Get out of here.
331
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:06,880
Hey, where have
you been?
332
00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:08,815
I told you-- the DMV.
333
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,517
All day? You should have
made an appointment.
334
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,288
Yeah, next time I'll know.
335
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,857
So what did you
guys do today?
336
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,792
Oh, not much.
337
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,828
We just hung out,
ran a few errands.
338
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,130
Oh, did you help him
with his book report?
339
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,331
Yes, I did.
340
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:27,968
Really?
No.
341
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:28,835
Charlie, you said
you'd help him.
342
00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,237
Yeah, well, you said
343
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:31,571
you'd only be living
here for a couple weeks.
344
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,442
And you weren't drunk when
you said it.
345
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:37,010
Fair enough.
346
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,511
So you guys just ran
errands all day?
347
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,447
Yes, errands.
348
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:43,250
Where is he, in his room?
Yes, his room.
349
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,518
Thanks for keeping
an eye on him.
350
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:47,154
No problem.
351
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:52,459
Oh, I have a bad feeling.
352
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:55,162
Hey, Jake, I'm back.
353
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,897
I was thinking...
354
00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:06,974
Charlie made me go to the track.
355
00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:12,279
(sighs)
356
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:13,580
What a day.
357
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,882
Just sitting and sitting
and sitting.
358
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:18,118
Huh.
359
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,190
It was like jury duty,
360
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,059
without the fun of sending
someone to jail.
361
00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,128
Sounds awful.
362
00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:29,362
Yeah, yeah.
363
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:32,232
So...
364
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:35,202
you guys ran errands today.
365
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:39,406
The little rat bastard
sold me out, didn't he?
366
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:42,976
Almost immediately.
367
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:46,246
Why would you take
a 13-year-old boy
to the track?
368
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,081
Hey, I thought it
would be better
369
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,350
than him hanging around
the house all day doing nothing.
370
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,119
He was supposed to be
doing his book report.
371
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:54,521
Oh, yeah.
372
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,289
And come to think of it,
373
00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,557
weren't you supposed
to be working on
374
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,192
some big credit card jingle?
375
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,128
I'm percolating.
376
00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:03,596
Boy, you are
some role model.
377
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:05,532
Well, one of us has to be.
378
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:09,636
So, uh, exactly how much
did he win?
379
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,204
$1,100.
380
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:13,340
Wow.
381
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,608
Forget it. He's not
going to loan you any.
382
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:18,311
All right, all right,
we'll put it in the bank.
383
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,280
It'll be a nice addition
to his college fund.
384
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,981
What college fund?
385
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:24,484
The one with $1,100 in it.
386
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,386
Come on, Alan.
387
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,588
He won the money
fair and stupid.
388
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,157
So you think I ought
to let him keep it?
389
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:31,924
What's the worst
that could happen?
390
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,460
So he blows it.
391
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:36,529
It's a life lesson
and we get a donut machine.
392
00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,298
What?!
393
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,600
It's just money, Alan.
394
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,369
I don't want him
to think like that.
395
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,704
Oh, much better he think
like you?
396
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,107
Squirreling away
every dime he makes
397
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:48,941
so he'll haven it handy
for alimony payments
398
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,277
and phone sex?
399
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,214
For the last time,
I misdialed.
400
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:59,986
Yeah, every Wednesday night
for 20 minutes.
401
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,622
Okay, okay, we are not
talking about the phone bills.
402
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,292
We are talking about teaching
Jake sound financial principles.
403
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,260
And I am entitled
to a date night.
404
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:11,231
Fine. Take the money
away from him.
405
00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:12,965
No, no, I'm not going
to be the bad guy.
406
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,201
I'm not going to be
the bad guy either.
407
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:15,502
Why not? It's your fault.
408
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,104
Hey, if you want to point
the finger,
409
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,605
look for the horse trainer
410
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:21,174
who put crystal meth
in Mr. McGlue's feed bag.
411
00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:26,179
I'll bet that Clydesdale
is still running.
412
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:27,980
Okay, okay, you think
you know best?
413
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,582
We'll let him keep the money.
414
00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:32,285
But mark my words, no good can
come from a boy like Jake
415
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,221
having that kind of cash
to throw around.
416
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,689
Oh come on, the kid might
surprise you.
417
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,992
Here's a hundred bucks.
418
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,094
What's that for?
419
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:42,495
I broke a lamp.
420
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,033
* Men
421
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:50,270
(playing "Call to Post")
422
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:54,374
* It's the card that's accepted
all over the globe *
423
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:58,311
* Something, something...
424
00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:01,614
* Terrycloth robe.
425
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:04,317
That's enough for today.
426
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,120
Have you see Jake?
427
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:10,590
Oh, little Lord Fartleroy?
428
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:13,059
Well, he wasn't pleased with
grilled cheese for lunch,
429
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:15,162
so he walked down
to the Red Lobster
430
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:16,496
for their all-you-can-eat
popcorn shrimp.
431
00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:18,131
Wonderful.
432
00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:21,434
He lined his pockets with
foil before he left.
433
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,136
You think this is funny?
434
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:24,604
The kid gets to throw
some money around.
435
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,206
What's wrong with that?
436
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:30,277
Hey, Richie Rich back
with my crab legs yet?
437
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:31,711
No.
438
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,413
You don't understand.
439
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,516
Money gives him choices
and freedom.
Yeah, so?
440
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:38,618
I don't have choices and
freedom, why should he?
441
00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:39,752
Dad, Uncle Charlie,
442
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:42,088
come out and see
what I just bought.
443
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,559
Oh, I have another
bad feeling.
444
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:53,433
Oh, Jake, where
did you get that?
445
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:56,303
A guy had it in the back of his
pickup truck at the gas station
446
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:57,604
and it had a "for sale" sign.
447
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,206
Oh, no.
448
00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:01,073
I asked him how much it was
and he said,
449
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,074
"How much you got?"
450
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:03,543
And I told him $1,106,
451
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,312
and he said,
"It's your lucky day."
452
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,181
Can you
believe that?
453
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,317
That's two lucky days in a row.
454
00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:16,256
Okay, I am sorry.
455
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,124
You did not ride
that thing here?
456
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:19,359
Oh, no, I pushed it.
457
00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:21,194
I figured I can
ride it on the beach.
458
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:22,829
Well, you figured wrong--
it's too dangerous.
459
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,397
Don't worry, I got a helmet.
460
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:28,701
I traded him for a bag
of crab legs.
461
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:31,771
Can you help me take it
down to the beach now?
462
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,440
No, you are not
riding that thing.
463
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,375
Yeah, well, I bought it
with my own money,
464
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,244
so you can't tell me
what to do.
465
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:43,650
Really, I am as sorry
as I can possibly be.
466
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,151
Let me just show you
how cool it is.
467
00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:46,653
Look, the guy told me
how to start it.
468
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:56,796
He said it might
need a tune-up.
469
00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:00,900
So where are
my crab legs?
470
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:03,703
* Men
471
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,408
Go ahead-- say it.
472
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:10,610
I'm stupid and I got
ripped off.
473
00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:12,312
No, nobody thinks that.
474
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,581
I wouldn't say nobody.
475
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,283
Charlie.
476
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:19,218
Oh, come on, it's not
the end of the world.
477
00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:22,422
Look, Jake, sooner or later
every guy gets hustled.
478
00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:23,256
Even you?
479
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:24,691
Even me.
480
00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:27,294
I remember once when I
wasn't much older than you,
481
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,396
I spend a hundred bucks
on a bag of oregano.
482
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,201
Oregano?
483
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:36,769
Your uncle was making
spaghetti sauce.
484
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,805
Yeah, in a parked car
485
00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:42,208
before I went to the
Pink Floyd Lasarium show.
486
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,676
Thank you.
487
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,578
The important think is
that you learned something
488
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:47,514
that will serve you
for the rest of your life.
489
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,215
What's that?
490
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:53,252
Always buy motorbikes and
oregano from authorized dealers.
491
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,622
No, no, that
is not the lesson.
492
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:58,190
A fool and his money
are soon parted?
No.
493
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,792
Don't run with scissors?
494
00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:00,827
Do you mind?
495
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:01,894
Go ahead, I'm down to
496
00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:04,297
don't eat the yellow snow.
497
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:06,198
That's not it, is it?
498
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,235
No, the lesson here
499
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:11,371
is that when a little extra
money comes our way,
500
00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:13,806
we do the smart thing--
we put it in the bank
501
00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,208
where it makes reasonable
interest at minimal risk.
502
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,244
And then we have it
for a rainy day.
503
00:21:18,311 --> 00:21:19,312
Do you understand?
504
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:20,246
Yeah.
505
00:21:20,313 --> 00:21:21,514
Attaboy.
506
00:21:21,581 --> 00:21:23,383
Trust me, there is
no better feeling
507
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:25,217
than knowing you have
a little nest egg
508
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,987
to fall back on.
509
00:21:30,323 --> 00:21:33,225
There are at least
eight better feelings.
510
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,227
Charlie!
Coming.
34846
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