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1
00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:03,304
(laughs loudly)
2
00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:04,572
Oh, oh, that
is so true.
3
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,040
I know exactly
what you mean.
4
00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:07,808
Hang on. I'll get
you an ashtray.
5
00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:09,277
Oh, hey, Charlie.
6
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,145
Hey. What's going on?
7
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:12,846
Oh, I just have
a friend over
8
00:00:12,913 --> 00:00:14,548
from my single parent
support group.
9
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,617
Oh, yeah. Unattached moms.
10
00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,919
I got to check out that group.
11
00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:21,922
But you don't have a kid.
12
00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,058
Are they really strict
about that?
13
00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:26,460
'Cause, at the dog park,
14
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,362
you just show up
with a leash and say,
15
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:29,430
"That's him by the tree."
16
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,499
It's a single parent group.
17
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,701
You need to be a single parent.
18
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,003
Seems a little prejudiced,
if you ask me.
19
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:38,906
Hey, Alan,
can I use your bathroom
20
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,041
or should I just
pee off the deck?
21
00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,676
It's right
down the hall.
22
00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,478
Oh, Greg, this is
my brother Charlie.
23
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:45,546
Charlie, Greg.
24
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,548
Hey.
Hey. Nice place.
25
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:48,882
Thanks.
26
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:52,620
She's a little butch for you,
isn't she?
27
00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:54,322
Greg's a divorced dad.
28
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,524
He's got a daughter
around Jake's age.
29
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,726
Well, you can understand
my confusion.
30
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:01,229
You think I joined a support
group to pick up women?
31
00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:03,131
No. I think you
joined a support group
32
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,632
because you're
a whiny little wuss.
33
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:09,170
But as long as you're there,
you might as well nail a few.
34
00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:12,373
Sex is not what
the group's about.
35
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:13,774
Oh, grow up.
36
00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,209
You put single men and women
37
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:16,977
in folding chairs
in a church basement,
38
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:19,147
they're going to start
mounting each other.
39
00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:24,252
The depths of your degeneracy
continue to astound me.
40
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,754
Really? Still?
41
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,556
So, Charlie,
I am guessing,
42
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:30,491
by the stack of racing forms
next to the can,
43
00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:32,092
you bet the ponies.
44
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,662
Hey, I'd bet on rabbits
if you could get 'em organized.
45
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:38,199
Is there a story
behind that riding crop
46
00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:39,333
hanging on the wall?
47
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,801
Oh, yeah-- that's a souvenir
48
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:43,003
from a wonderful weekend
in Louisville, Kentucky.
49
00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:44,205
Oh, you went to the Derby?
50
00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:46,374
Nah. It was a Hilton
by the airport.
51
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,543
How about you?
Do you hit the track?
52
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:53,181
Yeah. It's actually my second
biggest expense after alimony.
53
00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:55,849
So all your money
goes to the nags, huh?
54
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:58,519
Hey, your brother's funny.
55
00:01:58,586 --> 00:01:59,853
At first.
56
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,857
I'll get us
some more beers.
57
00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:05,359
Charlie, you smoke cigars?
58
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:06,427
I'd smoke rabbits
59
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,061
if you could keep 'em lit.
60
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:14,902
So, divorced dad, huh?
61
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,370
Yep.
62
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,439
How long were
you married?
63
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:19,740
16 years.
64
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,175
Whoa. What ended it?
65
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:23,311
Cheating?
Drinking? Gambling?
66
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:26,280
Gay.
67
00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:30,651
Oh. Her?
68
00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:33,387
No.
69
00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:38,259
Ah.
70
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:43,764
So, what, you didn't want
to try drinking or gambling?
71
00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:47,735
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
72
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:51,239
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
73
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,211
Are you kidding?
74
00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,146
My brother is definitely
not the marrying kind.
75
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,282
Oh. A confirmed bachelor.
76
00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:03,284
No, no, no.
Nothing's confirmed.
77
00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:06,820
I mean, I just think that
variety is the spice of life.
78
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,056
And as far as spices go,
79
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,158
some people like salt,
some people like pepper,
80
00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:13,160
some people like
salt and pepper.
81
00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:14,995
Me, I like women.
82
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:20,234
Me, too. Some of my
best friends are women.
83
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,135
No, no, no.
Don't-Don't-Don't misunderstand.
84
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:25,339
None of my friends are women.
85
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:26,307
Oh, I see.
86
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:29,176
No, you don't.
Oh, damn.
87
00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:30,478
I'm going to have to take
a rain check on that beer.
88
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:31,512
I got to get going.
89
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,647
Oh. Oh, okay.
We still on for Sunday?
90
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:34,882
Looking forward to it.
91
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,284
Really nice
meeting you, Charlie.
92
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:37,785
Maybe I'll see you
at the track sometime,
93
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,086
You never know.
94
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,621
Do you like Santa Anita
or Hollywood Park?
95
00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:42,590
Which one do you like?
Oh, I'll go either way.
96
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,625
Apparently.
97
00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:46,427
Oh, he's bad.
98
00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:48,629
You have no idea.
99
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:51,632
Okay, so I'll see you Sunday.
100
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:52,800
Bye-bye.
101
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:53,834
Adios.
102
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,669
Great guy, huh?
103
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,004
Yeah. Yeah, terrific.
104
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,672
How much do you know about him?
105
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,141
Well, I know he's
a successful architect,
106
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:03,143
his daughter is
a soccer player,
107
00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:05,613
he's gay, he has
a boat, he went to
108
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,816
U.C. Berkeley...
Okay, okay. Back up a little.
109
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,384
Oh, it's a sailboat.
110
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:12,453
Well, it's more of a sloop.
111
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,355
He's taking me and
Jake out on Sunday.
112
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:16,256
No, no, no, no, no. One more.
113
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,426
What, he's gay?
What about it?
114
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:21,395
Nothing.
I'm just looking out for you.
115
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:25,165
I mean, does he want
to take you sailing,
116
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:28,101
or does he want
to take you sailing?
117
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,575
Don't be silly.
He knows I'm not gay.
118
00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:37,144
Are you sure?
119
00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,246
For 16 years,
he didn't know he was gay.
120
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:40,648
Come on, Charlie.
121
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:42,115
You don't believe
two men can be friends
122
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:43,417
just because one
of them is gay?
123
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:47,054
It has nothing
to do with gay.
124
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,289
Imagine he were a straight guy
125
00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:50,958
and you were
an attractive young woman.
126
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,926
Do you think
you could just be friends?
127
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,495
How attractive?
128
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,364
What?
129
00:04:56,430 --> 00:05:00,233
I mean, you know,
am I kind of cute
130
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,635
in a tomboy sort of way,
131
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:04,772
or am I smokin' hot
and workin' it?
132
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,311
Okay, okay.
Let's start again.
133
00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:15,983
Imagine you
were a straight guy...
134
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,652
And?
135
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,388
No "and." That's it.
136
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:24,492
* Men.
137
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:29,196
Berta, how long have
you been working for me?
138
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:31,899
Define working.
139
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,535
What kind of hair
conditioner do I use?
140
00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:37,438
I quit.
141
00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:42,476
I use a wash-out conditioner,
142
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:44,545
then blow-dry
with a dab of styling gel.
143
00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:47,415
But you got me
a leave-in conditioner.
144
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,116
Why would you get me
a leave-in conditioner?
145
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,151
The truth?
Please.
146
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,153
It came with a free Lady Schick.
147
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:56,289
Berta, my hair
is important to me.
148
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,459
All right. Don't get
your panties in a bunch.
149
00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,260
What is that
supposed to mean?
150
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:03,597
It means don't get so agitated
that your undergarments
151
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:06,500
become entangled
within your crack.
152
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,471
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm not agitated!
153
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:14,241
I just like having extra body
without, you know, stiffness!
154
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,780
* Men.
155
00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:22,983
Okay. Why don't you
guys go hang outside
156
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,185
while we throw together
some lunch?
157
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,587
Okay. Come on, Sophie.
158
00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:27,855
This is a cool house.
159
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,122
Yeah. It's
my weekend place.
160
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:31,391
I have a second
home in the valley.
161
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,326
I think they
like each other.
162
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,762
Oh, Jake is smitten.
163
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,630
I usually only see
that look on his face
164
00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,065
when we go to
the Pancake House.
165
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:42,536
Hey.
Hiya, Charlie.
Hey.
166
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:43,771
How did
the sailing go?
167
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:44,838
Great. Perfect weather.
168
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,474
Here. I brought
you a present.
169
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,241
Really?
170
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:51,479
Yeah. It's one of those Cuban
fellas you like puffin' on.
171
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:53,547
That's sweet. Thank you.
172
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:55,649
You're very welcome.
173
00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:01,188
Did you do something different
with your hair? It looks nice.
174
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,990
Don't get me started.
175
00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:08,128
So, when did you find
out about your dad?
176
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,797
Find out what?
177
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:10,731
That he's gay.
178
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:11,732
My dad's not gay.
179
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,601
You sure? My dad is.
180
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,202
No kidding.
181
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,070
Yep.
182
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,372
You smell
like strawberries.
183
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,008
It's my lip gloss.
184
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,210
Cool. Does it taste
like it smells?
185
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,978
You want to find out?
186
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,279
Sure.
187
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:38,425
* Men.
188
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:41,629
Can we watch a soccer game
instead of basketball?
189
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:44,164
What are you, nuts?
190
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,800
Sophie says soccer's the most
popular sport in the world.
191
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:49,269
Well, then they don't
need us to watch it.
192
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,809
You know what
would be a good idea?
193
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:58,278
Maple syrup lip gloss.
194
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:04,217
Your mom will
be here any minute.
195
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,119
I thought I told
you to get ready.
I'm ready.
196
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,588
Did you do your homework?
No.
197
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:11,224
Oh, Jake, I promised your mother
you would have it done.
198
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,360
Well, next time,
you'll know better.
199
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:26,874
I think Jake has a thing for
your boyfriend's daughter.
200
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,777
He's not my boyfriend.
201
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,144
We're friends.
202
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,479
Friends, huh?
203
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:36,049
Alan, when an intelligent,
successful, attractive man
204
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,719
wants to be
friends with you,
205
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:42,389
something's amiss.
206
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:43,791
Excuse me, but if Greg
were to be interested
207
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,827
in anybody around here,
it would be you.
208
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:51,164
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
209
00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:53,266
What are you
talking about?
210
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:54,902
Come on, Charlie,
you got to admit
211
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,571
you put out
a special kind of vibe.
212
00:08:57,638 --> 00:09:00,608
You don't mean special.
213
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:03,043
You mean special!
214
00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:06,379
And I don't.
215
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:09,516
You're 40 years old,
you've never been married,
216
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,318
you play the piano,
217
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,920
you are meticulous
about your appearance...
218
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,254
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
219
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,223
I've got a riding crop
in my bathroom
220
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:18,391
that never
touched a horse.
221
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:21,929
Your bathroom also has
two kinds of skin moisturizer,
222
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:26,099
various hair gels, colognes,
powders and emollients.
223
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,168
I only have
one moisturizer.
224
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,871
The other one is a sun
block with moisturizer.
225
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,272
Oh, right, right.
226
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:34,174
You need that sun block
for when you lean out
227
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:37,144
the front door
to get the paper.
228
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,713
There's no shade out there
in the morning, Alan.
229
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,081
Uh-huh.
230
00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:43,016
Excuse me for not
wanting to spend my 50s
231
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,752
looking like
a catcher's mitt.
232
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:47,054
All right,
let's scoot away
233
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,889
from the Clinique counter
for a minute...
234
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,163
and discuss some of
the people you've attracted.
235
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:57,464
Okay, okay,
you're thinking
236
00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:59,299
about that time at
the House of Blues,
237
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:02,069
and there's no way I could
have known that was a guy.
238
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:05,806
He was 6'2", and could
palm a medicine ball.
239
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:11,812
I was drunk, he was tucked,
taped and gorgeous.
240
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:16,950
Charlie, you brought home
a dude in a dress.
241
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:20,053
A dude who wanted
to be a woman,
242
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,691
which means he was looking for
a straight man, which is me!
243
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:26,026
Rationalize it
any way you want,
244
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:29,830
but he still sends you flowers
on Valentine's Day.
245
00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:34,702
Only because I was a gentleman!
246
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,870
* Men.
247
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,405
So, how was
your weekend?
248
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:39,773
It was okay.
249
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:40,841
We went sailing.
250
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:42,342
Oh, how nice.
251
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:43,610
What else?
252
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,012
Nothing.
253
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,185
Oh, yeah. I think
Dad's gay now.
254
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,289
That was
a red light, Mom.
255
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:04,231
What's up?
256
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,767
Why does something
have to be up?
257
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,501
Can't I just drop by
and say hello?
258
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:12,405
At $350 an hour,
you can say anything you want.
259
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:13,807
Okay, well, there is something
260
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,710
that's been kind
of gnawing at me.
261
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,611
Mm-hmm?
262
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,380
Well, this friend of mine...
263
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:21,949
Your friend?
264
00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,685
Yeah, a friend.
265
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:28,021
It's your money, Charlie.
266
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:32,092
Okay, okay, is it possible
267
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:35,562
that, that, I could be gay
without knowing it?
268
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,966
Why do you ask?
269
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,401
Well, my, my brother's
got this friend...
270
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:44,838
We're talking
seven dollars a minute.
271
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:47,240
No, no, no, no.
This friend's real.
272
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:51,912
He's gay, and apparently,
I triggered his gaydar.
273
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:54,347
Well, I can understand that.
274
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:55,482
You can?
275
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:58,118
(deep voice):
You can?
276
00:11:58,185 --> 00:12:01,121
Let me ask you
something, Charlie.
277
00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:03,290
Have you ever had sex
with a man?
278
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:06,093
No! No, absolutely not!
279
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,329
(sighs)
280
00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:13,834
All right, I copped a feel once,
281
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,936
but I was drunk
and he had breasts.
282
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,843
(doorbell chimes)
283
00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:25,412
Hey, is Jake ready?
284
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,480
Jake, your father's here!
285
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,482
He'll be right out.
286
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:30,918
Good.
287
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,521
So, uh, how have you been?
288
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,588
Good, and you?
289
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,124
Good.
290
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,229
Oh, come here.
I'm so proud of you!
291
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,965
Uh, thanks.
What did I do?
292
00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:47,000
Oh, Alan, you don't
have to hide anymore.
293
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,668
Jake, told me all about
you and Greg,
294
00:12:48,735 --> 00:12:51,404
and I just want you to know
I completely support you.
295
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:52,672
Oh, oh, gee, Judith...
296
00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:55,475
Is that him in the car?
Gee, he's cute.
297
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,077
Hello!
298
00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:58,245
Oh, that must be his daughter.
299
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,180
I can see why
Jake has a crush on her.
300
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:01,781
Yeah, yeah, we're taking
them to the movies.
301
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,383
Oh, this makes so much sense.
302
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,518
I can't believe I didn't see
this when we were married.
303
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:06,419
See what?
304
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:07,955
Oh, come on, Alan.
305
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,490
You picking out my clothes,
your neat fetish,
306
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,860
the show tunes, the sex.
307
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,594
There was no sex.
308
00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:16,196
Exactly.
309
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,866
All these years you were so
miserable, and look at you now.
310
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:19,867
You're... glowing.
311
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,334
No, no, wait! Hang on a sec!
312
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:24,671
The-the reason
that there was no...
313
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:25,605
Really? I'm glowing?
314
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:27,040
Mm-hmm.
315
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:28,775
And to think all this time
I've been blaming myself
316
00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:30,243
'cause the marriage
didn't work out.
317
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:33,446
No, I'm pretty sure
you've been blaming me.
318
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:34,814
It was nobody's fault, Alan.
319
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:37,084
I'm just so glad
that you finally accepted
320
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,551
who you really are.
321
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,419
Hey, Dad.
322
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:40,687
Hey, buddy.
323
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:42,489
Hey, Sophie.
324
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:44,724
You boys are so cute
with your double dates.
325
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:46,259
Listen, Judith...
326
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,127
I almost forgot.
327
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:48,661
Your mother told me
to tell you
328
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,297
that she's behind you 100%.
329
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,432
When did you talk
to my mother?
330
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,368
Well, after Jake told me,
I called her.
331
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:56,536
Why?
332
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:58,538
We have a little bet.
It's not important.
333
00:13:58,605 --> 00:13:59,572
Okay, bye-bye!
334
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,914
I mean, okay, I do care
about my appearance.
335
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:08,381
Plus, I've got mother issues
336
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,517
and a bit of a flair
for interior design.
337
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:14,487
You know, sconces, throw
pillows, bric-a-brac.
338
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,289
Mm...
339
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:19,159
But when it comes to penises,
I am pretty clear
340
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:22,429
that the only one I want
winking at me is my own.
341
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:27,167
Who are you trying to convince
here, Charlie, me or you?
342
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:30,037
You. And than I want you
to convince me.
343
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:32,639
Why do you need convincing?
344
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,508
Wow, good question.
345
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:39,279
Thanks. Once in a while
I get a little wood on the ball.
346
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:43,050
I mean, it has been suggested
to me that all of my womanizing
347
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:45,652
is just my way
of overcompensating.
348
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,220
And who suggested that?
349
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:52,092
Uh, mostly the women I was
overcompensating on top of.
350
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:56,529
Well, this is a very
interesting area,
351
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:58,831
but I'm afraid
we're out of time.
352
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:02,002
What?!
No, no, we can't stop here!
353
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,570
I have a patient
waiting, Charlie.
354
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,372
Hold on a sec.
355
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:10,477
Here, go get yourself
something to eat.
356
00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:11,945
Come back in an hour.
357
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:19,052
Okay, new clock.
358
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,190
My mom took my temperature
the baby way
359
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,058
till I was eight years old.
360
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,466
(dramatic music playing)
361
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:53,486
Hey, Dad?
Yeah?
362
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,289
It's okay if
I'm not gay, right?
363
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,063
* Men.
364
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:06,133
Jake, listen, you and I
365
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:07,567
need to clear the air
about something.
366
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:08,801
After I call Sophie.
367
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:11,171
You just saw her.
What do you need to talk about?
368
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:12,205
It's boy-girl, stuff.
369
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,441
You wouldn't understand.
370
00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:18,911
Hey, Alan,
your mom called.
371
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,747
She gave me the news.
372
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,083
Oh, God.
373
00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:24,784
Come here.
374
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:27,420
I'm proud of ya, zippy.
375
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,357
The world is a much
happier place
376
00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:33,393
once you figure out whether
you're the pin or the cushion.
377
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:37,364
Good night.
378
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,805
Charlie?
379
00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,274
Yeah?
380
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:50,610
I think I might be gay.
381
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,480
What did you do, Alan?
382
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:58,151
Nothing, but... I'm starting
to put the pieces together.
383
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:01,721
Which piece did
you put where, Alan?
384
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:05,658
I'm just thinking
that I failed
385
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,827
at every female
relationship
I've ever had.
386
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:09,129
Oh, come on.
387
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:11,098
That makes every man
in the world gay.
388
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,667
Let me finish.
389
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:19,106
I've been unhappy
for most of my life.
390
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:21,441
I never really fit in anywhere.
391
00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:25,945
And now, suddenly, I'm happy.
392
00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:30,283
Some might even
say I'm... glowing.
393
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:35,722
There is a big leap between
glowing and flaming.
394
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:37,724
I'm just saying,
395
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:40,327
this friendship with Greg
has been, you know,
396
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,662
so easy and-and fun,
397
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:47,200
and everybody else just seems
happier thinking I'm gay.
398
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,269
Maybe that's the answer.
399
00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:51,171
What was the question?
400
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:54,241
Who is Alan Harper?
401
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:55,808
Well, that's easy.
402
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,710
Alan Harper is an idiot.
403
00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:01,514
Why is my sexuality so
threatening to you?
404
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,385
It's not threatening.
405
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,387
I am not threatened.
Is that so?
406
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:11,258
Okay, okay, now
you listen to me.
407
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,926
You're not gay,
I'm not gay.
408
00:18:13,993 --> 00:18:15,728
Nobody's gay!
Nobody's gay?
409
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:18,231
Not in this house!
410
00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:19,832
Where are you going?
411
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:22,869
I have to buy some
new hair conditioner!
412
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:27,340
* Men.
413
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:28,808
So that was a good
meeting tonight.
414
00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,210
It was okay.
415
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:33,280
But some of those
single moms get
real gossipy.
416
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:34,981
Uh! Like Rebecca Milford?
417
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,816
Oh!
Yakkity-
yakkity-yakkity.
418
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,918
Did you see
what she had on?
419
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,287
Who could miss it?
420
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,589
A woman that size
should not wear paisley.
421
00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:45,124
Okay, thanks
for the ride.
422
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:46,626
Oh. Oh, no problem.
423
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:48,761
So, we still taking the kids
to the mall Saturday?
424
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:50,062
Are you kidding?
425
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,698
I'm taking Jake
to the mall Friday
426
00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,800
so he can have cool clothes
to wear to the mall Saturday.
427
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:56,169
So maybe I'll
see you there Friday.
428
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:59,706
Okay. Bye-bye.
429
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,476
Greg, wait.
Yeah?
430
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:06,913
(grunting)
431
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:10,517
Alan?
432
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:11,984
Yeah?
433
00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:14,421
What are you doing?
434
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:19,091
Uh, I was just, you know...
435
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,193
checking.
436
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,962
Checking what?
437
00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,664
Well, it's not important.
438
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:27,099
I just thought,
uh, that, you know,
439
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,970
possibly... I might be...
440
00:19:31,037 --> 00:19:33,306
Never mind.
441
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,074
Alan, you're not gay.
442
00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:36,743
Are you sure?
443
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:40,079
Do you find me
sexually attractive?
444
00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,714
No.
445
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,916
Do you find any man
sexually attractive?
446
00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:45,618
No.
447
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,087
Uh, maybe George Clooney.
448
00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:50,623
Clooney doesn't count.
449
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,860
Trust me. You're not gay.
450
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,230
(dejected):
Okay...
451
00:19:57,297 --> 00:20:01,301
You seem disappointed.
452
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:06,839
I just... I feel like I'm
letting a lot of people down.
453
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,175
Alan...
454
00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:12,044
it's okay to be straight.
455
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,381
I know. I guess.
456
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,549
So just to put all
our cards on the table,
457
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:18,385
you're, you're not at all
attracted to me?
458
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,287
No. You're not my type.
459
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,054
Now, Charlie,
on the other hand...
460
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,256
What about him?
461
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:24,257
He's, uh...
462
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,326
very pretty.
463
00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:29,128
Get out of my car!
What?
464
00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:30,196
You think Charlie's so pretty,
465
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:31,464
go to the mall with Charlie.
466
00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:33,633
Come on, Alan, we're friends.
467
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,234
No, I'm always
the friend.
468
00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:36,569
Everybody wants
Charlie.
469
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:37,370
Alan!
470
00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:39,038
You're not gay!
471
00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:41,207
Yeah, yeah, well, there's
a principle involved.
472
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:42,409
Good night!
473
00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:47,780
Suit yourself.
474
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:58,658
Well, at least
I know who I am.
475
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:03,296
A heterosexual nut job.
476
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:04,664
* Men.
477
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:12,839
I can't believe you broke up
with Sophie's dad.
478
00:21:12,905 --> 00:21:15,074
I didn't...
479
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:17,477
I'm not...
480
00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:22,549
I'm sorry.
481
00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:24,484
You know what would help
this room?
482
00:21:24,551 --> 00:21:27,854
Get rid of all these lamps
and put in some track lighting.
483
00:21:29,055 --> 00:21:31,223
Much more flattering.
484
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:34,927
What are you eating?
485
00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:36,529
Lip gloss.
486
00:21:38,064 --> 00:21:39,799
* Men.
33352
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