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1
00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:04,338
You and Judith were
meant for each other.
2
00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:05,606
What could possibly
come between you?
3
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:06,607
My sister.
4
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,309
You got a sister?
5
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:10,378
You know what, Herb?
Judith can relax.
6
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,313
I'm going to check
into a hotel.
7
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,615
Myra, no, you don't
have to do that.
8
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,650
Yes, she does.
9
00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:19,053
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait-- you don't have
to stay at a hotel.
10
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,488
I've got plenty of room
at my place.
11
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:21,622
Yeah, I'll bet
you do.
12
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,023
No strings attached.
13
00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:24,992
Why can't I sleep
in my bed?
14
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,427
Aunt Myra's not there.
15
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,262
I'm sure she will be.
16
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:31,299
She's probably just getting
something in the kitchen.
17
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:34,235
(bed springs squeaking
ryhthmically)
18
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:40,541
That's not the kitchen.
19
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,512
* Men... *
20
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:01,329
Thinking of chewing
your arm off?
21
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,567
What? No, no, no,
why would I do that?
22
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:09,670
I don't know, maybe because
you're not horny anymore
23
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:14,508
and you just remembered
I'm staying through the weekend.
24
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:19,713
You got all that from
the twitching of
my shoulder muscles?
25
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,550
I have those
muscles too, Charlie.
26
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:25,119
Okay, good to know.
27
00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:30,090
Well, to be honest,
I did have a momentary
panic reflex,
28
00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:33,594
but it passed and I'm
actually happy you're here.
29
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:35,296
You sound surprised.
30
00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:38,732
Surprised doesn't begin
to cover it.
31
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:41,435
Normally, at this point
in a relationship,
32
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:44,538
I'm busy plotting the
appropriate exit strategy.
33
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,106
For example?
34
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:49,643
Well, that would depend
on whether I'm trying
35
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:53,214
to get rid of them just
for today or forever.
36
00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:55,683
Let's say today.
37
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:58,652
Okay, today, I have to see
my dermatologist
38
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,454
about a little rash.
39
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:03,157
Oh, that's good.
40
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:04,492
All right, what
about forever?
41
00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,126
Turns out it wasn't a rash--
42
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,628
and they won't
let me come home.
43
00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:09,763
Impressive.
44
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,332
Thank you.
45
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:13,567
I'm kind of a savant.
46
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:17,205
Well, it looks like
you're good at
two things.
47
00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:18,506
What's the other one?
48
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:24,612
Oh, right.
49
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:25,613
The piano.
50
00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:30,518
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
51
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,354
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
52
00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:38,426
Okay, I just checked--
53
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,294
no one slept in
my bed all night.
54
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,296
It's none of your business
who slept where.
55
00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:44,198
Excuse me, but if who
sleeps in my bed
56
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,599
is not my business,
then what is?
57
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,501
Let it go, Goldilocks.
58
00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:48,469
Morning.
59
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:50,170
Morning.
60
00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:52,573
And how many times do you have
to get up to go pee?
61
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,442
I wasn't counting.
62
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,210
I was-- four.
63
00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:58,746
Okay, one of those was to get
a glass of water.
64
00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:00,214
Well, there's your problem.
65
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:01,549
Stop topping off the tank.
66
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:03,851
What's going on?
67
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,320
I had to sleep in
Dad's room last night,
68
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:09,390
'cause Uncle Charlie invited
Aunt Myra to stay in my
room, but it turns out...
69
00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:11,124
Got it.
70
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,126
Well, do you think it's fair?
71
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,296
Nothing about your Uncle
Charlie's life is fair, kid.
72
00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:16,564
Hurry up and finish
your breakfast.
73
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,532
We've got to get you
fitted for a tux.
74
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:20,334
Why do I have to
wear a tuxedo?
75
00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:21,402
Because your mother's
getting married
76
00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:22,770
and you're in the wedding party.
77
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:24,905
Why do I have to be
in the wedding party?
78
00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:26,674
Because your mother still
thinks you're cute.
79
00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:28,809
Morning.
80
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,344
Morning.
Morning.
81
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:31,512
Everybody get
a good night's sleep?
82
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,381
No.
No.
83
00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:36,250
Say, Charlie, where's
this houseguest I'm
hearing about?
84
00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:40,454
Uh, gee, I guess she's
probably still asleep
in Jake's room.
85
00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:42,390
Oh, please, you are
such a liar.
86
00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:43,824
What?
87
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,493
Forget it, Charlie, we know.
88
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:46,494
You do?
89
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,396
ALL:
We do.
90
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:51,499
Okay, well, I got
a good night's sleep.
91
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,368
Probably because Aunt Myra
doesn't pee a lot.
92
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,206
Can I talk to you in private?
93
00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:01,509
Come on, it's no big deal.
94
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,176
I was in the middle
of flossing
95
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,745
and suddenly, there she is,
sitting on my bed...
96
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:05,746
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
97
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:08,582
He doesn't need to hear this.
98
00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,884
Fine.
99
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:13,954
Like I didn't hear
enough last night.
100
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:22,296
Okay, uh, let me
just start
101
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:25,733
by saying I applaud
the, uh... the gusto
102
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:26,934
with which
you approach life.
103
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,436
Thank you.
104
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,771
Um, that being said, uh...
105
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:34,442
are you, um,
out of your frickin' mind?!
106
00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:37,277
Beg pardon?
107
00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:39,880
You just could not
control yourself.
108
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,350
A female's in the house--
she must be mounted.
109
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:44,885
No, it's not like that at all.
110
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,354
And why do you even care?
111
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,390
Why?! You ask me why?!
112
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:52,259
Never mind, unimportant.
113
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,828
I will tell you why.
114
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:58,265
Because every time you rut
with any woman
115
00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,000
even remotely connected
to my life,
116
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,234
I end up suffering.
117
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,536
Oh, that's ridiculous.
118
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:04,438
Ridiculous you say?
119
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:07,240
All right, all right, let's
look at the record.
120
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,378
Um, you slept with
Judith's sister...
121
00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:11,645
Well, yeah, but...
122
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,548
...at my wedding reception!
123
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:18,452
All right, poor timing.
124
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:22,022
You had more sex
on my wedding day than I did.
125
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:24,658
That part's not my fault.
126
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,293
Okay, okay.
127
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,728
Let's jump ahead.
128
00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:30,531
Uh, when Judith
was divorcing me,
129
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:34,001
who seduced and then abandoned
my lawyer,
130
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,504
causing her to take revenge
on me?
131
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,472
Hold on, that chick was nuts.
132
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,508
I lost everything.
133
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:43,611
Well, to be fair, you didn't
have that much to begin with.
134
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:51,018
And now...
135
00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:54,354
that Judith is finally
getting remarried,
136
00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:58,492
and I can see the light at the
end of the alimony tunnel,
137
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:01,795
you decide,
"Hey, why don't I start humping
138
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,397
her new sister-in-law?"
139
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:06,033
That is not how it happened.
140
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,568
I don't care how it happened.
141
00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,403
I only care
how it's going to end.
142
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,539
And it's going to end
badly for me.
143
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:12,640
How?
144
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,408
Explain how.
145
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,309
I don't know yet.
146
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:16,977
That's always part of the fun.
147
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:23,451
Trying to guess how your penis
is going to bite me in the ass.
148
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:26,987
Alan, you got
to believe me here.
149
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,389
This is different.
I really like Myra.
150
00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,559
Oh, you like all of them.
151
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,995
And then you don't.
152
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,831
What's going to happen
when you get tired
of this poor girl...?
153
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,032
Morning.
154
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:40,868
Morning.
Morning.
155
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,470
Boy, I slept great.
156
00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:45,573
Jake's bed is
really comfortable.
157
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:48,341
Don't bother.
He knows.
158
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,378
Oh. Boy, I slept great.
159
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:53,481
Charlie's a terrific lover.
160
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:56,884
Oh, this one's going to be bad.
161
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:04,558
I don't understand
why I can't have
the blue tuxedo.
162
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,627
Because you're going
to your mother's wedding,
163
00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:09,362
not hosting a game show
on Telemundo.
164
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:13,433
(Spanish accent):
This from a grown man wearing
a green polo shirt.
165
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,607
Look, all the other men
are going to be wearing
black tuxedos.
166
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,408
If all the other men were
jumping off a bridge
167
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:22,876
would you want me
to do that, too?
168
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,945
If it would keep your mother
off my back, yes.
169
00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,446
I'll get
the jacket.
170
00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:28,716
Thank you.
171
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,851
Listen, this is a very
big day for your mother.
172
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:32,452
It's important that
you cooperate
173
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,854
and make her proud
of you.
174
00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:36,690
I'm her son-- she has
to be proud of me.
175
00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,859
You think so, huh?
176
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:40,494
Have you met my mother?
177
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,162
Oh, yeah.
178
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:45,032
Let me explain
something to you.
179
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,668
A woman's wedding day is
something she will remember
for the rest of her life.
180
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,169
So if you screw it up,
181
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:51,539
she will never forgive you.
182
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:54,041
Even if it were your
brother's fault and
that there was nothing
183
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:57,010
you could do to prevent it
short of having him fixed.
184
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,547
Don't worry, Dad, it
will be fine.
185
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,414
Thank you.
186
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,650
I don't have a brother.
187
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:09,957
Okay, we haven't really talked
about what all this means.
188
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:11,491
What what means?
189
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:13,527
All the big changes
that are happening.
190
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,195
It's just a couple
of hairs, Dad.
191
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,531
It's not that big a deal.
192
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:25,172
Not-Not those changes, but...
193
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:28,041
the wedding, I mean,
you're going to have a
stepdad in your life.
194
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,543
So?
195
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:32,079
So, is there anything you
want to talk about?
196
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,213
Do you have
any questions?
197
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,782
Just one.
198
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,149
Yeah, buddy?
199
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,652
Why can't I wear
the blue tuxedo?
200
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:42,556
* Men... *
201
00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:44,958
Jake, your dinner's
getting cold.
202
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,894
So, what did you guys
do today?
203
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,097
We went on the
Universal Studios tour
204
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,700
and then Charlie took me
to the Hollywood Wax Museum.
205
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,902
You're kidding! I thought you
hated that touristy stuff.
206
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,536
What gave you that idea?
207
00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:58,839
Well, whenever I ask you
to go someplace like that,
208
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:01,541
you say, "I hate
that touristy stuff."
209
00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:03,476
Well, this is different.
210
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,246
How?
I enjoy her company.
211
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,182
And it's my first trip
to L.A.,
212
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,484
so I want to do all
the traditional stuff.
213
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,553
Tomorrow, we're going to sit
in rush hour traffic
214
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,188
and give other
drivers the finger.
215
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,926
Good evening.
216
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:23,130
Why are you wearing that?
217
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,765
You said I looked
great in it.
218
00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,667
You do, but I don't want you
messing it up
219
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:27,601
before your mom's wedding.
220
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,002
I won't mess it up.
221
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,270
Oh, come on, Alan,
you've got to admit
222
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:31,939
he lends a bit
of class to the place.
223
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,941
Thank you, my good man.
224
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,577
Hey, speaking
of the wedding,
225
00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:40,681
Charlie, I have a favor
I'd like to ask.
Sure.
226
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:43,116
Well, I have to be there,
and I was just thinking
227
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,552
that the only way it is
going to be any fun,
228
00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:48,789
is if you come with me.
229
00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:52,893
(choking)
230
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,266
You want me to be
your date at Judith's wedding?
231
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:01,268
(loud gagging)
232
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,772
Yeah.
233
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:06,306
We'll have some laughs--
what do you say?
234
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:08,241
(hissing)
235
00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:12,045
(clearing throat)
236
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,580
I'm laughing already.
237
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,117
Uh-oh.
238
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:31,298
* Men... *
239
00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:40,040
You tell Judith if she wants me
to be a bridesmaid
240
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,042
and wear that brown satin turd
of a dress,
241
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:44,712
then I am entitled to bring
whoever I want as a date,
242
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:46,313
and I want Charlie!
243
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,917
Okay, bye.
244
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,885
See? No problem.
245
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,788
(phone ringing)
246
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,363
(ringing continues)
247
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,166
Okay.
248
00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:09,269
Hi, Judith.
249
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,306
Problem.
250
00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:16,209
Here's your suit.
251
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,011
Thanks, Berta.
252
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:22,182
The dry cleaners found
$46 and a condom in
the breast pocket.
253
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:25,118
Here's the condom.
254
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:29,656
Again, thanks.
255
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,358
Can I give you
some free advice?
256
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:34,795
Free? I'm already down $46.
257
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:37,197
What is it you always say
about going to a wedding
258
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:38,298
with a woman
you're sleeping with?
259
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:39,399
This is different, Berta.
260
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,268
You say-- and I quote--
261
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:45,105
"Better I should light
myself on fire and run
through a meth lab."
262
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:49,943
Oh, that's just
a figure of speech.
263
00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:52,412
Come on, Charlie, what are
you doing with this girl?
264
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:55,382
What do you mean?
I mean, she's a nice kid.
265
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:58,118
You're gonna break
her heart.
You don't know that.
266
00:11:58,185 --> 00:11:59,753
I know you.
267
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:02,655
Myra's not one of your Handi
Wipes in high heels
268
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:07,427
that you can just throw out
after you... wipe your handi.
269
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:10,397
Yeah? Well, you don't know
what you're talking about,
270
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:13,366
because this relationship
is not based on sex.
271
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,168
Not based on sex?
272
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,371
Well, unless she sweats bourbon
and farts hundred-dollar bills,
273
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:21,341
what exactly is gonna
keep you together?
274
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,177
JAKE:
Oh, crap.
275
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,752
No, Judith, you listen to me.
276
00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,687
If Myra wants to bring Charlie
to the wedding,
277
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:35,688
then that's her business.
278
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,290
N-No. No, I will not intervene,
279
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,960
and you're just gonna have
to live with it. Good-bye!
280
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,294
I changed my mind.
281
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:43,030
I'm not going
to the wedding.
282
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,032
Ooh, thank God!
283
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,435
Judith, great news.
284
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,004
I talked him out of it.
285
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,707
Hey.
Hey.
286
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,109
Whatcha doing?
287
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,878
Grading tests.
288
00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,380
10th grade economics?
Uh-huh.
289
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:01,849
Ask me a question.
290
00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:03,750
Okay. "The functions
and implications
291
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,118
of monetary policy..."
292
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:07,087
Never mind.
293
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,989
You sure?
I grade on a curve.
294
00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:11,825
That's all right;
I'm stupid on a straight line.
295
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:15,062
Listen, um...
296
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,931
about the wedding, uh...
297
00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:21,001
I don't... I don't
think I should go.
298
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:22,202
Okay.
299
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,837
I'm just concerned
300
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:26,373
that-that maybe we should
slow things down a bit.
301
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:27,975
What things?
302
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:31,478
You know... things.
303
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:35,482
I mean... you don't know
me that well, and...
304
00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:39,286
I'm afraid that I might
hurt you without meaning to.
305
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,922
Don't worry about it.
306
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,924
Okay, good. I won't.
307
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:52,132
Exactly what is it
I'm not worrying about?
308
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:53,867
Hurting me.
309
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,335
Right.
310
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:59,472
And why am I not
worrying about that?
311
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:02,309
I'm a big girl, Charlie.
312
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:04,444
Some might even say a woman.
313
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:10,017
I want to go to the
wedding with you.
314
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:15,322
Don't worry about Jake--
I'll get him there
in plenty of time.
315
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,823
Well, you are
very welcome.
316
00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:19,292
Best of luck to you
and her. Bye-bye.
317
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,161
I'm going to the wedding.
318
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,566
* Men... *
319
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,301
What is this, candle wax?
320
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:32,439
How do you get candle wax
on the seat of your pants?
321
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:34,374
I don't know.
You don't know?
322
00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:37,444
Okay, I might've lit
a couple of farts.
323
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:43,083
I'm ready. Myra's ready.
Is he ready?
324
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:44,217
Does he look ready?
325
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,353
Well,
326
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,488
he's not wearing
any pants.
327
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,524
That's ready
for some things.
328
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:54,027
Just go ahead.
I'll get him there.
329
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:55,162
Okay.
330
00:14:58,065 --> 00:14:59,432
What is that?
331
00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:04,104
Pudding.
332
00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,907
* Men... *
333
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:25,292
You know what?
334
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,593
I just realized something.
335
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:30,463
I am two for two
at Judith's weddings.
336
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:34,601
What a coincidence--
I'm two for two
at Herb's weddings.
337
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,536
Oh. Okay.
338
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,038
What about funerals?
339
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:40,240
Can you beat a
three-way in a hearse.
340
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:43,410
No.
341
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:45,078
You have to
think about it?
342
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:48,115
It's a gray area.
343
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:49,316
Where have you been?
344
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,251
I've been looking
all over for you.
345
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:52,619
We were having sex
in the coatroom.
346
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,621
Ha-ha. Good one.
347
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:57,424
Listen, one
of my groomsmen
348
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,192
got food poisoning,
so you're gonna have
349
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,061
to walk down the aisle
with Uncle Fred.
350
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,195
Uncle Fred?
351
00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:03,630
Is that the only man left?
352
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,332
Well, there's cousin Trudy.
353
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:08,568
She's pre-op, but she's
wearing a very nice tux.
354
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,971
Why can't I just walk down
the aisle with Charlie?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
355
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:14,141
Whoa, I'm just an innocent
bystander at this shindig.
356
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,076
Oh, come on, picture
the look on Judith's face
357
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,344
when she sees you
at the altar.
358
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,512
I'm in.
359
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:23,150
Oh, God.
360
00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:26,486
(whispers):
Herb. Herb.
361
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:29,222
Oh, hi. Hey, thanks
for bringing him down.
362
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:30,990
Well, you look
very handsome, Jake.
363
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,959
I know. It's the tux.
364
00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:34,494
Okay, well, uh,
congratulations.
365
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,496
I wish you both a
lot of happiness.
366
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,031
Oh, thanks, Al.
367
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:39,332
Don't make the same
mistakes I did.
368
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:42,069
I won't-- she wrote
them down for me.
369
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:46,173
Good. All right, buddy,
uh, have some fun.
Okay.
370
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,577
Oh. Remember,
that tux is a rental.
371
00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:53,446
Excuse me.
372
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,482
Are you Judith's
ex-husband?
373
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,617
Uh, yeah, yeah, I was just
dropping off our son.
374
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,119
I'm sorry, do I know you?
375
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,088
Oh, no, not
really, it's...
376
00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:04,391
Herb and I were engaged
before he met Judith, so...
377
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:05,692
And you're coming
to his wedding?
378
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:07,427
Yeah, well, we're
still friends.
379
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:11,231
Oh. Well, how very...
California of you.
380
00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:13,633
Well, I wish him the best.
381
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,435
Mm.
382
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,037
I have to tell you, though,
based on first impressions,
383
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:20,273
I'm not sure that
Judith is trading up.
384
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:22,275
Oh. Thank you.
(laughs)
385
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:25,245
Uh, and having just met you,
I feel safe in saying
386
00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:27,380
that Herb's not getting
an upgrade, either.
387
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:30,350
(laughs)
388
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,621
(organ playing)
389
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:40,693
Oh, man!
390
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,105
Nice dress.
391
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,406
Bite me.
392
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:56,209
Okay. Meet me
in the coatroom.
(laughs)
393
00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:59,412
Listen, after the reception,
can you take me to the airport?
394
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:01,080
You're flying
home tonight?
395
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:02,315
Yeah.
396
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:04,050
I thought we had
something going here.
397
00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:05,585
We did, and now
I'm going home.
398
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:08,087
Okay. Maybe I can come
visit you sometime.
399
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,557
Ooh, I don't think my boyfriend
would like that very much.
400
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,492
Your boyfriend?
401
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,161
He's more like a fiancé.
402
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,595
You're getting married?!
403
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:20,167
(organ playing "Wedding March")
404
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:27,374
(whispers):
Why didn't you tell me
you were engaged?
405
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,242
I thought it would be awkward.
406
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:30,510
(loudly):
Awkward?!
407
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,126
MINISTER:
You may be seated.
408
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:55,235
Mm, ow. We-we really
shouldn't be doing this.
409
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,103
Why not?
They broke our hearts.
410
00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:58,571
Uh, yeah, but I'm
kind of over it.
411
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,139
I'm not.
412
00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:03,243
Mm, mm, uh,
hang on, hang on.
413
00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:04,777
Maybe we could go out
for coffee first.
414
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,446
Or-or a movie.
415
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:10,417
Alan, this is gonna happen
with you or without you.
416
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:13,586
With me or...?
417
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,388
How does that work?
418
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:18,458
The institution of marriage
is not one to enter lightly,
419
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:22,329
so we pause at this time
to consider the depth
420
00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,197
of that commitment.
421
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:28,668
(loud clattering)
WOMAN:
Oh, Alan Harper, you animal!
422
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:32,305
(clattering continues)
I can't believe
Judith let you go!
423
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:35,308
Oh, God! Alan Harper!
Oh, God!
424
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:39,312
Oh, don't stop, Alan Harper!
425
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:41,281
Please don't stop!
426
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:44,551
Oh, Alan Harper, I feel
like a woman again!
427
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,822
I'm Alan Harper,
and I'm not having sex!
428
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,894
* Men... *
429
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,134
Hey.
430
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,436
Hey.
431
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,438
How was the reception?
432
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,243
Kind of a letdown
after the ceremony.
433
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:15,282
But you'll be happy to know
your little outburst
434
00:20:15,348 --> 00:20:17,284
is already on YouTube.
435
00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:20,920
Damn camera phones.
436
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:23,290
Boy, is Mom mad at you.
437
00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:24,657
Yeah.
438
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,893
Well, she might as well
start her second marriage
439
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,395
the same way as the first.
440
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:31,163
(clears throat):
So...
441
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,199
drinking in the dark, eh?
442
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:36,769
It wasn't dark
when I started.
443
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,706
Did you get Myra
to the airport?
444
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,207
Yep.
445
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:42,709
And you know what?
446
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:44,311
I'll never see her again.
447
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:46,846
I was just a meaningless fling
to that girl.
448
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,549
(groans softly)
449
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,919
I'll bet this is that whole
karma thing people talk about.
450
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:55,455
Could be.
451
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:56,756
(sighs)
452
00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:59,659
You know that feeling
you get when...
453
00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:01,894
somebody's gone from your life,
and you...
454
00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:04,464
you suddenly realize
that you miss them?
455
00:21:04,531 --> 00:21:06,533
Yeah.
456
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,669
I don't care for it.
457
00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:12,705
Hey, you know
what always cheers me up?
458
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:14,206
Pigs in a blanket.
32144
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