Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,640
(keys jingling, phone rings)
2
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,279
Hello.
3
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,082
Oh, hey, Julia;
I was just on my way over.
4
00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:15,616
Anything I need to bring?
5
00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:20,654
Thai food, wine, batteries?
6
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:23,224
What do you mean, "Don't come"?
7
00:00:23,291 --> 00:00:24,525
(sighs)
8
00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:26,294
Gee, do you really think
your psychiatrist
9
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,496
is the best judge
of who you should sleep with?
10
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:32,100
Well, sure you could do better.
11
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,502
We could both do better.
12
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:37,438
But in the meantime,
I am on my way over.
13
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:39,473
Okay, okay, need
to stop you here.
14
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:40,708
There is a big difference
15
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:44,678
between "meaningless"
and "degrading."
16
00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:46,647
You know what?
17
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:49,417
I think we just have
to agree to disagree.
18
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:52,320
Okay, then,
you have a nice life, too.
19
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:58,992
Why do these women
insist on getting well?
20
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,429
Hey, Alan...
Hang on, Charlie.
21
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,364
This is an
important moment,
22
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:05,099
and I want
to savor it.
23
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,569
Alan...
24
00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:11,272
J.
25
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,107
Harper.
26
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,311
What's the big deal?
It's just an alimony check.
27
00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:19,280
Not an alimony check.
28
00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:23,517
This is my final alimony check.
29
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,155
Isn't it beautiful?
30
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:28,422
Oh, wait.
31
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:29,557
Judith is getting married
this weekend.
32
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:30,558
Exactly.
33
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:32,693
And you know
what that means.
34
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,062
You can finally kick in
a few bucks around here?
35
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:39,200
Good one. No.
36
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,902
It means Alan gets
new underwear.
37
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:46,940
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go pick up my son
38
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:49,710
and deliver this last drop
of blood money
39
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,279
to the former Mrs. Alan Harper
40
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,347
and soon-to-be
Mrs. Herb Melnick.
41
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,048
May God have
mercy on his soul.
42
00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:00,221
Amen.
43
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,891
So, you want
some company?
44
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,259
You want to come
with me?
45
00:02:05,326 --> 00:02:07,228
Eh, why not?
I don't have
any plans.
46
00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:09,830
You got stood up
again, didn't you?
47
00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:11,865
I'm starting to think
all these girls
48
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:14,001
have the same
damn shrink.
49
00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:16,270
All right, well, if you're
gonna come, grab your camera.
50
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,239
You can take some snapshots
of Pharaoh Judith
51
00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:19,940
letting her Alan go.
52
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:22,109
Got the camera right here.
53
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:24,144
You carry it with you?
54
00:02:24,212 --> 00:02:25,779
I thought I had a date.
55
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:29,149
Takes video, too.
56
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:33,387
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
57
00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:37,391
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
58
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:40,361
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
59
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,463
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
60
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:45,233
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
61
00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,202
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
62
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:52,005
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
63
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:01,915
Stopping at the copy place
was a great idea.
64
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:05,519
And the picture
will make a terrific
Christmas card.
65
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,556
JUDITH:
Want to get
the door, Herb?!
66
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:09,957
HERB:
Stop yelling at me!
67
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,659
I'm not yelling!
68
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:14,495
(louder):
This is yelling!
69
00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:16,764
You know what?
This really isn't that funny.
70
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:19,567
Oh, hi, Alan,
Charlie.
71
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:20,601
Herb.
Hey.
72
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:21,802
This a bad time?
73
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,238
The Spanish Inquisition
was a bad time.
74
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:26,139
This is hell.
75
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,441
Come in.
76
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:28,776
So what's going on?
77
00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:30,644
A little pre-
wedding jitters?
78
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,145
You could call it that,
79
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,147
but we'd just
be sugar-coating hell.
80
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:35,783
Oh, don't worry.
81
00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:37,651
As soon as Judith puts
on that beautiful
white gown
82
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,119
and starts marching
down that aisle...
83
00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:40,454
She doesn't want
to wear white.
84
00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:42,155
Says it makes
her look fat.
85
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,724
Oh, well, that's nice.
86
00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,192
She wants to look
trim and fit
87
00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:46,427
for the honeymoon.
88
00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:49,363
You're sugar-coating
hell again, Alan.
89
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:50,731
If you really want
to help the guy,
90
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,500
stop talking and smother him
with a pillow.
91
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,802
Hey.
92
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:57,371
Hey, there's the blushing bride.
93
00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:58,639
She doesn't look fat
at all.
94
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:01,675
Go ahead.
Give her the check.
95
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,344
What check?
96
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:07,681
Oh, uh, well, I-I figured
as long as I was here,
97
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:13,153
that I would give you your last
and final alimony check.
98
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,525
Got it.
99
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,226
What the hell are you doing?
100
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,494
Just a little
souvenir.
101
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:21,895
I'll go find Jake.
102
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,797
See? She's being
a good sport.
103
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,433
Let's get one
with the big check.
104
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,601
Forget the big check.
105
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:31,505
So, um, you know, um,
I-I read an interesting
story the other day.
106
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:33,907
Uh, married men
live, on average,
107
00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:35,909
ten years longer
than single men.
108
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:37,811
What if they
don't want to?
109
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:40,748
Come on, you and Judith
were made for each other.
110
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,583
What could possibly
come between you?
111
00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:43,451
My sister.
112
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:44,885
You got a sister?
113
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,720
Down, Charlie.
114
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:49,323
She came out a few days early
to help with the wedding,
115
00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:50,391
but it's not really helping.
116
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:51,759
What does she look like?
Charlie!
117
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,527
She doesn't have
a therapist, does she?
118
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:54,595
Charlie, I swear to God!
119
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:56,664
So what do you think?
120
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,600
Should I wear it or have a vet
check it for worms?
121
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:03,203
No, no, it looks fine.
122
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:05,339
Oh, Myra, this is
Judith's first husband, Alan.
123
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:07,341
Hi.
So how does this work?
124
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,209
Do you get your
original testicles back
125
00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:10,978
or does my brother
give you his?
126
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:15,449
Myra, the castration jokes
are getting a little old.
127
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:16,917
Not in my house.
128
00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:20,421
Myra, this is Alan's brother,
Charlie.
129
00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:22,289
Oh, yeah, the booze-
riddled sleazebag.
130
00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:24,958
She did not hear that from me.
131
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,595
It's not like it's a big secret.
132
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:28,762
JUDITH:
Myra,
133
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:29,997
where the hell is Jake?
134
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,965
How should I know?
135
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:33,967
Because I asked you
to get him ready to go
to his father's.
136
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:38,238
You also asked me to try on
this satin stool sample.
137
00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:40,541
Herb, tell your sister
it's a lovely dress.
138
00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:42,476
Herb, tell your fiancée
the diet pills
139
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:44,945
are affecting her judgment
but not her ass.
140
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,747
That's it,
she's got to go.
141
00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:48,882
I can't throw
out family!
142
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:51,519
And that's the
bitch of it, Herb.
143
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:55,989
Hey, um, Charlie and I
144
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,891
were thinking of taking
Jake out to a movie.
145
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,627
We were?
We were.
146
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,429
Myra, would you like
to join us?
147
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:02,996
You didn't say anything
about a movie.
148
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,666
I wanted to
surprise you.
149
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,668
Hey, you know what?
That's a great idea.
150
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,503
Go to a movie
with Alan and Charlie.
151
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,905
Can I wear my pretty new dress?
152
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:14,508
Get her out, Herb.
153
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:17,911
Hey, look what I found
in the bushes.
154
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,585
* Men...
155
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,556
(sighs)
156
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:31,892
God, I hate
family movies.
157
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,594
What, you don't buy
the central premise
158
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:35,529
that a dog
can play hockey?
159
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,601
Well, not as a
power forward.
160
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,807
Oh. We're flying the
friendly skies, are we?
161
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,076
After you.
162
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,944
(smacks lips)
Why, thank you.
163
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:56,617
So, you're staying
at Judith's.
164
00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:58,486
Yep.
165
00:06:58,552 --> 00:07:00,420
What does she
say about me?
166
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:01,955
Well, if she's telling
the truth,
167
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,992
we really shouldn't be drinking
out of the same cup.
168
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:06,860
That might be
the nicest thing
169
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,697
she's ever
said about me.
170
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:12,966
I just don't understand
what my brother sees in her.
171
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:18,071
You know, 15 years
ago I asked the exact
same question.
172
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,607
A little tip?
173
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,709
Don't do it during
the wedding toast.
174
00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:26,013
Maybe you can clear
something up for me.
175
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,849
Herb says you're
a successful jingle writer,
176
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,884
but Judith says you are
a drunken talentless hack
177
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,986
who passed out and fell
into a pit of money.
178
00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:36,657
So what do you
need cleared up?
179
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:42,496
(clears throat)
Boy, you got me
at a disadvantage.
180
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:44,097
I don't know why
Judith hates you.
181
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:46,700
Hmm, it's hard to say.
182
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,502
Maybe it's 'cause
I'm smart.
183
00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:50,771
Maybe it's because
I'm independent.
184
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:53,140
Maybe it's because I offered my
brother a thousand dollars
185
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:54,875
to call off the wedding.
186
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:57,845
I did the same thing
with my brother.
187
00:07:57,911 --> 00:08:04,685
You did?
188
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:07,454
...but the thought
was the same.
189
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:16,597
So, Myra...
what do you do?
190
00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:19,032
I teach high school
economics.
191
00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:20,701
Huh.
192
00:08:20,768 --> 00:08:22,469
It may sound
like a boring life,
193
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:25,505
but at night, I dress up like
a giant spider and fight crime.
194
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,477
Interesting. Now,
did you decide spider
195
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:31,945
and have the costume made
196
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,848
or did you find the costume
and say, "Okay, spider"?
197
00:08:36,584 --> 00:08:38,586
Are you mocking
the Scarlet Arachnid?
198
00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:41,989
Sorry, sorry.
199
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,592
It's just hard to believe
that you're Herb's sister.
200
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,594
He's so...
201
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,095
Hapless?
202
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:52,933
I was going to say "tall,"
but hapless works.
203
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,003
To hapless Herb.
204
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:58,005
To the Scarlet Arachnid.
205
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,507
Shh.
206
00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:01,942
(whispering):
My enemies are everywhere.
207
00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:04,745
* Men...
208
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:09,449
* Let's all go to the lobby,
let's all go the lobby *
209
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:14,888
* Let's all go the lobby
and have ourselves a treat. *
210
00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:17,658
We're here.
211
00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:21,061
Oh, yes,
Judith's house of pain.
212
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:23,463
Shh, shh, ixnay!
213
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:24,531
That's her id-kay.
214
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:27,901
We're... here.
215
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:30,838
Well, thanks
for the movie.
216
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,472
Wait. Wait, wait.
217
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:35,575
I'll walk you.
Why, thank you.
218
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:37,510
CHARLIE:
Whoa!
219
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:38,679
(thud)
220
00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:39,880
MYRA:
You okay?
221
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:43,583
CHARLIE:
I never know till I sober up.
222
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:46,086
I think
they like each other.
223
00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:47,855
Well, sure they
like each other.
224
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,691
No, I mean, they like
like each other.
225
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:52,092
(chuckles)
Oh, no, Jake.
226
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:54,061
Your Uncle Charlie
only like likes
227
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,929
a certain type of woman.
228
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,999
Mom calls 'em tramps.
229
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:02,202
That's as good
a word as any.
230
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,605
(sighs)
Thanks, that was fun.
231
00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:07,540
Yeah, it was.
232
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:08,676
See ya around.
233
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:09,943
Yeah.
234
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:15,582
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I did that.
235
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,284
Who cares?
236
00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:21,955
Looks like Aunt Myra's
a tramp, huh?
237
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,294
* Men...
238
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:35,502
It's no big deal.
239
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:38,271
That's how Charlie says
good-bye.
240
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,974
Some people shake hands,
some people wave,
241
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:44,277
my brother darts his tongue
in and out of your mouth.
242
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:45,645
What'd I miss?
243
00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:47,514
You know Dr. Melnick?
244
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,316
Guy your mom's
marrying?
245
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:52,920
He has a sister...
Got it.
246
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,622
I'm sure it has nothing to do
with you, Judith.
247
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:56,957
Wait, hang on a second.
248
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,658
Jake, are you done
with your breakfast?
249
00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:00,360
Yeah.
Then get out.
250
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:02,696
Fine, Berta will just tell me
later, right?
251
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:03,663
Right.
252
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,936
Okay, Judith, that's insane.
253
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,038
Charlie would not do Myra
just to piss you off.
254
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,874
I don't think.
255
00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:15,743
How would I know
what he sees in her?
256
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,544
She got working girl parts?
257
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:20,547
You know what?
258
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:22,382
You leave. Send Jake back.
259
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,352
Okay, okay. Fine, fine.
260
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:26,887
I'll talk to him.
261
00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:28,789
(chuckles)
I, I don't know.
262
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:31,558
I'll, uh, I'll tell him
to keep his hands off Myra.
263
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,693
And then I'll tell
the rain not to fall,
264
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:36,529
the Earth not to spin
and you to stop nagging me!
265
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:46,306
Oh, boy, I'm going
to pay for that.
266
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,341
You know what your problem is?
267
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:49,542
Phone cojones.
268
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:50,844
Excuse me?
269
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,479
When you're
on the phone with her,
270
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,347
you got boulders
between your legs.
271
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:59,486
The minute you hang up,
you're as smooth as a Ken doll.
272
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,990
Phone cojones.
273
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,491
Good to have a name for it.
274
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,659
So, tell me about the sister.
275
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,028
(sighs)
I don't know.
276
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,496
She doesn't seem
like his type at all.
277
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,632
What, no coin slot
in her forehead?
278
00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:14,501
Morning.
Morning.
279
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,403
Charlie, we need
to talk about Myra.
280
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,738
Yeah, that was
probably a mistake.
281
00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:19,739
It was?
282
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,474
She's a nice kid, but...
283
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:22,843
she's just not,
you know...
284
00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:25,846
A red-hot simpleton
with no self-respect?
285
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:29,549
I just hope she
didn't take
286
00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:30,951
that whole kiss
thing too seriously.
287
00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:32,986
So, you're not planning
on pursuing her?
288
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:34,354
No, no, no.
289
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,089
In fact, I got
a date tonight
290
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:39,359
with a lovely sex
addict whose therapist
is on vacation.
291
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,029
It's what we
eligible bachelors
292
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,331
call "a window
of opportunity."
293
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,835
You know, Charlie, there's
a special section in hell
294
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,636
reserved for people like you.
295
00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:51,504
That's good,
296
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:54,942
'cause I'd hate
to have to stand on line.
297
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:57,677
So I'm like, "Yeah,
I can make a lot of money
298
00:12:57,744 --> 00:12:59,012
"as a lingerie model,
but then who's
299
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,982
gonna take me seriously
as a director?"
300
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,783
Good point.
301
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:06,019
Sometimes I wish
I wasn't beautiful.
302
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,621
I mean, ugly people
have it so easy, you know?
303
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:10,557
I've heard.
304
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,060
So, what about you?
Still writing jingles?
305
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,828
Just during the day.
306
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:17,931
At night, I dress up as a
big spider and fight crime.
307
00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:20,467
Huh. You know,
I dated a cop once.
308
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:21,835
Well, it wasn't
so much a date
309
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:24,571
as a way to get
out of a ticket.
310
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:25,973
Interesting.
311
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:28,141
Okay. Here we are.
312
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,878
Ah. I hope this place
has fresh lobster.
313
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:33,446
That frozen stuff
is just disgusting.
314
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:47,895
* Men...
315
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,730
JUDITH:
You know what, Herb?
316
00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:52,165
Forget it.
I'll do it myself.
317
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,467
HERB:
I said I would do it--
I'll do it!
318
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,169
MYRA:
For God's sake,
Judith, get off his back!
319
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:57,971
JUDITH:
No one's talking to you, Myra!
320
00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,839
HERB:
Okay, everyone calm down.
321
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,408
I'm doing it.
322
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:03,710
Oh. Hi, Charlie.
323
00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:04,978
Hey, Herb.
324
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,814
Just taking out the trash.
325
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:10,750
Yeah, I'm coming from
doing the same thing.
326
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,521
Great. He leaves
the door wide op...
327
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:15,822
What the hell
are you doing here?
328
00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:17,590
That's a good question.
329
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:18,591
See, the thing is I...
330
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:19,927
Oh, hey, Charlie.
331
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:22,029
Hi, Myra.
332
00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:23,563
No. No.
I forbid it.
333
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:24,898
Not in my house.
334
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:28,701
What brings you
to the cul-de-sac of the damned?
335
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:30,703
Just in the neighborhood.
336
00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:31,905
That's nice.
337
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:32,906
Come on in.
338
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:35,842
Thanks.
339
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:38,845
I said no! Doesn't anybody
listen to me?!
340
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,180
I'm doing
it! Look!
341
00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:47,154
You know, I really didn't
expect to see you again.
342
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,622
Well, I wasn't
doing anything, so...
343
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:50,890
MYRA:
No, Alan, listen to me.
344
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:53,060
He's here right now!
345
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:55,162
Why would I kid
about that?
346
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,931
I don't know, maybe his
other date didn't work out.
347
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:05,005
Ah, the plot thickens.
348
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,107
(sighs)
Okay, okay, I can explain.
349
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:10,843
No, I can't.
350
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,812
Give it a shot.
351
00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:15,248
Well, um...
352
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:18,685
I was with this girl,
and I suddenly realized
353
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:21,021
that I'd rather be with
someone who I, you know,
354
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,056
actually enjoy being with.
355
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,625
Oh just forget it, Alan;
you're useless.
356
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,894
(hangs up phone)
Herb, do something!
357
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:29,062
Hey.
358
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:32,532
I'm thinking about
going out for ice cream.
359
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,267
Anyone want
to join me?
360
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:38,838
Charlie, when's the last time
you had a cone with sprinkles?
361
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,974
You know what, Herb?
Judith can relax.
362
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,809
I'm gonna check into a hotel.
363
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:43,843
(sighs)
Myra, no.
364
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,512
You don't have to do that.
365
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,147
Yes, she does.
366
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:48,581
Hey, she's my sister!
367
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,083
She can stay as
long as she wants!
368
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,052
I really appreciate this.
369
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:54,187
I'll go get my stuff.
370
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:55,555
Hey, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
371
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:56,956
You don't have
to stay at a hotel.
372
00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:58,158
I got plenty of
room at my place.
373
00:15:58,225 --> 00:15:59,726
Yeah, I'll bet you do.
374
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,161
N-N-No, no, no, no.
375
00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,829
No strings attached.
376
00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:03,830
Really?
377
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:05,798
Really.
378
00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:08,568
Still, I couldn't
impose like that.
379
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:09,302
It's no imposition.
380
00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:10,703
It's a big house.
381
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:11,904
There's plenty of room
for everybody.
382
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,040
You sure?
383
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,774
Absolutely.
384
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:15,975
Okay, then.
385
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,177
I'll be right back.
386
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:18,711
JUDITH:
Herb!
387
00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:22,149
You want to come, too?
388
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:26,919
Are you nuts?
389
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,656
With Myra out of the house,
I might get lucky tonight.
390
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,158
Really?
391
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:32,859
She seems pretty angry.
392
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,894
It's better when she's angry.
393
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,865
Coming, pookie!
394
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,001
* Men...
395
00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:44,971
(toilet flushes)
396
00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:48,708
This just sucks.
397
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:51,778
It's just for a couple of
days till the wedding.
398
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,913
Yeah, but why does she
have to stay in my room?
399
00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:55,882
Because... I don't know.
400
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,650
You're the kid.
401
00:16:57,717 --> 00:16:59,586
Yeah, well, it's not fair.
402
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:01,121
Yeah, well, get over it.
403
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,893
Oh, my God!
404
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:08,095
Jake, that's disgusting.
405
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:09,996
Yeah, well, get over it.
406
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:14,033
Go to sleep.
407
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:19,906
Did you brush
your teeth?
408
00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:22,375
Dad, I'm asleep.
409
00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:24,277
Go brush your teeth.
410
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:26,213
I can't; I don't have
my toothbrush.
411
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,714
Well, go get it.
412
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,015
Man!
413
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:31,718
I have to do everything
around here.
414
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:42,829
Aunt Myra?
415
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,031
I have to get my toothbrush.
416
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,900
Aunt Myra?
417
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,179
Aunt Myra?
418
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:06,953
Huh.
419
00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:09,021
(humming)
420
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,990
Oh.
421
00:18:11,057 --> 00:18:12,992
Huh.
422
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,128
Hi.
423
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,829
Hi.
424
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,666
Is everything okay?
425
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:20,833
Everything's fine.
426
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,802
I just wanted to chat.
427
00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:25,272
Oh. Okay.
428
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:27,674
I can go if you want.
No, no. No.
429
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:28,975
No, this is fine.
430
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,177
So...
431
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:32,011
What's up?
432
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:34,981
Well, we never really talked
about that kiss last night.
433
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,916
Right, right.
434
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:39,018
That was a little
out of character for me.
435
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:42,054
Really? That's not
the word on the street.
436
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,193
Okay, let me explain. Um...
437
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:49,196
With me, kissing is usually
just a prelude to sex,
438
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:52,199
but last night, sex was
the last thing on my mind.
439
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:55,202
Oh, gee, what girl doesn't
like to hear that?
440
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:59,706
No, no. No, wait, let me finish.
441
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:02,175
I kissed you
because I really liked you,
442
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:06,879
and I wanted to express
my... liking of you.
443
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,781
Be still, my
beating heart.
444
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,717
Oh, come on, Myra.
445
00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:12,852
I drove all the way
to Judith's house to see you.
446
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:14,421
And you know what's at Judith's
house?
447
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,723
Judith!
448
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,458
That was very
brave of you.
449
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:20,193
Oh, no, it wasn't
brave, it was...
450
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:24,731
To tell you the truth,
I don't know what it was,
451
00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:27,434
and I'm not really sure
what to do here.
452
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,402
What do you
want to do here?
453
00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:32,272
Let's forget about me
for a second.
454
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:33,340
What about you?
455
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:34,341
What about me?
456
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,175
You kissed first.
457
00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:37,244
Why'd you do that?
458
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,946
Oh, I was plowed.
459
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,748
Really?
460
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:43,182
Oh, come on, you moron.
461
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:44,884
I'm sitting in the
middle of your bed
462
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:48,755
in my sexiest lingerie.
463
00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:50,257
All right.
464
00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:52,525
I'm pretty sure
I know what to do now.
465
00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:57,163
Charlie?
466
00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:58,898
Yeah?
467
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:01,901
I don't want to put any
pressure on you, but...
468
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:04,003
I'm a virgin.
469
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,875
You are?
470
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:12,479
Man, you got to stop
sleeping with dumb girls.
471
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,514
It's rubbing off on you.
472
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,116
* Men...
473
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,155
Aunt Myra's not there.
474
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,991
I'm sure she will be.
475
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,327
She's probably just getting
something in the kitchen.
476
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:31,864
(bedsprings squeaking
rhythmically)
477
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:37,169
That's not the kitchen.
32606
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof