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1
00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:03,371
"Help me out
here, Doc.
2
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:04,705
I need a time of death."
3
00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:06,474
"Sorry, Lieutenant,
but I can't give you
4
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:09,277
"an official T.O.D. until
I get her on the slab.
5
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:12,446
"But based on
hypostatic lividity
6
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:16,350
"and degree of rigor,
I'd say our cheerleader
7
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:19,620
got her pom-poms pierced
right around halftime."
8
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:21,655
Real?
Real.
9
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,426
"Anything else?"
10
00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:28,296
"Left-handed assailant,
used a single-edged blade,
11
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:31,165
multiple entry wounds
and defensive trauma."
12
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:33,234
"So how are we gonna
find this psychopath?"
13
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:34,902
"Well,
like our killer,
14
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:38,706
we'll just have to...
take a stab at it."
15
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,312
That's it.
16
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,282
(light applauding)
17
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,684
So, you think I'll get the part?
18
00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:54,922
Uh, well, I for one
totally buy you
19
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:58,326
as a brilliant forensic
investigator.
20
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:02,196
Thanks, but I believe
it's pronounced "fornesic."
21
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,199
What do you think, Charlie?
22
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,968
Unbelievable.
23
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,670
Aw...
24
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:12,906
I mean... beyond belief.
25
00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:14,375
That's sweet.
26
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:17,311
I mean...
I just don't believe it.
27
00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:18,612
You made your point, Charlie.
28
00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:22,316
Do you like what I did
with the glasses?
29
00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,285
On, smart...
30
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,654
off, hot.
31
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:30,458
My mind is just
completely blown.
32
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,927
So when are you
gonna be on TV?
33
00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:35,896
I have to pass
the audition first.
34
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,832
Let's not put the cart
before the whores.
35
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:41,835
Horse.
36
00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:43,571
(clears throat):
Maybe a little.
37
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,906
I've been rehearsing all day.
38
00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:48,809
(makes exploding noise)
39
00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:51,245
What's the name
of the show?
40
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:52,380
Stiffs.
41
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,382
Stiffs?
42
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:55,949
You know,
like dead bodies.
43
00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:57,751
Oh, right. Sure.
44
00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,920
I know what
you were thinking.
45
00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:03,757
Well, I better go.
46
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:04,992
The audition's at 4:00
47
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,328
and I still have to get
my tan sprayed on.
48
00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:08,529
Best of luck.
49
00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:10,564
It has nothing to do
with luck, Alan.
50
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:11,999
You just have to stand still
51
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:14,034
and keep your eyes
and mouth closed.
52
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:16,036
No, I meant...
53
00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:18,439
Never mind.
54
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,007
Knock 'em dead
at the audition.
Thanks.
55
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:21,975
And thanks for lending me
your chiropractor coat.
56
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:24,578
It makes me feel
like a real doctor.
57
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,447
Now you know why Alan wears it.
58
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,284
Okay, well, uh,
tell me how it goes.
59
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:31,018
I will.
60
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:32,386
Oh, and by the way.
61
00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:34,288
Did you get the divorce papers?
62
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:37,925
Not really, but my lawyer
explained them to me. Bye.
63
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,662
The-They need to be signed.
64
00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:42,963
Kandi?
65
00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:44,532
(engine starts)
66
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:48,436
(vehicle departs)
67
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,170
Hey, what's
your hurry?
68
00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:52,840
If she becomes a big TV star
while you're still married,
69
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,575
she'll have to pay you alimony.
70
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:57,245
Yeah, and if pigs start
flying out of my rear end,
71
00:02:57,311 --> 00:03:00,348
we'll have free bacon
for the rest of our lives.
72
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:06,787
I don't know that
I'd eat that bacon.
73
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:10,057
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
74
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:13,361
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
75
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:16,364
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
76
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,266
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
77
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:21,134
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
78
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:24,204
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
79
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:27,207
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
80
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,251
(knocking)
81
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:47,361
(knocking)
82
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,166
(knocking continues)
83
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,135
Isn't anybody
gonna get that?
84
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:05,479
Jake?
85
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,449
Yeah?
86
00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,584
(knocking)
What are you doing?
87
00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,386
Hanging posters.
88
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,362
Did you consider
using scotch tape?
89
00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:24,231
It doesn't hold as well.
Especially her.
90
00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:26,934
Who is that?
91
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,436
Raven.
92
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:31,271
She's the North American
ladies' wrestling champ.
93
00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:33,341
Aha.
94
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:38,178
All oiled up and
ready to... wrestle.
95
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:41,449
(knocking)
96
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,451
Damn it! This isn't funny!
97
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,489
Quick little bastards.
98
00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:52,360
What happened to your
Harry Potter posters?
99
00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,294
I'm not a kid
anymore, Dad.
100
00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:56,397
You don't have to be a kid
to like Harry Potter.
101
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:58,131
You want it, take it.
102
00:04:58,198 --> 00:05:01,535
Aw, Harry.
You crumpled Harry.
103
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:04,237
You remember when we got this?
No.
104
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,239
Oh, come on, we stood on line
105
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,475
outside that bookstore
at midnight
106
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,510
to get one of
the first copies?
107
00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:11,979
You were dressed as Harry and
I was dressed as Dumbledore.
108
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,381
I don't remember, Dad.
109
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:14,915
Sure you do.
110
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,184
You made fun of that
other kid 'cause he had
111
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:19,286
a flying mop instead
of a broom, and, uh,
112
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:21,589
he started crying and his father
punched me in the chest?
113
00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:25,058
No.
114
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:27,995
Yeah, well, you weren't
the one with the cracked rib.
115
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,664
Anyway, what, uh, what
prompted you to...
116
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,332
redecorate like this?
117
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,035
I don't know, I like
cars and wrestling.
118
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:37,004
And wet T-shirts, apparently.
119
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:40,974
Oh, there is a wet T-shirt
on that-- I hadn't noticed.
120
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:45,446
(knocking)
121
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,080
Ha!
122
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:57,024
Jake's redecorating.
123
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,693
Yeah, I can see that.
124
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,996
Oh, Raven.
125
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,399
Those are fake,
by the way.
126
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:06,434
Charlie!
127
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,268
What? He has
a right to know.
128
00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,404
I'm just glad the little
guy's got me to...
129
00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:11,605
Wait a minute.
130
00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:13,474
Are those nails in my wall?
131
00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,976
Are you out
of your freakin' mind?
132
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,578
No.
133
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:20,247
No? That's your answer? No?
134
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,349
Yeah.
135
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:24,251
Charlie...
Charlie, come on.
136
00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:27,120
For God's sake!
137
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,388
These are railroad spikes!
138
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,491
I'll putty over it.
139
00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:32,225
That's not plaster
board, that's stucco.
140
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:33,727
You can't
just putty stucco.
141
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,162
I know, I'll fix it.
142
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,363
Let's just give
him some privacy.
143
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:37,598
Wait, wait, wait.
144
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,735
At least I can take one
hammer out of his hand.
145
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:45,372
* Men... *
146
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:46,607
ALAN (on TV):
Jake, look at Daddy.
147
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:50,177
Look at Daddy.
Look at Daddy.
148
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,545
Ah, that's my boy.
149
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:52,580
Where's Daddy?
150
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:53,681
Daddy's over here.
151
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,382
Wasn't he adorable?
152
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:57,485
Yeah.
153
00:06:57,551 --> 00:07:00,488
Hey, could you rewind
to Judith breast-feeding him?
154
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:05,493
That was
really adorable.
155
00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:09,463
Especially the part
156
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:11,532
where she does
the old switcheroo.
157
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,369
(baby Jake babbling)
158
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:21,041
I miss that little boy.
159
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:24,612
Seems like only yesterday
I could hold him in one arm.
160
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:28,215
He didn't weigh more
than eight or nine pounds.
161
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:31,018
He craps more than that now.
162
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,525
Where did the time go?
163
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:39,359
His childhood is almost over
164
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:42,462
and there's still so much stuff
I want to do with him.
165
00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:43,664
Like what?
166
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,533
You know,
father-son stuff.
167
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:48,502
Pretty soon, there'll be
no more playing catch
168
00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:50,103
or riding bikes.
169
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,739
Do you realize
I've never even taken him
170
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,642
fishing or camping
or hunting?
171
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:58,111
Do you know how to fish
or camp or hunt?
172
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,581
That's not the point.
173
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:04,251
I-I-I thought
we would learn together.
174
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:05,385
Oh, that sounds good.
175
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:06,787
You and knucklehead
out in the woods
176
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:09,489
taking turns shooting
each other in the ass.
177
00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:17,565
Okay, it's not so much
about hunting, per se.
178
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:20,467
"Per se."
There's an outdoorsy phrase.
179
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,202
It's about bonding.
180
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:23,737
Before you know it,
181
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,406
he'll have no interest in
spending time with me at all.
182
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:29,142
Not unless you grow boobs
and straddle a Harley.
183
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,379
All right, look.
184
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,147
It doesn't help
to whine about it.
185
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,183
If you want
to get lost in the woods
186
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:39,186
with Jerky Gherkinheimer,
go do it.
187
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:42,422
My life is just
one big joke to you, isn't it?
188
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,325
Actually,
it's more of a limerick.
189
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:50,230
There once was a moron named Al,
190
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:52,666
who wanted to camp
with his pal...
191
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:57,738
Any chance you can go
camping in Nantucket?
192
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,614
So, Charlie,
193
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,481
where's the wife and kid?
194
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,785
They went camping to do
some father-son bonding.
195
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:17,124
(thunder booms)
196
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:21,494
(all laughing)
197
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:26,133
(wind whistling)
198
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,168
(thunder rumbling)
199
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:33,506
ALAN:
And when they looked at
the door handle of the car,
200
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:36,610
there was nothing there...
201
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,212
but a hook.
202
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:40,681
A hook?
203
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,916
That makes no sense.
204
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,517
Oh, I left out a part.
205
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,754
Um, uh, okay,
the guy who escaped
206
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,455
from the insane asylum
had lost his hand
207
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,457
in some kind of
an industrial accident.
208
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:53,526
Anyway, they replaced it
with a sharp metal hook.
209
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,530
And it was said hook
that was stuck
210
00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,801
on the aforementioned
door handle.
211
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:06,239
(creepy voice):
Ooh...
212
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,308
Dad, over the past
three birthdays
213
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:11,645
I've gotten $175 in
bookstore gift cards.
214
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:14,614
They're yours
if we can just go home.
215
00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:16,516
No, no, we're having fun.
216
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,819
Hey, I know--
we'll sing a song.
217
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:23,323
* On top of spaghetti
218
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,358
* All covered with cheese
219
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,294
Come on, you used
to love this one.
220
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,463
* I lost my poor meatball
221
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,766
* When somebody sneezed
222
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,567
(thunder booms)
223
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:38,305
* It rolled off the table
224
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:41,408
* And... onto the floor
225
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,843
Come on!
226
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:46,213
* And then my poor meatball
227
00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:48,849
* Rolled right out the door.
228
00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:50,784
* Men... *
229
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,229
Dad...
230
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:03,163
Yeah, buddy?
231
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,865
Bite me.
232
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,336
You'll see.
233
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:11,972
Someday you and and I will look
back on this weekend
234
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,975
and laugh and laugh...
235
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:21,048
I didn't say someday soon.
236
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:24,852
Hey, come on.
237
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,720
I thought you liked
wet T-shirts.
238
00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,231
Hey.
239
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:41,201
Hey.
240
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,038
Shut up.
241
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,207
Oh, come on, Alan.
242
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:50,077
We both know
I can't do that.
243
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,711
What do you want
me to say,
244
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,013
that it was a bad idea?
245
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,848
Okay, it was a bad idea.
246
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,785
And the only thing we bonded
over was our mutual discomfort
247
00:11:57,851 --> 00:12:00,754
with pooping into a coffee can.
248
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:03,056
It wasn't Chock Full O' Nuts,
was it?
249
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,796
Sorry, sorry. Where's Jake?
250
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:12,900
He went back to his friends
in Hooterville.
251
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,837
Well, I can't blame him.
252
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:20,340
It never rains
in Hooterville.
253
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:23,243
Look, Alan, seriously,
254
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:24,878
I'm, I'm sorry
it didn't work out.
255
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:26,079
I know your heart
was in the right place.
256
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:27,781
Thank you.
257
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:30,884
Now, I finished the limerick.
You want to hear it?
258
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:34,654
Too soon?
259
00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:36,356
You don't get it.
260
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,658
You don't understand
what it's like
261
00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,293
to be a little boy's
best friend,
262
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,797
to be someone he looks up to,
and then one day you turn around
263
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:46,699
and the only person he looks up
to is covered with baby oil
264
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:47,968
and nailed to the ceiling.
265
00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:49,903
Count your blessings.
266
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,704
There's all kinds of pictures
that could have been up there.
267
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,973
Yeah, I guess.
268
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,875
It could have been
the Moscow Ballet.
269
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:58,311
I got it. Still,
270
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,713
I can't help but feel
a little empty inside,
271
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,817
like, like a chapter
of my life is over.
272
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:06,920
So? You've still got plenty
to look forward to.
273
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:10,690
You mean, besides work,
loneliness and death?
274
00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,125
Absolutely.
275
00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:17,831
There's memory loss...
276
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:22,335
impotence, adult diapers.
277
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,473
I'm all you've got, pal.
278
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:32,212
That's true.
279
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:35,748
My wives are gone,
my son is grown,
280
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,852
but I'll always have you...
281
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:41,889
my brother.
282
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,894
Forever.
283
00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:54,167
Okay, now, I was just having
fun, but that was mean.
284
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,335
* Men.
285
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,872
Well, when will he be back?
286
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:02,475
All right,
tell him I called again.
287
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:03,376
Boy, some agent.
288
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,344
He never calls,
289
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:05,845
he never returns my calls.
290
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:09,116
I'm almost sorry
I let him feel me up.
291
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,953
I guess that's showbiz.
292
00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:15,355
That's what he said.
293
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,290
Uh, listen, Kandi...
294
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,759
I really thought they liked me
at that audition.
295
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,895
They had me read three times,
and then all the jumping jacks.
296
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:22,996
Jumping jacks?
297
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:24,764
It's an action series, Alan.
298
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,766
They need to know that I'm fit.
299
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:31,104
Ah. Uh, listen, Kandi,
there's something I wanted
300
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:32,472
to talk to you about.
301
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,007
If it's about
the divorce papers
302
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,242
I haven't signed
them yet.
303
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,310
No, no, that's not
why I'm here.
304
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,113
Um, sweetie, do you remember
why we split up?
305
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,214
The big reason or all
the little reasons?
306
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:43,083
The big one.
307
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:44,551
'Cause there were
a lot of little
reasons, Alan.
308
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:46,119
I know.
309
00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:47,254
Like the way your toenails
grow all crazy.
310
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,555
Right.
311
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,323
And your ear hair
and your nose hair.
312
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,891
Got it.
313
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:55,362
And that one long hair
on your back, yuck!
314
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:56,563
Wait, forget
the little reasons.
315
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:58,365
Just, just the big one.
316
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,900
Yeah, you didn't want
to have a baby, and I did.
317
00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:05,505
Right. Well, what would you say
if I were to tell you that
318
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:08,841
I've changed my mind about that?
319
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,478
Really?
320
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:15,515
Yeah, I've just been thinking
that Jake is almost grown
321
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:18,986
and there's still a lot of daddy
left in me.
322
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:22,355
So you want to have a baby?
323
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,024
Yes, I do.
324
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:26,994
A fresh start,
a-a-a new chapter.
325
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,362
Wow, that's a big step.
326
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,331
Yeah, I know.
I know it is.
327
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:33,000
So if you want
to think about it...
328
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,567
No, that's okay.
Let's make a baby.
329
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,203
Just like that?
330
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,271
Don't you want to talk
about it some more?
331
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:40,307
Alan, it's practically
all we talked about
332
00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:41,908
our entire marriage.
333
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:44,577
Baby, baby, toenails,
baby, ear hair, baby,
334
00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:47,981
how clocks work, baby.
335
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:50,017
(chuckles)
336
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,085
So... so you really
want to do this?
337
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:54,287
Do what?
338
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,326
You see, if you use tape,
339
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,261
it's much easier
to rotate in new posters
340
00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:03,563
when these ones
stop working for you.
341
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,566
I don't think
that's gonna happen.
342
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,269
Trust me. After a while,
these beautiful eyes
343
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:12,172
are gonna be filled
with judgment and condemnation.
344
00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:14,007
What are you talking about?
345
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:18,378
Okay, maybe that was just me.
346
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:21,048
Anyway, you're lucky
347
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:22,582
your dad lets you hang
posters like this.
348
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,084
I guess.
349
00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:25,385
Does your mother let you?
350
00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:26,586
No way.
351
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,088
So what do you got
at her house,
352
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:29,556
a secret stash
of magazines?
353
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:33,560
Just one. Playboy 1998,
the Christmas issue.
354
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,595
God bless Hugh Hefner, huh?
355
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:38,598
God bless Kimberly Macadoo
from Portland, Oregon
356
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,667
born March 4, 1979.
357
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,569
Turn-ons:
sunshine and goatees.
358
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:45,472
Turn-offs:
judgmental people and war.
359
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,408
Gotta love a chick
who doesn't like war.
360
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:51,178
Tape me.
361
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:54,247
Hey, Uncle Charlie,
could you do me a favor?
362
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:57,384
If it's the favor I'm thinking
of, not until you're 18
363
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,386
and not in my house.
364
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:00,387
What?
365
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:01,221
Nothing, nothing.
366
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:02,689
What do you need?
367
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:05,592
Could you get my dad
to lay off the father-son stuff?
368
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:06,993
It's kinda lame.
369
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,129
Lame? You think it's lame
370
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,663
your father cares
so much about you
371
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:13,166
he wants nothing more
than to be part of your life?
372
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:15,602
Yeah.
373
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:18,238
Look, you gotta understand
374
00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:19,472
what your father's going
through.
375
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:20,673
What do you mean?
376
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:24,677
Okay, here's the deal.
377
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:28,715
Your father has reached
a very difficult age.
378
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,583
It's confusing
and a little bit
scary for him.
379
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,152
Scary how?
380
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,487
Well, first of all,
his body's changing.
381
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,389
Really?
382
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:39,726
Oh, yeah. Hair is growing
where it's never grown before.
383
00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:42,629
That is scary.
384
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:45,031
And then there's
the hormones.
Hormones?
385
00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:48,601
Yep, your father
is running out of them.
386
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,703
Sounds bad.
387
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:53,640
No, no, it's just a
perfectly natural part
388
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:54,674
of growing old, Jake.
389
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:55,675
Is it happening to you?
390
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:58,145
No, no, no.
391
00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:03,183
My point is that your father
is going through this phase
392
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,485
and you have to be patient
and understanding.
393
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:08,020
So he's gonna want
to go camping again?
394
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:12,091
Probably not in this lifetime.
395
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:15,728
But you might have to play
catch with him or something.
396
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,464
Guess I could do that.
397
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,366
Atta boy.
398
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:22,435
All right, well, I'm glad
we had this little talk.
399
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:25,205
Now I'm gonna go get hammered.
400
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:45,658
(English accent):
Hello, ladies, I'm Harry Potter.
401
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,696
* Men.
402
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,464
Is there anything special
we have to do?
403
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,466
Oh, no, no.
It's just like
regular sex,
404
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,402
but without all the
last-minute fumbling
for a condom.
405
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,104
Oh, okay, but I still
get all the rest
406
00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,706
of the fumbling, right?
407
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:02,642
I prefer to call
that "foreplay."
408
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,744
(phone rings)
409
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:05,778
Hold on.
410
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:09,048
Hello.
411
00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,149
This is she.
412
00:19:10,217 --> 00:19:11,818
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
413
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,586
Hold on a sec.
414
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,625
Here, we're divorced.
415
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:21,428
Okay, I'm back.
You were saying?
416
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,264
Really?
I got the part?
417
00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,299
Thank you so much.
418
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,701
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
419
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:31,504
Alan, I got the part.
420
00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,273
Oh, that's terrific.
Congratulations.
421
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,674
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
422
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,376
Put that thing away.
423
00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:38,144
But I-I thought...
424
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:40,112
Oh, please, nobody wants
425
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,648
to see a pregnant
fornesic investigator.
426
00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:49,656
Hey, can we still do it
with a condom?
427
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,090
* Men.
428
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,598
(sportscast playing)
429
00:19:58,665 --> 00:19:59,766
It's dark out.
430
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,368
Okay.
431
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,735
I tried.
432
00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:06,973
Help me out here, Doc.
433
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,075
I need a time of death
for our little cheerleader.
434
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:10,943
I can't give you
an official T.O.D.
435
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,745
until I get her on the slab.
436
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:15,315
But based on hypostatic
lividity and degree of rigor,
437
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,817
I'd say our cheerleader
got her pom-poms pierced
438
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:18,851
right around halftime.
439
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,520
Anything else?
440
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:22,789
Left-handed assailant,
used a single-edge blade,
441
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:25,558
multiple entry wounds
and defensive trauma.
442
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,994
So how are we gonna find
this psychopath?
443
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:32,799
Well, like our killer, we'll
just have to take a stab at it.
444
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:38,605
* Mama's got a squeezebox,
Daddy never sleeps at night *
445
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,643
Unbelievable.
446
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,712
Yeah.
447
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,714
They're real, you know.
448
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:54,987
I know, I was married to her.
449
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:57,056
Oh, yeah.
450
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:58,090
Dawg!
451
00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:10,637
You know what?
I'll be in my room.
452
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,549
When are you guys
going fishing?
31074
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