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1
00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:07,741
Morning, Charlie.
2
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,079
Charlie.
3
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:21,089
Good, I don't have to give him
mouth-to-mouth.
4
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:21,822
Morning.
5
00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:22,856
Morning.
6
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:24,158
He sleeping?
7
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,693
Sure, let's call it sleep.
8
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:31,199
Uncle Charlie, I'm gonna have
a bowl of Maple Loops.
9
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,833
You want one?
10
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:45,346
You sure he's okay?
11
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,615
I never said
he was okay.
12
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,158
Freaky.
13
00:00:57,225 --> 00:01:00,161
You really shouldn't
see him like this, Jake.
14
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:09,570
There. Now you can
enjoy your breakfast.
15
00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:11,305
What's wrong with him?
16
00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:13,674
Oh, he's getting old, kiddo.
17
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:16,444
I wish you could've
seen him in his prime.
18
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:17,845
He was like Babe Ruth.
19
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,413
He played baseball?
20
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:23,251
No, he was a drunken
whore-monger.
21
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:25,219
But there was none better.
22
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,157
Oh, God, look what the cat
dragged in.
23
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,859
He didn't just drag it,
he ate it, pooped it out
24
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,827
and then covered it with sand.
25
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,330
You know what'd be funny?
26
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,232
To paint a big mustache on him.
27
00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:39,600
(chuckles)
28
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,235
That would be hilarious...
29
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:42,803
but no.
30
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,206
Charlie?
31
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,908
Charlie?
32
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,877
Yeah?
33
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,845
You okay?
34
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:53,814
Yeah.
35
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,184
What time did
you get home?
36
00:01:56,250 --> 00:02:00,788
I'm home?
37
00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:03,524
You are.
38
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:06,460
Oh, God, I'm blind.
39
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,668
It's a miracle.
40
00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:17,638
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
41
00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:21,209
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
42
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:23,944
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
43
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,846
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
44
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:28,649
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
45
00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:32,653
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
46
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,956
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
47
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:45,499
Good night, Berta.
48
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:47,668
Hey.
49
00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:54,542
Look who's finally up.
50
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:55,743
How'd you sleep?
51
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:59,213
Okay, I guess.
52
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,382
Good, I'm glad.
53
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,354
Oh, Tater Tots.
54
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:07,788
Help yourself.
55
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:11,592
Jake, I said no.
56
00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:12,793
I didn't do it.
57
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,528
He didn't.
58
00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:21,869
(coughing)
59
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,671
(clears throat)
60
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,652
What are you staring at?
61
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,355
Nothing, señor.
62
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,493
So, uh, how are you feeling?
63
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:46,794
Depends.
64
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:48,529
What day is it?
65
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,698
Saturday.
66
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:51,765
Oh.
67
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,734
Well, in that case I feel great.
68
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,336
Why "in that case"?
69
00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:58,406
If it was Thursday,
I'd be a little worried.
70
00:03:58,472 --> 00:03:59,773
I don't know, Charlie,
71
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:00,674
you've been pushing it
pretty hard lately.
72
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:01,775
What do you mean?
73
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,311
I mean you're not a kid anymore.
74
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:04,712
Oh, please.
75
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,347
I'm in the best shape
of my life.
76
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:09,750
(coughing)
77
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,552
(phlegmatic coughing)
78
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,723
Now, that doesn't belong
inside of me.
79
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:19,460
It takes a lot to gross me out,
but wow.
80
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,330
Hey, get your stuff together.
81
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,331
I'm going to bring you
back to your mom's.
82
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:24,765
Let me tell you something, Alan.
83
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:27,368
You're only as young
as the women you feel.
84
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:32,540
And lately,
I've been feeling about 24.
85
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:33,874
Twenty-four?
86
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,809
Yep, and she doesn't think
I'm old.
87
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,478
She thinks I'm cute and fun.
88
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:38,512
And rich.
89
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:39,547
Yeah, the rich helps.
90
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,248
I'm not that cute.
91
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,750
Okay, fine.
92
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:45,753
I understand the allure,
the nectar of the young berry.
93
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:49,222
But I also know what happens
94
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,324
when you burn a candle
at both ends.
95
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,925
How would you know that?
96
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:54,862
Did you take a candle-making
class at the Learning Annex?
97
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:57,865
Hey, I have done my share
of walking on the wild side.
98
00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,633
The wild side?
99
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,703
Okay, the rambunctious side.
100
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,838
My point is there comes a time
in a man's life
101
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,707
when he has to start accepting
his limitations.
102
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:10,611
Yeah, well, my point is the day
you start accepting limitations
103
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:12,380
is the day you start dying.
104
00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,248
And I'm not dying, my friend;
105
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,485
I am living life to the fullest.
106
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:20,821
Now, if you'll excuse me,
107
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:22,856
I'm gonna go throw
up and take a nap.
108
00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:27,628
* Men...
109
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,564
That was fun!
110
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:33,333
Yeah.
111
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:34,968
How long until
you're ready to go again?
112
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,405
You mean tonight?
113
00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:38,906
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
114
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,608
You're old.
115
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,976
Hey, hey, hey, I'm not old.
116
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,913
I'm just not a...
yogurt dispenser.
117
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,981
You're almost
as old as my dad.
118
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,784
All right, listen,
if you're looking to go again,
119
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,853
that's not the way
to get there.
120
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,689
Aw, did I hurt your feelings?
121
00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,290
No, no, you didn't hurt
my feelings.
122
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,726
It's just, you know,
there are certain
123
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,894
biological factors
you have to take into account...
124
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,063
Yeah, my dad takes Viagra.
125
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:07,367
Good for him.
126
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,769
All I'm saying is
127
00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,303
we could do something else
for a while
128
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,672
and then come back to this.
129
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:12,840
Great, let's go to a club.
130
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,041
Now?
131
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,609
It's 11:00.
132
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,711
So we'll get there early.
133
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:20,814
Actually, I was thinking more
along the lines of
134
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:24,818
making some toaster pizzas
and watching The Daily Show.
135
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,820
Oh.
136
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:27,755
What?
137
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,990
I'm bored.
138
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:33,794
If we're not gonna have sex,
I want to go out.
139
00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:36,530
Okay, tell you what,
why don't you go out
140
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:39,700
and, you know,
boogie-oogie-oogie,
141
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,570
and when you come back,
wake me up and we'll have sex.
142
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,972
That's a lame idea, Charlie.
143
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,675
Okay, you can skip
the waking me up part.
144
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,677
I'm just gonna go
call some friends.
145
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:50,578
No, no, wait, wait.
146
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:51,745
Come here, come here.
147
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:53,714
I think I'm ready
to go again.
148
00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:55,583
Really?
Really.
149
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,125
I got nothing--
let's go dancing.
150
00:07:05,993 --> 00:07:07,861
* Men...
151
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,964
Yeah, I'm coming with the guy
I told you about, the old guy.
152
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,502
I don't know.
153
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:17,505
I think he's got a little
brother who's old, too.
154
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:18,639
I'll ask him.
155
00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,508
Great, we'll see you there.
156
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,442
Hey, do you think your brother
would want to come with us?
157
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:23,376
Alan?
158
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,878
No, he's not the type.
159
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,114
He'd be miserable going to
a dance club at this hour.
160
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,381
Wait here, I'll go get him.
161
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,019
(laughing)
162
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,022
Hey.
Oh, you just missed it.
163
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:38,526
Jon Stewart made a very clever
joke about the budget deficit.
164
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,827
Swell.
165
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,662
Get dressed,
we're going dancing.
166
00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:42,763
Yeah, right.
167
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,064
Toaster pizza?
168
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:46,066
No, come on, let's go.
169
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,401
You're serious?
Yes.
170
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,739
But it's after 11:00,
and I'm all tucked in.
171
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:52,840
Too bad.
172
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,543
I'm drinking nighty-night tea.
173
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,811
Come on, Robin
wants to go dancing,
174
00:07:57,878 --> 00:07:59,647
and I'm gonna need
a designated driver.
175
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,749
Hey, just 'cause you're
making a fool of yourself
176
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,517
trying to keep up
with a 24-year-old girl,
177
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:04,818
doesn't mean I have to join you.
178
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,787
She has a 24-year-old
girlfriend.
179
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:08,756
Is it dressy-dressy
or dressy-casual?
180
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,827
* Men...
181
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:15,796
Just take it.
182
00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:17,497
Maybe it'll
loosen you up.
183
00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:19,867
I don't think so.
184
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,702
Recent studies
indicate that ecstasy
185
00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:23,436
may well deplete
your spinal fluid.
186
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,739
Yeah, so?
187
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:26,840
So?
188
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,041
Young lady,
I am a chiropractor.
189
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:30,811
Whoo.
190
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,580
You know what,
191
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,548
my date isn't working out.
192
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,049
Well, maybe
you'd get somewhere
193
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,018
if you stopped talking to her
like you're her father.
194
00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:39,953
Well, somebody has to,
because her real father
195
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,188
has obviously
dropped the ball.
196
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,559
Oh, wonderful, a smoker.
197
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,628
So I guess you're counting on
stem cell research
198
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,930
to replace your spine
and lungs.
199
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:55,035
Alan, Alan,
you're embarrassing me.
200
00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:57,204
I'm embarrassing you?
Look at yourself.
201
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:59,172
You're standing in
line in a dank alley
202
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,174
in the middle of
the Urine District.
203
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,844
Hey, this is the hippest
club in town.
204
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:06,880
Oh, hip, schmip-- it's
a toilet with a doorman.
205
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:11,151
Somebody lit a doobie.
206
00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:13,854
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
207
00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,255
that is definitely
the ganja.
208
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:18,859
Great, now we're all
gonna get busted.
209
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:21,929
Will you just relax
and let yourself have some fun?
210
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,831
Oh, this is fun for you?
211
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,733
Exhaust fumes
and reefer smoke?
212
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:26,767
Let me tell you
something, Charlie.
213
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:27,868
I'm not a kid anymore.
214
00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:29,102
I need plenty of
rest, exercise
215
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,138
and a high-fiber
diet, and...
216
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,641
Oh, perfect, I just
stepped on a condom.
217
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,042
(techno music blasting)
218
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,711
Go ahead,
have a good time.
219
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:38,812
Hold it.
220
00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,280
We're with them.
221
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:41,815
I don't think so.
222
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:43,851
No, no, we are.
Although truth be told,
223
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,886
I don't see a long-term
relationship in the offing.
224
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,087
You understand.
225
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,956
Don't touch the rope.
226
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,691
Sorry.
227
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:53,560
I didn't realize you
were king of the rope.
228
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,863
(softly):
Shut up, Alan.
229
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,197
Look, if you're not
on the list,
230
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,265
you're not getting in.
231
00:09:58,331 --> 00:09:59,633
You let the girls in.
232
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,702
Alan.
He let the girls in.
233
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:04,604
That's because pretty girls
dress up the place.
234
00:10:04,672 --> 00:10:05,806
Watch how this works.
235
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:08,642
Listen...
236
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:11,812
why don't you check
your list for Jackson.
237
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:14,715
Andrew Jackson.
238
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:17,250
Nope.
239
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,887
Got Tito and LaToya.
240
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,990
Okay.
241
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:27,828
What if I change
my name to...
242
00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:29,697
Ulysses S. Grant?
243
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:33,100
You can change your name
to Condoleezza Rice.
244
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,202
If you're not on the list
and you're not a celebrity,
245
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,738
you're not getting in.
246
00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,139
All right, look,
247
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:40,808
I didn't want to have
to play this card,
248
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:41,842
but I'm Charlie Harper.
249
00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:42,843
I'm in the music business.
250
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,179
I wrote
the Maple Loops jingle.
251
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:49,717
Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets?
252
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,151
Oh, I love those cookies.
253
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:51,952
Great.
254
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:52,986
You got any on you?
255
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,322
No.
Beat it.
256
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,591
Charlie, let me
handle this.
257
00:10:58,658 --> 00:10:59,893
Sir...
258
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:05,098
I am Matthew Broderick.
259
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,734
Who?
260
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,869
Bruno, they're with me.
261
00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:10,270
Are you sure?
262
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:12,272
This is a good chance
to cut 'em loose.
263
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:13,841
Guys, come on.
264
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,614
Matthew Broderick
is a gifted actor
265
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,817
and the toast of Broadway.
266
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,762
Oh, for God's sake, will
you stop complaining?
267
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:36,429
Well, I'm sorry, but
the music in that club
268
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,298
was so loud, my ears
are still ringing.
269
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,301
* Ah...
270
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,136
You know what
that sound is?
271
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,705
That is the sound of the little
hairs in my middle ear dying.
272
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:48,776
* Ah...
273
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:51,344
I am talking permanent
hearing loss, Charlie.
274
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,813
Those little hairs
don't grow back.
275
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,681
* Ah...
276
00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:56,784
Oh, wait, let's
see something.
277
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,053
* Ah...
278
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,056
(playing notes)
279
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:06,526
* Ah.... C-Sharp...
280
00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:10,397
* C-Sharp is the sound
of encroaching deafness. *
281
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,699
Listen to you;
you're like an old man.
282
00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:14,567
I can't listen to me.
283
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:15,803
All I hear is... * Ah...
284
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,808
Worst night of my life.
285
00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:22,810
You're just ticked off
because you couldn't keep up.
286
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,377
I couldn't keep up?
287
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,479
I was out on the dance floor
with the girls
288
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:27,747
while you were sleeping
in the booth.
289
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,217
I wasn't sleeping.
290
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,119
I was closing my eyes,
291
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,621
because I couldn't bear
to watch you do this.
292
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:40,127
I was voguing.
293
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:44,664
You were napping.
294
00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:46,699
Nobody vogues anymore, Alan.
295
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,401
And guess what?
296
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:51,104
Nobody does the robot
anymore, either.
297
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:53,140
Oh, yeah?
298
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:54,875
Then why did it catch on
with the other dancers?
299
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,643
It didn't catch on.
300
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:58,645
They were openly mocking you.
301
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,680
What do you want from me?
302
00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:02,782
I went out to the club,
I went to the after-hours club,
303
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,351
I went out to breakfast,
304
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:05,785
I held my date's hair
305
00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:08,521
while she vomited pancakes
in the parking lot.
306
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:11,524
Well, if you weren't whining
about wanting to go home,
307
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,626
you'd be having sex
with her right now.
308
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:17,597
Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream
of kissing second-hand pancakes?
309
00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:21,634
And I have to go to work.
310
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:22,769
You know what?
311
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,804
You are a fuddy-duddy.
312
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:26,806
I'm... I'm a fuddy-duddy?
313
00:13:26,874 --> 00:13:29,576
Hey, if the orthopedic shoe
fits, wear it.
314
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,711
They are not orthopedic.
315
00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:35,415
They merely have a reinforced
arch for the active lifestyle.
316
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,718
And you were napping.
317
00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:40,787
Okay, maybe I needed
a little shut-eye.
318
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:44,424
But that's only because
I had vigorous sex earlier.
319
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:45,859
Oh, let's face it.
320
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:47,928
We're both too old
for the MTV lifestyle.
321
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:49,696
MTV?
322
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:51,331
Did they just defrost you?
323
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:56,836
Okay... MTV, VH-1,
whatever the kids are watching.
324
00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,738
My point is,
325
00:13:58,805 --> 00:14:00,673
I am comfortable
acting my age,
326
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,209
while you are in deep denial.
327
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:05,445
Hey, hey, I am not in denial
about anything.
328
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,680
I am a young, vibrant man
in the prime of my life.
329
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:08,815
I-- (coughs)
330
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:14,421
(spits)
331
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,324
What?
332
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,692
Young people have phlegm, too.
333
00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,528
Sure.
334
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:22,829
Anyway...
335
00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,898
as I was...
336
00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:27,834
Oh, God.
337
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,669
What's the matter?
338
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,905
My chest.
339
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:33,773
Are you okay?
340
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,243
I don't know...
341
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:37,244
Hey, Alan...
342
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:38,711
Yeah?
343
00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:42,749
Do you think it's too late
to start jogging?
344
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,754
ALAN:
Damn it, what kind
of hospital is this?!
345
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,422
Where the hell
are the doctors?
346
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:50,557
That's my brother
in there!
347
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,325
If he dies,
I'm homeless!
348
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:00,267
Uh, everything's fine.
349
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,902
They're just going
to run some tests.
350
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,471
Not to worry.
351
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:06,473
Easy for you to say.
352
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:09,442
Listen, Alan,
if I don't make it,
353
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:11,644
you need to know
about my will.
354
00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:13,580
Hey, I don't want to hear
that kind of talk.
355
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:14,747
You're going
to make it.
356
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:19,652
But go on, finish
what you were saying.
357
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:21,989
First of all,
358
00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:24,457
I left the house
to you and Jake.
359
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,026
Yes!
360
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:30,397
You're going to make it.
361
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,935
Just so you know,
there's two mortgages on it
362
00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:38,838
and the property taxes
are $50,000 a year.
363
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,874
Really? $50,000?
364
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,812
(whistles)
365
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,514
Uh, excuse me.
366
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,352
Do you got to flat line
367
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:53,786
to get a little help
around here?!
368
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:56,990
Do you got to move
369
00:15:57,057 --> 00:16:00,293
to Canada to get some
decent medical care?!
370
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,695
Uh, they'll be right here.
371
00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:06,533
So, uh... 50 grand, huh?
372
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:08,435
Boy, I don't know...
373
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,637
how I could afford that.
374
00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:12,872
You know, unless I came
into some money, you know.
375
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:15,675
An inheritance or something.
376
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:16,809
There's no money, Alan.
377
00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:18,711
None?
378
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,713
The whole thing's
a house of cards.
379
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:24,417
Huh.
380
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,092
Okay, I did not want
to have to do this.
381
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,027
But I am Matthew Broderick.
382
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:37,697
And that is my brother
lying there.
383
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,732
MAN:
I'm so sorry,
Mr. Broderick.
384
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:41,801
I loved you
in The Producers.
385
00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:42,969
Thank you.
386
00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:47,640
Okay, let's have
a look-see, huh?
387
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,042
According to your tests,
388
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:51,010
you just had an acute
attack of indigestion.
389
00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:53,346
(sighs)
390
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:54,981
It was gas?
391
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:58,051
Yes, a big bubble,
about the size
of a pomegranate.
392
00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:00,587
What have you had
to eat recently?
393
00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,021
Nothing much.
394
00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:04,957
He had Belgian waffles,
link sausages, two Red Bulls,
395
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,726
a quart of scotch
396
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:08,128
and the tongue of
a 24-year-old actress.
397
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,063
He asked what I ate, Alan.
398
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:11,998
And I told him, Charlie.
399
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,902
Oh-ho, you're
a dirty bird.
400
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,072
Well, the good
news is that you
401
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,040
are a perfectly healthy
50-year-old man.
402
00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:22,842
I'm only 40.
403
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,977
Tell that to
your liver.
404
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,515
I recommend you
slow down a bit.
405
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:29,882
I've been saying
the same thing.
406
00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:31,584
And you...
407
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:34,554
Why no sequel to
Ferris Bueller, huh?
408
00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,723
I wait and I wait.
409
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,791
I'm sorry;
I'll get on it.
410
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:40,960
Ah. Give the people
what they want.
411
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:47,834
So, gas.
412
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,402
(laughs)
413
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:50,970
Good news, huh?
414
00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:54,040
A little embarrassing, but yeah.
415
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,775
What do you have
to be embarrassed about?
416
00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:59,679
Oh, I don't know-- the
paramedics, the ambulance,
417
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:02,915
the crying and the last-minute
negotiations with God.
418
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,651
Oh, right.
419
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:06,686
Are you still planning
on teaching piano to orphans?
420
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:09,456
If any show up, sure.
421
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,858
Well, will you at least
accept the fact
422
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,025
that you have to slow down?
423
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:16,829
Yeah, yeah.
424
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:20,099
It's weird, Alan.
425
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:24,637
It seems like just yesterday I
could... I could party all night
426
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:27,707
and eat and drink
anything I wanted to.
427
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,709
Now a couple of Red Bulls
and a waffle,
428
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,179
and I'm sitting in the emergency
room praying for a fart.
429
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:40,086
Now you know why I ordered
tomato juice and cottage cheese.
430
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:43,156
I got to admit, you do
take good care of yourself.
431
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:44,724
I try.
432
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:47,026
I guess that's why
I keep you around.
433
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,095
Because I'm a good example?
434
00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:51,598
No, you clod,
spare parts.
435
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,701
* Men...
436
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:57,870
What are we watching?
437
00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:00,840
Antiques Roadshow.
438
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,209
This woman thinks she has
439
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:03,876
Martha Washington's
butter churn.
440
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,114
Toaster pizza?
441
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,683
Thank you.
442
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:11,884
So, you going
out tonight?
443
00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:13,720
Eh, what's the point?
444
00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:16,723
Look, Charlie, I'm glad
you're slowing down a bit,
445
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:19,692
but you haven't been out
of the house in a week.
446
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,028
Eh, it's too depressing.
447
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:24,764
Wherever I go,
I'm the oldest guy in the room.
448
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,966
Even here.
449
00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:33,940
Hey, what would you think
about getting a cat?
450
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,577
Okay, that's it.
451
00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:39,579
Put some clothes on.
We're going out.
452
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:40,880
It's 9:00.
453
00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:42,815
I was going to make
some kettle corn.
454
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:45,218
Forget the corn;
you're coming with me.
455
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:46,686
Where are we going?
456
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:48,655
You'll see.
457
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,790
Can you drive?
458
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,859
I don't like to drive
at night.
459
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,830
What the hell is
this place?
460
00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:58,698
The fountain of youth.
461
00:19:58,765 --> 00:19:59,766
What?
462
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:00,867
Follow me.
463
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:09,776
Ooh, look, young stuff.
464
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:14,013
Alan, you're a genius.
465
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,058
Sure.
466
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,360
How old are you?
467
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:28,528
I just turned 40.
468
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:32,399
Oh, you're a baby.
469
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:36,903
Yeah.
470
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:39,105
Hey, I have a little
riddle for you.
471
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:40,239
All right.
472
00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:44,344
What has multiple
orgasms and hums?
473
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,313
I give up.
474
00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:51,884
(humming)
475
00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:56,222
Come on, I'll show you.
476
00:20:58,591 --> 00:20:59,859
Alan...
477
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,328
Alan, I'm leaving.
478
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,332
And may God bless you.
31936
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