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We are often told
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00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:41,250
that happily-ever-afters
exist only in the pages of fairy tales
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00:00:41,410 --> 00:00:44,920
and in the naive minds
of sheltered innocents.
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00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:49,130
And yet, on this bright,
sunny, Boston afternoon,
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00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:53,260
a talking teddy bear is about
to marry his girlfriend,
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00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:55,180
proving two things.
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00:00:55,340 --> 00:00:58,470
Happy endings can come true for anyone.
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And America doesn't give
a shit about anything.
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00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,640
Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
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take this teddy bear to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
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I do.
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And do you, Ted,
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00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,780
take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
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Fuckin' A right, I do!
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Then, by the power vested in me,
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I now pronounce you husband and wife.
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You may kiss the bear.
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00:02:15,010 --> 00:02:17,260
Thank you, folks. We're
going to take a short break
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00:02:17,380 --> 00:02:20,340
and pass things over to DJ Nightshade.
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00:02:24,890 --> 00:02:27,600
Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!
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Teddy, this is the best day of my life!
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I just love you so much.
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00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,070
I love you, too, baby.
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00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,870
I'm gonna go fifty shades
of bear on you tonight.
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00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,160
Let's go get shit-faced!
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00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:47,410
Okay!
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00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:50,750
Thank you.
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00:02:55,090 --> 00:02:57,260
Hey, congrats, you mofos.
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00:02:57,420 --> 00:02:58,420
Oh, hey, Guy.
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00:02:58,550 --> 00:03:00,090
Beautiful ceremony.
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00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:02,390
Oh. Thank you so much
for being a part of it.
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00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,140
Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick.
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00:03:04,390 --> 00:03:05,390
How you doing?
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00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:06,560
Good, good.
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00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,560
He's a gourmet chef.
So he knows how to toss a salad.
36
00:03:15,270 --> 00:03:17,570
Rick and I are actually
about to tie the knot.
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00:03:17,820 --> 00:03:19,610
Oh, you guys are getting married?
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00:03:19,740 --> 00:03:21,610
No, we're just gonna go home
and tie our dicks together.
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00:03:21,740 --> 00:03:23,120
- Ha! Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
40
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,490
Deal.
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00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:30,460
No! No!
I said no Electric Slide.
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00:03:31,750 --> 00:03:33,750
God damn it, you will not wreck this night
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00:03:33,830 --> 00:03:36,000
with your forced white people group fun.
44
00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:48,270
Hey, buddy.
You okay, there?
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00:03:48,430 --> 00:03:49,730
You look a little down.
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00:03:49,810 --> 00:03:52,480
Are you still shaking off that
hangover from the bachelor party?
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00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:54,360
- Oh!
- That's nice.
48
00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,480
Oh, my God. She's fucking begging for it!
49
00:03:56,650 --> 00:03:59,440
She's totally begging.
Get it. Get in there.
50
00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:01,610
Look at her.
She wants it bad!
51
00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:02,820
Oh, yeah.
She wants more
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00:04:02,950 --> 00:04:05,160
than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
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00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,330
That's bigger than the average
bear right there, I tell you.
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00:04:08,490 --> 00:04:11,120
You know what's fucked up?
Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter!
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00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,710
Oh, shit!
Jesus! Come on!
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00:04:13,830 --> 00:04:16,790
You know what, Johnny?
It's entirely possible it's his daughter.
57
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:17,960
That's how it works out there.
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00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:22,340
I'm fine. I was thinking about Lori.
59
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:25,090
Oh, Johnny, come on, man.
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00:04:25,180 --> 00:04:27,640
It's been six months since
you guys got divorced.
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00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:29,680
I know, I know.
It's just that...
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00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:31,980
Being back in that church again.
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00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:34,810
I mean, everything seemed like
it was gonna be so perfect.
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00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:36,560
Yeah. Well, you're
not the first guy
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00:04:36,690 --> 00:04:37,820
to marry the wrong girl.
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00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:39,360
Hey, listen.
Don't let her drag you
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00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,190
down tonight, okay?
This is a party.
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00:04:41,570 --> 00:04:43,490
I'm sorry, buddy. I don't
mean to mess up your big day.
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00:04:43,570 --> 00:04:45,820
What, you kidding?
You're not the one messing it up.
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00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:47,370
Check out Tami-Lynn's
asshole brother
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00:04:47,490 --> 00:04:48,660
in the wheelchair.
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00:04:49,030 --> 00:04:51,540
If you don't dance with
me, you're a monster.
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00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,080
Watch it, you fucking tool!
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00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:57,250
Hey, hey!
Big day, huh, bud?
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00:04:57,540 --> 00:05:01,380
You guys wanna celebrate with
a little something else, hmm?
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00:05:01,550 --> 00:05:03,800
Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam.
Tami-Lynn would kill me
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00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,470
if I did drugs on our wedding day.
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00:05:05,550 --> 00:05:07,180
Ah, she won't notice.
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00:05:07,260 --> 00:05:09,560
I just did a line with a
dude in the men's room
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00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,060
and I bet you can't even spot him.
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00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:21,070
Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
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00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:25,570
Hey, hey. What do you say we do the
thing, huh? That'll cheer you up.
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00:05:25,740 --> 00:05:27,450
- Fuck, let's do it.
- There he is!
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00:05:31,450 --> 00:05:34,080
Attention, everyone.
May I have your attention, please.
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00:05:34,370 --> 00:05:37,710
Johnny and I have prepared something
very special for you, here.
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00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,080
Let's have it, fellas!
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00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:43,550
♪ When you hear
the sound of thunder ♪
88
00:05:43,630 --> 00:05:45,380
♪ Don't you get too scared ♪
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00:05:45,550 --> 00:05:49,600
♪ Just grab your thunder buddy
and say these magic words ♪
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00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,510
♪ Ho! Fuck you, thunder! ♪
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00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:53,970
♪ You can suck my dick ♪
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00:05:54,770 --> 00:05:56,440
♪ You can't get me thunder ♪
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00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,560
♪ 'Cause you're just
God's farts ♪
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00:05:58,650 --> 00:05:59,690
♪ Yeah! ♪
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00:06:05,780 --> 00:06:08,490
♪ I'm steppin' out with my honey ♪
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00:06:08,740 --> 00:06:10,700
♪ Can't be bad to feel so good ♪
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00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:13,160
♪ Never felt quite so sunny ♪
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00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,120
♪ So I keep on knockin' wood ♪
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00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,540
♪ Yeah, steppin' out with my baby ♪
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00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,960
♪ Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right ♪
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00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:22,670
♪ Ask me when will the day be ♪
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00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:26,130
♪ The big day may be tonight ♪
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00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:27,970
This is the best day of my life!
104
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,560
I'm starving. What the hell
are you doing over there?
105
00:09:20,890 --> 00:09:21,930
I'm curing cancer.
106
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:24,140
I'm cooking your fucking steak.
What do you think I'm doing?
107
00:09:24,390 --> 00:09:25,440
What do I think you're doing?
108
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,310
I think you're bleeding us dry,
is what I think you're doing.
109
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,070
Look at this, look at this.
$129 at Filene's Basement.
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00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,150
What are you buying over there, Tami?
Gold bars?
111
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,820
I need clothes for work.
All right, Teddy?
112
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:37,410
What do you mean?
You wear a smock, you're a fucking cashier.
113
00:09:37,490 --> 00:09:38,530
Yeah? So are you!
114
00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:41,370
Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going
out and buying designer shit!
115
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:42,580
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
116
00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:44,790
You're just buying weed,
you're just buying drugs.
117
00:09:44,870 --> 00:09:45,870
You should fucking talk!
118
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,040
I was talking. I was just talking,
just now, until you interrupted me.
119
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,340
Well, I have to interrupt you or else
120
00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:51,420
I never get to fucking say anything!
121
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:52,500
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
122
00:09:52,590 --> 00:09:53,590
You're always cutting me off!
123
00:09:53,670 --> 00:09:54,800
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
124
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,010
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
125
00:09:56,090 --> 00:09:57,470
It's important to look good at work.
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00:09:57,550 --> 00:09:59,640
I am trying to climb
the corporate fence, here!
127
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,100
Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
128
00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:02,350
You're acting like an asshole!
129
00:10:02,430 --> 00:10:04,020
Oh, what am I acting like, Tami?
130
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:05,520
You're acting like a fucking asshole!
131
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,190
Like an asshole!
That's what you're acting like!
132
00:10:07,270 --> 00:10:10,110
You don't got to dress like Elizabeth
Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
133
00:10:10,230 --> 00:10:12,480
I am the face
of the business! Okay?
134
00:10:12,610 --> 00:10:14,320
- The face of the business?
- So get the fuck off my case!
135
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,780
Jesus Christ! Listen to you!
You're delusional!
136
00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:19,200
I should've married Robert DiCicco.
I really should've.
137
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:20,700
Fine! Fine!
Go torture that asshole!
138
00:10:20,780 --> 00:10:22,030
He treated me good!
139
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,870
And he had a dick!
He had an awesome dick!
140
00:10:25,950 --> 00:10:29,120
Oh, newsflash! Boston whore
has seen Italian penis.
141
00:10:29,460 --> 00:10:31,380
What the fuck did you just call me, fucker?
142
00:10:31,460 --> 00:10:32,840
What did you fucking say?
143
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,210
Jesus!
What the fuck?
144
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,300
You wanna call me a whore?
145
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:37,550
You wanna throw shit?
146
00:10:37,630 --> 00:10:38,840
Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!
147
00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:40,010
I'll fucking throw shit!
148
00:10:40,010 --> 00:10:42,260
- Oh. Wow.
- There, see! How do you like that?
149
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:43,720
I'm scared, Teddy!
150
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,970
I'm really fucking scared of
you, you little fucking bear!
151
00:10:46,140 --> 00:10:47,430
Shut the fuck up!
152
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:48,980
Oh, for Christ's sake!
153
00:10:49,310 --> 00:10:50,850
Hey, you shut the fuck up!
154
00:10:50,940 --> 00:10:52,310
Why don't you come down
and make me, tough guy?
155
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:53,520
Yeah, why don't you come up here
156
00:10:53,610 --> 00:10:54,900
and make me come down there, tough guy?
157
00:10:54,980 --> 00:10:57,150
I am gonna come up there and I'm
gonna kick your fucking ass!
158
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,610
Yeah, why don't you try it, asshole?
159
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,490
Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
160
00:11:01,910 --> 00:11:03,080
Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!
161
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,120
Hey, shut up, lady!
162
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,160
Run the fuck back to Russia, you whore!
163
00:11:06,330 --> 00:11:07,580
Get the fuck out of here!
164
00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:08,910
People are trying to sleep!
165
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,000
God damn it!
166
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,170
Shut the fuck up!
167
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,630
- Hey, I'm really sorry!
- Yeah, me, too.
168
00:11:13,710 --> 00:11:15,050
She's worse than us.
169
00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:16,510
Yeah, she's our enemy now.
170
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,100
Have you guys at least
tried marriage therapy?
171
00:11:26,350 --> 00:11:28,520
Oh, God, yeah.
It was a frigging disaster.
172
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,100
$250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.
173
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:33,020
$250? Dude,
that's ridiculous!
174
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:34,690
I mean, doesn't your insurance
cover that or something?
175
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,610
Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up
for Obamacare on the Internet,
176
00:11:37,690 --> 00:11:38,940
but I came back five minutes later,
177
00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:40,360
she was looking at black cocks.
178
00:11:40,490 --> 00:11:42,030
It seems like every time you go online,
179
00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:43,620
you're two clicks away from black cocks.
180
00:11:43,780 --> 00:11:44,910
Look.
181
00:11:45,030 --> 00:11:47,700
See, I'll google
"Grand Canyon."
182
00:11:47,910 --> 00:11:50,410
Here. Look, it says,
"Did you mean black cocks?"
183
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,500
I don't know, man.
I got to do something
184
00:11:52,580 --> 00:11:54,170
or my marriage is gonna collapse.
185
00:11:54,540 --> 00:11:55,840
Here you go, guys.
186
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,550
We're gonna be closing in a few,
187
00:11:57,710 --> 00:11:59,170
but I'm going to
this after-hours thing
188
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,970
at my friend's apartment,
if you wanna join.
189
00:12:01,130 --> 00:12:04,260
Oh, thanks, Allison. But I
got an early day tomorrow.
190
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:05,720
Oh, okay.
191
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,680
Well, if you change your
mind, here's the address.
192
00:12:11,770 --> 00:12:13,270
I put my cell number on there, too.
193
00:12:16,150 --> 00:12:18,480
Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?
194
00:12:18,570 --> 00:12:19,610
What?
195
00:12:19,690 --> 00:12:20,860
What do you mean, "What?"
After hours?
196
00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:22,780
Jesus, Johnny, she totally
wants to sleep with you.
197
00:12:23,490 --> 00:12:24,570
I'm not into it.
198
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:26,490
John, you've been saying that
for over a year-and-a-half
199
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:28,450
about every chick that
throws herself at you.
200
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:29,870
You got to get back in the game, man!
201
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,200
No, don't start this shit, all right?
202
00:12:31,290 --> 00:12:32,790
Look, I wasted six years of my life
203
00:12:32,870 --> 00:12:34,290
with the wrong girl and I got burned.
204
00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:36,130
I'm not gonna make that same mistake again.
205
00:12:36,420 --> 00:12:38,170
Jesus, Johnny, you don't
got to marry Allison.
206
00:12:38,250 --> 00:12:40,420
You just got to bang her and
maybe pee on her a little.
207
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:41,720
What?
208
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,840
It's always good to find new
ways to surprise your lover.
209
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,550
Yeah, I got to take a leak.
210
00:12:49,010 --> 00:12:50,600
Sorry, Allison. I tried.
211
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:54,060
It's okay. I just wish
he wasn't so goddamn cute.
212
00:12:54,230 --> 00:12:55,940
Yeah. Hey, can I get
a Jack Daniel's
213
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:57,690
with just a splash of Grey Goose?
214
00:12:58,190 --> 00:12:59,940
Wish I could help you, but we're closing.
215
00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:01,990
Oh, come on. I've been
coming here since the '90s!
216
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:03,860
Sorry, buddy.
No can do.
217
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,360
Come on, one drink and I
promise I won't tell anybody
218
00:13:06,490 --> 00:13:08,950
that Jay Leno comes in here
for gay bathroom sex.
219
00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:11,540
Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
Get off of me!
220
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:13,460
Sorry, my mistake.
221
00:13:20,380 --> 00:13:23,340
There we go.
Thanks a lot, come again.
222
00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,310
Hey.
223
00:13:31,470 --> 00:13:32,520
Hello.
224
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:36,730
I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions
about this breakfast cereal.
225
00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:39,230
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Box of Trix.
226
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:40,570
That's right.
227
00:13:40,690 --> 00:13:44,740
I've been led to understand that
Trix are exclusively for children.
228
00:13:45,070 --> 00:13:46,070
Is that correct?
229
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:50,160
I... I mean, they say, uh, "Trix
are for kids" in the commercials.
230
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:51,700
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
231
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,250
And is that enforced by law?
232
00:13:54,870 --> 00:13:56,870
Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
233
00:13:57,500 --> 00:14:01,340
So if I purchase these Trix,
there'll be no trouble?
234
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,840
No. No, you...
You should be fine.
235
00:14:04,550 --> 00:14:07,220
You do understand that I
myself am not a child?
236
00:14:07,510 --> 00:14:09,850
Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
237
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:14,020
Okay, I'm going to bring
these back to my apartment.
238
00:14:14,390 --> 00:14:16,430
Uh, yeah, yeah.
You'll... You'll be okay.
239
00:14:16,770 --> 00:14:19,440
And, uh, I won't be followed?
240
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:23,070
Uh, no, that's...
That's not in our budget here.
241
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:27,530
Hey.
242
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:30,410
I won't forget what you've
done for me here today.
243
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,370
I would prefer that you do.
244
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,710
Jesus Christ.
245
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:51,970
You two still not talking?
246
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,140
No.
247
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,390
Honest to God, Joy, I don't
know how to fix this.
248
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:56,560
I mean, how the hell do you take
249
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,390
a broken marriage and make it work again?
250
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,810
Well, I'll tell you one way.
You have yourselves a baby.
251
00:15:01,980 --> 00:15:02,980
A baby?
252
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:04,980
Uh-huh. Look at that.
253
00:15:05,110 --> 00:15:06,570
You see them two white niggas over there?
254
00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:08,650
Yeah. What?
255
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:10,450
Look at them.
They're so happy.
256
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:13,240
Because they got that little
baby keeping them together.
257
00:15:13,410 --> 00:15:14,910
If they didn't have that baby,
258
00:15:14,990 --> 00:15:17,080
they'd just be two
sad-ass white niggas
259
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,830
waiting for Downton Abbey to come on.
260
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,580
Why, you said it twice.
Is that an actual phrase?
261
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:22,750
I'm telling you, Ted,
262
00:15:22,830 --> 00:15:26,000
y'all better have a baby or
your marriage is over. Trust.
263
00:15:35,850 --> 00:15:37,850
Uh, hey.
264
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:39,940
Go away, Teddy.
265
00:15:40,020 --> 00:15:42,190
Tami, listen, I just
wanna talk to you. Okay?
266
00:15:42,270 --> 00:15:43,770
Will you just listen to me for one second?
267
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:45,610
Why? So you can give me
shit about my clothes?
268
00:15:45,690 --> 00:15:48,690
No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?
I'm sorry.
269
00:15:48,820 --> 00:15:50,650
I was an asshole and I didn't mean it.
270
00:15:50,820 --> 00:15:52,110
You know, whatever, Teddy.
271
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,870
Tami, listen.
I love you.
272
00:15:55,530 --> 00:15:56,790
Okay? And...
And I don't want us
273
00:15:56,870 --> 00:15:59,040
to fight like we've been
doing the past few months.
274
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,870
I don't know, Teddy. Something's
got to change, you know?
275
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,540
Because I can't do this no more.
It's too much.
276
00:16:05,670 --> 00:16:08,340
I know, I know, I know.
And... And that's why...
277
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,550
I wanna have a baby.
278
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,220
You do?
279
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:15,470
Yeah.
280
00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:17,890
A baby? Like really?
281
00:16:19,140 --> 00:16:21,390
See, I think, if we got a kid to love,
282
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,690
it'll teach us how to
love each other again.
283
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,730
Oh, my God, Teddy.
284
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,820
You better not be messing with me.
285
00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:29,320
I swear to God, not messing with you.
286
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:30,990
I think you'd make an awesome mom.
287
00:16:31,070 --> 00:16:32,570
Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?
288
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,740
I would, like, kick so much ass at mommin'!
289
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:36,160
So what do you say?
We all good?
290
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,740
Yes! Oh, I love you!
291
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:38,910
I love you so much!
292
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,910
Oh, baby, I love you, too!
293
00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:43,420
- Let's make a baby!
- Let's make a baby!
294
00:17:03,270 --> 00:17:04,440
Let me know when you're ready to go
295
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,020
and I'll stick a bottle
of Newman's Own in you.
296
00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:08,230
All the profits go to charity.
297
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:11,530
You had sexual intercourse
298
00:17:11,610 --> 00:17:13,280
on a pile of raw hamburger meat
299
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,030
that we're supposed to sell to the public
300
00:17:15,110 --> 00:17:17,450
for their Fourth of July barbecues.
301
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,450
I fucked her with a pack of Freedent.
302
00:17:19,530 --> 00:17:22,290
Then I put it back on the shelf
and a senior citizen bought it.
303
00:17:23,290 --> 00:17:24,790
That took guts.
304
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:26,620
We need guts.
305
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:29,790
I'm naming the store after you.
306
00:17:38,550 --> 00:17:40,260
- Okay, you ready?
- Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
307
00:17:40,390 --> 00:17:41,890
- Here it comes.
- Okay, okay. I'm ready.
308
00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:45,310
♪ Let's all go to court. ♪
309
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:50,070
♪ Let's go make some law now ♪
310
00:17:50,230 --> 00:17:52,150
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
311
00:17:52,230 --> 00:17:54,320
♪ Some law now ♪
312
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:55,490
I say we go to court!
313
00:17:55,570 --> 00:17:56,740
Yes, let's go to court!
314
00:17:56,820 --> 00:17:58,490
We're a bunch of assholes who take up
315
00:17:58,570 --> 00:18:00,580
a whole hallway with our conversation.
316
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,160
♪ Hey, you lawyer guys ♪
317
00:18:04,290 --> 00:18:08,330
♪ You don't know me and
Johnny are watching you ♪
318
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:10,670
♪ While we're high ♪
319
00:18:11,630 --> 00:18:13,250
That was fucking magic.
320
00:18:13,340 --> 00:18:15,510
- That felt smooth. That felt really smooth.
- Oh!
321
00:18:15,590 --> 00:18:16,800
So in the pocket.
322
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,340
Hey, so, uh, listen, I got, uh...
323
00:18:19,430 --> 00:18:21,100
I got some big news to tell ya.
324
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,510
Oh, yeah? What's that?
325
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:26,020
Tami-Lynn and I are
gonna have a baby!
326
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,690
Holy shit! You?
327
00:18:29,770 --> 00:18:31,360
Yeah, yeah, we talked about it today.
328
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:33,020
Dude, that's fucking awesome!
Congratulations!
329
00:18:33,110 --> 00:18:34,110
Thank you!
330
00:18:34,190 --> 00:18:36,030
Wait, wait, wait. How... How...
How do you guys...
331
00:18:36,110 --> 00:18:39,860
Well, yeah, that's the thing. We... We, uh...
We got to find a sperm donor.
332
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,030
And, um, I'm wondering, what do you think
333
00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:44,950
Sam Jones would say if I asked him?
334
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,370
You want Flash Gordon to father your child?
335
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,790
Yeah, I mean, do you think...
336
00:18:48,870 --> 00:18:50,540
Would that be weird? Would
he be freaked out if I...
337
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:51,790
No, I think he'd be flattered!
338
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,550
And plus, your baby
will be a fucking superhero!
339
00:18:54,630 --> 00:18:56,630
Well, that was the logic
I arrived at as well.
340
00:18:56,710 --> 00:18:57,880
Yeah, I say do it!
341
00:18:58,010 --> 00:18:59,720
All right. I'll shoot
him an e-mail right now,
342
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,140
and see if I can stop by tonight.
343
00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:02,550
- You come with me?
- Sure.
344
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:03,810
All right, great.
345
00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:07,140
Shit.
346
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:10,150
I can never get a signal in your apartment.
Hey, can I use your laptop?
347
00:19:10,310 --> 00:19:12,150
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Okay, thanks.
348
00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:17,990
What the fuck?
349
00:19:18,150 --> 00:19:20,410
Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter?
What happened?
350
00:19:20,490 --> 00:19:21,570
What's going on?
351
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:23,530
There's so much porn!
352
00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:25,580
Well, what the hell are you doing
looking at my private shit?
353
00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:28,410
What are you talking about, "private shit"?
Johnny, it was wide open!
354
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,330
There are literally
thousands of files here!
355
00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:32,170
Well, I've been meaning
to clear some of that out.
356
00:19:32,420 --> 00:19:34,420
Jesus Christ. Look at
the organization here!
357
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:37,260
Clockwise rim job.
Counterclockwise rim job!
358
00:19:37,420 --> 00:19:39,760
Yeah, well, sometimes you like
seeing the tongue go the other way!
359
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,760
You sick bastard! Look at this!
Chicks with dicks?
360
00:19:43,010 --> 00:19:46,600
Oh, my God!
I have a disease, all right? I need help!
361
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,230
There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny!
Only guys with tits!
362
00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:50,600
Oh, this is such a relief!
363
00:19:50,730 --> 00:19:52,940
I'm so glad I'm finally caught.
I wanted to be caught!
364
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:55,690
Johnny, now you listen to me. This
is a wake-up call, all right?
365
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:57,860
You got to get back out
there and meet somebody
366
00:19:57,940 --> 00:19:59,780
because you are spiraling
out of control here.
367
00:19:59,860 --> 00:20:02,360
All right, fine, I will. Just stop
looking at that shit, please!
368
00:20:02,530 --> 00:20:03,620
Johnny, I mean it. All right?
369
00:20:03,740 --> 00:20:05,620
The next chick you meet, you
are getting back in the game.
370
00:20:05,870 --> 00:20:06,950
Fine, I got it. Done.
371
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,790
All right. Now, let's get rid of this.
372
00:20:08,910 --> 00:20:10,790
What do you mean?
We'll just delete the files!
373
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,460
No, no, no. That shit can
always be recovered.
374
00:20:12,580 --> 00:20:14,580
We got to smash your laptop with a hammer.
375
00:20:21,130 --> 00:20:22,220
All right, there, you happy?
376
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:24,800
No, the circuits could still be
reconstructed if somebody worked at it.
377
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,140
We got to bury it in the harbor.
378
00:20:43,150 --> 00:20:45,240
Okay. We'll come back
once every three months,
379
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:46,820
take a dive and check on it.
380
00:20:48,030 --> 00:20:51,500
So, uh, basically that's it.
We need a sperm donor.
381
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,000
So what do ya say?
382
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,750
You'd really be helping me and Tami out.
383
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,500
No can do, my brother.
384
00:20:56,790 --> 00:20:58,210
Well...
Well, why not?
385
00:20:58,540 --> 00:21:00,710
Oh, look, I did a lot of blow in the '80s
386
00:21:02,050 --> 00:21:04,220
and my sperm count's a little low.
387
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:05,760
Oh. How low?
388
00:21:06,220 --> 00:21:07,390
One.
389
00:21:07,470 --> 00:21:08,470
One?
390
00:21:08,550 --> 00:21:12,390
Yeah, little fella's having his
own I Am Legend in my nut sack.
391
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,060
Oh. Can we have that one?
392
00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:17,650
No! Gonna need it for protein
if I ever get lost at sea.
393
00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:19,900
Come on, guys. I mean, are we done here?
I got to go.
394
00:21:20,230 --> 00:21:23,360
That Sister, Sister marathon
ain't gonna watch itself.
395
00:21:24,070 --> 00:21:26,490
Can't believe it.
That son of a bitch!
396
00:21:26,570 --> 00:21:27,870
That was really selfish of him.
397
00:21:27,950 --> 00:21:29,330
I know. And after I watched his
398
00:21:29,410 --> 00:21:31,160
piece-of-shit movie,
like, a hundred times.
399
00:21:31,620 --> 00:21:32,790
God damn it!
400
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,040
- Ah!
- Oh, shit!
401
00:21:40,750 --> 00:21:42,920
Johnny, please, just help me do this. Okay?
402
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:44,590
He's the only guy in the world whose sperm
403
00:21:44,670 --> 00:21:45,930
is even close to Flash Gordon's.
404
00:21:46,010 --> 00:21:48,180
Ted, it's insane. We could
get in a lot of trouble.
405
00:21:48,340 --> 00:21:49,720
But not if nobody finds out.
406
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:50,850
Look, look, John, John.
407
00:21:50,930 --> 00:21:53,270
We sneak into his house,
jerk him off in his sleep
408
00:21:53,350 --> 00:21:54,980
and sneak out with the sperm.
It'll be easy!
409
00:21:55,350 --> 00:21:57,230
And think how awesome the baby will be.
410
00:21:57,810 --> 00:21:59,810
Would be
a sweet-ass fucking baby.
411
00:22:01,110 --> 00:22:03,650
All right, I'll help you. But
we got to have a game plan.
412
00:22:15,870 --> 00:22:17,330
Just calm down.
413
00:22:19,420 --> 00:22:20,500
Yeah, can I help you?
414
00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:24,710
Hey! Um, are you,
uh, Tom Brady?
415
00:22:25,130 --> 00:22:26,130
Yeah.
416
00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:27,380
Um, hey. Um...
417
00:22:27,630 --> 00:22:28,590
Your neighbors called,
418
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:30,180
and your air conditioner's
making a loud noise
419
00:22:30,260 --> 00:22:31,890
so I'm supposed to check out the unit.
420
00:22:31,970 --> 00:22:33,390
Uh, okay.
Yeah, it's around back.
421
00:22:33,470 --> 00:22:35,850
Okay. Um, I just may need
a signature in case
422
00:22:35,930 --> 00:22:37,520
I got to get some parts, for the billing.
423
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:41,650
You could just, uh, write that
to John and Ted. Put number 12.
424
00:22:42,270 --> 00:22:45,070
And you're not a cheater. I mean,
I think your balls are perfect.
425
00:22:45,150 --> 00:22:46,990
- It's around back.
- All right. Yeah.
426
00:23:10,430 --> 00:23:12,180
Stupid idiot.
427
00:23:18,850 --> 00:23:20,230
Okay. Go, go, go!
428
00:23:36,700 --> 00:23:38,620
Take the damn raincoat off.
It's making too much noise.
429
00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:40,870
Piss off! I don't wanna get
any jizz on me!
430
00:23:52,010 --> 00:23:55,100
Two League MVPs, four Super Bowl rings,
431
00:23:55,350 --> 00:23:57,930
guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famer.
432
00:23:58,060 --> 00:24:00,770
Now let's give him a handjob
into this red Solo cup.
433
00:24:00,890 --> 00:24:02,350
All right. Go ahead.
434
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,310
Wait, what do you mean,
"Go ahead"? You got to do it.
435
00:24:05,230 --> 00:24:07,150
What are you talking about? You're
the one who needs the sperm.
436
00:24:07,230 --> 00:24:08,610
Yeah, but it's got to be a human hand.
437
00:24:08,690 --> 00:24:10,490
It's got to be skin on skin,
otherwise it doesn't work.
438
00:24:10,650 --> 00:24:11,950
No, it doesn't.
It's just friction.
439
00:24:12,070 --> 00:24:13,820
- Look, I've never done this before.
- Neither have I.
440
00:24:13,910 --> 00:24:15,740
- You do it to yourself.
- Yeah, but that's different.
441
00:24:15,870 --> 00:24:18,450
You're an adult with a poster of
this guy in your fucking room.
442
00:24:18,540 --> 00:24:19,660
You're telling me you don't want this?
443
00:24:20,370 --> 00:24:22,830
Yeah, I want it! You know I
want it, but I'm nervous.
444
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,040
What if he doesn't like the way I'm doing it?
He deserves the best!
445
00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:26,250
Pull yourself together, for God's sakes.
446
00:24:26,340 --> 00:24:27,590
He's gonna love it.
Go, go, go!
447
00:24:28,670 --> 00:24:29,920
All right.
448
00:24:33,590 --> 00:24:35,640
Sweet God and baby Jesus.
449
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,760
And that's at rest.
450
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:40,770
What the hell?
451
00:24:40,850 --> 00:24:42,270
Mr. Brady, we just need
a moment of your time.
452
00:24:42,350 --> 00:24:43,770
What are you doing here?
Who are you?
453
00:24:43,850 --> 00:24:44,850
Get out of my house!
454
00:24:46,770 --> 00:24:47,860
- Oh, God!
- Ahhh!
455
00:24:49,570 --> 00:24:50,610
Wait, Mr. Brady!
456
00:24:50,690 --> 00:24:52,530
Take your goddamn teddy bear with you!
457
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,530
Holy shit!
Perfect spiral!
458
00:24:56,620 --> 00:24:58,080
Come on, let's get out of here!
459
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:08,130
Shit!
460
00:25:08,290 --> 00:25:09,630
What the hell do we do now?
461
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,090
Hey, Ted, let me ask you something.
462
00:25:13,260 --> 00:25:14,470
What's that?
463
00:25:14,970 --> 00:25:16,340
Why didn't you just come to me?
464
00:25:16,930 --> 00:25:18,100
What are you talking about?
465
00:25:18,180 --> 00:25:19,510
For the sperm.
466
00:25:19,850 --> 00:25:24,600
Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man? You
were the first person I wanted to go to.
467
00:25:25,060 --> 00:25:26,730
But you've just been so bummed out
468
00:25:26,810 --> 00:25:27,940
over your divorce lately
469
00:25:28,060 --> 00:25:31,570
that I just... You know, I didn't want
to put you in an awkward position.
470
00:25:31,820 --> 00:25:33,240
And plus, after seeing your laptop,
471
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:34,820
I didn't think you had any left.
472
00:25:35,150 --> 00:25:37,660
Just so you know, I'm
totally willing to do it.
473
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:41,540
Really? You'd...
You'd do that for me?
474
00:25:41,790 --> 00:25:44,080
Ted, you're my best friend.
I'd do anything for you.
475
00:25:44,830 --> 00:25:48,330
Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's
house and tried to jerk him off...
476
00:25:48,420 --> 00:25:50,040
You're ready to be a parent.
477
00:25:50,550 --> 00:25:52,260
God...
478
00:25:52,340 --> 00:25:54,130
I don't know what to say.
479
00:25:54,340 --> 00:25:57,470
Johnny, thank you!
Thank you so much!
480
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,430
Hey, thunder buddies for life, remember?
481
00:26:00,810 --> 00:26:02,640
Thunder buddies for life.
482
00:26:02,810 --> 00:26:05,520
Come on. We got to get out of
here before the cops show up.
483
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,520
All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive.
Area units, please respond.
484
00:26:09,940 --> 00:26:11,440
What's a 3-17?
485
00:26:11,610 --> 00:26:14,490
Someone's trying to steal
Tom Brady's jizz again.
486
00:26:15,150 --> 00:26:16,150
Really?
487
00:26:16,490 --> 00:26:17,990
Welcome to Boston, kid.
488
00:26:31,630 --> 00:26:33,090
- What is that?
- What?
489
00:26:33,170 --> 00:26:34,760
- What are you doing?
- I'm getting ready, dude.
490
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:35,920
What do you mean you're getting ready?
491
00:26:36,010 --> 00:26:37,170
What are you doing to your hand?
492
00:26:37,300 --> 00:26:39,840
I'm doing this for you. I'm getting ready.
I got to go in and perform.
493
00:26:39,930 --> 00:26:41,510
You got your hand on your dick.
What are you doing?
494
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:42,850
I'm trying to get it half hard,
495
00:26:42,970 --> 00:26:44,430
so when I get in there
I could just bust it out.
496
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,270
Sitting out here in public, jerking off?
497
00:26:46,350 --> 00:26:48,190
Where do you think you are? Red Lobster?
What are you doing?
498
00:26:48,270 --> 00:26:49,520
What do you think I got to do in there?
499
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,020
Forget it.
Now, look, you haven't
500
00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:52,860
smoked pot for two whole days, right?
501
00:26:52,940 --> 00:26:55,530
Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right?
Your baby's gonna be fine.
502
00:26:55,610 --> 00:26:57,450
I'm sorry, I just don't want something
503
00:26:57,530 --> 00:26:59,950
I got to feed with
a pitchfork when he's 16.
504
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:01,370
"John Bennett."
505
00:27:01,490 --> 00:27:02,530
Hi.
506
00:27:02,620 --> 00:27:05,290
Right this way. I'll show you
where to deposit your specimen.
507
00:27:05,950 --> 00:27:07,660
Hey, Johnny. Johnny.
508
00:27:17,550 --> 00:27:19,050
I'm John Bennett.
509
00:27:19,340 --> 00:27:21,220
I know, I just said your name.
510
00:27:21,300 --> 00:27:23,890
Oh, right, yeah, sorry,
I'm just a little nervous.
511
00:27:23,970 --> 00:27:26,140
I've been out of the game for a while.
512
00:27:26,350 --> 00:27:27,390
The game?
513
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,560
I don't talk to pretty girls that often.
Pretty women, ladies.
514
00:27:32,190 --> 00:27:33,310
I see.
515
00:27:34,190 --> 00:27:35,820
Hey, when I'm done here, how about a drink?
516
00:27:37,150 --> 00:27:40,490
Oh. I don't mean this.
I meant, like, a regular drink.
517
00:27:40,660 --> 00:27:42,200
I have a boyfriend.
518
00:27:42,910 --> 00:27:46,410
Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah. Too bad.
You're missing out on a great guy.
519
00:27:46,580 --> 00:27:49,580
Um, do I just spit in my hand or do I get
520
00:27:49,660 --> 00:27:51,830
a lube or something?
A magazine?
521
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:53,580
Video? I like Asian
teen stuff preferably.
522
00:27:53,710 --> 00:27:54,750
There's lube right there.
523
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,590
All right, yeah, thanks.
524
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:04,760
Uh, excuse me. Where's your
non-jerk-off bathroom?
525
00:28:04,850 --> 00:28:06,260
Down that hallway, to the left.
526
00:28:06,350 --> 00:28:07,770
Okay, thanks.
527
00:28:14,190 --> 00:28:15,610
Oh. No way!
528
00:28:16,860 --> 00:28:20,280
Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you
guys store all the, uh, stuff?
529
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,120
It's the intermediary station
before insemination.
530
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:25,370
Are you submitting?
531
00:28:25,450 --> 00:28:28,620
No. My friend is, uh, yanking out
a sample in one of the rooms.
532
00:28:29,370 --> 00:28:30,540
- Oh, well, that's a good friend.
- Yeah.
533
00:28:30,620 --> 00:28:31,620
I'm Dr. Danzer.
534
00:28:31,750 --> 00:28:32,790
Oh, cool.
535
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:36,630
♪ Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer ♪
536
00:28:36,710 --> 00:28:37,800
Yeah, whatever, I don't know.
537
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:41,630
Now, wait. You look familiar. Are
you that teddy bear who came alive?
538
00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:43,130
I am. That's me, yeah.
539
00:28:43,220 --> 00:28:44,220
See, I was trying to figure out
540
00:28:44,300 --> 00:28:45,640
where I'd seen you before and that's it.
541
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:46,800
Good eye, good eye.
542
00:28:46,890 --> 00:28:50,310
So, how did you get into this line of work?
Do you just love cum?
543
00:28:50,810 --> 00:28:51,810
Uh, uh...
544
00:28:51,930 --> 00:28:54,060
Not especially, but I love
helping good people
545
00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:55,900
fulfill their dreams of having children.
546
00:28:55,980 --> 00:28:58,150
It's amazing what we can do here.
547
00:28:58,610 --> 00:29:00,280
You want to have a look?
548
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:01,900
Yeah, sure.
549
00:29:03,650 --> 00:29:07,410
This is where we perform our
pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.
550
00:29:07,490 --> 00:29:09,490
We can eliminate hereditary diseases,
551
00:29:09,580 --> 00:29:12,750
such as cystic fibrosis, muscular
dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia.
552
00:29:12,830 --> 00:29:14,500
The list goes on and on, really.
553
00:29:14,620 --> 00:29:15,670
Wow.
554
00:29:16,170 --> 00:29:17,840
Hey, Johnny! You did it!
555
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:18,920
Right here, buddy.
556
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,760
Ew. I mean, awesome!
557
00:29:21,340 --> 00:29:23,090
Excuse me, Doctor,
your wife's on the phone.
558
00:29:23,170 --> 00:29:24,510
She said it's an emergency.
559
00:29:24,970 --> 00:29:26,680
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
560
00:29:28,350 --> 00:29:30,640
You wanna see it? Huh?
You wanna see your kid?
561
00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:32,100
I can see it from here, thanks, yeah.
562
00:29:32,180 --> 00:29:33,520
Dude, take a closer look.
It's your kid.
563
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:34,600
No, no, no!
Come on!
564
00:29:34,690 --> 00:29:36,520
- You got to take a closer look.
- That's close enough, Johnny!
565
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:38,440
- He's beautiful. Come on!
- I'll trade you. Catch.
566
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:40,190
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, God!
567
00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:42,030
Fuck! Dude,
that's somebody's kid!
568
00:29:42,190 --> 00:29:44,530
Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod!
You were supposed to catch it!
569
00:29:44,610 --> 00:29:45,610
We got to find something to scoop it up.
570
00:29:45,700 --> 00:29:47,280
There's containers over there.
Scoop it up with that.
571
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:48,700
Shit. All right.
572
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:50,200
No, no, that's not gonna work.
573
00:29:50,330 --> 00:29:52,040
You need two of them. You got
to scoop one into the other.
574
00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,040
Oh, shit! Fuck!
575
00:29:55,290 --> 00:29:56,540
- Oh!
- Oh, fuck!
576
00:29:56,620 --> 00:29:57,630
Oh, my God!
577
00:29:57,710 --> 00:29:58,790
Fuck! Fuck!
578
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,050
Oh, my God! It's in my eyes!
579
00:30:01,130 --> 00:30:02,130
I'm blinking it in!
580
00:30:02,210 --> 00:30:03,460
You got to fucking help me!
581
00:30:03,550 --> 00:30:05,130
Oh, my God!
It's in my fucking mouth!
582
00:30:05,220 --> 00:30:06,970
Hang on. I got to
post this on Facebook.
583
00:30:07,050 --> 00:30:08,220
No!
584
00:30:08,550 --> 00:30:11,010
Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."
585
00:30:11,180 --> 00:30:13,060
Oh, my God!
586
00:30:13,140 --> 00:30:15,060
- Look, I'm so sorry!
- We swear to God, it was an accident.
587
00:30:15,140 --> 00:30:16,230
We're so sorry.
588
00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:20,060
Well, I guess it's all right. Those
are the rejected sickle-cell samples.
589
00:30:20,230 --> 00:30:21,650
Ah, you hear that, Johnny?
590
00:30:21,730 --> 00:30:23,650
You're covered in
rejected black-guy sperm.
591
00:30:23,730 --> 00:30:25,070
You look like a Kardashian.
592
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:26,530
Fuck!
593
00:30:38,870 --> 00:30:41,000
No, make sure you have all the updated
594
00:30:41,090 --> 00:30:42,670
information on our Comic Con placement.
595
00:30:42,750 --> 00:30:46,090
This has to be the biggest, most
impressive rollout at the convention.
596
00:30:46,220 --> 00:30:47,260
Morning, Mr. Jessup.
597
00:30:48,010 --> 00:30:49,510
Good morning. Now...
598
00:30:49,590 --> 00:30:51,100
My name's Donny.
599
00:30:51,260 --> 00:30:53,510
- Hi, Donny.
- Hi.
600
00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:55,270
Now this is
a multi-platform release,
601
00:30:55,350 --> 00:30:56,520
so I want a full report on all...
602
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:57,850
Fresh cakes.
603
00:30:59,900 --> 00:31:00,940
What?
604
00:31:01,020 --> 00:31:02,440
In the urinals, sir.
605
00:31:03,020 --> 00:31:05,030
I noticed you always use urinal four,
606
00:31:05,110 --> 00:31:06,860
so I put fresh cakes in there for you.
607
00:31:06,940 --> 00:31:09,950
You're an important man. You
should never have to smell pee.
608
00:31:10,740 --> 00:31:13,580
See, most people flip the cakes.
609
00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:18,790
That's the Donny difference.
610
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:23,880
I need a full report on all the
placement of our merchandise.
611
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,130
Contact Bob Jennings at Javits...
612
00:31:53,950 --> 00:31:54,990
Hi, Ted.
613
00:31:56,330 --> 00:31:57,750
I've missed you.
614
00:31:59,620 --> 00:32:00,830
I love you!
615
00:32:01,580 --> 00:32:03,460
I love you too.
616
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:06,840
I love you too!
617
00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:08,170
I love you too!
618
00:32:12,010 --> 00:32:13,340
Pretty soon,
619
00:32:13,430 --> 00:32:15,260
you'll be saying that for real.
620
00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:18,100
Pretty soon, pretty soon, pretty soon.
621
00:32:18,180 --> 00:32:20,180
This is gonna work. This is gonna work.
This is gonna work.
622
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:22,520
Okay.
623
00:32:27,980 --> 00:32:29,030
Okay.
624
00:32:30,030 --> 00:32:31,030
Okay.
625
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:41,290
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no!
626
00:32:41,830 --> 00:32:42,870
Oh, shit!
627
00:32:49,210 --> 00:32:50,300
Soon, my love.
628
00:32:52,010 --> 00:32:53,050
Soon.
629
00:32:55,550 --> 00:32:57,050
I'm afraid I have bad news.
630
00:32:57,470 --> 00:33:00,220
I won't be able to perform
the implantation procedure.
631
00:33:00,390 --> 00:33:02,060
- Wait, what?
- Why not?
632
00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:06,230
Tami-Lynn, according to your test
results, you're no longer fertile.
633
00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:07,400
What?
634
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,400
Wait, Doc, are you sure about that?
635
00:33:09,570 --> 00:33:11,690
I mean, maybe you should check
again or something, you know?
636
00:33:11,900 --> 00:33:13,070
I'm quite sure.
637
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:16,320
Tami-Lynn, because of your
history of excessive drug use
638
00:33:16,990 --> 00:33:20,370
your ovarian canal
has been somewhat compromised.
639
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,250
- What are you talking about? It looks fine.
- Yeah.
640
00:33:23,410 --> 00:33:25,750
Forgive me, that's a normal ovary.
641
00:33:25,830 --> 00:33:27,380
This is Tami-Lynn's.
642
00:33:27,540 --> 00:33:28,710
Jesus!
643
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:31,090
Yeah, but I bet this stuff happens a lot.
644
00:33:31,170 --> 00:33:33,260
You probably see this kind of
stuff all the time, right?
645
00:33:33,590 --> 00:33:35,840
No, not once, not ever.
646
00:33:36,010 --> 00:33:39,220
When I saw this, I threw up.
Almost quit medicine.
647
00:33:39,430 --> 00:33:42,220
Bottom line is,
insemination is not possible.
648
00:33:42,770 --> 00:33:45,890
I don't understand, okay?
None of this makes any sense.
649
00:33:45,980 --> 00:33:47,940
It's okay. It's okay, honey.
Come on, let's just go.
650
00:33:48,020 --> 00:33:49,440
No, what does this mean, Teddy?
651
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:50,690
Does it mean we can't have a baby?
652
00:33:50,770 --> 00:33:52,280
I don't know.
But it's gonna be okay.
653
00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:53,900
Everything's gonna be okay.
654
00:33:54,070 --> 00:33:55,280
It really isn't.
655
00:34:07,750 --> 00:34:10,210
Teddy, I got a really
good feeling about this.
656
00:34:10,290 --> 00:34:11,340
I know, me too.
657
00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:13,130
I mean, adoption's great, right?
658
00:34:13,210 --> 00:34:14,260
Oh, yeah, I mean,
659
00:34:14,340 --> 00:34:15,840
Steve Jobs was adopted.
660
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:18,720
Yeah! Yeah, and also a million
kids who did nothing.
661
00:34:19,970 --> 00:34:21,180
You know, Teddy,
662
00:34:21,970 --> 00:34:25,310
this has been nice, you and
me doing this together.
663
00:34:25,390 --> 00:34:27,770
I mean, it's like we have a
common goal or something, right?
664
00:34:27,850 --> 00:34:30,690
Yeah, I love hearing you say that,
'cause I feel exactly the same way.
665
00:34:30,770 --> 00:34:32,480
And we ain't fought in, like, a week.
666
00:34:32,570 --> 00:34:33,940
I know, we haven't! It's...
667
00:34:34,030 --> 00:34:36,320
Hey, you know what? If the baby
works out, we should get a dog.
668
00:34:36,700 --> 00:34:38,570
Oh, my God.
A German shepherd.
669
00:34:38,660 --> 00:34:40,410
A German shepherd and a baby, together.
670
00:34:40,490 --> 00:34:41,700
It's like the perfect family.
671
00:34:41,780 --> 00:34:43,200
And a gun, to protect us all!
672
00:34:43,290 --> 00:34:46,000
Yes! Okay, as soon as we get
the baby, we get the gun.
673
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:47,750
I love our gun-dog-baby family.
674
00:34:50,630 --> 00:34:52,880
Well, I have gone through your application
675
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:55,170
and vetted your personal histories,
676
00:34:56,340 --> 00:34:58,260
and I'm afraid this isn't gonna work out.
677
00:34:59,340 --> 00:35:00,430
What?
678
00:35:00,590 --> 00:35:01,680
Why not?
679
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:03,310
Well, first of all, there's the question
680
00:35:03,390 --> 00:35:05,060
of Tami-Lynn's drug conviction.
681
00:35:05,220 --> 00:35:06,980
Hey, I did my community service.
682
00:35:07,060 --> 00:35:09,690
Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.
She's clean.
683
00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:11,730
There's another issue,
684
00:35:11,810 --> 00:35:14,860
and, honestly, it's the more serious one.
685
00:35:14,940 --> 00:35:17,190
I was reluctant to bring it up because
686
00:35:18,490 --> 00:35:19,990
it's a little awkward.
687
00:35:20,780 --> 00:35:24,830
Ted, in the eyes of the
state, you are not a person.
688
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:27,620
Wait, what?
689
00:35:28,710 --> 00:35:30,920
The state official I spoke to said
690
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,130
that technically, you are
classified as property.
691
00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:38,720
I'm not a person?
692
00:35:39,130 --> 00:35:41,970
Not according to
the government. I'm sorry.
693
00:35:42,050 --> 00:35:43,760
But that is so fucked up!
694
00:35:44,510 --> 00:35:45,810
"Property"?
695
00:35:45,890 --> 00:35:47,890
You know what, Teddy?
Let's get out of here.
696
00:35:48,140 --> 00:35:49,140
Come on.
697
00:35:50,770 --> 00:35:51,900
Look.
698
00:35:52,060 --> 00:35:53,860
You seem like good people.
699
00:35:54,020 --> 00:35:55,270
Be careful.
700
00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:57,440
What do you mean, "Be careful"?
701
00:35:57,530 --> 00:35:59,490
The state official I spoke to
702
00:35:59,570 --> 00:36:03,200
made it sound like your status had
gone under the radar for some time.
703
00:36:03,740 --> 00:36:06,410
Your adoption request may
have raised some red flags.
704
00:36:06,990 --> 00:36:09,750
If they choose to investigate the issue,
705
00:36:09,910 --> 00:36:12,460
it may leave you quite vulnerable.
706
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,060
Hey. I just got off work
and heard your message.
707
00:36:28,140 --> 00:36:29,770
Is that for real? Did they
actually tell you that?
708
00:36:29,850 --> 00:36:31,560
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
"Property."
709
00:36:31,770 --> 00:36:33,350
They said I'm property.
710
00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:35,520
What does that even mean?
Like, you're a thing?
711
00:36:35,610 --> 00:36:37,440
What, like garbage or a piece of shit?
712
00:36:37,900 --> 00:36:41,360
I mean, maybe more like a
hammer or an orange, but yeah.
713
00:36:41,450 --> 00:36:42,650
What the hell do they know?
714
00:36:42,740 --> 00:36:43,780
It's just a word.
715
00:36:43,860 --> 00:36:46,240
They can't change your whole life
just by calling you property!
716
00:36:46,330 --> 00:36:49,240
Bullshit!
You better ask my ancestors.
717
00:36:49,450 --> 00:36:51,790
One minute, you in Africa,
washing your clothes
718
00:36:51,870 --> 00:36:53,790
in the river,
titties out. You good.
719
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:55,670
Then all of a sudden, you somewhere
720
00:36:55,750 --> 00:36:57,670
across the world, fucking Thomas Jefferson.
721
00:36:57,790 --> 00:37:00,130
Wow! You make
history come alive.
722
00:37:00,340 --> 00:37:02,220
Why the hell is this just coming up now?
723
00:37:02,470 --> 00:37:04,470
I mean, I've never voted.
724
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,220
I don't have a driver's
license, I don't pay taxes.
725
00:37:07,300 --> 00:37:09,350
I mean, hell, this is
the first job I ever had.
726
00:37:10,850 --> 00:37:13,310
Ted, can I see you for a moment?
727
00:37:14,850 --> 00:37:15,980
I'm sorry,
728
00:37:16,060 --> 00:37:17,610
but I'm gonna have to let you go.
729
00:37:17,810 --> 00:37:21,490
What? Why? I've been busting my
ass at this job for three years!
730
00:37:21,740 --> 00:37:23,990
I just got a call from
the Labor Department.
731
00:37:24,990 --> 00:37:26,950
I can't legally keep you on as an employee
732
00:37:27,030 --> 00:37:29,240
because I've been informed
that you're technically...
733
00:37:29,330 --> 00:37:32,540
Technically not a person.
Yeah. Jesus Christ!
734
00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:36,880
I'm sorry. But as of today,
you're fired.
735
00:37:40,300 --> 00:37:42,340
"Dear Ted, your Chase bank account
736
00:37:42,420 --> 00:37:44,550
has been terminated due to
a lack of citizenship."
737
00:37:44,970 --> 00:37:47,510
"Dear Ted, your Discover card
has been revoked."
738
00:37:47,590 --> 00:37:50,510
"Dear Ted, you are no longer
a Papa Gino's rewards member."
739
00:37:50,720 --> 00:37:52,020
Fuck, that's a big one.
740
00:37:52,180 --> 00:37:54,140
This poor baby bootie.
741
00:37:54,690 --> 00:37:58,690
It's always gonna be empty. There's
never gonna be a little foot in here.
742
00:37:58,860 --> 00:38:02,110
I don't understand. We would
have made such great parents.
743
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:04,490
Oh, my God.
744
00:38:04,860 --> 00:38:06,280
Oh, my God, Teddy!
745
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:07,320
What? What's wrong?
746
00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:08,700
Look at this.
747
00:38:08,870 --> 00:38:10,080
"Dear Ted,
748
00:38:10,370 --> 00:38:13,040
the state of Massachusetts
regrets to inform you
749
00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:16,160
that due to an oversight
regarding your legal status
750
00:38:16,710 --> 00:38:21,250
your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty
is unrecognized by the state
751
00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:24,260
and, therefore, invalid
and hereby annulled."
752
00:38:24,630 --> 00:38:26,430
Teddy, can they do this to us?
753
00:38:31,390 --> 00:38:33,060
This is a nightmare.
754
00:38:36,230 --> 00:38:37,560
You fucking believe that?
755
00:38:37,730 --> 00:38:39,730
No. This is insane.
756
00:38:39,900 --> 00:38:41,690
I mean, Tami's the woman I love.
757
00:38:41,900 --> 00:38:44,030
You know, I never would even
have tried to adopt a dog
758
00:38:44,110 --> 00:38:46,320
if I had known it was gonna cause
me this kind of shit storm.
759
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:48,160
This whole thing is complete bullshit.
760
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,280
I mean, if you ask me, we got to fight it.
761
00:38:50,820 --> 00:38:52,780
- What do you mean?
- I mean, we get a lawyer.
762
00:38:53,370 --> 00:38:54,660
Oh, my God. Can we do that?
763
00:38:54,790 --> 00:38:56,120
Hell yeah!
You know what we do?
764
00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:57,410
We'll get a lawyer and we'll sue
765
00:38:57,500 --> 00:38:59,080
the fucking government
for your civil rights!
766
00:38:59,210 --> 00:39:01,040
Johnny, that's a great idea!
767
00:39:01,210 --> 00:39:03,340
Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of
them Harrison Ford lawyers
768
00:39:03,420 --> 00:39:05,840
who gets shot in the head, then turns
all retarded and nice and goes,
769
00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:07,010
"What we're doing is wrong."
770
00:39:07,090 --> 00:39:09,220
Yes. You know what, we get out there
and we stick it to them good.
771
00:39:09,300 --> 00:39:11,350
We take that shit all the way
up to Judge Judy if we have to.
772
00:39:11,430 --> 00:39:12,470
Yeah.
773
00:39:12,550 --> 00:39:15,100
But we don't know any lawyers.
All our friends make sandwiches.
774
00:39:15,310 --> 00:39:17,600
- Oh, we just google "Boston lawyers."
- Ah.
775
00:39:19,060 --> 00:39:21,230
Jesus. Look at
that black cock.
776
00:39:41,380 --> 00:39:42,460
Uh...
777
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:46,090
This is a very complicated
case you have here.
778
00:39:46,170 --> 00:39:50,720
Most civil rights cases are, but this
one has some very obvious wrinkles.
779
00:39:51,010 --> 00:39:53,010
Well, everybody says
you're the best in town.
780
00:39:53,180 --> 00:39:56,810
Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap.
781
00:39:56,970 --> 00:39:58,980
What is your financial situation?
782
00:39:59,270 --> 00:40:02,230
Uh, all of our holdings are
tied up in the railroads.
783
00:40:02,310 --> 00:40:04,730
Yeah, Reading Railroad, B&O
Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.
784
00:40:04,820 --> 00:40:07,940
We're working on Short Line. Um, I own
Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.
785
00:40:08,030 --> 00:40:09,530
And I own four houses on Baltic Ave.
786
00:40:09,610 --> 00:40:11,610
I was thinking about just tearing
them down and building a hotel.
787
00:40:11,700 --> 00:40:14,410
I won second prize in a beauty contest.
That's $50 right there.
788
00:40:14,490 --> 00:40:16,410
Are you guys just saying Monopoly stuff?
789
00:40:16,700 --> 00:40:18,080
Tell you what, I'm gonna
go drive around the block,
790
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:19,540
and I'll be back with $200.
791
00:40:19,660 --> 00:40:21,670
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
792
00:40:21,830 --> 00:40:23,920
My niece recently passed her bar exam
793
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:27,130
and I've hired her on as a junior
associate here at the firm.
794
00:40:27,250 --> 00:40:29,590
I could assign her to your case, pro Bono.
795
00:40:29,710 --> 00:40:31,510
And then you would get
a hungry, young attorney
796
00:40:31,590 --> 00:40:34,850
and I would get a more
experienced lawyer in return.
797
00:40:35,140 --> 00:40:36,390
So what do you say to that?
798
00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:38,680
Yeah, sure, sounds great.
799
00:40:39,180 --> 00:40:41,480
Um, are those hard candies,
like, just to take?
800
00:40:42,390 --> 00:40:44,270
Uh, those aren't supposed to be out.
801
00:40:55,030 --> 00:40:56,030
Hello?
802
00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:58,290
Oh! Fuck!
803
00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:00,040
Hi.
804
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:01,120
You okay?
805
00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:02,790
Yeah! I'm fine.
806
00:41:02,870 --> 00:41:04,120
You must be Ted.
807
00:41:04,210 --> 00:41:06,130
Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted,
808
00:41:06,210 --> 00:41:07,630
- this is my buddy, John.
- Hi.
809
00:41:07,710 --> 00:41:11,210
Um, my uncle says that you
guys are my first clients.
810
00:41:11,550 --> 00:41:14,510
Uh, it's been discussed,
811
00:41:15,010 --> 00:41:16,680
but do you mind if I ask how old you are?
812
00:41:16,850 --> 00:41:18,350
I'm 26.
813
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:19,560
Ah.
814
00:41:19,810 --> 00:41:21,270
What, is there a problem?
815
00:41:21,350 --> 00:41:23,310
Well, you know, I just don't
want my lawyer singing.
816
00:41:23,390 --> 00:41:25,150
Frozen songs during the opening arguments.
817
00:41:25,230 --> 00:41:26,980
It's just this is a really important case.
818
00:41:27,060 --> 00:41:29,440
Ted has already lost his job,
his marriage has been annulled.
819
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:31,780
I know. My uncle
gave me all the details.
820
00:41:31,940 --> 00:41:34,070
Right. You see, the thing is, we
don't want to take any chances
821
00:41:34,150 --> 00:41:36,110
because the stakes are so significant.
822
00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:37,410
We can't just rush into anything.
823
00:41:37,490 --> 00:41:38,910
We got to make sure we're
making the right decision.
824
00:41:38,990 --> 00:41:40,330
We really appreciate your time,
825
00:41:40,410 --> 00:41:41,620
but I think what we're probably gonna do is
826
00:41:41,700 --> 00:41:43,250
just take a seat and get to work.
827
00:41:43,330 --> 00:41:44,330
Trust you completely.
828
00:41:44,410 --> 00:41:45,790
Yeah, we really feel like
you got a lot to offer.
829
00:41:48,210 --> 00:41:49,210
Sorry.
830
00:41:49,290 --> 00:41:50,420
You don't mind the pot, do you?
831
00:41:50,590 --> 00:41:51,630
I get migraines.
832
00:41:51,710 --> 00:41:53,170
- Oh, absolutely, me, too.
- That's fine.
833
00:41:53,260 --> 00:41:55,880
I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the
parking lot in about 20 minutes.
834
00:41:56,050 --> 00:41:57,800
Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.
835
00:41:57,970 --> 00:41:59,470
Ted. How are ya?
836
00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:01,350
- Good to meet you. John.
- Nice to meet you.
837
00:42:01,430 --> 00:42:02,970
Wait, wait, wait.
What's your middle name?
838
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:04,560
Leslie.
839
00:42:04,810 --> 00:42:07,850
Oh, my God! So you're Sam L. Jackson!
840
00:42:07,940 --> 00:42:09,810
That's fucking great!
Just like Sam L. Jackson!
841
00:42:09,940 --> 00:42:10,980
Who is that?
842
00:42:11,110 --> 00:42:14,110
You ever seen any movie ever?
He's the black guy.
843
00:42:16,950 --> 00:42:18,410
That weed is really good.
844
00:42:18,490 --> 00:42:19,870
It reminds me of the strain I smoked
845
00:42:19,950 --> 00:42:21,540
last summer called
"Here Comes Autism."
846
00:42:21,790 --> 00:42:24,200
Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort
of like this other batch we had called.
847
00:42:24,290 --> 00:42:25,910
"How Long Has
That Van Been There?"
848
00:42:26,250 --> 00:42:29,500
No, it's this new strain my dealer
gave me called "Help Me Get Home."
849
00:42:29,630 --> 00:42:31,750
You know, I'm surprised a
lawyer like you gets high.
850
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:33,210
I mean, aren't you supposed to be fighting
851
00:42:33,300 --> 00:42:34,760
the War on Drugs and all that shit?
852
00:42:35,010 --> 00:42:36,970
Please, the War on Drugs is a joke.
853
00:42:37,090 --> 00:42:38,390
It's just a way for the government
854
00:42:38,470 --> 00:42:39,890
to inflate law enforcement budgets
855
00:42:39,970 --> 00:42:42,600
and lock up minorities
for no good legal reason.
856
00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:45,270
And you, my friend,
are an oppressed minority.
857
00:42:45,430 --> 00:42:47,020
Yeah. No shit.
858
00:42:47,100 --> 00:42:49,310
They've denied you the same
rights as everybody else
859
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:50,690
just because you're different,
860
00:42:50,770 --> 00:42:53,400
and I say that's a violation
of the Constitution.
861
00:42:53,860 --> 00:42:55,990
So what do you say?
Can you get me my life back?
862
00:42:59,700 --> 00:43:01,120
I'm gonna try.
863
00:43:01,450 --> 00:43:02,910
Hey, guys?
864
00:43:02,990 --> 00:43:05,080
I'm having some trouble over here.
865
00:43:05,370 --> 00:43:06,370
What's the matter?
866
00:43:07,790 --> 00:43:09,210
Can you help me get home?
867
00:43:10,130 --> 00:43:12,250
I'm having a really hard time here, guys.
868
00:43:12,340 --> 00:43:13,960
Johnny, it's okay, buddy. It's okay.
869
00:43:14,050 --> 00:43:15,210
You're doing fine.
You're doing great.
870
00:43:15,300 --> 00:43:16,260
No, I'm scared. All right.
871
00:43:16,340 --> 00:43:18,220
I know. Come on,
it's okay, though.
872
00:43:18,300 --> 00:43:19,840
You just have to hang onto the wall.
873
00:43:21,260 --> 00:43:22,680
Don't let the goose get me!
874
00:43:23,180 --> 00:43:24,510
How far away does he live?
875
00:43:25,020 --> 00:43:26,180
Uh, about a mile-and-a-half.
876
00:43:26,390 --> 00:43:27,430
Fuck, okay.
877
00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:30,400
Hey, it's okay. One foot
in front of the other.
878
00:43:40,030 --> 00:43:43,410
All right, I got Dred Scott v.Sandford, Plessy v. Ferguson
879
00:43:43,490 --> 00:43:45,290
and Brown v.the Board of Education.
880
00:43:45,370 --> 00:43:49,710
I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs.Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
881
00:43:49,790 --> 00:43:53,080
I got, uh,Ernest Goes toCamp, Ernest Goes to Jail
882
00:43:53,170 --> 00:43:56,420
and The Importance of Being Earnest,
which was very disappointing.
883
00:44:17,980 --> 00:44:19,820
Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few test questions.
Are you ready?
884
00:44:19,900 --> 00:44:20,990
Yep, bring it on.
885
00:44:21,070 --> 00:44:22,700
You're on the stand, the DA says,
886
00:44:22,780 --> 00:44:24,950
"Ted, do you consider yourself
to be human?"
887
00:44:25,030 --> 00:44:26,160
- Objection!
- Sustained!
888
00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:27,240
No, the witness can't object.
889
00:44:27,330 --> 00:44:28,330
- Overruled!
- Sidebar?
890
00:44:28,410 --> 00:44:29,370
- Guilty!
- Speculation!
891
00:44:29,450 --> 00:44:30,960
- Hearsay! Briefcase!
- Bailiff! Disregard!
892
00:44:31,040 --> 00:44:32,540
- In my chambers!
- Stop beavering the witness!
893
00:44:32,670 --> 00:44:33,960
- I rest.
- We could totally be lawyers.
894
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:35,040
Bang.
895
00:46:00,170 --> 00:46:02,760
Oh, my God! I'm gonna
fall off the building.
896
00:46:08,340 --> 00:46:10,510
Your Name is Toby!
897
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:12,520
You're going to learn to say your name.
898
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:14,230
Let me hear you say it.
899
00:46:15,060 --> 00:46:16,350
What's your name?
900
00:46:17,650 --> 00:46:20,190
Kunta. Kunta Kinte.
901
00:46:20,650 --> 00:46:23,860
That's just like me. That's
exactly what I'm going through.
902
00:46:23,940 --> 00:46:25,360
Well, it's a little different.
903
00:46:25,700 --> 00:46:29,410
You know, Ted, if you legally become a
person, you're gonna need a last name.
904
00:46:29,870 --> 00:46:32,870
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, okay, I got one.
905
00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:34,120
Okay, what is it?
906
00:46:34,290 --> 00:46:35,870
Last name of a movie character.
907
00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:37,580
Ah!
908
00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:40,710
He knows where
this is going. Okay.
909
00:46:40,880 --> 00:46:42,170
- All right, you ready?
- Yep.
910
00:46:42,300 --> 00:46:44,380
- Go!
- Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine,
911
00:46:44,460 --> 00:46:46,670
Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo,
Griswold, Stifler, Bickle, Gump,
912
00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:48,640
Corleone, Wonka, Zhivago,
Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler,
913
00:46:48,720 --> 00:46:50,390
Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko,
Golightly, Higgins, Dolittle,
914
00:46:50,470 --> 00:46:52,180
Poppins, Bond, Blofeld,
Blutarsky, Lightyear, Soze,
915
00:46:52,260 --> 00:46:53,560
O'Hara, Butler, Dufresne,
Clouseau, McFly,
916
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:55,060
Baggins, Plissken, Ventura,
Montoya, Burgundy,
917
00:46:55,140 --> 00:46:56,560
Scissorhands, Drebin,
Striker, Bueller, Lector,
918
00:46:56,640 --> 00:46:58,230
Potter, Weasley, Dumbledore,
Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne,
919
00:46:58,310 --> 00:46:59,560
Von Trapp, Zoolander,
Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
920
00:46:59,650 --> 00:47:01,820
- Clubber Lang.
- Fucking...
921
00:47:02,070 --> 00:47:03,360
Who is Clubber Lang?
922
00:47:03,530 --> 00:47:04,570
Who's Clubber Lang?
923
00:47:04,650 --> 00:47:06,740
Mr. T's character in Rocky III. Hello?
924
00:47:07,240 --> 00:47:09,070
Is that the boxing movies?
925
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:10,240
The boxing...
926
00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:12,030
- You've never seen Rocky?
- She's not serious.
927
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:13,200
You've never seen Rocky?
928
00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:14,330
You know...
929
00:47:17,790 --> 00:47:18,830
You know, Rocky!
930
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:20,880
I'm not gonna remember
a movie I've never seen
931
00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:22,710
just because you're singing
a song I don't know.
932
00:47:22,790 --> 00:47:25,340
You don't know Samuel L. Jackson,
you don't know Rocky.
933
00:47:25,420 --> 00:47:27,380
You are literally pop culture illiterate.
934
00:47:27,470 --> 00:47:28,720
I have a college degree.
935
00:47:28,800 --> 00:47:31,340
My pop culture references are
Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray.
936
00:47:31,430 --> 00:47:34,930
- Ever heard of any of them?
- No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their ass!
937
00:47:35,010 --> 00:47:37,060
Yeah, Sam, you really need to be educated.
938
00:47:37,140 --> 00:47:41,350
Oh, really? Um, can either of you
tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
939
00:47:41,980 --> 00:47:43,150
- Judy Blume?
- Hitler?
940
00:47:43,230 --> 00:47:44,440
F. Scott Fitzgerald.
941
00:47:44,520 --> 00:47:46,820
- Who's that?
- The author.
942
00:47:46,900 --> 00:47:49,320
- Why are you saying, "Fuck him"?
- What?
943
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,950
You just said "Eff
Scott Fitzgerald."
944
00:47:51,030 --> 00:47:52,740
- What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
- Yeah.
945
00:47:52,820 --> 00:47:54,490
No, that's his first name.
946
00:47:54,580 --> 00:47:56,410
His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?
947
00:47:56,490 --> 00:47:58,960
- What? No.
- Well, then, what's the "F" stand for?
948
00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:00,040
Francis.
949
00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:01,620
- No. It's got to be "Fuck."
- It must be "Fuck."
950
00:48:01,710 --> 00:48:03,170
- It's got to be "Fuck."
- It has to be "Fuck."
951
00:48:03,250 --> 00:48:04,500
Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
952
00:48:04,590 --> 00:48:06,130
Well, because otherwise,
why wouldn't he just say it?
953
00:48:06,210 --> 00:48:07,550
Yeah, he's hiding
something. It's "Fuck."
954
00:48:07,670 --> 00:48:09,510
- Come on, read between the lines, Sam.
- It's "Fuck."
955
00:48:09,590 --> 00:48:11,890
That's completely
insane. You guys are idiots.
956
00:48:11,970 --> 00:48:15,010
Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang.
Get used to it.
957
00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:21,640
Yes!
958
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:24,520
Sir?
959
00:48:24,860 --> 00:48:27,730
Um, one of the janitors
would like to see you.
960
00:48:28,190 --> 00:48:29,240
I'm busy.
961
00:48:29,650 --> 00:48:31,280
Fresh cakes!
962
00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:33,240
What is it, Danny?
963
00:48:33,450 --> 00:48:34,740
Uh, Donny, sir.
964
00:48:34,820 --> 00:48:38,370
Well, Donny, I'm extremely busy
with the Comic Con presentation...
965
00:48:38,450 --> 00:48:40,710
I'm told that you have an
open-door policy here at Hasbro
966
00:48:40,790 --> 00:48:43,330
for new toy ideas
from any and all employees?
967
00:48:44,380 --> 00:48:46,130
Yeah, I suppose that's true.
968
00:48:47,380 --> 00:48:48,670
All right, come in.
969
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:50,300
Okay.
970
00:48:50,470 --> 00:48:53,050
Thank you. Thank you. I love your dress.
971
00:48:57,010 --> 00:48:58,850
I love these things!
972
00:48:59,810 --> 00:49:01,230
Look at this!
973
00:49:02,020 --> 00:49:03,140
Oh!
974
00:49:05,100 --> 00:49:07,520
- Don't touch my pony.
- Sorry.
975
00:49:10,690 --> 00:49:11,860
Mr. Jessup,
976
00:49:12,070 --> 00:49:14,490
I can make this company a billion dollars.
977
00:49:14,860 --> 00:49:16,030
I'm listening.
978
00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:18,200
Thirty years ago,
979
00:49:18,370 --> 00:49:20,660
a little boy named John Bennett made a wish
980
00:49:20,750 --> 00:49:23,000
that his teddy bear would come to life.
981
00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:25,420
Somehow, one of our Hasbro bears...
982
00:49:25,500 --> 00:49:27,210
Yes, I'm aware of the story.
983
00:49:29,050 --> 00:49:30,760
Have you seen this?
984
00:49:35,930 --> 00:49:37,010
So what?
985
00:49:37,100 --> 00:49:40,260
Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights.
986
00:49:40,430 --> 00:49:43,310
If he loses, the state
will officially declare him
987
00:49:43,390 --> 00:49:46,020
a non-entity with
no rights under the law.
988
00:49:46,560 --> 00:49:48,690
That means he becomes property.
989
00:49:49,150 --> 00:49:50,320
Mr. Jessup,
990
00:49:51,360 --> 00:49:55,570
we could take him back, with only a
trivial degree of legal consequence
991
00:49:55,660 --> 00:49:57,200
if we were even caught.
992
00:49:57,410 --> 00:49:58,990
And why would we do this?
993
00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:04,080
Sir, if we could cut him open
to see what makes him tick,
994
00:50:04,250 --> 00:50:08,380
we could manufacture millions of
Teds for every child in the world.
995
00:50:08,500 --> 00:50:11,090
Hasbro would double its profits overnight.
996
00:50:12,170 --> 00:50:13,210
Go on.
997
00:50:13,300 --> 00:50:16,090
We just have to make sure
Ted loses the case.
998
00:50:16,300 --> 00:50:19,350
You use every back channel, every bribe,
999
00:50:19,470 --> 00:50:20,720
you call in every favor
1000
00:50:20,810 --> 00:50:25,100
and you get the best lawyer
in the world on the defense.
1001
00:50:25,600 --> 00:50:28,650
When Ted's rights are officially null,
1002
00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:31,570
we grab him.
1003
00:50:32,980 --> 00:50:36,070
No one's going to kick up a
legal fuss over property.
1004
00:50:36,780 --> 00:50:39,990
You're a hell of a lot smarter
than your urinal cakes, Danny.
1005
00:50:40,450 --> 00:50:41,620
Really?
1006
00:50:41,780 --> 00:50:44,120
Now, what exactly do you want from this?
1007
00:50:44,830 --> 00:50:47,580
Mr. Jessup, I'm not interested in money.
1008
00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:52,340
I just want a Ted for my very own.
1009
00:50:53,500 --> 00:50:56,630
All right. I think I can
handle the defense.
1010
00:50:57,630 --> 00:50:59,220
But let's make one thing clear.
1011
00:50:59,300 --> 00:51:00,970
We never had this conversation.
1012
00:51:01,220 --> 00:51:04,640
Goldner and the board cannot know
about this until we have him.
1013
00:51:05,180 --> 00:51:06,560
Do you understand?
1014
00:51:06,640 --> 00:51:07,980
Yes, I do.
1015
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:13,520
I need Shep Wild.
1016
00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:18,950
That was such
a good dinner, Tami-Lynn.
1017
00:51:19,070 --> 00:51:20,910
I've never had Pringles on my steak before.
1018
00:51:20,990 --> 00:51:22,160
Oh, it's my pleasure.
1019
00:51:22,240 --> 00:51:25,620
It's the least I can do with all
you're doing for us. Really.
1020
00:51:25,700 --> 00:51:27,960
Oh, I haven't done anything yet.
1021
00:51:28,040 --> 00:51:29,750
Well, you know, we wanted
to take you out to dinner,
1022
00:51:29,830 --> 00:51:33,840
but, uh, all we got is Tami's income
these days since nobody will hire me.
1023
00:51:33,920 --> 00:51:35,380
Things are getting really tight, huh?
1024
00:51:35,510 --> 00:51:37,880
Yeah, I've had to do
some things I'm not proud of.
1025
00:51:38,170 --> 00:51:41,550
BJs here! Get your BJs!
Get your red-hot BJs!
1026
00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:44,430
Toothless and ready to go.
Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar!
1027
00:51:44,510 --> 00:51:45,850
Get your BJs here.
1028
00:51:46,270 --> 00:51:47,390
Wow.
1029
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:48,730
Hey, listen, I got an idea.
1030
00:51:48,810 --> 00:51:51,350
Uh, Tami, what do you say
you and me go do the dishes
1031
00:51:51,440 --> 00:51:53,980
and give Sam and Diane
here some alone time, eh?
1032
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:56,530
All right, all right.
1033
00:51:56,820 --> 00:51:59,240
Hey, you go pull a bad back, bitch!
1034
00:52:00,860 --> 00:52:02,280
What do you think that was about?
1035
00:52:02,570 --> 00:52:04,620
Oh, it's nothing. That's his way
of saying I should ask you out.
1036
00:52:04,700 --> 00:52:05,740
Ah.
1037
00:52:05,830 --> 00:52:06,910
Uh, yeah, look...
1038
00:52:06,990 --> 00:52:09,620
We should probably focus our
attention on the case for now.
1039
00:52:09,710 --> 00:52:11,330
I completely agree.
1040
00:52:12,380 --> 00:52:16,460
You know, I am a little bit curious. How
is it that a guy like you is unattached?
1041
00:52:17,590 --> 00:52:22,050
Well, I was married at one point,
but it just didn't work out.
1042
00:52:22,220 --> 00:52:24,390
Shits. I'm sorry. That sucks.
1043
00:52:24,550 --> 00:52:28,020
No. I mean, we'd make it work day to day,
1044
00:52:28,470 --> 00:52:30,100
but she was always just trying to change me
1045
00:52:30,180 --> 00:52:31,390
into someone I'm not.
1046
00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:33,270
And I tried, you know?
1047
00:52:34,110 --> 00:52:37,570
I really tried everything I could
to be the man that she wanted.
1048
00:52:38,070 --> 00:52:41,650
One day I woke up and I just
realized I wasn't myself anymore.
1049
00:52:42,490 --> 00:52:46,580
You know, as much as I love this person,
we're completely wrong for each other.
1050
00:52:47,330 --> 00:52:49,500
At least you figured it out early.
1051
00:52:49,790 --> 00:52:51,330
Some people go through their whole lives
1052
00:52:51,410 --> 00:52:53,250
trying to make it work
with the wrong person.
1053
00:52:53,830 --> 00:52:55,080
Yeah.
1054
00:52:56,380 --> 00:52:57,800
So, we're gonna win this thing?
1055
00:52:58,250 --> 00:53:00,130
Honestly, I don't know.
1056
00:53:00,510 --> 00:53:02,010
Oh, we're betting on you.
1057
00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:05,220
Hey, Johnny, come on. It's almost 7:00.
We got to get up there.
1058
00:53:05,300 --> 00:53:06,600
Hey, Sam, you want in on this?
1059
00:53:07,810 --> 00:53:10,810
On Tuesday nights, we get fucked
up and throw apples at joggers.
1060
00:53:14,980 --> 00:53:16,020
Oh, there's one!
1061
00:53:17,690 --> 00:53:19,070
- How's your workout?
- Fuck you!
1062
00:53:19,150 --> 00:53:21,030
- Eat my pussy!
- Have some apples!
1063
00:53:21,110 --> 00:53:22,610
Jesus, what the hell is your problem?
1064
00:53:23,110 --> 00:53:25,320
It's everybody else's fault, Mary Decker!
1065
00:53:25,740 --> 00:53:26,820
Bam!
1066
00:53:26,910 --> 00:53:29,080
You sons of bitches! What the
fuck is your...
1067
00:53:32,330 --> 00:53:34,460
That's the lottery!
That's the lottery!
1068
00:53:34,540 --> 00:53:37,170
That's what you get for fucking exercising!
1069
00:53:37,630 --> 00:53:39,380
That is unbelievable!
1070
00:54:13,830 --> 00:54:14,910
Teddy.
1071
00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:17,420
Teddy, I'm scared.
1072
00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:18,750
Baby, we're gonna be fine.
1073
00:54:18,830 --> 00:54:22,050
I don't care what any fucking piece
of paper says. You're my wife.
1074
00:54:22,420 --> 00:54:24,170
I love you so much.
1075
00:54:24,260 --> 00:54:25,510
And I swear to God, if we lose,
1076
00:54:25,590 --> 00:54:27,180
I'm gonna fucking cut that judge.
1077
00:54:27,340 --> 00:54:28,890
Wait a minute.
You brought your switchblade?
1078
00:54:28,970 --> 00:54:29,970
Yeah.
1079
00:54:30,050 --> 00:54:32,430
But they patted us down on the way in here.
Where'd you even hide it?
1080
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:33,930
Oh!
1081
00:54:35,180 --> 00:54:36,230
Hey, Sam.
1082
00:54:37,020 --> 00:54:38,600
Who's that buttnut over there?
1083
00:54:41,070 --> 00:54:44,190
That is why we've been working so hard.
That's Shep Wild.
1084
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:46,030
It's our bad luck
they put him on the trial.
1085
00:54:46,700 --> 00:54:48,490
He's never lost a case in his life.
1086
00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:52,830
Mr. Wild, your opening
statement, if you please.
1087
00:54:53,120 --> 00:54:54,500
Thank you, Your Honor.
1088
00:54:55,410 --> 00:54:58,210
I would first like to thank the
ladies and gentlemen of the jury
1089
00:54:58,580 --> 00:55:01,380
for taking time out of their busy schedules
1090
00:55:01,790 --> 00:55:03,630
to be a part of these proceedings.
1091
00:55:04,090 --> 00:55:09,300
Now, the case we'll be examining
today is really quite a simple one.
1092
00:55:09,680 --> 00:55:11,930
Is Ted a human being?
1093
00:55:12,390 --> 00:55:13,970
Or a piece of property?
1094
00:55:14,810 --> 00:55:20,600
You know, it really is a very special,
very unique thing to be human.
1095
00:55:21,310 --> 00:55:25,190
It's a gift from God bestowed
upon only one species.
1096
00:55:25,650 --> 00:55:26,690
Us.
1097
00:55:27,320 --> 00:55:30,110
But if we suddenly decide
to share that gift,
1098
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:32,580
where does that lead us?
1099
00:55:33,240 --> 00:55:35,240
Does your dog deserve human rights?
1100
00:55:35,750 --> 00:55:37,040
Your cat?
1101
00:55:37,120 --> 00:55:38,540
Your toaster?
1102
00:55:41,750 --> 00:55:44,960
Suddenly, being human doesn't
seem so special anymore, does it?
1103
00:55:46,130 --> 00:55:48,840
I'm confident you'll
make the right decision.
1104
00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:52,640
Thank you, Mr. Wild,
for your opening statement.
1105
00:55:53,010 --> 00:55:54,220
Ms. Jackson?
1106
00:56:00,140 --> 00:56:01,350
Hi.
1107
00:56:02,270 --> 00:56:04,150
I am Samantha Jackson.
1108
00:56:04,610 --> 00:56:06,820
I got to be honest
with you. I'm...
1109
00:56:07,610 --> 00:56:09,530
I'm a little nervous.
1110
00:56:09,990 --> 00:56:11,660
Why am I nervous? Um...
1111
00:56:12,740 --> 00:56:16,290
Well, not because I'm a junior
attorney arguing her first case.
1112
00:56:16,950 --> 00:56:18,540
And not because some of you might laugh
1113
00:56:18,620 --> 00:56:21,330
at the fact that
I'm representing a teddy bear.
1114
00:56:24,130 --> 00:56:28,420
No, I'm... I'm nervous
because of one simple word.
1115
00:56:30,880 --> 00:56:32,130
"Justice."
1116
00:56:33,050 --> 00:56:37,720
I'm nervous that you're going to be swayed
1117
00:56:37,890 --> 00:56:40,890
by smooth talk and a haircut,
1118
00:56:41,140 --> 00:56:45,270
and forget about the most
important aspect of this case.
1119
00:56:46,650 --> 00:56:47,820
Justice.
1120
00:56:49,570 --> 00:56:50,950
A hundred and fifty years ago
1121
00:56:51,070 --> 00:56:53,410
a slave by the name of Dred Scott
1122
00:56:53,490 --> 00:56:57,080
sued to prove that he was a person
and not a piece of property.
1123
00:56:57,540 --> 00:56:58,990
He lost.
1124
00:56:59,250 --> 00:57:03,250
And as history has shown
us, that wasn't justice.
1125
00:57:05,540 --> 00:57:08,210
In every civil rights conflict,
1126
00:57:08,880 --> 00:57:12,930
we are only able to recognize
the just point of view
1127
00:57:13,010 --> 00:57:14,840
years after the fact.
1128
00:57:15,340 --> 00:57:17,510
And when the next conflict comes along,
1129
00:57:17,680 --> 00:57:20,680
we're once again blind
to it as it's happening.
1130
00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:25,100
"Well, this is different,"
we say, but it isn't.
1131
00:57:26,270 --> 00:57:29,440
It is the same beast, just
wearing a different face,
1132
00:57:29,530 --> 00:57:31,150
and it's happening again today.
1133
00:57:32,700 --> 00:57:35,910
So I urge you, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
1134
00:57:36,070 --> 00:57:39,200
not to be a footnote
on the wrong side of history.
1135
00:57:41,870 --> 00:57:44,040
Don't wait too long to be right.
1136
00:57:45,710 --> 00:57:46,790
Thank you.
1137
00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:51,880
Erection.
1138
00:57:52,050 --> 00:57:53,590
Sustained.
1139
00:57:56,220 --> 00:57:59,220
Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently
considered adopting a child.
1140
00:57:59,310 --> 00:58:00,350
Is that correct?
1141
00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:01,770
Yeah.
1142
00:58:02,180 --> 00:58:03,480
And if I may inquire,
1143
00:58:03,560 --> 00:58:05,810
why did you not choose to
have a child of your own?
1144
00:58:06,520 --> 00:58:08,020
Because Teddy ain't got no dick.
1145
00:58:11,780 --> 00:58:12,820
Uh-huh.
1146
00:58:12,900 --> 00:58:17,620
And, uh, why does Ted not
possess a, uh, male appendage?
1147
00:58:18,070 --> 00:58:19,450
Is it a freak of genetics?
1148
00:58:19,740 --> 00:58:22,160
No, asshole, he ain't got a dick
because he's a fucking toy!
1149
00:58:22,240 --> 00:58:23,290
What's your excuse?
1150
00:58:23,410 --> 00:58:25,040
Whoa-ho! Take a burn!
1151
00:58:25,120 --> 00:58:27,580
Yeah! How's your tongue taste
in your own ass, Poindexter?
1152
00:58:27,670 --> 00:58:28,880
Yeah! How'd you...
What?
1153
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:30,710
Order!
1154
00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:33,010
Mr. Bennett,
1155
00:58:33,590 --> 00:58:36,760
how would you categorize
your relationship with Ted?
1156
00:58:37,680 --> 00:58:38,930
He's my best friend.
1157
00:58:39,350 --> 00:58:41,430
So you don't see him as your property.
1158
00:58:41,760 --> 00:58:44,390
No, he's not my property.
He's a person.
1159
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:46,480
He's way more of a person
than lots of other people.
1160
00:58:46,560 --> 00:58:47,940
I mean, fucking Steven Tyler?
1161
00:58:48,020 --> 00:58:49,270
What the fuck is that?
Some kind of
1162
00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:50,940
weird soccer-mom-looking
Goonie monster?
1163
00:58:51,020 --> 00:58:52,530
- Your Honor?
- I'll allow it.
1164
00:58:52,860 --> 00:58:54,320
Thank you, Your Honor.
1165
00:58:54,990 --> 00:58:56,450
Your witness.
1166
00:58:59,950 --> 00:59:01,160
Mr. Bennett,
1167
00:59:02,030 --> 00:59:04,290
when and where did you first encounter Ted?
1168
00:59:04,790 --> 00:59:07,120
Oh, what do you mean? My parents
got him for me when I was a kid.
1169
00:59:07,250 --> 00:59:09,330
A-ha. They "got him."
1170
00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:12,290
Where did they get him?
1171
00:59:15,130 --> 00:59:16,380
Child World toy store.
1172
00:59:16,470 --> 00:59:18,380
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that.
Could you repeat that, please?
1173
00:59:18,470 --> 00:59:20,090
Child World toy store.
You fucking heard me.
1174
00:59:20,180 --> 00:59:21,550
There's no need for hostility,
Mr. Bennett.
1175
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:22,930
Why? Nobody here likes you!
1176
00:59:23,010 --> 00:59:25,060
I saw you eating lunch alone!
You're a loser!
1177
00:59:25,140 --> 00:59:26,230
- Your Honor?
- Mr. Bennett.
1178
00:59:26,310 --> 00:59:27,690
I hope your kids get bird flu!
1179
00:59:27,810 --> 00:59:28,810
Mr. Bennett!
1180
00:59:28,890 --> 00:59:29,900
I'm sorry.
1181
00:59:30,150 --> 00:59:33,190
Now, you said your parents purchased Ted,
1182
00:59:33,360 --> 00:59:36,650
as one might purchase a
baseball glove or a Big Wheel.
1183
00:59:36,740 --> 00:59:37,900
No, it's not like that!
1184
00:59:37,990 --> 00:59:38,990
Objection!
1185
00:59:39,070 --> 00:59:40,280
You can't do that!
1186
00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:41,570
You know what?
This is bullshit!
1187
00:59:41,660 --> 00:59:43,410
This court is trying to tell me
1188
00:59:43,490 --> 00:59:44,870
that I'm not as good as other people,
1189
00:59:44,990 --> 00:59:47,160
and this is exactly what
you've been doing to the fags!
1190
00:59:47,250 --> 00:59:48,250
Ted!
1191
00:59:48,330 --> 00:59:49,290
Sorry, sorry.
The homos, the homos.
1192
00:59:49,370 --> 00:59:50,920
This is exactly what you've been doing
1193
00:59:51,000 --> 00:59:52,500
to the homos, and I say it's wrong!
1194
00:59:52,590 --> 00:59:55,170
Ms. Jackson,
please control your client
1195
00:59:55,250 --> 00:59:57,340
or I'll hold both of you
in contempt of court!
1196
00:59:57,420 --> 00:59:58,510
Oh, piss off!
1197
00:59:58,590 --> 01:00:01,260
I'm standing up for me and I'm
standing up for the homos!
1198
01:00:01,340 --> 01:00:02,430
We deserve respect!
1199
01:00:02,510 --> 01:00:03,510
Ted, shut up!
1200
01:00:03,640 --> 01:00:04,890
Fine.
1201
01:00:14,150 --> 01:00:16,610
Your Honor, I'd like to call
Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.
1202
01:00:16,690 --> 01:00:17,690
Yes!
1203
01:00:17,990 --> 01:00:19,950
My turn, assholes!
1204
01:00:25,160 --> 01:00:26,200
Ted,
1205
01:00:26,950 --> 01:00:28,160
do you love your wife?
1206
01:00:28,250 --> 01:00:31,370
Objection. She's not his wife.
The marriage was annulled.
1207
01:00:31,580 --> 01:00:33,040
I'll rephrase.
1208
01:00:34,170 --> 01:00:35,630
Do you love Tami-Lynn?
1209
01:00:36,050 --> 01:00:39,130
I love my wife. Okay?
My wife.
1210
01:00:39,210 --> 01:00:40,630
More than anything in the world.
1211
01:00:40,720 --> 01:00:42,930
We're married. I don't
care what anybody says.
1212
01:00:43,340 --> 01:00:46,890
So you're saying you are
capable of feeling love.
1213
01:00:47,260 --> 01:00:48,430
Yeah.
1214
01:00:48,770 --> 01:00:50,390
Hey, it must be weird for you guys,
1215
01:00:50,480 --> 01:00:51,850
having a doll up here on the stand
1216
01:00:51,940 --> 01:00:54,150
with no kid pointing to where
his uncle touched him, huh?
1217
01:00:55,440 --> 01:00:56,610
Yeah, no, yeah, no.
1218
01:00:56,690 --> 01:00:59,650
Yeah, I am capable.
I love a lot of stuff. Yeah.
1219
01:01:00,240 --> 01:01:04,370
Ted, do you believe you have a soul?
1220
01:01:05,740 --> 01:01:08,120
♪ What did you think ♪
1221
01:01:08,540 --> 01:01:11,120
♪ I would do at this moment ♪
1222
01:01:11,580 --> 01:01:14,420
♪ When you're standing before me ♪
1223
01:01:14,500 --> 01:01:17,210
♪ With tears in your eyes ♪
1224
01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:19,340
That answer your question?
1225
01:01:19,420 --> 01:01:20,880
Objection. Your Honor?
1226
01:01:21,090 --> 01:01:22,840
Overruled!
1227
01:01:23,010 --> 01:01:26,140
A-ha! What it is, man!
Dynomite.
1228
01:01:26,430 --> 01:01:28,260
- Ted.
- Right, right. Sorry, sorry.
1229
01:01:29,430 --> 01:01:32,480
Look, I'm not a scientist, okay?
1230
01:01:33,100 --> 01:01:36,440
I don't know exactly what
makes a person a person.
1231
01:01:36,610 --> 01:01:39,070
All I know is I feel stuff.
1232
01:01:39,570 --> 01:01:40,940
Just like all you guys.
1233
01:01:42,030 --> 01:01:44,450
And I don't think I ought to
be treated any different.
1234
01:01:48,450 --> 01:01:49,950
Capable of love.
1235
01:01:51,120 --> 01:01:53,160
Aware of his own consciousness.
1236
01:01:55,960 --> 01:01:57,670
Seems pretty human to me.
1237
01:01:58,630 --> 01:02:00,550
No further questions.
1238
01:02:01,260 --> 01:02:02,300
Mr. Kidder,
1239
01:02:02,550 --> 01:02:06,800
you were an employee at Hasbro from
1976 to 1998. Is that correct?
1240
01:02:06,970 --> 01:02:09,890
Yes, I supervised the
stuffing of the teddy bears.
1241
01:02:10,350 --> 01:02:11,890
And what is that stuffing made of?
1242
01:02:11,970 --> 01:02:14,390
A synthetic cotton-poly blend.
1243
01:02:14,560 --> 01:02:16,230
Is there anything else in there?
1244
01:02:16,560 --> 01:02:20,480
The bear products are affixed with
an electronic device in the chest
1245
01:02:20,820 --> 01:02:23,940
which can be programmed to
say any one of five phrases.
1246
01:02:25,490 --> 01:02:26,490
Hmm.
1247
01:02:29,580 --> 01:02:30,660
Ted,
1248
01:02:31,660 --> 01:02:33,410
would you please press your chest?
1249
01:02:35,620 --> 01:02:36,670
What?
1250
01:02:37,120 --> 01:02:39,840
Please follow the instruction,
Mr. Clubber Lang.
1251
01:02:45,010 --> 01:02:46,510
I love you!
1252
01:02:56,890 --> 01:02:58,270
No further questions.
1253
01:03:01,020 --> 01:03:02,860
Also in the news, a pending court case
1254
01:03:02,980 --> 01:03:05,030
is beginning to get national attention
1255
01:03:05,110 --> 01:03:07,070
for its civil rights ramifications.
1256
01:03:07,200 --> 01:03:09,070
Ted, the bear, who some of you may remember
1257
01:03:09,160 --> 01:03:12,660
came to life back in the
mid-'80s right here in Boston,
1258
01:03:12,830 --> 01:03:15,830
is suing to prove he is indeed a person.
1259
01:03:16,120 --> 01:03:18,620
Okay, so what are we
even talking about here?
1260
01:03:18,710 --> 01:03:22,590
What we're talking about is a civil
rights issue. This bear has rights.
1261
01:03:22,670 --> 01:03:24,630
- Oh, come on!
- He does not! He's a toy.
1262
01:03:24,710 --> 01:03:26,220
Then why are you calling it a "he"?
1263
01:03:26,300 --> 01:03:28,630
Look, we call the Statue of Liberty "she,"
1264
01:03:28,720 --> 01:03:32,050
but we all know it's an object
made of copper and steel.
1265
01:03:32,140 --> 01:03:33,220
Oh, good point.
1266
01:03:33,220 --> 01:03:36,640
- Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient. He is.
- Mmm-hmm.
1267
01:03:37,060 --> 01:03:38,060
Now, come on!
1268
01:03:38,190 --> 01:03:39,770
Are any of you gonna sit there and tell me
1269
01:03:39,900 --> 01:03:41,480
that this stuffed doll is a person?
1270
01:03:41,560 --> 01:03:42,610
- No.
- Not at all.
1271
01:03:42,730 --> 01:03:43,900
We all agree all the time.
1272
01:03:44,190 --> 01:03:45,820
So, of course, the big story out of Boston
1273
01:03:45,900 --> 01:03:48,950
is that Ted, the bear, is suing
to prove that he's a person.
1274
01:03:49,400 --> 01:03:51,450
Legal experts are closely
watching this case.
1275
01:03:51,570 --> 01:03:52,910
They said if Ted wins,
1276
01:03:53,030 --> 01:03:55,790
Donald Trump's hair would look to
quickly file a similar lawsuit.
1277
01:03:56,080 --> 01:03:59,410
So, I think it might be real.
1278
01:03:59,540 --> 01:04:01,830
I don't think he should want
to be considered a person.
1279
01:04:01,920 --> 01:04:03,790
After all, you know, Ted spent many years
1280
01:04:03,920 --> 01:04:05,670
sleeping and cuddling with a child.
1281
01:04:05,750 --> 01:04:07,590
That's cute when you're a stuffed animal.
1282
01:04:07,710 --> 01:04:09,680
When you're a person, that's a felony.
1283
01:04:11,550 --> 01:04:13,050
This sounds like a silly case,
1284
01:04:13,140 --> 01:04:15,180
but this is actually a really big case.
1285
01:04:15,260 --> 01:04:16,890
The last time someone named Ted
1286
01:04:16,970 --> 01:04:18,600
made this much news in Massachusetts,
1287
01:04:18,770 --> 01:04:20,560
he drove a chick into a lake.
1288
01:04:22,770 --> 01:04:25,690
Ted, do you have anything
to say in your own defense?
1289
01:04:26,070 --> 01:04:30,450
I am not an animal!
1290
01:04:33,990 --> 01:04:35,240
You see, Your Honor?
1291
01:04:35,330 --> 01:04:36,660
He's not an animal.
1292
01:04:45,040 --> 01:04:47,590
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I'm on my period.
1293
01:04:48,260 --> 01:04:53,760
And live from New York, it's
Saturday Night!
1294
01:05:11,280 --> 01:05:13,200
What is taking them so long?
1295
01:05:13,280 --> 01:05:15,070
Oh, is it bad that
they're taking this long?
1296
01:05:15,160 --> 01:05:16,780
It's not good or bad.
It just means
1297
01:05:16,870 --> 01:05:18,330
that they're probably having a debate.
1298
01:05:18,790 --> 01:05:21,160
Johnny, it may be time
to play the Betelgeuse card.
1299
01:05:21,250 --> 01:05:22,250
What do you mean?
1300
01:05:22,330 --> 01:05:23,920
I mean saying his name three times.
1301
01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:25,040
What?
1302
01:05:25,130 --> 01:05:26,290
Betelgeuse.
Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.
1303
01:05:26,380 --> 01:05:27,460
Shut up!
1304
01:05:27,630 --> 01:05:28,880
You fucking crazy?
We don't want
1305
01:05:28,960 --> 01:05:30,130
that guy running around in here.
1306
01:05:30,210 --> 01:05:31,380
No, Johnny, he'll be on our side.
1307
01:05:31,470 --> 01:05:32,800
He'll help us.
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse...
1308
01:05:32,880 --> 01:05:35,470
You are meddling with powers
you do not understand.
1309
01:05:35,550 --> 01:05:36,640
Cut the shit.
1310
01:05:48,820 --> 01:05:49,900
Please be seated.
1311
01:05:52,780 --> 01:05:55,570
Mr. Willer, has the jury
reached a verdict?
1312
01:05:55,820 --> 01:05:57,660
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
1313
01:05:58,330 --> 01:06:02,410
Um, in the case of Ted v. TheCommonwealth of Massachusetts,
1314
01:06:02,540 --> 01:06:07,830
we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth
in that Ted is not a person.
1315
01:06:20,140 --> 01:06:21,180
Very well.
1316
01:06:21,390 --> 01:06:24,230
The plaintiff is hereby
legally deemed property.
1317
01:06:24,770 --> 01:06:27,350
The definition entails the rights thereof
1318
01:06:27,440 --> 01:06:29,900
and will be recognized in the terms set
1319
01:06:29,980 --> 01:06:32,360
by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
1320
01:06:32,440 --> 01:06:35,530
The court wishes to thank
the jury for its service.
1321
01:06:42,700 --> 01:06:44,620
Are you sure you can get him?
1322
01:06:44,790 --> 01:06:46,710
Remember, you're on your own out there.
1323
01:06:46,790 --> 01:06:48,670
Hasbro can have no connection to this.
1324
01:06:48,830 --> 01:06:50,340
Oh, I'll get him.
1325
01:06:50,790 --> 01:06:52,880
And when I have him, I'll call
you with the code phrase.
1326
01:06:54,210 --> 01:06:55,840
Do you remember what it is?
1327
01:06:56,220 --> 01:06:57,430
Yes, I remember it.
1328
01:06:57,590 --> 01:06:58,840
Should we say it just for safety?
1329
01:06:58,930 --> 01:06:59,930
No, that's not necessary.
1330
01:07:00,010 --> 01:07:00,970
Say it. Just say it.
Say it.
1331
01:07:01,050 --> 01:07:02,220
I don't want to.
I don't have to.
1332
01:07:02,350 --> 01:07:03,390
Fresh cakes.
1333
01:07:04,310 --> 01:07:05,560
Fresh cakes.
1334
01:07:14,070 --> 01:07:15,990
This isn't fucking fair.
1335
01:07:16,150 --> 01:07:17,990
Teddy's a good man.
1336
01:07:18,410 --> 01:07:20,950
Why is he being treated
differently than everybody else?
1337
01:07:21,370 --> 01:07:23,580
It's what this country does best.
1338
01:07:23,660 --> 01:07:25,660
Putting different people into little groups
1339
01:07:25,750 --> 01:07:27,120
and making them watch Tyler Perry.
1340
01:07:27,210 --> 01:07:28,420
It's wrong!
1341
01:07:29,790 --> 01:07:31,170
I'm so sorry, baby.
1342
01:07:31,420 --> 01:07:34,760
No, I'm sorry! I thought
I'd built a better case.
1343
01:07:34,960 --> 01:07:36,010
It's just...
1344
01:07:36,090 --> 01:07:38,340
The reality is you have
a really shitty lawyer.
1345
01:07:38,470 --> 01:07:39,510
Hey, come on.
1346
01:07:39,590 --> 01:07:42,260
Nobody's blaming you for this.
You did everything you could.
1347
01:07:42,390 --> 01:07:44,430
I... I'm sitting here
1348
01:07:44,510 --> 01:07:46,850
and I...
I can't believe it's official.
1349
01:07:47,310 --> 01:07:48,850
Oh, so what are we gonna do now?
1350
01:07:48,940 --> 01:07:51,770
I mean, we can't take this lying down, right?
We got to do something.
1351
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:55,280
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.
1352
01:07:55,440 --> 01:07:56,530
Who's that?
1353
01:07:56,820 --> 01:07:59,490
He is the top civil rights
attorney in America.
1354
01:07:59,610 --> 01:08:02,030
Wait. Is he the one who got that
female midget into the Marines?
1355
01:08:02,120 --> 01:08:03,120
Yeah.
1356
01:08:03,200 --> 01:08:04,530
Yeah, that had a sad ending
though, you remember?
1357
01:08:04,620 --> 01:08:05,990
She was at a Veterans Day parade,
1358
01:08:06,080 --> 01:08:07,330
and somebody handed her a bunch of balloons
1359
01:08:07,410 --> 01:08:08,580
and...
Gone!
1360
01:08:08,790 --> 01:08:10,750
It was very sad.
Very sad for the family.
1361
01:08:10,920 --> 01:08:13,380
You know what? If anyone can get
this verdict overturned, it's him.
1362
01:08:13,460 --> 01:08:14,540
He's not cheap,
1363
01:08:14,630 --> 01:08:16,710
but we've become such a high profile case,
1364
01:08:16,800 --> 01:08:19,050
I feel like he might take it pro Bono.
1365
01:08:19,130 --> 01:08:20,550
He's a sucker for media.
1366
01:08:24,350 --> 01:08:26,060
Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh?
1367
01:08:26,140 --> 01:08:27,640
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1368
01:08:28,810 --> 01:08:31,390
Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan.
This is Samantha Jackson.
1369
01:08:31,480 --> 01:08:34,820
I defended Ted Clubber Lang
in Ted v. Massachusetts.
1370
01:08:35,730 --> 01:08:36,730
Hey!
1371
01:08:36,820 --> 01:08:40,860
Hi, Mr. Meighan. Thank you
so much for taking my call.
1372
01:08:42,660 --> 01:08:45,410
Oh, you've been following
the case. That's great.
1373
01:08:46,450 --> 01:08:48,330
Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling.
1374
01:08:48,410 --> 01:08:50,250
Yeah, I was wondering
1375
01:08:50,330 --> 01:08:54,670
if, um, maybe you would consider helping
us try to overturn the verdict.
1376
01:08:56,550 --> 01:09:00,510
Well, yeah. I mean, it would
have to be a pro Bono situation
1377
01:09:00,590 --> 01:09:02,760
because we're not really
working with much money.
1378
01:09:02,840 --> 01:09:05,050
But I think you'll be
impressed with my client.
1379
01:09:05,140 --> 01:09:06,930
- Oh!
- Ha-ha! Motherfucker!
1380
01:09:07,010 --> 01:09:08,270
Sure.
1381
01:09:08,350 --> 01:09:11,640
Yeah, great.
Okay. Thank you so much!
1382
01:09:11,730 --> 01:09:14,060
Okay, I'll see you
then. Bye.
1383
01:09:14,350 --> 01:09:15,520
Oh, my God!
1384
01:09:15,610 --> 01:09:17,480
He said he'll meet with
us on Friday at 9:00 a.m.
1385
01:09:17,570 --> 01:09:18,980
at his office in New York.
1386
01:09:19,070 --> 01:09:20,280
Is he gonna take the case?
1387
01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:22,400
I don't want to jinx it, but I think so.
1388
01:09:22,570 --> 01:09:24,700
Oh, my God! You hear that, Johnny?
1389
01:09:24,780 --> 01:09:25,990
- I still get a shot!
- Yes!
1390
01:09:26,070 --> 01:09:27,700
Oh, my God!
We got to celebrate!
1391
01:09:27,870 --> 01:09:28,950
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
1392
01:09:29,040 --> 01:09:31,370
Let's go down to the improv
and yell sad suggestions?
1393
01:09:31,450 --> 01:09:32,460
Fuck yeah!
1394
01:09:32,540 --> 01:09:35,540
So first we need a historical event.
Who's got an event?
1395
01:09:35,710 --> 01:09:36,710
9/11.
1396
01:09:36,880 --> 01:09:39,380
Okay, maybe something else.
1397
01:09:39,550 --> 01:09:41,130
All right, let's start with a person.
1398
01:09:41,210 --> 01:09:42,300
Robin Williams!
1399
01:09:42,470 --> 01:09:45,680
Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real.
Who's got a person?
1400
01:09:45,760 --> 01:09:47,640
Robin Williams on 9/11.
1401
01:09:47,720 --> 01:09:49,470
All right, we've heard from these guys.
1402
01:09:49,560 --> 01:09:52,310
Let's maybe give somebody
else over here a chance.
1403
01:09:52,390 --> 01:09:54,190
How about a location?
Let's go with a location.
1404
01:09:54,270 --> 01:09:56,230
The offices of Charlie Hebdo.
1405
01:09:56,520 --> 01:09:59,400
Okay, seriously, sir, uh,
I just need a location.
1406
01:09:59,480 --> 01:10:00,690
Ferguson, Missouri.
1407
01:10:00,780 --> 01:10:02,150
Germanwings cockpit.
1408
01:10:02,320 --> 01:10:04,280
- Okay, I heard "Starbucks."
- No, you didn't.
1409
01:10:04,360 --> 01:10:05,530
Nobody said "Starbucks."
1410
01:10:05,610 --> 01:10:08,740
All right, Starbucks. Okay,
now, who's in the Starbucks?
1411
01:10:08,910 --> 01:10:10,080
Bill Cosby.
1412
01:10:10,240 --> 01:10:11,410
You people are monsters.
1413
01:10:11,660 --> 01:10:13,160
We're giving you the tools, buddy.
1414
01:10:13,250 --> 01:10:14,750
Come on, make some fucking comedy.
1415
01:10:26,090 --> 01:10:28,140
All right. We'll be back
tomorrow afternoon.
1416
01:10:28,300 --> 01:10:30,310
I love you so much, Teddy.
1417
01:10:30,470 --> 01:10:33,810
You go kick some ass because I am
not taking off this wedding ring.
1418
01:10:33,980 --> 01:10:37,100
I love you too, baby.
I'll see you soon.
1419
01:11:21,690 --> 01:11:23,690
♪ If you wanna sit
there with a pie of meat ♪
1420
01:11:23,780 --> 01:11:25,990
♪ Just fuck your own brother
in the front seat ♪
1421
01:11:26,070 --> 01:11:28,860
♪ Oh, why can't you
just say please? ♪
1422
01:11:28,950 --> 01:11:31,450
♪ Hey! Must be the money ♪
1423
01:11:32,160 --> 01:11:34,740
Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel
bag that says "Arizona State"?
1424
01:11:34,830 --> 01:11:36,200
Because that's where I went to school.
1425
01:11:36,330 --> 01:11:38,370
What, you went to Arizona State?
1426
01:11:38,460 --> 01:11:39,460
Yeah, why?
1427
01:11:39,540 --> 01:11:41,580
Oh, man, that's why we lost the case.
1428
01:11:41,670 --> 01:11:42,750
- Hello?
- You're dicks.
1429
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:46,090
Arizona State. Hey, how many times
you been fucked on a houseboat?
1430
01:11:48,260 --> 01:11:49,340
Oh, come on.
1431
01:11:49,430 --> 01:11:50,590
Did you write your dissertation
1432
01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:53,010
on the collected works of, uh, Red Bull?
1433
01:11:53,180 --> 01:11:55,180
Yeah. Yeah, I did. I got an A on it.
1434
01:11:55,430 --> 01:11:59,560
So do you say "Arizona State
University" or do you just say "HPVU"?
1435
01:12:04,400 --> 01:12:06,940
This is perfect. We're gonna
get to the city before 10:00.
1436
01:12:07,360 --> 01:12:09,150
Hey, Sam, how's your boring salad?
1437
01:12:09,240 --> 01:12:10,700
Mmm, it's actually delicious.
1438
01:12:10,860 --> 01:12:12,780
Everybody always says
that about their salad.
1439
01:12:12,870 --> 01:12:14,120
They're all a bunch of fucking liars.
1440
01:12:14,280 --> 01:12:16,160
No, I love it.
It's really good.
1441
01:12:16,240 --> 01:12:18,580
Have some Cookie Crisp. You
need something nutritional.
1442
01:12:18,710 --> 01:12:20,040
Why do you think I want your Cookie Crisp?
1443
01:12:20,120 --> 01:12:21,880
Because you've been staring
at it, and you want it.
1444
01:12:22,040 --> 01:12:24,880
Hey, what's the deal here? You
guys ever gonna make out or what?
1445
01:12:25,210 --> 01:12:26,460
Teddy, come on, dude!
1446
01:12:26,550 --> 01:12:29,800
No, I'm just saying. You look like
you're hitting it off, you know?
1447
01:12:30,050 --> 01:12:31,760
Sam, you dig him, right?
1448
01:12:33,760 --> 01:12:34,800
Hey!
1449
01:12:34,890 --> 01:12:36,770
Where the hell's my coffee? I've
been waiting for 10 minutes.
1450
01:12:36,850 --> 01:12:39,060
I'm so sorry, sir. I forgot.
I'll get it right away.
1451
01:12:39,180 --> 01:12:41,980
Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not
building rockets. Figure it out!
1452
01:12:42,560 --> 01:12:43,980
What a prick!
1453
01:12:44,440 --> 01:12:47,070
Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a
Cookie Crisp into his ass crack.
1454
01:12:47,230 --> 01:12:48,400
Wait, let me try.
1455
01:12:48,570 --> 01:12:50,950
I used to pitch for the
softball team at Arizona State.
1456
01:12:51,030 --> 01:12:52,910
Oh, yeah? Was your mascot a broken condom?
1457
01:12:53,160 --> 01:12:54,490
Shut up.
1458
01:12:55,240 --> 01:12:56,990
- Oh, my God!
- Holy shit!
1459
01:12:57,080 --> 01:12:58,830
Who did that?
1460
01:12:59,080 --> 01:13:01,830
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You got to be kidding me!
1461
01:13:01,920 --> 01:13:03,670
Now, we're assholes.
Look what you did.
1462
01:13:03,750 --> 01:13:06,500
I swear to God, I'll kick
your goddamn ass! Who was it?
1463
01:13:06,590 --> 01:13:09,510
Uh, sir, I apologize
for my 5-year-old son.
1464
01:13:09,710 --> 01:13:10,970
I'm sowwy!
1465
01:13:11,090 --> 01:13:12,130
Sowwy, sir.
1466
01:13:12,260 --> 01:13:14,680
- Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies.
- I'm sowwy.
1467
01:13:15,260 --> 01:13:18,600
Well, under the circumstances,
I guess it's okay.
1468
01:13:19,060 --> 01:13:21,180
Oh, my God. Now we're even bigger assholes.
1469
01:13:21,270 --> 01:13:22,940
Go get my Cookie Crisp out of his ass.
1470
01:13:23,100 --> 01:13:24,400
You guys making trouble over here?
1471
01:13:24,480 --> 01:13:26,150
Uh, no, ma'am. We're just
minding our business.
1472
01:13:26,480 --> 01:13:28,610
Let's try to keep your boyfriend
under control here, yeah?
1473
01:13:29,360 --> 01:13:30,780
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
1474
01:13:31,190 --> 01:13:32,200
Oh.
1475
01:13:32,610 --> 01:13:33,820
Good.
1476
01:13:34,110 --> 01:13:35,530
We'll just get the check.
Thanks.
1477
01:13:35,620 --> 01:13:36,910
Of course.
1478
01:13:39,240 --> 01:13:40,250
Oh, my God.
1479
01:13:40,330 --> 01:13:43,290
John, did you see that? She was
totally giving you the fuck-me eyes.
1480
01:13:43,540 --> 01:13:44,540
No, she wasn't.
1481
01:13:44,620 --> 01:13:45,960
She was giving you
the fuck-me eyes.
1482
01:13:46,130 --> 01:13:47,340
What are the fuck-me eyes?
1483
01:13:47,500 --> 01:13:50,000
Some women just
have fuck-me eyes.
1484
01:13:50,460 --> 01:13:51,710
Do I have fuck-me eyes?
1485
01:13:51,800 --> 01:13:54,220
No, you have "Give us the
ring, my precious" eyes.
1486
01:13:54,800 --> 01:13:55,800
We better get going.
1487
01:13:55,890 --> 01:13:57,890
We got two hours of driving
left and I'm kind of beat.
1488
01:13:57,970 --> 01:13:59,640
Yeah, we got to be
well rested for tomorrow.
1489
01:13:59,720 --> 01:14:01,640
I'll drive.
You can take a nap.
1490
01:14:01,810 --> 01:14:02,980
You don't have a license.
1491
01:14:03,520 --> 01:14:04,770
Who cares?
Johnny lets me drive
1492
01:14:04,850 --> 01:14:06,230
every once in a while
when he's too hammered.
1493
01:14:06,350 --> 01:14:07,360
I'm a fucking pro!
1494
01:14:08,020 --> 01:14:09,190
Besides,
1495
01:14:09,320 --> 01:14:11,820
I've been kicked around
a lot this week. I just...
1496
01:14:12,150 --> 01:14:13,990
I want to feel useful, you know?
1497
01:14:14,570 --> 01:14:15,700
Twenty minutes behind the wheel.
1498
01:14:15,820 --> 01:14:16,870
Yay!
1499
01:15:38,820 --> 01:15:40,410
Ah! Ah!
Shit, shit, shit!
1500
01:16:11,020 --> 01:16:12,270
What the fuck?
1501
01:16:12,360 --> 01:16:14,820
Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.
You wanna take over?
1502
01:16:28,040 --> 01:16:29,830
Hey, listen, Sam, I'm real sorry.
1503
01:16:29,910 --> 01:16:31,620
That barn just came out of nowhere.
1504
01:16:31,710 --> 01:16:34,040
No, no, it's my fault.
I... I, uh...
1505
01:16:34,130 --> 01:16:35,750
I should never have let you drive.
1506
01:16:35,840 --> 01:16:37,420
Yeah. You were wrong.
1507
01:16:37,510 --> 01:16:39,130
- You were wrong to do that.
- Yeah.
1508
01:16:39,220 --> 01:16:43,140
But that and the trial are the only
two things you fucked up. So, uh...
1509
01:16:43,970 --> 01:16:45,720
I can't see shit in there.
1510
01:16:45,810 --> 01:16:47,890
We're gonna have to wait till
tomorrow to get the car out.
1511
01:16:48,220 --> 01:16:50,810
Uh, wait. Are we gonna
spend the night here?
1512
01:16:50,980 --> 01:16:53,520
Yeah, it'll be fine. We just
got to find some firewood.
1513
01:17:04,490 --> 01:17:05,580
What the hell?
1514
01:17:11,580 --> 01:17:13,750
Holy shit! Hey, Ted!
1515
01:17:14,790 --> 01:17:18,000
You know what this is?
It's Super Lemon Haze.
1516
01:17:18,090 --> 01:17:19,210
It's a really rare strain.
1517
01:17:19,300 --> 01:17:21,510
It's a cross between Lemon
Skunk and Super Silver Haze.
1518
01:17:21,840 --> 01:17:22,880
It's totally potent.
1519
01:17:22,970 --> 01:17:24,260
I've only had it once in my life
1520
01:17:24,340 --> 01:17:25,850
and it was one of
the best highs I ever had.
1521
01:17:26,050 --> 01:17:27,260
What the hell is a leaf of this stuff
1522
01:17:27,350 --> 01:17:28,510
doing out in the middle of a...
1523
01:17:57,880 --> 01:18:00,670
Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
1524
01:18:01,630 --> 01:18:03,220
So beautiful.
1525
01:18:04,470 --> 01:18:06,140
It's so beautiful.
1526
01:18:06,800 --> 01:18:08,260
No words.
1527
01:18:09,220 --> 01:18:11,470
No words.
1528
01:18:11,560 --> 01:18:13,560
They should've sent a poet.
1529
01:18:20,900 --> 01:18:22,740
They're moving in herds.
1530
01:18:23,650 --> 01:18:25,570
They do move in herds.
1531
01:18:29,700 --> 01:18:32,500
Please tell me that's not the only
bong you brought on this trip.
1532
01:18:32,580 --> 01:18:35,500
Yeah, Sam. This puts us in
kind of an awkward position, here.
1533
01:18:35,580 --> 01:18:37,040
I mean, we wanna get high, too.
1534
01:18:37,130 --> 01:18:38,460
I don't have any papers or nothing.
1535
01:18:38,580 --> 01:18:41,460
Is this hilarious? I got it
at a bachelorette party.
1536
01:18:42,840 --> 01:18:44,670
It's so stupid.
Here, try it.
1537
01:18:44,760 --> 01:18:45,840
Uh, no.
1538
01:18:45,930 --> 01:18:46,970
Why?
1539
01:18:47,050 --> 01:18:49,510
I don't wanna put a big
glass cock in my mouth.
1540
01:18:49,600 --> 01:18:50,970
Oh, you think this is big?
1541
01:18:52,270 --> 01:18:53,890
Johnny, you walked
right into that one, pal.
1542
01:18:53,980 --> 01:18:54,930
This is all I brought.
1543
01:18:55,020 --> 01:18:56,850
How about this? I'm gonna
go check out the barn
1544
01:18:56,940 --> 01:18:58,940
and I'm gonna see if I can
find a soda can or something
1545
01:18:59,020 --> 01:19:00,190
for us to make an actual bong.
1546
01:19:00,270 --> 01:19:02,110
Yeah, see if you can
make a non-dick bong.
1547
01:19:02,360 --> 01:19:05,030
Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the
South Korean president.
1548
01:19:05,110 --> 01:19:06,200
Right?
1549
01:19:06,450 --> 01:19:07,700
She gets...
You get it.
1550
01:19:07,780 --> 01:19:08,780
Right? No.
1551
01:19:08,950 --> 01:19:09,990
What?
1552
01:19:10,160 --> 01:19:11,830
Okay, I'll be back.
1553
01:19:12,370 --> 01:19:13,660
Sorry.
1554
01:19:13,830 --> 01:19:16,330
No. This is nice.
1555
01:19:16,500 --> 01:19:18,330
You know?
I always wanted my ex-wife
1556
01:19:18,420 --> 01:19:20,040
to get stoned with me.
She never would.
1557
01:19:20,210 --> 01:19:21,210
Really?
1558
01:19:21,290 --> 01:19:24,210
Wow. That's the cornerstone
of any great marriage.
1559
01:19:24,380 --> 01:19:25,800
I agree.
1560
01:19:29,800 --> 01:19:32,350
So, you think this Meighan guy
is gonna help us?
1561
01:19:32,510 --> 01:19:35,350
I mean, honestly,
I don't know. Um...
1562
01:19:36,730 --> 01:19:38,230
But we're going to the right place.
1563
01:19:39,400 --> 01:19:40,980
Listen, I just really want to thank you
1564
01:19:41,060 --> 01:19:42,900
for all you've done,
all you're doing for us.
1565
01:19:42,980 --> 01:19:44,780
I know it's not making you rich.
1566
01:19:44,860 --> 01:19:45,900
Please.
1567
01:19:45,990 --> 01:19:48,240
There are more important
things in life than money.
1568
01:19:49,660 --> 01:19:50,870
Look,
1569
01:19:51,570 --> 01:19:53,790
I don't know what kind of mojo was in
1570
01:19:53,870 --> 01:19:55,580
that wish you made when you were a child,
1571
01:19:55,660 --> 01:19:57,540
but this bear is alive.
1572
01:19:58,500 --> 01:20:02,540
And it seems to me that once the
law devalues one kind of life,
1573
01:20:03,170 --> 01:20:05,340
how soon before it devalues another?
1574
01:20:05,670 --> 01:20:07,590
Who gets subjugated after the bear?
1575
01:20:09,220 --> 01:20:11,220
You're really smart, you know that?
1576
01:20:12,600 --> 01:20:13,810
How come you don't have a guy?
1577
01:20:14,180 --> 01:20:16,430
Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston?
1578
01:20:16,520 --> 01:20:18,520
I'm supposed to date some pale, blotchy guy
1579
01:20:18,600 --> 01:20:20,520
with a wife-beater
under his Bruins jacket
1580
01:20:20,600 --> 01:20:23,020
and a shamrock tattoo
on his calf? Nope.
1581
01:20:23,110 --> 01:20:24,150
Yeah.
1582
01:20:24,230 --> 01:20:25,530
That's so dumb.
1583
01:20:26,530 --> 01:20:28,030
I couldn't find any cans,
1584
01:20:28,110 --> 01:20:30,780
but I got to tell you, there's
some awesome shit in that barn.
1585
01:20:30,860 --> 01:20:33,910
Take a look at this. I found a
cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar.
1586
01:20:34,120 --> 01:20:35,490
Hey, be careful with that, huh.
1587
01:20:35,660 --> 01:20:36,790
No, it's okay.
It's not loaded.
1588
01:20:38,750 --> 01:20:40,920
And my fucking nose came off.
1589
01:20:42,420 --> 01:20:44,380
Jeez, I wonder who this place belongs to.
1590
01:20:44,500 --> 01:20:46,460
Maybe we should find someplace else.
1591
01:20:46,550 --> 01:20:48,550
We're in the middle of nowhere.
1592
01:20:48,630 --> 01:20:50,680
If we get out of here by dawn,
we should be fine, right?
1593
01:20:52,930 --> 01:20:54,180
You play the guitar?
1594
01:20:55,050 --> 01:20:57,560
A little bit.
I learned when I was a kid.
1595
01:21:06,900 --> 01:21:09,900
♪ Mean ol' moon ♪
1596
01:21:10,070 --> 01:21:12,410
♪ It must be fun ♪
1597
01:21:13,820 --> 01:21:18,950
♪ To shine upon me
as I come undone ♪
1598
01:21:19,580 --> 01:21:25,420
♪ Till I'm all alone
beneath the sun ♪
1599
01:21:25,920 --> 01:21:32,090
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪
1600
01:21:32,550 --> 01:21:38,010
♪ With your beam you led the way ♪
1601
01:21:39,430 --> 01:21:44,940
♪ And found me love
I thought was here to stay ♪
1602
01:21:45,190 --> 01:21:51,530
♪ Then you went and
took my love away ♪
1603
01:21:51,610 --> 01:21:56,780
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪
1604
01:21:57,450 --> 01:22:03,790
♪ Oh, you mean ol' stars above ♪
1605
01:22:04,330 --> 01:22:10,420
♪ The games that
you play with me ♪
1606
01:22:10,920 --> 01:22:15,890
♪ I could find some happiness ♪
1607
01:22:16,970 --> 01:22:22,980
♪ If all of my nights
were cloudy ♪
1608
01:22:23,390 --> 01:22:26,190
♪ Mean ol' moon ♪
1609
01:22:26,690 --> 01:22:29,150
♪ I hope it's true ♪
1610
01:22:30,610 --> 01:22:35,660
♪ You're takin' all the light
that's left in you ♪
1611
01:22:36,320 --> 01:22:42,580
♪ And saving it up
for you know who ♪
1612
01:22:42,660 --> 01:22:48,580
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪
1613
01:22:49,000 --> 01:22:55,680
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪
1614
01:23:14,190 --> 01:23:15,860
Yes!
1615
01:23:31,630 --> 01:23:32,750
You got it.
1616
01:23:33,050 --> 01:23:34,130
You got it!
1617
01:23:34,380 --> 01:23:35,880
Come on, put your legs into it.
1618
01:23:38,130 --> 01:23:39,930
There you go! Nice job!
1619
01:23:40,010 --> 01:23:41,050
Jesus.
1620
01:23:41,430 --> 01:23:42,810
So, listen, I got to ask.
1621
01:23:42,930 --> 01:23:45,980
Was it just kissing last night?
Or was there finger stuff?
1622
01:23:59,110 --> 01:24:00,160
How far are we?
1623
01:24:01,030 --> 01:24:03,120
I'd say we're about
an hour outside the city.
1624
01:24:03,200 --> 01:24:06,450
Fantastic. So, I'm one hour
away from being a real person.
1625
01:24:06,950 --> 01:24:08,000
Hey!
1626
01:24:08,290 --> 01:24:09,790
Who the fuck are you?
1627
01:24:10,120 --> 01:24:11,380
This is private property!
1628
01:24:11,460 --> 01:24:13,130
Get the fuck out of the car!
1629
01:24:14,210 --> 01:24:15,300
Shit! Go, go, go!
1630
01:24:25,310 --> 01:24:26,310
Shit!
1631
01:24:29,060 --> 01:24:30,900
- Oh, God, I'm sorry!
- I'm sorry, pot! Sorry!
1632
01:24:31,020 --> 01:24:32,060
I'm so sorry, pot!
1633
01:24:39,700 --> 01:24:40,740
What are you doing?
1634
01:24:40,860 --> 01:24:41,910
Seizing the day!
1635
01:24:48,330 --> 01:24:49,580
There's the road,
there, that way! Go!
1636
01:24:54,170 --> 01:24:56,500
- Come on, you gotta move. They're right on our ass.
- I am, I'm moving.
1637
01:25:02,680 --> 01:25:04,510
- What the fuck, man?
- What?
1638
01:25:04,600 --> 01:25:05,640
Are you hard?
1639
01:25:05,720 --> 01:25:07,390
Yeah, this shit makes me hard.
1640
01:25:14,360 --> 01:25:16,150
- Whoa!
- Holy shit!
1641
01:25:16,230 --> 01:25:17,400
Oh, my God, are they okay?
1642
01:25:20,530 --> 01:25:21,900
Uh, yeah, they're fine.
They look happy.
1643
01:25:22,030 --> 01:25:23,910
Yeah, they're waving at us.
They're giving us the thumbs up.
1644
01:25:30,790 --> 01:25:33,290
Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.
I wish we could smoke it.
1645
01:25:33,370 --> 01:25:34,630
Oh, we're gonna smoke it, all right,
1646
01:25:34,710 --> 01:25:35,840
but just stuff it under the seat for now.
1647
01:25:35,920 --> 01:25:36,960
We don't wanna go to jail.
1648
01:25:37,040 --> 01:25:38,300
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1649
01:25:56,060 --> 01:25:57,570
Oh, what the fuck?
What are you doing?
1650
01:25:57,730 --> 01:26:00,730
Hashtag "My amazing summer."
1651
01:26:00,940 --> 01:26:02,740
God damn it! What the
hell's wrong with you?
1652
01:26:02,820 --> 01:26:04,160
Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
1653
01:26:04,240 --> 01:26:05,490
What do you mean?
I was just messing around.
1654
01:26:05,570 --> 01:26:07,490
Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
1655
01:26:07,580 --> 01:26:08,620
Oh, fuck you.
1656
01:26:33,430 --> 01:26:35,520
I love New York.
1657
01:26:35,770 --> 01:26:37,350
Yeah, there's no
bullshit with these people.
1658
01:26:37,440 --> 01:26:39,940
Yeah, you always know who you're
dealing with in New York.
1659
01:26:40,190 --> 01:26:41,860
Hello, Jews!
1660
01:26:49,030 --> 01:26:50,410
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
1661
01:26:50,530 --> 01:26:52,290
- Watch it.
- Jesus! Watch where you're going!
1662
01:26:52,540 --> 01:26:55,040
- It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right of way!
- Yeah.
1663
01:26:55,120 --> 01:26:56,120
Whoa!
1664
01:26:56,210 --> 01:26:58,540
Hey, what the hell you doing walking
around dressed like Star Wars?
1665
01:26:58,630 --> 01:27:01,670
It's Comic Con, you idiot! We're
going to the Javits Center.
1666
01:27:01,750 --> 01:27:03,130
You're the idiots, because you three guys
1667
01:27:03,210 --> 01:27:04,470
would never be walking together!
1668
01:27:04,550 --> 01:27:07,470
Yeah, you're his boss and
you two guys are enemies!
1669
01:27:07,550 --> 01:27:09,180
Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk!
1670
01:27:09,260 --> 01:27:11,010
- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
- Hey! Come on. That's Star Trek!
1671
01:27:11,100 --> 01:27:12,310
Yeah, that's two different franchises.
1672
01:27:12,470 --> 01:27:14,020
Yeah, sorry, guys.
She doesn't know.
1673
01:27:14,100 --> 01:27:16,480
Nah, it's okay. I'm sorry
you have to deal with that.
1674
01:27:17,350 --> 01:27:18,900
All right, let's go.
1675
01:27:20,150 --> 01:27:21,820
Oh, hey, come on.
It's not worth it, man.
1676
01:27:21,900 --> 01:27:23,480
Come on.
1677
01:27:41,670 --> 01:27:44,300
This Patrick Meighan's
got a classy setup, huh?
1678
01:27:44,380 --> 01:27:45,420
Mmm.
1679
01:27:50,140 --> 01:27:52,760
And there is our first impression.
1680
01:27:53,260 --> 01:27:55,270
Ms. Jackson?
Mr. Meighan will see you now.
1681
01:27:55,350 --> 01:27:56,930
Oh, okay. Thank you.
1682
01:28:03,650 --> 01:28:06,030
Ah, Ms. Jackson. Do come in.
1683
01:28:06,610 --> 01:28:08,450
Mr. Meighan,
this is such an honor.
1684
01:28:08,610 --> 01:28:10,200
Thank you so much for meeting with us.
1685
01:28:10,280 --> 01:28:12,530
Not at all. It's my pleasure.
Please, sit down.
1686
01:28:12,740 --> 01:28:14,870
Oh, this office is fucking awesome.
1687
01:28:14,950 --> 01:28:16,870
Yeah, totally. Hey, hey.
1688
01:28:17,120 --> 01:28:18,370
You ever bring chicks up here?
1689
01:28:19,290 --> 01:28:20,460
What do you think?
1690
01:28:20,710 --> 01:28:23,790
I think I want to sleep on
a bed made of your voice.
1691
01:28:25,460 --> 01:28:26,920
I'll get right down to it.
1692
01:28:27,210 --> 01:28:29,010
I don't want to waste
too much of your time.
1693
01:28:30,800 --> 01:28:33,640
Ted, I've been reviewing your file.
1694
01:28:33,930 --> 01:28:36,220
And while I'm sympathetic to your cause,
1695
01:28:36,310 --> 01:28:39,520
I'm sorry to say
I won't be taking your case.
1696
01:28:39,640 --> 01:28:40,730
- What?
- Why?
1697
01:28:40,810 --> 01:28:41,810
Why not?
1698
01:28:41,940 --> 01:28:43,730
Well, it comes down to this.
1699
01:28:45,820 --> 01:28:48,610
You want to be human
in the eyes of the law.
1700
01:28:48,940 --> 01:28:51,320
That's a hard sell, even for me.
1701
01:28:51,820 --> 01:28:54,240
See, the important thing about being human
1702
01:28:54,330 --> 01:28:56,700
is making a contribution to society.
1703
01:28:56,790 --> 01:28:59,160
Assisting in the betterment of your race.
1704
01:28:59,540 --> 01:29:01,330
You've done none of that.
1705
01:29:01,500 --> 01:29:03,130
I've read about your life.
1706
01:29:03,290 --> 01:29:06,460
The drugs, the parties,
the prostitutes, the arrests.
1707
01:29:06,550 --> 01:29:08,960
Mr. Meighan, we've come
a long way to meet you
1708
01:29:09,050 --> 01:29:10,670
because you said that you could help us.
1709
01:29:11,010 --> 01:29:12,930
I said I would consider it.
1710
01:29:13,510 --> 01:29:14,850
And I have.
1711
01:29:16,180 --> 01:29:18,520
Ted, you're special.
1712
01:29:18,850 --> 01:29:21,230
You could've been
an inspiration to the world.
1713
01:29:21,390 --> 01:29:23,560
Could've been a leader, a role model.
1714
01:29:24,520 --> 01:29:26,150
Instead you're
1715
01:29:27,020 --> 01:29:28,190
Justin Bieber.
1716
01:29:28,730 --> 01:29:29,740
Fuck you!
1717
01:29:29,860 --> 01:29:31,110
- Hey, Ted! Come on!
- I'm sorry.
1718
01:29:31,200 --> 01:29:33,200
- He doesn't mean that.
- Please forgive me, I'm sorry.
1719
01:29:33,360 --> 01:29:34,660
There's just no indication
1720
01:29:34,740 --> 01:29:37,660
that you've had any positive
effect on the world around you.
1721
01:29:37,830 --> 01:29:40,500
Well, that's not true. He's
had a positive effect on me.
1722
01:29:40,660 --> 01:29:43,540
Would that positive effect
be your joint arrest
1723
01:29:43,620 --> 01:29:45,960
for purchasing marijuana in 2003?
1724
01:29:46,040 --> 01:29:48,750
Well, how the fuck do you prepare
for a Foo Fighters concert?
1725
01:29:50,590 --> 01:29:52,630
You know why you lost this case?
1726
01:29:54,220 --> 01:29:56,220
It can't be argued by reason.
1727
01:29:56,600 --> 01:29:59,720
The precedent it sets would
affect the public directly.
1728
01:29:59,930 --> 01:30:03,190
And unfortunately, the public
doesn't judge by reason.
1729
01:30:03,270 --> 01:30:05,480
It judges by emotion.
1730
01:30:06,860 --> 01:30:09,690
And you can't appeal
an emotional conviction.
1731
01:30:10,110 --> 01:30:13,570
Nonetheless, I wish you all
the best in your efforts.
1732
01:30:15,910 --> 01:30:17,410
He needs help.
1733
01:30:17,910 --> 01:30:19,410
And from what I know about you,
1734
01:30:19,580 --> 01:30:21,950
at one point in your career
that would've been enough.
1735
01:30:22,830 --> 01:30:26,250
I'm sorry you're not who I hoped you'd be.
1736
01:30:34,970 --> 01:30:36,800
Are those Tootsie Rolls
just, like, to take?
1737
01:30:38,930 --> 01:30:41,140
Those aren't supposed to be out.
1738
01:30:52,280 --> 01:30:54,320
So that's it.
I'm property.
1739
01:30:55,110 --> 01:30:56,990
No rights, no nothing.
1740
01:30:57,610 --> 01:31:00,620
Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man.
This completely sucks.
1741
01:31:00,990 --> 01:31:02,450
I feel terrible.
1742
01:31:03,080 --> 01:31:04,960
I let you guys down all over again.
1743
01:31:05,080 --> 01:31:08,290
Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam.
You did your best.
1744
01:31:09,500 --> 01:31:11,090
And, look, regardless of all this shit,
1745
01:31:11,170 --> 01:31:13,760
you're still the best thing that's
happened to me in a long time.
1746
01:31:19,970 --> 01:31:20,970
Oh. Oh, that...
1747
01:31:21,180 --> 01:31:22,310
That's great!
That's fucking great!
1748
01:31:22,390 --> 01:31:23,430
I'm glad you guys are so happy!
1749
01:31:23,520 --> 01:31:24,560
What?
1750
01:31:24,640 --> 01:31:26,600
What do you mean, "What?"
I'm totally screwed here.
1751
01:31:26,690 --> 01:31:29,190
And you're sitting there
basically banging my lawyer,
1752
01:31:29,270 --> 01:31:30,940
and she's probably
still fucking billing us!
1753
01:31:31,020 --> 01:31:33,110
Well, don't yell at us, dude!
We didn't do anything!
1754
01:31:33,280 --> 01:31:34,570
Yeah, exactly! Exactly!
1755
01:31:34,650 --> 01:31:37,740
Maybe if you guys had spent a little
less time mooning over each other,
1756
01:31:37,820 --> 01:31:40,660
Sam could've won this thing and
I wouldn't be a fucking thing!
1757
01:31:40,740 --> 01:31:42,910
Like garbage or a piece of shit!
1758
01:31:43,370 --> 01:31:45,700
Hey, we've been fighting right
alongside you the whole way.
1759
01:31:45,790 --> 01:31:46,830
And remember, you're the one
1760
01:31:46,910 --> 01:31:47,920
who's been pushing me
to get back on the horse.
1761
01:31:48,000 --> 01:31:49,920
I finally meet someone and
you're giving me shit for it?
1762
01:31:50,000 --> 01:31:51,590
Oh, no, you're right.
No, Johnny, it's fine.
1763
01:31:51,670 --> 01:31:52,750
You're right, it's fine.
It's totally fine.
1764
01:31:52,840 --> 01:31:55,260
I got no job, no marriage and no life!
1765
01:31:55,340 --> 01:31:58,430
But you have fun porking Gollum
here, while I'm left with shit!
1766
01:31:58,590 --> 01:31:59,680
Ted!
1767
01:31:59,840 --> 01:32:00,890
Who's Gollum?
1768
01:32:00,970 --> 01:32:03,010
She's a model.
Ted, come back!
1769
01:32:03,180 --> 01:32:04,260
Leave me alone!
1770
01:32:04,390 --> 01:32:05,520
- Ted!
- Ted!
1771
01:32:09,690 --> 01:32:10,810
Shit.
1772
01:32:21,370 --> 01:32:22,370
Whoa.
1773
01:32:23,370 --> 01:32:24,450
Sorry, bro.
1774
01:33:01,740 --> 01:33:03,200
Hey, Ted!
1775
01:33:05,240 --> 01:33:06,330
Guy?
1776
01:33:06,410 --> 01:33:07,790
I thought that was you.
What's happening, man?
1777
01:33:07,870 --> 01:33:09,870
Hey, Rick! It is Ted.
1778
01:33:09,960 --> 01:33:11,000
Hey, how you doing?
1779
01:33:11,370 --> 01:33:13,250
- Hey, what's going on?
- What are you doing here?
1780
01:33:13,380 --> 01:33:17,750
I just feel at home among the
outcasts. What are you guys doing here?
1781
01:33:18,050 --> 01:33:20,630
Well, you know, Rick and I,
we just come here as a gag.
1782
01:33:20,720 --> 01:33:24,050
Dress up like we're into this
shit and fuck with the nerds.
1783
01:33:24,140 --> 01:33:25,350
Hey, spaz.
1784
01:33:25,430 --> 01:33:28,310
Uh, why don't you go get me some Big
League Chew. How about that, huh?
1785
01:33:32,520 --> 01:33:35,480
Uh-huh. All right, well, good
luck with your dick, there.
1786
01:33:35,860 --> 01:33:37,150
Right on.
You, too, man.
1787
01:33:38,190 --> 01:33:40,610
God damn it, that underwear had shit on it!
1788
01:33:48,580 --> 01:33:50,200
Yeah, I have a question
for David Hasselhoff.
1789
01:33:50,290 --> 01:33:51,330
Yes, sir.
1790
01:33:51,620 --> 01:33:55,080
Did you find it difficult as an
actor, playing opposite a car?
1791
01:33:55,330 --> 01:33:58,090
You know, that is a very good question.
1792
01:33:58,250 --> 01:34:00,210
As an actor, you rely on subtle
1793
01:34:00,300 --> 01:34:03,180
facial changes and cues
from your co-stars.
1794
01:34:03,260 --> 01:34:05,140
Uh, you don't get that with a car.
1795
01:34:05,340 --> 01:34:07,100
But after awhile,
1796
01:34:07,180 --> 01:34:09,220
you get used to it, it becomes the norm.
1797
01:34:09,310 --> 01:34:10,970
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
1798
01:34:11,060 --> 01:34:13,060
Uh, yeah, excuse me.
I have a question. Um...
1799
01:34:13,310 --> 01:34:15,480
Exactly how many beers did you have
1800
01:34:15,560 --> 01:34:17,270
before you got naked with that hamburger?
1801
01:34:17,360 --> 01:34:19,270
You know, buddy, we all make mistakes.
1802
01:34:19,360 --> 01:34:22,150
That was a long time ago
and I'm a different guy now.
1803
01:34:22,360 --> 01:34:24,360
You know what?
Can I just jump in here for a second?
1804
01:34:24,610 --> 01:34:26,990
You're a real scumbag
for asking that question.
1805
01:34:27,070 --> 01:34:28,200
What? It's a fair question.
1806
01:34:28,280 --> 01:34:29,530
No, you know what?
You know what?
1807
01:34:29,620 --> 01:34:30,700
Let me tell you something about this man.
1808
01:34:30,790 --> 01:34:32,660
KITT, it's all right.
Just let it go, huh?
1809
01:34:32,750 --> 01:34:33,960
No, no. I want him
to hear this.
1810
01:34:34,040 --> 01:34:35,790
Let me tell you something.
After the show ended,
1811
01:34:35,870 --> 01:34:37,630
I got nothing but shit work, all right?
1812
01:34:37,710 --> 01:34:39,840
I was playing snow plows, tractors,
1813
01:34:39,920 --> 01:34:41,590
I was even cast as a lawnmower.
1814
01:34:41,670 --> 01:34:43,220
Now, that was a real low point for me,
1815
01:34:43,300 --> 01:34:45,380
and this man, sitting next to me,
1816
01:34:45,470 --> 01:34:47,590
at this very low point in my life,
1817
01:34:47,680 --> 01:34:49,100
wrote me a check...
1818
01:34:49,180 --> 01:34:50,310
Aw, come on, pal.
Come on.
1819
01:34:50,390 --> 01:34:52,020
No, no. I want
everyone to hear this,
1820
01:34:52,100 --> 01:34:54,230
because you are a good
man, David Hasselhoff.
1821
01:34:54,310 --> 01:34:56,560
You are a good man.
You saved me
1822
01:34:56,650 --> 01:34:57,940
with your generosity.
1823
01:34:58,480 --> 01:34:59,820
You are the most...
1824
01:35:00,820 --> 01:35:03,900
I'm so sorry. I promised myself
I wouldn't get emotional.
1825
01:35:03,990 --> 01:35:05,400
I just love you, buddy.
1826
01:35:05,490 --> 01:35:07,780
I just love you so much.
1827
01:35:07,860 --> 01:35:10,370
I love you so much. Oh, God.
1828
01:35:10,490 --> 01:35:13,040
I love you too, pal. I really do.
1829
01:35:13,120 --> 01:35:14,160
I love you.
1830
01:35:14,710 --> 01:35:16,710
So, like, 25 beers, or what?
1831
01:35:16,830 --> 01:35:18,330
Piece of shit!
Get out of here!
1832
01:35:18,420 --> 01:35:20,130
Whoa, whoa, whoa, man!
What the fuck?
1833
01:35:20,210 --> 01:35:22,340
You are not fit to breathe
the same air as this man!
1834
01:35:22,420 --> 01:35:23,920
KITT, he's not worth it.
1835
01:35:24,010 --> 01:35:25,510
Get out of here!
What? He's a celebrity.
1836
01:35:25,590 --> 01:35:27,300
His personal life is our business.
1837
01:35:27,380 --> 01:35:29,050
Get the fuck out,
you piece of dog shit.
1838
01:35:29,140 --> 01:35:30,890
I will run you down like roadkill.
1839
01:35:30,970 --> 01:35:33,220
Hey, I don't have to take this
shit from a fucking Pontiac.
1840
01:35:33,310 --> 01:35:35,020
Get out!
Get the fuck out!
1841
01:35:35,100 --> 01:35:36,940
You're a psycho, dude.
Seriously, you're a psycho.
1842
01:35:37,020 --> 01:35:38,520
- Get some therapy.
- Get out!
1843
01:35:39,520 --> 01:35:40,810
Crazy son of a bitch.
1844
01:35:41,860 --> 01:35:43,020
Jesus Christ.
1845
01:35:44,110 --> 01:35:45,150
Hey.
1846
01:35:45,860 --> 01:35:46,990
Are you Ted?
1847
01:35:47,280 --> 01:35:48,950
Uh, yeah.
1848
01:35:50,320 --> 01:35:51,700
This is so exciting!
1849
01:35:51,780 --> 01:35:54,120
I was such a big fan of yours
in the early '90s.
1850
01:35:54,370 --> 01:35:57,080
Oh, thanks a lot.
What's your name?
1851
01:35:57,250 --> 01:35:58,710
I'm Raphael.
1852
01:35:58,790 --> 01:36:00,790
Hey, do you think I could
take a picture with you?
1853
01:36:01,080 --> 01:36:02,500
Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem.
1854
01:36:02,590 --> 01:36:04,380
Great, great!
Here, follow me.
1855
01:36:06,170 --> 01:36:08,430
Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here?
1856
01:36:08,590 --> 01:36:09,680
Well, you're a celebrity.
1857
01:36:09,760 --> 01:36:11,930
I just don't want you to get
mobbed when people recognize you.
1858
01:36:12,010 --> 01:36:14,890
Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken
for an Ewok three times today.
1859
01:36:14,970 --> 01:36:16,020
All right, let's do this.
1860
01:36:20,850 --> 01:36:22,730
Holy shit! Donny!
1861
01:36:23,190 --> 01:36:25,150
It's so good to see you, Ted.
1862
01:36:26,150 --> 01:36:27,530
It's been some time, hasn't it?
1863
01:36:27,820 --> 01:36:29,990
What, you mean since you ripped me in half?
1864
01:36:30,990 --> 01:36:32,700
That wasn't supposed to happen.
1865
01:36:32,870 --> 01:36:34,370
That was an accident.
1866
01:36:35,200 --> 01:36:37,450
I have some big plans for you, Ted.
1867
01:36:38,210 --> 01:36:39,660
Very big plans.
1868
01:36:40,170 --> 01:36:41,790
I need you to come with me now.
1869
01:36:41,960 --> 01:36:42,920
Go to hell!
1870
01:36:56,060 --> 01:36:57,850
Nice lunch, spaz.
1871
01:37:07,650 --> 01:37:09,070
Hey! What the hell!
1872
01:37:13,660 --> 01:37:15,410
He could be anywhere.
We're not gonna find him.
1873
01:37:15,490 --> 01:37:16,790
We should just wait by the car.
1874
01:37:16,870 --> 01:37:18,450
What do you mean? We
have to find him, okay?
1875
01:37:18,540 --> 01:37:20,580
He's a teddy bear on his own
in New York, for God's sakes.
1876
01:37:24,380 --> 01:37:25,420
Hello?
1877
01:37:25,500 --> 01:37:27,300
Johnny, Johnny, it's me.
You got to help me.
1878
01:37:27,380 --> 01:37:29,710
Ted, where are you? Dude, we've
been looking everywhere for you.
1879
01:37:29,920 --> 01:37:33,390
I'm at Comic Con, but, John, it's Donny!
He's here!
1880
01:37:33,510 --> 01:37:34,970
He's after me.
You got to get over here.
1881
01:37:35,050 --> 01:37:36,640
What the fuck?
Did you just say "Donny"?
1882
01:37:36,720 --> 01:37:37,810
John, what's going on?
1883
01:37:37,890 --> 01:37:39,430
Yes, it's him! He's...
1884
01:37:41,350 --> 01:37:42,560
Oh, shit!
1885
01:37:45,940 --> 01:37:47,570
Ted! Ted, hello?
1886
01:37:47,820 --> 01:37:49,650
- What's the matter?
- Oh, my God. Déjà vu.
1887
01:37:49,900 --> 01:37:51,400
We got to get to
Comic Con. Come on!
1888
01:37:56,070 --> 01:37:57,740
Get out of the way!
1889
01:38:09,420 --> 01:38:10,920
You know,
1890
01:38:11,970 --> 01:38:14,130
I really love that Neil Diamond.
1891
01:38:14,800 --> 01:38:19,600
Especially that song they sing
at the Red Sox games.
1892
01:38:21,390 --> 01:38:23,270
It's just so infectious.
1893
01:38:23,850 --> 01:38:25,980
You just can't help but sing along.
1894
01:38:27,150 --> 01:38:31,480
♪ Hands touching hands ♪
1895
01:38:33,070 --> 01:38:35,030
♪ Reaching out ♪
1896
01:38:36,030 --> 01:38:41,490
♪ Touching me, touching you ♪
1897
01:38:41,870 --> 01:38:45,540
♪ Sweet Caroline ♪
1898
01:38:45,620 --> 01:38:47,040
♪ Bah, bah, bah! ♪
1899
01:38:47,130 --> 01:38:48,130
Fuck!
1900
01:38:48,840 --> 01:38:49,960
Crazy son of a bitch!
1901
01:38:53,590 --> 01:38:54,720
Hey!
1902
01:38:54,800 --> 01:38:56,130
What are you doing to that bear?
1903
01:38:56,550 --> 01:38:57,800
I'm sorry. I, uh...
1904
01:38:57,970 --> 01:38:59,720
You better be planning on buying that!
1905
01:39:00,310 --> 01:39:02,520
He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
1906
01:39:02,600 --> 01:39:03,560
Yeah, that's great.
1907
01:39:03,640 --> 01:39:04,640
$40.
1908
01:39:04,730 --> 01:39:05,980
Okay.
1909
01:39:07,150 --> 01:39:08,650
I have $40, here.
1910
01:39:18,530 --> 01:39:19,570
You see him anywhere?
1911
01:39:19,660 --> 01:39:21,410
No. Let's try in there.
1912
01:39:24,500 --> 01:39:27,210
Hi. Have any of you guys seen a
talking teddy bear run through here?
1913
01:39:27,290 --> 01:39:29,330
Shh. They're about to
announce the new Superman.
1914
01:39:29,420 --> 01:39:32,000
The new Superman is...
1915
01:39:32,300 --> 01:39:33,550
Jonah Hill!
1916
01:39:33,800 --> 01:39:34,840
Fuck!
1917
01:39:34,920 --> 01:39:36,300
- Who's Superman?
- What?
1918
01:39:36,380 --> 01:39:38,430
I'm just kidding. I'm fucking with you.
Come on!
1919
01:39:39,260 --> 01:39:41,510
And if that is not big enough news,
1920
01:39:41,600 --> 01:39:44,430
Hasbro will be
unveiling a brand-new line
1921
01:39:44,520 --> 01:39:47,350
of Transformers merchandise next fall.
1922
01:39:49,440 --> 01:39:51,020
We've got a brand-new
line of Decepticons...
1923
01:39:51,110 --> 01:39:52,110
Hey!
1924
01:39:52,190 --> 01:39:53,530
- ...that is gonna be...
- Fresh cakes.
1925
01:39:53,610 --> 01:39:55,110
Fresh cakes.
1926
01:39:56,190 --> 01:39:57,530
Fresh cakes.
1927
01:39:59,820 --> 01:40:00,870
Comic Con fans,
1928
01:40:00,950 --> 01:40:02,780
let's take a look at
this thrilling sizzle reel
1929
01:40:02,870 --> 01:40:04,660
with all of our exciting new toys.
1930
01:40:05,290 --> 01:40:06,330
Take a look.
1931
01:40:12,540 --> 01:40:14,920
Come on, there's an empty
supply room downstairs.
1932
01:40:15,010 --> 01:40:16,010
Is that him?
1933
01:40:16,090 --> 01:40:18,090
Yeah, there was an issue, so he's
1934
01:40:18,170 --> 01:40:19,630
unconscious now, but yeah, this is him.
1935
01:40:19,720 --> 01:40:21,930
Jesus! Why did you bring him here?
1936
01:40:22,010 --> 01:40:24,100
I've been following him
around since yesterday.
1937
01:40:24,180 --> 01:40:27,640
This was the only chance I could
get him alone. I had to move fast.
1938
01:40:27,730 --> 01:40:28,770
Hey, Ted!
1939
01:40:30,600 --> 01:40:31,650
Is that you?
1940
01:40:31,730 --> 01:40:33,690
Uh, yeah, he had
a little too much to drink.
1941
01:40:33,770 --> 01:40:36,740
He puked a pile of cotton all over
this little girl in a stroller
1942
01:40:36,820 --> 01:40:39,320
so we're gonna take him
back and sober him up.
1943
01:40:39,400 --> 01:40:41,160
Ah, rock on, Ted.
1944
01:40:41,240 --> 01:40:42,370
Eff yeah.
1945
01:40:42,450 --> 01:40:46,240
Hey, guys, be careful out there.
Some nerd spilled his lunch.
1946
01:40:46,790 --> 01:40:48,580
Hey, watch that floor.
Comes up fast, man.
1947
01:40:55,250 --> 01:40:56,500
Hey, Johnny.
1948
01:40:56,590 --> 01:40:57,630
Guy?
1949
01:40:57,920 --> 01:41:00,220
Man, it's a goddamn party here today.
1950
01:41:00,550 --> 01:41:02,390
Hey, I remember you from the wedding.
1951
01:41:02,550 --> 01:41:04,430
- You get a nose job?
- No.
1952
01:41:04,760 --> 01:41:06,430
Yes, you did, you fucking liar.
1953
01:41:06,510 --> 01:41:08,060
Hey, we just ran into your buddy Ted.
1954
01:41:08,140 --> 01:41:09,180
Ted? Where is he?
1955
01:41:09,270 --> 01:41:12,600
He got a little wasted, so these two
dudes took him out back to sober up.
1956
01:41:12,770 --> 01:41:13,770
Did you see which way they went?
1957
01:41:13,900 --> 01:41:15,690
Yeah, yeah. Back hallway,
past the photo booth.
1958
01:41:15,770 --> 01:41:16,900
Come on!
1959
01:41:17,730 --> 01:41:18,940
Thirsty, Urkel?
1960
01:41:20,280 --> 01:41:21,950
I fucking love this place.
1961
01:41:30,960 --> 01:41:33,540
What the fuck? What the
fuck's going on here?
1962
01:41:33,710 --> 01:41:34,790
Who the hell are you?
1963
01:41:35,000 --> 01:41:37,380
He really is extraordinary, isn't he?
1964
01:41:37,460 --> 01:41:39,880
You son of a bitch!
This is kidnapping!
1965
01:41:40,050 --> 01:41:41,800
No, it's not.
1966
01:41:42,050 --> 01:41:46,470
Kidnapping only applies to people.
And you, Ted, you're property.
1967
01:41:46,600 --> 01:41:48,470
Yeah, so is that fucking hairpiece.
1968
01:41:52,270 --> 01:41:53,810
What do you say there, happy face?
1969
01:41:53,980 --> 01:41:57,070
Right there. Death to Ming.
Yeah! Come on. All right.
1970
01:41:57,150 --> 01:41:58,650
Happy guy.
1971
01:41:58,820 --> 01:42:02,150
Right there. Death to Ming. Good, yeah.
1972
01:42:03,990 --> 01:42:05,240
Hey, Bennett!
1973
01:42:06,620 --> 01:42:07,620
Oh, shit!
1974
01:42:07,700 --> 01:42:09,160
You messed up my car.
1975
01:42:09,240 --> 01:42:10,790
What the hell is wrong with you?
1976
01:42:10,870 --> 01:42:13,460
Look, Sam, this is a really bad time,
all right? Something happened to Ted.
1977
01:42:13,540 --> 01:42:17,040
But it was a good time for you
to vandalize my Chrysler though.
1978
01:42:17,130 --> 01:42:18,880
Hey, fuck your Chrysler!
1979
01:42:28,220 --> 01:42:29,430
Holy shit!
1980
01:42:29,510 --> 01:42:31,850
Look, Donny, Donny!
You don't wanna do this! Okay?
1981
01:42:32,140 --> 01:42:33,850
Think about what happened at Fenway.
1982
01:42:33,940 --> 01:42:37,440
You remember? You cut me open, that's it!
I'm gone, dead!
1983
01:42:38,020 --> 01:42:39,610
Just a regular old teddy bear.
1984
01:42:39,690 --> 01:42:41,730
I won't be any fun then, will I?
1985
01:42:42,030 --> 01:42:43,700
This isn't about you, Ted.
1986
01:42:44,240 --> 01:42:45,740
You're only one bear.
1987
01:42:46,070 --> 01:42:47,740
We're gonna figure out what makes you real,
1988
01:42:47,820 --> 01:42:49,410
and then we're gonna make millions of Teds.
1989
01:42:49,490 --> 01:42:51,450
One for every child in the world.
1990
01:42:52,000 --> 01:42:53,370
One for me.
1991
01:42:55,420 --> 01:42:58,290
One that loves me
just as much as you love John.
1992
01:42:58,540 --> 01:43:01,130
Look, Donny, I can never love you.
1993
01:43:01,300 --> 01:43:04,050
God, that sounds fucked up.
Listen, I don't wanna die.
1994
01:43:04,220 --> 01:43:05,260
Okay? So, uh...
1995
01:43:05,630 --> 01:43:07,390
What if I gave you a hand job outside
1996
01:43:07,470 --> 01:43:09,220
your pants while you ate an ice cream?
1997
01:43:12,390 --> 01:43:14,060
I'll give you a minute.
1998
01:43:20,400 --> 01:43:21,400
Come here!
1999
01:43:55,020 --> 01:43:56,640
Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.
2000
01:43:56,980 --> 01:43:57,980
Ah!
2001
01:44:09,910 --> 01:44:10,950
Come here.
2002
01:44:17,120 --> 01:44:18,250
Come on.
2003
01:44:24,920 --> 01:44:26,760
I'll see you in heaven, Ted.
2004
01:44:34,220 --> 01:44:35,890
- Ted!
- Johnny!
2005
01:44:36,060 --> 01:44:37,100
Who the hell are you?
2006
01:44:37,640 --> 01:44:39,520
Get away from him, you bastard!
2007
01:44:39,600 --> 01:44:41,690
- Ted, you okay, buddy?
- Johnny, thank God!
2008
01:44:41,770 --> 01:44:42,770
I'm out.
2009
01:44:42,860 --> 01:44:45,190
Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go.
Come on, we can still do this.
2010
01:44:45,280 --> 01:44:47,900
You're on your own, Danny. I can't
be implicated in any of this.
2011
01:44:47,990 --> 01:44:49,150
Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
2012
01:44:49,490 --> 01:44:50,990
I work for Mattel.
2013
01:44:52,990 --> 01:44:54,330
You piece of shit.
2014
01:44:54,490 --> 01:44:56,660
Killing him at Fenway Park
wasn't enough for you, huh?
2015
01:44:57,290 --> 01:44:58,450
What do you wanna do now?
2016
01:44:58,540 --> 01:45:02,080
You don't deserve him, John.
You never did. You never did!
2017
01:45:02,380 --> 01:45:04,380
I've been wanting
to do this for a long time.
2018
01:45:06,840 --> 01:45:07,880
A-ha! I fucking knew it!
2019
01:45:09,050 --> 01:45:10,300
Come on.
2020
01:45:21,980 --> 01:45:25,060
Listen, Johnny, I wanna
tell you how sorry I am.
2021
01:45:25,230 --> 01:45:26,440
No, forget it, buddy.
2022
01:45:26,520 --> 01:45:29,320
Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't
have brushed it off. I'm so sorry.
2023
01:45:29,400 --> 01:45:30,490
No, listen to me.
2024
01:45:30,570 --> 01:45:32,820
Just listen to me.
You, too, Sam.
2025
01:45:32,910 --> 01:45:34,870
I acted like an asshole.
2026
01:45:34,950 --> 01:45:38,540
All right? I was just hurting
because I knew I'd lost.
2027
01:45:39,330 --> 01:45:43,460
And that, in the eyes of the
world, I'll always be property.
2028
01:45:44,210 --> 01:45:46,630
But you know what?
Who gives a shit? Right?
2029
01:45:46,710 --> 01:45:50,010
It doesn't matter what the world calls me.
I know who I am.
2030
01:45:50,380 --> 01:45:51,880
And that's all that's important.
2031
01:45:52,590 --> 01:45:54,340
And I know who my friends are.
2032
01:45:54,760 --> 01:45:56,050
And honest to God,
2033
01:45:56,140 --> 01:45:59,640
if you two want to be together,
nothing would make me happier.
2034
01:46:00,020 --> 01:46:01,480
Aw, buddy, I love you for that.
2035
01:46:01,560 --> 01:46:03,440
Thanks, Ted. That means a lot.
2036
01:46:05,610 --> 01:46:08,900
And for what it's worth,
as far as I'm concerned,
2037
01:46:09,530 --> 01:46:10,740
you're a person.
2038
01:46:11,190 --> 01:46:13,490
As much as anybody I've ever known.
2039
01:46:13,570 --> 01:46:18,410
Sam, that means the world coming from
someone who went to Arizona State.
2040
01:46:34,760 --> 01:46:35,930
Ted!
2041
01:46:44,940 --> 01:46:46,230
Holy shit! Johnny!
2042
01:46:46,350 --> 01:46:48,190
- Oh, my God. John!
- Johnny!
2043
01:46:48,270 --> 01:46:49,480
- John!
- Oh, Jesus!
2044
01:46:49,570 --> 01:46:51,030
- Are you okay?
- Johnny, you all right?
2045
01:46:51,110 --> 01:46:52,110
Shit.
2046
01:46:52,190 --> 01:46:53,530
- John, hey.
- Oh, my God.
2047
01:46:53,610 --> 01:46:54,860
Jesus, what happened here?
2048
01:46:54,950 --> 01:46:56,280
The rocket ship just hit him!
2049
01:46:56,450 --> 01:46:58,700
Jesus Christ, that's the starship
Enterprise... Forget it.
2050
01:46:58,780 --> 01:47:00,200
Somebody call 911!
2051
01:47:00,280 --> 01:47:02,160
Johnny? John, come on,
stay with me, pal.
2052
01:47:02,290 --> 01:47:04,540
We need an ambulance at 655 West 34th.
2053
01:47:04,620 --> 01:47:05,870
How the hell did it fall?
2054
01:47:05,960 --> 01:47:06,960
I don't know!
2055
01:47:10,000 --> 01:47:11,050
It was him!
2056
01:47:11,130 --> 01:47:12,510
The guy dressed like the Ninja Turtle!
2057
01:47:17,930 --> 01:47:18,970
Which one?
2058
01:47:19,140 --> 01:47:22,770
All right, two can play this Where'sWaldo shit, you son of a bitch!
2059
01:47:22,850 --> 01:47:24,100
Sam, give me your phone.
2060
01:47:44,330 --> 01:47:45,330
That's him.
2061
01:47:49,290 --> 01:47:50,330
Get off me!
2062
01:47:50,960 --> 01:47:52,210
Get off me!
2063
01:47:54,630 --> 01:47:55,840
Johnny?
2064
01:47:56,300 --> 01:47:57,470
Johnny, come on.
2065
01:47:58,130 --> 01:47:59,760
Johnny, you got to wake up, pal.
2066
01:48:00,340 --> 01:48:01,390
Johnny, wake up!
2067
01:48:02,140 --> 01:48:03,560
Wake up, Johnny.
2068
01:48:04,470 --> 01:48:05,890
Johnny.
2069
01:48:05,980 --> 01:48:07,350
Johnny, wake up!
2070
01:48:08,730 --> 01:48:10,560
Johnny, wake up.
2071
01:48:56,070 --> 01:48:58,900
Hi. How is he?
Is he gonna come out of it?
2072
01:48:59,240 --> 01:49:02,110
I don't know, Ms. Jackson.
We've done everything we can
2073
01:49:02,320 --> 01:49:04,330
and it's all up to him now.
2074
01:49:14,420 --> 01:49:15,590
John,
2075
01:49:16,420 --> 01:49:18,090
please wake up.
2076
01:49:26,720 --> 01:49:27,720
Somebody help!
2077
01:49:27,810 --> 01:49:29,350
- Oh, my God, John!
- John? Johnny?
2078
01:49:29,520 --> 01:49:31,440
Hello?
There's something happening.
2079
01:49:31,640 --> 01:49:32,690
Mr. Bennett?
2080
01:49:33,150 --> 01:49:35,060
- Something's wrong.
- What's going on? What's happening to him?
2081
01:49:35,150 --> 01:49:36,610
Mr. Bennett? John?
2082
01:49:37,440 --> 01:49:39,780
- We have a Code Blue in Room 134!
- What does that mean?
2083
01:49:39,860 --> 01:49:41,200
I'm sorry. You three are
gonna have to wait outside.
2084
01:49:42,610 --> 01:49:43,660
The doctors will do everything they can,
2085
01:49:43,740 --> 01:49:45,830
but I need you to go to the
waiting area now, please.
2086
01:49:45,910 --> 01:49:47,080
Excuse me, excuse me.
2087
01:49:47,160 --> 01:49:48,200
What's the status?
2088
01:49:48,290 --> 01:49:49,870
He was stable a minute ago
and now he's unresponsive.
2089
01:49:49,950 --> 01:49:52,120
The monitor says he's in asystole.
He's not breathing, no pulse.
2090
01:49:52,210 --> 01:49:53,790
Start compressions.
Prepare to intubate.
2091
01:49:53,920 --> 01:49:55,040
Give him a milligram of epinephrine.
2092
01:50:25,360 --> 01:50:26,990
I'm sorry.
2093
01:50:28,450 --> 01:50:29,620
He didn't make it.
2094
01:50:33,290 --> 01:50:34,370
What?
2095
01:50:35,830 --> 01:50:37,040
Johnny.
2096
01:50:37,790 --> 01:50:39,960
If you'd like, you can go in
2097
01:50:40,050 --> 01:50:41,710
and say your goodbyes.
2098
01:51:21,550 --> 01:51:22,840
Johnny.
2099
01:51:25,050 --> 01:51:26,970
You were my thunder buddy.
2100
01:51:29,390 --> 01:51:31,810
You were my thunder buddy for life.
2101
01:51:34,140 --> 01:51:37,900
And you gave up your own life to save mine.
2102
01:51:41,190 --> 01:51:42,940
The only problem is
2103
01:51:45,240 --> 01:51:48,490
I don't know how my life works without you.
2104
01:51:52,790 --> 01:51:54,250
Goodbye, John.
2105
01:51:57,460 --> 01:51:59,380
I got you, motherfucker!
2106
01:52:00,630 --> 01:52:03,170
Holy shit! Zombie!
He's a fucking zombie!
2107
01:52:03,920 --> 01:52:05,590
I totally fucking got you!
2108
01:52:06,420 --> 01:52:07,550
Holy shit!
2109
01:52:07,630 --> 01:52:09,470
You should have seen your fucking face!
2110
01:52:09,720 --> 01:52:10,970
You son of a bitch!
2111
01:52:11,050 --> 01:52:12,560
That was fucking classic!
2112
01:52:12,640 --> 01:52:15,560
Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because
I made you think that I was retarded!
2113
01:52:15,640 --> 01:52:17,020
You made me think you were retarded!
2114
01:52:17,100 --> 01:52:18,140
Oh! Well done!
2115
01:52:18,270 --> 01:52:20,020
Well done, man. High five.
2116
01:52:20,100 --> 01:52:21,150
High five.
2117
01:52:21,270 --> 01:52:23,270
What the fuck is going on?
2118
01:52:23,360 --> 01:52:27,530
What's going on, is this guy just won
the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.
2119
01:52:27,610 --> 01:52:30,160
You are the fucking greatest, man.
Holy shit!
2120
01:52:30,610 --> 01:52:32,370
Wait. How was the doctor in on it?
2121
01:52:32,450 --> 01:52:34,540
They got me out of it with the paddles.
I was totally fine.
2122
01:52:34,620 --> 01:52:36,000
So I talked him into
going along with the bit.
2123
01:52:36,080 --> 01:52:38,040
Hey, Doc, it worked out
hilarious. Thanks.
2124
01:52:38,290 --> 01:52:40,290
No problem.
We're a fun hospital.
2125
01:52:40,580 --> 01:52:43,750
You asshole!
You think this shit is funny?
2126
01:52:44,000 --> 01:52:45,500
Do you know how devastated I was?
2127
01:52:45,590 --> 01:52:47,260
I put a frowny face on Facebook!
2128
01:52:47,340 --> 01:52:49,760
How am I supposed to
explain that to everybody?
2129
01:52:50,050 --> 01:52:52,090
You could change your
relationship status from "single"
2130
01:52:52,180 --> 01:52:54,350
to "it's complicated."
2131
01:52:54,810 --> 01:52:56,890
You're gonna have to do a lot
better than that.
2132
01:52:57,850 --> 01:53:01,560
How about, "in a relationship
with John Bennett"?
2133
01:53:02,350 --> 01:53:05,980
Well, we'll have to talk about that.
2134
01:53:10,860 --> 01:53:12,490
Okay, well, good talk.
2135
01:53:18,000 --> 01:53:19,330
Hey, if you guys want to bang,
2136
01:53:19,410 --> 01:53:20,790
me and Teddy can totally leave the room.
2137
01:53:20,870 --> 01:53:23,130
No, no, honey, honey,
they're classy, they're not like us.
2138
01:53:23,210 --> 01:53:24,880
They're good people.
2139
01:53:25,090 --> 01:53:28,130
I'm happy to see everyone
has made a full recovery.
2140
01:53:28,260 --> 01:53:29,340
- Mr. Meighan.
- What the hell?
2141
01:53:29,420 --> 01:53:30,550
Holy shit!
2142
01:53:30,630 --> 01:53:31,930
Is it all right if I come in?
2143
01:53:32,470 --> 01:53:33,890
Sure, yeah.
2144
01:53:34,850 --> 01:53:36,220
How are you feeling, John?
2145
01:53:36,640 --> 01:53:37,970
I'm alive.
2146
01:53:38,520 --> 01:53:39,980
You're very lucky.
2147
01:53:40,140 --> 01:53:42,060
I saw what you did on TV.
2148
01:53:42,230 --> 01:53:44,360
Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did.
2149
01:53:44,520 --> 01:53:47,320
You know why?
Because he's a person.
2150
01:53:47,690 --> 01:53:48,780
And no matter how many
2151
01:53:48,860 --> 01:53:50,360
of you smart-ass Harvard
lawyers try to keep him down,
2152
01:53:50,440 --> 01:53:51,650
you're not gonna change that.
2153
01:53:51,740 --> 01:53:53,160
Not in our eyes.
2154
01:53:53,360 --> 01:53:54,490
Ted is real.
2155
01:53:54,820 --> 01:53:56,370
So you can go fuck yourself.
2156
01:53:57,280 --> 01:53:58,580
I will.
2157
01:53:59,200 --> 01:54:01,750
And as soon as I'm done fucking myself,
2158
01:54:02,120 --> 01:54:04,120
I'd like to take your case, Ted.
2159
01:54:04,380 --> 01:54:05,420
- What?
- Seriously?
2160
01:54:05,500 --> 01:54:07,130
- Oh, my God!
- You heard that?
2161
01:54:07,210 --> 01:54:09,090
- Oh, my gosh!
- I don't believe it!
2162
01:54:10,380 --> 01:54:12,010
- Maybe we don't want you now.
- Shut up.
2163
01:54:12,090 --> 01:54:14,050
No, yeah, we want you.
For sure, we want you.
2164
01:54:14,130 --> 01:54:16,010
What made you change your mind?
2165
01:54:16,180 --> 01:54:18,310
Well, when I saw what John did for you,
2166
01:54:19,140 --> 01:54:21,890
that he was willing to
give his life for yours,
2167
01:54:22,310 --> 01:54:24,310
it gave me a kick in the ass.
2168
01:54:24,400 --> 01:54:27,610
Reminded me of why I chose
to do the kind of work I do.
2169
01:54:28,820 --> 01:54:31,030
I'm sorry I turned you away.
2170
01:54:31,110 --> 01:54:32,490
I was wrong.
2171
01:54:33,240 --> 01:54:34,780
As far as I'm concerned,
2172
01:54:35,030 --> 01:54:39,200
anyone who can inspire that
kind of love in another person
2173
01:54:39,290 --> 01:54:41,160
deserves to be called human.
2174
01:54:42,330 --> 01:54:43,410
You mean it?
2175
01:54:43,500 --> 01:54:45,080
I certainly do.
2176
01:54:45,960 --> 01:54:46,960
So,
2177
01:54:47,250 --> 01:54:48,880
shall we get started?
2178
01:54:59,180 --> 01:55:00,850
What defines a person?
2179
01:55:03,270 --> 01:55:04,980
What defines property?
2180
01:55:06,150 --> 01:55:07,770
What's the difference?
2181
01:55:09,480 --> 01:55:13,780
The anthropologist and
ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes
2182
01:55:14,150 --> 01:55:19,280
argues that the standards for
personhood include self-awareness,
2183
01:55:19,950 --> 01:55:23,120
an ability to understand complex emotions
2184
01:55:23,450 --> 01:55:26,000
and a capacity for empathy.
2185
01:55:27,830 --> 01:55:32,800
We're all in agreement
that Ted is self-aware.
2186
01:55:35,220 --> 01:55:36,380
What is your name?
2187
01:55:36,970 --> 01:55:38,510
Ted Clubber Lang.
2188
01:55:43,220 --> 01:55:46,690
As for complex emotions
and the capacity for empathy,
2189
01:55:47,440 --> 01:55:49,690
we all saw the distressing images
2190
01:55:49,770 --> 01:55:52,230
of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend,
2191
01:55:52,730 --> 01:55:53,780
John Bennett.
2192
01:55:54,280 --> 01:55:55,950
In those images,
2193
01:55:56,070 --> 01:56:01,120
Ted exhibits all of the remaining
qualities of personhood.
2194
01:56:03,240 --> 01:56:05,620
It's right there for anyone to see.
2195
01:56:06,830 --> 01:56:11,210
And I believe that a just
court must, by definition,
2196
01:56:12,040 --> 01:56:15,880
grant basic human rights
to all those who deserve them,
2197
01:56:17,170 --> 01:56:19,890
just as the Emancipation Proclamation
2198
01:56:20,140 --> 01:56:23,680
and the Thirteenth Amendment
did so many years ago.
2199
01:56:26,270 --> 01:56:28,890
So, ladies and gentlemen of the court,
2200
01:56:31,060 --> 01:56:32,980
I invite you
2201
01:56:34,360 --> 01:56:36,570
to change the world.
2202
01:56:56,170 --> 01:56:59,300
Well, Johnny, this is the second
time you've made me real.
2203
01:57:00,050 --> 01:57:01,180
Thanks, pal.
2204
01:57:01,260 --> 01:57:03,140
Hey, you were always real to me, buddy.
2205
01:57:03,300 --> 01:57:04,470
Even when you weren't.
2206
01:57:04,640 --> 01:57:05,890
Congratulations, Ted.
2207
01:57:06,270 --> 01:57:07,560
Thanks, Sam.
2208
01:57:09,520 --> 01:57:10,560
Ted!
2209
01:57:10,890 --> 01:57:12,770
- Ted!
- Ted! Over here!
2210
01:57:12,860 --> 01:57:14,060
Ted!
2211
01:57:15,440 --> 01:57:17,230
This is quite a victory for you.
2212
01:57:17,320 --> 01:57:19,400
Is there any statement
that you'd like to make
2213
01:57:19,490 --> 01:57:20,900
now that you're legally a person?
2214
01:57:21,450 --> 01:57:22,870
Yes, there is.
2215
01:57:25,280 --> 01:57:26,790
Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
2216
01:57:27,160 --> 01:57:28,830
will you marry me?
2217
01:57:30,410 --> 01:57:31,580
Yes.
2218
01:57:37,300 --> 01:57:40,090
And so our story comes to an end.
2219
01:57:40,420 --> 01:57:43,390
Ted and Tami-Lynn
were married once again,
2220
01:57:43,470 --> 01:57:48,180
and soon afterward, They adopted
a fine, young baby boy.
2221
01:57:48,430 --> 01:57:50,600
Johnny, meet your new godson,
2222
01:57:50,770 --> 01:57:52,520
Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.
2223
01:57:52,600 --> 01:57:54,690
Oh, Teddy, he's adorable.
2224
01:57:54,860 --> 01:57:57,520
Oh! And we got something for him, too.
John, show him.
2225
01:57:57,610 --> 01:57:59,030
Oh, shit, yeah. Hold on.
2226
01:57:59,110 --> 01:58:00,570
He got you something.
2227
01:58:02,150 --> 01:58:03,200
Huh?
2228
01:58:03,280 --> 01:58:04,700
Oh, Johnny!
2229
01:58:04,870 --> 01:58:06,740
Oh, Johnny, it's perfect.
2230
01:58:06,910 --> 01:58:09,750
Hey, you know, maybe someday,
if you wish hard enough,
2231
01:58:09,910 --> 01:58:11,250
maybe he'll come to life
2232
01:58:11,410 --> 01:58:13,540
and you guys can do
all kinds of drugs together.
2233
01:58:13,830 --> 01:58:15,540
That's all I want for him.
2234
01:58:15,630 --> 01:58:19,550
Oh! It smells like somebody's
got a poopy diaper.
2235
01:58:19,710 --> 01:58:20,920
Teddy, it's your turn to change him.
2236
01:58:21,220 --> 01:58:22,550
Oh, yeah, no problem.
2237
01:58:27,760 --> 01:58:29,680
He's not sick, it's just baby doody.
2238
01:58:31,140 --> 01:58:33,020
- Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
- No.
2239
01:58:33,140 --> 01:58:34,560
All right. Here, catch.
2240
01:58:34,650 --> 01:58:37,060
Oh, Teddy, what the fuck?
2241
01:58:37,190 --> 01:58:40,150
Holy shit!
Oh, you motherfucker!
2242
01:58:40,320 --> 01:58:43,070
Hashtag "Shit happens."
160867
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