All language subtitles for Slow.Learners.2015.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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♪

You look exactly like
your profile pic.

Thank you.

Even more, uh, even prettier.

You actually...

actually don't look anything
like your profile picture.

Oh, there's a funny story behind that.

I just got over shingles, and they were,
like, straight across my face.

So I grew a beard, and
I put that one up.

Now it doesn't look like
me, because in

that picture I had both
shingles and a beard.

But I am shingle-free,
clean as a whistle.

So, Anne Martin, what brings you in?

Oh, um, they did an STD
assembly at the school

where I work, and it kind
of freaked me out, so I

just wanted to come in and make
sure everything was okay.

Great.

I just have a couple of
basic questions here.

Do you smoke?

No.

Do you do drugs?

-No.
-Drink alcohol?

A little Chardonnay occasionally,
but, um, not really, no.

Have you traveled out of the country
in the last six months?

No.

Have you had intercourse with anyone
from a foreign country?

No.

Okay.

Have you had anal intercourse?

-No.
-I mean...

I don't want to sound judgy,
it's not for everyone.

It could be for me, maybe
under the right

circumstances, I'd have
to be very relaxed.

But I'm not like in an anal place.

Okay.

No.

Maybe you have a silencer.

Yes.

That's a lot of onions.

Yeah, I like onions.

Make you cry.

Yeah, you know, actually, my eyes
were bigger than my stomach.

I just suddenly not really
hungry at all, and

I realize I have a very early
morning tomorrow.

You can go if you want.

You can just box it up.

No.

I know what it means.

Can you be honest with me?

What is it about me that is, like, that
makes you not want to stay here?

Honestly?

Yeah.

It's, like, everything, starting
with your face first.

Just, like, the expression
on it is really bad.

You sort of look like you're smelling
something that doesn't smell

good, or, like, you're, like, squinting,
even though you're wearing glasses.

Like, your eyes don't work.

You kind of look like a
lesbian newscaster,

because you're effeminate, but
not in, like, a good way.

It's almost insulting to
women, the way you're

effeminate, because, like,
you're not androgynous.

You're just, like, soft and doughy.

You don't look like you have bones
under your body at all.

You're just sort of, like,
an old baby, you know?

You just seem very uncomfortable.

You know, like, a little bit, you're
apologizing for your existence.

That's a complete answer.

When was the last time you
engaged in intercourse?

Do you mean, like, a full-on
kind of interview?

I would say about...

about coming up on a year,
a little over a year.

It's like a shade over a year.

So you're abstinent?

-No.
-Mm-mm.
-No, I'm not abstinent.

I'm just, um...

It's not like a spiritual kind of cleansing
thing, which is abstinence.

It's more just like, oh, gosh,
is it March already?

So...

♪

♪

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Are you choking?

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Come on.

-Come on.
-Come on.

Let it out.

Let it out.

Thank you very much.

Oh

How do you want to handle the check?

You want to split it, or?

♪

♪

♪

♪

I don't want to go.

Oh, you don't want to go, huh?

-No.
-No?
-You want to stay?

Oh, hey.

You know what? Jeffrey
will walk you out.

Oh, yeah.

I could walk you out. I just
have a very specific

window of time when my, um, commute
is easier than, um...

Okay, so you're good,
and I'm good, so...

♪

Americans are forever searching
for love in

forms it never takes and
places it can never be.

Oh, that's, um, uh, Kurt...

Kurt Vonnegut. Kurt Vonnegut. Yeah, I
was right there, tip of my tongue.

So how was your date?

Oh, not great.

I choked on a piece of soft
food out of nerves.

How is the doctor?

Oh, um, apparently I'm
clinically absent.

Clinically absent?

Yeah, it's a thing, and I've got it.

I've never heard anybody
diagnosed with that.

Hi.

Um, speaking of, have you
talked to Max about me?

Yeah, you went on one date with
him three months ago.

I would let it go, you know?

No, it's just a great date.

I mean, actually, I'm
not counting, but it

was technically two and
a half months ago.

If you're using the term technically,
then you're counting.

Well, technically, it's not counting.

-I'm just guessing.
-Mr. Lowe, please

thank your mother for running
the bake sale.

I have never known the parent of a faculty
member to be so involved in school.

Oh, and my tits are leaking
like a motherfucker.

Principal Miller.

Language, Julia?

So sorry about that.

Last day of school.

And your shirt sleeves
are a little short.

Yeah, I actually think so, too.

I'm going to go put on a cardigan.

Now.

You're a gorgeous woman.

Cardigan, now.

Don't run.

But hurry.

It's the last day of school.

Everyone's letting their
hair down, you know?

Not on my watch.

Oh.

OK, I don't know what that means.

I just clam up whenever
she comes around.

Yeah.

Well, maybe we'll have, you know, some luck
at the end of year party tonight.

You mean like more luck than the year
that you clogged up the toilet?

Actually, that was the year before.

Oh, then more luck than the year you
walked through a screen door.

OK, but in my defense, they
should just put a ribbon

across those things, because
you can't always see them.

You're right. They should sell every screen
door with a big ribbon on it.

I'm just putting it out there.

Maybe we'll have more luck
this year, because

there'll be all that faculty
from Ben Franklin High.

So there'll be more people to meet.

Yeah, maybe they'll get a
kick out of my foibles.

Maybe don't use the word foibles.

Oh.

Duly noted, sir.

That's not great either.

Oh, boy.

Maybe you should be paying a little
more attention to your

studies and less attention to how
much sex your peers are having.

How else am I going to know?

Get out of here.

Enjoy your last moments
here being educated.

How old were you when you
lost your virginity?

20.

That's not an option.

♪

♪

Yeah, so we were just there and,
like, I don't know, you left.

I was like, where did you go?

What?

I swear to God, he's such a dick face.

Okay, I know you don't
have any work to do,

but, guys, it's still called
the study hall.

I have to go.

I'll call you later.

Thank you.

Okay everybody, have a great summer.

Don't forget to read.

Woo-hoo!

Slut.

♪

♪

Alright, I got this one.

guys, be careful.

Oh, that

♪

-Hey, guys.
-It's cool.

Cool to see you.

Good. Good, good, good.

This is Ned's cabinet.

Um...

Is this your house?

Oh, no.

It's just cleaning up,
making myself useful.

Do you want to help?

Sure.

-Cool.
-Thanks so much.

That guy was hot.

What was that all about?

He was really cute, and then
he gave me his garbage.

Put that garbage down.

Stop.

The beauty of coming to someone else's

house or party is that you
can just make a mess.

You don't have to clean
up after anybody.

How do you do it?

You're so put together.

I mean, you've just got,
like, Al, the baby.

I am not put together.

But I do have a little...

-I guess...
-I don't know.
-I don't know

if it's a secret, but
it's something I do.

Please, tell me.

I'm swinging in the wind here.

Are you familiar with Kegeling?

Yeah, that's the, um...

the squeezing of the vaginal walls.

Makes me feel confident, powerful, but

kind of out of use, you
know what I'm saying?

It's like a glass of wine
for the prives.

Ooh, I like that.

What are you doing with your face?

Relax your jaw.

Don't overthink it.

Just do it.

Just squeeze.

Now you look like a zombie.

You're not blinking whatsoever now.

That seems like it's easier.

-No.
-Hey, honey.

Um, sorry.

-Hey, Al.
-I just spoke with the sitter,

and apparently the baby's
being very fussy.

Oh, no.

-Yeah, sorry.
-I think we have to go.

All right, will you pull the car around?

I'll be right out. I will indeed.
Are you okay with me going?

Yeah, go get your damn baby.

I'm just kidding.

-I love her.
-She's so sweet.

I love you.

Happy summer.

-Happy summer.
-Enjoy.

Yeah, I will now.

-And get out there.
-Yeah, I will.

I'm just gonna...

Hey Carol, what a terrific
school year.

Can I make you a snack plate?

I'm not eating.

I'm only drinking clear
liquids now, so no.

Man, Carol is so irritable.

She's a real hothead.

She must be hungry all the time.

That's my problem, you know.

I'm a nice guy.

I'm almost too nice.

I ask people if they
want a snack plate.

I go to work every day.

I pay my taxes.

And what's my reward?

Maybe it's not about your rewards.

Maybe it's more about just, like, being
comfortable in your own skin.

Be yourself.

Everybody else has already taken.

Oh, um...

Let's ask her why. Yes.
God, you're so quick.

You don't give me enough time.
Because you're so slow.

You have a quick trigger finger.

-Yeah, I do.
-Pew!

I gotta pee.

Get in the mix.

It's a nice shirt.

Thank you.

Or is it a blouse?

How can you tell?

Where are you?

No.

Nobody good here.

I heard that.

I have my own thing to take care of.

What?

Ann?

You think your dad got lost
looking for the tables?

I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

-Ah, ah, ah.
-There it is.

-Perfect.
-Yeah, put it right there.

How many guests are we expecting?

One?

Well, this...

That's only the first of many.

Don't you think we're planning a little
early for this birthday party?

I mean, you don't turn
65 for two months.

There is nothing wrong
with planning early.

Yeah. Besides, it allows
people to, you know,

mark their calendars and maybe
even bring a date.

Yeah, are you planning
on bringing a date?

I sure am not, Dad.

Okay, just asking.

What about that Ann?

Wow, she's super.

Please, it's weird to hear you breathe
deep like that and talk about her.

I just said she's super.

I'm gonna put her on the list.

Did you ever ask her out?

No, I have never asked her out
because we're good friends.

I don't want anything to ruin that, and
she does not see me like that, so...

She's into my neighbor.

Do you know any gay couples?

I mean, I know a couple gay couples.

Why?

Well, we could add them
to the list and

you could maybe bring a
special person too.

I'm sorry

Are you implying that I'm
gay if you have trouble

coming out Let us come in I

don't want to go in wait.

I I'm sorry.

I'm still having trouble with the math
of this Why even if I was gay?

Why would I invite a gay couple
to feel more comfortable?

Yeah, they're already a couple

Balloons.

Or are they a little too young?

Why don't we get a bouncy castle?

-No.
-Balloons it is.

Thank you, dear. And, Jeffrey, you're
in charge of the balloons.

Okay, I'll get those balloons
in two months.

In a quarter of a year.

Before two months.

It's gonna sneak up on you, all of a
sudden, you're gonna need balloons.

And then you're gonna
have flat balloons.

You still have to get balloons today.
You can't get balloons early.

No, no, no, I'm getting them in
advance. Just line them up,

know where you're gonna get them,
and, you know, I'm the dean.

Line them up and know where
I'm gonna get them?

I'm not invading Pakistan.

Darren, Darren, he's gonna take care
of them, right, sweetheart?

Yes, I'll take care of them.

-Listen to me.
-Uh-huh?

I'm just gonna show up and bump into

Max after book club like
I did when we met.

And don't you think that's gonna
come off a little creepy?

No, I think it's romantic.

Okay, someone's gotta say it.

If he was feeling the
Anne train, don't

you think he would've hopped
aboard by now?

Well, maybe he's playing hard to get.

I mean, I don't know.

I can't be the only person
who feels this way.

Anne? Okay, more importantly,
what am I wearing?

Hmm, something slimming, maybe black.

Whatever you choose, just not
the fucking cat sweater.

First of all, it's summer,
and second of all,

I don't even really have
that sweater anymore.

Okay everybody, I want to thank you
guys for coming to Book Club.

We are in session.

Dan, you picked the book
for this week.

Of Mice and Men.

Oh, come on, Dan.

He's doing this on purpose, guys.

-I love this book.
-Yeah, I know.

You've read it like a thousand times.

Yeah, more than that.

It's great. He's just doing
this to piss me off, guys.

Not true. It is true, because my name's
Lenny, and my entire life,

whenever I tell someone my name is Lenny,
they ask me if I'm retarded.

Come on, man. A lot of people
have the name Lenny.

Now that you mention it, I'm actually
picturing you as Lenny

in the book, and it's making it
a lot more accessible for me.

What's the connection to the book?

He's a retarded guy who kills animals.

He's a retarded guy. Don't spoil
the whole book for him.

He didn't read it yet.

My entire life I've had
to deal with it.

I just tell somebody,
go, hi, I'm Lenny,

and they're like, oh,
this guy's retarded.

Well, maybe it's the cadence
with which you say it.

What, the cadence of
how I'm saying it?

Hi, I'm Lenny.

There's nothing, what?

Yeah, why are you doing it like that?

Yeah, it sounds bad.

I mean, you're wearing
socks with sandals.

Yeah, because I'm not retarded.

I wear sandals because
my feet sweat, and I

wear the socks to catch that sweat.

So the socks help the sandal, and the
sandal help the sock not retarded.

You feel like a jerk.

All right, guys, are we gonna
get into the book or not?

Because, I mean, I can always go
downtown and have a drink.

On Sunday?

Sunday night.

Yeah, people go out on Sunday, guys.

Girls go out on Sundays.

Yeah, crazy people are out on Sundays.

It would be nice to meet
some girls, though.

I mean, I know you guys haven't
had dates in a long time.

That's not true. Yeah,
that's not true.

I have a girlfriend, and I
don't have a girlfriend.

You just started that sentence by
saying, I have a girlfriend.

-Yeah.
-Why would you do that?

I just wanted to hear what it would
sound like coming out of my mouth.

It's such an inappropriate time
to experiment with that.

I'm just glad, because it sounded
like he had murdered a girl.

What happened to her?

She was here.

Now she's not with us anymore.

Okay, the term not with us
anymore implies death.

It's almost like you admitted
to murdering or

killing a woman, and then she
did not feel sure about it.

Okay, well, then why aren't
you dating her anymore?

Because I just, I buried her
in the past, you know?

Well, what does that mean? So, wait,
you do have a girlfriend?

Did you murder a girl?

Or did you, like, bury her somewhere, and
you don't know if she's passed yet?

Guys, this is an inappropriate
conversation.

I gotta tell you that if a
police questioned me and

said, did you notice anything
weird about Dan lately,

this would be the first conversation
that I would bring up.

Just tell us there's no girl
that we don't know.

I never had a girlfriend.

All right.

Thank God.

I go on dates all the time.

-No, you don't.
-Come on, Lenny.

When was the last time you
were out on a date?

What day is today?

-Sunday?
-1986.

Guys, I think we need to...

change what's going on with us.

We're-year-olds. Guys,
we have a book club.

I wear khaki every day.

I haven't been on a successful
date in a long time.

We need to live cool.

You know, we need to, like,
be on the edge of the...

What does that mean? It's
like the bracelets.

Live cool bracelets. Yeah, it's
like the live cool bracelets.

-Live strong.
-Guys, guys, guys, guys.

You don't have to change anything about
yourselves to be cool, okay?

You just have to be...

cool.

-Whoa.
-That was awesome.

Yeah.

I'm gonna write that down.

-Wow.
-Thanks, man.

Sure.

All right, look, guys.

I'm gonna get out of here.
I'm gonna get a drink.

We'll do this next week, though.

Yeah? Yeah. All right. Yep. But,
uh, Jeff, you know what?

Why don't you take this, OK?

Whoa. You want me to have your
summertime leather jacket?

Yeah.

Who knows?

Maybe it'll help you on your journey.

Then again, it might also hurt.

But isn't that everything in life?

Wow.

That was cool, too. Write
that down, too.

How do you do that? Get that
one on there, too.

Oh, my God.

Oh, the book club.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

I was just... I was just
walking around.

-I was running.
-I was at yoga.

I was doing Pilates.

And I had my books.

And I was... I just wanted
to see you, though.

-Anne.
-I...
-I...
-I...

-Is this Max?
-Yeah.

Max!

Isa!

You're not in the book club.

Oh yeah, I skipped out a little early.

Grabbed a drink and a sandwich.

Oh, a drink and a sandwich.

Yeah.

It's so good to see you.

I said sandwich.

Um, it's...

Come inside.

Mmm.

-Yeah.
-Mmhmm.
-I like beer.

I don't have my watch, but how
long, how long has it been?

What?

Well, we saw each other.

Oh.

God, I, I literally have
no recollection of it.

And me neither, it was like three
months ago and I don't know.

Okay.

I was, that guy, I was looking at him.

Oh, yeah, I painted that.

You did?

Yeah, it's, it's gouache.

It's gouache.

Starts with a G, gouache.

It's gouache. Yeah, it's
the kind of paint.

It's, it's fickle.

Yeah. Paint, it's got this
really wonderful texture.

It's kind of like, it's like a woman.

You gotta sort of, you gotta
warm it up a little

bit and sort of, you know,
show that you're

ready to play before you spread
it around a little bit.

It's dirty, it must be dirty.

Yeah, it gets a little messy.

That's part of the fun, right?

Yeah, I like to get messy.

Hello?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What the hell are you doing here?

I thought I took back my key.

Yeah, you did.

But I made a copy first
from the key copier.

That is so like you.

Get out.

-No.
-What do you want?

What do you think?

I want my apology.

For what?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Look, look, look. I know that I can
be a dick sometimes, all right?

I don't mean it.

Was that his apology?

Because it didn't sound like one.

What was that?

Give me that key.

Come and get him.

You know I'm going to go down there.

What are you going to do? What are you
going to do when you're there?

What are you going to do
when you're down there?

You're going to sniff around because
you're a little dog.

Slow it down.

You're going to sniff around because
you're a fucking dog.

Got him.

-Yeah, you remember?
-Oh, yeah.

Remember Amber? I remember you.

Remember Amber?

You know that I won't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, God, you smell so fucking good.

You smell like shit.

Such, such shit.

And you don't get to look
me in the eyes.

I won't look. I won't look. OK,
I got all my books, so.

Hi, I'm Ann.

Ann?

You don't deserve it.

I don't deserve it. You
don't deserve it.

I don't deserve it.

Well, now you remember, right?

-Bad boy.
-I want your attention.

-Bad boy.
-Please.

Please.

-Please.
-Please.

What do you see when you look at me?

Like right now?

Yeah, like this.

I think you look like you work at
a cell phone kiosk in the mall.

I dress like this to seduce Max.

Okay.

This was your seductive look?

I was going for like sexy librarian or
like euro kind of just, you know?

Like, what is this?

You kind of look like my mom's
financial advisor.

Yeah.

I just feel like I'm tired
of being such a dork.

Yes. Yeah, I want to be one of those
guys that like starts dating

a girl and then the girl's parents
get all freaked out because

they think the guy's going to steal
her TV and sell it for drug money.

I want to be like, you know,
one of those girls

whose parents don't want her
to come home for Christmas.

I want to be a guy that no
matter where they are,

there's a possibility that he could
have sex in a bathroom.

I want to be sex in the
bathroom, people.

That's so cool. I want
to get arrested.

For having sex in a bathroom.

I want to be on cops.

How do we do this?

How is this done?

-I don't know.
-How is this done?

I don't know. Play to our strengths.
Play to our strengths.

Okay, well my biggest strength is
helping kids apply to colleges.

And I'm really good at research.

-So, we're screwed.
-We need help.

♪

Al gets into such cool parties.

I know, right?

-Yeah.
-Oh, you've got to meet this guy.

So you're Julia, right?

Al's wife.

Yeah. Yeah. And you should
meet my friend Anne.

Enchante.

I'm Anne.

Big fan.

-Sorry.
-I should tone it down.

I'm fanning out on you.

I was actually hoping maybe
to get an album.

So are you selling merchandise?

Or...

-Hi.
-How you doing, man?

-Come with me, buddy.
-What's up, man?

Hi, Al.

I really came on strong.

-A little bit.
-It's OK.
-It's OK.

Hey.

Oh.

Before I forget to say this,
you look beautiful tonight.

Whatever, bitch.

Um, what was that?

I don't know. I'm just... I'm
trying this new thing.

And, um, I just want to be crazy.

You know? I want to go wild. What were
you doing talking to that man?

-Yeah.
-Oh.
-The guy in the hat?

Oh, that was your boyfriend?

Oh.

We're having a little disagreement
about that right now.

Oh, no, no, no.

I was... I was... I was
just saying hi.

His music is wonderful.

Oh, OK.

-That's cool.
-That's cool.

You know how it is, you know?

When you love a man so much, you know, that
you end up in jail for your love.

You know what I mean?
Then you get out,

and you see some girl,
like, talking to him.

-Yeah.
-And you want to, like, stab her.

-Yeah.
-But you can't.

Sounds complicated.

Anyway, have a...

Have a lovely night. We're just discussing
some stuff about my friend here.

You want to go crazy, I heard, though.

-I do.
-I just...
-Look at me.

I'm dressed like a band leader.

I feel like I need a little something.

Yeah. Yeah, I can do
that. Spice it up.

All that needs... Yeah, you
need to just make it more.

Let me tell you something, girl.

If you want to keep your
man, you've got to

follow some very simple instructions,
all right?

-Very simple.
-Follow them to a T.

Number one, if he doesn't
pick up his phone

when you're calling him,
you just keep calling.

And if he doesn't answer,
what do you do?

Stop calling.

You hunt him down.

Yes. OK? Yeah, like he's
a wild animal.

Yeah. Oh, tell him about the
bunny. The bunny python.

Oh, girl, you're going to love this.

You really... You're
going to love this.

Let me tell you something. First of all,
you need to appear unpredictable.

That's right. All right? First, one
day, you are cute and vulnerable.

Just like a bunny.

-Yes.
-Like a cute little bunny.
-Yes.

Look at me. And the next, you
are irrational and stabby.

All right?

Men love crazy pussy.

-They love it.
-They love it.

Oh, my God.

I want to try a bunny python.

-That's right.
-Keep him on his toes.

That's how it keeps it real and fresh.

Yes. I like it. That's
what you got to do.

And then he'll just keep
coming back for

more because he wants to
fuck that bunny out.

He ain't going to get
that bunny, girl.

-You know what, Tyree?
-The restraining

order does not say that
you have to be rough.

A hundred feet is a hundred feet.

It's technical.

It's technical, girl.

Well, that was...

That was awesome.

That was awesome.

Who are you?

I'm a man, bitch.

Sorry.

-I'm sorry.
-It still doesn't work.

I hate calling other women bitches.

Yeah, it's not good. It's offensive
and aggressive.

It's anti-feminist.

It's gender-specific violence.

-Ew.
-And it's just...
-It's not for me.

So let's cut bitch out, maybe.

All right, cock choker.

♪

♪

I could not imagine not waking up next
to that beautiful man every day

and I know that if we were to spend
our lives together it would mean

that I could become a customer at the Applebee's
instead of just a hostess.

♪

What is she doing here?

And Elena barges in.

June better keep her f***ing
hands off my man.

What are you doing?

This is Mike.

Come on.

It's kind of why I came on the show,
is I wanted to, like, show kids

that, like, a bunch of women can fight
over you, even if you can't read.

Coming.

Coming.

How are you?

Hey.

Oh, sorry. Oh. Did you sleep
in your leather jacket?

Huh? Did you sleep in
your leather jacket?

Max gave it to me.

I just want it to seem
like the first time I

wear it is not the first time
I wear it, you know?

Oh, well.

Anyway. Okay. So I've had a lot of coffee,
but I've come up with a plan for us.

You have to read these books.

Ooh.

Tommyland.

-Yeah.
-I took a peek.

-It's a little...
-It's a little...

Seventh chapter.

-A.K.A.
-You know what?

Fuck it.

-Tommy.
-I know.
-He's great, right?

A real way with the word.

And we need a new look, so we're
going to go shopping.

I hate going shopping.

We're going to the shops.

We're going to get cool new looks
and be cool new guys.

Fine.

Can I get a cinnamon bun? You
can get a cinnamon bun.

-All right.
-Give me five minutes.

Okay. I'm thinking maybe we
could stop for coffee.

You don't need any more coffee.

I'm starting to crash.

Whew.

Can we get a cinnamon bun
before we go shopping?

I don't know.

I feel like that might ruin our lunch.

Shouldn't we wait?

I didn't eat anything yet.

Oh, my gosh. Who doesn't
eat breakfast?

Well, I got excited about
the cinnamon bun.

-Here we go.
-Here's the spot.

I don't know how you go out of the
house without eating breakfast.

Oh, man.

-Oh, what?
-What is that?

Come on.

Okay, well, we'll just get another.

No, no, no, no, no.

That lady took our spot, and this
is part of our problem.

We're too passive.

Well, well, you know what I mean?

I don't feel like...

Hey, you took our spot!

Yeah, I'm talking to
you, you dumb fuck!

Lower your window and start
yelling at her.

-Okay.
-You're just a stupid...

Everything about you is shitty!

You picked the wrong white people
to fuck with, you dumb fuck!

All right, I'm gonna go
to the glasses store.

Do I keep cursing?

Yeah.

You see, you know what
you can do is you

can eat shit, and then
you can eat it, you

-you-up! YOU CAN SUCK A BAG OF
DICKS, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!

YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

Suckin' ass motherfucker!

Not not not not!

Not not not

Guzzling shit cans!

I'm a big dick!

You put my balls in your mouth!

I'm swishy-murray!

I'm like a pair of ice cubes!

fucking asshole

I just want to jerk.

Oh, here we go.

What the fuck, you fucking whore?

Wait, I know you're upset.

Enrique and I have called it quits.

He said he was separated.

Principal Miller?

Oh, shit.

You're not Enrique's wife.

No.

Pretend that didn't happen.

Oh, boy.

Finally, the cinnamon buns.

It's pretty good, right?

It's amazing.

You know, when I was 14, I used
to come here all the time.

I'd hang out with my friends,
try to scope chicks out.

You know how many girls I picked up?

A bunch?

Negative one.

Oh, God. Because one ran
away out of fear.

I didn't have very much luck, either.

I got asked out for the first time
my first semester of college.

And I got so nervous that,
even though I got all

dressed up, I just sat in my dorm
room all night and worried.

Oh, my God.

It was so embarrassing, because I had

class with a guy, and
I had to stop going.

Well, that ends today.

That was then, this is now.

Whoa.

I see a hidden...

-That was then, this is now?
-Yeah.

I got one.

You were kind of slow.

Um...

I'm really glad that we're
doing this together,

because I feel like you're
not going to judge me.

No.

Are you kidding? How could you judge someone
that's even dorkier than you are?

-Oh, God.
-Am I worse than you?

-No, no.
-I am a king dork.

I guess you are.

Question.

Can we return these clothes?

I feel like such a...

You have no idea the amount of ball and
taint sweat that I have right now.

Wait. Which is the taint?

The taint is between your
ball and your...

-and your...
-and your, uh, b-hole.

Okay, so I don't have one.

No, you...

You have a veint.

Hey, Dad.

Jeffrey.

What do you got in your hair?

Um, a pomade.

So look.

I'm trying something new.

I'm just like Girls don't like
guys from-middle-class,

Pennsylvania who are guidance counselors
who have never broken

a bone What do they like guys who look
like they got dressed in the dark?

I don't they want like
bad boys who like

know how to fix cars and like
I've been in fights

Is it there's nothing in my past
that's like dark or dangerous

or foreboding nothing you ever hit
me No, are you really my dad?

Yeah, unless you know something
that I don't there was

never an uncle that got like
two handsy Like a weird

yeah pedophile uncle your uncles
are boring nice nice man, but

What do you need to be messed up I
don't know dad I don't know You

ever try it like any romance with a
girl like you You kind of notice

things about her that you know things
that she she really likes And

then you you show her that those things
are what makes her special to you.

That's kind of romance works I'll

give you a shot

Nice shot.

Excuse me.

Sorry, excuse me. I know
you're playing a game.

It's just not great design to have a
horizontal game in a vertical bar.

This place is neat, though.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's get
some drinks, huh?

-Yeah.
-Um, what do we drink?

Something hard?

Yeah, let's not do white wine or beer.

Yeah, um.

What pairs well with a cinnamon bun?

That's all I had today.

-Whiskey?
-Yeah, two whiskeys.

No, I don't like the
way whiskey tastes.

Could you get me one of those things that,
like, has a bunch of alcohol in it?

-Yeah.
-Okay.
-Yeah, like a hard tea.

Yeah, like a cider.

Oh, a cider.

Yes, no problem.

-Cool, thank you.
-I just, I'm sorry.

Just to be clear, do you have a specific
kind of flavor that you want?

Yeah, just make a decision.

I'm sorry.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

-That was my fault.
-I am so sorry.

I'm sorry. She pushed me, and
I hit your friend, and your

friend threw the dart, and I landed
on your leg, and that's not good.

But, but, but, I think that
you will see if we could

just talk it out, and let us
buy you a round of drinks.

Yeah, let's reset. Let's
press the pause button.

Let's press pause.

Okay, I'm Anne.

Hi, I'm Jeff.

-How are you?
-Is this your man here?

Oh, he's not. He's a co-worker
and a very close friend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second.

I can explain.

Hold on, wait, whoa, whoa.

Look, I know, I know that that
was not good, but I've never

been in a fight before, and I don't
mean to physically altercate.

Then I'm sorry.

Oh, Jeff.

I have been

waiting to do that all night long.

I just knocked a guy out at the bar.

That was kind of cool.

That was kind of cool.

We should go.

Yeah.

What's up?

There's more for either one of you if
you want more of the bee stings.

No, there's nothing more.

Let's just get out of here.

Wow, that was awesome.

Hey, are you okay?

That guy's such a douche.

Let me know if you need a little TLC.

What?

Oh, my God, they were so pretty.

My God, I think I'm just gonna
start punching people out.

-You should.
-It's like an aphrodisiac.

I guess so.

Wow.

I kind of did something.

Jesus.

What'd you do?

It's a new look.

Why did you do this to
your beautiful hair?

Well, Jeff said I was inhibited
and he ticked me off, so...

You did it for Jeff.

That is so cliché, Julia.

What? What? Just like,
oh, the two single

people in the room automatically
belong together.

No, I'm just saying he's cute, you're
adorable, and you both are cool.

Listen, I just want you to be happy.

-I am happy.
-I'm very happy.

I just, I don't see Jeff that way.

Look, I...

I think you called me over
to brush your hair out.

Yes.

Yeah, okay. You can handle
this yourself.

I am feeling so much electricity in both
nips, I gotta go and relieve this.

Ooh, that sounds bad.

It is bad.

I could charge a car.

If you're hungry, though, I could
just order a quick pie.

Please don't take offense
to this, okay?

I just don't know how else, and
I've got to say something.

I feel like sometimes your needs are

like a little comparable
to my baby's needs.

How could I have ever taken
that the wrong way?

That's great.

-I get it.
-No, I know.

I just... I just don't have that many friends,
so I always tend to call you.

Sorry.

That makes me really sad.

No, I didn't mean to make you sad.

I just... You're my best friend,
so I will always call you.

But I'll back off so babies can eat.

I love you, okay?

Okay. I'm gonna go take
a hot shower, put

plenty of conditioner in there,
and just comb it out.

Okay.

Got a big box of mac and cheese.

Please don't finish that.

If you stay, I won't.

Bye.

Come on, I'll make you
some Greek yogurt.

Diana,

you've been set free.

♪

I hated to see Diana go, but now I
can focus on the remaining two.

The girls wonder why I
keep Elena around,

but I know she's here for me.

I'm sweet as cherry pie.

Just don't f***ing cross me.

I'm sweet as cherry pie.

Just don't cross me.

Hi, my name is Anne.

I'm working on a new accent.

I think it's gonna give me my edge.

What do you think?

Yeah, no, it's certainly intriguing.

I've been trying, but I can't
seem to not sound like...

A plantation owner?

Like a racist plantation owner, and that's
not what I wanna put out there.

Okay, I'll keep working on it.

-Yeah.
-If you wanna see something cool.

I do.

You wanna see something cool?

Uh-huh, yeah.

Oh my God, is that a tattoo?

-Yeah.
-What is that, it's a book?

Yeah, yeah, I got it in
honor of book club.

Would the new you be a
part of a book club?

That's a good, I didn't
think about that.

But you know what, when I
go back for my second

round, then I'll tell them maybe
we'll switch the design.

See, right now, a lot of people think
that when you get a tattoo,

you go into the parlor, and then you
just walk out with a tattoo, but...

That's what I thought. No, actually,
it's a lot of steps.

I mean, first you go into the stencil
stage, and then you go

into the next stage, which is the
stage that I'm in, which is

the are you comfortable with this image
on your skin forever phase.

I'm just gonna, I'm gonna
pause you right

there, let's see where you're
going with this.

Are you in the I'm afraid
of needle phase?

Oh my God, it was so scary.

I can't do that, the needle is attached
to a motor, and it goes like.

You're not gonna put your
skin under that?

-No way.
-No, I don't like it.

So just leave the stencil for a while.

You have a drawing on your arm.

Way to go.

-I'm proud of you.
-Thanks.

Oh, my God, look at this chick.

That is awesome.

Good for her.

I'm gonna get up on the bar.

-What?
-I'm gonna get up on the bar.

You can barely get up the bar stool.

I know, but I'm gonna try.

Hold on one second.

I'm putting this on the internet

You're crazy.

♪

♪

♪

-you.
-I was hoping I'd find you here.

-Really?
-Me?
-Yeah, you.

I was sad that you never called me.

Well, I couldn't call you.

You wrote your number on something
extremely smudgy.

I thought it was garbage.

Smudgy garbage.

♪

-Rawr!
-Rawr! Rawr!

All right, there she is.

Look at you, coyote ugly.

It's cool, right?

You should take my number.

I'm going to make a phone call too.

OK.

Julia, hi.

Oh my god, can you come by
the Sligo right now?

I just danced on the bar.

I took my bra off.

I think my nipple came out.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize it's out late.

Oh, did I wake the baby?

I will now.

Sorry, OK.

Well, I think I'll go.

Maybe I'm going to go sexed max.

I don't know, I can't.

OK, yes.

I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Let's kill.

Hey, I liked your moves.

-I did.
-Oh yeah?

Was that like the window
into your soul?

That's deep.

That's exactly what it is.

I love it.

Well, I'm part Native American.

You are?

-Yeah.
-Oh, I see it in your eyes.

You want a beer?

I'd love a beer.

You got anything stronger?

Very strong.

-OK.
-Very strong.

♪

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

Mm-mm.

So, a Southern girl.

Oh, yes.

Well, I am. I mean, I'm definitely
-the-wool Southern

girl, but I will be the first
to admit that, you

know, there is a bit of a checkered
history for the South.

You know, I mean, human rights
conditions and historical

denying and, you know, some sort
of animal cruelty and whatnot.

But, you know, it's the South.

The South is always nice.

There's a bunch of books out that
you can read about the South.

If you want me to give you
a Southern history

lesson, I'll definitely see
if I can fit you in.

You can give me a-on-one, right?

Oh!

Well, that's third base
where I come from.

Well, then why don't
we slide into home?

-Oh, my!
-I don't know about that!

I'm going to pat on my nose!

You alright in there?

Oh no, I'm fine.

I'm just in here pooping.

I mean, could you just pour me another
glass of wine, sweetie?

Hello?

Hello?

You're a little crazy.

That's hot.

Well, I'm sweet as cherry pie,
just don't fucking cross me.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Oh, wow.

This is nice.

Yeah.

Is

♪

up Get in there

♪

♪

I don't know, I don't know, I
don't know, I don't know.

So, my friend Tommy's a bar
back here, so I get

discounts on drinks if you want to
do a shot or something there.

It's pretty cool.

I used to work over there.

Too many tabs, don't answer.

I finally, I planned
on this one, so...

Bye, text me!

Oh, hi.

Hi.

You look good.

Well, you know, bandana, necklaces.

I like it.

Do you like it?

Yeah, I mean, likey.

Well, you look good.

I know.

You know?

Where have you been?

I feel like I haven't seen you.

I know, it's been kind
of like a minute.

So what's going on with you?

None of your business.

Why so many questions?

I don't know.

What, am I under arrest?

Why are you chewing on
all this weird shit?

Because I'm hungry.

What's weird about a straw?

Nothing, it's just the second thing
you've been chewing on.

Come on, let's take a picture.

Oh, alright.

Oops!

Okay, the light's about to go.

Okay.

Woo!

It's like we're wasted

♪

Do you want to get out of here?

Yeah.

You're gonna duck under that thing.

Okay.

Okay.

You are bossy.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Okay, I'm gonna hang out here.

Ann Martin.

Hi, Beth Foster.

My son, Brian, is a freshman
at Thomas Jefferson.

Yeah, Brian.

Yeah, he's a cute little guy.

He's like into space and rocks.

Yeah, space and rocks.

Yeah, he's a sweetie.

Yeah, he's so sweet.

Hey, I wondered, are you
here with Jeff Flowery?

Oh yeah, I mean, no.

I mean, oh, you know Jeff.

We met at the gym, like,
several weeks back.

And, well, we've been, like, hanging

out, kind of here and there
in the afternoon.

And I just don't want
to step on any toes.

Oh, so you guys are seeing each other?

It's too early to tell.

I mean, I'm working on dinner.

Hi.

Hello.

Hey, Beth.

-Hi.
-Hey.
-Hey.

So good to see you.

So good to see you, yeah.

I see you met my good friend, Ann.

I did.

Yeah, Jeff and I are really
good friends.

Incredibly close.

I'd like to think we are.

Mm-hmm.

It's awesome.

-Beth?
-Yeah, Beth.

Um, you have a high school-aged child.

Was going on and on and on
about your afternoons

together, and she was saying
that, uh, you guys spend a

lot of time together, and she'd love
it if you took her out to dinner.

I think she was kind of hoping
for that, right, Beth?

Oh, were you?

I mean, um, there'd be crap.

Whatever.

No, it's casual.

We're both casual.

Yeah, that's funny.

I just got a casual text myself while
you were in the bathroom.

Mm-hmm.

One or two?

I don't know.

Number one, obviously.

Number two, to be back that
quickly would be...

Well, you were very quick.

He has IBS, so I know it
comes out quickly.

I have IBS.

Well, while you were peeing or shitting
or whatever, I got a text

from Max who wanted to know if I would
go to the lounge with him.

Oh, I love the lounge.

Um, so I was thinking
maybe I would go.

What do you think?

I think you should do whatever
you want to do.

That's what I'll do

it was really great talking to you.

So great to see you.

Um, good luck with your son Bye.

Bye She doesn't like me?

No, she likes you fine.

She likes you fine She doesn't
like my son, I don't

think No, no, no, she likes your
son She likes your son

Um, so how have you been?

What's going on? Oh, um, I've
been great, actually.

I'm kind of having fun.

I'm having a lot of sex, actually.

Sex is when the penis goes
in the vagina, right?

-Yes, it is.
-Just playing with you.

You'll get there. You guys
will get back there.

You're gonna go through
dry periods, too.

That's not a big deal.

Yes, not me.

I feel like I went through my dry period,
and I'm going through my wet period.

I guess I kind of have a slutty side.

But you're wearing protection, right?

Of course I'm wearing protection.

I don't...

It's not that I think you're having, like,
sex with homeless guys or anything.

And if you were, more power to you.

I just mean, you know,
you got to be careful

because sometimes beautiful packages
are filled with AIDS.

You don't know.

I'm not sleeping with anyone with it.

I-I wear...

Yes, I'm fine.

I'm good. I'm not an idiot.
No, good, good.

It sounds a little judgy,
but, you know...

-I'm sorry.
-I just...
-I care about you.

I'm using protection. If you're,
like, banging the

whole neighborhood, you should
protect yourself, you know?

Well, if I manage to bang the whole neighborhood,
I will use protection.

So you're upsetting your daughter.

Um, so you guys, wow.

Look at her.

She's so big.

She is getting big.

She's eating all the time.

It's crazy that we have to baby-proof
the house right now.

And it's just, like, nonstop.

-Never-ending.
-It doesn't stop.

It doesn't stop. And Al loves
modern furniture, so

we have all these, like, angled
tables and chairs.

Anyway, we have to protect.

We have to pad everything
for the baby.

It's been a tornado.

Yeah, it must be hard.

I guess... I feel like the only
thing is, is that every...

Thank you.

Uh, everybody is always
kind of, like...

Oh, man, it's so hard.

Like, we got to baby-proof our pool,
and, like, this is so rough.

We never sleep. And honestly, if
it was so fucking hard, why

is everybody even having babies
for, like, thousands of years?

Please don't swear in
front of the baby.

She's not gonna absorb
the word fuck at a...

Oh, my God.

See, this is...

This is why I really thought it was
gonna be the two of us today.

I didn't realize there was a family
outing with, like, Mr., uh...

Well, I'm sorry, I thought you... ...checks
and balances over here.

Honestly, it seems to me,
like, because you're

not having any fun, nobody
else can have any fun.

I want you to have fun.

And by the way, I'm having
tons of fun.

-Yeah.
-I'm having so much fun.

I love my baby, and I love Al.

Yeah. Okay? I just have a lot
going on, and it's super

stressful, and sometimes I don't know
which hat to wear when I'm with who.

This sucks.

I feel kind of like I don't
want to be here right now.

-I'm sorry.
-I just...

I gotta go.

Where are you going?

-I-I...
-You know what?
-I-I just...

-I gotta go.
-I-I just...

-Where are you go...
-Where are you...

What could you possibly
be doing right now?

I have a date.

You have a date in the morning?

Yeah, I have a date. I
have a morning date.

She doesn't have a date. She
doesn't have a date.

I have a date.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Suck it!

That's what happens when
you mess with the bull.

You're very good at darts.

Yeah, I got better.

Do you maybe want to, like, get going?

I mean, I have to go,
so, uh, I just...

Do you want to come?

Um, you know, I think I'm gonna stay.

Okay, yeah.

I'm just gonna chill.

Okay.

Uh, awesome to see you.

Good to see you.

Okay.

Cool.

Bye.

-Bye.
-Hey, wait.

Come here.

-Okay.
-All right.

See you.

I'll call you.

Next week, on the dramatic conclusion
of Prisoner of Love.

I didn't expect to fall in love,
but I'm grateful that I did.

As Johnny's prison term
comes to a close, the

shocking verdict you've been
waiting for all summer.

I want to thank you both
for doing time with me.

Unfortunately, I gotta
let one of you go.

Two women could hold
the key to Johnny's

heart, but only one will
serve a life sentence.

I don't know what I'll do if
Johnny doesn't pick me.

I'm f***ing unstable, y'all.

♪

Ann?

Hey.

Hi.

What's up?

What's up with you?

Don't worry, I'm not going
to make too much noise.

I won't wake up Beth or anything.

Okay, then.

What's going on?

Why are you so interested in
what's going on in here?

Aren't you dating Max now?

I'm not here to talk about Max.

I'm here to talk to you.

In the last week, I just, like...

I can't stop thinking about you.

It's making me feel crazy.

I mean, I used to think
about you, too.

You never noticed, so...

I didn't notice. Why didn't
you say anything?

Because I don't know.

-I don't know.
-It seemed like you

didn't...

didn't have the same...

Look, Anne, I've come to a good
place in my life, finally.

I've moved on.

I think you should, too.

Just move on, just walk away.

There's just nothing to talk about.

Thought is free.

What is that?

It's a quote.

It's Elizabethan.

I'm not even gonna tell you.

I'm gonna give you time.

Is that how we sounded when
we used to play that game?

Because it's pathetic.

♪

Fuck you.

I mean, we're...

we're guessing quotes from
books, it's like...

Fuck you.

That's a quote from me.

Oh, I got the machine again.

Not a machine.

-What?
-It's in the phone.

Hi Jeff, it's your mom.

I got your message that you're not coming
today, I'm sorry to hear that.

But at least we'll see
you for my birthday.

I love you.

It's your mom.

That's good.

Yeah?

Yeah, not too much pressure.

Try.

Yeah, it says, look, Slim's
bitch got a litter now.

It's not his girlfriend.

They were talking about the dog.

Mmm.

I thought she was just messy.

Is he not coming?

He didn't even call to cancel.

My therapist has a 24-hour cancellation
policy, and she's strict about it.

So if you cancel, how much
do you have to pay?

She charges me like $300, and
she calls my parents.

Why?

Well, I asked her to.

Guys, what do you say we
just pack it in, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah. Let's just pack
it into your place.

Yeah, let's go to your place.

Uh, yeah, there's kind
of a big difference

between joining a book club
and hosting one, so.

This is all we have, man.

This is it.

I mean, this book club
is what we have.

I'm looking right at you, and
I can tell that's true.

Yeah. You guys are taking
that really hard.

I know. It's just, like, what
happened to Jeff, you know?

Who likes what he's become now?

-I don't.
-I don't.

Guys, I think we should be happy
for our friend, all right?

I mean, he wanted to make a change.

He did that, and now he's out
there doing what he wants.

Did he make a change?

He likes Ann now.

Yeah, it's not. Is that really
a change, or is that

just more like, oh, I've decided
to like this girl?

Wait.

What do you mean he likes Ann?

I think he's got, like,
feelings for Ann now.

That's why he's acting so crazy.

I don't know. My brother's
girlfriend's dad?

Rick.

Rick. Rickalice. Dude, his birth-given
name is not Richard.

It's Rickalice.

Asshole of a man.

Found this on the ground.

Told me to give it back to him.

Total shithead, by the way.

He really is a piece of human garbage.

Ah, Jeff.

Whoa, is that what you
do in a photo booth?

That's what they did.

That's four versions of what they did.

-Yeah.
-You could do whatever you want.

You know, it makes sense,
though, you know?

She's a plain Jane, and,
you know, he's a shell

of a boring human being, so
I guess it works out.

I don't think she's a
plain Jane at all.

Ann's a string bean, man.

Come on, man.

She's pretty plain.

You don't think Ann is sexy, though?

You know, I like a little excitement
in a woman, you know?

-Like what?
-I don't know, breasts.

I like a nice, big, fat lady.

Yeah, me too.

I like... All right, well, fellas,
I think I'm gonna split, so...

Good seeing you. All right. It
was good seeing you, too.

See you later. If you
need us, just, you

know, you have our phone
numbers, right?

So you guys are just gonna chill
out here in the hall?

Yeah, we'll probably chill out here.

Okay.

It's good seeing you guys. Good
seeing you, too, bro.

Always a pleasure.

See ya.

Mice and men.

Mice and men.

-Mice and men.
-Yeah.
-Of mice.

Of mice and men.

It's of mice and men.

It's of mice and men.

Of mice and men.

Almost doesn't make sense.

And that guy was, like, a good writer.

I'm gonna get it under all the way.

What, you don't think it...

Even now. You don't think I put
it under there good enough?

I don't know. I think
you half-assed it.

All right, Mom.

Yeah, yeah, puttin'

♪

that's right Yeah,

can't play a player, can't

♪

♪

♪

it, honey, I'm a street figure,
not no dummy Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, hey, man.

Uh, well, I mean, this is my spot.

Right, right.

This is your spot.

It's hard to keep track
of spots, because

I have spots all over town.

Look, dude, I, uh, I didn't know
you had a thing for Anne.

What?

Anne?

That's crazy, man.

Sorry.

Whoever told you that, way wrong.

Well, I didn't know you smoked.

I don't smoke.

I vape.

-You want to hit it?
-No, no.

Come on, take a pull.

No, I'm good. Let's see what
the future's all about.

I'm all right, buddy.
It's just vapors.

-I'm good.
-Thanks.
-You sure?

Yeah.

Did you come with Ann?

Yeah, yeah.

She's just...

♪

♪

White people are weird.

What's wrong with the glass.

That's a nasty white girl.

What's wrong with the glass?

Nice!

♪

-make some money Hey.
-Anne's here.

Yeah.

-Oh, hi.
-I'm Beth.
-Hi.

Beth, I'm Max. Nice to meet
you. Nice to meet you.

Hi, guys.

Speak of the devil.

Here she is.

-Um...
-Unfortunately, um, I think we're

gonna go get something
to eat at Freddy's.

Oh, yeah, let's get something to eat.

I'm really hungry, so... She's hungry,
so we're gonna just...

Nice to see you. We're
gonna get it. Ooh!

What a great idea, Beth.

We'd love to join you.

Uh, I don't...

I don't... I'm not so sure
that they were...

Oh, were you excluding us?

No, you can come.

What?

You can come.

Oh, good. I didn't want
to feel excluded.

That would feel bad.

Yeah, you don't want to feel excluded.

No, I don't.

Okay, so we'll all go to dinner.

Oh, good.

-That's nice.
-I want to go.

-Yeah?
-Okay.
-All right.

Okay. Just the way everyone
likes to be invited.

-Yay!
-If I say, you can come.

Oh, super!

It's gonna be fine.

All right.

-Sure.
-Thanks.
-Some wine?

I'd love some, Max.

-Thank you.
-Say when.

Perfect, thank you.

Big girl pour, huh?

Mm, big girl pour.

Sure, thanks.

-Buddy.
-Yeah, just a normal amount.

Don't be so judgmental.

Cheers, yay, thank you.

Cheers.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

Oh, this is so delish.

You should teach a class
in wine tasting.

-Yeah?
-Or just knowing about wine.

What do you call it?

Wine to the max.

Yeah, I like that.

Why don't you write that down?

Oh, Max.

I like red wine, too.

That's interesting, Beth.

OK.

Is the wine going to
aggravate your IBS?

Wine doesn't affect IBS.

I didn't know you had IBS.

Yep.

We both do.

They both have IBS.

Take probiotics.

I've heard that that doesn't work.

For real, no.

-It doesn't.
-I bet it works.
-Yeah.

I bet it works.

And I feel like maybe we got
off on the wrong foot.

Beth, I'm sorry. You're going
to have to speak up.

I feel like when we met, maybe
we got off on the wrong foot.

-Cool.
-So?

You look really nice.

I'm not used to seeing you
with this much makeup.

Cool. I'm so excited you
approve of my look.

Yeah, you really went to town.

I went to town.

Here's the stepping out.

Here's the going to town.

It's a clown town.

Oh.

My son, Brian, is, um...

Oh, God.

Tell us another story.

That would be great.

He's playing the clarinet.

-Oh.
-And, um...

I draw.

You do? Yeah, you know, sketches
and stuff, mostly.

Yeah.

Charcoals, pastel stuff.

You can draw me if you want.

I would love to draw you.

I would love to be drawn by you.

Hope you have enough pastels.

Oh, original.

-From the face.
-Original.

Brian's been playing Klezmer music.

Oh, God.

Look at Brian.

I'm sorry about this.

It's okay. Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm good.

-I'm here with you.
-Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm having a blast. I'm
so glad we did this.

When are we doing it again?

Maybe we should get some food.

Well, let's get some food.
Yeah. That's a good idea.

Let's get food.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Good?
-Yeah?

I'm great.

Alright?

Yeah.

I'd invite you in, but
I don't want to.

That's okay, because I've kind
of become afraid of you.

Because you think I don't know and you

didn't give me dignity or
closure and it's...

Wouldn't have said that a month ago.

Hey Jeff, it's Ann, I'm just
calling to talk to you.

So, give me a call back.

You know my number.

Hey Jeff, it's Ann, I'm just
calling to talk to you.

I feel like we never got

that side of eggplant

that we ordered and I was like,
did we pay for that?

Hey Jeff, I bet you're
with Beth right now.

I just wanted to say that's cool by
me because guess who I'm with?

I'm with Brian.

I have Brian with me and I
know that he's allergic

to peanuts so I'm just feeding
him a bunch of peanuts.

Jeff!

Jeffo, would you call me back,
you stupid weirdo?

Are you even getting these?

Is this still your fucking
phone number?

Jeff, what's that?

Jeff, I'm talking to my dog voice.

Call me back, call me back.

Call me back, call me back, call
me back, call me back.

Oh, hello?

I'm sorry, I thought I was actually,
I meant to call my friend Jeff.

He's been kind of dogging me.

Give me a little phone call.

Call me up on the phone.

Is this something I'm going
to have to expect now?

Yes.

Why are you such a fucking dick?

What?

Why are you such a fucking dick?

You're the one that's woken me up two

times this week in the
middle of the night.

What is this fucking place?

It's my apartment.

You look like you live in a fucking
Pottery Barn commercial.

Well, I ordered some stuff
for the transition.

It looks like a fucking catalog.

I'm trying to improve my life
like we talked about.

What is your problem?

I just feel like I don't
even know you.

We agreed to do this together, okay?

-And I feel like...
-What was tonight?

What?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Why were you so weird at dinner?

I wasn't...

Why was I weird?

-Yeah.
-Why was I weird?

You were the weird one.

It's like we weren't
even ever friends.

I feel like you're just
shutting me out.

I mean, if you want to go out with
Beth, I don't fucking care.

I don't want to go out with Beth.

I'm just...

Why are you here?

♪

♪

♪

Hi Jeff, it's your mom.

Hi Jeff, it's your mom.

Hi Jeff, it's your mom.

Hi.

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I drank every bottle of
wine in Pennsylvania.

I ate all the meatballs.

Is there water on your
side of the bed?

No.

There's water in the kitchen.

Bye.

Don't look at me like that.

Don't look at me.

Uh-huh.

Mm.

-Are...
-are we okay?

We're cool?

-Yeah.
-What?
-Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

-No.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-It's okay.
-It's okay.

Yeah, we're okay. What
are you talking...

-yeah.
-I just...
-I don't know.

-I never...
-I'm not used...

-I don't know how to...
-Oh.

-Oh.
-Oh, yeah.

Oops. I hit one of them.
Um, yeah, we're good.

We're so good.

I, um...

Yeah, it's like, um, what is that law?

Murphy's law.

It's like, no, it's...

No, well, I hope it was better.

Um, like, uh, what is that thing?

-Roe v.
-Wade.
-Yeah, no.

Oh, God, I hope it doesn't
end up, um, there.

No, we use...

Yeah.

We use protection.

And...

No, I was just saying that
it's good to have a

one-night stand with a friend,
because it's not...

Then it's not, you know? It's kind
of like, you know, you know?

Uh, cool.

Cool.

So maybe, maybe I should...

-Yeah.
-Yeah, I have a...

I have a ton of...

Stuff.

Can you help me?

-Hmm?
-Can you help me with my bra?

-It's...
-I don't...

-Oh.
-I want to be...

-Yeah.
-Chased.
-I...

-Yep.
-Sorry.

I will go as soon as...

No, no, no.

Whatever gets you out the door.

-Oh.
-Okay.
-I'll leave.

-I'll leave.
-No, no, no.
-I was kidding.

-Hold on.
-No.
-Get out.

Do you want all four classes?

No, just one is fine.

Because I'm not very big breasted.

-Okay.
-There you go.
-Um...

-Cool.
-Thank you.

That was...

Fun.

That was weird.

-It was fun.
-That was weird, right?

-Yeah, it was weird.
-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

-I will never do...
-I won't.

-Okay.
-Goodbye.
-Bye.

Yeah.

Okay.

Goodbye.

♪

It's so hard to take a good
selfie these days.

I mean, it's more than just
the angle, you know?

You gotta think about lighting.

And I've been thinking about
getting some work done.

I've noticed in my profile
picture that my chin

looks a little bit weak, and
I think that getting

surgery on my jawline would
really improve my profile.

Of course.

Yeah. So, my friend knows this
doctor around here, and

she's used him for a couple procedures,
and she looks amazing.

So I'm thinking about using him.

Well, be yourself.

Everyone else is taken, right?

Um, yeah, but I just want
to be a better version.

So, in Instagram, I'll have,
like, a lot of likes.

♪

♪

♪

I think it's time, hon.

Go ahead.

♪

This message is for Jeffrey Lowry.

This is Stacy from Four
Star Furniture Rental.

We've tried to reach you several
times regarding your

delinquent payments on your living
room and bedroom set rentals.

If the payment is not received, we'll
be forced to repossess these items.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Ms.
-Martin.
-Principal Miller.

Ms. Martin. I understand you had
a very interesting summer.

What, did you get a makeover
at the meth mall?

We're shaping young minds here.

Yeah, speaking of...

how's Enrique?

How's his wife?

Alright,

show of hands, who here has been watching
Prisoner of Love this summer?

Anybody?

Can anybody tell me who Johnny picked?

If you do, you get this
shitty nail polish.

No?

Great, y'all suck.

So...

How was your sums?

Pretty awesome.

Did you party?

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

I got into it a little.

Yeah?

Shot some darts.

Smoked some e-cigs.

Smoked real cigs.

Real cigs are cool, but...

You know, Stephen Dorff
smokes the e-cigs.

Can I get back to the principal's
office, or...

Do you need me for anything else?

But you're gonna finish
up strong, right?

Senior year.

None of this stuff.

Yeah, alright.

Up top.

Okay.

Welcome back.

Anne, what do you want?

I'm sorry.

I fucked up.

Yeah, you did.

You've been a horrible friend and like
a shit show of a human being.

You think you're the only person
having an identity crisis?

Okay, I am completely lost.

Completely.

Dude, you look terrible.

I know.

I've been home over for,
like, two months.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

Okay, I'll go.

Thanks.

Yeah, um, oh, James.

-What?
-That's another thing.

I screwed that up, too.

We, like, um, oh, for God's sake.

Yeah, we had sex.

-Yes.
-No, it's the worst.

It's, like, fucked everything
up, and it's so

awkward, and it's so cliche, and
I have no idea what to do.

OK, you know what?

Baby steps.

One, shower.

Yes, ma'am.

Two, nap.

Shower, nap.

Shower, nap.

Maybe a little toothbrush.

-Yeah.
-That's important.

It's been a long summer.

Mm-hmm.

OK, bye.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Mom, I'm so sorry I missed the party.

It was hard for me not
having you here.

I think subconsciously I might
have lost track of the days.

You know, I know how badly you want
me to bring someone to the party.

I'm just, I'm having a hard time.

I'm sorry.

No, no.

I just think you're terrific.

All I want is for my kid to
be happy with who he is.

Gay or straight.

Okay.

Gotta throw that in there, huh?

Hi, guys.

Hey.

Ooh, balloons arrived.

Yep.

Oh, hey, man.

Here's your jacket back.

Yeah.

Look, I'd invite you in, but I'm
not actually alone, so...

-Okay.
-Shit, you know what?

I'm just gonna be up front about this.

Because we're buddies.

-Who's here?
-It just kind of happened.

We just...

Oh.

Hey, Jeff.

Max took me out to a
really nice dinner,

and we were just about
to get into some sex.

Drive her to barbecue.

Well, I just want to apologize for

the way I treated you.

And if I was weird or if there were

any head games or anything,
it's my fault.

That was a bit out of my
head, so I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

It doesn't matter anyway.

I got the sense that Brian
wasn't comfortable

around you, and that's kind
of a deal-breaker with me.

I'll let you guys talk.

Bye, Jeff.

Who the fuck is Brian?

Brian's her son.

He's into rocks and space?

That's lame.

How does this affect you and,

uh, Anne, not that I...

Look, man, nothing happened
with Anne, okay?

She had a crush, she got over it, she told
me that herself, so it's all good.

Cool.

Look, you're a good guy, okay?

And what you and Anne could have,
that could be the real thing.

Me and Beth, I mean, come on.

As soon as we're done, I'm moving on.

I heard that.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine with it.

She's fine.

Okay.

Okay.

You're gonna be okay, Jeff.

You're gonna be okay.

All right, you ready?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, get them off.

The old man opened his eyes and for a

moment he was coming back
from a long way away.

Then he smiled.

♪

♪

♪

That was a memorable day to me, for
it made great changes in me.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

You never really understand
a person until

you consider things from
his point of view.

♪

♪

♪

I've been drunk for about
a week now and I

thought it might sober me up
to sit in the library.

♪

♪

Oh my god.

Stop.

I've always tried to
take the high road

when I get into fucked
up shit with people.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

the

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Hi.

Hello.

This is really beautiful.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I'm glad.

Especially the Tommy Lynn part.

Yeah, well, he is the greatest American
author who was also in Motley Crue.

Yeah, I agree.

Did you get a bike?

Oh, no.

I thought it would look cool if
I was standing in front of it.

It looks very cool.

Definitely shouldn't have touched it.

Come here.

How was your summer?

It sucked.

Oh, mine was the shittiest.

I turned into an asshole.

♪

You know, I am really sorry about
calling the game pathetic.

I don't think the game's pathetic.

I love the game.

I love the game too, but
it's really dorky.

Yeah, but we're dorks.

We are dorks, and there's
nothing wrong with that.

And I'm King Dork.

Yeah.

♪

You could be my queen.

I'd love to be your queen.

Well, then we're dork royalty.

Yeah.

♪

♪

Uh, hey, guys, um, sorry, um,
do you know what time it is?

Get out of here!

I'll murder you in public!

Are you serious right now?

Bad timing!

♪

Just so you know, I was never fully
comfortable with Brian.

-Why?
-Because he's a magician?

Or because he's an extraordinarily intelligent
person for his age group?

Or because of time?

You can be a magician and not wear a

cape around the house with
nothing else on.

Who's Brian?

You don't look like you have
bones under your skin.

Like you're just all baby body meat.

Wait,

why are you hanging out
at kids' schools?

Yeah, what were you doing
by the school?

It was just random.

I was watching someone.

Who?

A little discharge.

Okay, I'm going to write down
a little discharge.

And I'm going to write in right
next to a little discharge.

Put Beth on the phone!

Put Beth on the phone right now,
because I'm going to eat the...

Nope.

I'm not going to say it.

I'm going to eat the shit
out of his butthole.

You're the rickless.

You're the nasty guy.

I'm a grown man, and you're
treating me like a child.

Well, you're acting like a child.

How am I...

Yes!

I just want you to know that I know it
was Brian that took a shit in my car.

He took a shit in your car?

-Oh, yeah.
-He took a shit in my car.

I saw him go in there.

I saw him perch like an
owl in the back seat.

And then when I got in the front seat,
there was a big deuce in the back.

Her parents are super creative.

That's why they gave her
the name Samanda.

They're both artists.

What kind of art do they do?

They make rugs.

Then they're rug makers.

-They're not artists.
-They're artists.

You have to be an artist to
make a beautiful rug.

-Sorry.
-You have to make...

Also, this.

Yeah, well, I don't know what this is.

That?

Well, when you do that, it just
makes you look super...

Like I'm whipping money?

No.

Hey, let me try it.

Cool.

I'm scared.

-No.
-See?

It just sounded like a question,
but also a complaint.

Did it?

What kind of dirt would
get under there?

Like gravel.

Okay, so you've killed a woman.

No, I just know because I've seen
movies and I've read books.

About killing women?

So you're interested in it?

-No, I'm not.
-I was forced to.

Forced? I was forced to read
books about killing women.

By who?

Him.

Him?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha