Original subtitles

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, can I have a little bite?

Oh, um, yeah, I guess.

Thanks.

That's a bite?

Nope. This is a bite.

Hey. No!

Oh, she's pregnant again.

Actually, I was just reading that.

Hey, what are you grooving to?

♪ Milk it, milk it ♪

♪ This party's hot ♪

♪ Milk it, milk it ♪

♪ This party's hot ♪

♪ Milk it, milk it ♪

♪ This party's hot ♪

♪ Milk it, milk it ♪

♪ This party's hot ♪

♪ Milk it, milk it ♪

♪ This party's hot ♪

Do I have to put a label on everything?

Ruby's turkey sandwich, Ruby's trashy magazine,

Ruby's Biolab PSP.

She's right, people.

A young lady deserves her own personal space

and respect and boundaries.

Are you wearing my shirt?

It looks better on me.

♪ This party's hot ♪

♪ Milk it, milk it ♪

♪ This party's hot ♪

♪ Milk it, milk it ♪

♪ Hey, show me the way ♪

♪ What are the rules? ♪

♪ How do you keep a family? ♪

♪ What is the key? ♪

♪ How do you stay together? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa-oa-oa ♪

♪ If love is all you need to get along ♪

♪ To be strong for each other ♪

♪ I'll give you all I can give you ♪

♪ Where I live ♪ ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

What's the worst kiss you've ever had?

Oh, Brian Phelps, sixth grade.

We had a line of spit between us

that snapped back in my face.

Oh!

Oh, I can't eat.

What about you?

Well, does a golden retriever count?

Wait, you kissed a dog?

He kissed me.

Besides, I had a lot of peanut butter in my mouth.

Well, I did at the beginning.

Oh.

Hey, you think if we should loud enough,

your aunt will bring us more pancakes?

That is rude.

Let's text her. Yeah.

Who's Mr. "Panx Plz"?

It says "More pancakes, please."

When did kids stop using vowels?

Be nice.

Kristen is Ruby's first real friend since she moved here.

No kidding.

Every time I peek in their room, they stop talking,

and then when I leave, they giggle.

I don't like that.

"Start using your bowels."

I meant vowels!

Oh, look, it's Girls Gone Mild.

You remember my hilarious cousin Jordan?

Hey, there's a dead whale on Crescent Beach.

We should check it out.

Apparently, it's already covered in graffiti.

We're kind of in the middle of something.

But it's a dead whale.

So?

I can't explain it better than that.

Is this how you usually spend your Saturdays?

No, usually I talk about all the dogs I've kissed.

How did you hear that?

Oh, through the vent. Perv.

Spit-kisser. Out!

Oh, pillow fight. This could be promising.

You are so gross. Just get out.

Wait. What are you trying to say?

Um, that you should get out.

Are you picking her over me?

Yes.

Whatevs.

I'll go by myself.

That dead whale is full of gas,

and you're going to miss the explosion.

Oh, God.

No!

I have marked where you can walk with tape.

It's not that hard.

Uh-oh, Domino Ben is back.

I know. Last time he did this,

it was after his turtle died.

Did you check on his hamster?

I did. He seems as happy and useless as ever.

I wish it were easier to get a read on what's in his head.

I hate Ruby's new friend.

Jordan, more of an open book.

Hey, can I hang out here for a while?

Candy's in my dressing room,

and she thinks I'm going to propose.

Candy the showgirl?

No, Candy the doctor.

Seven years ago, I swore

that if we were both single in seven years, I'd marry her.

I was sure one of us would be dead by now.

What's with the dominoes?

David, please.

Honey, is there anything you'd like to share with us?

I'm just a kid who likes dominoes.

No one likes dominoes this much.

Not even old Cuban guys.

But until Ben wants to talk,

we will respect his feelings and give him space.

Or we could try this.

Ben, spill it, or I'll flick them.

David.

Jamie Rogers punched me.

In the butt.

I should teach a class.

Who is this Jamie Rogers?

'Cause I will take that kid down.

Patrick, you can't beat up a kid.

Are you kidding? I could beat up five kids.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Fine. I'll take the dad down.

All right, no one is taking anyone down,

because when someone resorts to hitting,

it usually means they are jealous or insecure.

Or you slept with his wife.

David, Patrick and I have agreed

to raise our children to be nurturing and nonviolent.

Is this true? Yes.

That's what we agreed to,

and I was 100% on board.

Are you saying this 'cause Audie's here?

Of course not.

Ben, with this Jamie kid,

you're gonna have to turn the other cheek.

Which is funny, 'cause we're talking about your butt.

But not so funny that we lose the bigger picture.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

No hitting back?

No laughing at butts?

This is not a world that Candy and I can bring a child into.

David, with all due respect, meaning almost none,

I think we can handle this. No!

Oh, Ben, I'm so sorry. I can help you--

Maybe we could start from--

♪

And yet he won't finish a book.

Oh, that was close.

Try again. Hold on.

Yay!

Okay. Uh, worst Halloween costume.

Mmm... Oh.

My mom put me in a dog mask and fake tail.

I was Ruby-Dooby-Doo.

You?

Um, well, one year I dressed up as Cinderella,

and I wore a vintage Versace gown.

How is that bad? Oh, it's not.

Hmm. I'm just boasting.

Wow, popular movie.

Jordan?

It's like you guys have one conversation.

"What's the worst bibbledy that you ever babbledy?

"Oh, giggle, giggle, ha ha ha."

What are you doing here?

Um, well, about a month ago,

my cousin Ruby invited me to a silent film festival,

which sounded lame,

but she was new here and had no other friends, so I said sure.

But then, the day we were supposed to go, where's Ruby?

I'm sorry. I totally forgot.

That's not good enough!

I'm just messing with you.

Forgive and forget.

Ugh. Salty.

Wow, you are high maintenance.

Mm-hmm.

Seriously, how are you eating this? Ugh.

Are you gonna settle down once the movie starts?

It's always hard to tell with me.

But if you get me some regular popcorn,

I might behave.

Fine.

Oh, my wallet.

Mmm, salty.

Will someone please explain this?

Um, well, we just, um...

I kissed her.

Then I climbed over the seat, then I kissed her some more.

♪♪

Well, you told me that Jordan was annoying and high maintenance.

That was just sexual tension.

No, you're both those things.

You're also cute. I'll take it.

No, you will not. You will take nothing.

♪♪

Ruby, what's the big deal?

Hey, first of all, I was gone for, like, four seconds.

Second, I went to get you popcorn.

And third, it was four seconds.

Why are you so upset?

I share enough with you. I don't want to have to share her.

Kristen isn't the bathroom or a sandwich.

She's a person.

A person who let me kiss her on the mouth.

The same mouth that could have said

"Hey, what are you doing? We're just friends."

But it didn't.

But you barely know her.

- Ruby, don't fight this. - This is destiny.

♪♪

It's not destiny. It's insane.

♪♪

Is that guy playing the organ listening to us?

Don't change the subject. I'm really upset with you.

Don't be.

Hey, let's all go to a ball game.

♪♪

See?

Hey, mind your own business.

♪♪

Hey, Ben. How was school?

Awesome. Where are my dominoes?

All right. What happened?

I took your advice about turning the other cheek,

and Jamie punched that one even harder. What?

Maybe we should sit down with Jamie's mom and have a talk.

Oh, good. Why not just punch me in the butt yourself?

Audie, shouldn't we be teaching him to stand up for himself?

Yes. With his words. Right?

Of course, because we have agreed to raise our boys

in this talky, nonviolent way.

Hey, completely unrelated. You want to go for a drive, get some ice cream?

Okay.

What's the first rule of Gallagher Fight Club?

Don't tell Mom about Gallagher Fight Club.

Attaboy. Attaboy.

Hey, Jordan. I'm having a glass of milk.

Let me know if you plan on sticking your tongue in it.

You think you're the only one in this house who likes milk?

News flash.

Jordan likes the milk, and the milk likes him.

Oh, God, what is this?

Sour cream and pickle juice.

Oh, you knew I would drink it!

You're about as complicated as a fish stick.

All right, that's enough.

You two have been going at it ever since you got home.

It could all end if Jordan would stop dating Kristen.

Or if Ruby would back off

and stop trying to control everyone else's life.

Well, it sounds like you're gonna have to learn to share her.

Works for me. Of course it does

'cause you have nothing to lose.

What are you losing?

Okay. What if you two get in a fight

and she feels weird around me?

Or what if she tells me a secret about you

and then that's weird? What if we all start feeling weird

'cause we're so weirded out about it getting weird?

Do you know what she's saying?

She's saying that you put her

in an awkward position, and I agree.

Face. Did you hear that?

And I'm not saying it's gonna be easy.

but if my parents were able to share me after their divorce,

I know you two can share Kristen.

That's different. Right, because you both get along.

My parents barely spoke to each other.

But still, every Christmas,

I'd take a photo with my mom in front of a white wall,

and then she'd drop me off at Dad's,

and I'd take a photo with him in front of a white wall,

and then I'd tape the two photos together,

bring 'em to school,

and tell everyone what a great family holiday we had

in front of our Christmas wall.

Aunt Audie, are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

That's a happy story.

They made it work, and so will you.

Mom-- It was a Christmas miracle.

Gallagher men have had a long tradition of fighting.

From our ancestors battling

in the potato fields of Ireland

to your uncle and me beating up Bon Jovi at Newark Airport.

You make fun of my travel clogs,

you get a smackdown.

Now, the point is

you have to learn to stand up for yourself.

Mom says the bravest man

is the one that walks away from a fight.

Mom also says light beer tastes just as good.

Every Gallagher develops his own fighting style.

I like to circle a bit, look for my opponent's weaknesses.

Me, I go straight for the plums.

I don't know what that means.

It means you fight to win.

But you fight fair.

Fighting isn't fair. That's why it's fighting.

Now, do you want to stand up to Jamie, or don't you?

I do. A lot.

Okay. Watch and learn.

I'll be you.

Patrick will be Jamie. Could Dad be me?

'Cause I'd really like to win.

You know what? I'm trying to help you.

But if you're gonna mock me, you're on your own.

Hey, I'm sure he didn't mean--

And that's how you beat Jamie.

Do you remember the first time you kissed me?

Like it was yesterday.

It was yesterday.

And that's why.

You turned around to tell me to shut up

when I said "Your mouth is so fine."

No. You said, "Please, can I kiss you?"

I'll remember it my way.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I know you guys are on a date,

but you've got to check this out.

I just found our math teacher's dating profile on LoveMatch.

Oh, my God.

Here's a picture of him riding a horse with his shirt off.

Oh, that is so humiliating. I know.

Wait. Should we send it to everyone?

Well, on one hand, it's none of our business,

but on the other hand, yeah.

Um, maybe you girls could do this later.

Oh, no. There is a testimonial here from his mother.

Oh.

Hey, Kristen, you want to go for a bite?

Oh, that's a good idea. You guys go have fun.

I'm just gonna stay in, watch the movie I rented--

Harold and Maude, the director's cut.

What? I love that movie.

You know, I do remember you telling me that.

Excuse me for a second.

What are you doing?

I'm sharing, like your mom told us to.

This is not sharing. This is stealing.

It's not stealing if she chooses me.

Which she will, because I know Kristen.

How she thinks, what she likes.

You're in way over your head.

Kristen, you want to go upstairs and make out?

Okay.

Hey, guys.

Oh. It's you. Oh. It's you.

Everything okay?

Great. Good.

So, uh, what are you doing?

Nothing. Just waiting for Ben to get home from school.

Both of you? Why?

Can't two men wait for a boy without it being a thing?

Well, how'd it go?

I kicked Jamie in the butt.

Everyone laughed. Jamie started crying.

Oh, what a beautiful story!

Our little boy's grown up.

Look at me. I'm a mess.

Audie, Ben has something to tell you.

I thought we were keeping this from Mom.

Yeah, well, that was before we knew

we could rub it in her face.

Honey, guess what.

I lied about taking Ben for ice cream.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Yes. Instead, David and I taught him how to fight.

Really?

Yes, really.

Ben, tell your mother what happened.

I kicked Jamie, and she started crying.

Ha!

Wait.

She?

As in Jamie's a girl?

Well, these old bones need a bath.

Sit.

So you lied.

You taught our son to use violence,

and then he made a little girl cry.

Oh, she's taller than me.

No, she's not.

You are gonna call Jamie's mom and apologize,

and you are gonna write an essay

on why violence is wrong.

And you--

♪♪

This is like our own apartment.

With hundreds of chairs.

I love making out with you.

I love making out with you.

I mean, Ruby wants me to feel guilty, but I don't.

Cool.

I mean...

she was out of control last night. Okay.

Maybe we should call her.

Why?

Well, so she knows she's not excluded.

But she is excluded.

Not in a mean way, but come on.

And if she had a boyfriend,

she'd blow me off, and I'd be cool with that.

You're right.

But this is what she said would happen.

And I said it wouldn't,

but now I can't even enjoy

the simple pleasure of kissing you.

Well, that's a shame

'cause it's kinda all we got.

♪♪

So, Molly,

you don't like movies or books

or music.

Right.

So what do you like?

Oh, you know,

stuff.

what does that mean, stuff?

Look, you invited me here.

Hey. Oh, sorry. Didn't know you were busy.

No, no. Stay.

You remember Molly from school.

Hey, you're the girl that was hit by lightning, right?

So they tell me.

Shoot. I just remembered that you and I have that thing.

What? Yes, that.

I am so sorry. I totally forgot.

Oh, it's no problem. I should probably take off, anyway.

It feels like rain.

You know, she used to be a cheerleader.

Before the storm.

So, how's Kristen?

She'll probably be calling you

'cause we just broke up.

Seriously?

What happened?

Just didn't feel right.

Huh.

Look, I'm sorry I got so territorial over everything.

I just felt like I needed

a little corner of something that was mine.

Well, this room is yours.

Not really.

People come in and out of here all the time.

No one even knocks. I know. That's why I brought you this.

You don't want it anymore?

Ruby, I'm a teenage boy.

Nobody's coming into my room without knocking.

Mom actually starts whistling at the bottom of the stairs.

Well, thank you. I appreciate it.

So, this Molly girl.

Would you be okay with me asking her out?

Seriously? She was hit by lightning.

Gotta know what that's like.

Entrez, por favor.

Are you David Gallagher?

Yes. Did Bruno send you with a package?

I'm Mary Ellen,

and I have something I'd like to give you.

Ah. Well, all fans' underwear

should be dropped off with the concierge.

No, I'm Jamie's mom.

And what I'm giving you

is the ass-kicking of your life.

Oh, really?

That's what Bon Jovi said.