Original subtitles

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Ruby, isn't our camping trip next week?

Yeah, but this tent clearly hasn't been set up in a while,

so I just want to make sure it holds up before we get into the wild.

"The wild"?

It's Dandelion State Park.

It has a Starbucks.

And squirrels. Wild squirrels.

Yeah. I hear they run around without pants.

Found my old canteen.

Gives the water that clean, fresh metal taste

that tells you you're in nature.

Ben, put your comic down and help your cousin.

It's a graphic novel.

What's the difference? The superheroes all smoke.

All right. You know what? You, too, Jordan. Lend Ruby a hand.

But I'm writing a song... about you.

Uh-huh. Yeah. What's it called?

"My Dear Mother's Beauty

Will Always Be Super Pretty."

Oh, honey, I love you so much.

Especially when you suck up.

Okay, rod F

goes into flap G.

Oh. Almost.

Almost!

Ohh!

You stupid, dusty old bag!

My friends call me Shirley.

Mom?

♪ Hey, show me the way ♪

♪ What are the rules? ♪

♪ How do you keep a family? ♪

♪ What is the key? ♪

♪ How do you stay together? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa-oa-oa ♪

♪ If love is all you need to get along ♪

♪ To be strong for each other ♪

♪ I'll give you all I can ♪

♪ You are where I live ♪

♪ So, hey, it's a brand-new day ♪

♪ Shouldn't we celebrate? ♪

♪ Isn't that what you're supposed to do ♪

♪ When your dreams come true ♪

♪ When your whole world turns over ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa-oa-oa ♪

♪ If love is all you need to get along ♪

♪ To be strong for each other ♪

♪ I'll give you all I can give ♪

♪ You are where I live ♪ ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

So, uh, you just flew in to meet Ruby?

And to pay a surprise visit

to the son that lights up my life.

Oh, Mom.

Boy, was he surprised. Oh, yeah!

So was the showgirl that was in my bathtub.

David gave me a tour backstage.

Oh, it was very impressive.

They must really love you here.

Well, not to boast, but the St. Augustine Times

described my show as "longer than you'd think."

It said my songs were "all too familiar."

Hey, Mom, did you know I'm thinking of opening

a second car dealership in Tampa?

Oh, good idea, sweetie.

You keep trying till you get it right.

Mom, did you meet Ruby yet?

I've been waiting for an introduction.

Hello, Ruby. You must be overjoyed to meet me.

Oh, I am. And you must be thrilled to meet me.

What an odd thing to say.

Hey, Grandma.

These two handsome men can't possibly be my grandsons.

I know. Right? Ohhh!

What'd you bring us, Grandma? Nothing.

You always say that before you give us money.

You and you. Don't spend it all on drugs.

So what about Ruby?

Oh, silly me. Of course. Here's some gum.

Oh, spearmint. I'll take that.

Boys, take Grandma's bags up to the guest room.

Patrick, the guest room is now Ruby's room.

Oh, I wouldn't want to cause a fuss.

And yet you show up unannounced.

Pardon? I said

you, um-- you-- you haven't aged an ounce.

That doesn't make any sense.

It was more for me.

Please, just take my room. I insist, Grandma.

Oh, how strange.

To hear a girl I just met call me Grandma.

Well, it is strange, but I like it.

Uh, me, too.

Yet it doesn't feel right.

Sorry?

Why don't we start with Mrs. Gallagher?

Mom, that's ridiculous. Ruby is family.

Oh, it's fine. I get it.

We're new to each other. You want us to earn our relationship.

That's exactly right.

Why don't we start with a hug?

Oh, Ruby, I just know

we're going to be the best of friends.

Aw, thanks, Grandma.

Mrs. Gallagher.

I don't think she likes me.

But she said you'd be best friends.

Then what's with all the "Mrs. Gallagher" thing?

I was just starting to feel like I fit in here,

and now suddenly, I'm back on probation.

Grandma doesn't know what she's saying.

I mean, when you get to her age, it's the same as being drunk.

I don't know.

I mean, she keeps calling me "the new girl."

Why isn't this thing blowing up?

The pump nozzle popped out five minutes ago.

Were you planning on telling me?

Not really. I was enjoying the breeze from the hose.

Anyway, I have a plan.

Tonight, we are going to share

the timeless girl-bonding ritual known as the slumber party.

You're going to sleep in here with Grandma?

Mm-hmm. And we're going to share secrets and gossip,

and by morning, she will love me.

Now, tell me, what are her interests?

What do you mean? Does she like reading?

No idea.

Movies?

I'm not sure.

Uh, knitting?

Hiking? Scrapbooking?

Have either of you ever asked her anything about herself?

She gives us money.

We don't rock the boat.

Your mother is a piece of work.

The way she acted towards Ruby. Mmm.

I'd love to tell her to just-- just take her drama and go home.

Mm-hmm. Except Ruby would blame herself.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, honey.

Honey, you're-- you're doing it again.

What?

Every time your mother visits,

she picks on you, you get angry,

and you start eating.

What else can I do?

She made up her mind a long time ago.

David's perfect, and I'm the village idiot.

You are not an idiot.

You are my smart, sophisticated husband.

Oh, baby, you've got ice cream on your chin.

It might be sour cream. I had a baked potato.

Well, anyway, she'll be gone soon.

I doubt it. She's healthy as a horse.

Yeah. I mean, she'll be flying back to Pittsburgh.

Oh, right.

I mean, I don't hate Rachael Ray. I just don't trust her.

You know, I feel like I'm the one who's doing all the talking,

and I'll pause from time to time,

but then you don't say anything, so I just keep going.

Kind of like now would be an example.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ruby.

I don't mean to be rude. You're a very sweet girl.

You mean it?

Yes, and very intelligent.

Oh... I can see it in your face.

I don't know.

And you're short.

Pardon?

Short. Like an elf.

Well, there are actually four people in my class smaller than me.

Your school must be under a mushroom.

Mushroom.

Mushroom!

Mrs. Gallagher, are you feeling all right?

David gave me a pill for the jetlag.

Oh. Was it a sleeping pill?

It looked pretty alert to me.

I don't think you should be getting out of bed. Oh, it's hot in here.

Mrs. Gallagher, you really shouldn't be up.

I'm fine. Hoo!

Mrs. Gallagher, you're going to fall!

Oh, stop shoving me! I'm pulling you!

Oh, then why am I falling backwards?

Because you're insanely strong!

What's going on in here?

The new girl just tried to push me out the window.

Come on. Shirley, why would Ruby want to push you out the window?

How would I know? You're the one raising her.

Have there been any other

acts of violence in the neighborhood?

Any pets missing?

Mrs. Gallagher, I swear,

I was only trying to keep you from hurting yourself.

I would never hurt myself.

I'm my favorite person.

Oh, is that glass of water coming soon?

Patrick was getting it. Patrick!

I'm really sorry that I scared you,

and that I grabbed your thighs.

That was weird.

I think I should move into a hotel.

Let's go. Where are my keys?

Aunt Audie, no.

Mrs. Gallagher can just have my room all to herself.

I'll sleep on the sofa.

And tomorrow, we'll be well rested,

and we can just put all of this behind us.

I don't know.

Is the hotel idea dead?

Because I will drive,

I will pay, and I will tuck you in.

So, slumber party. Good plan.

Well, it would've been if my dad hadn't dosed her.

Jetlag? Pittsburgh's, like, an hour away.

Anyway, I have a new plan.

My dad gave me a list of Mrs. Gallagher's favorite foods.

So, tonight, I'm going to make her a meal in her honor.

By dessert, I'll be calling her Grandma,

and she'll be calling me Ruby

without clenching her jaw.

I gotta say, I think you're trying too hard.

Ben and I never make the slightest effort around her, and she loves us.

I used to charge her a dollar a kiss.

And we're actually kind of rude to her.

I mean-- Now check it out.

Grandma, can I have your Cadillac when you die?

We'll see.

Grandma, why does your jaw snap when you eat?

Oh, don't be sassy.

Come on. You do it now. Come on.

Mrs. Gallagher--

What?

No. Come on.

Why does your coat smell like mothballs?

Oh, not the coat.

That coat belonged to my mother,

who died falling off the roof

trying to save her pet canary, Mr. Pib.

It's the only thing I have left of her,

and I'm sorry if the smell bothers you.

Who makes fun of an old woman's coat?

This ring is a family heirloom.

It was a gift to my great-great-grandmother

from a French general who defiled her.

Such a romantic time--

when a glance meant everything.

Wow! Ruby, what a meal.

Thank you.

How come Dad gets to start?

Patrick, for God's sake.

Every mouthful is like a hug.

I propose a toast.

To the number one lady in my life.

Thank you.

Oh, good. That'll help.

You know, Grandma, Ruby spent all day on this.

Is that right?

Mom, let me serve you some chicken.

Let-- Let David do it. You always mangle the meat.

So, Shirley,

did you know that Ruby has a beautiful voice?

Really? Mmm.

Well, sing something.

Oh, no, I don't think-- Sing.

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

No, no, no. From the diaphragm.

♪ I once was lost ♪

♪ But now I'm found ♪

♪ Was blind but now ♪

♪ I see ♪

♪♪

♪♪

Who was better, boys? Be honest.

Ah, there's so much love at this table,

you can almost smell it.

Mmm. I'm tearing up.

My words do that.

What's in this sauce?

Um, just vinegar, sugar,

uh, bread crumbs, dill,

pepper, salt, basil...

So, now you know I like to cook,

and I know you're deathly allergic to wheat.

It's not my fault. You gave me a list of her favorite foods.

I'm sorry. I thought you said my favorites.

Why would I honor your mother with your favorite foods?

Seemed strange to me, too.

I just don't understand how this could go so wrong.

I mean, my other grandparents love me, and they have short-term memory loss.

I had to win their affection every day.

Ruby, we know you weren't really trying to kill our mother.

Of course not. Because there would be

100 easier ways to do it.

Like, you could back a car over her.

Uncle Patrick--

Hey, Mom, be a doll and grab the paper.

Screech. Done.

I don't know. You hit Mom with a car--

It's just going to make her angry.

Careful, now, Grandma.

If you break your hip, we'll have to shoot you.

You boys!

Are you feeling better, Mrs. Gallagher?

I will be when I'm in a taxi,

heading for the airport.

Please don't go. I'm really sorry about the dinner.

Plus, Aunt Audie's out getting your allergy medicine.

Well, it's not like her day is packed.

Dance teacher. What a scam.

I'm sorry.

I just don't feel safe in this house.

Mom, do you have to be so dramatic?

Don't you use that tone with me!

I was in labor with you for 22 hours!

And you just popped right out.

Well, I couldn't have done it without your excellent dilation.

Wait. I know how to make you feel safe in this house.

I promise, tonight you will rest in peace.

I mean, rest easy.

Sleep well, Mrs. Gallagher!

Knock, knock. It's unflapped.

Hey.

Hey. Come on in.

Oh, I like what you've done with the place.

Now, um-- Now, I should warn you,

I don't snore, but I will spoon whoever I'm with.

Aunt Audie, you don't have to sleep in here tonight.

Neither do you. I mean, this is ridiculous.

I know, but it made her happy.

Actually, no. It made her stay.

Besides, this is actually kind of fun.

You can hear the crickets and look at the stars, and...

feel something under the tent that I thought was a rock

but is now moving!

You know, this'll be nice.

Hmm? Just us girls.

What's up, ladies?

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

We don't think it's fair

that Ruby has to sleep out here alone.

Plus, Grandma was asking for a foot massage.

Poor Patrick.

Now he's alone in the house with Shirley.

I can't sleep with no one spooning me.

Hey, Mom, I got your message. What's the emergency?

I called out for a foot massage, and nobody answered.

What? That's outrageous!

Patrick? Audie? Jordan?

Jordan's brother?

Where are they?

I see a tent in the backyard.

I hear laughter.

I bet it's them.

How rude, leaving me here all alone.

Uh, so, they're outside

cramped in a tiny tent, happy and laughing,

and you're in here alone.

What are you implying?

Mom, is it possible that you might've said

or done something to hurt Ruby's feelings?

Me?

Yeah, right. What was I thinking?

15! 16! 17!

85 more, and you'll beat the world record.

You can do it, Dad! What in God's name

are you people doing in here?

We're having fun.

Fun?

Crowded into a tent like a bunch of dirty hippies?

Was this her idea?

All right. That's it!

Huh?

I think he said, "All right, that's it."

Mom!

I've been in this tent having fun

for the first time since you got here.

You know why? Because I'm with my family, which includes Ruby.

You've been making her feel like she doesn't belong, but she does.

And if you can't handle it, I'll put you in a cab right now!

Wow, look at you.

I did it! I talked back to my mom,

and I feel great!

How do you think I feel?

I don't care! Bam!

Maybe you should hear her out.

Maybe I will, and maybe I won't.

I will. Go ahead, Mom.

Do you know how I found out that Ruby came into your lives?

I called, and she answered the phone.

I don't remember that.

I pretended I was selling hot tubs.

That's why the hot tub hasn't come yet.

Is that how little anyone cares about me?

Nobody thinks to tell me

that I have a granddaughter or invite me to meet her.

Hold on. I told my dad that I wanted to see you

on, like, the second day that I was here.

What am I, a travel agent?

So, basically,

you felt like an outsider in your own family.

I suppose.

That's kind of how you made me feel.

Ruby, I-I'm sorry about my behavior.

Why didn't you just tell us how you felt when you got here?

I don't know.

Oh, why don't we start again?

Happy to meet you, Ruby.

You, too, Grandma.

Let's go have that slumber party.

Okay.

Aah. Well, I don't want to toot my own horn,

but somehow I just can't help but think

I put this family together again.

But I've still got years of unresolved anger.

Come on. Get happy.

Who put the tent up, anyway?

Uncle Patrick did.

I doubt that. Patrick could barely make his bed.

That's a good one, Mom.

You should crawl inside. It's surprisingly comfortable.

Oh. Don't mind if I do.

My, what a big kitty-cat.

That's called a mountain lion, Mom.

Honey, what's the matter? A bad dream?

No.

Just a new version on a classic.

♪ Whoa, whoa-oa-oa ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ No matter what, no matter where ♪

♪ This life takes me ♪

♪ I'll give you all I can give ♪

♪ You are where I live ♪

♪♪

♪ You are where I live ♪

♪ I'll give you all I can give ♪

♪ You are where I live ♪

♪ I'll give you all I can give ♪

♪ You are where I live ♪

♪ I'll give you all I can give ♪

♪♪

So I can stay, right?