Original subtitles

♪♪

This makes no sense at all.

If Ruby's teachers want to meet me,

why don't they come to my workplace?

Because this is how parent-teacher conferences

are done all over the world since the beginning of time.

And you show up even if you're just an uncle

and technically could be home watching the ball game.

Boy, do I feel loved.

Sorry, honey, but it's just these chairs.

Don't public schools have some sort of VIP lounge?

Okay, Dad, you are about to meet my favorite teacher,

so you know the best version of yourself,

the one that's hard to maintain?

I need that guy for five minutes.

Fine. I'll try and keep my eyes open,

but don't expect me to like it.

Hola.

Sorry I'm late.

No problemo.

♪ Hey, show me the way ♪

♪ What are the rules? ♪

♪ How do you keep a family? ♪

♪ What is the key? ♪

♪ How do you stay together? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa-oa-oa ♪

♪ If love is all you need to get along ♪

♪ To be strong for each other ♪

♪ I'll give you all I can give you ♪

♪ Where I live ♪ ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

Welcome to the home of Patrick Gallagher,

of the '80s rock band The Rockits.

Wait, your Web site said he lived in a mansion.

How big is your house?

Does the tour include the bedroom?

20 bucks gets you into all family areas.

You'll also enjoy a hot beverage

and you can keep one of my dad's socks.

What's going on here?

Oh, my God, it's the other son.

Ben, uh, I'm gonna need a word with you.

Who are these people?

You know those crazy fans who post on Rockits Web sites?

Yeah. Here they are.

And they have money.

Wow!

They'll pay to tour our house.

Okay, Ben, bringing strangers into our home

is a serious violation of Mom and Dad's trust.

How serious?

Half of whatever you make.

Done.

Hey, there.

Bottom line is Ruby is an exceptional student.

I'm blessed to have her in my class.

Well, she tells us you inspire her.

I'm pretty inspired myself.

It's true. Watching the passion

that Miss Vasquez has with us every day,

I just can't imagine anything more fulfilling.

Well, maybe you'll end up teaching someday.

Yeah, if some other stuff doesn't work out.

So, does anyone have any questions?

Yeah, just one.

Uh...recognize me?

A little band called The Rockits?

I was the sex symbol.

I was the sex symbol.

I think Spanish is the most beautiful language.

I don't think it, I know it.

You know I'm here, right?

26 for you, 26 for me.

14 for you, 14 for me.

Why didn't you just divide it up by tens?

Because this is harder for you to follow.

Not that I'm stealing.

Ah, Patrick, you were inappropriate with Ruby's teacher.

Who? You mean Miss Vasquez?

No, I mean the shop guy with three fingers.

Oh, that's right, you met Miss Vasquez.

What was she wearing?

A white and brown wrap dress with a medium sling-back heel.

What? I'm observant.

What am I wearing?

I wanna say...pants?

Why is the sink full of teacups?

Oh, I was having a tea party.

With my stuffed animals, for old times' sake.

Was one of them wearing lipstick?

Leave him alone. 12 is an awkward age.

You wear all the lipstick you want.

Thanks.

Hey, champ,

anything you want to share with your old dad?

Well, that was fun.

But, uh, I gotta go because nothing here looks promising.

Thanks for meeting all my teachers today.

Oh, no, thank you.

Because I actually got a date out of it

with Miss Vasquez.

What? Are you kidding me?

Man, you've got the best life.

You get to sleep all day and date Miss Vasquez.

With any luck I'll get to combine those things.

Dad, my teacher is off-limits.

But you're the one who's always telling me

I should date someone normal.

Yeah. I mean like a secretary or a fry cook

or a-- a cobbler.

Isn't that a dessert?

It's a person who fixes shoes.

Isn't that a blacksmith?

Okay, Miss Vasquez, she's like my hero.

What are you trying to say?

I'll take this, Ruby.

Miss Vasquez is an extraordinary lady.

You are simply the size of a lady.

Poor Patrick.

The size of a dinosaur, brain of a dinosaur.

What do you think, Audie?

I think Patrick wants to go out with Miss Vasquez.

No, I don't, because I can't.

And because I like you better.

A lot better.

You know what I'd do if I went out with her?

Because I've given this a fair amount of thought.

We'd take a drive through the woods

on a snowy night.

Whoops, car broke down.

She's cold because she's in a tank top.

So I build us a snow cave,

and suddenly, a second figure emerges from the storm.

It's Kelly, my hot babysitter from when I was ten.

Jordan, you're not helping.

No, no. Give him a minute.

What happens next?

Dad, please do not go out with Miss Vasquez tonight.

Just tell her that you're sick or something.

Yeah, right.

Do I look sick?

You look like a gay pirate.

Carly Simon went nuts for this outfit.

I don't know who that is.

Look, if you wine and dine Miss Vasquez,

and then dump her, I'm going to have to sit

in that classroom, wondering if she hates me.

Why would you think I would dump her?

Because that's what you always do.

Usually on the same night.

That's not true. What about Margaret?

The crazy fan who hid in the wheel well

of your tour jet?

Those were three of the happiest weeks of my life.

She'd hide, I'd find her.

Dad, please, I am begging you.

Do not destroy my relationship with my favorite teacher.

Okay.

Okay, I have an idea.

What if I cancelled my date with Miss Vasquez?

That was my idea. That's why I came here.

Here I am, trying to be nice,

and you have to make a fight out of it.

Okay.

I'm-- I'm sorry. Thank you.

Are you calling her?

No. Room service.

I need them to send me up some hot butter

so I can get out of these pants.

I'm running out of stuff to give away on the tours.

Can you start saving Dad's napkins?

Can't you just crumple up any napkin and say it was Dad's?

Don't ask why, but that crossed a line for me.

Hey. Is anyone else missing all their belts?

Who cares? No one wear belts anymore.

They don't?

Well, old people do, but a hip guy like you?

You're too cool to be working a nerd loop.

That's what the young people call belts.

Really? Are suspenders still okay?

Cool straps? They're fine.

Good to know.

We can't keep this up forever.

Please, he's completely trusting.

Like a baby elephant.

Jordan, should I take my dad to a movie?

I just feel bad that he's home alone tonight.

Well, feel better because he's out with Miss Vasquez right now.

Oh, no, he's not. He cancelled.

Then por qué are they at Matelli's

enjoying white wine and mushroom-based risotto?

What? How do you know that?

My friend Spencer's there having dinner with his parents.

He saw them come in, and he's been sending pictures to everyone.

Why would he do that?

Well, it's his birthday, and his parents wanted to take him somewhere nice.

No! I-- I mean my dad.

Check it out. I--

He lied to me.

Look at this one.

He-- He's dropped his fork, and...

Oh, Uncle David!

Well, I guess this is gonna be my new screen saver.

I had a dog once, but I lost him at Farm Aid.

Oh, that's awful. No.

What's awful is, three years later,

I caught Willie Nelson wearing his collar.

So, you were never a Rockits fan?

Oh, I liked your stuff on the radio,

but my sister had all your albums.

Uh-huh. She'll be so jealous.

You know what would make her real jealous?

Oh, I, uh-- Excuse me.

Nah, it's just Ruby. Oh, David.

Oh, right. I should answer that

'cause that's what good dads do.

Hey, Ruby.

No, I can hear you fine.

Uh, she says it's too noisy in here. Oh.

I'll be right back.

A little bit more.

A little bit more.

There. Now I can hear you. Now, hold on a second.

But don't move, 'cause it's really important.

Okay.

Hi, Miss Vasquez. Well--

I mean, hola.

Ruby, what are you doing here?

I don't think you should be seeing my father.

We're just having a friendly dinner. No.

One of you is. The other is winning a staring contest with your chest.

I-- I don't understand.

Um, Dad, if I met somebody online,

is it okay to meet them in person?

Actually, the answer to that is no.

Just hold on. I have another question.

I just think you guys are completely wrong for each other.

Then why aren't you having this conversation with him?

Well, I tried, but-- I'm losing you again.

Why don't you go walk behind the plant...

that I imagine is there?

Hold on.

Just promise me you won't see him anymore. Please?

Ruby, I-- Oh, he's coming back.

Sorry about that.

Ruby just met a guy online.

Fingers crossed.

Remember, your reports on Latin America are due Miércoles.

Miércoles.

Wednesday.

Miss Vasquez?

I just wanted to say sorry for last night.

It was really inappropriate of me to try and ruin your date.

Yes, it was.

So, did it work?

Well, I don't want my favorite student to feel awkward,

so I left your father a message this morning

saying that we're two very different people, and it wouldn't work out, okay?

Oh, thank you, Miss Vasquez. You're the best teacher ever.

In Spanish.

Close enough.

Hey, Dad,

you wanna go for an early dinner?

Di-- Did we have plans?

I'm sorry. I've just been a little out of it today.

Well, do you wanna talk about it?

Or not. We don't have to.

Maybe we'll both be more comfortable not talking about it.

No. I wanna come clean.

Ruby, I lied to you.

I went out with Miss Vasquez last night.

Really?

I know. I said I wouldn't.

I'm sorry you're mad. Why can't I change?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's okay. I still love you.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, I kind of got the wind knocked out of me.

I've been out with a lot of women,

and they usually fall for me, hard.

Like, they have support groups.

But this-- this has never happened before.

Well, I told you. Miss Vasquez is a little different.

A lot different.

That's why I feel like I'm the happiest man alive.

Sorry?

Hug me, Ruby. I'm in love.

This is crazy. You can't be in love with my teacher.

Oh? Then why am I writing her a poem?

"You're my hot, Honduran flower.

I want to hug you in the shower."

Too forward? Be honest.

First of all, she's from Ecuador.

I know, but it doesn't fit.

This is crazy!

You've only been out with her once, Dad.

Doesn't matter. When you know, you know.

Have you listened to your phone messages today?

No, I can't.

The kid who does that for me is out sick.

Okay, where is your phone? Because I'm pretty sure

Miss Vasquez left you a message that you really need to hear.

Really?

I can guess what it says.

I don't think you can.

You know, Ruby, for the first time,

I really understand what a normal woman has to offer.

She loves dogs. She doesn't mind cats.

She sometimes has the same meal two days in a row.

She calls it "leftovers."

Oh! Found it!

You have one new message.

Mm-hmm.

Hi, David. It's Vanessa.

Listen, I had a lot of fun last night.

Me, too. But we're obviously two very different people,

and I just don't think it's gonna work out.

What? So thanks for the lovely evening

and for the autographed Rockits mug.

My sister will love it.

Maybe I can get you that mug back.

So David really thinks he's in love with Miss Vasquez?

Yes! I mean, who falls in love after one date?

Birds? Monkeys?

I think monkeys take their time.

Look, Ruby, he's not really in love.

He just thinks he is.

I know. Right? I mean, that's why

I had to show up on their date and lure my dad

away from the table and tell her not to see him anymore.

Why aren't you guys laughing?

You did what?

Ruby, you sabotaged their date?

Sabotage!

I mean, come on! It's not like I sunk a battleship.

Okay, well, he did a bad thing first.

But you also did something bad.

Yeah, but I had a free pass. So, you know,

if I do another bad thing, then that's bad.

It doesn't work that way. But it should.

But it doesn't. Look,

Ruby, if we told you everything you did was okay,

then you would have no moral code.

I'm fine with that.

You'd end up like your father.

- I knew you were gonna go there. - And if you're worried

Miss Vasquez will end up alone, trust me, she won't.

She's a beautiful woman.

You just had to shoehorn that in, didn't you?

Hello? Dad?

You love me,

don't you, cake?

Um, don't you have a show to do in a few minutes?

Do I? The days and nights all seem to bleed together

since Vanessa threw me to the gutter.

That was two hours ago.

Look, there's something I need to apologize for.

I know. You came to the restaurant

and destroyed my date.

Oh. So, you talked to her?

Yeah, she told me everything--

that she had second thoughts

about dating a student's father,

and that some of our conversation

freaked her out.

So, that means that if--

I'll never get to be her bedroom matador.

Oh, I am so happy.

What? Sorry.

No, that's okay.

I guess I just don't belong

with a normal girl, Ruby,

or deserve a chance at love.

Dad!

Nah, it's okay.

No, it's not okay.

You were talking to a cake.

Cakes don't judge.

If you wanna have a real relationship, you know it'll happen.

I can't do it, Ruby. It just hurts too much.

Like a hangover, but in your heart.

That doesn't mean you should give up.

You think?

Yes! I mean, aren't you the one

always telling me the cure for a hangover

is to go out and get drunk again?

I do say that.

We can't do a tour on a school day. It's too risky.

What's risky about making 100 bucks at lunch

when Mom and Dad are at work?

That is a lot of money.

But I've gotta be back in time for health class.

They're showing a video, and I think it could be the one.

"A nation of 13 million people,

Guatemala's chief exports are fruits, vegetables and copper ore."

♪♪

♪ Va-Va-Va-Va-Vanessa ♪

♪ Va-Va-Va-Va-Vanessa ♪

♪ Now, she teach-a Spanish ♪

♪ And her skin is so tannish ♪

♪ And I think I love her ♪

Why is this not working?

You told me to keep trying.

Yeah. I meant with other women.

- Really? - Really.

Well, glad I stopped when I did,

because these pants are tear-away.

This is the best lunch we've snuck away for in a long time.

And the cheapest.

Ooh!

You know, you move pretty good.

Oh, you inspire me.

More than Miss Vasquez?

Honey, you're the only one for me,

and I have 20 minutes to prove it before I have to go back to work.

You wanna prove it upstairs,

or, uh, in the kitchen?

The kitchen.

We can have toast right after. Mmm!

Oh, I've never seen you like this.

I should make you jealous more often.

The body of a dinosaur,

brain of a dinosaur.

Tyrannosaurus sex.

Ooh!

Nooo!

How much for that tour?

You're lucky you sold all my belts.

Nerd loops.

I'm not buying that anymore.

Patrick-- It was Ben's idea.

But Jordan should've known better.

He's so much older,

and I look to him for guidance.

You guys, you don't get it. These fans are crazy.

He's right, you know.

Go away!

♪ Va-Va-Va-Va-Vanessa ♪

♪ Va-Va-Va-Va-Vanessa ♪

♪ Now, she teach-a Spanish ♪

♪ And her skin is so tannish ♪

♪ And I think I love her ♪

♪ Yes, I think I ♪

♪ Va-Va-Va-Va-Vanessa ♪

♪ Va-Va-Va-Va-Vanessa ♪

♪ Now, she teach-a Spanish ♪

♪ And her skin is so tannish ♪

♪ And I think I love her ♪