Original subtitles

♪♪

Okay.

Oh, you're not really putting a Rockits poster on your wall?

Why not?

Well, let's see.

My dad is wearing body glitter,

and yours looks like a witch.

Please! You wish you had that hair.

Actually, I'm quite happy with my hair.

Yeah, no kidding. Here's you walking by a mirror.

Ohh! Ohh! Oh, yeah?

Well, here's you on the phone.

Oh, no, she didn't! Oh, no, she did not!

Ohhh, no, she did not!

I don't even act like that. No, no, no.

Here's you secretly flexing your muscles.

Ooh. Ooh. Okay, I don't do that.

But you do this when you dance.

Oh, so you think I dance funny?

No, no, no. Who am I?

Oh, hey, ladies. Come here and get some of this.

Oh, yeah? Ohhh! Come here and get some of that.

Look at my long, beautiful girl hair.

Ohh! Ohh!

Maybe they don't have enough homework. Mm-mm.

♪ Hey, show me the way ♪

♪ What are the rules? ♪

♪ How do you keep a family? ♪

♪ What is the key? ♪

♪ How do you stay together? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa-oa-oa ♪

♪ If love is all you need to get along ♪

♪ To be strong for each other ♪

♪ I'll give you all I can give you ♪

♪ Where I live ♪ ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

Come on, Patrick. You own a whole dealership.

Just let me borrow it for the weekend. Not a chance.

The Equinox is a state-of-the-art hydrogen car.

There's only 100 of them in the world.

Even better. I'm being interviewed

for Jive at 5:00 tomorrow,

and that chick who hosts it is superhot.

So?

So, your car is eco-friendly,

and women just love it when you pretend

to care about the earth.

I do care.

Yeah. Me, too.

All right. Ready to go?

Yes, but I want it in writing

that if I go with you to the opera tonight,

you'll attend an event of my choosing, and you cannot say no.

Why are you so stuck on this?

Because it's an opera, it's four hours long,

and there's only one halftime.

But opera has jealousy

and passion and women with big boobs.

I love all those things.

I know.

Are you guys leaving now?

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for babysitting Ben.

Uh-uh-uh! Uh, for young man-sitting Ben.

It doesn't matter what you call it. I don't need to be watched.

I'm gonna bake cookies.

Go on.

I rented Snakes on a Plane.

Intriguing.

I'm not really a fan of bedtimes.

We're good here.

All right. Then let's go.

I'm excited to ride in the new car. Wait.

She gets to ride in the car? She's not even your blood.

No one is riding in that car.

There's a 5% chance of rain tonight.

Beth is staying in the garage where she's safe.

You named your car Beth?

Well, Elizabeth, but that's a mouthful.

All right. Fine, fine. We'll take my car,

which doesn't have a name because it's a car.

Uh, you have our numbers, and Jordan should be home

from his study group by 11:00.

Jordan, study group?

Am I the only one raising an eyebrow here?

After his last report card,

he better be studying.

And don't forget about that iTunes bill. Mm-hmm.

He spent $212 on the complete works of John Mayer.

Is he in trouble for spending the money

or being oddly into John Mayer?

The point is, he has two strikes.

He can't afford to screw up.

Tell me about it. That's why I have to be

very careful in California and Arkansas.

♪ One day ♪

♪ I know I'll find ♪

♪ A place of my own ♪

♪ Sweet peace of mind ♪

♪ In a world that feels safe ♪

♪ All of the time ♪

♪ No more mistakes ♪

There's snakes on the plane!

How could you not see that coming?

I thought it was a metaphor.

I still can't believe I live in a house with a grand piano.

I mean, we had one in my old school,

but it was out of tune and it smelled like dead squirrel.

Are you still writing that song? Because I think you should speed up the tempo.

Why?

Well, it's more commercial. I mean, don't you wanna sell it?

No. I just do this for me.

It's kind of like a diary, except musical.

I get to work through my feelings and problems,

and sometimes I can even go through deeper things,

like why we're all here or--

Oh, thank God.

Hello?

Ruby, are my parents home yet?

Uh, no. Okay, I need your help.

It's about my designated driver.

I think he's been drinking.

I thought that you were supposed to be at a study group.

Well, obviously, that was a lie.

I'm at a keg party at Trevor's house.

A keg party?

You mean the study group was a cover?

I am shocked. Shocked, I tell you.

Do you want me to call you a cab?

Uh, cabs don't come to Trevor's house anymore.

I'll just walk home.

How far is it?

Um, about eight miles.

But if I get tired, I can rest at that tent city by the interstate.

They'll probably have soup.

What happens if your parents get home first?

Then I'm dead.

My dad'll send me to one of those schools

where they shave your head and make you take care of a horse.

I already have two strikes.

I know. I heard.

Just stay where you are. I'm gonna fix this.

Awesome. Awesome. I love you.

What?

I mean, I'm not in love with you.

I'm just...

Okay, bye.

Hey, those are the keys to Dad's new car.

I know.

Wow. You are the worst babysitter ever!

Get in.

Ruby, is that you?

No, it's Lindsay Lohan. Get in the car.

Wait. You're driving?

You're driving Dad's new car?

What up?

You're driving Dad's new car with Ben?

Are you getting in, or are you just gonna say stuff that's happening?

You don't have a license.

Said the drunk minor.

Seat belts. Which arm?

It's so quiet. It's like a ghost car.

It's a hydrogen engine.

Hey, can I drive next? No!

He said he'd blab if I didn't bring him.

Let's do a donut. No, wait. Let's get a donut.

This isn't a road trip! It's a rescue mission!

We need to get back to the house before your parents get home from the opera.

If buying chick music is one strike,

stealing your dad's car has gotta be, like, ten.

John Mayer is an excellent guitar player.

I don't feel so good.

Here. Drink this. It'll take the edge off.

Not bad. What is it?

Oh, just some apple juice, some raw egg

and a shot of Dad's aftershave.

Man, you look terrible.

I couldn't sleep last night. I just...

I kept thinking, did I park the car

exactly where Uncle Patrick left it?

Did I put the keys on the right side of the dish, underneath the phone bill?

And did someone leave his doll on the backseat of the car?

It's an action figure. I thought we might need backup.

Good morning, guys. Good morning.

Ooh, is this anyone's? Mmm.

That's weird. It tastes good,

but it smells like your dad.

♪ Buongiorno, bambinis ♪

♪ I love you all till the day I draw ♪

♪ My dying breath ♪

Turns out he loves opera.

Who knew?

It was so beautiful and so sad. It made me cry.

A lot.

Hey, you're always saying you'd like to see more of my sensitive side.

Yeah. I was wrong.

Mmm. It tastes good,

but it smells like crap.

Oh, well. Off to work. Mmm.

♪ You are the sun, the moon and the stars ♪

♪ I am the earth, the water and rain ♪

Think we'll ever get the old Patrick back again?

Who the hell drove my car?

There he is.

Somebody drove my brand-new car,

and I know who it was.

Uncle Patrick, I can explain.

No, you can't. She doesn't have to.

You think I don't see what goes on around here?

I'm not an idiot.

It was your father.

Yes. yes, it was. Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute. We don't know that for a fact.

He asked to borrow it, and the seat was adjusted to fit his tiny little legs.

Then it's a slam dunk, right?

Right? Wait. What are you doing?

What do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call him

and tell him he has finally gone too far.

But he's done stuff way worse than this.

I mean, didn't he almost set Ben on fire?

Yeah, that was pretty bad.

Not as bad as this.

Drinking and driving?

I smelled beer in there.

Really? Well, that's impossible.

He didn't drink in the car.

I'm guessing.

Well, who knows? Maybe he was dumb enough

to accidentally spill beer on himself.

Which is probably why he doesn't have a girlfriend.

Shut up...about David.

I'm calling him.

Uncle Patrick, wait.

Ruby, don't get in the middle of this. It's not your problem.

Actually, it is. Why?

Well, 'cause David's my dad,

and if you kill him, I would have to retaliate.

And where would it end?

Hey.

I just checked the car. It's fine.

Why don't you calm down, go to work and deal with David later?

"Calm down"? Easy for you to say. It's not your car.

Well, it's half mine. Not really, but okay.

He's gonna talk to your dad sooner or later.

Which is why I'm gonna go to the casino and ask my dad to take the blame for us.

Well, what if he won't? I think he will.

What if he's not there? He's always there!

What if it rains? What if it does?

It's the things you don't plan for that get you.

You stole your uncle's car, lied about it,

and now you want me to take the blame.

You are so my daughter.

So you agree we shouldn't tell him the truth?

Ruby, the truth is for people

who aren't creative enough to come up with a better story.

And we do have a better story.

But wait.

As your father, I have to ask you,

are you prepared to go down this road?

Because once you start lying,

it's a very slippery slope,

and there's no telling what lies at the bottom.

Who are you talking to?

Great. So,

after I finish my interview at Jive at 5:00,

I'll go over to the house and crank out

one of my famous apologies.

I'm not sure an apology's gonna do it.

Honey, you don't know who you're talking to.

I've made hundreds of apologies,

mostly to angry women.

I will play Patrick

like a one-stringed hillbilly base.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, I knew I could count on you

to do the wrong thing.

Always.

So, what do you think?

Don't be disgusting, Patrick.

Disgusting? This is perfect for a car and truck show.

Unless, of course, you don't love your country.

Then you wear it, 'cause I'm not going at all.

Monster trucks and drunk guys yelling and sloshing beer.

I get that every Christmas at my mother's.

Hey, we made a deal.

I do something I don't like, you do something you don't like.

But you loved the opera, so it didn't count.

If I knew you were gonna change the rules,

I wouldn't have liked it so much.

Ah, who am I kidding? You'd have to be dead not to love opera.

Hello, Patrick

You've got a lot of nerve showing your face in this house.

Okay, I know you're mad,

but I just have to say

you look fantastic.

Don't change the subject.

Patrick, stealing your car was unforgivable.

Yes, it was.

A man like you deserves better.

I do.

I wanna be better for you.

It was my brand-new car,

and I said you couldn't borrow it.

I should've listened, baby--

I mean Patrick.

Take these for a swim, will ya, toots?

Okay, look, I-- I screwed up.

I know. I promise it won't happen again.

Well, it does take guts to show up here

and accept responsibility for your behavior.

So we're good? I didn't say that.

You need time. I understand.

But when you're ready,

so are my arms.

God, I've missed this.

All right.

You know, good to get that behind us.

Let's go. Wait.

You need more? 'Cause I wrote a poem.

We are good here.

So, come back when you can stay.

But wait. Actually, I've got the whole after--

Well, I have to give David credit.

He sprang for some nice flowers.

Hey, guys, Uncle David's on TV.

Oh.

By the way, these are nice flowers.

What do you do with these after the show?

Oh, good. Because respecting him was confusing.

Now, David,

I understand that you recently learned

that you're a father.

The most wonderful thing

that's ever happened to me, Erica.

Well, the Grammy was awesome, too.

But it's fun. It's good.

And your daughter-- what is she like?

Nobody knows her. That won't be interesting.

It might. It won't.

Try me.

Try me.

There's a camera on us.

I'm good with that if you are.

Your daughter.

Ruby? Love her.

She's a chip off the old block.

Tight pants and a little creepy.

No. She's a rebel, like me.

Get this, Erica.

Last night, she stole my brother's new car

so she could pick up her drunk cousin at a keg party.

Gotta love that.

Drinking, lying, grand theft auto.

What if you had run out of hydrogen?

What would you have done then? What will you do?

I don't know.

May I just say a few words on Jordan's behalf?

How about a few words on your behalf?

I guess I can't trust anyone in this house now.

You're an alcoholic, you're a thief,

and you won't go to the car show with me.

Seriously? Now?

You guys, I'm really, really sorry,

and so is Jordan and so is Ben.

I didn't do anything. They wouldn't even let me drive.

And I'm just a boy being a boy.

I'm gonna slam you two together and make one good son.

Hey, guys. I forgot I had a date.

Could I get those flowers back?

We just watched you on television.

Oh. And am I more charming in person

or on the little screen?

There's no wrong answer.

Dad? Yeah?

I thought you were gonna keep our secret.

What? I asked them to edit that out.

Wait. No.

I asked Erica out.

Can we, uh--

Can we focus on what's important here?

Jordan was drinking.

But I didn't try to drive.

You also didn't call us to come get you,

which you promised to do if this ever happened.

You would've gotten mad.

It would've been a back rub and a lollipop

compared to what you're gonna get now.

Wait! Don't give him a third strike. Just give me two instead.

Ruby, what do you think is gonna happen to Jordan?

I don't know.

Military school, wilderness camp, a year at sea?

But that's crazy.

Is it?

I've never done the real family thing before,

and all I know is that Jordan said that something horrible was gonna happen.

I don't know what that means. I'll tell you what it means.

You're grounded for three weeks.

Three weeks?

I know! That totally blows!

You told me that they were gonna send you away!

I was freaking out.

I stole a car for you, and I lied to your parents,

and I made our dads get in a fight

because a third strike means you're grounded?

What kind of hippy-dippy happy fruit house is this?

The happy fruit house where no one gets sent away

no matter how many strikes they have.

The point is we love all of you.

And that's why I told your secret on television.

Dad, that has nothing to do with what we're talking about.

I misunderstood.

Anyway, I'll just, uh, take the flowers

and be on my way.

But as the patriarch of this family,

I hope we've all learned a very valuable--

Please, don't.

Right.

So, are we clear about everything?

Yes. Great.

'Cause you're grounded for a week.

And I get three?

If I start crying like her, will you guys knock a week off?

I didn't cry.

Oh, really?

I'm Ruby. I don't know how families work.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm Jordan, and I'm failing chemistry.

What?

I'm sorry.

♪ One day ♪

♪ I know I'll find ♪

♪ A place of my own ♪

♪ Sweet peace of mind ♪

♪ In a world that feels safe ♪

♪ All of the time ♪

♪ No more mistakes ♪

♪ No more good-byes ♪ Bye, Ruby.

Pizza's on the way.

Have fun at that car thing.

Oh, it's not just a car thing.

It's Muscle Car Madness Night.

They're gonna blow up a tank.

Can't we go to a movie instead?

Please, just do this for me, and I promise I'll do one more thing for you.

I want five. Three.

Done. Ha! I would've done five. Let's go.

What's so funny?

The truth is, I'm excited about the truck rally.

Really? They're gonna blow up a tank!

♪ One day ♪

♪ I know I'll find ♪

♪ A place of my own ♪

♪ Sweet peace of mind ♪

♪ In a world that feels safe ♪

♪ All of the time ♪

♪ No more mistakes ♪

♪ No more good-byes ♪

♪ But, oh, I'll never let go ♪

♪ I'll never let go ♪

♪ I'll always hold on to your soul ♪

♪ 'Cause I know Oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ That I'm gonna never really be alone ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ 'Cause I got your song right here ♪

♪ Inside of me ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪