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Yes, Primeminister (2013) - Season01 - Episode 02 - The Poisoned Chalice
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Synced & corrected by
GhostedNet
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Humphrey, why on earth would you
want us to join the euro now?
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Prime Minister, your summit
conference at Lancaster House
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to solve this terrible
financial crisis
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which currently threatens
to engulf the whole of Europe
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has been an abject
diplomatic failure.
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00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,510
But joining the euro?
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It's going from the frying pan
into the fire!
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Look what happened to Greece.
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But the Kumranistanis are oil-rich,
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and if we become part
of their pipeline project to Europe,
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their loan will solve
all of Europe's financial problems.
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The cost is too high. This is
a shameless scheme, Humphrey,
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to get us to join the euro.
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But the loan is in euros!
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All I know is, I have caught you
red-handed in a devious attempt
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to inveigle us
into the Eurozone behind my back.
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No! Well, yes, but...
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And you were going to
hide it from me
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until it was too late for me
to do anything about it.
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Prime Minister, you need this deal.
I did it for you!
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You must be barking mad!
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Joining the euro now?
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I am trying to save you
from yourself.
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No European Central Bank. No euro.
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Or no deal!
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But the Germans will have
so many objections.
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Ten trillion dollars'
worth of objections?
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I thought not. And you were
going to let them get away with it.
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It would be the ultimate victory
for Brussels.
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Britain becomes an
insignificant outpost
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of the collapsing
European empire.
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Prime Minister, if you take another
look at the computer models...
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Computer models are
what got us into
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this financial mess
in the first place.
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Oh, no, no, no,
that's quite different.
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Nobody knew that those
computer models in the City
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were being given faulty information.
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Everyone assumed that mortgages
were worth their face value.
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But they were worth nothing!
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Why didn't anyone know?
Why didn't you know?
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Well, everybody thought everybody
else understood what was going on.
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Nobody wanted to admit that
they couldn't make sense of it.
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Why couldn't they?
Because it didn't make sense!
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There were some who knew,
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but the ones who
didn't know didn't
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believe that the ones
who did know knew.
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Say that again?
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Prime Minister,
nobody wanted to rock the boat
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because everybody
was making so much money!
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Computer models, Humphrey, are
no different from fashion models...
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seductive, unreliable,
easily corrupted
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and they lead sensible people
to make fools of themselves.
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And because you believed
the computer models about the euro,
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you tried to
bounce your plan past me,
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and not tell me until
it was too late. I'm appalled!
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I really don't know whether
we can go on working together.
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Prime Minister!
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I always thought I could trust you.
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You can!
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Quite frankly,
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I am now profoundly suspicious
about this whole Kumranistan loan.
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I mean, I don't know what else
I don't know. Do you know?
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Do I know what you don't know?
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Yes. Is there anything else
I don't know that I should know?
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I hardly know where to begin.
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About this plan!
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Yes, of course, Prime Minister...
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Look, you know everything you need
to know if you want this loan.
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If you don't want your premiership
to crash on take-off,
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this is the way that it has to be.
(KNOCK AT THE DOOR)
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Drinks with Mr Aitikeev,
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the Kumranistani
Foreign Secretary,
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are in five minutes,
Prime Minister.
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Thank you, Bernard. At least
I can believe what YOU tell me.
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Bernard!
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Did you tell the Prime Minister
about our possibly joining the euro?
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Absolutely not, Sir Humphrey.
You told me not to.
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Well, then, what put him on to it?
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00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,430
Perhaps it was his Special Adviser.
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Oh, that woman!
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How did he arrange to get her here
without your knowing?
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I expect he called her
on his BlackBerry.
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You're not letting him
make his own appointments!
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If you lose control over his diary,
you lose control over him.
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You never know where it'll end.
He'll start running the country.
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He can't. He doesn't know how to.
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Of course he doesn't.
So what can I do about it?
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Get rid of his BlackBerry, Bernard!
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How? Look. Give me yours,
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and find me a paperclip
and straighten it.
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Now, you take off the back plate.
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Pull out the battery thus.
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Ah, you see that hole, Bernard?
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That is the reset button. Paperclip.
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Now, you push that thus.
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Right. That, Bernard, is scrambled.
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For days!
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Thank you, Sir Humphrey. I had
no idea you understood technology.
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I understand survival, Bernard.
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And you can practise
while I am at the dinner.
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(THEY CHAT IN THEIR OWN LANGUAGE)
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You don't look happy, Bernard.
What's the matter?
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I've just had another
wigging from Sir Humphrey.
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What about this time?
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I can't really tell you, I'm afraid.
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Oh, well,
you'll feel better after dinner.
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I hear the new cook's awfully good.
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I can't come to the dinner now.
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Humphrey? Why do you put up with it?
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Well, he's my boss. And I thought
the Prime Minister was your boss.
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Oh, come on,
Claire, I know you get it.
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I'm the servant of two masters. Yes.
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It's not really a problem
when they want the same thing.
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It's not even a problem
when they want different things
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but it is a problem when they want
completely opposite things.
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And in that situation,
presumably the
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Prime Minister takes precedence?
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00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,310
Well, yes and no.
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00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,550
The Prime Minister
is only my temporary boss.
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Sir Humphrey's my permanent boss.
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Surely there's a way
of keeping them both happy.
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Is there? Do tell me what it is.
Well...
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Oh, Claire, there isn't an answer.
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The Prime Minister wants me to help
him score party political points.
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Sir Humphrey wants me
to be completely impartial.
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00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,430
The Prime Minister expects me
to cut corners,
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00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,830
Sir Humphrey expects me
to stick to the rules.
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00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,790
The Prime Minister wants to blame
everything on the bureaucracy.
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00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,990
Sir Humphrey wants to put
the blame on government policy.
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I have galloping
professional schizophrenia.
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How do you manage?
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Mostly, I say nothing to
both of them - very intelligently.
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I've got to be two
completely different people,
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and I'm not sure either of me
likes me anymore.
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I like you, Bernard. Really?
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That's very kind of you,
but which one of me do you like?
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Both of you, Bernard.
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Mr Aitikeev, this is the policy
advisor to the Prime Minister.
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I'm Claire Sutton. Welcome.
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(CHAT CONTINUES AROUND THEM)
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Prime Minister?
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Ah, there you are!
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Why are you lurking out here?
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Where's my speech? Speech?
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I have to make a
speech of welcome to
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the Kumranistani
Foreign Secretary.
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Why? Why can't you just welcome him?
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That's what I'm saying, I want
to welcome him. What do I say?
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Well how about, um... "Welcome"?
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Fine. Then what?
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Well, propose his health.
But what do I actually say?
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Prime Minister, I don't
write your speeches, actually.
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I'm merely the Secretary to the
Cabinet. Why don't you ask Claire?
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Surely soft-soaping
foreigners is her job.
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Claire didn't know he was coming.
Neither did I.
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You kept it secret, remember?
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And now you expect me to welcome
some geezer from Central Asia when
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00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,870
the first time I
heard of him or his
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00:08:04,870 --> 00:08:07,260
country was exactly
ten minutes ago.
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00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:12,070
Actually, I think
it's Bernard's job.
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This is government business,
not party.
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Perhaps Bernard
has drafted something for you.
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Well, where is he?
Missing in action!
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I simply can't imagine
why he's not here.
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Who's that sitting next to Claire?
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That's Kumranistan Foreign
Secretary, Mr Aitikeev.
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I'm pleased to see that
Claire is entertaining him.
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00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:45,180
(CHAT CONTINUES IN THEIR OWN LANGUAGE)
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Sorry, Prime Minister, I didn't
realise you'd want to make a speech.
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I haven't had time to write one.
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Here are some notes with
some information on Kumranistan.
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I actually have to go now.
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Why? Where are you going?
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Well, Sir Humphrey told me to...
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00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,340
..to stay and hear your speech?
Obviously!
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Prime Minister, I think
this might be the moment,
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00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,020
before our guest of honour
gets the worse for wear.
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(HUMPHREY TAPS HIS GLASS)
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OK.
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Well, now.
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00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,750
I haven't prepared anything
to say in welcome,
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00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:36,790
but I very much want to welcome
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our very welcome guest.
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Welcome!
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Um...
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We celebrate tonight
the long-standing friendship...
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00:09:55,640 --> 00:10:02,300
..relationship between
our great country and yours.
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00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:08,310
I mean... No, your great country...
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00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,660
and ours.
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00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:16,950
Erm, we first came across each other
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00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:22,240
in the early days of the East India
Company and the Indian Empire...
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00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:29,140
..and initially, of course,
you were all just wild tribesmen...
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00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:39,240
..who we were quite unable
to tame or control.
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00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:44,820
But in the fullness of time,
we managed to conquer...
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00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:55,230
Not conquer. Not conquer at all.
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00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,030
Certainly not.
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00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:00,670
No, we managed to... overcome
200
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:06,180
your magnificent and fierce
spirit of independence.
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00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,880
And I'm sure you were
most grateful for that.
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00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,550
But then, as part of our empire,
203
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:19,680
on which the sun never sets...
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00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:26,660
..we built your railways
and made the trains run on time.
205
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,460
I wish you could do
the same for us now!
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00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,110
Anyway...
207
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:47,630
Um, we... we went through
some rough patches.
208
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,880
The massacre at...
209
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,860
And we were not blameless.
By no means.
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00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,870
But to bring us up to date,
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00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,470
erm, you...
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00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:04,550
Actually, you had
a long spell under the Soviets.
213
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:10,840
But now we can welcome you to that
great fellowship of democracies.
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00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,230
Or at least you could make a start
215
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:21,580
on the long journey towards
a fully democratic society.
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00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:27,230
Or whatever,
whatever society suits you best.
217
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:33,190
So, it gives me great pleasure
to propose your health, sir,
218
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:39,060
to welcome you
and to raise a glass in, um...
219
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:42,880
..welcome.
220
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,320
Dinner went well, I thought.
221
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,390
They liked my speech.
222
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,550
And they really liked
the goulash and dumplings.
223
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,550
Oh! They liked your speech too.
224
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,390
How did you get on with
the Kumranistani Foreign Secretary?
225
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,710
Was he friendly? Very.
226
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,670
No difficulty understanding him?
227
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,150
No difficulty at all.
228
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:15,510
You think he's just a figurehead
or a really hands-on Minister?
229
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,080
Oh, he's hands-on all right.
230
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,990
Well, once he's on board,
we'll just need a few endorsements.
231
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,670
You remember
the World Economic Forum at Davos?
232
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:28,710
That really worked because Bob
Geldof came out in support of it.
233
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,990
I know, we're working on that.
234
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,870
And Annie Lennox. And Bono.
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00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,590
Bono! Oh, great!
236
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,180
(KNOCK AT THE DOOR)
237
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,710
Hello, Bernard. Enjoy dinner?
Oh, very much, Prime Minister.
238
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,110
Enjoy my speech?
239
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,780
Yes, Prime Minister,
but the goulash was good.
240
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,390
New cook, apparently.
241
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,470
Yes, and in connection with that,
we have a situation.
242
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,840
We've just discovered the cook here
is in the UK illegally.
243
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,070
We have an illegal immigrant
working at Chequers?
244
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,470
How? What the hell
is the Home Office doing?
245
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:06,510
I wonder if anyone will ever solve
that perennial riddle.
246
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,950
Plotting to get rid of me,
I should imagine.
247
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,630
The Home Secretary wants my job.
They all do.
248
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,630
I'll reshuffle her
to the graveyard...
249
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:18,070
the Ministry of Culture,
Media and Sports.
250
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,350
You know, I've never understood
the connection between those three.
251
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,160
Culture, Media and Sport?
None of them matter.
252
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,030
What do you want me to do
about this cook? Where's she from?
253
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,950
She wouldn't say, apparently,
but she's got a false EU passport.
254
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:34,270
Well, couldn't we just
rush a visa through for her?
255
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,950
I'll try, but if you're right
about the Home Office,
256
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,590
it could take months.
I think we'll have to let her go.
257
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,950
Right. We can't risk
the media finding out.
258
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:46,990
"Prime Minister
Harbours Illegal Immigrant!"
259
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,440
How did it come to light?
260
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:51,270
One of the waiters
mentioned it at dinner.
261
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:55,430
Somebody's probably
phoned the BBC already.
262
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,270
(THEY LAUGH)
263
00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:59,790
(PHONE RINGS)
264
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,590
Yes?
265
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,200
It's the BBC!
266
00:15:05,650 --> 00:15:07,580
Yes, thank you.
267
00:15:07,710 --> 00:15:09,446
That was the Press Office, actually.
268
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:12,030
BBC Television's devoting
its Sunday morning programme
269
00:15:12,030 --> 00:15:14,230
to you, Prime Minister.
Should I be pleased?
270
00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:17,970
I fear not. It'll be called
"Government In Crisis".
271
00:15:17,970 --> 00:15:20,830
Oh, Christ!
They want to interview you
272
00:15:20,830 --> 00:15:22,680
about the rumoured cabinet
reshuffle and the
273
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,530
deadlock in the
Lancaster House summit.
274
00:15:24,530 --> 00:15:26,610
You're not doing that, Jim.
He's not doing that.
275
00:15:26,610 --> 00:15:28,710
If I could mention
the Kumranistan loan...
276
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,510
You can't! Not until
Kumranistan has
277
00:15:30,510 --> 00:15:32,310
definitely signed
on the dotted line
278
00:15:32,310 --> 00:15:35,510
and this euro business with the
European Central Bank is sorted out.
279
00:15:35,510 --> 00:15:37,750
Phone them back.
Pretend to be helpful.
280
00:15:39,390 --> 00:15:40,990
Whatever they ask, just give them
281
00:15:40,990 --> 00:15:43,310
one of the replies in
the red binder by the phone.
282
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:45,950
I haven't seen this before.
Supplied by the Press Office.
283
00:15:45,950 --> 00:15:49,150
At my suggestion.
I worked on it with them. Right.
284
00:15:52,590 --> 00:15:54,990
Yes. Robin Simpson, please.
285
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:57,710
This is Robin Simpson.
286
00:15:57,710 --> 00:15:58,950
It's Bernard Woolley,
287
00:15:58,950 --> 00:16:01,510
the Prime Minister's
Principal Private Secretary.
288
00:16:01,510 --> 00:16:05,030
Unfortunately, the Prime Minister
can't speak to you at the moment,
289
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:06,790
but how can I help?
290
00:16:06,790 --> 00:16:08,950
(SPEAKERPHONE:)
'Well, it seems he's losing'
291
00:16:08,950 --> 00:16:11,310
the support of his cabinet
and his backbenchers.
292
00:16:11,310 --> 00:16:12,430
Number three.
293
00:16:14,710 --> 00:16:18,890
"The Prime Minister is not interested
in Westminster tittle-tattle."
294
00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:22,750
"He has the full support
of his colleagues and his party"
295
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:24,910
"on all matters of substance."
296
00:16:24,910 --> 00:16:28,090
I see. But has the Prime Minister
thought of resigning
297
00:16:28,090 --> 00:16:30,450
'in the interests of party unity?'
298
00:16:30,450 --> 00:16:32,530
Are you seriously asking me that?
299
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:33,950
Number four.
300
00:16:35,390 --> 00:16:38,150
"The Prime Minister
was elected to do a job,
301
00:16:38,150 --> 00:16:39,950
"and he intends to get on with it.
302
00:16:40,990 --> 00:16:45,350
"It will mean tough decisions,
but that's what the country expects
303
00:16:45,350 --> 00:16:48,790
"and that's what he's going to do."
Next?
304
00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:51,230
'What about the awful state
of the economy?'
305
00:16:51,230 --> 00:16:52,590
BOTH: Number one!
306
00:16:54,630 --> 00:16:59,710
"This isn't a British crisis,
it's a world crisis."
307
00:16:59,710 --> 00:17:02,230
"Many countries are
worse affected than we are."
308
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:05,950
"We intend to play our part
within the community."
309
00:17:05,950 --> 00:17:08,150
'But what exactly
is he doing about it?'
310
00:17:08,150 --> 00:17:09,790
Two? Two!
311
00:17:09,790 --> 00:17:11,310
Number two.
312
00:17:13,390 --> 00:17:17,030
"The government will do
everything that needs to be done."
313
00:17:17,030 --> 00:17:19,370
"He will not flinch from his duty"
314
00:17:19,370 --> 00:17:22,670
"and a statement will be made
when the time is ripe."
315
00:17:22,670 --> 00:17:26,390
'Why do you think the European
Financial summit has got nowhere?'
316
00:17:28,190 --> 00:17:29,430
I don't think that.
317
00:17:29,430 --> 00:17:31,430
BOTH: Five. What? Five!
318
00:17:31,430 --> 00:17:32,950
Is the Prime Minister there?
319
00:17:32,950 --> 00:17:34,190
Er...
320
00:17:34,190 --> 00:17:37,810
No, that's just the, er...
TV you can hear. Sorry.
321
00:17:38,950 --> 00:17:42,030
"The Prime Minister was elected
to do a job and..."
322
00:17:42,030 --> 00:17:44,270
Oh, no, I've done that one already.
323
00:17:48,750 --> 00:17:53,350
"The meeting-stroke-conference
has certainly not been a failure."
324
00:17:53,350 --> 00:17:55,830
"There has been
invaluable groundwork done"
325
00:17:55,830 --> 00:17:58,950
"and a blueprint is being drawn up
for the next phase."
326
00:17:58,950 --> 00:18:01,010
"Rome wasn't built in a day!"
327
00:18:02,550 --> 00:18:05,110
Oh, thank you!
What are you thanking her for?
328
00:18:05,110 --> 00:18:07,510
She says I've been
thoroughly unhelpful.
329
00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:12,070
Well done, Bernard.
Well done, both of you.
330
00:18:12,070 --> 00:18:14,430
How happy is the Prime Minister
about his future?
331
00:18:14,430 --> 00:18:17,710
He's as happy as a ratcatcher
on a rubbish dump.
332
00:18:17,710 --> 00:18:19,310
The Prime Minister is as happy
333
00:18:19,310 --> 00:18:22,730
as an environmental health officer
on a civic amenity site.
334
00:18:28,070 --> 00:18:30,510
I hate the BBC!
335
00:18:31,750 --> 00:18:33,710
It's like having two oppositions...
336
00:18:33,710 --> 00:18:36,830
one at Westminster
and the other at Broadcasting House.
337
00:18:36,830 --> 00:18:38,870
(PHONE RINGS)
338
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:40,290
Yes?
339
00:18:40,406 --> 00:18:42,553
Ah, Miss Simpson again.
340
00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:44,720
What kind of leak?
341
00:18:45,886 --> 00:18:47,233
About joining the euro?
342
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:51,070
(No!) No, the Prime Minister
knows nothing about this.
343
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,350
Britain's position on the euro
remains unchanged.
344
00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:55,870
Come on, let's get online!
345
00:18:55,870 --> 00:18:59,010
No, I can't explain the markets.
Who can?
346
00:19:00,070 --> 00:19:02,430
My BlackBerry
doesn't seem to be working.
347
00:19:02,430 --> 00:19:05,230
Mine is. Oh, this is interesting!
348
00:19:05,230 --> 00:19:07,110
"The rumours about joining the euro"
349
00:19:07,110 --> 00:19:09,340
"started after heavy
buying of euros"
350
00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:11,570
"by Golding Brothers
Bank." Funny.
351
00:19:11,570 --> 00:19:14,930
Why? Humphrey has a directorship
lined up there when he retires.
352
00:19:14,930 --> 00:19:17,270
He's out of control!
353
00:19:17,270 --> 00:19:19,070
It might have been somebody else.
354
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:21,790
Who else knew? Even I didn't know.
355
00:19:23,510 --> 00:19:24,850
Shall I get Sir Humphrey?
356
00:19:24,850 --> 00:19:27,510
If there's been
heavy buying of the euro,
357
00:19:27,510 --> 00:19:30,510
that would explain today's
heavy selling of the pound.
358
00:19:30,510 --> 00:19:31,950
I must do something!
359
00:19:40,150 --> 00:19:41,630
I may be able to help.
360
00:19:41,630 --> 00:19:44,270
I've been doing
some research into some of this.
361
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:46,710
We've had that paper
ready for a while. What paper?
362
00:19:46,710 --> 00:19:49,490
Reform of the Civil Service,
root and branch.
363
00:19:49,490 --> 00:19:50,790
What?
364
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:53,390
Bernard, things are about
to change round here.
365
00:19:53,390 --> 00:19:57,710
We started to curb the MPs, now
we must deal with the Civil Service.
366
00:19:57,710 --> 00:20:00,390
Humphrey has tried
to bounce us into Europe
367
00:20:00,390 --> 00:20:02,710
and feather his nest
by briefing that bank.
368
00:20:02,710 --> 00:20:05,110
I have got to get him under control.
369
00:20:05,110 --> 00:20:07,110
He's an over-mighty subject.
370
00:20:07,110 --> 00:20:09,470
Actually,
he's the Queen's subject, not yours.
371
00:20:09,470 --> 00:20:12,190
You're just the Prime Minister...
Yes, I know who I am!
372
00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:16,950
Claire, this latest outrage
by Humphrey is just one more example
373
00:20:16,950 --> 00:20:21,110
of the corruption of those
who think they're above the law.
374
00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:24,710
Ah. Hello, Humphrey.
We were just talking about you.
375
00:20:24,710 --> 00:20:29,870
Prime Minister, the Director-General
of the BBC is here to see you.
376
00:20:29,870 --> 00:20:32,790
It's in your diary, Prime Minister.
What does he want?
377
00:20:32,790 --> 00:20:36,630
More money, I expect.
Isn't that what the BBC always wants?
378
00:20:38,130 --> 00:20:40,110
Well, maybe we could manage it
379
00:20:40,110 --> 00:20:44,630
if we brought in a Civil Service
Reform Bill straightaway.
380
00:20:47,430 --> 00:20:48,750
What?
381
00:20:48,750 --> 00:20:51,670
Reform of the Civil Service,
Humphrey, root and branch.
382
00:20:51,670 --> 00:20:53,630
Well, well, what, what...
383
00:20:53,630 --> 00:20:55,550
What has this got to do with the BBC?
384
00:20:55,550 --> 00:20:58,270
Well, saving money
on the Civil Service
385
00:20:58,270 --> 00:21:01,870
would release more money
for the Beeb. Ah!
386
00:21:01,870 --> 00:21:04,910
Well, I would advise
against a precipitate approach
387
00:21:04,910 --> 00:21:07,910
to the reform of the Civil Service,
Prime Minister, or the BBC,
388
00:21:07,910 --> 00:21:09,910
which is a magnificent organisation.
389
00:21:09,910 --> 00:21:11,830
It is the Rolls-Royce
of broadcasting.
390
00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:16,330
This all needs mature deliberation,
extensive consultation... OK. OK.
391
00:21:16,330 --> 00:21:21,330
So the alternative is, if we could
really save money on the BBC,
392
00:21:21,330 --> 00:21:25,190
then the Civil Service Reform Bill
wouldn't be so urgent.
393
00:21:25,190 --> 00:21:27,050
What do you think?
394
00:21:27,050 --> 00:21:29,710
I know you love the BBC.
395
00:21:30,830 --> 00:21:34,070
I think it would be rather
courageous, Prime Minister.
396
00:21:34,070 --> 00:21:35,550
Would it?
397
00:21:35,550 --> 00:21:37,430
No, actually, it wouldn't!
398
00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:40,030
I'm not falling for that any more.
It would not...
399
00:21:40,030 --> 00:21:44,110
It would not be courageous,
it would merely be controversial.
400
00:21:44,110 --> 00:21:46,330
In fact, it might even
win me some votes,
401
00:21:46,330 --> 00:21:49,390
putting some cash
back into the voters' pockets.
402
00:21:49,390 --> 00:21:52,510
So, we're all agreed.
More cuts for the Beeb
403
00:21:52,510 --> 00:21:55,490
and we put Civil Service reform
on the back burner.
404
00:21:56,970 --> 00:22:00,510
Glad to have
your loyal support, Humphrey.
405
00:22:00,510 --> 00:22:02,030
Show the DG in.
406
00:22:02,030 --> 00:22:03,430
Oh...
407
00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:07,630
Jeremy, do come in.
408
00:22:07,630 --> 00:22:09,550
The Director-General, Prime Minister.
409
00:22:09,550 --> 00:22:11,270
Jeremy! Jim!
410
00:22:11,270 --> 00:22:14,270
Drinkie? I'm on Scotch.
Oh, fine. Thanks.
411
00:22:14,270 --> 00:22:17,790
I'm afraid we're a bit rushed,
but do sit down.
412
00:22:17,790 --> 00:22:19,110
I'm glad you're here.
413
00:22:19,110 --> 00:22:22,150
I'd like to take the opportunity
to talk about that TV programme.
414
00:22:22,150 --> 00:22:23,830
What programme? The
programme you're
415
00:22:23,830 --> 00:22:25,510
running on Sunday,
rubbishing me.
416
00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:29,250
Are we? Oh, yes.
Please, let's not play games.
417
00:22:29,250 --> 00:22:31,430
Look, it's not about
you specifically,
418
00:22:31,430 --> 00:22:34,550
it's part of a broad, measured look
at the state of the nation.
419
00:22:34,550 --> 00:22:36,470
Rubbishing me, in fact.
420
00:22:36,470 --> 00:22:38,630
No, no. Fair. Balanced. Responsible.
421
00:22:38,630 --> 00:22:41,150
Humphrey? Come on.
422
00:22:41,150 --> 00:22:42,710
Er, Jeremy...
423
00:22:44,950 --> 00:22:49,030
Perhaps you're not aware of
the extent of this financial crisis?
424
00:22:49,030 --> 00:22:52,110
Anything that destabilises Britain
at this juncture
425
00:22:52,110 --> 00:22:54,070
would be grossly irresponsible.
426
00:22:54,070 --> 00:22:57,190
Obviously, we don't want to
destabilise Britain, as you put it.
427
00:22:57,190 --> 00:22:59,990
But we're not the government
information service either.
428
00:22:59,990 --> 00:23:02,470
We have a duty to reflect
all shades of opinion.
429
00:23:02,470 --> 00:23:05,590
We're journalists. It's our job
to keep the public fully informed.
430
00:23:05,590 --> 00:23:07,670
Well, why don't you postpone
the programme,
431
00:23:07,670 --> 00:23:09,430
at least until after
the outcome of
432
00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:11,190
the Lancaster House
Summit is clear?
433
00:23:12,470 --> 00:23:15,790
I hope you're not putting
political pressure on the BBC?
434
00:23:15,790 --> 00:23:19,870
Political pressure?
Good heavens, no!
435
00:23:19,870 --> 00:23:21,750
Oh, that would be most improper.
436
00:23:21,750 --> 00:23:24,750
I'm not even political,
just a humble civil servant.
437
00:23:25,990 --> 00:23:30,150
And we truly value
the independence of the BBC.
438
00:23:30,150 --> 00:23:31,550
I'm glad to hear it.
439
00:23:31,550 --> 00:23:34,390
But we can't possibly postpone
at such short notice
440
00:23:34,390 --> 00:23:36,590
and I can't interfere with content.
441
00:23:36,590 --> 00:23:38,350
I'm only the Director-General.
442
00:23:38,350 --> 00:23:40,870
Oh, I see!
443
00:23:40,870 --> 00:23:44,810
Besides, the producers would smell
a rat. And they'd leak it.
444
00:23:44,810 --> 00:23:48,830
Um, just to clarify - a rat can leak,
but you can't leak a rat.
445
00:23:48,830 --> 00:23:51,470
Thank you, Bernard. Most helpful.
446
00:23:53,150 --> 00:23:55,290
So the BBC's smug
and self-satisfied
447
00:23:55,290 --> 00:23:57,430
pundits are going
ahead with their
448
00:23:57,430 --> 00:23:59,230
biased and scurrilous
attack on the
449
00:23:59,230 --> 00:24:01,030
democratically
elected government.
450
00:24:01,030 --> 00:24:03,790
Got that, Bernard? "..Democratically
elected government."
451
00:24:03,790 --> 00:24:06,430
No, our team of professional
journalists are going ahead
452
00:24:06,430 --> 00:24:08,590
with their fair and
balanced review of the
453
00:24:08,590 --> 00:24:10,750
current political situation.
Got THAT, Bernard?
454
00:24:10,750 --> 00:24:14,030
Well, let me, let me
stop you right there,
455
00:24:14,030 --> 00:24:18,390
because Humphrey's just come up
with a really interesting idea.
456
00:24:18,390 --> 00:24:21,270
Haven't you, Humphrey? I? Er...
457
00:24:21,270 --> 00:24:24,670
He says that in
these straitened times,
458
00:24:24,670 --> 00:24:29,550
making even more cuts
in expenditure will be necessary.
459
00:24:29,550 --> 00:24:31,870
Impossible.
We've already cut to the bone.
460
00:24:31,870 --> 00:24:32,490
There's no more we can do.
461
00:24:32,493 --> 00:24:37,070
Humphrey says we could
sell your digital channels,
462
00:24:37,070 --> 00:24:41,270
your websites,
BBC Two, Three, Four...
463
00:24:41,473 --> 00:24:43,630
Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine...
464
00:24:43,973 --> 00:24:45,310
All the radio stations.
465
00:24:45,310 --> 00:24:47,170
Except Radio Four.
466
00:24:48,590 --> 00:24:53,110
BBC Worldwide,
BBC Publications, BBC Symphony...
467
00:24:53,110 --> 00:24:54,950
And the other four orchestras.
468
00:24:54,950 --> 00:25:00,190
And then we could
cut the licence fee by 80%.
469
00:25:01,310 --> 00:25:04,010
That would be such a relief for you.
470
00:25:04,613 --> 00:25:05,870
But Humphrey, you always said...
471
00:25:05,870 --> 00:25:09,190
Yes, no, I am. I'm a great supporter
of the BBC, it's just that...
472
00:25:09,190 --> 00:25:12,653
But you were saying they were
overstretched. Weren't you?
473
00:25:12,833 --> 00:25:15,270
Well... Oh, Jeremy!
474
00:25:17,466 --> 00:25:19,190
Yes, well, in normal circumstances,
475
00:25:19,190 --> 00:25:21,680
naturally, this would be
an entirely different ballgame,
476
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:23,440
but well... well, yes,
477
00:25:23,550 --> 00:25:26,690
if the nation is under
extreme fiscal and monetary pressure
478
00:25:26,690 --> 00:25:29,810
it could become necessary,
inter alia, to consider measures,
479
00:25:29,810 --> 00:25:32,690
which under different economic
conditions would not be desirable.
480
00:25:32,693 --> 00:25:35,290
I couldn't have put it
better myself.
481
00:25:35,290 --> 00:25:41,050
And Humphrey pointed out that
only about 35 to 45 hours a week
482
00:25:41,050 --> 00:25:45,250
on the BBC is original
and distinctive programming.
483
00:25:45,250 --> 00:25:49,050
So you could get all that
onto one channel. Easily.
484
00:25:49,050 --> 00:25:52,050
That's what Humphrey's proposing.
485
00:25:52,253 --> 00:25:54,890
You'd be able to keep
all your quality programmes,
486
00:25:54,890 --> 00:25:57,610
and the World Service of course.
487
00:25:57,610 --> 00:26:00,570
And all your financial problems
would be solved.
488
00:26:00,570 --> 00:26:04,250
It's a monstrous idea!
The BBC is the great bulwark
489
00:26:04,253 --> 00:26:06,370
of civilized values
against a tide of commercialism.
490
00:26:06,370 --> 00:26:08,633
It is a beacon
of world broadcasting.
491
00:26:08,646 --> 00:26:12,530
It's a beacon of repeats, Hollywood
movies, bought-in programmes
492
00:26:12,530 --> 00:26:14,330
and bought-in sporting events.
493
00:26:14,330 --> 00:26:17,470
Most of what you show on the BBC
is no different from what people get
494
00:26:17,470 --> 00:26:20,610
on subscription channels,
commercial channels, Pay-TV...
495
00:26:20,610 --> 00:26:23,690
You can't possibly compare
a great public broadcasting service
496
00:26:23,690 --> 00:26:25,250
with tacky commercial output.
497
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:27,130
You can compare the programmes.
498
00:26:27,130 --> 00:26:30,970
Cookery programmes, make-overs,
quizzes, game shows...
499
00:26:30,970 --> 00:26:32,690
It's cultural vandalism! Why?
500
00:26:32,690 --> 00:26:35,170
Radio Three. Classical music!
501
00:26:35,170 --> 00:26:37,690
Is readily available everywhere.
502
00:26:39,490 --> 00:26:44,610
And you'd be free at last
to focus on quality,
503
00:26:44,610 --> 00:26:47,250
and forget about The Apprentice,
504
00:26:47,250 --> 00:26:49,410
The Weakest Link,
505
00:26:49,410 --> 00:26:51,610
Addicted to Boob Jobs...
506
00:26:53,370 --> 00:26:56,330
Help! My Dog Is As Fat As Me!
507
00:26:57,930 --> 00:27:00,410
And all that junk that so obviously
508
00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:03,290
doesn't need to be paid for
by the taxpayer.
509
00:27:03,290 --> 00:27:05,370
It's quality entertainment.
510
00:27:05,370 --> 00:27:08,370
It's optical chewing gum.
511
00:27:08,370 --> 00:27:11,050
Humphrey! Oh... Jeremy!
512
00:27:12,170 --> 00:27:15,330
You know, I yield to no-one in
my admir... What, what you say...
513
00:27:15,330 --> 00:27:17,610
at the end of the day,
other things being equal...
514
00:27:17,610 --> 00:27:19,850
mutatis mutandis,
in the fullness of time...
515
00:27:19,850 --> 00:27:22,450
The Cabinet would never
back you on this!
516
00:27:22,450 --> 00:27:27,050
Actually, that is the one thing
they would definitely back me on.
517
00:27:27,050 --> 00:27:28,890
When we go on the BBC,
518
00:27:28,890 --> 00:27:33,890
your presenters just jeer
and sneer at all of us.
519
00:27:33,890 --> 00:27:35,810
Posturing opportunists
520
00:27:35,810 --> 00:27:38,770
who've never had to take
responsibility for anything.
521
00:27:38,770 --> 00:27:42,130
Anyway,
we'll study your comments on this
522
00:27:42,130 --> 00:27:45,610
but I think Humphrey's basic idea
is pretty sound.
523
00:27:45,610 --> 00:27:48,290
So I'll wait to hear from you.
You certainly will.
524
00:27:48,290 --> 00:27:50,310
Oh, incidentally...
525
00:27:51,410 --> 00:27:54,610
Just to change the subject, if...
526
00:27:54,610 --> 00:28:00,930
if I were to give a live interview
in the programme on Sunday,
527
00:28:00,930 --> 00:28:02,330
from Chequers...
528
00:28:02,330 --> 00:28:04,730
Live? Are you quite sure,
Prime Minister?
529
00:28:04,730 --> 00:28:08,170
So they can't edit what I say,
530
00:28:08,170 --> 00:28:12,490
I would feel that the BBC
was at least trying to be fair.
531
00:28:12,490 --> 00:28:15,970
Especially if the interview
was the last item,
532
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:18,650
so I could answer all the points.
533
00:28:18,980 --> 00:28:23,250
I don't see why we can't
manage that. I'll have a word.
534
00:28:23,266 --> 00:28:24,466
Thank you for your time.
535
00:28:24,493 --> 00:28:26,273
Thank you, Prime Minister.
536
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:35,826
He won't cancel the programme,
537
00:28:35,846 --> 00:28:38,813
but they'll give me
the live interview at the end of it.
538
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:42,290
I really do admire your courage,
Prime Minister.
539
00:28:42,290 --> 00:28:43,770
Oh, God!
540
00:28:45,286 --> 00:28:47,280
Have I been courageous?
541
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,130
Prime Minister, you are now
committed to a live interview
542
00:28:53,130 --> 00:28:56,730
on the top political programme
of the week without any idea
543
00:28:56,730 --> 00:29:00,410
of how you're going to explain away
any of the current crises.
544
00:29:00,886 --> 00:29:02,566
What will I say?
545
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:04,733
"Goodbye"?
546
00:29:06,053 --> 00:29:07,800
Are you serious?
547
00:29:07,860 --> 00:29:09,826
Yes, Prime Minister.
548
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:19,000
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