All language subtitles for The.Beach.Bum.2019.BRRip.XviD.AC3-XVID

(man laughs)

(singsongy): See, see, see,
see, see, see, saw.

Meenie, meenie, meenie, meenie,
my, my, my.

(laughs)

♪ Hey, hey ♪

- ♪ Do not ♪
- (cat meowing)

♪ Oh, oh. ♪

- (meowing continues)
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Un gatito albino.

Gatito hermosa.
My little angel pussy.

Nobody? Anybody?

- Yeah. Come on.
- (meows, purrs)

♪ Wrapped around each other ♪

I'll give you something...

♪ Trying so hard to stay warm ♪

♪ That first cold winter
together ♪

♪ Lying in
each other's arms... ♪

MAN:
Moondoggy!

(crowd cheers)

The best part of the city

- of Key West, Florida.
- MAN IN CROWD: Moondog!

♪ Falling in love ♪

♪ So desperately ♪

♪ Honey, I was your hero ♪

♪ You were my leading lady ♪

(whooping)

♪ We had it all ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh! ♪

♪ Just like Bogie and Bacall ♪

(crowd cheering)

It's Moondoggy!

The most prolific poet
in Key West, Florida.

To help me out, I'm gonna throw
a few fresh lines on you,

a little poem
I'm working on right now.

(man whoops)

Last night...

WOMAN:
Come on, Moondog!

MOONDOG:
...when I went to bed in a van,

I was... I was
thinking about you.

I was thinking about you.

And I got up about 4:00 a.m.,

and I had to take a piss,
as guys do,

and I looked down at my dick...

- (crowd laughing)
- (cat meowing)

...and I had such affection
in my heart when I did.

Knowing that it had been

inside you twice today...

(laughter, whistling, whooping)

...made me feel beautiful.

- (cheers and applause)
- MAN: Moondog!

That's what I got.

Have a great night.
Chase the moon.

(blows)

("A Pirate Looks at Forty"
by Jimmy Buffet playing)

♪ Mother, mother ocean ♪

♪ I have heard you call ♪

Hey.

♪ Wanted to sail
upon your waters ♪

(women laughing)

♪ Since I was three feet tall ♪

- ♪ You've seen it all ♪
- (bell ringing)

- Oh! Fish on!
- ♪ You've seen it all ♪

(laughter)

Moondog is gonna go get dinner.

♪ Yes, I am a pirate... ♪

(grunts)

- Moby Dick, ladies.
- Whoo! Moondog!

Gonna need a bigger boat!

(grunting)

- (laughter)
- Yes!

(cheering)

Don't you laugh.

They don't even
make these anymore.

(laughter, indistinct chatter)

♪ Arriving too late ♪

♪ I've done a bit of smuggling ♪

♪ And I've run my share
of grass... ♪

I'm looking for something
a little more earthbound.

Big-breasted, no scars,

- just like you.
- No scars. Natural breasts.

- Just like you. Just like you.
- Natural breasts.

You won't have me
unless I put a ring on it.

♪ Never meant to last ♪

♪ And I've been drunk now
for over two weeks ♪

♪ I passed out and I rallied
and I sprung a few leaks ♪

♪ But I got to stop wishing ♪

- ♪ Got to go fishing ♪
- (Moondog laughing)

♪ I'm down to
rock bottom again ♪

♪ Just a few friends... ♪

Before I accept whatever award
it is they're giving me today,

I just want to start off with
a little bit of poetic foreplay.

I wrote this in the wilds
of Kentucky.

I didn't have peach fuzz
over my pecker at the time.

I was surrounded
by inbreds, rednecks,

juveniles, limp-dicks
and all that times 14.

It's a little poem I wrote
that I always like to read first

because it takes me back

- to such a pure place.
- (crowd whooping, shouting)

- Okay. Check this out.
- MAN: Moondog!

One day, I will swallow up
the world.

(laughs)

And when I do, I hope you all
perish violently.

Thank you. How about another one
for Mr. Jimmy Buffet right here?

- (cheering)
- (whooping)

(howls)

Hey, hey.

♪ I go for younger women ♪

♪ Lived with several a while ♪

♪ Though I ran them away ♪

♪ They'd come back one day... ♪

(laughing)

♪ Still could manage
to smile... ♪

Hey, hey, hey, what's shaking,
little ginger goat?

- WOMAN: I miss you.
- Oh, I miss you, too, sweetie.

Well, it's boring here
without you.

I know, right?
I can only imagine.

Well, I need you back here
in Miami.

I need my husband.

Eh, civilization.

Come on, and I need help
with the wedding.

Wha... I mean, do you really?

Heather and I need you
to come back home.

Ah, you know my home
is down here in the Keys

with all the burnouts, sweetie.

I'm a bottom-feeder.

I got to go low to get high.
You know that.

No, it's here, and we have so
many friends and guests coming.

No, your friends.
No, I don't have any friends.

Yes, you do.

Well, at least they pretend
to be your friends.

You know what?
'Rie just popped over.

LINGERIE:
Moondog, what it do?

Oh, is that the Linger'
one and only?

Man, you already knew it, man.

I just stopped by
to drop off some roses

to your lovely wife, man.

Keep it pushing.
You know what I'm talking about?

But I wish you
could see Heather.

Oh, my goodness.
She's just glowing

- and so happy about the wedding, baby.
- "Glowing"?

Why is she glowing?

It's because she's so in love.

Oh, shit.
You scared me for a minute.

Wait, what does she know
about love, anyway?

She's 16 years old.
She doesn't know what love is.

She's too young to get married.

MINNIE:
She's 22, Moondog.

Ah, 22, whatever.

I mean, besides,
she's marrying such a limp-dick.

Yeah, you're probably right.

- Bye, boo-boo. I love you.
- Bye, Minnie-boo. Linger'.

LINGERIE: Moondog, until
we meet again. Bad moon rising.

(cat purring)

(groaning)

Come here. Love you, love you.

Gatito.

(purring)

♪ You know I need your love ♪

♪ You've got that hold over me ♪

♪ Long as I've got your love ♪

♪ You know that
I'll never leave ♪

(laughter, indistinct chatter)

♪ When I wanted you
to share my life ♪

♪ I had no doubt in my mind ♪

MAN:
Where's my wine?

♪ And it's been you, woman... ♪

(tuba playing)

- (tuba plays discordant note)
- (woman squeals)

(laughter, crowd chattering)

(creaking)

(groans)

- (meows)
- (Moondog laughing)

Hey, hey, hey.

Moondog, buenos días.

(speaking Spanish)

(ship's horn blowing)

(kisses) Poor baby.

I know.

I think it's time to go home.

(snorts)

(speaks Spanish)

♪♪

(laughing)

- MOONDOG: Hey!
- I missed you, my love.

Oh, yeah. One more time, baby.

(laughs)

(Moondog shouts)

Did you miss me?

- (grunting): I got it. I got it.
- Oh, honey.

I got it. I... (grunts)

(kissing)

Oh. Oh, look at you.

No, you've been gone too long.

- Look at you.
- You have to woo me.

Woo, woo, doo, doo,
did you miss me?

(piano playing classical tune)

Good.

I forgot how rich we were.
(chuckles)

Yeah, you did forget, Moondog.

MINNIE:
Mm.

I missed all ten of you.

- Mmm. (slurping)
- Mm.

- Oh, that's so good. Oh, God.
- (Moondog grunting)

You're never gonna write
that new book, honey. Oh!

(muffled): I'm having lunch
with my agent today.

- Oh, God.
- We'll be going over the new book.

- It's not written yet.
- Of course not.

(moaning) - I think this is
gonna be a good one, baby.

(both laugh)

MINNIE: Well, make sure
it doesn't take too long.

I want everything
to go perfectly

for Heather's wedding today.

- I'm so fucking on time.
- Uh-uh.

I'm the last guy
you got to worry about.

- No. Sweetie, seriously.
- Mm. Mm?

You cannot be late. Okay?

Because you just can't.

- Okay.
- I'm not gonna be late, sweetie.

I forgot to tell you
that, uh, I invited

- your mother to the wedding.
- Mm-hmm.

(moans) Oh, and...

and Heather's not wearing
the white dress.

She's gone with the oyster one
with the pearls.

- Oh, sh... Oh.
- (Moondog muttering)

Oh, you can go, Akiko.

- AKIKO: Thank you, ma'am.
- Oh, that's right-right...

Right there, honey.

(moaning, shouting)
Oh, Moondog.

It's so nice of 'Rie to let us
have the wedding at his place.

He's really pulled out
all the stops.

The Lingerie Doggy Dogg.

He got ordained
just for the event.

Dearly beloved...

No, I wouldn't say that shit
like that.

Players and playettes.

Today, we have this man
coming for this woman.

Bitch, now, you know you're
too young to be married, right?

You got a lot
of living to do, baby.

Ain't nobody even made

your little pink tweeter
squirt yet, huh?

You need to settle down
somewhere

and run for
the motherfucking hills.

Shit, I got sidetracked
for a minute.

Fuck!

You know, it breaks
my heart, Moondog.

It breaks my heart 'cause you
a motherfucking has-been, boy.

(laughs) Whatever the fuck
that is. Is that a bad thing?

Goddamn,
it's a bad thing, Moondog.

As you're forever aging,
I feel obliged

to be truthful with you
at all times.

- Hey, you're a shitty agent.
- It's sad, Moondog.

You used to be a motherfucking
ATM for me, boy.

You have pissed away your talent
on women and booze

and total excess.

Now you're talking.
Yeah, all those things,

that's what feeds the juices up
here in my noggin, man.

Through my loins,
up the autobahn.

My spirit and mind, man.

I-I'm... I'm moist right now.
I'm lubricated.

Yeah, but you the fastest horse
in my stable, boy.

You think I want to take
a motherfucking shotgun,

put it in your mouth,
blow your brains

all over my nice
motherfucking clothes?

That's the fucking Lewis
I'm talking about.

You think I want to do that?

You was a revolutionary writer.

You were a radical.

Your words meant
something to people.

Either way, it's a good thing
I'm rich, Lewis.

Especially since I'm well hung.

You ain't rich, Moondog.

Your wife's rich.

That's true.

And it's been a while
since I had you in there,

but you ain't well hung, boy!

- Get in there. Get in there.
- You ain't well hung!

- Get in there. Come on.
- I mean, goddamn. God...

San Francisco standoff, baby?

- (grunting): Oh!
- (laughs)

I read in The Pelican today
Heather's getting married.

It's a big day.

Yeah. This afternoon,
handing her off.

Well, congratulations.

And you know what?
I worked through it.

And I'm not even upset
even a little bit

that I was not included
in the ceremonies.

Oh, you thought
you'd be included?

No, well, I-I... like I said,

I-I'm busy anyway, so like
I said, I'm-I'm not offended.

And-and I just want to be clear,
this doesn't have to do, uh...

Oh, when you walked in on her,
saw that...

- I didn't know she was changing.
- She said you stayed

a little longer
than a few seconds.

- (laughs)
- Well...

I used to mix signals back then.

Hey, man.
- It was a... it-it was a confusing time.

I would misread
things often, and...

Whatever raises your skirt, man.
It never bothered me.

Well, I'm busy regardless,
so I-I could not attend

even if you... (clears throat)
if people had a change of heart.

I-I'm-I'm-I'm...
have other obligations.

- Sweet-ass, man.
- Yeah.

Hey, here's your ball, man.
Let's knock this fucker

back on the fairway and get a good lie.
- Yeah.

♪♪

- MOONDOG: Name is?
- Shardanne.

Now, how does that
say "Shardanne"

all the way up
the middle of your thigh?

You know what my horoscope said?

"Don't play with matches."

You don't have to, 'cause
the fire's already lit, sweetie.

Little veils behind...

And you got a lot of great
things going on all over

- your B-O-D-Y right now.
- Mm.

- SHARDANNE: I got leopard.
- Leopard?

- SHARDANNE: Yeah.
- I've got volcano orange.

(both laugh)

♪♪

(indistinct chatter)

♪ The mountain is high ♪

♪ The valley is low,
and you're confused ♪

SHARDANNE:
I love you. You're so crazy.

♪ On which way to go ♪

- (moaning, screaming)
- ♪ So I've come here ♪

♪ To give you a hand ♪

♪ And lead you into... ♪

Oh, what are you making
back there, a salad?

♪ Come on and take a free ride ♪

- ♪ Free ride ♪
- (squealing, whooping)

♪ Come on and sit here
by my side... ♪

What are you making,
a burger back there?

Ooh! (laughs)

♪ Free ride... ♪

(grunting, squealing)

(bell chiming)

(laughter)

♪ Who do you suppose ♪

♪ I really love... ♪

(camera shutter clicking)

(line ringing)

MOONDOG (over phone):
Hello?

- Moondog. Where are you?
- Hey.

SHARDANNE:
Yeah. Yeah. (moans)

MOONDOG: Oh, hey, hey, baby.
Uh, right around the corner.

Finished up a little yoga class.

A little downward doggystyle.

MINNIE: You are gonna miss
our daughter's wedding.

MOONDOG: No, I wouldn't
miss it for the world.

Uh, look, I'm right around
the corner, honey.

The limp-dick groom
is melting down.

(Moondog laughs)

Okay, well, hurry up, please.

- I love you, baby.
- You're stressing me.

- I'm on my way!
- Okay, because the wedding is starting.

MINNIE:
Lingerie? Let's hit it, baby.

Love between a boy and a girl
can be so wonderful.

Especially when it's a girl
that I've known

ever since she was born.

- CROWD: Aw.
- Heather, you know I love you

and I love your family,
and I'm so happy

to see you get married today.

To him.

And you got to be ready
to take on everything

that she stands for,
and that includes her...

WOMAN:
What are you doing?

- You're going too fast.
- LINGERIE: What the...?

- (Minnie chuckles)
- (trilling) Bye, Mom.

Whoa! No!

- Oh!
- LINGERIE: Damn, Dog!

I'm just kidding, sweetie.
That's not my mom.

You know that. Mm. How are you?

- Good. I...
- Hey, can I borrow that, Linge'?

- Sir, yes, sir.
- All right, see,

everyone knows this
is my daughter.

Me and my Minnie-boo's daughter.

CROWD:
Aw.

And we're gonna be handing away
the bride to be, right now,

- a little family tradition we got before we...
- Hi.

...hand over any daughters
in our family.

We just got to...

- (grunting) Wait.
- ...lightly check the package.

- What are you doing?
- The other side. That's not bad.

Like five inches flaccid.

Ah, Mr. 'Rie, your mic, sir.

Thank you.
Pardon the interruption.

I would like to thank Mr.
Moondog for that presentation.

(laughter)

Today, dearly beloved,
we come together

to give Heather to Mr. Limpy.

You in a world of motherfucking
problems with this family.

They fucked-up.

("Tha Shiznit"
by Snoop Dogg playing)

LINGERIE: Is that the
motherfucking Moondog?

The one and only Palmia,
Lingerie.

LINGERIE:
Moondog, be careful.

This here,
I can't even explain it, man.

This is sort of kind of like
a hallucinogenic.

- Yeah, you see...
- You gonna see all kind of shit, man.

- for 16 weeks?
- Uh-huh.

This is that thing.

Wait, wait, wait.
Be careful, Dog.

You about to go to a place
you never been before.

That shit don't come
with seat belts.

He almost ruined the whole day.

MINNIE:
Don't say that.

No, it was fun.

- He's fucked-up, Mom.
- Ah...

- It's just Moondog.
- Don't make excuses for him.

You just kind of have
to accept that he's...

he's from another dimension.
He really is.

And you have to love him for it.
I do.

You and Limp-Dick are gonna
have to accept that.

(chuckles)

No, but I do think Moondog's
mother coddled him way too much.

I've told her this before.
I mean,

he wore a diaper
until he was eight.

Honestly, I think she put brandy
in his little bottle.

(both laugh)

Man, my nu... ah... my nuts
are throbbing right now.

First time I hit this shit,
nigga went in a coma.

I forgot how
to motherfucking breathe.

- What you see?
- 15 lights and 39 ladies.

(laughs)

What about those cartoons
right there? Can you see 'em?

Are we looking
at the same screen?

Are you sleeping with Lingerie?

Yes, yes.

And he's a wonderful lover.

Does Dad know?

Your father
wouldn't mind, darling.

Your father goes away.
You know, 'Rie is...

(inhales sharply) Whoa.

(chuckles)

Um, I think it was just
'Rie's been there.

I mean, at your third birthday,

it was 'Rie
who brought the pony in.

I remember.

- And he blew out my candles.
- Exactly.

Well, he was stoned.

MOONDOG:
What's happening down here, cap?

Just fuck with me
one time, Dog.

You gonna love this. Slide in
where you ride in, Dog.

What the fuck?
(laughs)

(echoing): Moondog, welcome
to the NASA Command Center

of Mary Jane.

- (wolf-whistles)
- This shit only grows

in an isolated pond in Jamaica.

It sprouts out of
a pink fluorescent moss patch.

Pink fluorescent?

Mm, mm, mm.

This weed here, it's so good,

it could make a motherfucker
yearn for the afterlife.

It could send you to
the outer limits of humanity.

That's the keys and the trees
to my success.

'Cause once a year,
I fly to Jamaica,

They turn their cheek this way,
and we fly off that way.

- Get out.
- Mm-hmm.

(crowd cheering)

(applause)

MOONDOG: You don't remember
this, but the day you were born

and you came out
of your mother's womb,

I was there between your legs,
and your head came out

nice and smooth,
with guts all over it.

And it was a bloody mess,
but it was poetry.

- CROWD: Aw.
- (laughter) - I saw your face,

but I didn't quite see your eyes
until I stuck my pinky finger

in this, like, placenta veil and
peeled it back over your face

and there you were.

And that's when I put my hands
on both sides of your head

and escorted you
into this world.

CROWD:
Aw.

I want to say...

What's your name again?
For real.

- Frank.
- Frank.

- Franky B.
- Now...

I give you my daughter
to put your hands

and take her into
the rest of the world.

- Aw.
- Thank you.

- (cheering, applause)
- Beautiful.

Love you.

(spitting)

(coughing)

(chuckles)

Oh, shit.

(soft music playing)

(cheering in distance)

(exhales)

In the dusk, you see...
you see that woman?

She's singing to us.

Calling us back over the...
vistas of our past

right back to the child
who huddles under the piano.

He's sitting there with the boom
of the tingling strings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
he's got his hand...

he's got his hand on it.

On the foot of his mother.

And she smiles as she sings.

And in spite of myself,
the insidious mastery of song

has betrayed me back once again,

- till the heart of me...
- (cries)

...where I weep to belong.

Oh.

That is the most brilliant shit
I've ever heard.

You wrote that?

- Yeah, I did.
- That is some wild shit, Dog.

Glad you like it, man. I wrote
that in my younger years.

Whew.

(Lingerie whimpers)

Actually, a guy named
D.H. Lawrence wrote it,

all right, but I stole it
and plagiarized it

in my seventh grade
poetry contest, and guess what.

I won that motherfucker.
(laughs)

- Moondog, you my motherfucker.
- Hey, hey.

Family and friends,

thank you for coming and sharing
this perfect day with us.

This day has been
off the hook, am I right?

(crowd cheering)

And, Heather, you're my angel.

- Thanks.
- (crowd cheering)

("Just Like Heaven"
by the Cure plays)

Where have you been?

Waiting for you.

Have you seen Moondog, darling?

No, I haven't,
but what I do know is

when I don't see him,
and I see you,

that means there's
more time for us.

♪ Show me, show me, show me
how you do that trick ♪

♪ The one that makes me scream,
she said ♪

♪ The one that makes me
laugh, she said ♪

♪ Threw her arms
around my neck ♪

♪ Show me how you do it ♪

♪ And I'll promise you ♪

♪ I'll promise
that I'll run away with you ♪

♪ I'll run away with you... ♪

Wow.

- (indistinct chatter)
- (song fades)

♪ Searching for my lost
shaker of salt ♪

MAN:
You need some help, man?

♪ Some people claim ♪

WOMAN:
Sir, are you okay?

♪ That there's a woman
to blame ♪

♪ But I know ♪

♪ It's nobody's fault ♪

♪ Don't know the reason ♪

(exhales sharply)

♪ Stayed here all season ♪

♪ Nothing to show
but this brand-new tattoo ♪

♪ But it's a real beauty ♪

♪ A Mexican cutie ♪

♪ How it got here
I haven't a clue ♪

♪ Wastin' away again
in Margaritaville ♪

♪ Searching for my lost
shaker of salt ♪

♪ Some people claim
that there's ♪

♪ A woman to blame ♪

♪ Now I think ♪

♪ Hell, it could be
my fault... ♪

♪ The only two things in life ♪

♪ That make it worth living ♪

(laughing)

♪ Is guitars that tune good
and firm-feeling women ♪

♪ I don't need my name
in the marquee lights ♪

♪ I got my song ♪

♪ And I got you
with me tonight ♪

♪ Maybe it's time we got back ♪

♪ To the basics of love ♪

♪ Let's go to
Luckenbach, Texas ♪

♪ With Waylon and Willie
and the boys ♪

♪ This successful life
we're living ♪

♪ Got us feuding like
the Hatfields and McCoys... ♪

You know, I-I knew...

I knew Minnie
was fucking Lingerie.

You know how sometimes
you just... you just know?

You know,
one always knows, right?

They don't even have
an explanation.

They just know.

Like you two...
you probably just know, right?

Huh? Mwah.

Tricks of the trade
you got going on?

MINNIE:
Moondog.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Minnie-Minnie-boo-boo.

Minnie-Minnie-boo.

I knew I'd find you here,
darling.

- You're fucking stunning.
- (laughs)

God was having
a good fucking day

when he made the Minnie-boo,
huh, didn't he?

I think it's their anniversary,
and if it's not, it ought to be.

Oh, happy anniversary.

Sweetie, don't be insincere
with strangers.

It doesn't look good on you.

- Let's go driving!
- You want to go driving?

- Let's go.
- Let me grab my beer.

- Happy anniversary, yo.
- (laughing)

♪ I remember when
I was a little girl ♪

♪ Our house caught on fire ♪

♪ I'll never forget the look
on my father's face ♪

♪ As he gathered me up
in his arms and raced ♪

♪ Through the burning building
out on the pavement ♪

♪ And I stood there
shivering in my pajamas ♪

♪ And watched the whole world
go up in flames ♪

♪ And when it was all over
I said to myself ♪

♪ Is that all there is
to a fire? ♪

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

♪ If that's all there is,
my friends ♪

♪ Then let's keep dancing ♪

♪ Let's break out the booze ♪

♪ And have a ball ♪

♪ If that's all ♪

♪ There is ♪

♪ And then I fell in love ♪

♪ With the most wonderful boy
in the world ♪

♪ We'd take long walks
down by the river ♪

♪ Or just sit for hours gazing
into each other's eyes ♪

♪ We were so very much in love ♪

♪ And then one day
he went away ♪

♪ And I thought I'd die ♪

♪ But I didn't ♪

♪ And when I didn't,
I said to myself ♪

♪ Is that all
there is to love? ♪

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

♪ If that's all there is,
my friends ♪

♪ Then let's keep ♪

♪ I know what you must be saying
to yourselves ♪

♪ If that's the way
she feels about it ♪

♪ Why doesn't she just
end it all? ♪

♪ Oh, no, not me ♪

♪ I'm not ready for that
final disappointment ♪

♪ 'Cause I know ♪

♪ Just as well as I'm
standing here talking to you ♪

♪ That when that
final moment comes ♪

♪ And I'm breathing
my last breath ♪

♪ I'll be saying to myself ♪

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

♪ If that's all there is ♪

♪ My friends ♪

♪ Then let's keep dancing ♪

♪ Let's break out the booze ♪

♪ And have a ball ♪

- ♪ If that's all ♪
- (laughter)

♪ There ♪

♪ Is. ♪

- (siren wailing)
- (indistinct radio chatter)

Where's Minnie?

(machines beeping)

Watch it.

- Got it?
- Yep.

Airbag deployed.
Possible chest trauma.

Jesse, pull her in place,
please.

Trauma Two's been prepped.

MAN:
Hold door.

Trauma Two.

Watch yourselves.
Coming through.

WOMAN:
Pull her in place, please.

♪♪

(sniffs, sighs)

(machines beeping)

- Hey.
- MINNIE (weakly): Hey. Hey.

(chuckles, coughs)

Stay there.

- Aw.
- (grunts)

Mmm, boop, boop, boop, mmm.

(Moondog humming a tune)

What do you want to do?

- I...
- What do you want to do?

- You're such a fuckup.
- (chuckles softly)

(coughs)

(machines beep rapidly)

(heart monitor flatlining)

Mm...

(whispering):
Aw, Minnie-boo.

(quiet chatter)

MAN: And through Almighty God,
we commend the soul

of our departed sister,

and we commit her body
to the ground.

Earth to earth. Ashes to ashes.

Dust to dust.

Minnie was a fine woman,
and we, her family and friends,

are blessed to have known her.

In the fullness of time,

and with the help
of the good Lord,

we shall all be with her again.

Until that time,

may the blessings
of God Almighty, the Father...

♪♪

How you doing, honey?

- I'm okay.
- Mm.

I'm okay. How are you?

"When I was born,
I was happy.

I was born on the ocean
in a gigantic boat."

Big fuckin' boat.

"My parents were fishermen.

"Both were great
long-distance runners.

"I was read to as a child,

"mostly books about
survival and contortion.

"I drank off the teats
of caribou.

"Scrumptious. Tasted like
jasmine and cupcakes.

- 'Cause I remember..."
- Fuckin' good, Moondog.

"I lived through several wars.

"They were never fun.

"Why? 'Cause I was shot at.

"But I fuckin' returned fire.

"I wrote letters to loved ones.

- "I memorized winter haiku.
- (laughing)

"I played games with myself.

"Counted the lily pads.
Stared in the mirror.

I did what I had to do...
to keep going."

- Damn, I was good, man.
- "I made sandwiches.

"I played the dance.
It was hot.

"It was dry.
It was raining, it was not.

I was fluent in all things
dealing with nature."

That's great poetry.

(laughing)

(typing)

(singing indistinctly)

Dot, dot, dot, dot.

MOONDOG: Come on,
what's "nothing" mean, huh?

Nothing.
That's what it means.

Not a single cent until...

Till what?

You got to publish your novel,
or you get nothing.

Uh...

Minnie always had a feeling
she was gonna die before you.

She used to call me up
in a panic.

Someone did her tarot cards.

Predicted it all.
Freaked her out.

But she was right, I guess.

Her will is very precise.

Minnie had a will.

Motherfucker, that's weird.

Yes, she did.

She was concerned that if
anything ever happened to her,

you'd piss away
her family's fortune.

And she wanted you to finally
publish your novel.

- Poems.
- Whatever.

I write poetry,
you little bitch.

Until then, half of everything
goes to Heather.

And the other half of yours
sits frozen in escrow

for a bit of time

until you fulfill
the requirements stated here.

Ah, it's about time
you guys got here.

I'm gonna need some help
carrying my luggage.

If you're coming in,
kick off your shoes.

LAWYER: Effective immediately,
you can go back to your home

and get your typewriter
and some crappy underwear,

but that's it.

You're now persona non grata.

Minnie owned everything.
Everything was in her name.

You're now, basically, a bum.

She owned the cars,
the clothes,

the houses,
country club memberships,

cats and dogs.

She did not own all the cats.

Minnie loved you very much.

She just hated seeing you
throw it all away.

(shouting):
Thank you, Minnie-boo!

Fuck you as well.

I mean, to be fair,
there's a lot

of bad guys out there, right?

You guys are with me
in my wife's closet.

(snickers)

(laughing)

This is what you went
to the academy,

though, for, right,
shit like this?

Look after guys like me
at times like this.

You never know
when you're gonna catch

a fully dressed man unarmed.

I'm gonna wear
my Minnie-boo's Uggs.

(sniffing)

Wear them in her memory.

She had abnormally large feet.

Great fuckin' style.

See those books?

I wrote those.

You're probably not
big readers, are you?

That's cool.
There's no pressure.

Alvarez,
I wrote that one for you.

José!

Listen, I'm gonna take
a little leave of absence.

But I left you a little bushel
of the sticky-icky

that you like, huh.

I can't tell you where it is,

'cause these guys might go
and try and smoke it,

but it's the same place
as last time.

Keep the pool hot.

I put it at 120 for you.

That's what I'm talking about.

Keep it there, baby,
and add the chlorine,

'cause I may have a gangbang
when I get back.

I will invite your mother.

- Thank you, Mr. Moondog.
- Wish me luck.

I'm off to write the next
great American novel.

Will do.
Thank you, sir.

HEATHER:
Mom did this for a reason.

I-I'm not gonna
let you stay here.

- Okay.
- Dad, sorry.

How about just loaning me
a little bit?

Just a little bit
of spending cash

so I can get by
for a week or two.

Dad, I just...
I'll be here for you,

but just don't come back
till you're ready.

Honey, I'm not asking
for the world here.

I'm just asking for
a wee bit of compassion

for your father.

I know, but when's it gonna end?

You're gonna keep coming back
and asking me

for more and more and more.

Dad, I love you,
but I can't do that.

- Okay.
- I just can't. I...

Just come back
when you're ready, but I...

Okay, I understand.

- I'm sorry.
- I understand.

Don't apologize, sweetie.

You'll see.

I'll be back,
better than ever.

Back so good you're gonna see
that I was never gone

in the first place.

I love you, Dad.
I'm sorry.

I love you.

I still don't understand
how you married

this milk-drinking closet case.

- I mean, look at him.
- Closet case?

He's got no magic,
he's got no style.

He's dressed up
like a JV cheerleader.

I had high hopes for you,
Heather.

High fuckin' hopes.

Fuck off!
Get out of here,

you fuckin'... turd!

It's okay.

Sorry, he just makes me crazy.

He may be a jerk,
but he's a great man.

He's brilliant.

I mean, you'll never be
great or brilliant.

You're dependable.

Oh, thanks.

(indistinct shouting, laughter)

(indistinct singing)

♪ Two times twice. ♪

Like that, I like that,
I like that.

MOONDOG: Look, Lewis,
I'm a bit destitute, man.

Float me enough cash
to get back down to the Keys

so I can buy the fun goodies
that make me

smile and laugh all day.

Is that so much to ask?

LEWIS:
I can't do it for you, Big Papa.

I can't, because you know what?

I've been waiting for ages,
and I ain't

- getting no pages, sweet tooth.
- Mm-hmm.

I can't do it.

MOONDOG: That's a good...
that's a good point.

Yeah, it is a good point.

That's why I made it,
you dumb fuck.

I'm not asking you to part
the fuckin' Red Sea for me.

I'm asking you for enough loot
to set me up

for a few weeks here
so I can have my daily goodies.

Little booze, little weed,
a little poontang.

That's not asking too much.

And since you're saying
you won't,

then do your fuckin' job
and just get me a gig, you know?

Fuck, I'll speak anywhere.

Get me set up at a church,
a public library,

a retirement home, Mapco!

And they can pump their gas,
and they hear me

through the little speaker
up there.

The little aluminum thing.
I don't give a fuck.

Oh, my God.

Call my motherfuckin'
chiropractor.

My back is gonna be
fucked up tomorrow.

- (slams phone down)
- I can...

I'm not even sure
what he's, like...

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Is friendship about
"I need something from you"?

Do you understand
what I'm talking about, Bertie?

- (bong bubbling)
- Civility.

(laughs):
Yes.

It makes complete sense, man.

I have real clients
up for literary awards.

I'm sending faxes at my office.

Hello?

Motherfucker hung up on me.
Oh, my God.

(mutters indistinctly)

What's going on, guys?

Hey, is, uh, Linger' in?

Nah.

- Lingerie's not in?
- No.

- Where is he?
- Jamaica.

Ah, the Magical Stoner.

I get your drift, man.

Your silence is code with me.

So, what's with the guns?

Huh?

You guys ever watch
Magnum, P.I.?

It's based on my life.

I watch it all the time.

It's like looking
in the fucking mirror.

All right, catch you later.

Mm.

Hey, let him know
Moondog came by, huh?

♪♪

MOONDOG: "The wind, the rain,
the star, the bird,

"the clock will answer you:

"'Get drunk, good man.

- "'Do not be martyred slaves of Time.
- (laughter, muttering)

Get drunk and stay drunk!'"

Is that poetry?

Of course it's poetry,
you toothless, illiterate chump.

- It's Baudelaire.
- Here's a poem.

- Come on.
- It goes...

(shrieking, barking)

(laughter)

Not bad, Phil.
Not bad at all.

Hey, who wants to go
on a field trip?

(singing, chanting
indistinctly)

♪♪

(shushing)

(playing random notes on flute)

(beeping, gate unlocks)

(all cheering)

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(laughs)

This your car here?

HEATHER: Why did you destroy
your own house?

MOONDOG:
Eh, I don't...

Boredom, I guess? I don't know.

Dad, what is wrong with you?

I'm fine. I'm really
better than fine.

It's just, this is another
little adventure we're on.

When'd you become
such a Republican?

- Republican?
- Or whatever.

Oh, my God.

You know,
just getting my groove on.

- Having a little fun.
- Your groove?

- Yeah.
- What groove?

Honey, honey, honey, whoa, whoa.

When's the last time
you laughed, honey?

Phil, Phil, Phil, do the thing.

See if you can make
my baby laugh.

Hi, Heather.

I am Toothless Phil.

I am a good friend
of your daddy.

We want you to be happy.

We love you
just the way you are.

- (laughs)
- Who's your daddy?

Moondog's your daddy.
He loves you.

Mm-hmm.

Back again, huh?

Your choice: prison or rehab.

Is there a third option?

- Nope. Last chance.
- (laughter, muttering)

Rehab it is.
Preferably somewhere tropical.

JUDGE: I'm remanding you into
the custody of your daughter.

She will escort you to a rehab facility now.
- Great.

You'll need to spend
a mandatory 12 months there

getting your life
back together, Moondog.

- 12 days is not a problem.
- 12 months.

(people laughing, muttering)

- Okay.
- MAN: 12 months?

It all stops now...
the foolishness.

I understand. I need a change
of pace. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if you mess this up,
it's jail time you're getting.

If-if I may suggest, Your Honor.

- MAN: Tell her, Moondog!
- I was told

of this amazing rehab facility
in the Virgin Islands.

It's got an open bar

- and 24-hour Thai massage.
- (laughter)

A little jerky-jerk to take

the edge off
during the detox period.

Drain the old jizz pipe
with the antitoxins.

- Excuse me?
- All due respect

to my own personal fluid
transition into my sobriety.

I want to let you know
that the therapeutic value

of a groin massage

during the acute withdrawal
phase is off the charts

- fucking medicinal.
- It's not gonna happen.

MAN:
Take it easy, Judge!

- It's not gonna happen.
- Why you got to be like that?

You know, I was... I was a real
fan of your writing, Moondog.

- Yeah?
- (cheering)

- (laughter)
- Shut up.

But, you know,
it amazes me how someone

that can write so beautifully
can be so crude and reckless.

Don't you be acting like you
knew where the rooster crow.

Don't let us down, Moondog.

We're rooting for you. Next.

Get him out of here.

MOONDOG:
Heather, my dear,

would you be so kind
as to pull over

and get your old man
one final beer?

Sure, Dad.

Yeah. Give me a, uh,
Lucky Lotto Triple 7

and a... and a cigar, would you?

Sure.

You don't sell acid, do you?

No.

That's too bad, man.

This place used to.

Did your mother love me?

Yes, Dad.

She said that?

Of course.

She think I was brilliant?

She thought you were a genius.

She said that?
(laughs softly)

That's why she stayed with you
all those years.

And that's why
you've always been able

to get away
with everything, Dad.

(Heather chuckles)

Oh, Minnie-boo.

She had an incredible ass.

Could fellate like a python.

Fuck, she could
fellate a python if she...

I'm gonna miss her.

(giggles)

Let's go to rehab.

Mm. I'll try
and do better, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

You can do this.

Mm. Okay. All right, Sunrise.

Let's get this party started.

It really wasn't up to me.

You should've heard
the judge, man.

She-she swung a hard gavel.

She was a fan of mine, too.

Which is kind of weird, but...

I mean, I wouldn't have
come down here like, you know,

if I didn't have a little bit
of a nudge, you know?

Well, this lady's very happy
that you're here.

We have your entire year
planned out.

So when you leave us,
you'll be a changed person.

(laughs)

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things
I cannot change

and the courage to change
the things I can

and the wisdom
to tell the difference.

(laughs)

(laughter)

Hey, you guys are funny.

Oh, that's such bullshit.

- (laughter)
- No.

Oh, you fucking talk
to yourself.

What's up, everybody?
Uh, my name is Jason Kravitz.

- ALL: Hi, Jason.
- Uh, third time here.

What? Who's repeating?
Who's repeating?

Ah, you are.

Yeah, uh, first time I was here,
I was... I was drinking a lot.

So I decided to make...
make myself a better person.

I decided to come here.

Uh, when I got out,
I was good for about six months.

(fading): And my friends
were like, "Dude,

you don't have to... you don't
have to drink to have fun."

I said, "That's right.

We could do weed
or cocaine or heroin."

And we did 'em all.

My dad's a preacher. He's the
one that fucking put me in here.

- Why?
- 'Cause he caught me huffing paint a few times.

Also, I was breaking
into people's houses

- and just burning shit.
- (laughs)

Like, nothing real bad.

I love lighting shit on fire.

- Yeah. Eh.
- Nobody was home.

We didn't find out
the kids were upstairs

until later,
and if I wasn't there,

they would've fucking burned
to death. I got 'em out.

- From the second floor?
- Yeah. Well...

I just went up the stairs. Yeah.
- Oh, cool.

♪ Can you take me higher? ♪

MOONDOG:
What kind of music is this?

This is Christian
fucking metal, man!

- You like it?
- I do!

Yeah, this band
is from Albuquerque.

The lead singer fucking
blew himself up on accident.

- On accident?
- Yeah.

- Nice.
- Fucking gone, dude.

He just disappeared.

- Fucking weird.
- How do you know these guys, man?

'Cause I was in a cover band,
and goddamn,

we used to fucking...
(trilling)

Th-This is good shit.

You ever think about
getting out of here?

Out there is the real world.

In here is the fake world.

All right?

Out there is beautiful.

Things really happen.
The seasons change.

Babies are born.

Old men wither away and die
in the fucking sands of time.

Eloquently put, Flicker.

The choice is yours.

Sell me no more, man.

- Let's blow this fucking joint.
- Yeah.

- (typewriting jingling)
- Oh, shit!

- You broke the window!
- (alarm ringing)

Yes, you! You broke every...
now we're gone!

Man, zoom overdrive!
Fucking pump this shit, bro! Go!

- Look at that!
- Fuck you!

- (laughs)
- (whoops)

Yeah, baby, let's go!

- Hey!
- Fucking freedom!

Like, can you feel it, brother?

Love is in the air.

See, things happen
in the real world.

- Yeah, man.
- Look, we're at a wedding,

- and, like, oh, my God.
- Uh-huh.

- Look at that boat.
- Oh, I got your 20.

MAN:
There you go. Perfect.

- Oh, beautiful couple.
- Okay, one more.

- Congratulations!
- (woman gasps)

WOMAN:
Oh, my God!

- Get, get, get, get, get...
- MAN: Get back here, asshole!

Uh, have a great honeymoon!

You do look fucking fine.

(both whooping)

Shit. She is fucking hot.

(whooping)

♪ Yesterday, I got so old ♪

♪ I felt like I could die ♪

♪ It made me want to... ♪

'Cause we're free, man.
You drove that golf cart

with the wings of God
behind you.

MOONDOG: Let's get up to a
little fucking devil's business

- before we get saved, huh?
- Ooh.

You know the best part about the devil?
- Huh?

Fucking he finds the fun,
and then we take Jesus

and we just ride him
all the way to the top.

'Cause the best part is we can
do whatever the fuck we want.

Jesus already paid
for all our sins.

- Hey, Moondog.
- As many as I give...

Hey, fuck you, pal.

- (laughs)
- Moondog!

Hey, do that flick thing you do.

- (whooshing)
- Wah...

Boom!

(grunts)
Yeah, do it again, do it again.

- (shouts)
- Fuck!

- ♪ Waited so long... ♪
- WOMAN: I love you, Moondog!

MOONDOG:
Dude, you know what we need?

What? What do we need?

We need money, man.

Fucking money.

Goddamn it,
you're a fucking genius.

I know where we can
get some money.

- Where?
- Just follow me, my friend.

Cool.

♪ I got two tickets
to paradise ♪

♪ Won't you pack your bags,
we'll leave tonight ♪

♪ I've got two tickets
to paradise... ♪

FLICKER (whispering):
Yo, Moondog, Moondog.

Just hold this, hold this.

Okay, watch.

Watch this. Hiya!

- (shouts)
- (screeching)

All right. I'm so sorry, man.

You're gonna be fine.
We just need this money.

MOONDOG: Don't have to take part
of this derelict behavior, man.

Derelict behavior?
What are you talking about?

- Come on, come on, come on.
- Hey, Christ already paid

- for all our fucking sins, man.
- Come on, man.

- Come on, let's go.
- Boom!

- (laughs) Wait, hold on.
- Oh...

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Fuck.

No, that was for him
when he wakes up, dude.

- Fuck that. This ain't church, man.
- MAN: Oh, what the fuck?

FLICKER: Oh, fucking A, man.
You know the best part

- about God, man?
- MAN: Hey, assholes!

FLICKER: Christ was even
a sinner, so we clean, man!

- MAN: That's my money!
- We're good to go!

- (rooster clucking)
- (women moaning)

- WOMEN: Yeah!
- (humming a tune)

♪ Down in Jamaica ♪

♪ They got lots
of pretty women ♪

♪ Steal your money ♪

- ♪ Then they break your heart ♪
- (grunting, laughing)

♪ She's in love with old Sam ♪

♪ Take him from the fire
into the frying pan ♪

♪ On and on ♪

♪ She just keeps on trying ♪

♪ And she smiles
when she feels like crying ♪

♪ On and on,
on and on, on and on... ♪

Oh, my God,
you are so beautiful.

I love you.

(deep voice):
Love you.

♪ Alone in the moonlight... ♪

Mm.

MOONDOG:
"O setting sun,

"though the time has come,
I warble under you

"while no one else does.

Unmitigated adoration."

(laughs)

Hey, that was fucking beautiful.

I know, right? There she is,
shining on you, man.

- I'm out of here, Flick.
- No, I mean you.

- I mean you.
- We're all the same.

Give me a hug, man.

- I'm out of here.
- Yeah, you leaving?

- Setting sail, brother.
- Yeah, I know.

Hey, that was the most fun
I had in a long time.

- Mm. Fuck yeah.
- For real, though.

For real, though.
You got God on your shoulder.

No, man.

Ain't that far down
if we don't look, right?

(exhales)

- Hey, just promise me one thing.
- Mm-hmm.

Remember me.

Every time you think of my face,
you remember this.

This shines bright.

Fucking real bright.

- You got it, tiger.
- Go spread that light.

(Moondog makes whooshing sound)

Shine big, brother.

("Sundown"
by Gordon Lightfoot playing)

♪ I can see her lying back
in her satin dress ♪

♪ In a room where you do
what you don't confess ♪

♪ Sundown,
you better take care ♪

♪ If I find you been creeping
round my back stairs ♪

(quiet chatter, laughter)

♪ She's been looking like
a queen in a sailor's dream ♪

♪ And she don't always say ♪

- ♪ What she really means ♪
- (thunder rumbling)

- ♪ Sometimes I think ♪
- (humming)

♪ It's a shame ♪

♪ Sometimes I think
it's a shame ♪

(can crumbles)

(tosses can to ground)

♪ I can picture every move
that a man could make... ♪

(Moondog laughs)

MAN:
Hey. Asshole.

(chuckling, muttering)

♪ Sundown,
you better take care ♪

♪ If I find you been creeping
round my back stairs ♪

♪ Sometimes I think it's a sin ♪

♪ When I feel like I'm winning
when I'm losing again. ♪

(humming)

Go ahead.

Guess who's back.

- Hey.
- (laughs)

- Place is good, man.
- What's up, man?

- Oh, it's pretty lunar these days, man.
- Good to see you.

Got to tell you, Moondog,
business is so good,

- I bought a second boat.
- Yeah?

Yeah. Named it Success.

I just take tours
to the outer key.

When they see a dolphin,
I act all fucking stoked, right?

"Oh, it's a dolphin!

Look at the baby dolphin! Look!"
- (laughs)

Tell them to dive in.
Make sure they don't drown.

Only had four deaths
on my watch.

Only four?

Four deaths in over
eight straight years

of dolphin touring
is a terrific record.

Now, I've been stripped
of my license temporarily

on five separate occasions,

but each time, I get it
reinstated due to a technicality

- I never quite understood.
- (laughs)

It's beyond luck or karma, man.
I'm blessed up, bro.

- Meant to be.
- Yeah.

I'm cemented in this industry.

They fucks with ole Captain Wack
around these parts.

(inhales sharply)
Don't fuck with Captain Wack.

You will get whacked
fucking with Captain Wack.

- (laughs)
- What-what is this?

(both laughing)

Dolphins, man. I love some
fucking dolphins, man.

The sounds that come out
of their mouths.

- They trying to communicate with you.
- Mm-hmm.

All you got to do
is talk back to 'em.

I fell in love with dolphins

ever since I saw
the, uh, show Flipper.

Blew me away.
(imitates dolphin)

How they make that noise.

(both imitating dolphins)

I'm telling you, I wouldn't
be able to live like this

if I wasn't fucking
doing dolphin tours, man.

I wouldn't have all this.

This is all from dolphin tours.

(both laugh)

Oh, oh, I got something.

- Get your ass. Goddamn.
- Oh!

Oh, we gonna fry
this motherfucker up.

Yes.

Make sure to get
your taste buds ready.

Yeah, this is almost done.

Look here, Moondog,
you come work for me, man.

It'll be great.

Dolphins are great.

Way they go up and down
in the water like a porpoise.

You'll love that shit, man.

- That sounds cool, Wack.
- Yeah.

I'm in, man.

- Aah!
- What the fuck!

- Fucking...
- Man, that shit's loaded.

- No shit.
- Man, you could've killed a dolphin, Moondog.

(laughing) - You want to shoot
something, shoot this shit here.

This is what I used in 'Nam.

- Shit, man.
- PARROT: Cocaine.

Now I got to feed
my coke-addicted parrot.

- Yeah, yeah, set him up.
- PARROT: Cocaine.

Give him some of this shit
right here.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, there you go.

She gonna get high as shit.

- PARROT: (squawks) Coca.
- But seriously, Moondog,

I could use a partner.

And I got a good sense
about you, man.

- Like I say, I'm in, man.
- Yeah, man.

Yeah. We'll become
millionaires together, man.

- Ah, shit, man, let's do it.
- Look at...

look how far I've come so far.

- I like your style, Wack.
- (laughs)

- Look at that, look at that.
- Look at that.

- See the juices dripping off that?
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, man, that's gonna be good.
- That's gonna be real good, man.

I like your swagger, Captain.

Thanks, Moondog.

Got nicked in 'Nam.

- Makes me walk like a pimp.
- Mm.

Some shrapnel
partially shredded my nut sack,

but everything still works.
Still banging.

- Yeah, you are. (laughs)
- Ba-ba-ba-ba.

Well, usually, when people call

and say they're coming
for the dolphin tour,

- they come and they pay cash.
- Yeah. Right. Right.

- My bread and butter, baby. My bread and butter.
- Yeah...

- So you can tell in the tone of their voice, man...
- Right.

- ...if they're, like, serious or not.
- Exactly.

If they really love the dolphins

and if they really want
to see the dolphin.

- You hear it in their voice.
- Right.

- You see?
- Mm-hmm.

That's right.

- Come on over.
- (indistinct chatter)

Yes! Hi!

Welcome. Lots of dolphins
for you today. Yes.

Act real stoked.
Act real stoked.

- Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey, hey!

Ahoy there, matey.

- Welcome aboard.
- Welcome.

- What's your name, little lady?
- Lefty Lipschitz.

I knew it. Hello, Ms. Lipschitz.
- Hi.

- Hunter. Mike.
- Mike. Hello. Yes.

Dr. Lipschitz. Call me Ted.

- All the Schitzes.
- LEFTY: One, two, three.

♪ We are the Lipschitzes ♪

♪ That is our name. ♪

CAPTAIN WACK:
Listen up, everybody.

All right, we're in the middle
of mating season.

If you see some humping,
don't look away.

It's cool-looking.

It's nature in all its glory.
Dolphins love to bone.

Oh, my God.
- MOONDOG: Hey, you listen up, kids. Huh?

Greatest dolphin guy
in the history of dolphin guys

is sharing wisdom with you.

- Thanks, Moondog.
- That's a fact.

Now, what he failed to mention
is that these dolphins

got what's called
a-a corkscrew pecker.

All right?

A little, whippy, windy,
wranky kind of thing.

CAPTAIN WACK: It's true, kids.
It's sort of like a corkscrew.

MOONDOG:
So keep a lookout.

And it's orgy season,

so hopefully we'll
get to see something,

- some real wild stuff.
- Everybody's fucking.

They're really horny
this time of season.

So watch your back, Carnello.

Some of them prefer redheads.

- Is this thing safe?
- Very safe.

I wouldn't have you on here
if it wasn't safe.

Family, I just got to tell you,
I love dolphins so much.

After the day,
you're gonna love dolphins

as much as I love dolphins.

They don't hurt you.
They just want to love you.

MOONDOG:
Dolphins know this man.

They come from all over the
world to come see Captain Wack.

And they're coming
to see me today.

And you guys get to be
on his boat today.

CAPTAIN WACK:
All right, all right, all right.

I see a few out there.

We in business.
Who wants to dive in?

- No, we're good.
- No, we're good, we're good.

It's prime mating season.
Seaweed is an aphrodisiac.

Wonderful.
- I think they're getting cold feet, Wack.

All right, last chance. Any takers?
- It's all yours.

Y'all a bunch of pussies.

MOONDOG: Show them
how it's done, Captain.

We're just here
for a little tour.

Dolphins, here I come, baby.

(grunts) Yeah.

Get in! This water is beautiful.

MOTHER:
Look at the dolphin.

Honey, look at the dolphin.
Isn't that cute?

Lots of dolphins, motherfuckers!

- Does that look right?
- CAPTAIN WACK: Get in!

- The water's perfect.
- All good, Wack?

- You good?
- It's great!

Dolphins, here I come!

Honey, honey, honey.

That doesn't look
like a dolphin fin.

Captain, that kind... that
kind of looks like a shark fin.

This must be all part
of the show.

I'm having a great time!
It's perfect!

- Mr. Wack, come back!
- Mr. Wack? Mr. Wack!

- (laughs)
- MOTHER: Come back, Mr. Wack.

- What the... what the fuck?!
- Come back!

Help! Aah!

MOONDOG:
Motherfucker, Captain.

You put on a fucking show, man.

This ain't
no motherfucking show!

Aah!

BOY:
Whoa! That's cool-looking.

When's the last time
he clipped his toenails?

- Seriously, that's gnarly, man.
- (Captain Wack groaning)

CAPTAIN WACK:
Oh, shit! Holy shit!

Oh, Lord!
- It's just a flesh wound. Don't worry.

That dolphin got teeth!

Oh, shit! Where's my foot?

MOTHER:
Okay, just hold my hand.

Fuck, Wack.
He got you pretty good, man.

Oh, man. Couldn't have been
a fucking dolphin.

Can't believe this shit, man.

I'm-I'm-I'm pretty sure it
wasn't a dolphin that bit you,

'cause look at your foot.

Listen, you're gonna be
all right.

You're gonna be just fine.

I mean, it's just
a little flesh wound.

You're gonna be up dancing
in no time.

You going somewhere,
motherfucker?

Yeah. I am.

(laughs)

Trade you, though.

Foot for the hat? Huh?

- Come on. Huh? There we go.
- (laughs)

- Hey, man.
- It's been real, Moondog.

Ah, it's been more than that.

It's been wack, Captain Wack.

- (laughs)
- Uh-huh.

See you down the road.

♪♪

(groans)

Look at what the Moondog
just sniffed out.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, Linger'.

Hey, Jimmy. I'm back.

- Moondog?
- Yeah, I'm back.

- LINGERIE: Where the fuck you been, man?
- Jesus.

You look like shit.

No, man, I look like
I always look, man.

We about to set sail.
Come fuck with us.

There we go.

I think we need to look
at a positive I.D. on him.

Make sure the motherfucker
washes his feet.

Take your shoes off, Dog,

when you get
on the fucking boat.

♪♪

Glad I came up on y'all, man.

LINGERIE:
You did, man, but it look like

you in some serious shit,
though, Dog.

- Yeah.
- Jimmy, tell him.

You in serious shit, man.

- How you figure it's serious?
- Motherfucker. I mean,

I heard from some guys
down, you know,

in the U.S... law people,
Keys people.

- Word's out down there.
- Word on the streets

that you did escape and then
the pigs is on your ass now.

Both are true.

- Def.
- That's not serious.

That sounds pretty cool,
the way you put it.

Yeah, sounds like a wanted man,
the way I put it.

(vocalizes)

♪ Lost, lost in the fog. ♪

- Yeah.
- Trying to find the dog.

- Yeah.
- (laughs)

- ♪ Lost in the fog ♪
- ♪ Trying to find the dog ♪

- ♪ He's lost in the moonfog ♪
- Okay, there it is.

♪ Looking for the Moondog ♪

♪ He's lost in the moonfog ♪

♪ And I'm looking
for the Moondog ♪

♪ He had it all ♪

♪ He had money, cars ♪

♪ Everything you could
possibly imagine ♪ - Mm-hmm.

♪ But this is the story
of the death of a dream ♪

- ♪ Death of a dream ♪
- ♪ The one who had ♪

- ♪ Who has not anymore ♪
- ♪ What does it mean?

- ♪ Moondog ♪
- (barking)

- ♪ Come on, Dog, come on, Dog ♪
- (continues barking)

Sit, boo-boo, sit, sit!
Sit, boo-boo, sit!

- (continues barking)
- (indistinct chatter, laughter)

♪ It's the motherfuckin'
Moondog ♪

(howling)

♪ Howling at the moon ♪

- ♪ It's the Dog, y'all ♪
- Yeah, yeah.

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo. ♪

Yeah!

(other whooping, laughing)

LINGERIE:
I got something I gotta

get off my chest with you, man.

I don't even really know
how to say it.

I'm just gonna come clean.

I was having an affair
with Minnie, man.

Several years,
behind your back.

I'm talking about
really sexually wild

experiences with your wife, man.

Yeah, I figured as much.

But I do know
she didn't love me.

She loved my sex,
but she didn't love me.

I was the R-and-B singer
with the big ding-a-ling.

I was just a diversion
until you came back, you dig?

But she honestly loved you.
I know that for a fact.

She did, didn't she?

She loved the fuck
out of you, Moondog.

And I loved her, man.
Still do.

- So sexual.
- Hypersexual.

- Oh, man.
- Oh, man...

The moves that she'd do
in the bedroom.

She had these tiny hands.

they made my cock look so big.

Oh, wow, you should have seen

what mine looked like
in her hands.

The way she went down, I mean,
I could just see her right now.

- And then you make eye contact...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I hear you, I hear you.
Th-That's enough, that's enough.

I hear you.

I had a crazy-ass dream
to help you get out

that motherfuckin' thing
that you in.

I had a dream you was dressed
like a woman to help you escape.

- A woman?
- Yeah.

JIMMY: I had the same dream.
I had this guy,

a buddy in Vietnam,
dressed up like a geisha.

Walked out of the war.

(laughter)

- Get in touch with your...
- LINGERIE: His femininity.

- Yeah, femininity.
- Tap into it, man.

It may not be a bad look
after all, you understand me?

I could see you
with a dress on.

JIMMY: Moondoggy-doggy
might get used to it.

Yeah. The Dog in a dress
and some high heels.

- And let him strut the runway.
- (laughter)

It's a ridiculous idea. It's...

It's kind of fuckin'
freaky ingenious, guys.

I think I already got
the underwear right.

And if I got my walk right,

this would be too easy.

Oh, look at this!

Go ahead and give 'em
the whole moon there, Moondog.

- You hear me?
- I hear you.

Hey, you actually
look good, Dog.

MOONDOG: I mean, it's kind of
fuckin' freaky, right?

LINGERIE: I mean,
it's supposed to look freaky.

Right now,
you a freaky little bitch.

That's what's gonna
throw the police off, you dig?

(laughing)

- Moondog.
- (chuckles)

Ain't nobody gonna
fuckin' recognize you

in that shit right there,
especially the fuckin' pigs.

You know what the challenge
of this situation's gonna be?

LINGERIE:
Yes, ma'am?

Dudes are gonna want my shit.

(laughter)

LINGERIE:
Motherfuckin' Moondog!

(cheering)

LINGERIE: We schleppin'
through the city unseen.

What a disguise.
A perfect disguise, baby.

Any of your bitches
gonna get hot on you

they see you riding around
with a hot blonde like me?

They gonna like the fact.
This is that interracial shit.

Like Jim Brown
with Raquel Welch.

You know what I'm talking about?

I love it when a plan
comes together.

Anything for a friend.

(Moondog and Lingerie laughing)

- Yes. Yes!
- This is what...

- I'm lookin' at heaven.
- Yes!

Heaven looks like, Linger'.

Think of it like this, Dog.

I'm gonna give you
so much of this,

you gonna be able to write you
a couple of novels

or that poetry shit.

- Ah, poetry.
- Yeah, I'm talkin' 'bout poems

- out your motherfuckin' asshole.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

This... this is the safecracker
right here.

To crack the safe
to writing that thing,

and getting that money.

'Cause this is the key
to unlocking

all of those juices
in that head of yours.

Trust me.

♪♪

(sirens wailing)

- The cops, they here.
- LINGERIE: Say what?

The pigs is here right now?

Fuck! I must have been
high as a motherfucker

when I hatched that plan.

Gas up the seaplane.

Go get my shit out
the magical room.

Somebody scrape up Moondog.

It's time to go.
Let's load this shit up.

Let's get rolling.
Stop dillydallying.

The cops is coming.

Load up the motherfuckin'
Rasta van.

I'm bringing y'all
for the music.

We on the run, like we used
to be back in the days.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

MAN: Hurry, mon, hurry.
Put it in now. Move, move!

Lingerie, close the fuckin'
door. It's time to go.

You know I got the motherfuckin'
master plan.

My Rasta, he gonna fly you
to the Keys on my seaplane.

(Moondog laughs)

MOONDOG: Time to get me down
to Key West, baby.

Cops ain't never gonna
catch the Moondog.

LINGERIE:
Moondog, come on, hurry up.

Get this shit on the plane,
fast like.

MOONDOG: I hope we got
enough weed for this.

(chuckles) Shit.

This is gonna be fun.

Didn't know it'd be this easy.

Hey, uh... is he a good pilot?

LINGERIE:
Not at all.

- Not at all?
- No, man.

He got glaucoma
in both his eyes.

But when he's zooted
off of that shit,

he'll get you
where you need to be.

But, Dog, you gonna need
some cash for the splash.

Ah, that's gonna cush
the landing.

- Yes, sir.
- Well, what can I say, Linge'?

We shall meet again on some
distant shore, my friend.

Yeah.

The sun, the rain
and the motherfuckin' moon.

You make us proud down there,
you hear me?

Time for liftoff, Linge'.
Time for liftoff.

Be good, or be good at it.

- Yeah.
- When I smoke enough weed

and drink the 'shroom tea,

a few lines of dainty white
Bogotácoca...

- Yeah...
- Shit, man!

- Woof! Woof!
- Woof!

Man, I get insane vision,

and the vision
guide like a spirit

in a direct line
to our final destination.

- Destination, yeah.
- Safe and sound.

- I don't fuck around.
- Ah, you know what,

it doesn't even matter
what you said.

It just sounds so fuckin' good
how you say it.

You know, I'm 98% blind.

That's perfect.

♪♪

(Rasta laughing)

♪♪

(laughing)

They don't even know, man.
(chuckles)

MAN:
Moondog, what you got?!

MOONDOG:
Riding through the slipstream

with a whole lot of green.

- MAN: Gimme some of that, bro!
- (laughing)

- WOMAN: Moondog, I love you!
- Hey. Yeah.

Love you, too.

- (laughter)
- WOMAN: What's up, Moondog?

- Ooh... Ooh...
- (laughter)

MAN:
Yeah, man!

- (laughter)
- WOMAN: Hey, Moondog.

(Moondog humming)

- Honey, I'm home.
- Oh, Moondog!

(speaking Spanish)

Mm...

All right, that's enough!

This is my Cuban maid.

Ooh, I think I need
some of that.

Let's get the party started.

- All right.
- Salud.

All right!

♪♪

(laughing)

WOMAN:
Hey, Moondog!

(laughing)

♪♪

(chicken clucking)

MAN: Thank you for meeting
with me today.

MOONDOG: Yeah, my pleasure.
I-I don't remember

the last time
I did one of these.

Got an interesting life.

How'd you pull it off?
How'd you do it?

I only pull it off how I do it.
(laughs)

I mean, look,
I could tell you that I've...

been trying to uncover the abyss

beneath my illusory connection
with the world.

I could tell you that it's
all written in the stars.

I could tell you
that I'm a reverse paranoiac.

I'm quite certain
that the world

is conspiring to make me happy.

All three of which are true,
but...

it's really
a little simpler than that.

I like to have fun, man.

Fun's the fucking gun, man.

Also, I like boats.

I like the water.
I like the sunshine.

I like beautiful women a lot.

And then I get
all these things going, man.

They're all turning me on.

My wires are connecting
upstairs,

and I start to hear music
in my head.

You know? And the world's
reverberating

back and forth,
and I hit the frequency,

and I start to dance to it,
and my fingers get moving,

my head's getting soupy,

I'm spinning all over
the fucking place,

and the fucking words come out.

It's like it's a fucking gift.

What makes you, Moondog,

different than all these
other people?

Seriously?

You mean the ones up north
on the mainland?

The ones racing
to their red light,

the ones stuck in their ways,
a little bit too busy

to check inside
and say howdy, howdy, do?

That shit's not for me, man.
I mean, fuck, man.

So many people trip themselves
when they're running downhill.

Life's hard enough. Why would
you fucking want to do that?

I mean, fuck, we're here
to have a good time.

I just want
to have a good time

until this shit's over, man.

This life gig's a fucking rodeo.

I'm gonna suck the nectar
out of it and fuck it raw-dog

till the wheels come off. Mmm.

- Let me ask you something.
- Come on.

- Off the record.
- Come on.

What's up
with the women's clothes?

- What women's clothes?
- LEWIS: Motherfucker,

my phone was dead.

I held a funeral
for that motherfucker.

I had people giving speeches
in remembrance

of the time
when my phone was alive.

But it is back to life.

It has resurrected,

and the phone-a is a-ringing
off of the hook-a.

(laughs) - Calling you
motherfucking van Gogh

with words, baby.

They calling you Walt Disney.
They want to freeze

your motherfucking brain
when you die.

But you was acting like
a little fuck-boy for a minute.

(both laugh)

And I had to admit...

true genius takes true guidance,
takes true pushing.

- Let me tell you something.
- (laughs)

- Please, tell me something.
- Moondog.

Tell me something.

You up for a motherfucking
Pulitzer.

My book's up for a Pulitzer?

- Pulitzer.
- Ah!

(laughs)
Minnie-boo, you hear this?

(smooches) Thank you.

And now the prize
for outstanding poetry.

It is with great honor
that I introduce to you

- Mr. Moondog.
- (applause)

(barks)

(cheering, hollering)

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

(crunching)

LEWIS:
I had a lot in my life,

but I always had
this feeling like,

when I left...

...no one gonna remember me.

But knowing you,

being a part of what you did...

...maybe that means
something now.

I want to thank you.

You know what I liked the most
about being rich?

Mm?

You can just...

be horrible to people,
and they just have to take it.

(laughing)

This next poem is, uh,

one I wrote at 3:00 a.m.,

coming down off of a two-day
acid trip in the Virgin Islands.

(chuckles)

It's called
"The Beautiful Poem."

"I go to bed in Havana

"thinking about you.

"Pissing a few
moments ago, I...

"I looked down at my penis

"with affection.

"Knowing it has been inside you

"twice today...

...makes me feel beautiful."

(applause)

- MAN 1: Go, Moondog!
- MAN 2: Moondog!

(cheering)

♪♪

(Heather chuckling)

MOONDOG:
Ah...

I have to admit I didn't think
you could do it, Dad.

No?

HEATHER: But you managed
to pull it off somehow.

- (Heather chuckles)
- MOONDOG: Sweetie,

told you don't ever bet
against the Moondog.

(laughs)

I'm just so happy you
finally dumped Limp-Dick.

Oh. I know.

- HEATHER: He sucked.
- MOONDOG: Right?

HEATHER:
Yeah.

(both laugh)

(humming)

LAWYER:
You unlocked a fortune.

The money is yours.

(over phone): Your complete
inheritance is all yours.

Congratulations.

Exactly. Perfect. Listen.
I want it all in cash, man.

What was that?

- Cash, man. C-A-S-H, cash.
- (cat meows)

All greenbacks.
I don't want you to put a penny

of that stuff in the bank.

You know, I don't trust
those Illuminati

- motherfuckers.
- (can popping open)

Now, here's what
you're gonna do.

I want you to buy me a sailboat.

All right?
Like, a 150-, 200-footer,

something really nice,
preferably vintage,

and I want you
to name that boat Success,

after my old friend
Captain Wack,

and then you're gonna put
the rest of the cash

stacked in that sailboat,

and I want you

to sail it down here to me.

LAWYER:
That's over $50 million

in cash, Moondog.

MOONDOG:
All right, don't fuck it up.

- (kissing noises)
- (cat meowing) - (laughing)

She's gonna want to marry me
now that I'm rich, right, huh?

That's right.

What do you think
about that, huh?

Cash in a boat.

We could do whatever we want
or nothing at all.

(laughter, chatter)

- Yeah, mon.
- There she is.

That's beautiful.

She's awesome, man.
Awesome boat.

Got great shapes in the cargo.
There's $46 million on board.

- (laughing)
- Man...

we're gonna buy ourselves
so much weed.

Mmm.

- What do you think about that?
- (meows)

(both laugh)

MOONDOG:
You know what I want to do?

I want to have a big fucking
firework show, man,

invite all my friends
from the Keys.

None of that sparkler bullshit

that impresses lesbians,
pregnant women and babies.

No, no, no, let's-let's Valhalla

this motherfucker,
you know what I mean?

Raise the dead.

(whoops)

- Make it awesome for Minnie.
- Boom.

Work it, Moondog.

- Mooney, money. Money!
- (laughing)

("Into the Mystic"
by Van Morrison plays)

(crowd whooping, hollering)

♪ We were born ♪

♪ Before the wind... ♪

All right, Federales,
this is where you get off.

One for you.

Gracias, señor.

- One for you.
- Thank you.

♪ As we sailed into the mystic ♪

(crowd cheering)

- (meows)
- (whoops)

♪ Hark, now hear ♪

♪ The sailors cry ♪

(whoops)

♪ Let your soul and spirit fly ♪

(cheering)

♪ And when that foghorn blows ♪

- ♪ I want to hear it ♪
- (hollering)

♪ I don't have to fear it,
and I ♪

♪ Want to rock your gypsy soul ♪

♪ Just like way back
in the days of old ♪

(laughing)

♪ And magnificently
we will float ♪

♪ Into the mystic ♪

(meowing)

(crowd gasping, hollering)

♪ I got to hear it,
I don't have to fear it ♪

- ♪ And I ♪
- (laughter, chatter)

♪ Want to rock your gypsy soul ♪

♪ Just like way back ♪

♪ In the days of old ♪

♪ And together
we will float... ♪

That's great poetry.

(explosions continue)

♪ Come on, girl ♪

(Moondog laughing)

Oh! Holy shitfire.

(exclaims)

That was so much fun.

(laughing)

(explosion booming)

Holy shit, huh?

That was a close one, wasn't it?

Hey, yo, yo, yo!

- (barking)
- (explosion)

(laughing)

(mutters, laughs)

(laughing)

♪ Too late to stop now. ♪

(laughing continues)

Oh, what a fucking blast.

♪♪

♪ Looking for the Moondog ♪

♪ Is he fishing
in the moonfog? ♪

♪ Or running things
like a wild hog? ♪

♪ Never wonder
at the end 'cause ♪

♪ We've seen this act before ♪

♪ Heard this monologue ♪

♪ He's a wanted man with
his head stuck in the sand ♪

♪ Down and disavowed ♪

♪ Being way too fucking loud ♪

♪ We got to get
a leash on that dog ♪

♪ Woof ♪

♪ On that dog ♪

♪ He's always dancing
in the moonbeams ♪

♪ Never cozy
in the mainstream ♪

♪ Always sucking up
the moonlight ♪

♪ Never really got
his mind right ♪

♪ Melted like a Fudgesicle ♪

♪ Left out in the sun ♪

♪ Time is running out ♪

♪ He's a man on the run ♪

♪ Death of a dream ♪

♪ We've got to plot a scheme ♪

♪ Got to get his ass
out of town ♪

♪ Hiding in the mangroves ♪

♪ Till the coast is clear ♪

♪ Take him up to Disney World ♪

♪ Get him out of here ♪

♪ Looks like he's
having flashbacks ♪

♪ Speaking Lebanese ♪

♪ Put him in a Greyhound ♪

♪ Heading for the Keys ♪

♪ They need to never find
the Moondog ♪

♪ Keep him hidden
in the moonfog ♪

♪ A little ganja
and some good grog ♪

♪ Keep it gentle
to the Moondog ♪

♪ I was working
on a moon scheme ♪

♪ Not exactly looking
downstream ♪

♪ Watch him hoppin'
like a tree frog ♪

♪ Hope he makes it
to his epilogue ♪

♪ Epilogue, demagogue,
monologue ♪

♪ A hoppin' frog ♪

♪ Moondog. ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(music ends)