All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S10E09.HDTV.x264-ASAP

We think it's a
sinkhole! It's awesome!

It's really not
that awesome.

- It's blowing my mind!
- How is a hole in the ground

- blowing your mind?
- Look, I was a little bit

skeptical at first, too, but
we've been playing with this

thing for three hours now,
and it's fantastic.

I'm sorry, can I ask how do
you play with a goddamn hole?

First, we just started, like,
throwing things down it and

then we never heard it land.
It would just kind of rattle

- around down there.
- Then we got a flashlight to

see if we could see the bottom.
We couldn't.

Then I threw it down there, you
know, to prove a point.

- What was the point?
- It was something to do with

how metal travels faster than
light or...?

No, it was that light is
either on or off.

There's no speed to light.
It's, it was an anti-science

- thing.
- This hole, it's very

exciting, Dennis.
I mean, it represents infinite

- possibilities. It's endless.
- What if there's, like, a

mutant living down there?
We can get him up and he can

- live in the bar with us.
- We've already got one mutant

hanging out with us in the bar
all the time.

Hey, Frank, did you hear what I

said?
I turned a frustrating

- conversation into a joke on you.
- The, uh... thing.

- Huh? Oh, y-yeah.
- Frank, what do you think

about this hole?
Pretty cool, huh?

You want to do something
with it?

No. I don't.
In fact, something just dawned

on me.
I need to quit.

Wha-What? What are, what are
you talking about?

I don't care anything about
this hole.

- I-I'm passionless.
- What are you saying, Frank?

I hereby officially retire
from Paddy's Pub.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

All right, now, with Frank
retiring, I know we're all a

little bit concerned about how
that affects everyone's shares.

Frank owned 51% of Paddy's Pub

and we own 46%.

Well, we did, not-not Dee.

She-she doesn't own shit.

Yeah, I know. Goddamn it.

Yeah, yeah.

And, Charlie, you actually gave

up most of your shares for

various sandwiches and snacks

and sundries and...

What the hell is a Franquito?
It says Franquito owns three

- percent of Paddy's Pub?
- Oh, yeah, I don't know.

That's probably one of Frank's
weird shell corporations.

It doesn't matter.
Who gives a shit?

It's only three percent.
Whoever gets Frank's 51% is the

majority shareholder.
That is who controls the bar.

- That is who gets the throne.
- Oh, there-there's a throne?

Oh, sorry. No, I was just
referring to the desk chair as

the throne 'cause that's where
the boss man sits.

Ugh, gross. That chair smells
like Frank's butt.

It's not actually Frank's
Frank's butt; I think it's a

combination of all of our butt
smells, you know?

- That's worse.
- Yeah.

Why would anybody want
that chair?

No, no, it's not about the
chair itself.

It's what the chair represents.
The chair represents power.

Okay, well, all right.
How do we divvy up Frank's

- shares then?
- Uh... Okay, well, um...

- I'll-I'll take them.
- You? You?

You think we're gonna give the
shares to the man who wants to

pull a mutant from a mystery
hole in the bar and live

- with him?
- All right, well, look, I'm

just trying to come up with a
system.

- We got to have a system here...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

We do have a system for this!
Paddy's Succession Plan,

- remember?
- Oh, shit! Right.

Yes, right!
Paddy's Succession Plan.

It was like a will that we drew
up to help us determine who

would get each one of our shares
in the very likely event of

our untimely deaths, that's
right.

We drank, like, three bottles
of tequila and then we started

talking about our legacy and how
important that was to us.

- Oh! Got to have a legacy.
- Oh, here we go.

- Oh, oh! Yeah, okay.
- On a paper plate, huh?

Read it! Read it! Read it!
Read it!

"Paddy's succession plan.
Paddy's Pub shall secure our

legacy here, henceforth and
forevermore throughout the

birthright of our firstborn kin.
Who had the pen here?

It makes sense.
Don't be a bitch.

What it means is every one of
our shares gets passed down to

- our firstborn.
- Right, right! Our firstborn!

The shares get passed down to
the firstborn kin?

- Yeah.
- We are the firstborn kin of

- Frank.
- Well, now, hang on, that's

- not, like, an official document.
- Uh, well, you signed it in

- your blood.
- Oh, that, yeah, there it is--

"Trundle," written in blood.
- Oh, yeah, I was going by

- Trundle at the time, wasn't I?
- No, no, no. You were trying

to write "Charlie" and you wrote
"Trundle."

No, I was going by "Trundle
the Great."

You came up with that after
you miswrote it.

Well, look, the point is you
can't just take the bar based on

- a paper plate.
- Sorry, Charlie.

I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.
I'm your humble servant.

You're just gonna give it to
them?!

That's a binding contract.
Okay? You wrote it in blood.

That's gonna hold up in a court
of law and I know when to pick a

side.
I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.

Wait, hold on a second.
You guys aren't even actually

Frank's kid.
Your Bruce Mathis' kid, all

right?
And I technically might be

- Frank's kid.
- Charlie, I pledge my

- allegiance to you.
- No, no, no, no.

Wait a second, no.
But Frank is a Reynolds and we

- are Reynolds.
- Yup, we're Reynolds.

Yeah, and it's the name that
carries on the line, not maybe

- being someone's bastard kid.
- It was always you guys.

I tricked him, I tricked him.
It was always you.

It is the blood that binds.
And his blood is pumping through

my veins.
And I shall prove it.

This is a little bit harder

because he might win 'cause he
has some good points.

- But you guys might win...
- We don't give a shit about

- what you're talking about!
- It doesn't matter, it doesn't

matter.

Heyo! There's my guy!

Hey, I got a piping hot Grilled
Frank for you, okay?

I got the sausage, the Spam, the
bacon.

I got it wrapped in a jelly
pancake and cooked with a stick

- of butter.
- I don't want that, Charlie.

I'm trying to get in shape.
I read all about this phenomenon

that guys' bodies immediately
turn to shit the second they

- retire.
- Oh, yeah?

- I got to work on it.
- All right, well, you know,

just-just take a peek, see if
you like it.

Uh, hey, listen, man, can I ask
you something?

- What?
- Are you, like, um... my dad?

- What?
- Are, like... are you the-the

- father of me and shit?
- We've-we've been over this.

- Yeah.
- Your mother's a giant whore.

- Right.
- I don't want to stress about

this, Charlie.
I'm retired. Leave me alone.

- I want to watch a little TV.
- Yeah. All right.

Charlie, hey... Oh.
Hey, can I talk to you for a

- sec?
- Yeah. Hey.

Hey, um, I came up with a
really great idea, dude.

- Yeah?
- I'm gonna play both sides.

- Why would you tell me that?
- Should I not have?

Probably shouldn't 'cause if
you're trying to keep a secret

- from me, well, now I know.
- I should've... Should I tell

- them?
- No, I don't think you should

tell either side 'cause if you
try to play both sides and they

both know, you're not playing
anybody.

- What should I do now?
- I don't... I don't give a

shit.
Why are you here?

I'm here to prove my
allegiance to you.

Because I believe that you're
the rightful heir.

- Okay, whatever.
- All right, well, I see... I

- see that you don't believe me.
- Why would I?

So I am prepared to take a
blood oath with you.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, dude!
Oh, that was Frank's toe knife!

Oh, it hurts so much.
All right, quick, shake on it.

No, I'm not gonna touch your
blood.

Do you have something I
could... I got to close this

- wound.
- Here, just plug it up.

That was so not as cool as I
thought it was gonna be.

That sock's probably gonna
get it more infected, though.

All right, look, look, look,
look.

We got to prove that Frank is
your dad.

Dude, he-he doesn't even want
to have that conversation with

me, okay?
And he's certainly not gonna get

tested, you know?
He's really resistant to the

- whole thing.
- All right, well, then

we're gonna have to do some
testing of our own.

- Yeah?
- I can choke a man out in four

- seconds flat.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I guess we could try that,
or, uh...

- All right.
- You know, I could probably

take his blood right now.
He's out.

He's staring right at us.

Yeah, he's been falling
asleep with his eyes open like

that, but he's way out.
I mean, we could prick him.

He won't feel a thing. Frank!

Anything?

Nothing!
Not a single butt smell to that.

- How is that possible?
- I don't know.

It's either this guy's butt or
this brand of chair.

It's got to be the brand, right?

All right, we got to get one
of these for our throne.

- Yeah. Hey!
- Hey!

Hey, what do you say, Doc?
So, what is the verdict?

- Is Frank Charlie's dad or not?
- I don't know.

I don't know who that is.
What I do know is I came to work

this morning to find a very
large bucket of blood in my lab.

Yeah, well, that's the
sample, obviously, and, uh, you

know, if it's too big, it's
because Frank sprung a little

- bit of a leak there.
- Yeah, it was a mess, huh?

- He was bleeding like crazy.
- There was blood everywhere,

but we caught enough of it, I
think.

Yeah, we must have cut a
deep vein or something.

Wait a second.
Most of this came from one man?

Did we take too much?
I-I didn't think that we took

- too much.
- Yes. You took too much.

Also, there's traces of more
than four individuals in here

and at least one animal.
Was there blood in the bucket

- before?
- It is a blood bucket,

- so yeah, there was old blood.
- I didn't come here to get

sassed, okay?
I came here to get an answer to

my question.
So is Frank Charlie's dad or

- not?
- The only thing that I can

tell you is that, based off of
how much blood is in this

bucket, your friend is in
desperate need of blood.

All right, Dee, the bar is
finally ours.

- Let's talk redecoration.
- Well, I'm thinking chrome,

and I'm thinking chrome
everywhere.

The other thing that's important
to me is a proper dance floor.

That way, any time I want to
just pop a boogie, I can do it

wherever I am, and it won't be
weird, you know what I mean?

- Okay.
- Oh, think of it,

brother.
With them out of the way,

we can do as we please.
Two butts, one throne.

All right, you know what,
you've been doing this all day.

- Why are you talking like that?
- I'm just being... I'm being

- arch.
- Why?

Well, because we're being
devious and we're plotting, and

I just wanted to make sure that
it was clear that we were

- devious and plotting.
- You don't need to indicate to

me that you're being devious
when you're actually

- being devious.
- I guess I had some concerns

that you wouldn't pick up on it
if I didn't make it super clear.

Yeah, but the problem is if
you start doing that,

everybody's gonna pick up on it.
And that defeats the purpose.

- Yeah, got it.
- Dennis, Dee, quickly-- we

don't have much time.
Charlie and I doctored a

paternity test to make it look
like Frank is Charlie's dad.

But the tests were actually
inconclusive; there was too much

blood in the bucket to tell.
The reason I'm telling you all

this is because I'm playing
both sides so that I always come

out on top.
So, with this information, I'm

gonna leverage you guys into
making me the head of security

- at the new Paddy's Pub.
- Mm.

O-Okay, okay, couple things
right off the bat, there, pal.

Number one, um, never tell one
side that you're playing both

- sides.
- Yeah.

And number two, if you are gonna
play both sides, don't give away

the information before you get
what you want.

Oh, shit.
Right, don't give away the

- in-information.
- Yes.

All right, well, if I am
gonna play both sides, what

- should I do?
- Oops.

You're still telling us that
you're playing both sides, so

Uh... Okay, well, what if I

make a blood oath...

uh, allegiance to you guys?

Oh!

Ooh.

Gross.

Yeah, I, uh, I sliced it with

Frank's toe knife and, uh, it's

not bleeding anymore, but maybe

I could...

Oh, yeah, here, I'll just get it

again.

Oh!

Oh, shit!

Oh, God!

Jesus, dude, that was the

lime knife.

Oh, I feel that-- it stings.

Oh, Dee, here, shake my hand.

No, get away from me, gross.

Aah. Dennis?

No, your blood is disgusting.

Aah. What should I do?

Go to the doctor.

Mac, why the hell'd you

sprint ahead of me, man?

Oh, 'cause I'm playing both

sides.

- Jesus Christ.
- Wow.

It doesn't matter.
Okay, guys, I got some

documentation here proving that
I am the rightful heir to

- Frank's butt chair.
- Yeah.

All right, Charlie, save it,
save it.

Mac already told us that that's
not a real paternity test.

What the hell, dude?
You swore a blood oath to me.

Dude, you never touched my
blood, okay?

All right, you know what, if
you really want to work here...

- kick Charlie out here.
- Hmm.

- Really?
- No problem, dude.

Charlie, let's go, bud, get...
All right, dude, I'm gonna carry

you out.

Oh, shit.
Oh, my God, he is so heavy.

He's, like, grounding himself
with something.

Oh, now he's going limp.
No, come on, dude, that's not

fair.
Help me out, here, Charlie.

Help me out.
That's it, dude, that's it.

- I'm choking you out.
- Okay.

You're going out, dude,
you're going to sleep.

Good night, dude, good night,
bitch.

Your head of security just

choked himself out.

Hey, Frank, I know you're
trying to be healthy, so I got

you a hoagie with extra pickles
in it-- I figured you could use

the veggies and stuff...
Oh, shit!

- Hi, Charlie.
- What... What's going on with

- you, man?
- I forgot to dye my hair this

- morning.
- What's up with your teeth?

I was eating some of
Deandra's pyramid scheme

berries.
I was trying to get healthy.

- Right.
- I feel a little light-headed.

All right, well, I'm sure
it's nothing, you know.

Probably just, like, tired from
working hard and then...

You know, the body crashes
when...

O-Oh, shit, did you fall asleep
again?

Frank?

- Is he dead?
- Oh, shit.

- He looks bad.
- What are you sneaking up on

- me for?
- Oh, listen, Dennis is acting

weird and I don't like it.
Now, I know he's got something

planned, but he's not
indicating, so I don't know what

- it is.
- Right.

No, I get that, I guess, so,
yeah.

Yes, yes, exactly,
Charlie, so here's the plan: we

need to outsmart him before he
can have us murdered...

- Are you okay?
- ...and throw us in... Hmm?

Do you need a glass of water
or something?

- No, I'm good.
- What are... W-What's

- happening?
- I'm... I'm being arch.

- Oh. Oh.
- We're doing a thing together,

- so you know...
- Yeah, no, I know, just 'cause

- you're telling me what's up.
- Okay, okay, fine.

The point is we got to prove
that you're the rightful heir

- to the throne.
- Yes, of course, that's why I

got this plastic bag, 'cause my
blood bucket was inconclusive.

- You just need a couple drops.
- Right, yeah.

- So let's open him up.
- Yeah, all right, but you

know, we got to be careful, you
know, 'cause I think I took too

- much blood last time.
- Is that what's going on?

- Yeah.
- Okay, well, you just need a

- couple drops.
- Yeah, all right, just a

- prick.
- Just a prick.

- Okay.
- Oh, my God, so much blood!

Oh, so much blood, I think we
hit an artery, Dee, look at

- this.
- Yeah.

- Oh, shit.
- Is he okay?

No, he's okay, you know, the
duct tape'll stop it.

Okay, let's just get...
Wait, oh, shit, this is leaking.

Oh, no.
Oh, shit, I'm holding it...

Wait, wait, stop, stop!
Oh, damn it.

Shoot, Charlie, I'm sorry, I
was trying to help.

Can't imagine it was gonna be a
very good sample anyway-- there

are quite a few pickles floating
around in that bag.

- Yeah, what I was thinking.
- Shit.

Wait a second-- which one of
you and Dennis was firstborn?

- We're twins.
- No, I know, I know, but,

like, who did Barbara actually,
like, pop out first?

Oh, shit.
Oh, Charlie.

- "Worst is first!"
- What is that?

"Worst is first."
My mom used to say that to me

all the time because I was first
and she thought I was the worst.

Holy shit, that's terrible,
but that's good for us.

- Yeah! Yeah!
- Okay, so that means you're

the rightful heir to the butt
chair.

So, all right, we can work with
that.

All right, let's get out of
here, come on, we can't tell

- anybody about this, all right?
- Okay, okay.

Let's... All right, let's
just go.

Always hated these.
So that's gonna change.

Worst is first, dude, worst
is first.

What are you talking about, man?

Dee is conspiring against you.

Charlie figured it out.
"Worst is first."

Charlie and Dee were getting
blood from Frank when Charlie

realized Dee was born first.
Therefore, she's the rightful

heir.
Then I got a little bit more

blood from Frank, 'cause I feel
like we're probably gonna use it

in the future and he was already
opened up, so who gives a shit?

Okay, all right.
How'd you get all this

- information?
- I was hiding in Frank's

apartment, and then they went
out into the hallway and I heard

them through the door.
Dude, the best part is I'm gonna

use this information to leverage
you into giving me a better

- position under your reign.
- You just told me the infor...

You know what?
Forget it.

Good job.
Um, how about the position of my

- pawn, how's that sound?
- Pawn.

- Yeah.
- Pawns are cool, there's a lot

of them, you know.
They move diagonally.

I've always thought that I move
a little bit too much forward

and back and I should be more
like... like...

'Cause then, you can't see me,
if I'm coming at you like this.

Like, sideways.
Well, watch.

Well, don't move your head,
dude.

All right, what if you keep your
head there but close your

- eyes...
- It doesn't matter.

I need you to do something for
me.

Oh... oh, my God.
That is crazy.

It's the smell of a thousand
butts.

Hey! Dennis!
Dennis, I did your bidding.

- Good.
- Yeah.

Frank is on his way.
But dude, whatever it is you got

planned, you better do it fast,
because if Dee and Charlie get

that birth certificate, you're
screwed.

Look, Mac, I told you, I've
got it under control.

Everything is going according to
my plan.

Right.

Oh, brother, looks
as though you've underest...

Stop doing that.
It doesn't work.

- No?
- Look, we found the birth

certificate proving Dee was born
first.

- Mm-hmm.
- Worst is first.

Worst is first, yeah, and
then Charlie and I, we made a

blood oath, so now we are in
cahoots.

- Yeah!
- Hey, Trundle, can I get in on

- that?
- Ugh!

- I'm on their side.
- Nasty.

You idiots.
Did you not think that I had

anticipated this?
While you were running around

town like lunatics, chopping
your hands to bits, I did a

little bit of research.
Turns out Franquito isn't a

shell corporation after all.
He's a person.

Dee, you remember Josefina, our
maid from the early '80s?

- Yeah.
- Well, it turns out Frank had

been banging her for years, and
just before we were born, he

was.
Franquito!

- Ven acá!
- Holy shit!

- Whoa!
- What?

Yeah, look upon him.
Yeah, he doesn't speak any

English, by the way, so don't
try talking to him.

But we worked something out.
Yeah, Frank's shares go to him,

'cause he's the firstborn... and
then Franquito signs to me.

It's game, set and match.

- Holy shit.
- What is happening right now?

I'm not... I'm not feeling so
well.

Retirement is difficult.

Anyway... hey, Frank!
Guess who this is?

Haven't seen him in a while,
have you?

♪
♪Come closer.

It's your son.
Franquito.

Yes.
Of course it is.

Look how beautiful he is.
Oh!

My one true child.
Come closer.

Oh!

You give me so much joy right
now.

And, so, Frank, the bar shall
go to him.

- Oh!
- Just need you to sign here

- and here.
- When a man is no longer

needed in the tribe, his body
betrays him.

- Yeah.
- When he has no purpose, the

blood seems to drain from his
body, leaving him a shell of the

- man he once was.
- I don't know where you're

going with this, but can you
just sign?

- I'm unretiring.
- Wh-What?!

I have a plan.
I will retain all, and Franquito

will help me run the bar as my
number two.

Speaking of number two...

- Oh!
- Dude.

Oh!

Damn it! Come on.
I just cleaned that.

That's Frank's butt smell.
That is it. I told you. Oh, no!

That is the exact smell of
the chair.

Everything is better than it
was before.

- No, it isn't.
- No, it isn't.

- No.
- I have my son to rule with

- me.
- No, you don't.

- What do you mean?
- Because Franquito's not your

son.
I made it all up.

- What?! How?!
- All right, look, guys, it's

very simple.
Seven years ago, I walked into a

Wahwah, and I saw this guy, and
I thought, "Holy, shit!

That guy looks just like Frank,
but, you know, Mexican."

And then I came up with a plan
where I could make Frank believe

that he had a son with our maid
Josefina all those years ago,

and I could bilk him out of a
shitload of money under the

guise that the money was all
going to his firstborn son,

Franquito, when, in fact, the
money was going to me.

And it worked, too.
It was a good plan.

Yeah, but that's, like...
incredibly devious, dude.

I mean, you've been screwing
Frank for years?

Yeah. I mean, you guys would
have done that, too, right, if

- you'd thought of it?
- Uh, I don't... I don't know.

- I don't know, man. I mean...
- Yeah, I think you guys would

have, but, either way, it
doesn't matter, you know, 'cause

everything is, uh, as it should
be, so let's grab some drinks.

- Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
- No, no, everything is not as

it should be.
You tried to screw us out of the

- bar.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you tried

- to steal the bar.
- No, no, no, no, I was trying

to get things to go back to the
way they were-- get him back on

the throne, and, you know, so we
could get back to doing all the

things that we love to do at
Paddy's, you know, like, um,

finding out what's at the bottom
of a hole. Right? Did we ever?

- Shit.
- Did you guys ever find out

- what was at the bottom of that?
- No, we dropped it completely.

- Yeah.
- Oh, shit, dude.

There could be a Goonies
situation down there, right?

That. Yeah, that's what I was
thinking, yeah.

Yeah, we were discussing it.
You feeling better?

You know, the hole...
The hole in the bathroom? Yeah,

- I feel pretty good about this.
- Want to pee in that hole?

All right, come on, let's go
check it out.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Let's get in the bathroom.

You want to try to flush that
thing one more time?

- Ah, the hole.
- Oh, I'm so excited things are

back to the way they were. Yes.
Go play in your little hole, you

- fools.
- You still need me to stick

around, or can I...?

No, Franquito.
We're done here.

- Can I get my five bucks?
- Yes, you can get your five bucks.

Goddamn, you're a greedy
bastard.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com