All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 08 Episode 10 - Reynolds vs. Reynolds The Cereal Defense

- Okay, but now you make a right-hand turn...
- Make a right turn.

Okay, making a right.

You should pass three fuzzy
poles with blinking lights.

Those are traffic signals.

Okay. All right, wait a minute,
I haven't gotten there yet!

And, great.

You should be making a left turn here.

There's no left!

You don't know where I am, tape.

This ain't working, Charlie.

This ain't working.

You should pass three fuzzy
poles with blinking lights.

Those are traffic signals.

I passed the traffic signals!

You should pass three... It's stuck!

Charlie, I need you here!

This tape isn't working.

This is KPFN Public Radio.

Today, on Do It
Yourself Gardening: composting.

I'm sure many of you are wondering
what composting involves.

You should pass three fuzzy
poles with blinking lights.

Hate those poles and the blinking lights!

Make sure your
compost pile gets plenty of air.

- Now...
- Oh Sandra... you dumb bitch.

Wha...?

Charlie, what is
so hard to understand?

I believe that if I inseminated
the right woman, our seed could

potentially-- through an
X-Men-type genetic mutation--

create a son capable of bending steel.

Uh-uh.

That's completely insane.

Do you understand genetic
mutations at all?

Do you hear what you're saying?

I didn't cause any damages, Dennis.

Yeah, not to the exterior of my
car, but to the interior of my car.

My interior is ruined.

Guys, so, I'm sitting at a red light,
at a dead stop, and Frank rams into me.

Out of nowhere!

And now he's saying he's not
gonna pay for the damages.

I mean, did you know
that the man cannot see?

I can see! I got glasses.

I just need new lenses.

The lenses are what make
the glasses work, Frank!

If you were driving around without the
use of sight, then that is completely

irresponsible, and you need
to pay for the damages.

Yeah.

None of the damages were my fault.

Well, it sounds like all of
the damages were your fault.

I mean, Frank, how are we
even talking about this?

Yeah, if you rammed into... He
ran directly into somebody else.

Dennis was eating a bowl of cereal.

What?

He was eating a bowl of
cereal when I hit him, and it

spilled all over the interior,
and those are the only damages

to the car.

You were eating a... bowl of cereal?

Yes.

While you were driving?

Yes. It's not that crazy.

That's not what this is about.

Well, it's a little bit about that.

Yeah, there's a high spill
factor if you're driving...

Actually, it's a lot about that.

Come on, I don't
have to justify myself to you!

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take you to court.

Fine. Fine.

Nobody needs to go to court here.

There's no reason we can't settle this
ourselves, like civilized adults.

No, we can't, Dee, so I'm gonna take
him to court, I'm gonna sue him,

and I'm gonna win.

Dennis, you don't want to
go anywhere near a court.

How many bench warrants for
sexual misconduct do you have?

I-I probably have... yeah.

Yeah. And, Frank, how many unregistered
guns are in your car right now?

A lot.

Ooh, I like where you're headed
with this, Dee, and, uh,

if I may, I think what you're proposing
is that we handle this little matter...

internally.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Okay, uh, okay okay okay.

I'd like to begin with my opening
statement, uh, if I could.

First off, uh, who is the
defendant in this matter?

That's not a statement.

All right, well, irregardless, uh, I would
like to know, as Frank's lawyer, who

I am persecuting or who I'm defending.

Yeah. Prosecuting.

Okay, let me just nip this whole
thing in the bud right now.

Stop treating this like it's a
trial, and like this is a courtroom.

Yeah, but the tables.

Yeah, but I was against that, too, okay?

Let's just present the facts
to each other, and then let's

decide as a majority who's in the right.

That being said, Frank
would be the defendant.

I'm not the defendant.

No, that implies that I am guilty.

He's right.

If anyone's ever accused of anything, I
automatically assume they're guilty.

You do, right?

I'm gonna make you the defendant.

Okay, and I'll make Frank the defendant,
and then we'll split it up after.

You're the defendant.

You aren't prosecuting him!

I'm finished! I'm finished.

Where have you been for
the last three hours?

I have been making... this.

What the hell is that?

It's the Trial Meter.

It shows how we each feel
throughout the trial.

Yeah, I made little gavels with
our names on it, and we can move

them accordingly.

And at the end, whoever has the
most gavels on their side wins.

It took you three hours to make that?

Yeah.

Mac, let me tell you something.

Nobody is gonna want to use
that because it's so stupid.

We are dealing with a serious issue here.

You imbecile!

Don't be an imbecile.

Okay, my property is at stake.

What are you doing?

W-Well, don't do that.

Look, okay, not that we're using
this stupid thing, but don't

start doing that because you're gonna...
I like what he did there.

I'm gonna go ahead and move my guy.

Why? Why? We haven't
presented any facts yet.

Yeah, okay.

Well, don't everybody start
moving their gavels over to the

side, we haven't even... well,
good, at least you have the

common sense to be on my side.

Well, as your representative in this
matter, I didn't have much of a choice.

My hands were tied.

N-N-No. No, no.

You're not... you're
not my representative.

I will be talking for myself.

This is an open and shut case,
and anybody who can't see that

is a savage and an idiot!

Okay, uh, I would like a
five with my client, please.

Oh, you want a five, counselor?

I'd like to take a five, yes.

All right, I'll allow it.

Stop talking like this is a
goddamn courtroom, please.

Oh, I'm the judge!

No, you're not.

Can I be the bailiff?

You are not anything!

I'll allow it.

No one is anything!

I will scratch everybody's
eyes out of their sockets!

Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished
collies, uh, my client Frank here isn't

really on trial today, you know.

Common sense is on trial.

And, well, common sense would
tell you that eating a bowl of

cereal while operating a car
is, well, it's-it's reckless.

It's moronic.

One might even call it... donkey-brained.

Donkey-brained?

Uh, it means to have the brains of a
donkey or a donkey-type creature.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I
know what it means, guy.

But if anything, it's not
donkey-brained to drive around

with a bowl of cereal, it's
donkey-brained to drive around

without the use of your vision.

Oh. That's interesting.

So you do admit that someone who
makes foolish decisions could be

considered donkey-brained?

Uh... sure. Yeah, okay, fine.

I'll take it.

All right.

Uh, now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you
were a boy you were admitted into a...

mental institution.

Is this correct?

That's correct.

But soon after, it was discovered that I
wasn't mentally disabled, so they let

me go.

And, they let me go with the
proper paperwork, clearing me of

everything.

I would like to add into
evidence Article 1.

Uh, Mac, will you please
read this document?

Mm-hmm.

"By the power of the
Commonwealth of Pennsylvania,

Reed Mental Institution hereby
decrees Frank Reynolds to not

have... donkey brains."

What?

What? That is an official document
that says "donkey brain" on it?

Well, it's written right
here in plain English.

Frank, would you like to
clear this up for everybody?

Well... all the kids in the
neighborhood knew I got sent

upstate, so they started calling
me "Frankie Donkey Brains," and

it was very traumatic.

So I got my mommy to drive me
back up to the loony bin, where

they signed this official certificate
exonerating me of all donkey brains.

Yeah, great. What does this
have to do with anything?

Uh, well, Dennis, if by your
own admission someone who has

donkey brains could be
considered reckless or moronic

or idiotic, and my client
Frank here has a state-issued

certificate clearing him of
having said donkey brains, then

I ask you this: do you
have any such certificate?

What?

Well, we don't want a donkey
on the road eating cereal.

We know Frank's not a donkey.

How do we know you're not
a donkey-brained man?

Why would I have a certificate?

You don't have a certificate?

N-N-No, the burden of proof is not on me.

The defendant will answer the question.

The defendant?

I'm not the defendant!

Just answer the question.

No.

No further questions.

Oh!

You got to be kidding be.

Because of that?!

You don't have a certificate.

I mean, you know, what else are we
supposed to... What in the...?!

You may have donkey brains.

I don't know.

No one can prove that they're not
donkey-brained except for him.

I just... I wish you had a certificate.

Oh, bullshit!

Frank... would you like a glass of wine?

Yeah, all right.

Huh? Why not have a glass of wine?

I mean, after all... Oh!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

You can't do that!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, whoopsie, whoopsie.

See, I bashed into Frank
while he was at a dead stop.

That's completely my fault, Frank.

I will pay for all the
damages to your shirt.

Case closed.

Oh, well, when you put it
like that, you got me.

You know, I'm on Dennis's side
now-- he just convinced me.

Uh, hold-hold on one
second though, Charlie.

It occurs to me that Frank
assumed responsibility for a

potential spill the
second he took the wine.

Yeah, he's right.

I knew the risk.

So in this circumstance, it would
appear that Frank is at fault.

And therefore in the
car, Dennis is at fault.

I am on Frank's side.

Case closed.

I pushed... I mean, I pushed him!

Boom! You nailed it.

You know what?

Mac just made the most
credible argument of all.

Hold on a second!

Hold on, Charlie. Credibility?

You're interested in credibility?

I would like to call
my next witness: Mac.

So, Mac, you seem to be pretty locked
into Frank's side at this point, right?

And your opinion, it carries a lot
of weight around here, doesn't it?

Oh, absolutely.

I'm a tastemaker around here.

Pretty much what I say goes.

And I've decided that
Frank is the winner.

Yeah. And, Charlie, you find
Mac's arguments to be fairly

credible and convincing?

I do. Yeah, he makes a
lot of good points.

He's a good judge, and...
he's an even better bailiff.

So if you find Mac's arguments
to be so credible, why

is it that you disagree on
the subject of superhumans?

But we don't...

What? What does this have
to do with the case?

Well, Mac, if your character isn't
credible, then are your arguments?

Strike this line of questioning
from the record, please.

Uh, overruled.

Let her continue.

Mac, do you or do you not
believe that you could create a

superhuman race of strongmen through
genetic mutation and evolution?

What difference does that make?

If you believe something that insane,
then how could you be our tastemaker?

How could we believe anything
that you have to say?

I'm gonna ask you one more time:

do you or do you not believe
that you can create a superhuman

race of strongmen through
genetic mutation and evolution?

Uh, no.

That's ridiculous, Dee.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

You were just... you were just
telling Charlie this morning all

about the... "Oh, have you seen
X-Men?" and "My seed," and...

Well, I was joking with Charlie.

That could never happen
in the real world, Dee.

That's, like, a comic book thing.

He's credible! He's credible.

I win this case.

It's an open and shut case.

Shit, Dennis, that was...
Wait-wait-wait a minute.

Mac, why don't you believe that?

Huh?

Well, I'm just wondering.

Why don't you believe that you
could pass down a gene that

would eventually evolve
into a race of supermen?

Why?

Well, that's a silly question.

Because evolution doesn't
exist, of course.

I'm sorry?

Oh, could you repeat
that again for the room?

Because evolution is
bullshit-- it's not real.

Goddamn it! Recess!

What? What? What? What?

You got to sway Charlie.

You got to make yourself credible again.

What did I do?

We got to stop with this--
your insane, crazy beliefs.

You got to tell them that
you believe in evolution.

Oh, come on, Frank.

That's ridiculous.

We got to get Charlie to stop
thinking you're a lunatic.

Look, Deandra's gonna side
with Dennis-- that's a given.

You want me to win?

Okay, Frank, for you, I will
make myself credible in

Charlie's eyes again, so you can win.

Just give me 15 minutes.

I'm finished, guys!

Jesus Christ.

I'm finished.

Now, this is all about making
myself credible in your eyes

again, and I'm gonna do that by
admitting that evolution... is a lie!

God damn you, Mac!

Yes, please do, Mac.

Now, as you can see, this
is the Evolution Meter.

And I've put God, the creator of
everything, on the right side.

And evolution... on the left.

I went ahead and put you guys
all on the fence, 'cause of

course you're gonna... Actually, no.

Let's start where I would start.

No matter. I'm righteous.

I'm not gonna stand here,
present some egghead scientific

argument based on fact.

I'm just a regular dude.

I like to drink beer.

You know, I love my family.

Rock, flag, and eagle, right, Charlie?

He's got a point.

No, he doesn't.

What?

See, Charlie?

These liberals are trying to
assassinate my character.

And I can't change their mind.

I won't change my mind,
'cause I don't have to.

'Cause I'm an American.

I won't change my mind on
anything, regardless of the

facts that are set out before me.

I'm dug in, and I'll never change.

Mac, look.

You're wasting our time.

You're not gonna get us to
not believe in evolution.

And why is that?

Because the smartest scientists in the
entire world all agree that it's real.

I'm glad you brought that
up, because, Mr. Reynolds,

science... is a liar sometimes.

Oh, boy.

This... is Aristotle.

Thought to be the smartest
man on the planet.

He believed that the Earth was
the center of the universe,

and everybody believed him,
because he was so smart.

Until another smartest guy
came around, Galileo, and he

disproved that theory, making
Aristotle and everybody else on

Earth look like a... bitch.

'Course, Galileo then thought
comets were an optical illusion,

and there was no way that the moon
could cause the ocean's tides.

Everybody believed that
because he was so smart.

He was also wrong, making him
and everyone else on Earth look

like a bitch again.

And then, best of all... Sir
Isaac Newton gets born, and

blows everybody's nips
off with his big brains.

'Course, he also thought he
could turn metal into gold, and

died eating mercury, making him
yet another stupid... bitch!

Are you seeing a pattern?

No.

Mr. Reynolds, these were all the
smartest scientists on the planet.

Only problem is, they kept being wrong.

Sometimes.

This is insane, you fool.

I'm a fool because I have
more faith in the saints that

wrote the Bible?

Yeah, because you just read
the words of a bunch of guys

that you never met, and you just
take it on faith that everything

they wrote was true.

Hm.

And what makes you think what
your scientists are writing is

any more truer than my saints?

Because there are volumes of proven data.

Numbers. You know, figures.

Th-There are fossil records.

Oh, fossil records.

Ah! I didn't even think
about the fossil records.

I guess I'll concede.

Oh, wait, uh, one more thing
before I do, Mr. Reynolds.

Have you seen these fossil records?

Have I... huh?

Have you pored through the data yourself?

The numbers? The figures?

Well, no. I'm-- no.

Oh.

Interesting.

So let me get this straight, Mr.

Reynolds.

You get your information from a
book written by men you've never

met.

And you take their words as
truth, based on a willingness to

believe, a desire to accept, a leap of...
of, dare I say it?

Faith?

Come on, come on.

Look, I mean-- I don't even know
how I'm supposed to respond to

that.

Like... oh, come on.

That is a... that's a false equivalency.

Just answer the question, Mr.

Reynolds.

Sure. Yeah, okay.

I rest my case.

Well, that got me.

Frank, do you want to, uh... Put me over.

Yeah, all right.

What?

Well, we're going on the fence.

I mean, that's a shadow of a doubt.

You actually don't believe
in evolution anymore?

I don't know.

He created a reasonable doubt.

He makes you sound like a
stupid, uh, science bitch.

Yeah, he got you good.

Eh... oh, my God.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What-What are we even talking about?

How did we get on evolution?

This is not about evolution.

Well, it became about that when
you attacked Mac's character.

Yeah, like they did in the O.J. trial
to that hero cop, Mark Fuhrman.

Right!

Okay, let's just get back on track here.

I would like to make
my closing arguments.

N-No, no, no, no, no.

This has gone on long enough.

And by the way, Dee, why the hell do you
give a shit about any of this, anyway?

You don't know?

You can't think of why I might
like to set a precedent of

responsibility for when
someone's car gets destroyed?

No.

Anybody else? Anybody?

I... I can't really think of anything.

Can you think of anything?

I'm blank.

Not ringing a bell for me.

You guys have destroyed every
single car that I have ever owned!

And we've never had so much as a
conversation about it, much less a trial.

A whole trial!

Are you making that up?

Isn't this... What is she talking about?

Are you sure that happened?

Oh, you sons of bitches.

Oh, you goddamn sons of bitches!

I am going to destroy everything you own!

Ooh.

'Kay, you know what?

I'm gonna end this.

I'm gonna end this!

Oh!

I still vote for Dennis.

All right, well, I'm still for Frank.

Yeah.

And I am actually gonna go to the fence.

What?

God.

Oh, goddamn it!

We're nowhere with this.

All right, okay, guys, settle down.

I think if we've learned
anything today, it's that, you

know, we can't just take
things based on faith.

Only seeing is believing, right?

Let's take this to the streets.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah, man. No worries.

Have a good one.

See you later.

Have a nice day.

Bye bye.

Okay, here's the deal.

Dennis, if you can drive to
your apartment and back without

spilling a single drop, Dee,
your precedent is set, and

Frank, you pay for everything.

Fine.

Good.

Okay, and Frank, if you can
drive to our place and back

without getting in an accident
with me giving you directions,

you can continue to drive as
long as I'm in the car with you.

Deal!

All right.

On your mark. Get set. Go!

Did he say it was a race?

No.

Why are they running?

I have no idea.

All right, steady.

Steady as she goes.

I'm going straight.

Beautiful.

No, beautiful stuff.

This is the best.

Yeah. Dee, uh, please prepare
me a bowl of cereal.

Yup.

What are you doing?

We got to see for ourselves
how reckless this is.

And you hold it in one hand
and drive with the other.

Interesting.

Yeah, I know.

Pretty mind-blowing stuff, isn't it?

Then I stop at a stoplight, and,
once I'm stopped, and everything

is safe... take a bite.

All right, here we go.

Hold on.

Make a... make a left right there.

Make a what?

Uh-huh. Go left.

Make a left.

Right.

Right?

No!

Make up your mind!

Deandra, shut up!

Well, dude, now that we're
alone, you can admit it.

I mean, I swayed you on
evolution a little bit, right?

Well, I...

Ah!

That's crazy! That is insane!

How do you hit me again?

It was Deandra's fault.

What?

She gave me the wrong directions.

This way, that way!

Guys, it was actually
pretty cut and dried.

It was Dee's fault.

I was trying to give directions
and she interrupted me.

***

***

This is your fault?
This is perfect.

Guys, we were all here to witness it.

It was Dee's fault, she'll
pay for the damages.

Absolutely. She should, yeah.

That's it.

Don't you dare.

No, it was-- oh, you
know, I have an idea.

Should we have a trial?
Me and Charlie?

- Kind of just had a trial.
- Too many trials.

Can't have a trial for every person.

Let's just have her pay for
it and be done with this.

All right, that's it.

N-no, no, no!

What are you-- no, because
Charlie was giving the-- I was only--

Goddammit!

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com