All language subtitles for Big.Mouth.S01E03.WEBRip.x264-RARBG-EN

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -

The pecs...

the abs...

... the johnson.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
is one hot Paul Bunyan.

I've got morning wood... to chop.

Hyah!

Oh, yeah!

Damn, Paul, your sticky
chest gave me blue balls.

This fall, Paul Bunyan
takes on the Big Apple

and swallows every bite.

Yum-yum!

Oh, my God, that movie looks so good.

Yeah, it's a movie, it's gonna be great.

That's it. I'm getting us tickets
the second they go on sale.

Uh, you actually don't
have to get me one.

What? We see every movie together.

Well, Jessi and I are going out now...

- Oh!
- and so...

- And you feel like you should go with her?
- Well...

- Yeah, that... that totally makes sense.
- But we can watch the trailer together.

Nick, I'd like that very much.

All right, loading.

Oh! Bryan Singer directed this.

The pecs...

the abs...

... the johnson.

What's up, my man? You
page me? Who we hard for?

- Well, um...
- Rihanna? The Land O' Lakes butter chick?

- Um...
- Oh!

- The Rock gave you a boner.
- No! What? No!

No way, this is a fluke. You
know I have no control over these.

Like, remember when I saw
that particularly plump tomato?

Yeah, yeah, could be a
fluke, or maybe... you're gay.

Okay, that's crazy, all right?

All I do is fantasize about girls.

Only one way to find
out. Okay, have a seat.

- Er, should I take off my glasses?
- Oh, no, no. This isn't an eye test.

It's a gay test.

Now tell me... number
one, or number two?

- Number one... ?
- Interesting.

Number one, number two?

- Number two... ?
- Cool, cool.

- Number one, number two?
- Can I see number one again?

- Yeah.
- Number one?

Interesting. Okay,
number one, or number two?

- Oh, my God.
- Number two, right?

- Maybe I am gay.
- Okay, all right. That's good to know.

Wait, what... don't write this
down. Are you filling out a form?

No, I'm just drawing a
picture of a unicorn...

- Oh, you have a sweet side.
- ... buttfucking Mr. Clean!

Mmm.

It's good, the water.

Yeah, I hear tap water's good
'cause there's fluoride in it.

- Cool.
- Cool.

- Andrew did the funniest thing today.
- Oh, God, tell me. What did he do?

- His fruit snacks...
- Uh-huh?

- ... they melted into one big fruit snack.
- Uh-huh?

- And then what happened?
- And then he, um, well, he ate it.

Oh. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- Cool, cool. El baño.
- I'm sorry, what?

Oh, uh, Span... um, "El
baño" is Spanish for...

- Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom now.
- Okay.

Ugh! That was positively
painful, my pretty little pupusa.

I know. We used to have so much fun.

- Why is it so weird now?
- Because you two do not belong together.

- But I really like Nick.
- As a friend.

But remember when y'all
did your Frenched kiss?

- What did you feel?
- Not much.

How's it supposed to feel?

Like Stanley Kowalski picking
you up and thrusting you

onto a kitchen counter
like you weigh nothing.

I don't know who that is
but that does sound good.

There's a reason they
named that streetcar Desire.

Now go out there and lose that boy.

I've got morning wood... to chop.

Lights out. It's 9:05.

Hey, Dad, um... can I ask you something?

Me? Okay, fine, but the lights stay
off. I don't own stock in Con Ed.

Um, when did you start to like women?

- Women? Ugh. Can't stand women.
- Really?

Don't care for men, either. I
don't like people in general.

- Well, what about Mom?
- Well, I love your mother,

but don't tell her that. Who else?

I would say that there's
about four other people...

Terry Bradshaw, of course.

There's a Metro North
conductor who's good.

My cousin Eugene... no,
that's it. I think that's it.

I think three. Yeah,
I like three people.

- Andrew, did this talk help?
- I guess?

Good. I'm gonna go lie down on
the floor in the den and open mail.

- Thanks for dinner.
- Yeah, sorry I sent back my food.

See, I thought tilapia
was a kind of pasta.

- No, it's a fish.
- Yeah, no, no, I know that now.

You know, I was thinking,
we were so good as friends.

- So good.
- So maybe we should just be friends again?

I love that. That's what this
is missing, right? Being friends.

Oh, Good. I'm so glad
you feel the same way.

Nick! Nice blazer, my man.

Thanks. I got it for
my aunt's first wedding.

Love's a journey, dude.
She'll figure it out.

- You ready, Jellybean?
- Yep. Bye, Nick.

And thanks again.

This is so great! I'm
friends with my girlfriend.

Judd, anything special
going on in school today?

- No.
- Terrific.

So mysterious. I get such
a kick out of this kid.

- Nick, how was your big date last night?
- It started out a little awkward,

but then Jessi had this idea that
we would just be friends again

and now I'm really excited about it.

- Oh, honey.
- What?

Did she say just be friends
or "just be friends"?

- Is there a difference?
- I'll rip that little bitch to shreds.

- What?
- It sounds like she broke up with you.

No. Guys, nobody dumped anyone.

We're still going out.
We're just friends.

She made you feel like it
was your idea, didn't she?

That's exactly what
I did to Tyler Kinney.

You remember Tyler.

He tried to light himself
on fire in our front yard.

- Oh, man, Jessi dumped me.
- Ha!

- Everyone's gonna think I'm a loser.
- Well, you're a winner to me.

- Wanna go on a date with your old man?
- No!

- Oh, my God.
- Light yourself on fire.

Hey, um, Matthew?

Oh, look, the lost and
found became a person.

Uh, I was wondering...
if you don't mind...

um, how did you know
that you were, um... gay?

Sorry, you're the
only gay person I know.

Uh, I'm the only gay
person you know you know.

Why are we talking about this?

Oh-hh... ! You think you're gay.

What? No! No. Well, yeah. I'm not sure.

No, I can see it. I mean,
you suck at being straight.

Hi, Andrew, I just wanted
to preemptively let you know

- that I'm not interested in you.
- And may I say that I fully understand

- and I thank you for your candor.
- You're welcome.

That. That, too. You're weirdly formal,

like the kind of gay guy
who's in the Air Force

and then became middle management
at IBM, and you have a condo,

and there's like, a
side gym in the building.

That sounds like a nice little
life I've made for myself.

Let's face it, Andrew, if you're
asking, you're probably gay.

"Probably gay"? What
does that even mean?

Not my job. I have
morning announcements,

- and you have, like, a pear shape.
- Oh, God.

Lacrosse tryouts are tomorrow.

Exciting news for rich sociopaths
with a loose concept of consent.

But let's move on to something
actually care about...

Nick and Jessi.

Everyone wants to know
who broke up with who,

and here to give us the
inside scoop is Nick.

Nick, tell us, in your own
tiny words, who dumped who?

First of all, I really
don't like the word "dump."

I find it offensive.

I mean, does it really
matter who broke up with who?

- Of course it does. You know that.
- Okay, here's what I will say...

I think Jessi is a fantastic girl,

and that's why it was so hard
for me to break up with her.

You heard it here...

Nick dumped Jessi.

Angry.

We shall reach up that little
pygmy's ass and pull out his heart!

His ass heart!

Tomorrow, an exclusive
interview with Patient Zero

in our pinkeye epidemic.

Yeah, looking back, there
was definitely fecal matter

on some of the basketballs.

This is Coach Steve, by the way.

Ooh, I can't believe I'm gonna be on TV!

Okay, so, normally right about
now I'd watch the Mets game.

But if I'm probably
gay, maybe I should...

Definitely watch gay porn.

I know, I know, but I've been
scared to look at any porn.

Isn't going directly to gay porn

like jumping head
first into the deep end?

More like dick first into
the butt end. Nailed it.

Don't just type in "gay porn."
Switch over to private browsing first.

Good call, good call.

We're gonna have to clear more cookies

than a fat kid at a birthday party.

Nailed it again.

Um...

All right, Andrew, this is your
journey. You must be your own shaman.

Ugh...

- Click the mouse.
- Okay. Here goes.

- Well, all right.
- Shit. Wait. What's this?

- That's good.
- Wait. Close that.

- That won't close. Why won't this close?
- Open that one.

- No, I don't want to zoom.
- Yes! Yes!

- Stop clicking on it!
- It's got a life of its own!

Virus, virus! Shame on you!

- Andrew, what's going on up there?
- Nothing! I'm asleep.

Well, something's
wrong with the computer.

Terry Bradshaw's taking
a shower with Howie Long,

and why does Shannon
Sharpe want to get in there?

Oh, my God!

Ooh, how'd you break up with
Jessi? Did you make her cry?

To be honest, it was, like, the
hardest thing I've ever had to do

but it was the right thing
to do. Does that make sense?

- Ha! You my dawg.
- Nick Birch!

Looks like I picked the
right outfit this morning.

Jessi, it's... ahem, good to see you.

- Is it?
- What's going on?

I can't see. My eyes are crusted shut.

Look, we could still be friends.

Friends? Ha!

Oh, we're not friends.

Cut that little pipsqueak down to size.

And to set the record
straight, I broke up with you.

- Well, it was mutual.
- No, no, no.

- Gun him down.
- I knew it wasn't gonna work

as soon as I kissed your
big, weird catfish mouth.

Yeah, paint a picture, baby.

Jessi, let's not forget you kissed me.

- Oh, I'll never forget.
- Sing it, sister.

Just with your giant blubbery lips

it felt like I was chewing
on two lukewarm hot dogs.

- Okay.
- More, more, more!

The gross poking and prodding
from your scaly alligator tongue.

Rub his nose in it.

And I pity the poor girl who makes
the mistake of kissing you next.

You're gonna hear that from time
to time. It's part of the game.

But that's not gonna happen.

'Cause I'm gonna tell
everyone that you, Nick Birch,

are the world's worst kisser!

Yippie-ki-yay,
motherfucker.

Now let's mosey.

Aw, don't worry about it, Nick.
Opinions are like assholes...

keep 'em away from your
basketballs, all right?

Okay, okay, you gotta get back at Jessi.

- Jay.
- And I've got just the idea.

- Jay...
- It's a little bit juvenile,

but it's simple and it's timeless.

- Jay...
- We let it be known that Jessi,

- for a snack, eats tiny pieces of shit.
- What? She doesn't eat pieces of shit.

Andrew, you're picturing it
and we're talking about it.

- That's a win in my book.
- Wait, wait, wait.

I'm not gonna say that Jessi eats shit.

We're in a fight but ultimately
we're still friends, right?

No! She was your friend,
then she was your lover,

now she's your enemy.

Please stop quoting your dad's
divorce lawyer commercials.

Okay, fine. We'll take the high
road. We'll just say she's a lesbo.

No, if I call her a lesbo, then
she's gonna say that I'm gay.

And, hey, is... that's
a bad thing, right?

Like if people think
you're gay that's bad?

- No, we all know it's okay to be gay.
- Do we?

I mean, if it's so "okay" to be gay,

then why are you so
afraid to be called gay?

- Because I'm not.
- But if you were...

- It'd be a nightmare.
- Why?

Why? Come on, Andrew.

No girl's gonna hook up
with you if you're gay.

They'll think all you do is stick
your dick inside other dudes' dicks.

Jay, gay people don't stick
their dicks inside other dicks.

You're picturing it and
we're talking about it.

- I'm not picturing that.
- Let me ask you this...

would you rather that lesbo
call you "catfish mouth" or gay?

I don't want to be called either.

Because being gay is as bad
as having a catfish mouth.

We're all on the same page.

- What's so bad about being gay?
- Nothing.

It just seems kinda hard to be gay.

Oh, it's really hard. I mean,
have you ever looked at gay porn?

- What? No.
- Neither have I, right? Okay.

Now if you'll excuse me, bathroom.

Okay, okay, how about this...

we'll say Jessi puts peanut
butter on her dog's dick

and licks it off. Yum, yum, yum.

Aren't you supposed to put the
peanut butter on your own dick?

Oh. Wow. That would feel way better.

Um, hello? Mr. Ghost of
Duke Ellington? It's Andrew.

Why, hello, Andrew!

Are you doing a report on me for school?

Here's a fun fact... Stevie Wonder
wrote the song "Sir Duke" about me.

And he's been faking his
blindness his entire life.

That sounds like a
crazy conspiracy theory.

You should hear my views on 9/11.

How come all the Jews knew
not to come to work that day?

No, that's been proven to be untrue.

You're picturing it and
we're talking about it.

Anyway, Duke, I wanted your
advice, and I guess I still do.

You see, Duke, I'm probably
gay and it is scary.

Only if you find disposable income
and terrific summer houses scary.

Did you know any gay
people when you were alive?

Of course! I was in show business,

the official profession
of the gay people.

Allow me to introduce you to
famous deceased homosexuals

Socrates, Freddie Mercury,

and Justice Antonin Scalia.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia?

But weren't you famously anti-gay?

I was deep in the closet, and I
wish I came out while I was alive.

Ghost cock is like vegan bacon...

it just isn't as good as the real thing.

- And it has a weird texture.
- Wow, yeah.

Also, it's the best time to
be gay since ancient Greece.

Huh. I had no idea.

As long as you live
on one of the coasts,

or Austin, Texas... that
place is keeping it weird.

Being gay can be bloody brilliant.

- How so, Freddie Mercury?
- I was hoping you would ask.

♪ What's it like to be gay? ♪

♪ When you're gay ♪
♪ Every day is a nonstop cabaret ♪

♪ You've got style and flair ♪
♪ You're loved everywhere ♪

♪ Except for North Carolina ♪

♪ Bears and queens ♪
♪ And Catholic tweens ♪

♪ The world's your buff buffet ♪

♪ Come and join in the fun ♪
♪ Say hello to tight butts ♪

♪ And goodbye vaginas ♪

- ♪ Be gay, totally gay ♪
- ♪ Be gay ♪

♪ Be a bright and shining rainbow ♪

♪ Yes, you'll find your new identity ♪

♪ In the LGBT community ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I'm gay, totally gay ♪

- ♪ He's gay ♪
- ♪ I'm a fabulous flouncing ♪

- ♪ Loud and proud cliché ♪
- ♪ Sashay ♪

- ♪ On display ♪
- ♪ All day ♪

♪ And I found my calling today ♪

- ♪ Hooray! ♪
- ♪ Oh, shanté! ♪

- ♪ So gay ♪
- ♪ It's a flaming hot pink-letter day ♪

♪ I'm not the boy I used to be ♪

♪ I'm here, I'm queer, get used to me ♪

♪ I'm gay ♪

♪ He's absolutely, undeniably gay ♪

Matthew, you were right. I'm gay.

Well, look at you, walking
into rooms, declaring things.

Yes, I'm declaring that
I'm a proud gay man.

Okay, what's next? How
am I supposed to dress?

How do I meet other gay people?
How do I find a boyfriend?

Well, first of all, you
already have a boyfriend.

- What? Who?
- "Peanut."

- Who?
- "Little Purse Dog."

- Purse Dog?
- "Mr. Teddy Graham."

- Nick?
- Yes! "Little Baby Salt Shaker."

What? No, Nick's not my
boyfriend. We're just best friends.

Oh, please! You do everything together.

You're always making each other jealous,

getting in your stupid little fights.

- It's classic. You're a tall and a short.
- Is that a thing?

Everything in the gay
community is a thing.

Also, bye-ee!

He's right, it's Nick.
It's always been Nick.

So what's up? You officially gay?

What? Yes. Where have you been?

I'm sorry, I was inducting
my dear friend Joe Walsh

into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

And as long as he's around,
rock and roll will never die.

Ladies and gentlemen, Eagles legend
and my brother-in-arms, Mr. Joe...

Well, you get it.

Is this the gay kid you
were talking about, man?

Yeah. He thinks he's in
love with his best friend.

It would be kind of perfect, right?

We get along, his parents love me...

Well, if he's gay and into
it, then you're making music.

Beautiful music. Though, I should
figure out if Nick is into it.

But if he's not, that's
a hard morning light

coming through your window, brother.

Joe Walsh is right. If I
come right out and tell him

and he's not into it,
that could ruin everything.

Yeah, and then you'll get
caught up in a bunch of lawsuits

about publishing rights,

and Don Henley doesn't call you
on your birthday anymore, man.

It's a bummer 'cause
he was your brother.

- What's up, jerk?
- Hey, Jessi,

- do you want to sit over here with me?
- Oh, yeah. Thanks, Missy.

Do you want some of my
homemade fruit leather?

- I'm not allowed refined sugar.
- Uh, thanks. I'm all set.

Oh. Okay, how about this?

Wow. It must be hard for you that
you can't sit with the boys anymore

after all that stuff you
said about Nick's mouth.

- Yeah.
- The gloves came off in a fit of rage.

I was really mad.

And I guess as goes Nick so goes Andrew.

It's the law of the jungle,
Jessi. It's the law of the jungle.

Yeah, that part I didn't
really think through.

Fucking bitch! Eating those baby carrots

when you know she wants to be
eating little pieces of shit.

Jay, please. How did
everything get so messed up?

I know. This whole thing with
Jessi, it makes you wonder,

like, hey, women, do we even need them?

What? Of course we do. What
about my mom and, like, whores?

My point is, when it's just the
boys it's, hey, we make music.

- Uh-huh.
- But with girls it's like,

- "Aw, why aren't they boys?"
- I don't get it.

Are you saying that we
can't be friends with girls?

No, I'm just saying maybe the
two of us should go on a vacation,

go camping or something, get
away from all this woman drama.

- Oh, I love that. Camping's a great...
- It's just Nick and me!

Oh... yeah, no, that... that's fine.

I mean, I know how to track you guys.

Nick-o-teen,

you caught me working on a new
song that no one will ever hear.

Oh, death is so profoundly sad.

But enough about me. Why the long face?

Duke, I guess I was wondering, have
you ever stayed friends with an ex?

- Nope. Impossible.
- That's a bummer.

I'd really like to be
friends with Jessi again.

Man, you boys having a lot
of problems this week, huh?

- What do you mean?
- Your lumpy friend Andrew

was up here the other day.

Good kid. Thinks he
might be a homosexual.

What? Andrew? That's impossible.

- He would tell me.
- Would he?

What if he's shaking
in his little gay boots,

scared you won't want
to be his friend anymore?

I don't care if Andrew's gay,
I'll always want to be his friend.

Let's just say he comes out to you
and you fire him from your band,

so he becomes destitute and flings
himself in front of a trolley car.

Duke, did you fire a guy for being gay?

Oh, God, no! I loved
having gay guys in my band.

More groupie for Dukie. Yum, yum, yum!

I would never fire Andrew from my band.

Oh, my God, poor Andrew.

"Oh, my God, poor Andrew"?
That sounds like a good song.

I'm gonna change the
"oh, my God" to "hey, now"

and "poor Andrew" to "sweet Desiree."

♪ Hey now, sweet Desiree ♪

- Hey.
- Hi.

- What are you doing here?
- I spoke to Duke.

Oh. Did he mention
anything about Stevie Wonder

- and his connection to 9/11?
- No. We actually talked about you.

- Oh, God.
- He said you think you might be gay.

What the hell? Is there no
child-ghost confidentiality anymore?

- Well, is it true?
- I don't know.

Look, I got a boner watching
the "PB: NYC" trailer.

Like, a big, hard boner. And I
don't know how to talk to girls

but I wanna jizz all the time,

and I'm so awkward around
everyone except you,

'cause we're best friends,

and I guess it just seemed like
being gay might actually be great.

But now that I'm saying
it out loud I don't know.

I wish there was some way to
know. I've never even kissed a guy.

I've never kissed
anyone, for that matter.

How am I supposed to know if...

You just kissed me.

It was scientific. I
was just trying to help.

Did you feel anything?

- Uh...
- Nothing, flaccid.

Maybe we should pin him to the
ground, jam it in his mouth,

- just the sheer fucking degradation...
- Wait, wait, wait. Hush.

- I... I'm actually not into this.
- Yeah, no, I could tell.

I was just spitballin'. Poof!

So, are the test results in?

Honestly, I didn't like it.

Is it because I have
a gross catfish mouth?

No, no, no, your mouth is fine.
I just didn't feel anything.

Maybe I'm not gay.

But thank you for kissing me... ?

Um, my pleasure... ?

Oh, I can't believe that
you were my first kiss.

What am I gonna tell my grandkids?

Grandpa Andrew, who was your first kiss?

Well, you know your great-uncle Nick?

You mean Nick Starr, the
host of "Countdown to Money"?

Two robots and two
humanoids are here to compete

for Most Glorious Kingdom
of China Bitcoin units.

So sit tight or shake your
booty 'cause it's time to...

"Countdown to Money with Nick Starr!"

Ni hao!

God, what's taking so long?

Hey, man, hurry it up!
We're gonna miss the movie.

Movie? I thought this was the
self-checkout at Walgreens.

No wonder I couldn't find
prescription eye drops

and those sticks you could floss with.

- Oh, God, Jessi's here.
- What?

- Come on, let's get out of here.
- No. You guys have to talk to each other.

This is crazy.

Oh, hello, Nick. Did you
bring a phone book to sit on?

Oh, did you bring a
big butt that's yours?

Hey! You two stop it.
This is ridiculous.

You were friends, then you're
girlfriend and boyfriend,

now you're not friends at all?

Go stand by those two weird
Christmas movie posters

and work your shit out.

Maybe I am gay.

- Okay, Andrew's not wrong.
- I know.

When you said "let's be
friends," I was excited

because I really like
being friends with you.

And we sucked at being
boyfriend and girlfriend.

- Totally sucked at it.
- Are you sure we're not at Walgreens?

I need to find the bin
filled with plastic balls

that are too light to throw.

I'm really sorry I said all
those terrible things about you.

It's my fault. I lied
about how we broke up.

I guess I just didn't want
to seem like the loser.

We were both kind of losers.

Yeah, we were.

Shall we go to the movie?

- After you, milady.
- Thank you, good sir.

Aw, Atlanta Claus,
you gotta help me find

a dying Mylar balloon that says "Wow."

Merry Christ-murs!

Have you been nar-ghty or nice?

I can't be dishonest
with you, Black Santa.

I've been real nar-ghty.

I'm the one who put the fecal
matter on the basketballs.

Hallelujer!

Hey, Matthew, I just want to let
you know that I... I figured it out.

- I'm not gay.
- Oh!

You had a whole little
journey, didn't you?

Well, guess what, sack of potatoes?

No one is 100-percent gay or straight.

- It's a spectrum.
- Oh. Well, how gay are you?

I'm 20/20. Didn't Morrey
give you the gay test?

"Morrey"? Do you mean
the Hormone Monster?

Yeah, Morrey. He's the fucking man.

And he's only a monster
when he does coke.

Wow. Hmm. Well, that's...

anyway, I guess I should be in less
of a hurry to figure everything out

and just take each boner as it comes.

You're precious.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go watch "PB: NYC,"

which looks... super gay.

Bye-ee!

What in the what? Where
do we go now, Paul Bunyan?

We're going to the
Brambles in Central Park.

Wait, what? Please tell
me there's a Walgreens

in the gay part of Central Park.

I really need a DVD of "Van
Helsing" and a six-foot-long receipt.

Agh!

Please tell me they put a
Walgreens in this Netflix.

What are you guys gonna watch
next? Do you wanna hang out?

You guys gonna watch another episode?

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- www.addic7ed.com -