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1
00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:12,262
As puberty begins, hormones are released
2
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,598
and the sexual organs begin to change.
3
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:18,977
The uterus is the center of
female reproductive activity...
4
00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:22,147
The uterus? I thought girls had vaginas.
5
00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:24,066
I thought that, too,
but I guess they don't.
6
00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:26,777
Maybe vagina is, like, slang.
7
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:29,154
Did someone say "vagina"?
8
00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:31,198
- Oh, no, no, no. Not now.
- Fuck, yeah, now!
9
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:34,701
Go away. You are not real.
10
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:38,121
You're just some hormone
monster my brain created.
11
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:40,666
If I'm not real, then
how come I'm sending blood
12
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:43,252
to your sweet penis right now?
13
00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:46,213
- Come on.
- The ovaries release the egg,
14
00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,382
then travel down the Fallopian tube.
15
00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:51,385
"Fallopian." What a savory word.
16
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:54,763
Describes exactly what it
is, you know what I mean?
17
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:58,141
Okay, I should tell you, this
is school and we need boundaries.
18
00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:01,395
If you want me to go away,
you know what you have to do.
19
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,481
- Jerk off...
- Jerk off, yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly.
20
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:08,235
Let's go to the bathroom and
climax into that thin toilet paper.
21
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,862
How come in all these videos
22
00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:14,241
puberty for boys is like
the miracle of ejaculation
23
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,994
and for girls we're just a
yarn ball of aching tubes?
24
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,288
- Ew, that's gross.
- Yeah, exactly.
25
00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:20,747
And that's why we need equal pay.
26
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,417
My dad says when you take
into account maternity leave,
27
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:26,837
- you do get equal pay.
- Your dad's a scumbag DUI attorney.
28
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,463
Yeah, and he makes bank.
29
00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:31,341
Too bad he can't afford
tweezers for that unibrow.
30
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,343
- Shut up, Matthew!
- Come on, come on, come on!
31
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:34,636
Wheels up in 30 seconds.
32
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,888
Ms. Kazan, can I please
go to the bathroom, please?
33
00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:38,640
If you don't get out of here right now,
34
00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:40,684
we're gonna "Jackson
Pollack" all over your pants.
35
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,936
- Who?
- He's a famous abstract expressionist.
36
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:44,730
- Oh, my God...
- I'll take notes for you, Andrew.
37
00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:46,315
- Thanks, Missy.
- Let's go, let's go.
38
00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:47,983
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Not yet.
39
00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:50,569
That's why we gotta get to
the bathroom, sweetheart.
40
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,357
Am I a lucky guy or what?
41
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,234
I've got this beautiful
family, a gorgeous home,
42
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:35,322
the sounds of Duke Ellington...
a great African-American American.
43
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,908
Andrew, did you know that Duke
Ellington died in this house?
44
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,369
I did, Dr. Birch. This house has rhythm.
45
00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:43,538
That's right. What can I
say? I love cocktail facts,
46
00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:46,917
and I also love this woman.
47
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,920
Not only did she
prepare a fantastic meal
48
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,506
and birthed three beautiful children...
49
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:54,758
- no drugs.
- Oh, please. Nick slipped right out of me.
50
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,927
- Mom, Andrew's here.
- He's family.
51
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,887
Anyway, he shouldn't
be afraid of a vagina.
52
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:02,849
- Okay, can we be excused?
- Once you pay the "snuggle tax."
53
00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:03,975
- Come here.
- Come here.
54
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,811
Mom!
55
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:09,106
- Oh, I could eat you alive.
- Can you not do this in front of Andrew?
56
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,441
- You smell like fresh-buttered baby.
- Give me a whiff.
57
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:14,111
- Mom, loosen your grip.
- I want to put you back up inside.
58
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,737
Okay, we're going up now. Goodbye.
59
00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:19,032
Love you, Nicholas. Love
you. And you, too, Andrew.
60
00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:20,617
Ooh! Ow! Sorry.
61
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:23,870
What a fantastic best
friend. The kid's dynamite.
62
00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:26,039
From the corner! Swish-hh!
63
00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:28,959
Hey, so this, like, dance on Friday,
64
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,545
- I think I'm not gonna go.
- Oh, please. Yes, you are.
65
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,798
I'm not gonna ask a girl. I
don't need that kind of rejection.
66
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:37,426
We're gonna go as a group...
me, you, Jessi and Jay.
67
00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:41,179
But Jay's been bragging that he's
gonna get fingered at the dance.
68
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,306
- What?
- He's gonna get fingered.
69
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:46,059
Okay, first of all, I
think he's got that wrong.
70
00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:48,937
Either that or you have
grossly misquoted him.
71
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,523
And Jay hasn't even kissed
a girl, I guarantee it.
72
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,734
None of us have. Not, you
know, with tongue anyway.
73
00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:57,154
Of course, 'cause when you do
kiss a girl, to make it official...
74
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,281
- There's gotta be tongue.
- Major tongue.
75
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,199
- You want to flick your tongue around.
- Ideally.
76
00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:03,702
And you really want to get your
tongue underneath hers, too.
77
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:06,413
Yeah, you want to get in there
like a Claritin to just dissolve.
78
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:07,622
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
79
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:10,333
- We know what we're talking about.
- It's nice to talk like men.
80
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:11,626
Yeah.
81
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:16,882
Ow! It stings.
82
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,633
But it's worth it.
83
00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,222
- What are you doing?
- Oh, my God!
84
00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:25,140
- Hi.
- Hi.
85
00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:27,559
- Don't look.
- Of course. I'm not looking at all.
86
00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:29,811
- No! Sorry.
- Oh, my God.
87
00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,146
- Sorry for what?
- I don't know.
88
00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:32,397
I don't know either.
89
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:39,780
You know, I actually
didn't even see anything.
90
00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:43,158
I don't even know what
you're talking about.
91
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,076
Okay. Well, good night.
92
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:51,750
Knock knock. Who's there?
It's the Hormone Monster.
93
00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,503
No, no, no, you gotta be kidding me.
94
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,838
- Nick is right there, sir.
- And?
95
00:04:56,922 --> 00:05:00,133
And I'm a good person. I wouldn't
do that laying next to a friend.
96
00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:03,136
- Then why am I here?
- Oh, my God, you're always right.
97
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,096
- What the hell is wrong with me?
- Nothing.
98
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:08,266
You're a perfectly normal
gross little dirtbag.
99
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:11,102
Now stare at that cat clock
and massage your dinger.
100
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,480
No. Nick's grandmother
gave him that clock.
101
00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,941
- She knew what she was doing.
- Yeah, she did.
102
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,776
- Okay.
- Oh...
103
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,444
What a little clock-tease.
104
00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:21,446
Her eyes are darting back and forth,
105
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,532
thinking, "Meow-meow,
who's got the cream?"
106
00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:26,201
- Me. I've got the cream.
- Yeah.
107
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:29,663
- Oh, my God.
- It's okay. It's okay.
108
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:32,374
Just picture your dad's associate Susan.
109
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,459
- Oh, Susan.
- Mmm...
110
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:36,836
Susan actually came
to the summer outing,
111
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,839
and she said that I was really
sprouting into a fine young man.
112
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,217
That's right. Look at her sinewy arms.
113
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:44,553
- Susan, show me your top naked.
- Yeah.
114
00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:46,680
- Oh, God.
- And she's got Fallopian tubes.
115
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,598
Oh, God, okay.
116
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,017
So, Susan, um, what's it like
117
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,769
to be in human resources?
118
00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:53,687
Uh... !
119
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:55,063
I'm done.
120
00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:59,734
Good night, you prince of Westchester,
you king of the tri-state area.
121
00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:03,989
- Wait. What do we do about the mess?
- Sleep in it, pig. Mwah.
122
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,121
So we're not going to
Jay's to play basketball?
123
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,872
No. Um...
124
00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,333
it turns out that I have
family stuff this weekend.
125
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:19,879
Oh. Well... this is me.
126
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:22,382
- I'll see you at school on Monday?
- Yeah.
127
00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:25,844
Totally. Uh... have a
nice rest of your weekend.
128
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:29,097
- Thank you.
- Um, you're welcome.
129
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,808
- I'll get out on the curb side now.
- Yeah, great.
130
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,852
- Traffic side.
- Yeah, that's smart.
131
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,605
Bye, Mrs. Birch.
132
00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:45,905
What's going on? I thought Andrew
was staying over all weekend.
133
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:48,241
I just... it's nothing.
134
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:50,994
- Nick?
- Nicholas, we're your parents.
135
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,954
You can tell us anything.
136
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,623
Okay.
137
00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:57,375
Last night, when he was changing...
138
00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:58,835
I saw Andrew's penis.
139
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,587
And now you're worried
you're a homosexual?
140
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:05,550
Nicky, a man can touch another
penis or even kiss one, very lightly,
141
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:08,762
and it still doesn't necessarily
mean he's a homosexual.
142
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,306
When I was an undergraduate...
your mother knows this story...
143
00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,266
Dad, I'm not worried I'm gay.
144
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:16,102
- Honey, it's fine if you are.
- It's better.
145
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:19,022
And by the way, you could do a
lot worse than Andrew Glouberman.
146
00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:21,066
It's not that, it's Andrew's...
147
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:24,235
Andrew's was... was different,
148
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:27,155
like bigger and hairier.
149
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:29,491
Sweetheart, Andrew's
started to become a man.
150
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:30,408
That's right.
151
00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:32,202
He's developed secondary
sex characteristics.
152
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,954
- He has.
- Thicker eyebrows...
153
00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:35,497
- Mm-hmm.
- engorged nipples.
154
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:36,831
- Engorged nipples.
- Mom!
155
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:40,669
His penis is changing, from
a boy penis to a man's penis.
156
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,921
- Mom!
- And you may, like me,
157
00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:45,173
never have a very big penis.
158
00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:48,635
But if you understand a woman's body,
159
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:52,180
and more importantly her
emotions, it doesn't matter.
160
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,182
It's true, Nicky.
Before I met your father
161
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,685
I was with some men who
were very well-endowed,
162
00:07:56,768 --> 00:08:00,355
- and honestly, it was too much for me...
- Okay.
163
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:04,234
- Your father's penis is my glass slipper.
- And you're my Cinderella.
164
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,569
- Guys, please, stop!
- Gimme a break.
165
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,572
I'm sure Andrew and his parents
have had very similar conversations.
166
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,992
Eh... I don't know about that.
167
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:15,245
And then, you kinda jhoosh it down.
168
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,206
Barbara, what are you doing
with my last good banana?
169
00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:20,458
Dr. Oz says they need to learn.
170
00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,419
Oh, he doesn't need to know anything.
171
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,670
- Actually...
- Please, the next time
172
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:27,132
you think you need to know
something, Andrew, shut your face!
173
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,883
Now give me the banana.
174
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:31,011
Jesus, it tastes like condom.
175
00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:32,929
Thanks a lot, Mr. Sex Maniac.
176
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:40,687
- Hey.
- How's it going?
177
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,522
- Uh, good.
- Oh, okay.
178
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,607
All right, look alive,
you little maniacs.
179
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:48,361
I bet you're all, like, completely
distracted by the big dance,
180
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:50,613
which I happen to be chaperoning.
181
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,073
You know, not a big deal.
182
00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:55,243
I mean, they could have asked
anyone, but, you know, I volunteered.
183
00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:57,787
Let's just stop talking about the dance
184
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,373
and just focus on the
fundamentals of basketball.
185
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:03,209
Oh, man, I hope they play music we like.
186
00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:05,879
Bruh, I can't believe the dance is
the same night as the Knicks game.
187
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:08,465
Yeah, it sucks. Porzingis
is awesome, though, right?
188
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,134
Oh, yeah. For a seven-footer,
he's got an amazing shot.
189
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,761
Either way they gotta
start playing defense.
190
00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:14,596
Oh, yeah, they gotta
defend better in the paint.
191
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:15,764
- What?
- I said,
192
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,057
they gotta defend better in the paint.
193
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,975
Oh, my God, I'm losing my mind.
194
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,226
♪ Big dicks! ♪
195
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:22,020
♪ Hoops, hoops, hoops, hoops! ♪
196
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,813
♪ Penises playing basketball ♪
197
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,774
- ♪ Big dicks shootin' hoops ♪
- ♪ Hoops, hoops! ♪
198
00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:27,692
♪ Passin', dribblin',
bouncin', jigglin' ♪
199
00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,152
♪ Big dicks on the loose ♪
200
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,279
- ♪ What? ♪
- No! Get away! Stop it!
201
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,282
What the hell, man?
202
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,370
All right, knock it off,
you two. Jeez, Louise.
203
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,289
Who wants to watch me grab rim?
204
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,083
Ooh!
205
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:45,335
I knocked the wind outta my balls.
206
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,003
Hope I'm okay for the dance.
207
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,216
Why would Nick push me?
Why is he being so weird?
208
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:52,926
Who cares? Nick's a baby.
209
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:55,261
Let's watch the sex scene
from Dallas Buyers Club.
210
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,847
Oh, my God, do you think
Nick saw me jerking off?
211
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,891
I told you I shouldn't
do it in his room.
212
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:03,770
Or, here's an idea... maybe he's
jealous of what a fucking man you are.
213
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,021
You should kick his ass.
214
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:08,316
Do that curbing thing where you
stick his teeth on the edge of a curb
215
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,693
and stomp on the back of
his head, what's that called?
216
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,487
- "Curbing"?
- Yeah, that makes sense.
217
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,030
You should curb Nick.
218
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:17,158
Now let's watch McConaughey
bang two meth heads at a rodeo,
219
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:20,286
and try not to think about AIDS.
220
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:21,830
- Andrew...
- Yeah?
221
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:23,373
I'm thinking about AIDS.
222
00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:27,627
Duke? Duke Ellington?
223
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,921
Ghost of Duke Ellington,
are you up here?
224
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:33,133
Hey, hey, Nick!
225
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,801
You up here for some advice?
226
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:37,470
You know, sometimes, it feels like
you're the only one I can turn to.
227
00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:40,557
I get it, the living don't
always have all the answers.
228
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,933
- Yeah.
- Lucky for you,
229
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:44,727
I'm trapped between two realms.
230
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:47,647
- So, what's the problem?
- Duke, I saw Andrew's penis,
231
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:50,441
and it was, like, way
bigger and hairier than mine.
232
00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:52,652
Happened to me once, too.
233
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,696
The Cotton Club, 1938.
234
00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:56,990
I saw Charlie Parker's
penis in a bathroom,
235
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,992
and, good Lord, I felt inferior.
236
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,619
I mean, there's a reason
they called him "The Bird."
237
00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:02,620
What's the reason?
238
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,497
Because his pubic hair
looked like feathers.
239
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,500
- So what'd you do?
- I went out
240
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:10,378
and made sweet love to Eva Gabor.
241
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,797
No shit?
242
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:15,330
That's right, I balled a white woman
243
00:11:15,331 --> 00:11:17,302
back when it really meant something.
244
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,428
So you're saying...
245
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,763
I'm saying, having a
pretty girl on your arm
246
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,057
can make you feel a thousand feet tall.
247
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:26,144
So I should find the prettiest
girl in school and ask her out?
248
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:30,481
Bingo-bango! "Furry triangle,"
if you know what I'm saying.
249
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,401
I think I do. Thanks, Duke.
250
00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:35,737
Happy to help, little big guy.
251
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,239
- Shall I play you out?
- Yeah, that'd be nice.
252
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:43,286
♪ Talkin' about a furry triangle, yeah ♪
253
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,455
♪ Furry triangle, baby ♪
254
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:50,126
Oh, hey, guys, I just
wanted to remind you,
255
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:53,546
the theme of the dance is "A
Night in Ancient Mesopotamia."
256
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:56,132
We're gonna put the "social"
back in social studies.
257
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,176
Missy, do you mind?
I'm doing a magic trick.
258
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:01,471
I love magic! It's like juggling, but
it's definitely more confrontational,
259
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,597
that's for sure.
260
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,016
Yeah, it's like one person
playing cards at you.
261
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,643
Okay, guys, shut up.
262
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:10,688
Okay, anyway, I think I
have something in my mouth.
263
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,901
Is this your card?
264
00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,611
Wow, Jay! I could barely tell
265
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:18,070
that you had the card
palmed in your hand
266
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,322
when you reached into your mouth.
267
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,282
- Damn it, Missy!
- If it's any consolation,
268
00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:24,827
I literally never gave a shit
about this from the beginning, so...
269
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:26,704
You guys are the fucking worst!
270
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:29,123
It doesn't get any cooler when
you get, like, really angry.
271
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:32,001
♪ Talkin' about a furry triangle ♪
272
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:34,379
Here we go, Nick.
273
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:37,048
Whoa. What the hell is he doing?
274
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:40,134
Hello! Nick's going to
talk to the eighth graders.
275
00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:43,471
My God, he's got that
Brian Grazer bravery.
276
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,974
- He's a petite, but he'll talk to anyone.
- Oh, no.
277
00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:48,059
Those girls are gonna eat him alive,
278
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:49,978
and then barf him out
because they're bulimic.
279
00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:51,813
You're fucking funny. She's funny!
280
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:52,939
We're friends now.
281
00:12:58,069 --> 00:13:00,655
Don't mess this up, don't mess this up.
282
00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:03,366
Play it cool. You've got the chops.
283
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,326
... travel down the Fallopian tube...
284
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:09,539
- I want to put you back up inside.
- Kiss the penis lightly.
285
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,457
- I knocked the wind out of my balls.
- Ugh!
286
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:15,628
Hey, Olivia, this is like a stupid idea,
287
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:17,880
but do you wanna, like,
go to the dance with me?
288
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:20,466
Dance? Cute. Yeah.
289
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:22,677
Oh. Okay, great.
290
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,512
Great. Cute, yeah.
291
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:26,931
Yeah, cute. Great.
292
00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:28,808
- It's a palindrome.
- Yeah.
293
00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:31,144
Okay, bye.
294
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,186
Huh.
295
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:34,981
I kinda thought we were
going to the dance as a group.
296
00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:38,234
That weasel bailed on you. He's
such a slippery little shit.
297
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,360
- Hey, guys.
- Tell him.
298
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:42,405
What the hell? You asked
Olivia to the dance?
299
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:43,781
Yeah. What's the big deal?
300
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,199
You said you were going with us.
301
00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:48,786
Yeah, but I mean, it's not
like we had definitive plans.
302
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:52,081
Rage, rage, fucking
rage! That's bullshit!
303
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,459
- That's bullshit.
- Andrew, dial it down.
304
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,628
- Everybody can see your feelings.
- Yeah, you're acting kinda weird.
305
00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,630
I'm not acting weird,
you're acting weird.
306
00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:02,008
Dude, I'm allowed to go to
the dance with whoever I want.
307
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,718
It's not like you're my
girlfriend or something.
308
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:06,137
All right, that's it! Let's find a curb
309
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,973
and smash that pretty
little smile off his face!
310
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:10,558
Fuck you.
311
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,813
Fight, fight! Worldstar!
312
00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:17,356
Fight!
313
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,193
Exclusive... "Laurel and
Farty" are about to fight.
314
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,280
Just... fuck you, man.
315
00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:31,496
I got a card stuck in my windpipe.
316
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:32,747
Ugh!
317
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,582
- Was that your card?
- Nope.
318
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:35,958
Oh, come on!
319
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:40,546
Andrew hasn't been over
since the night of the penis,
320
00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:42,340
and I think Nicky misses him.
321
00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,425
Poor kid. You know,
when I was Nicky's age
322
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,427
I had a bald little cashew,
323
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:50,014
and my friend Don Kinney,
he had this great big sausage
324
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:53,142
nestled in a thick
robin's nest of pubic hair.
325
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,144
It was something to behold.
326
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:58,648
Is Don the one who only got
house arrest for insider trading?
327
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,442
Yeah. The system is so broken.
328
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:04,946
Oh, Elliot, I love it when you
talk about broken institutions.
329
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:05,947
You like that?
330
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,990
- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
331
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,245
Wow, 12 hours and one minute.
332
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,288
Whew! That was astounding.
333
00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:16,499
Anyway, I think this is something
334
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:19,085
the boys need to figure
out for themselves.
335
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,092
Nick the Trick.
336
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,094
- Hey, Duke.
- What's wrong, kid?
337
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:29,637
You nervous about your big date?
338
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,265
I'm honestly more nervous
about seeing Andrew.
339
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:35,393
- He said, "Fuck you" to me yesterday.
- Ah!
340
00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:39,730
I regret one fight I had with
my saxophonist, Studs Dupree.
341
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:42,442
- It got pretty ugly.
- What happened? Did you guys make up?
342
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:45,136
Well, I was waiting
for him to apologize,
343
00:15:45,137 --> 00:15:47,655
and then he died of a heroin overdose.
344
00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:49,323
Wow. That must have been really tough.
345
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:52,118
Yeah. I never did get that apology.
346
00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,667
- Oh, hi, Missy.
- Hey, Andrew.
347
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,920
Oh, actually, just for tonight
could you refer to me as "Nanshe"?
348
00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:05,590
The goddess of social justice...
349
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,258
- and also fishing.
- That's great.
350
00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:10,303
So should I pay for my ticket
in ancient Sumerian silver?
351
00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,723
I get it. Mesopotamian silver mines
352
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,851
weren't actually operational
until the mid-Bronze Age.
353
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,769
That's a great one. Where's Nick?
354
00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:21,314
I wouldn't know. We
decided to come alone.
355
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:24,609
You know, I find that being
alone is actually a great gift
356
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:28,821
because it prepares you for
what real life is, um, is like.
357
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,072
Yeah, I guess.
358
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:33,618
So, what's the deal after this
thing? You guys wanna go get drinks?
359
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,078
I don't know, go to
Panera, split a bread bowl?
360
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,830
Yeah, no, thanks.
361
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:40,583
We'll probably just go
home and grade papers.
362
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,961
Teachers at this school, you
know, they never wanna hang out.
363
00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:46,964
- They're always "so busy."
- They're a gaggle of rancid cunts.
364
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:50,134
Yeah! I mean, that's, you know...
pff-fft! That's a little harsh,
365
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,678
but I think we're
basically on the same page.
366
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,597
Hey, ladies, you havin' fun?
367
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,600
I think tonight's
gonna be pretty... hot!
368
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:58,559
Oh, my God, what the hell?
369
00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:01,521
Yeah, we're wearing a ton
of hairspray, you psycho!
370
00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,272
I am not a psycho!
371
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,275
- Well played, Jay.
- Look, your butt buddy's here.
372
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,193
Oh.
373
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:09,320
We're not actually butt buddies anymore.
374
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:12,990
So, like, you've got an opening? I'd
love to throw my butt in the ring.
375
00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:15,576
- I don't like going to your house.
- Oh, no, I promise,
376
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,870
my brothers aren't gonna make
you poop in a litter box again.
377
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,792
Good evening, Nicholas.
378
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,086
- Good evening, Jessica.
- You psyched for your "big date"?
379
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,713
Yeah, well, Olivia's pretty
much the hottest girl in school,
380
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:30,299
- so... mm, I'm pretty psyched.
- Yeah, you should be psyched.
381
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:33,094
Just be prepared for some
super-intellectual conversation.
382
00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:35,513
- Why do you keep looking over at Andrew?
- I'm not looking at Andrew,
383
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,057
- I'm excited for my date with Olivia.
- Of course, yeah.
384
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,369
She's a beautiful complex woman
385
00:17:39,370 --> 00:17:40,977
whose eyes go dead when
she applies lip gloss.
386
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,854
- Well, Jessi, this has been so much fun.
- Yeah.
387
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:47,775
But it looks like my super hot
eighth-grade date has arrived.
388
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,193
Yeah, I can see her.
389
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:52,947
Holy shit, Olivia's hot.
390
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:56,075
I'm gonna pump my pillow full of
Jay jizz later thinking about it.
391
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,995
Oh, hey, Olivia. You want
to get a drink or something?
392
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,330
I think they have La Croix.
It's only the coconut kind,
393
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,082
which is a little gross,
but it's still kinda...
394
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,334
No, sorry. Dylan.
395
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:09,005
Oh... who? I thought we were going
to this dance, like, together.
396
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:12,300
No, no, no.
397
00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:14,010
Sorry, bro, she wants a real man.
398
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,512
Ninth grade, top of the food chain.
399
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:20,433
Um, actually, sweets and fats
are at the top of the food chain.
400
00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:25,229
Oh, poor Nick. He's confusing the
food pyramid with the food chain.
401
00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:27,415
Oh, hi, Andrew. Would you perchance
402
00:18:27,416 --> 00:18:29,900
like to celebrate the autumnal equinox
403
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:33,237
with a, um... with a...
with a dance with me?
404
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:37,074
- Oh, I would, Missy, but...
- Hey, are you out of your goddamn mind?
405
00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:40,119
- This is a real girl.
- She's not a girl, she's Missy.
406
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:43,247
Oh, she's a girl, and she
wants to dance with you.
407
00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:46,626
- But Nick looks really upset...
- Fucking forget about that little Pikachu
408
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:48,586
and dance with a girl!
409
00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:50,630
- Um, sure, Missy.
- Oh, great.
410
00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:53,382
We can just... so we can start
now, 'cause I know how to do it.
411
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,092
I've practiced with my dad.
412
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,680
- Hey, Mr. DJ, you take requests?
- No, I do not.
413
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:02,558
- What about "Lady in Red"?
- If I play it, will you leave?
414
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:05,936
Yeah, sure, unless, I don't
know, you want me to stick around.
415
00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:07,396
- Nah.
- Are you streaming that?
416
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:11,025
What is that, Wi-Fi? They
gave you the Wi-Fi password.
417
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,777
Heh. Okay.
418
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:18,658
- Hi.
- Jessi, please,
419
00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:20,868
I don't want to hear "I told you so."
420
00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:23,120
I know, but I want to say it so bad.
421
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:26,499
Can I just say it one time
and you cover your ears?
422
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,042
I told you so!
423
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:30,544
- Well, I'm glad you feel better.
- I do, a little.
424
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,588
- But I feel like I can feel even better...
- Uh-huh.
425
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:33,964
... if you heard it.
426
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:37,718
♪ Lady in red ♪
427
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:44,475
♪ Is dancing with me ♪
428
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:45,976
♪ Cheek to cheek ♪
429
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:50,272
I've never danced with a boy
before. What am I supposed to say?
430
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,191
I don't know. That was great.
431
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:54,151
You're doing great. I think
we're both doing great.
432
00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,987
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're both doing great.
433
00:19:57,071 --> 00:20:00,074
Now let's get a little friction going.
434
00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:04,912
♪ And I hardly know... ♪
435
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:05,996
Uh!
436
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:10,084
♪ This beauty by my side ♪
437
00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:12,962
♪ I never will forget... ♪
438
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,172
I got a great memory.
439
00:20:15,256 --> 00:20:19,677
♪ The way you look tonight ♪
440
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:20,594
Yeah.
441
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:23,264
I don't know, I guess I
thought Olivia liked me.
442
00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,015
Really? Olivia only likes jeggings.
443
00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:27,017
I get it, Jessi, I'm an idiot.
444
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:30,146
No! She's the idiot. You're...
445
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:33,232
you're cute, even though you're tiny.
446
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:36,527
You're like a troll doll
who's figured out his hair.
447
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,613
Thank you...
448
00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:43,367
What do I do? What
do I do? What do I do?
449
00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,661
Stick your tongue
underneath her tongue...
450
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,246
Pay the snuggle tax.
451
00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:50,332
Can I just get a hint
for the Wi-Fi password?
452
00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:59,216
Uh! Tongue.
453
00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:05,806
Oh, yeah, yes, that's it.
454
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:09,810
Don't be afraid to lead with your
groin, the world's slowest hula hoop.
455
00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:11,979
Oh-hh! This is working.
456
00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:13,689
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Take it easy.
457
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,441
We're 70 yards from
the bathroom, brother.
458
00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:16,776
You need to slow it down.
459
00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,486
No, can't slow it down,
can't slow it down.
460
00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:20,154
Fuck it. If you're okay
with it, I'm okay with it.
461
00:21:20,237 --> 00:21:22,364
I'm okay with it.
462
00:21:23,574 --> 00:21:26,285
♪ Jai ho! ♪
463
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:28,704
- Whoa, what's wrong?
- Uh...
464
00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:32,458
- I have to go, Missy.
- But the dance isn't... oh, darn it.
465
00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:37,296
You have a really big mouth.
466
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,089
Thank you, I think?
467
00:21:39,173 --> 00:21:40,966
The flicking was an interesting choice.
468
00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:43,052
Yeah. Tongues feel weird.
469
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:44,970
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
470
00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:46,514
Oh, my God!
471
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:50,726
Oh, no! That's the most I've ever made.
472
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:53,813
Oh, shit, my phone.
473
00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:55,147
Wait, what the...
474
00:21:58,442 --> 00:22:01,529
- Oh, my God, isn't this exciting?
- There's no time for excitement.
475
00:22:01,612 --> 00:22:03,739
We gotta find the egg. Where
are we, Fallopian tube, uterus?
476
00:22:03,823 --> 00:22:05,574
We're in a pussy right now, right?
477
00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:08,744
Uh... you guys are gonna
be really disappointed.
478
00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:11,789
- Are we in another sock?
- No, no, no.
479
00:22:11,872 --> 00:22:14,708
- A toilet.
- What is wrong with you, Andrew?
480
00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:17,294
- You're completely out of control.
- I didn't mean to!
481
00:22:17,378 --> 00:22:20,840
This girl asked me to slow dance,
and I got all tingly and lightheaded.
482
00:22:20,923 --> 00:22:22,967
Hey, jizz pants, there's
your stupid phone.
483
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:24,885
- Oh, thank God.
- There is no God.
484
00:22:24,969 --> 00:22:27,513
Come on, let's swim to
that giant brown rock.
485
00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:30,849
Not to sound gay, but I miss the balls.
486
00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:35,062
Ahem. Yeah, I guess I should
probably go check on Andrew.
487
00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:37,273
Yeah, no, I think
that's like a good idea.
488
00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:39,692
Yeah, but thank you for the...
489
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:41,610
- Sure, no problem.
- Ahem.
490
00:22:41,694 --> 00:22:44,655
- Good night, milady.
- Good evening, good sir.
491
00:22:45,781 --> 00:22:47,241
Oh, boy.
492
00:22:50,869 --> 00:22:52,413
What happened to you?
493
00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:53,914
I came in my pants.
494
00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:55,916
And that made you soaking wet?
495
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,669
- Why are you being so mean to me?
- What are you talking about?
496
00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:02,006
You've been mean to me
all week. What did I do?
497
00:23:02,089 --> 00:23:04,341
You didn't do anything! I...
498
00:23:04,425 --> 00:23:06,885
I saw your...
499
00:23:06,969 --> 00:23:10,264
- and it was big and hairy.
- Yeah, so?
500
00:23:10,347 --> 00:23:13,809
And mine isn't, and I don't
know if it ever will be.
501
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:16,854
Well, count your blessings.
Mine's not so great either.
502
00:23:16,937 --> 00:23:21,191
Mine just made me jizz in my nice pants.
503
00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:22,735
It's embarrassing.
504
00:23:22,818 --> 00:23:24,570
Everything's embarrassing.
505
00:23:24,653 --> 00:23:27,406
Everything is so embarrassing.
506
00:23:27,489 --> 00:23:30,326
- My pants are in the toilet.
- Oh, man.
507
00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:32,620
Andrew, why didn't you
wash them in the sink?
508
00:23:32,703 --> 00:23:34,955
That is a great question, Nick.
509
00:23:35,039 --> 00:23:39,001
It's because I panicked.
What am I gonna do?
510
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,306
Nick and Andrew, you're friends
again. Nick's pants are gone.
511
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:54,808
The teachers look poor.
What the fuck is going on?
512
00:23:54,892 --> 00:23:57,853
Well, Matthew, it's been a great
night in ancient Mesopotamia...
513
00:23:57,936 --> 00:24:01,607
Boring! Nick, we heard you
kissed Jessi in the hallway.
514
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,901
Uh, Jessi and I would appreciate
515
00:24:03,902 --> 00:24:06,695
that you respect our
privacy at this time.
516
00:24:06,779 --> 00:24:08,322
Sounds like he fingered her.
517
00:24:08,405 --> 00:24:10,449
Join us tomorrow when
we find out Coach Steve
518
00:24:10,532 --> 00:24:12,743
lives in a joke of an
apartment near the airport.
519
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:16,455
LaGuardia, and, technically,
I live in a storage unit, so...
520
00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,961
- Hello?
- Oh, uh, good evening.
521
00:24:23,045 --> 00:24:24,797
- Who are you?
- Don't worry about it.
522
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,883
I'm just here to give your
friend a nocturnal emission.
523
00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:33,013
Are you the puberty fairy?
524
00:24:33,097 --> 00:24:36,100
- The fuck did you just call me?!
- The puberty fairy?
525
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:39,103
"Puberty fairy"? I'm
the Hormone Monster.
526
00:24:39,186 --> 00:24:40,479
I'm not a fairy.
527
00:24:40,562 --> 00:24:43,774
I mean, sure, I fuck around
with dudes but I'm not a fairy.
560
00:24:45,777 --> 00:24:50,777
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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