All language subtitles for Archer.S10E03.HDTV.x264-AMRAP

FXX presents Archer 1999.

Woooooo!!
Rocket paaaack!

You know how much fuel
you just wasted?

I don't know. How much
paint did Michelangelo waste

on the Sistine Chapel?

Yeah, but when Mikey ran out of
paint, he didn't die in space.

Well, let's just cross that bridge

when we never ever cross
it because it doesn't exist.

- Would you just trace the...
- Shut up, Lana.

I'm trying to trace the signal.

And it's right...
there.

Nanotube-reinforced reactor grid.

Man, if we can re-tune that,

it'll sell for 18 months
of operating costs.

And, more importantly,
a sizable bonus for us.

First off, no.

We badly need a restock
of Gran Classico.

Second...

And third, Cyril's picked up a...
What was it?

I've got a class D ship on
a hyperbolic intercept orbit.

- Yes, that.
- It's right there!

For the thousandth time,

we can't see you pointing.

And why wasn't that
the first thing?

Because I said
two other things first?

All right.
We've trained for this.

- Cyril, on guns. We need cover.
- On it.

- Krieger, spool up hyperspace drive.
- Spooling.

- Cheryl, get to your fighter.
- Lame.

- Ray, you're still useless.
- You know...

Pam, swoop in with
the gig, lasso the grid,

and tow it to the ship.

Pam? Pam.

Pam!

What?
I'm right friggin' here.

I don't know. Maybe we got
attacked by scavengers,

barely got out with the
power core, and... oh, right...

I ran out of fuel
and almost died.

- Something about a bridge...
- Who am I, Santiago Calatrava?

- The shortstop?
- No.

That's what I'm gonna call
my foot when it's gracefully

yet powerfully suspended
up your ass.

Look, I feel terrible, guys.
No more mistakes.

I'll be the perfect
crew member from now on.

Which is why you skipped
the debriefing?

I said from now on.

And came directly
to the mess hall.

I eat my feelings?

- Amongst everything.
- Don't be a dick.

Why would he possibly stop now?

It's kind of
a big part of my draw.

Look, I just came down here
to get a leftover sandwich

from that time we were on
Toba Station.

Dibs!
Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs.

Where are you, you beautiful...

Aah!

What the hell was that?!

That would be my sandwich.

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

What do we know about it?

Well, apparently
it's allergic to compliments.

And ate all our food.

The food?
But that's what we eat.

Where did it come from?

Well, originally it was
a sandwich from Toba Station.

See, you eat it while
it's alive and struggling,

but it was definitely
dead when I finished.

- It must've regenerated.
- Be that as it may,

we need a plan before
this gets out of hand.

It laid eggs.
Weird, gross eggs.

Cool, let me see!

Uh, how many?

I don't know.
Th-They're everywhere.

So we've got an alien on board
that's multiplying,

no food, and scavengers
might still be tracking us.

Anyone have an idea
that doesn't involve

- us dying in space?
- I vote dying.

Archer, Lana,
you go find this thing.

Gillette, Cheryl, gather all
the scraps of food that are left

to see if we can make
the next spaceport.

Krieger, study the eggs.
Try to find a weakness.

Cyril, Ms. Archer, keep
scanning for those scavengers.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to stride somewhere
with purpose.

Wow. Now, I want to say
that's dumb,

- because, well, Pam.
- Yeah, but that's...

- Actually...
- A good idea.

So, if I were
to hypothetically suss out

the military applications of...
Okay, yes, I see by your faces, yes.

Got it.
Won't do that.

We're going to have
such adventures together.

Yeah, that won't
come back to haunt us.

I'll keep an eye on him.
And just kill that thing, Sterling,

before Krieger uses it
to mutate us all into,

let's say... space goo.

I vote space goo.

- So, are you gonna...
- Shh.

Shut. Shut your mouth.

I will not let you ruin this for me,

like you have
so many other times.

I. Am. Ready.

- Ya done?
- What?

I don't know how to do
the volume on this thing.

I said, "ya done?"

Oh, got it.

I think so.
There's nothing left,

and also I can barely move.

And that's gonna help you
catch this thing how?

All of this, Lana,
is totally necessary.

Actually, let's see where it is.

I only have another seven,
eight steps in me.

Huh. This says
it's within two meters.

Which would only make sense if...

Oh, screw you,
two-dimensional display.

Aah!

Hey! Hey!
Lana, it's friendly.

Also laying gross eggs.
Pretty much constantly.

And the cloaca blooms.

And what does that mean,
other than that you now

have a sideline
in Georgia O'Keefe sculptures?

The eggs contain
self-healing DNA.

If I can isolate it, I might
unlock the secret of regeneration.

And they called me mad.

- Who did?
- Huh?

- Oh, I guess I just assumed.
- Safe bet.

So, do you want the bad news?

- Or the what?
- Uh, there is no other news.

- Then why did you ask?
- Rhetorical effect?

Well, it stopped us
in our tracks, Cicero,

so mark it as ineffective.

Look, we don't have
enough food to make it

to the nearest spaceport.

Even if we carefully rationed
out the scraps here,

we still wouldn't have...

He... He's incorrigible.

- Damn it, Archer.
- What?

He said there wasn't enough
food to make it to spaceport.

Nothing's changed.
So I accept your apology.

Ooh! It's starting.
We'll tear ourselves apart

with suspicion and doubt
and then eat each other!

I call first dibs.

- To eat or be eaten?
- Whatever. I'm not picky.

Better sharpen those chompers.

- I am so confused by your tone.
- Me too.

It may not come to that.

Using the egg,
I may have found a way

to regenerate our cells
as we starve.

It won't be pleasant...

- But?
- No, I was done.

Let me guess... there's a chance
it'll turn us into space goo?

No! Well, yes.
Actually, it's pretty likely.

How'd you know that?

Because it's always
space goo with you.

- Well, not just that.
- We should eat the eggs.

Oh, these hook-covered,
evil-smelling

pus sacks that just happen
to be the property

- of my new best friend?
- But they make you feel amazing!

Oh, God.

But you didn't even
know we were out of food.

So when did you
start eating those?

Pretty much immediately.

So, not to start
this off on the wrong foot,

but I'm thinking
of eating your feet.

When I said we had
to consider our options,

- this is not what I meant.
- Well, I didn't hear

anyone else suggesting anything.

- Because you told me to shut up!
- And here you are, talking.

I meant something that leaves
us with the right number of feet.

Lana, it's offensive to call
it "the right number of feet"

when those lacking limbs are

- valuable members of society.
- Hey, yeah.

It's also why you should
let me eat your feet.

This seems productive.
Shouldn't you be scanning?

I think Cyril's on that.

- Not on that.
- And clean yourselves up.

You go a few days without food,
and suddenly you look

like a pack of Okies
matted with wet dirt.

Uh, it's called mud,

and why is it that you
don't care about starving?

Oh, I've trained myself
to live on a liquid diet.

I guess that's
the upside of having blood

- that's basically formaldehyde.
- So you're essentially pre-embalmed.

Okay, look, we're all hungry.

Let's just calm down
and stop insulting Mother

- until I think of a really good one.
- I'll mark my calendar.

Oh, look... it's dreaming.

Shouldn't we try eating these eggs?

I mean, before
we drown in them?

Not yet. Krieger says
they're loaded with all sorts

of crazy chemicals
and God knows what.

- Pam seems okay.
- Does she?

Anyhoo, just hang tight.

Krieger might have something soon.

And for God's sake,
show some restraint.

I must be pretty hungry.
Now I'm hearing things.

- Uh, that's not imaginary.
- Good.

'Cause I was about
to kick my imagination's ass

for having terrible taste.
What is that?

Sounds like a piano
double-crossed the yakuza.

? Struck oil from the start ?

? But the real land
you stole was in my...?

Please don't say "heart."

Start-heart is the lyrical
equivalent of light beige.

What is all this here, then?

Hey, remember when
you said I was useless?

Honestly, no,
but it does sound like me.

"All this here then"

is me finally finding
my true purpose in life.

Didn't you come out,
like, years ago?

Yeah, there's more to me

- than my sexuality.
- Eh.

For example, my love
of musical theater.

And that's distinct from...

I'm writing what
I always dreamed of:

A rock musical about
the Teapot Dome Scandal.

- That is the worst idea...
- Let me finish!

- With some hip-hop elements.
- I stand corrected.

Please tell me it's not
called "Off the Dome."

Why?
Do you not like that?

Well, I'm proud of you
for pursuing your dream.

Thank you very much.

But you sure seem to have a lot
of energy for a starving person.

- Come on, where's your stash?
- Be more specific.

This room is basically
nothing but contraband.

- Your food stash.
- I don't have any.

I'm just filled with
a glowing sense of purpose.

Now, if you'll
leave me to my art,

I have to find a rhyme
with Mineral Leasing Act.

The Cr�dit Mobilier scandal
would be much more compelling.

- You take that back.
- Oh, come on. Union Pacific Railroad...

one of the central guys
was named George Train.

- That writes itself.
- Nothing writes itself!

Don't listen to them.

Nothing but great calls, baby Ray.

- God, these eggs are dynamite.
- Neurological dynamite, that is.

- Loaded with neurotransmitters.
- So what do they do?

The human brain
is fiendishly complex.

It's all neurons and
electricity and mushy parts.

- So you don't know?
- We'd have to scan someone

while they ate one
for the first time.

- But that could cause anything.
- Define "anything."

Hmm. Insanity, memory loss,
death, or a sexual syndrome

called brainaphilia
that I just now invented.

So testing on a live subject
would be totally unethical.

- Let's use Cheryl.
- Wait, were we considering anything else?

- So, hitting the sauce pretty hard?
- It's not sauce.

- I didn't think it was literally...
- It's marinade.

Yeah. And that's how
that conversation ended.

Hey, the map thingy says
that we're flying toward

- the Fang Nebula.
- So it does.

Well, aren't there, like,
six overlapping wars

going on there right now?

Why do people
rob banks, Cheryl?

If I'm remembering this right,

it's because the action is the juice?

Because that's
where the money is,

and if we're
looking for salvage,

you fly into the teeth of chaos

- and howl at the shadow of death itself.
- So say we all.

Greetings, Rat Racers.

How does it feel to follow
orders like robots,

pawns in your own lives?

- Cyril, what are you doing?
- Other than mixing metaphors

into some kind
of smoothie-like paste.

- As little as possible, muchacha.
- Why aren't you scanning?

Oh, my gosh, you're right.
Hold on.

Yep, all clear.

We're in deep space.
Nothing's ever on the scanner.

It's all a scam to keep you busy
while they rob you of your freedom.

Freedom to what, become
a human Jimmy Buffet B-side?

- You mean awesome and underrated?
- No. Stop twisting my words.

Lana, he's twisting my words.

Can we just get to the point?
Cyril, did you find food?

You bet I did.
Mmm, mmm.

I came here to do two things:
eat eggs and nothing.

And I'm not out of either.
Now get out.

- What is going on?
- I know. Why am I in the hallway?

No.
That's not what I was...

Wait, did I just do what he said?

Oh, no. He's the alpha.
He cares less than I do.

I-I don't want to live
in a world where Cyril's cool.

So, you're not worried
that our crew

seems to be going insane
and/or starving?

Listen to me, I'm talking
about something important.

My intrinsic dominance
over other males.

You think he'd let me groom him?

It's something about those eggs.

This might be
the starvation talking

or the fact that I don't like
the looks of your feet,

but maybe we should
just eat the eggs?

Everyone's acting weird, but...
I guess they're not dead, right?

Yeah, so what's the worst
that could happen?

Dot, dot, dot.

How did this happen?
I hate you.

Yeah, and I don't usually
have a thing

- for older divorced ladies.
- Hey!

I'm kidding. I totally have a
thing for older divorced ladies.

Not all the time.

It's like a...
What's the drink called?

Like a drink you drink
between other drinks.

- Like aperitif, but not.
- God, Cyril's gonna be pissed.

Not digestif, that's after...

wait, you're sleeping with Cyril?!

- And why would you care?
- I don't know.

I guess, deep down,
I s-still care what you do.

That's very slightly touching.

I mean, you're my ex-wife, Lana.
What you do reflects back on me.

Oh, this from the guy that
just called me an intermezzo.

That's it!
"Intermezzo."

- That was really bothering me.
- This is a nightmare.

Talking to you is like talking
to a very selfish rock

- with mother issues.
- Rocks don't have moms.

Unless you count volcanoes.

But speaking of things
that are hard as a rock...

Great segue.
That was pretty amazing, right?

Unfortunately, yes.
Round two?

Does it bother you
that it's watching us?

Why?

How long do you need?

After that sexual Iditarod?

- Two minutes, 15 seconds.
- Should we maybe discuss

what's going on
with the ship and, uh,

how we should
maybe do something about it?

Now you've pushed it back

to three with all that talk,
so might as well.

I just want to look at it.

Oh, my God, what's that?

Huh.
I-I guess it was nothing.

Oh, put a sock in it, Benedict.

You've fallen for that,
like, four times.

At some point, it is your fault.

You're calling it... No.
I will not engage with that.

Are you sure?
I've got a whole series of quips about it.

We're under the influence
of something, right?

I think we've just finally
discovered our true feelings.

All the games can stop now.

We're gonna be together forever.

Yeah, yeah, we're egg crazy.

Which explains why
we're setting sex records

in both frequency and duration
and probably distance,

- if they measured sex in that.
- So let's go talk to Krieger,

figure out a solution
to our starvation problem

and then get rid of these eggs.

- Or we could just have sex again?
- Yup, probably that.

- Krieger, I command that you scan me.
- I already am.

Because I command it.
All is well.

Huh, same as Gillette and Cyril.

Tough to see brain changes

with all the background egg
in your blood.

This scanner sees through clothes.

- Why are we in our underwear?
- Why indeed?

I did it because Pam told me to.

- Hey, me too.
- Patton couldn't lift these nuts. Hooah!

My current hypothesis is
that these neurotransmitters

free you from mental blocks

and let you pursue
your deepest wishes.

- Leadership.
- Doing nothing.

"Off the Dome."
And we're married to that title?

Do you just live
in doorways now?

Found this one nibbling
on a power cord.

What are you, part Mynock?

No. I was just trying
to tenderize myself.

Now who's stupid?

Can't believe we were
so wrong about you.

Cheryl, can you step in here

- and put this in your mouth?
- Not gonna fall for that again.

Damn it!

- How do you feel?
- I don't feel any different.

I mean, hmm, I kinda
want to blow up the ship,

but I always want to do that.

There goes your theory.

No, I think
this actually confirms it.

Because she has no impulse control,
the eggs don't affect her.

- That's totally unfair.
- Whuh-oh.

Seems these eggs
are also highly addictive.

- No, they're not.
- That's ridiculous.

- What, these?
These eggs right here?

Krieger, I think
it's time we took a walk.

Ooh, I love secret plans.

Oh, God.

I just ejaculated dust,

and I'm pretty sure it was
my own pulverized skeleton.

- One more go?
- So, hey, guys.

Ugh. I would act startled
but it would probably kill me.

Turns out those eggs
are highly addictive

and make you act out
your deepest desires.

Yeah, that's kind of
where we came out on it.

- So if you'll excuse us.
- Please, don't mind me.

Do we mind? I mean,
I could go either way.

Yes, we mind.

And I mind that this ship is
doomed if no one does their jobs.

Oh, come on, it's...

- ...probably fine.
- But if this keeps up,

we're probably
gonna die of chafing.

Pam also locked the ship
onto a course

for the Fang Nebula.

? I am Wyoming, I am home ?

? I am America,
I'm Teapot Dome. ?

God, wow, that is
cask-strength ear poison,

- but I'm still on the fence.
- Do you really want to live the rest

of your short life in a world
where Cyril is cooler than you?

We'll shoot the eggs into space.

But only if you modify Benedict
so he stops laying eggs.

He's my friend and he's staying.

And I just realized
he's probably a she.

There's no way for me
to know if I can even...

He'll do it
or he goes in the recycler.

But wait... what will we eat?

I cobbled together a formula
from stuff on hand

and the regenerative DNA.

It should provide enough
nutrients to get us to spaceport.

- Really? Space goo?
- No. It's more of a slurry.

Yeah, it's a goo.

All right, that's the last of them.

- Took you long enough.
- Not engaging. Not engaging.

Engage, MF-ers.

You'll touch that button
when I say so.

And guess what?
I won't.

- How did you find us?
- Uh, I tapped into

the shipwide surveillance system.

Which, by the way...
pretty pissed about.

Look, we've got to get
rid of these eggs,

and everything
will go back to normal.

- No.
- Screw normal.

You think I like being a courtesan
on a salvage ship?

- I have a postgraduate degree.
- What's it called?

- A Ph. Dong?
- That's what they call it!

I just want to do nothing and
be happy and not get yelled at!

And I'm good at being a captain.

I want to take some initiative
without this ding dong.

- Hey!
- Not you.

Doing his stupid plans.

So, what I'm hearing is you
want Archer to be nicer or,

alternatively, we can die in space,
as previously discussed.

I'm thinking.
Ow, fine.

Jesus, your knuckles
are like filberts.

- Well, don't worry about food, because I...
- Christ.

- Yup.
- You made space goo.

- Space goo.
- Space goo.

- Aw, my moment.
- Oh, my God!

- Oh! Come on, man!
- Oh, the stench!

What'd you use to make it...
human waste and garbage?

- Hmm, not just that.
- Okay, I'm back on the egg side.

Seriously? What about...

Wow. Okay.
That is powerful.

- Cork it, electro-nuts.
- Whew.

L-Look, we're all happy.

Yes, maybe it's a shortcut, but
don't we deserve that once in a while?

Isn't it nice just to be together?

To not worry about the future?

Call it an intermezzo,
but maybe it's worth it?

Ah, that was beautiful.

But no, I will not gorge myself
on a highly addictive substance

while we drift into a war zone while
listening to a shitty rock musical,

because it's insane and we will die.

- Seize her.
- No, no, no...

- No, no, no, wait!
- Hey, guys.

Remember when you were happy?

No!

- Why did you do that?!
- It turns out the eggs

did unleash my deepest desire.

It's to make you all miserable.

Warning:
unknown vessel approaching.

Cyril, what did we say about
the scanner, you colossal turd?

- Hey, you said you'd be nicer to me.
- I never agreed to that.

- Yes, you did.
- I obviously didn't mean it, Lana.

Well, we're all gonna die.

- Thanks, Lana.
- How is this my fault?

I don't know,
but it feels good to say that.

Hey, guys, it's Captain Brett!

Yeah, I've been tracking
you guys for a while,

and I thought you guys
might need some supplies.

Wait, wait, wait, wait...
how do we know it's Brett?

Ooh, hold on guys, I'm getting
something weird on my scanner here.

Yeah, what are those?

Oh, no. No, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Nooo!

Yep, th-that was Brett.

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~